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Why Letting Bad Tactics Work Damages Your Marriage · Doing Marriage Well

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  Doing Marriage Well for June 9, 2026. Why Letting Bad Tactics Work Damages Your Marriage.
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  This week, we're talking about broken behaviors, ways we tolerate being mistreated by our spouse.
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  Today's broken behavior is allowing the unfair tactics to work.
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  When I was in high school, my girlfriend once tried to manipulate me by hinting
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  she might kill herself if I didn't do what she wanted.
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  I knew it was a tactic. She had issues, but she was not suicidal.
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  I got very upset, told her to knock it off, and said if she ever did that again, we were done.
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  Then I left. We never discussed it, and she never tried that tactic again.
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  I wish I'd been as smart or brave about her other tactics, but that's another story.
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  The point is, I was unwilling to tolerate what she did, and my refusal meant she never did it again.
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  Jumping on it the first time she tried it was the key here. If I had tried the
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  same with something she had done many times, her reaction would not have been
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  the same, especially if her tactic had worked in the past.
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  While that happened in a teenage relationship, the same exact dynamics play
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  out in long-term marriages.
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  Allowing a tactic to manipulate you is a broken behavior.
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  If you have walked in that for a while, your spouse will not make it easy for
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  you to change because they don't want to lose something that works for them.
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  A common version of this is anger. You do or suggest something that they don't
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  like, and they get angry.
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  Or you say you won't do what they want, and you get blasted.
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  It might be subtle, or it could be full-on screaming.
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  Or you might get the silent treatment until you comply. If you resist, the anger intensifies.
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  If your spouse's anger has ever turned physically abusive, you need to be out of the house.
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  But more often, anger is a tactic. The solution here is to walk away.
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  Saying something such as, we can talk when you calm down, is appropriate,
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  but it will probably increase their anger.
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  If they follow you and continue to attack or yell, walk outside.
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  Or call someone on your phone. Odds are they won't want others to hear them scream at you.
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  A related tactic is threats. These can range from self-harm to breaking things
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  to telling lies about you or refusing to do things they normally do.
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  Some will threaten divorce or leaving or taking the children.
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  The difficulty here is knowing if these threats are empty. When my girlfriend
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  hinted she'd hurt herself, I was sure she was not suicidal.
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  Had I been unsure, I'd have dealt with it differently.
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  I'd have told her mother and pressed to get help.
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  That would have been the end of it if it was a tactic, and it would have helped
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  her if it was more than that.
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  If you think your spouse will go through with any serious threat,
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  you need third-party help.
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  Having a recording of them making the threats might be helpful.
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  Do check local laws before you do that.
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  Pulling out your phone and saying, I'm recording this, should cover you as you have given notice.
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  If being recorded changes them, you know that they're not out of control and
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  they're employing a tactic.
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  Threatening divorce is harmful and unacceptable. If your spouse does that,
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  it's your sign to walk away.
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  I'd suggest not returning to the original issue until you get third-party help
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  with the divorce threat issue.
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  No, this is fun. In fact, it can be brutal. But the longer you put up with it,
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  the worse it will get, and the harder it will be to deal with it.
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  This is Paul, and sometimes doing marriage well is difficult.