Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 294. Attraction she can't explain, guilt she can't shake: Does wanting it make it real?

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294. Attraction she can't explain, guilt she can't shake: Does wanting it make it real? · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: I need your advice. Are you okay? What happened? Promise
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: it won't be too much. Bring it in. Welcome to
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  Speaker 1: our bestie segment. This is the place for you.
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  Speaker 2: Hello and welcome back to our Bestie segment. This is
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  Speaker 2: where we get anonymous submissions from all of you beautiful
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  Speaker 2: ladies who bring in your stories for anything that you
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  Speaker 2: feel like you need support on or anything that you're
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  Speaker 2: kind of navigating in your personal life right now that
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  Speaker 2: maybe you don't want to take to your inner circle.
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  Speaker 2: So this is where you bring it to us and
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  Speaker 2: we give you our most honest advice of what we
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  Speaker 2: would give to each other if we were in that
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  Speaker 2: situation as well. So, Ashley, what have you got for us?
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  Speaker 1: All right. The episode name is Attraction She Can't Explain,
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  Speaker 1: Guilt She Can't Shake, Does Wanting It Make It Real?
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: Hey girls, I've been meaning to write in for ages
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  Speaker 1: and hopefully other people will benefit from this. Every time
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  Speaker 1: I'm intimate with my partner, which is a man, or
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  Speaker 1: intimate with myself, my mind goes straight to women. I
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  Speaker 1: think this is partly because of watching porn and seeing
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  Speaker 1: so many beautiful women. I no longer watch porn. I'm
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  Speaker 1: attracted to men and I love my partner, but I
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  Speaker 1: know how to appreciate a beautiful, sexy, hardworking woman. I've
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  Speaker 1: dropped little hints to my partner about having a woman
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  Speaker 1: be intimate with the both of us, or I'd love
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  Speaker 1: to just go down on a woman or get a
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  Speaker 1: sensual massage from a woman. In the moment, whether I'm
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  Speaker 1: with my partner or myself, I picture a lady and
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  Speaker 1: doing all these things with her. It's not all the time,
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  Speaker 1: but I'd say 90% of the time it is. After
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  Speaker 1: I come, I immediately feel guilty and just a yuck
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  Speaker 1: feeling washes over me. When bringing this up with my
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  Speaker 1: partner about having another woman in the room or going
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  Speaker 1: down on her, my partner doesn't say too much. I'm
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  Speaker 1: going on a solo overseas trip soon for a week
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  Speaker 1: and I've been so tempted to book a naughty massage
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  Speaker 1: and not tell my partner. Ugh. Sometimes I even think
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  Speaker 1: of some of my friends and being intimate with them
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  Speaker 1: after a couple of drinks and things get spicy in
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  Speaker 1: my imagination. But then I feel yucky, guilty, and wouldn't
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  Speaker 1: want to tell him because in my head, I'm like,
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  Speaker 1: it's a girl, so it's not that bad. It's also
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  Speaker 1: funny because I'm not the biggest fan of going down
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  Speaker 1: to my partner's. He has given me sensual massages and
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  Speaker 1: it turns me on so much, but we don't do
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  Speaker 1: it that often because the massage oil is so messy
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  Speaker 1: and each time he offers, I usually say, no, it's okay.
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  Speaker 1: He is pretty open sexually. He has bought me a vibrator,
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  Speaker 1: nipple clamps, and a whip, etc., I just need your
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  Speaker 1: help and advice. How do I bring this up with him?
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  Speaker 1: How do I know if it's just a thought that
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  Speaker 1: I don't need to act on? Well, firstly, thanks for
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  Speaker 1: being so open. We love women that just can come
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  Speaker 1: in and chat and feel safe to express. Everyone's so different.
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  Speaker 1: Sexual desires. And I think fantasies don't always mean that
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  Speaker 1: you have to act on it. But also, I don't
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  Speaker 1: think there's anything wrong if you do want to act
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  Speaker 1: on that. I don't think you should be lying to
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  Speaker 1: your partner. I'm really against that. I think it's something
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  Speaker 1: if you're wanting to do, you need to speak about him.
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  Speaker 1: And if he's not okay with it, that's not something...
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  Speaker 1: I would encourage ever lying to your partner because in
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  Speaker 1: my head, that's cheating. Whether it's a man or a woman,
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  Speaker 1: if you were doing something that you have to keep
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  Speaker 1: from your partner out of integrity, values, morals, trust, like
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  Speaker 1: once you break trust with your partner, it's really hard
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  Speaker 1: to get back. So I wouldn't encourage that. I would
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  Speaker 1: just keep opening up the conversations with him and discussing
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  Speaker 1: what he's okay with, what you're okay with, and just
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  Speaker 1: exploring together. That's my advice.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. I love that. I think Like what you said,
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  Speaker 2: like if you're going to go outside of the relationship,
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  Speaker 2: you are cheating at the end of the day. Like
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  Speaker 2: whether it's with a woman or a man, it's so
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  Speaker 2: normalized now for people to like men and women, which
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  Speaker 2: is totally fine. But if you are going to start
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  Speaker 2: to become deceitful, then it's like, then that's when it
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  Speaker 2: becomes a problem, you know, because it's like all good
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  Speaker 2: and well to like think those things and have those feelings,
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  Speaker 2: but then to go and act on those things without
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  Speaker 2: being honest about it. Like, it's like, what are you
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  Speaker 2: trying to preserve? Are you trying not to feel guilt
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  Speaker 2: or shame or be judged by your partner, you know,
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  Speaker 2: as opposed to just being honest with yourself about what
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  Speaker 2: you may desire. And that's also okay too. And there
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  Speaker 2: was something that you mentioned around feeling a certain type
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  Speaker 2: of way and then feeling guilty after. I personally have
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  Speaker 2: experienced this before, even when I experienced the sex tape.
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  Speaker 2: So going through that, I remember it really made me
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  Speaker 2: suppress my desire to just want to be sexual at all.
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  Speaker 2: And then what I noticed after, because I carried so
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  Speaker 2: much sexual shame around feeling exposed and like having other
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  Speaker 2: people judge me for seeing that video, I remember thinking
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  Speaker 2: in the moments when I was intimate with a partner
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  Speaker 2: or even by myself, like that guilt and shame and that, oh,
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  Speaker 2: I feel dirty.
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  Speaker 1: I feel wrong. I feel bad.
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  Speaker 2: I shouldn't want this. All of that stuff came up.
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  Speaker 2: So What I hear when you say that is that
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  Speaker 2: you're also experiencing sexual shame for maybe wanting what you
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  Speaker 2: maybe want, but don't want to admit. So it sounds
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  Speaker 2: like there's some judgment on yourself there for what maybe
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  Speaker 2: you might like that you haven't explored.
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  Speaker 1: I think it's cool you brought this in here because
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  Speaker 1: I just want to reassure you that there's nothing wrong
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  Speaker 1: for you wanting to experience things with women. I've got
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  Speaker 1: plenty of friends that have done it. I think it's
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  Speaker 1: pretty normal. And I know love's love and what you're
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  Speaker 1: attracted to. It can be whatever, whatever tickles your fancy.
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  Speaker 1: But I just want to go back to not being
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  Speaker 1: deceitful to your partner and not cheating and just having
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  Speaker 1: that conversation. Like Steve and I have had this conversation
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  Speaker 1: and I joked about being with a woman. He's like, oh,
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  Speaker 1: you've got free reign. Off you go. Just come back
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  Speaker 1: and tell me the story. I was like, what? You
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  Speaker 1: literally would allow me to be with another woman. He's like, absolutely.
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  Speaker 1: It's completely different if you were to go out and
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  Speaker 1: be with a man. To me, that's cheating. But if
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  Speaker 1: you go have fun with a girl, I'm all for it.
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  Speaker 1: Go have fun. Go explore. So in our relationship, that's
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  Speaker 1: completely fine on Steve's terms. Your partner might be different
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  Speaker 1: or he might be like, yeah, go explore. Or can
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  Speaker 1: we do this together? Or like, what are the boundaries?
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  Speaker 1: Is it someone... We meet on a website. Is it
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  Speaker 1: an escort? Is it someone we know? Like these are
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  Speaker 1: all the conversations that you get to have, but just
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  Speaker 1: make sure you stay true to your values. And I'm
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  Speaker 1: assuming and hoping you have a value of honesty, integrity,
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  Speaker 1: and keeping the relationship feeling really safe. And the moment
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  Speaker 1: you're lying and you go outside the relationship and maybe
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  Speaker 1: justify to yourself that it's just, oh, it's just a massage.
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  Speaker 1: Think about how you would feel if he went and
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  Speaker 1: did that. I was just about to say that. If
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  Speaker 1: he was like, oh, I just got a naughty massage
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  Speaker 1: from old love down the road at the massage parlor. Like,
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  Speaker 1: that's cheating in my eyes. Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: And I think there's a huge, what's the word? There's
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  Speaker 2: a stigma around that as well because it's more likely
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  Speaker 2: that men do those things.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, true. Have been known to do those things. Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: And I think like, yeah, when the roles are reversed
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  Speaker 2: and we put ourselves in that position, it's like you
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  Speaker 2: would feel icky about that too because it is. Then
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  Speaker 2: it falls into being deceitful and lying and then you've
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  Speaker 2: broken trust. And it's so much harder to build trust
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  Speaker 2: once it's broken than to like prevent it from happening.
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  Speaker 1: Definitely.
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  Speaker 2: And at least what you said with you and Steve,
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  Speaker 2: it's like you guys, the conversation has been opened.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. You know? And fun and chill. And then it's opened.
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  Speaker 1: And I haven't gone out and been with a woman,
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  Speaker 1: but it's like, oh, if I ever wanted to, cool.
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  Speaker 1: You know it's there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A hundred percent.
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  Speaker 2: Which is, yeah, I think the conversation part is a
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  Speaker 2: huge thing.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. You never know.
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  Speaker 2: You said he's open, so you might actually find that
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  Speaker 2: you can explore these things together and better together than
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  Speaker 2: to go behind his back.
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  Speaker 1: And I know, like, Steve and I have been together
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  Speaker 1: for 18 years now, but I know, like, early on
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  Speaker 1: when you are getting to know your partner and, like,
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  Speaker 1: what you're into and you're like, oh, would you ever
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  Speaker 1: try this? Would you ever try that? Like, when I
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  Speaker 1: was younger, I was, like, so close-minded. Yeah. I wasn't
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  Speaker 1: open to much. I was a pretty straighty 180, like,
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  Speaker 1: and as I've grown and become more sexually embodied and
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  Speaker 1: surrounded myself with other people that don't have sexual shame,
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  Speaker 1: like my girlfriend Megsie and other women that are just, like,
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  Speaker 1: love is love and they're free. And I just love
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  Speaker 1: that so much about themselves that I then was able
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  Speaker 1: to have other conversations around what are your fantasies? What
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  Speaker 1: would you like to act on? What are your boundaries?
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  Speaker 1: What would you like to explore over the time? And
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  Speaker 1: it's so fun. Even if you don't act on it,
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  Speaker 1: just to be able to have those conversations with your partner,
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  Speaker 1: I think is really connecting and really safe. And it
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  Speaker 1: helped me to dissolve the shame and the stories I
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  Speaker 1: had in my head that if I was to do X, Y, Z,
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  Speaker 1: that makes me dirty. Because in high school, I was
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  Speaker 1: the good girl. I put myself into a box. I
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  Speaker 1: never slept around. I never did this. Like, okay, cool,
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  Speaker 1: gold star for you. But as I got older, I'm like, oh,
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  Speaker 1: but what if I wanted to do that? That doesn't
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  Speaker 1: make me wrong or bad or dirty. So I'm really
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  Speaker 1: glad you brought this in here because I personally don't
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  Speaker 1: believe that anything's wrong for you wanting to explore. And
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  Speaker 1: I don't want to put men into a box, but
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  Speaker 1: I would think most men probably would be open to it.
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  Speaker 1: I don't think many men are going to say, no,
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  Speaker 1: I don't want another woman to come and have some
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  Speaker 1: fun with us, I would think. And also if he
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  Speaker 1: doesn't want to, that's also okay as well. So it's
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  Speaker 1: just these hard, different conversations that you get to have
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  Speaker 1: with him. And I think keep being really open about
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  Speaker 1: it with him. And the more you talk about it,
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  Speaker 1: I think the more he will be open to it
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  Speaker 1: and you guys can work through it together. But there's
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  Speaker 1: nothing wrong with you for you wanting to explore and
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  Speaker 1: be with a woman. Women are beautiful. They're so beautiful.
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  Speaker 1: I'm definitely attracted to women. But, like, I don't think
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  Speaker 1: there's anything wrong with wanting to explore. You live this
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  Speaker 1: life once. I know when I get to 80, I
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  Speaker 1: always say it, but I don't want to look back
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  Speaker 1: and be like, oh, gosh, maybe I should have tried. Or, damn,
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  Speaker 1: I wish I actually, even if it's not sexually, like,
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  Speaker 1: wish I did something. Why didn't I do it? Oh,
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  Speaker 1: because I was scared of judgment from Sally over here.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: Why do I keep using the name Sally? No offense,
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  Speaker 1: Sally's out there.
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  Speaker 2: It's like a Jane Doe kind of name.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. But, like, if you want to try something and
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  Speaker 1: that's sitting on your heart or your head or you're
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  Speaker 1: fantasizing about it, talk about it, explore it, and see
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  Speaker 1: your options and go from there.
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  Speaker 2: And you know what as well, like if you're going
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  Speaker 2: to spend like maybe the rest of your life with
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  Speaker 2: this person, you want to know that you can have
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  Speaker 2: really vulnerable conversations. And like it doesn't matter what the
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: topic is about. If there's one place that you'd be
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: able to go that is safe enough to talk about
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: these things, you would want to hope that it's with
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: the person that you're going to spend the rest of
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  Speaker 2: your life with. So, you know, it could also be
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  Speaker 2: like a relationship building exercise as well for you guys
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  Speaker 2: to get even more vulnerable with each other than what
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  Speaker 2: you have previously been. I think that's a beautiful thing too.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah. And yeah, you said your partner's open. Yeah. I
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: think nine out of ten times he's going to be
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  Speaker 1: pretty open to it. Maybe he's not quite ready for
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  Speaker 1: it now, but maybe in a couple of years he
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  Speaker 1: will be and you guys can just talk about it.
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  Speaker 1: There's some fantasies that you literally talk about your whole
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  Speaker 1: life that you don't actually want to do. We've spoken
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  Speaker 1: about this. Oh, my gosh, 100%. There's things you're like, oh,
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  Speaker 1: that could be really hot, but do I actually want
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  Speaker 1: to do it? No.
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  Speaker 2: I think there's a huge difference between a fantasy and
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  Speaker 2: something you actually want to happen.
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  Speaker 1: Definitely.
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  Speaker 2: It doesn't always have to be something that eventuates, but
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  Speaker 2: it can be something that you think about and it
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  Speaker 2: feels enticing. Absolutely.
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  Speaker 1: And turns you on. Or maybe turns you on, yeah.
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  Speaker 1: But then you're like, actually, no, I'm good. I'm good.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: I'm good in that front. But I can think about it. Yeah, definitely.
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: So I hope that helps. Let us know. You can
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: always come back into our DMs and let us know
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: how you go. But hopefully that just dissolves some of
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: the shame. There's nothing wrong with you. You're allowed to
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: have these conversations. I think a lot more people are
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: doing what you're doing. They just don't talk about it.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: That's right. That's why you can bring it in here.
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  Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us, guys. We'll see you in the
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  Speaker 1: next one. Bye. Bye.