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Understanding Why You Struggle to Transform Your Life with Margarita Kogan |303 · Bomb Life

0:00
[SPEAKER_02]: The big decisions that women make, it's interesting if you sit back and you're like, why did I make that decision?
0:05
[SPEAKER_02]: Why did I marry this person?
0:06
[SPEAKER_02]: Why did I date this person?
0:07
[SPEAKER_02]: Why did I stop working out?
0:09
[SPEAKER_02]: I don't know.
0:10
[SPEAKER_02]: It's just a, you know, I'm lazy or something, and then we go into this self-deprecating talk.
0:15
[SPEAKER_02]: It's not that people are lazy or they're not, you know, working hard enough.
0:21
[SPEAKER_02]: It's really that conditioning, even aware of it, where it's just like you will only grow to where your nervous system and your psyche believes you're allowed to be.
0:30
[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to the Bond Life Podcast where fitness, vines, and real talk collide.
0:48
[SPEAKER_00]: This is it just about workouts.
0:49
[SPEAKER_00]: It's about transforming your body, mind, and life.
0:52
[SPEAKER_00]: Get ready for unfiltered conversations, expert advice, and the motivation you need to level up in every way.
1:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Hey everyone, welcome to the Bomb Live podcast.
1:15
[SPEAKER_00]: I am Alyssa Vogel, you're host and a happy holiday season.
1:18
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh my god, we are like in the mix of it right now, you guys.
1:23
[SPEAKER_00]: And during this time, it is so easy to lose yourself and just be like going to survival mode.
1:30
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think this is a really good time to have a conversation around people who feel like they have it all together and they really don't.
1:37
[SPEAKER_00]: And that is what today's conversation is all about with our incredible guests.
1:40
[SPEAKER_00]: And we're talking about why smart women stay stuck, why we can't unbreak from patterns and trauma and habits that don't.
1:52
[SPEAKER_00]: help us at all.
1:53
[SPEAKER_00]: And right now is the time of year where that could get really, really dangerous and bad.
1:58
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's because we're surrounded by extra food and alcohol.
2:01
[SPEAKER_00]: And we go into this good girl mentality, who just keeps the peace.
2:06
[SPEAKER_00]: And you know, that is a cost to us.
2:09
[SPEAKER_00]: And we're just like, okay, yeah, sure, just to make everyone happy.
2:12
[SPEAKER_00]: And during that time, we are spiking our cortisol levels.
2:16
[SPEAKER_00]: We are running around ragged.
2:18
[SPEAKER_00]: We are wearing ourselves down.
2:20
[SPEAKER_00]: And then when New Year's gets here, we are so exhausted, but we're like, yeah, New Year, New Me, I'm totally going to do it.
2:26
[SPEAKER_00]: But I am so drained and in the negative now, I can't.
2:30
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's why I love today's conversation because we're gonna bring light to this topic even more.
2:35
[SPEAKER_00]: And then help you guys have a great Christmas to keep moving forward.
2:38
[SPEAKER_00]: And you're not gonna be so burnt and drained out by the time January gets here, you're gonna actually want to create changing keep moving.
2:44
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm excited about this and I didn't even say this.
2:48
[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome if you're a brand new listener and welcome back if you're a returning listener He lies this episode is is really going to speak to a lot of you and it's not just for women either So keep listening all the way to the end because there's just so many
3:00
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know, gems in this episode and it just makes you go, huh, yeah, I can completely relate to what they're saying and it might make you take, it might take you back and make you really dive into something so maybe you haven't thought about it in a while.
3:14
[SPEAKER_00]: But this whole podcast, you guys, my goal with this whole podcast is to help you and I know I say this all the time and I know it sounds cheesy, but it's to help you to live your best life effort and I really want you to think about what that means cause those words, best life ever, new year, new me.
3:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, okay, but what does it really look like to live a life as your true authentic self?
3:38
[SPEAKER_00]: What does that look like to really know who you are to stop doing the same old shit that doesn't serve you?
3:47
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, seriously, are we really going to go into another year of you doing the same stuff and looking the same way and just being that, yes, person, that, honestly, it's
3:58
[SPEAKER_00]: real.
3:59
[SPEAKER_00]: No, we're not.
4:00
[SPEAKER_00]: And this podcast in this episode is here to help you.
4:04
[SPEAKER_00]: When people can't work with me, if it's not the right time or they don't have the resources or there's a lot of reasons like whatever, I always direct them back to this podcast because I'm like, it is a way for you to still get help and for you to keep moving forward.
4:17
[SPEAKER_00]: It is a tool that goes in your toolbox.
4:18
[SPEAKER_00]: We talk about that in the episode, but it's a way for you to keep moving forward and it doesn't cost anything.
4:23
[SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't cost anything.
4:24
[SPEAKER_00]: What I say in the mic here is free.
4:26
[SPEAKER_00]: It's priceless and I bring on nothing but the best of the best guest products, everything to help you guys move forward.
4:33
[SPEAKER_00]: So you can live a life that you're proud of.
4:37
[SPEAKER_00]: Your best life ever.
4:39
[SPEAKER_00]: So I want you to keep that in mind as you're listening to today's episode.
4:43
[SPEAKER_00]: Take notes.
4:44
[SPEAKER_00]: Really think about what she's talking about.
4:46
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm super excited.
4:47
[SPEAKER_00]: She has a journal coming out.
4:48
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a back to self-injuring all.
4:50
[SPEAKER_00]: sometime around now mid December.
4:53
[SPEAKER_00]: It's coming out.
4:54
[SPEAKER_00]: If you get on her waitlist for her free boundary script, you will be notified when that comes out.
5:02
[SPEAKER_00]: So go to her website, back to self that healing, all the information is there.
5:06
[SPEAKER_00]: And you can also go to margaritacoin.com.
5:12
[SPEAKER_00]: So margarita
5:18
[SPEAKER_00]: we can help you keep moving forward and use this journal just wait to hear her talk about it.
5:22
[SPEAKER_00]: It's great, but we'll put all of the links in the show notes as well.
5:26
[SPEAKER_00]: Let me tell you a little bit about our guest, Margarita Cohen.
5:29
[SPEAKER_00]: She helps our clients who look like they have it all together, but feel anything but.
5:33
[SPEAKER_00]: Margarita Cogan is a licensed therapist and creator of honor and heal, a healing space for women unraveling the deep patterns of emotional trauma, toxic relationships, and self-betrayal.
5:43
[SPEAKER_00]: With a background in clinical therapy and lived experience, she brings a direct grounded and refreshingly honest approach to transformation.
5:51
[SPEAKER_00]: If you've ever felt stuck in repeating the same emotional cycles, this conversation is for you.
5:57
[SPEAKER_00]: It might be the one
5:59
[SPEAKER_00]: episode that you hear that kind of like makes a light bulb go off it kind of just makes things clip and if you have been doing work in the space already and maybe you coach with me and you're listening to this going yeah I'm also not talking about this this is another just it's reiterating in your brain what you need to hear you need to hear these messages you need to pay attention to the little you you need to pay attention to trauma and experiences that you might have experienced as a child that's still coming out today so we talk about a lot about coaching and the
6:27
[SPEAKER_00]: God, it just, it really shows how you can do the work in real time and get changes.
6:33
[SPEAKER_00]: Love therapy.
6:34
[SPEAKER_00]: Everyone needs it.
6:35
[SPEAKER_00]: I swear to God, everyone should just be in therapy.
6:37
[SPEAKER_00]: But coaching is kind of different.
6:38
[SPEAKER_00]: So we, I'm glad that we took a moment to kind of break that down in this episode too.
6:42
[SPEAKER_00]: But as always, you guys, check out the show notes.
6:43
[SPEAKER_00]: Everything's going to be there.
6:45
[SPEAKER_00]: Keep an eye out for the back to self journal.
6:48
[SPEAKER_00]: Also for you guys for free, you can sign up for a free.
6:52
[SPEAKER_00]: audio that goes along with this journal put in the code bomb life and you'll get that for free, but make sure you sign up for that free boundary script and then you can be like notified as soon as this journal is out because you are going to want it.
7:06
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay you guys, as always I am here to help go to the show notes, click the link, book a call with me, let's talk before New Year's gets here, let's get a game plan going and as always it might be
7:16
[SPEAKER_00]: coaching is for you.
7:17
[SPEAKER_00]: A group program is for you.
7:19
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you're just going to go to the website and get focused and fit.
7:22
[SPEAKER_00]: That might be for you.
7:23
[SPEAKER_00]: One more thing I almost forgot to announce, we are going to have a free webinar.
7:30
[SPEAKER_00]: You guys in the beginning of January.
7:32
[SPEAKER_00]: So I don't want to say any dates yet.
7:33
[SPEAKER_00]: We're still working on setting that in stone, but as always,
7:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Please stay tuned follow it's Melissa Vogel on Instagram.
7:40
[SPEAKER_00]: TikTok all over the place Facebook It's Melissa Vogel and you're gonna want to get signed up for that free webinar So stay tuned because I'll put a link out.
7:48
[SPEAKER_00]: You guys can sign up and join and it's gonna be a free Q&A Oh my god, it's gonna be such great information.
7:53
[SPEAKER_00]: So stay tuned for all that all right you guys enjoy the show
8:04
[SPEAKER_00]: Hey, everyone.
8:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to the bomb life podcast today.
8:07
[SPEAKER_00]: We have Margarita Cogan on.
8:09
[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to the show Margarita.
8:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Amalisa, thanks so much for having me.
8:13
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm super excited.
8:14
[SPEAKER_00]: I know.
8:15
[SPEAKER_00]: This is this is going to be a good conversation because we're really talking about like women and people who look like they have it all together.
8:23
[SPEAKER_00]: and they really don't.
8:26
[SPEAKER_00]: They're struggling with the same patterns and toxic thoughts and relationships and behavior that don't serve them.
8:34
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, we get like super stuck in this life in this cycle and we don't realize like what happened to us as a kid affects us now and I just I love conversations like this.
8:45
[SPEAKER_00]: Awesome.
8:46
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
8:46
[SPEAKER_02]: So that's the core of what I do is working with women or men who really don't realize that they're living from lives that were conditioned and it's not really their choice.
8:58
[SPEAKER_00]: Hmm, well, that word condition, that word condition like, oh, that, like, just gets me inside because it, I want to be like, I'm not conditioned.
9:07
[SPEAKER_00]: What do you mean?
9:09
[SPEAKER_00]: I choose who I am, and we were conditioned, like, from the moment we were born, we have been conditioned for so many things.
9:16
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, 100% and that's kind of how it goes is as we're growing up.
9:19
[SPEAKER_02]: We're taught what's acceptable, what's not acceptable, what will get us low, what will get us attention, and then our brain and our whole entire nervous system starts forming our reality around that.
9:31
[SPEAKER_02]: And as we become adults, that is the reality that we actually show up in until we figure out if we figure out as adults.
9:39
[SPEAKER_02]: How do we unravel that and start living
9:44
[SPEAKER_02]: which for our brain and bodies so scary.
9:47
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, I have to ask this right off of that because I have other questions for you, but since you said it like now, I got to ask.
9:53
[SPEAKER_00]: You said that from early on, we learn how to get love and attention.
9:58
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that like...
9:59
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, man, like when I think about myself as a child and what I had to do and who I had to be.
10:05
[SPEAKER_00]: And I don't know.
10:06
[SPEAKER_00]: And I've always heard the term to, or I've always heard people say like, which parent do you feel that you had to earn their love?
10:12
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, and oh, man, that's such a hard question too.
10:15
[SPEAKER_00]: But there are so many things that happened during childhood that made me think.
10:20
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, this is how you have to behave, because then people will love me.
10:23
[SPEAKER_00]: Then I'll get the attention and it's crazy how much that sheep what I do today.
10:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Especially, yeah, especially with my health and my fitness, I grew up in a home of my parents, worked out a lot in my dad.
10:35
[SPEAKER_00]: We had our basement was always like workout stuff.
10:38
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I was like the little kid at the gym with a big- My love, yeah.
10:42
[SPEAKER_00]: I'd go to like gold's gym with my dad.
10:45
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, like, and I was in that environment very early on, and I'm grateful for this, but I know that I picked up on working out and like being physically fit and muscles and strong to kind of be like, hey dad, look at me, I fit in.
10:58
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm here with you.
10:59
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, look at what I'm doing.
11:01
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you love me now?
11:02
[SPEAKER_02]: Hmm, I think that's a little bit of that in your adult relationships too.
11:07
[SPEAKER_02]: Like how can I get there or how can I get the attention from that?
11:12
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, right.
11:13
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
11:14
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, it's I'm glad where I am.
11:16
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm grateful for that, you know, but like man, when you sit there, it turns my stomach.
11:21
[SPEAKER_00]: It makes me feel a little gross that like,
11:23
[SPEAKER_00]: No, I'm thin, strong, and I do this because I love it and that's who I have, but in reality that was shaped so long ago.
11:29
[SPEAKER_02]: And it's just popping up now as just conditioning, which it doesn't have to be conditioning doesn't have to be a bad thing.
11:36
[SPEAKER_02]: So sometimes we are conditioning and we're just like, oh, we're little robots and we don't really have a say.
11:41
[SPEAKER_02]: And part of it is right you just have to see is that conditioning serving you or is it working against you and the conditioning that's the problem is the conditioning that works against us whereas right it's one thing you're going to the gym you're working out your fate your healthy.
11:58
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, you eat well and take care of yourself.
12:00
[SPEAKER_02]: It's another thing of people who are conditioned to go to the gym and they're there for hours a day and that is their whole life and they restrict their food right.
12:07
[SPEAKER_02]: Oh, completely different dynamic, right?
12:09
[SPEAKER_00]: All conditioning though, right?
12:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, no, that makes sense.
12:12
[SPEAKER_00]: So, Margarita, I'm dying to know, like, how did this become what you focus on?
12:17
[SPEAKER_00]: and like your specialty and helping like heal.
12:21
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, because your license therapist, you're the creator of honor and heal, which is it's a whole space for women to like unravel their deep patterns of like emotional trauma.
12:30
[SPEAKER_00]: Like how does one be like this?
12:32
[SPEAKER_00]: This is what I'm gonna do.
12:34
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, definitely.
12:35
[SPEAKER_02]: So a lot of my work has been centered around couples initially.
12:39
[SPEAKER_02]: And what I started seeing.
12:42
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, what I started seeing is a woman that we're coming in had so many nuances of not being able to share their reality.
12:49
[SPEAKER_02]: So they would have expectations of their partners, but then when I would meet one on one with them.
12:55
[SPEAKER_02]: and try to break down like what is the actual expectation is the expectation they're picking up their socks or is the expectation that they read your mind that you want tie for dinner or and a lot of women would literally sit there and be like, you know, I don't know.
13:07
[SPEAKER_02]: I don't really know what I want.
13:10
[SPEAKER_02]: I just know I want something else or something different.
13:13
[SPEAKER_02]: And then I transitioned kind of to working with women in the corporate sphere and it was very much the same thing.
13:19
[SPEAKER_02]: They would be unsatisfied with their work or they wouldn't go for a promotion or they wouldn't go into their boss and voice their concerns about this is what's going on, but they weren't able to kind of get over the hump of why can't I.
13:36
[SPEAKER_02]: saying anything.
13:37
[SPEAKER_02]: And so I started kind of digging into this and just personally through my life, right, a lot of earlier life decisions that I made were really based around what if people want me to do?
13:49
[SPEAKER_02]: And that's just kind of even when I went to college, I initially was pre-med.
13:53
[SPEAKER_02]: Why?
13:54
[SPEAKER_02]: Because that's what my family expected of me.
13:56
[SPEAKER_02]: Did I want to become a doctor and work in the medical system?
13:59
[SPEAKER_02]: not really, but it's just something I did because that was the expectation.
14:03
[SPEAKER_02]: I probably hated every moment of chemistry, but I kept pushing through until I was like, oh, this is just not working and my actual probably subconscious was like, we're going to fail our organic chem exams all the way through and I just couldn't pass and so then I had to shift.
14:19
[SPEAKER_02]: But I myself didn't actually consciously sit back and say, you know, I'm really unhappy with this and I'm going to shift right I was so conditioned to this is what you do because this is what is expected of you that I just kept doing the stuff without actually understanding what I want.
14:34
[SPEAKER_02]: Right.
14:35
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay.
14:36
[SPEAKER_00]: I have to ask like now that this is what you do in your like seeing this in your own covering it.
14:41
[SPEAKER_00]: If you had to put it in the like one sentence, you know, but why have you found that women can't really say and voice what they want is I think a lot of women don't even realize that they're living lives based from conditioning, not their choice.
14:54
[SPEAKER_02]: Like they were always taught to accept what's given to them to over function and to shrink.
15:00
[SPEAKER_02]: And so until you understand why that happened or why you act this way, you can't rebuild and make an actual choice.
15:08
[SPEAKER_02]: You're just making choices based on why you're going.
15:12
[SPEAKER_00]: Mm-hmm.
15:13
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, no, that completely makes sense.
15:15
[SPEAKER_00]: But I can relate because in the fitness space, I have a lot of women that come to me and they'll be like, I just want to lose 30 pounds.
15:22
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, great.
15:23
[SPEAKER_00]: Why?
15:23
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, why is this so important to you?
15:26
[SPEAKER_00]: And a lot of them,
15:28
[SPEAKER_00]: they've never sat and really thought about it.
15:31
[SPEAKER_00]: They really don't have any idea why.
15:33
[SPEAKER_00]: They're just like, well, I know that these pants don't fit.
15:36
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel disgusting.
15:37
[SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, I should weigh this amount of weight for how tall I am.
15:41
[SPEAKER_00]: And, and I used to weigh this in college.
15:43
[SPEAKER_00]: So, this is what the number should be on the scale now.
15:46
[SPEAKER_00]: I know I'm £30 over and I need to get back to that.
15:49
[SPEAKER_00]: but no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
16:14
[SPEAKER_00]: We need to really figure out what is going on here to get to the truth and help you move forward.
16:20
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, isn't it mind-boggling?
16:22
[SPEAKER_02]: How's superficial and surface level?
16:25
[SPEAKER_02]: Things are.
16:26
[SPEAKER_02]: We don't even know sometimes why we want what we want.
16:31
[SPEAKER_02]: And so that's kind of what shapes the big decisions that women make.
16:36
[SPEAKER_02]: It's interesting if you sit back and you're like, why did I make that decision?
16:39
[SPEAKER_02]: Why did I marry this person?
16:40
[SPEAKER_02]: Why did I date this person?
16:42
[SPEAKER_02]: Why did I stop working out, right?
16:44
[SPEAKER_02]: Oh, I don't know, it's just a, you know, I'm lazy or something.
16:46
[SPEAKER_02]: And then we go into this self-deprecating talk.
16:49
[SPEAKER_02]: It's not that people are lazy or they're not, you know, working hard enough.
16:55
[SPEAKER_02]: It's really that,
16:56
[SPEAKER_02]: Conditioning even aware of it where it's just like you will only grow to where your nervous system and your psyche believes you're allowed to be so if you have self limiting beliefs or you have a belief about even weight right weight is a huge I mean for you holy cow that's like a huge thing right working with people to get them past that home.
17:14
[SPEAKER_02]: I can't imagine.
17:15
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
17:16
[SPEAKER_02]: But so much of that is that internal work.
17:19
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's dive into childhood trauma and stuff.
17:21
[SPEAKER_00]: But with when it comes to weight loss and what we're conditioned and patterns and I have so many women that, they have sisters or cousins or whatever.
17:31
[SPEAKER_00]: And they were always like the big sister or they were like the athletic one.
17:36
[SPEAKER_00]: This sister was the pretty one.
17:38
[SPEAKER_00]: This one was the smart one and I was the tomboy, the big one.
17:41
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, well, what happens if we change that?
17:44
[SPEAKER_00]: what if you become the strong one or you're absolutely gorgeous now at the age of 40 and you look thinner and hotter than you ever did in your whole life?
17:55
[SPEAKER_00]: Are you even mentally able to become and step into that identity?
17:59
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, I'm just the fat sister, like I've never even looked at that before.
18:03
[SPEAKER_00]: It's so interesting.
18:05
[SPEAKER_02]: And that's yeah, that's the identity thing, right?
18:07
[SPEAKER_02]: We carry an identity of who we are in the world and base off of that.
18:12
[SPEAKER_02]: Your nervous system then decides where it is.
18:15
[SPEAKER_02]: And so child.
18:16
[SPEAKER_02]: it's bananas, right?
18:18
[SPEAKER_02]: Childhood is like huge on that.
18:20
[SPEAKER_02]: If your childhood taught you to disappear or that you and that need to be heavier because that's how everyone culturally like some cultures call it like godita or something like that, right?
18:32
[SPEAKER_02]: And you assimilate to that and that's just who you are.
18:35
[SPEAKER_02]: You take on that, conditioning that identity and then to shed it, it's so scary because
18:44
[SPEAKER_02]: And that's what our childhood does.
18:46
[SPEAKER_02]: It's kind of like a drip content of, okay, you're telling me who I am.
18:51
[SPEAKER_02]: And the work there is sitting back and saying like, wait a second, wait a second.
18:56
[SPEAKER_02]: Who did people tell me I am?
18:58
[SPEAKER_02]: And when you ask in particular women, men are a lot more straightforward of like, I don't know, I'm a cool dude, and I work here, and this is what I like, like, all right, they're a little bit different for women, everything's interconnected.
19:09
[SPEAKER_02]: And so what they end up doing
19:14
[SPEAKER_02]: But when you ask them who are you at your poor dead silence, it's like almost nobody knows and people get a little bit lost of like, well, what are you talking about?
19:24
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes, well, a lot of the work that kind of in I have a journal coming out and then that journals we've really peeled back those layers of let's talk about from your heart center or your soul center or just how you were created.
19:38
[SPEAKER_02]: Who the heck are you?
19:39
[SPEAKER_02]: Why are you here?
19:39
[SPEAKER_02]: And what do you want?
19:41
[SPEAKER_02]: From yourself, not from everybody else telling you what you need to be or what you want.
19:46
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, do you find that that happens even more once a woman becomes a mom?
19:50
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, I think I think once a woman becomes a mom, women just
19:56
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like a whole like where's the baby book on that one, you know, like I miss that chapter because you lose who you are and then your identity becomes like I am the protector I am the creator I am the person and my job is this human which is fine, you know, and then one thing that I find interesting.
20:15
[SPEAKER_00]: that I've seen happen more and more is that like we take on these babies and then we have another one and then another one and you know like or whatever and we raise them and then when they get a little bit older and they don't need us as much man do things start to shift like you start realizing what you're not getting in your relationship like oh my god I've been so occupied with raising these humans and like
20:38
[SPEAKER_00]: This relationship is completely falling apart.
20:40
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that's contributing to a lot of people getting divorced.
20:43
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, and we're not needed the same from the babies.
20:46
[SPEAKER_00]: But then also, again, we're not needed in that same way.
20:49
[SPEAKER_00]: And we're going, who am I now?
20:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Because now I don't even recognize myself physically, you know, and like, what's going on here, but like, in the inside, I don't even know what I like to eat.
20:59
[SPEAKER_00]: I just make what the kids say.
21:02
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes, 100%.
21:04
[SPEAKER_02]: And so not to kind of like go into the whole couples thing, but that is a huge component of you're raising these kids.
21:11
[SPEAKER_02]: You become so preoccupied with the children.
21:14
[SPEAKER_02]: Listen, the kids are going to be fine.
21:15
[SPEAKER_02]: The kids are going to be fine if you and your partner are fine.
21:18
[SPEAKER_02]: If couples just start focusing on themselves.
21:20
[SPEAKER_02]: things will be a lot more fun.
21:22
[SPEAKER_02]: There are sex life, we'll be great, they'll be happier, all the stuff.
21:25
[SPEAKER_02]: I think it's when we start shifting the attention away from us in any situation, even when we're dating, right?
21:30
[SPEAKER_02]: Like when we start dating in a new relationship, it's like, oh, not the person.
21:34
[SPEAKER_02]: What would they want me to work to dinner or where would they want to go and then we start giving away parts of ourselves because we're not actually tuning into, hey, what do I want?
21:45
[SPEAKER_02]: that's how people get into tricky situations with dating is because they're not paying attention to oh that did a really feel good like that date lasts for six hours and I'm exhausted right girl you're getting love bomb let's let's not but it's not listening to yourself and giving your power away from to anybody whether it's kids or a new relationship or even maybe a partnership you've been in for a while
22:06
[SPEAKER_00]: Mm-hmm.
22:07
[SPEAKER_02]: Will is yourself in that?
22:08
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
22:09
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's talk about that.
22:10
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's talk about the high cost of being like that good girl who keeps the piece and who doesn't say anything.
22:16
[SPEAKER_00]: And like, oh my god, Marguerita, I can tell you like, I still struggle with this.
22:21
[SPEAKER_00]: I still.
22:22
[SPEAKER_00]: And I am like, I am outspoken.
22:25
[SPEAKER_00]: I give no fuck sometimes, like, just like, whatever, but if you put me in a position, like, and I did enter the dating world, my audience already knows this.
22:34
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm divorced 17 year marriage in the dating world.
22:37
[SPEAKER_00]: And for me to tell a guy, like, hey, this doesn't feel right.
22:41
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't think there's even a reason for us to like meet in person.
22:44
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, my God, you would have thought I had like a gun in my head.
22:49
[SPEAKER_00]: where did my badass boss bitch self go?
22:53
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
22:57
[SPEAKER_00]: But he's been total dick and text messaging already and like you, why would you meet him in person?
23:02
[SPEAKER_00]: So I get this, but tell, okay, tell us.
23:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I legend the question that I'm like, I'm talking my brain off here, but like yeah, that cost of being the good girl.
23:11
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I think the cost is really, really high.
23:14
[SPEAKER_02]: A, because we don't even know how to navigate, right?
23:17
[SPEAKER_02]: You could be no badass, like so badass.
23:20
[SPEAKER_02]: I got it, everything down.
23:22
[SPEAKER_02]: The difference there is it becomes an intimate interpersonal relationship.
23:25
[SPEAKER_02]: Even if you haven't had like intimate contact, your intuition there is,
23:30
[SPEAKER_02]: and intimate relationship, right, a personal relationship where you are vulnerable, where you are in this dynamic of love and vulnerability, et cetera, well, when we're vulnerable, all of the sudden, it's not the you that's, you know, running the badass business and has all these clients, et cetera, it's the little girl inside of you that's like, oh wait, am I, am I doing this right, but I don't want to be mean because if I'm mean, I'm going to
23:56
[SPEAKER_02]: hurt your feelings and you can't do that if you're a good girl because your responsibility is to make everybody comfortable around you to fill in the gaps to care, take of everybody.
24:07
[SPEAKER_02]: I mean it's not true for 100% of the woman out there.
24:11
[SPEAKER_02]: But as these future generations are doing a little bit better, I could see it in my older kiddos.
24:17
[SPEAKER_02]: But the young, our generation is more or less like, how can you make it better for everybody else?
24:22
[SPEAKER_02]: And you just just be quiet, just going to the background, don't ruffle the feathers, type of situation.
24:29
[SPEAKER_02]: And what ends up happening is whether it's in relationships, or at work, getting raises, showing up online,
24:35
[SPEAKER_02]: women shrink because it's like, oh, I'm going to take the attention off of somebody else or people are going to figure out that I'm ruffling the feathers and then they're going to judge me or criticize me or all of the setting, I'm not going to be that perfect person that I was taught to be and that's the other thing is we're not even aware of it.
24:53
[SPEAKER_02]: It's completely subconscious because it's a younger version of us if you look at parts work, right?
24:59
[SPEAKER_02]: And that's primarily my approach to
25:03
[SPEAKER_02]: is we carry all these versions of ourselves around all the time.
25:09
[SPEAKER_02]: The six year old you and the 12 year old you and the rebellious you and the currently wherever whatever you are and all of these parts constantly have push and pulls depending on the celebration.
25:22
[SPEAKER_00]: Now yeah, I always give the analogy of like a bus and is that bus and all the different rows, there's different versions of us or different ages of us.
25:33
[SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes I just stop and ask myself or ask my clients like, okay, what age, what person, what version of you is in the driver seat right now?
25:41
[SPEAKER_00]: Because this is not adult us.
25:43
[SPEAKER_00]: This is not adult you right now.
25:44
[SPEAKER_00]: This is clearly what,
25:49
[SPEAKER_02]: I love that.
25:50
[SPEAKER_02]: Holy cow, that's an amazing way to do it and absolutely driving the bus because wherever that trigger is or wherever that moment is, they'll hop right into the seat and be like wherever you're going to be your left and you're just like, no, don't stop the bus.
26:03
[SPEAKER_02]: No, no stopping until you have that conversation or moment of acknowledgement, you're going to be on the wrong gallop.
26:10
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
26:10
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like, too, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel like we can't get rid of them either.
26:15
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's maybe that's why I like the bus because it's like, there's a place for you, but you can't be in the driver's seat.
26:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, we can't kick them out the door and get rid of them.
26:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I don't, I don't know.
26:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Can we ever get rid of that really angry nine-year-old version of Melissa?
26:31
[SPEAKER_00]: It's either just like a fist just clenched and right.
26:34
[SPEAKER_00]: I just popped someone.
26:35
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, so we definitely don't want to get rid of anyone but I love how you said that is like you cannot be in the driver seat and that is a boundary right our self trust comes from us being able to say I know that I will make the right decision for myself when you have a younger version take over
26:55
[SPEAKER_02]: There's no trust there because you got a nine year old driving a bus that a 30 year old needs to be driving right and slow setting those boundaries with yourself internally of saying hey, okay, I can see that you're really angry right now and this sounds a little bit strange, but you literally can have a conversation with yourself you can just sit down be like,
27:13
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay, I'm doing this weird stuff like making these, you know, reactive or angry or whatever, what's going on?
27:19
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay, nine year old self is driving the bus.
27:22
[SPEAKER_02]: Let's have a conversation.
27:24
[SPEAKER_02]: Hey, you don't have a driver's license.
27:25
[SPEAKER_02]: Again, you want to drive.
27:26
[SPEAKER_02]: What is the objective here?
27:28
[SPEAKER_02]: Oh, well, I just want to make sure that you're not hurt.
27:30
[SPEAKER_02]: Great, you know what?
27:31
[SPEAKER_02]: The adult means going to make sure that we're not hurt.
27:34
[SPEAKER_02]: We're going to set these boundaries in place.
27:36
[SPEAKER_02]: So if this person is speaking rudely and we don't like it, we can walk away.
27:40
[SPEAKER_02]: We don't have to get angry.
27:42
[SPEAKER_02]: And when you have that conversation, you don't have to kick the nine-year-old off the buzz, but you could say, hey, you could sit right here.
27:47
[SPEAKER_02]: I've got it.
27:49
[SPEAKER_02]: And then your system, your nervous system's like, she's aware.
27:53
[SPEAKER_02]: She's aware that something is happening, that is potentially putting her in danger or setting her up to get hurt.
27:58
[SPEAKER_02]: And therefore, she now can make the decisions to protect us.
28:04
[SPEAKER_02]: When we try to kick us out those parts off and say, get out of here, like, I'm not going to be angry anymore.
28:09
[SPEAKER_02]: That part's just going to go to the back.
28:11
[SPEAKER_02]: And it's going to be like a pressure, right?
28:13
[SPEAKER_02]: And all of a sudden, the smallest little thing, the angry Melissa's going to come up, right?
28:19
[SPEAKER_02]: So we want to make sure we acknowledge those parts.
28:21
[SPEAKER_02]: And tell them, here's the boundary.
28:23
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, go back there.
28:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Hey, Bob and my fam.
28:26
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28:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Are you the kind of person who crushes it at work?
28:29
[SPEAKER_00]: Shows up for your family, checks off every to-do list, but when it comes to your fitness, your energy and your confidence.
28:35
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28:36
[SPEAKER_00]: You might be doing the workouts listening to all the right podcasts.
28:39
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, you are listening to this one, but deep down, you know you're just kind of going through the motions and you're done playing small in this area of life.
28:46
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28:48
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28:53
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29:06
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29:12
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29:19
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29:20
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29:21
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29:22
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29:23
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29:26
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29:30
[SPEAKER_00]: You're ready for more, and I'm ready to show you how back to the show.
29:33
[SPEAKER_00]: Love all this childhood work.
29:35
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I've done so much in my own personal journey and in like therapy and EMDR and going back and like really seeing what stage did this happen.
29:45
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I had like the biggest breakthrough yesterday in therapy.
29:49
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm very open about my mental health and
29:51
[SPEAKER_00]: therapy and like I think it needs to be talked about more and like getting help going to a therapist having coaching have life coaching, you know, working in like your program like I think it just needs to be normalized especially for women because we're so like I got this.
30:04
[SPEAKER_00]: I got this.
30:05
[SPEAKER_00]: I know, you know, I know like all I need to do is I hate when people say that but I know I just need to start using my gym membership.
30:12
[SPEAKER_00]: I know I just need to eat more salads.
30:13
[SPEAKER_00]: I know I just need to like do this
30:16
[SPEAKER_00]: No, you don't.
30:17
[SPEAKER_00]: When it comes to healing and like doing the real work like this, you need a coach.
30:23
[SPEAKER_00]: You need someone helping you.
30:24
[SPEAKER_00]: You need a therapist helping you break this down.
30:27
[SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, I had a huge awakening moment yesterday and realizing how much of my childhood I spent like.
30:34
[SPEAKER_00]: waiting or feeling like I was waiting.
30:37
[SPEAKER_00]: Waiting for someone waiting for pick up, waiting just always waiting.
30:41
[SPEAKER_00]: And so now as an adult, I will get super anxious or triggered if I'm like waiting for a text, waiting for a phone call.
30:48
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I can't stand it when I hang up with someone and there's no clarity of like, okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow or I'll call you later.
30:55
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll talk to you next week or whatever.
30:56
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's just like nails on a chalkboard to me.
30:59
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, why am I so weird?
31:01
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, oh, oh, hold on here.
31:04
[SPEAKER_00]: I did so much waiting as a child.
31:06
[SPEAKER_00]: That's like servicing now.
31:08
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's why I have so much anxiety around it.
31:10
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not broken.
31:11
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not like, yeah, yeah, you're not weird.
31:15
[SPEAKER_02]: You're not weird.
31:15
[SPEAKER_02]: But that is something you know about yourself, right?
31:18
[SPEAKER_02]: And whether that's with friends or whatever, that's a huge thing for me too.
31:22
[SPEAKER_02]: That's in my journey is the waiting.
31:24
[SPEAKER_02]: And I'm just like, well, what am I supposed to do?
31:26
[SPEAKER_02]: Like am I making plans for myself?
31:27
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm a
31:28
[SPEAKER_02]: waiting for you to make plans and then I just freeze because I thought it would be doing.
31:33
[SPEAKER_02]: So one of the boundaries that I've set with most people in my life is, hey, you know, you need to let me know next steps.
31:39
[SPEAKER_02]: Like if we're not meeting up, great.
31:42
[SPEAKER_02]: No problem.
31:42
[SPEAKER_02]: If we are meeting up,
31:43
[SPEAKER_02]: Three months, six months tomorrow give me a timeline so that we just close that loop because for me it's just a sign of I respect you and I have to think about this of this is what I want with you right and even with friendships of like I have friends will see each other once every six months we know that and it's like okay see you when I see you but there's a closing loop and so sharing that with people it's not that you're weird it's like this is my expectation.
32:10
[SPEAKER_02]: that you tell me what's going on with us or your thoughts on what's going on with us so that I can relax.
32:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
32:16
[SPEAKER_00]: What's the most like common themes that you're seeing right now?
32:20
[SPEAKER_00]: Well first, tell us about honor and heal your program for women.
32:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Tell us about that and then I'm very curious to know like what are your like common themes and things that just keep get brought up with you know clients that you're seeing people that you're working with like maybe over the last
32:35
[SPEAKER_02]: Oh, so this was a little bit unconventional.
32:39
[SPEAKER_02]: So honor and heal, let's talk about that first and I'll tell you what I'm seeing.
32:43
[SPEAKER_02]: Honor and heal is really a space for women to work through all of this childhood stuff, not in a therapy like component, but really doing self work.
32:53
[SPEAKER_02]: And we use a lot of IFS components of that of learning who you are at your course all, why you're doing the things you're doing.
33:00
[SPEAKER_02]: And then we learn how do we reprogram that,
33:03
[SPEAKER_02]: nervous system alignment.
33:04
[SPEAKER_02]: So I'm not a somatic therapist, but we definitely look at
33:09
[SPEAKER_02]: When I feel anxious, this is how I feel in my body.
33:12
[SPEAKER_02]: And the way this came about is a lot of the woman that I would work with, you would ask them, well, how do you feel in therapy sessions, right?
33:19
[SPEAKER_02]: And I'm fine.
33:20
[SPEAKER_02]: And mostly really high achieving successful women.
33:24
[SPEAKER_02]: I was working with a lot of corporations, et cetera.
33:27
[SPEAKER_02]: And they're like, I'm fine.
33:28
[SPEAKER_02]: I look a while, are you here?
33:30
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, I need to fix this problem.
33:31
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay, well, how do we get to this problem?
33:33
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, I don't like it.
33:34
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay, well, how do we feel about it?
33:36
[SPEAKER_02]: nothing.
33:37
[SPEAKER_02]: So the only way we could do that, they would like access those feelings.
33:41
[SPEAKER_02]: Why don't we tell me what your body's doing?
33:44
[SPEAKER_02]: Oh, I don't know, might make shoulder hurts or something like that.
33:46
[SPEAKER_02]: And so working backwards from how does your body feel?
33:50
[SPEAKER_02]: Right.
33:50
[SPEAKER_02]: If you're constantly walking around 10 steps, et cetera, but you're telling me you're fine.
33:54
[SPEAKER_02]: girl you're not fine.
33:55
[SPEAKER_02]: So we work a lot on that on bringing awareness to first of all our environment, what is surrounding us like the people, what is your house look like like what do you look like all important things and then we integrate it to what is your body feel like and then we start putting words to that of emotions right.
34:13
[SPEAKER_02]: So a lot of psycho education of hey if you're tummies tight and you're kind of sweating you're probably not calm relaxed and excited about
34:21
[SPEAKER_02]: Your nervous system is reacting.
34:22
[SPEAKER_02]: So let's connect the dots.
34:24
[SPEAKER_02]: So in honor and heal, we really work on how did we get there the childhood part.
34:28
[SPEAKER_02]: So it's not necessarily like, oh, we have to rehash all of our childhood.
34:32
[SPEAKER_02]: It's what are you seeing show up in your life right now that has come on.
34:36
[SPEAKER_02]: This is how I was with the kid of like the waiting, right?
34:39
[SPEAKER_02]: then we work on right now what is your life look like?
34:44
[SPEAKER_02]: We work through that and we do a lot of like honoring okay this is where I am and accepting it because a lot of folks love to say nope I just have to do x y and z and everything's gonna be better well what's wrong with right now why doesn't need to be better focus on that and then we focus on what we want our life to look like and that's how
35:03
[SPEAKER_02]: I created that back to self healing journal is really the folks aren't getting to the, this is what I want my life to look like, because they can't figure out, this is where I was and accept this is where I am when we are very authentic and honest with ourselves and humans love to lie to themselves like we lie to ourselves all the time all the time, do you do like food diaries with your people because food is one of those things like no, I totally only ate like 1,600 calories.
35:33
[SPEAKER_02]: Mm-hmm.
35:33
[SPEAKER_02]: Right.
35:33
[SPEAKER_02]: That's a big, it is a big, until you start actually being very conscious about what you were thinking, what you're doing, writing it down, being accountable to yourself, you're probably lying to yourself.
35:46
[SPEAKER_02]: And so when the journal, you can actually go through that whole process that we do in the program, might have personal accountability for a lot of people, they just don't want to share that stuff.
35:55
[SPEAKER_02]: And that's so okay.
35:56
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, they're like, I don't want to be in a community.
35:58
[SPEAKER_02]: I don't want
36:00
[SPEAKER_02]: That's awesome.
36:01
[SPEAKER_02]: That's why we have that resource so that you don't have to do that.
36:04
[SPEAKER_02]: It's not for everyone, right?
36:05
[SPEAKER_02]: But you have options.
36:06
[SPEAKER_02]: But what I've been seeing with women and this is the unconventional.
36:11
[SPEAKER_02]: You tell me your thoughts about it.
36:12
[SPEAKER_02]: I'd actually love to hear it.
36:13
[SPEAKER_02]: No, a lot of women have become very in terms of dating, expectations of this is everything you have to do for me, but I'm not going to do any
36:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Hmm.
36:25
[SPEAKER_02]: And it's just such an interesting dynamic and it's putting its pigeon holding people into this place where you're not really dating to date and enjoy and get to know yourself and the other person.
36:36
[SPEAKER_02]: You are now dating with these expectations.
36:38
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
36:39
[SPEAKER_02]: What do you have?
36:41
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know.
36:42
[SPEAKER_00]: What do you have?
36:43
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yeah.
36:43
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, me being a woman in this world.
36:46
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's very true.
36:48
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's always interesting to hear other conversations of other women in this world.
36:52
[SPEAKER_00]: And we do.
36:53
[SPEAKER_00]: We have these high expectations of
36:55
[SPEAKER_00]: This partner that we want to be with and like, and if you don't do and perform and do all these things, then next.
37:01
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, that's a red flag.
37:01
[SPEAKER_00]: That's a red flag.
37:02
[SPEAKER_00]: We just throw out these terms.
37:04
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
37:05
[SPEAKER_02]: So that beautifully, that that's so beautifully put is that red red flag phenomenon.
37:10
[SPEAKER_02]: All of a sudden, all the red flags, but we're not doing the work ourselves.
37:14
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes.
37:15
[SPEAKER_02]: That is the biggest thing where I'm seeing, it's just like, everybody has to do all the stuff, but when you look at it, it's like, okay, what are you regulated?
37:24
[SPEAKER_02]: No, are you working out?
37:25
[SPEAKER_02]: Because you want someone with six pack abs and 10, but you're at the gym maybe once a month, so what are we doing here?
37:31
[SPEAKER_02]: And it's just like red flagging, everything and everyone, and projecting onto other people, it's not looking at yourself.
37:38
[SPEAKER_02]: that's what I'm seeing the most in the communities, et cetera.
37:42
[SPEAKER_02]: It's the trauma bonding, the trauma dumping, being very angry, not sitting back and saying, hold up this my life.
37:49
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, what am I doing?
37:51
[SPEAKER_02]: Why am I feeling this way, et cetera?
37:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
37:54
[SPEAKER_00]: And women are looking for men to save them.
37:58
[SPEAKER_00]: They're not necessarily looking for a partner because they're completed and happy and whole and like oh my god you know like I got together now like I really want to partner women are looking for men to like save them come in and fix this situation I'm in you know and a lot of women that have like kids they're like coming and be a dad to my kids coming in you know help me take care of this home so I don't have to and.
38:20
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that's really interesting.
38:21
[SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, I completely agree with them not doing the work.
38:25
[SPEAKER_00]: And I see this to it.
38:26
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm constantly trying to look and see in how how I can be better.
38:31
[SPEAKER_00]: And I know I fail in a lot of areas.
38:32
[SPEAKER_00]: But like learning how to be in my feminine and allowing a man to be in his masculine has been really eye opening and interesting because I have been stuck in a role of like I just do it.
38:43
[SPEAKER_00]: I just do it all.
38:44
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm mom and I'm dad a lot.
38:46
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, and I
38:46
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm a homeowner and I do take care of everything on my own yet I want to man to come in and be a man and be masculine and take care of me, but I'm like, no, you can't.
38:56
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like, come love me, stay away, come here, stay.
39:00
[SPEAKER_02]: So that's the work, right?
39:02
[SPEAKER_02]: And when we were talking about the woman, one of the things that now I'm seeing with men is they're like, well, I can't, there's nothing I can do because she's either boss, babe, over here, doing all stuff, and I'll not let me near.
39:14
[SPEAKER_02]: Or, oh my gosh, my life is falling apart, saved me.
39:18
[SPEAKER_02]: And I'm willing to help, but this is like hot mess express over here, they're like a live noodle.
39:25
[SPEAKER_02]: Exactly.
39:25
[SPEAKER_02]: So we have to find that middle ground both for men and women and like now that you know women are so successful and financially independent it could be very threatening for men and I'm not saying to do not doubt yourself be 100% the person that you are because what a lot of successful women do.
39:43
[SPEAKER_02]: is they will shrink when they meet somebody they really like and they'll let the guys feel like they are contributing or they are worthy of and all of the sudden six months down the line the real she comes out and this guy is like whoa this is not what it signed up for the girl you just wasted six months of his life and your life yeah
40:06
[SPEAKER_02]: you have to own who you are if that's you are intense aggressive go get her you've got to be honest right that's that's been a huge thing for me where I am that person where I will wake up at 430 in the morning because I'm like I got stuff to do right we got kids we got a house we got a business like let's go and so for people who don't know that about me that would just be purely
40:33
[SPEAKER_02]: Lodida.
40:34
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm not Lodida.
40:35
[SPEAKER_02]: So Lodida, say, someone and lying to yourself, you're just wasting time.
40:40
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that would be like me saying like, oh, I take Pilates classes and I work out where, no, I'm in the gym six days a week, lifting hard with all these like men, you know, and that'd be like me trying to hide that for six months.
40:53
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, imagine it's like, like, like, that's her and they start to coming out and be like, where are you at the gym?
40:57
[SPEAKER_00]: Where are you at the gym?
40:58
[SPEAKER_00]: Where are you at the gym?
40:59
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, where was this person six months ago?
41:01
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, yeah, it's, and it's so important to be just your authentically you, but I love that you have this program to help women like break these cycles.
41:10
[SPEAKER_00]: like come out and like learn and figure out who you are for real this time.
41:16
[SPEAKER_00]: And I just I don't think there's a lot there's not enough conversations about this and and I know we say women but this is for men too men have the same childhood trauma shit that shaped and changed them who they are today.
41:28
[SPEAKER_02]: 100% and so for men, it's super important to know yourself on such a level because you are still human and men were conditioned to not share.
41:36
[SPEAKER_02]: Like you got to be strong.
41:37
[SPEAKER_02]: That's why I did.
41:39
[SPEAKER_02]: And so you get these men that are walking around like everything's fine.
41:42
[SPEAKER_02]: And at the end of the day, right, when you are again in that intimate relationship where you are vulnerable,
41:49
[SPEAKER_02]: men have such a hard time being vulnerable and then their needs are not met and one day you know if they cry or they're upset or they lose their nerve like humans do all of the sudden this woman same thing is like well who is this right right so unless you are willing to know yourself who you are literally what your pain points are your vulnerabilities are and that is that internal work
42:11
[SPEAKER_02]: Hey, when I was a little boy, what the heck actually happened and how is this shaping my reactions to very adult situations right now?
42:19
[SPEAKER_02]: I see it in business all the time, right?
42:21
[SPEAKER_02]: In corporate situations all the time, we're literally grown men, we'll throw, look at his feet, yeah, kind of meeting of, you know, negotiations or something, and it's so interesting to watch because it is not a grown man in front of you.
42:34
[SPEAKER_02]: It's a little boy, yeah, or whatever else.
42:37
[SPEAKER_02]: So it is so important for men to know
42:40
[SPEAKER_02]: So yes, here are the parts where I feel weak or here's where I need love or here's where I need support and having the expectation of Had getting support but also being vulnerable and sharing that earlier on instead of five years online when we're sitting on the couch and couples therapy saying no you know what I knew when you walk out of the room I feel really abandoned so it's so important for men as well this work if it just everybody should do that internal work know who you are as a person what you need.
43:07
[SPEAKER_02]: and get the tools to get to where you're going.
43:10
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
43:10
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is why I love like things that we do in like coaching and in programs like this and journaling because you get to go through this and have coaching while real life is happening.
43:24
[SPEAKER_00]: And I don't know if you've experienced this, but sometimes there's phases of like coaching or a week or few days or like whatever where it's like
43:30
[SPEAKER_00]: pretty normal.
43:31
[SPEAKER_00]: It's kind of boring.
43:32
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like, oh my god, I think I'm fine and I don't need this.
43:34
[SPEAKER_00]: And then bam, life happens, something really hits, something at work happens, something explodes, the kids get sick, like something, and it's triggered, and now the real work begins, you know, and that's why I love coaching, like with therapy, it's like you go once a week, and if you remember,
43:48
[SPEAKER_00]: you know, then you can discuss it then whatever if you write it down.
43:52
[SPEAKER_00]: But there's probably like 10 other things that happened, you know, from then until when you actually got to your session, but like during coaching, it's almost like real time.
44:00
[SPEAKER_00]: And you could do experiences and work through it and see when it happens and address it like head on.
44:06
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's one thing that I don't think people understand the difference between like
44:09
[SPEAKER_00]: therapy and one on one completely necessary, but then also like coaching and programs like this and like really navigating life relationships work like high stress positions all of it.
44:22
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I will that's part of one of the reasons that I transitioned from being just a therapist to coaching.
44:27
[SPEAKER_02]: to supporting clients, right?
44:31
[SPEAKER_02]: Because you have to be able to be there in real time.
44:33
[SPEAKER_02]: People need you in real time, not just once a week at this 45-minute segment, but then you have all these restrictions.
44:42
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, you can't really tell us, et cetera, et cetera, with coaching programs, with coaches.
44:48
[SPEAKER_02]: You're there.
44:48
[SPEAKER_02]: It's like, hey, I need support.
44:50
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay, let's get on a call.
44:51
[SPEAKER_02]: Let's text who have a person walking through the mud with you.
44:55
[SPEAKER_02]: So you're not abandoned and it's not overwhelming.
44:58
[SPEAKER_02]: That's how people make progress because you get stuck in those moments.
45:01
[SPEAKER_02]: It's never one thing.
45:02
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, is that right?
45:03
[SPEAKER_02]: It's always like the kids got sick.
45:05
[SPEAKER_02]: And 10 clients can't solve and and all the sudden you're feeling like a failure and you can't go up and whatever else comes up, those are the things.
45:14
[SPEAKER_02]: And when you have a coach or you have a program, you've got somewhere to fall back on and say, hey, guys, I and none of this, but I need support.
45:21
[SPEAKER_02]: And then you've got community saying, let's lift you up.
45:23
[SPEAKER_02]: Let's help you.
45:24
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
45:25
[SPEAKER_02]: So that's kind of high ended up in the sphere.
45:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, same, but just different.
45:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Like that's why I left personal training and like one on one in that area.
45:33
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, you don't need someone just telling you how to work out and count reps for you and watching your form 45 minutes, 60 minutes once a week or twice a week.
45:43
[SPEAKER_00]: Like there's so much more that's going to happen and go on in your life until the next time we meet and that's going to impact you the moment you walk out the door.
45:52
[SPEAKER_00]: you know and where's the help for that you know I don't know but you but I found myself binging in a pantry on the marshmallows that were still in there from summer bond fires you know like I have been that person before and I was like I think that's what led me to like coach and train the way I do because I'm like I don't know anyone helped me right now I can't call my therapist and I am going down a dark path and marshmallows yeah
46:14
[SPEAKER_00]: what them down and back away.
46:17
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't even want to tell me that, you know, and I'm like, I can't call my trainer right now.
46:21
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, and yeah, so I agree.
46:24
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's one of the reasons why I left.
46:26
[SPEAKER_00]: And it just changed, changed exactly.
46:29
[SPEAKER_00]: And you probably did this, too, but like I created and
46:32
[SPEAKER_00]: designed what I needed for myself.
46:35
[SPEAKER_02]: I love that.
46:36
[SPEAKER_02]: That's it.
46:36
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes, exactly.
46:37
[SPEAKER_02]: So that was the really big moment of when I was going through my life situations, right?
46:43
[SPEAKER_02]: I got at the horse, etc.
46:44
[SPEAKER_02]: I had to rebuild like who I am.
46:46
[SPEAKER_02]: The role I played in my marriage all of a sudden I realized, hmm, another
46:49
[SPEAKER_02]: I know that that's exactly the person I am or how I want my life to look like.
46:53
[SPEAKER_02]: But of course, there are these once a week and it's like you've got through this much.
46:56
[SPEAKER_02]: And even being at the service, I'm like, here's the structure we're going to do this.
46:59
[SPEAKER_02]: It's not how it works.
47:00
[SPEAKER_02]: Your psyche doesn't work that way.
47:02
[SPEAKER_02]: And so I started seeking out, like, where can I have support, right?
47:05
[SPEAKER_02]: Because you can't really go to your friends.
47:07
[SPEAKER_02]: You can't go.
47:08
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, the friendships are kind of like, oh, let's let's try my dump and it doesn't get anywhere, but when you have a program, when you have that support and there's always people there or there is a coach that you can say, like, hey, can I help on there, like, sure, got a 30 minutes lot right here, you have so much more, you can get so much further so much faster and do so much more healing.
47:27
[SPEAKER_02]: That's exactly how on our in heel came to be is I couldn't find a place and so I made one.
47:32
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
47:33
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
47:33
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
47:34
[SPEAKER_00]: So this back to self journal.
47:35
[SPEAKER_00]: This is coming out December.
47:37
[SPEAKER_00]: This is how I'm going to be opening December.
47:39
[SPEAKER_00]: It's December.
47:40
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
47:41
[SPEAKER_00]: And I love how you've created something to help people again in real time take them through this.
47:47
[SPEAKER_00]: Where can they find it?
47:48
[SPEAKER_00]: What else do we need to know about this journal?
47:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Can people get it solely and just work on that,
47:57
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, absolutely.
47:58
[SPEAKER_02]: So the journal was created very similar to the program, because not everybody wants to show up at a program.
48:04
[SPEAKER_02]: Sure.
48:04
[SPEAKER_02]: The calls and all stuff, right?
48:06
[SPEAKER_02]: So it's created in a way that we're going to figure out what do you want your life to look like?
48:12
[SPEAKER_02]: And then we're going to figure out why are you not getting there?
48:14
[SPEAKER_02]: So how many people make vision boards or say, oh, I would love, let's say, like, a mazerati and, you know, I would love my business to look like this and then it goes nowhere.
48:23
[SPEAKER_02]: Right.
48:23
[SPEAKER_02]: And a lot of that is your identity.
48:26
[SPEAKER_02]: how you feel about yourself, what you're conditioned to believe, et cetera.
48:30
[SPEAKER_02]: So in the journal, we take that vision board, we create a vision board, and we work backwards.
48:35
[SPEAKER_02]: We figure out what your limitations are, we figure out what the identity you were taught to believe about yourself is.
48:42
[SPEAKER_02]: We're going to look at self-limiting beliefs of like, where is your money mindset, where is your health mindset, right?
48:48
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, why can't you lose your 30 pounds, et cetera?
48:50
[SPEAKER_02]: Why are you quitting at the
48:54
[SPEAKER_02]: And as you go through the journal, you're going to notice shifts and how you show up for yourself, how you interact with your life and then the intention is to get you to your vision board right it might just not be one rendition you might need a couple of journals maybe for a year or so, but the intention there is really to walk with the person on their own timeline and have that accountability.
49:17
[SPEAKER_02]: Because when you don't show up tears for yourself and you don't journal, it's right there and black and white of like you're saying you did the stuff like you didn't show why beautiful way up just that accountability for yourself.
49:30
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, so right now.
49:32
[SPEAKER_02]: I do have a boundary script for people because boundaries is one of the most important things.
49:36
[SPEAKER_02]: And if you sign up for that boundary script, you will get on the wait list for the journal.
49:41
[SPEAKER_02]: Once it's released, you'll get an email saying, hey, it's right here.
49:45
[SPEAKER_02]: This is how you can purchase it.
49:46
[SPEAKER_02]: And for your folks, if this would help them, I would love to give them access for free to an audio version of the journal where I walk you through the actual process.
49:59
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, yeah, it's super cool.
50:01
[SPEAKER_02]: So that I'm right there with you.
50:02
[SPEAKER_02]: You're not just kind of in your own head.
50:04
[SPEAKER_02]: And we do the exercises together.
50:06
[SPEAKER_02]: There's some extra prompts in there.
50:08
[SPEAKER_02]: So when that comes out, the code will be bomb life for them to get that free access to the song.
50:14
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
50:15
[SPEAKER_00]: This is cool.
50:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Margaret, you've got a lot of stuff going on.
50:18
[SPEAKER_00]: This is this is awesome.
50:19
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is going to benefit like so many I just I love tools like this and to have an audio go with it.
50:27
[SPEAKER_00]: The boundary script.
50:29
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean that is what we need to help us get through tough conversations sometimes and we don't are brain when you are in a tough situation.
50:36
[SPEAKER_00]: You have to create boundaries or brain doesn't work right.
50:38
[SPEAKER_00]: All of a sudden, you're like, I don't even know what to say right now.
50:41
[SPEAKER_00]: So having a script like that that we can sign up for, so perfect.
50:45
[SPEAKER_00]: And I always say like, everyone is carrying a we should carry giant toolbox, right?
50:51
[SPEAKER_00]: And my job and in your job, like, we are going to put as many tools as we can to make you successful into that toolbox.
50:58
[SPEAKER_00]: And I love that this new journal.
51:00
[SPEAKER_00]: It's another amazing tool that we can put in there.
51:02
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes, hopefully hopefully hopefully people use it.
51:05
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, and like it's such a great way to integrate it.
51:07
[SPEAKER_00]: 100% tools all the way awesome margarita where can people find you follow you getting contact with you will put everything in the show notes too but let us know right now and you guys if you're driving to worry again we'll put it all in the show notes for you.
51:21
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, so the easiest place to find me is Instagram back to self.healing everything's there in my bio everything is linked anything that's coming out again that boundary script is going to be boundaries back to self calm okay and that is free so once you you know put in your email then it'll just send it right to you perfect.
51:40
[SPEAKER_00]: we'll be doing that.
51:41
[SPEAKER_00]: I can't thank you enough for coming on.
51:42
[SPEAKER_00]: I loved this conversation.
51:44
[SPEAKER_00]: It's one that will never die and get old.
51:47
[SPEAKER_00]: Like we need to be reminded of this like constantly and figuring out who you are undo things and conditioning and patterns that haven't stuck inside you forever that are guiding your life that doesn't need to anymore.
52:00
[SPEAKER_00]: Like your birth that you can be free.
52:01
[SPEAKER_00]: Any piece of advice you leave with our listeners before we say goodbye?
52:05
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, definitely I think
52:09
[SPEAKER_02]: like learn who's driving your bus and make sure that the most authentic and the most adult part of you is driving that darn bus because that is how you're going to make your life exactly what you want and I hope that women stop living from like I did the identities built from trauma and start living from the identity that's built by truth and who they are.
52:32
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
52:34
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, trauma to truth.
52:40
[SPEAKER_00]: I might just do it, I might just do it this amazing.
52:42
[SPEAKER_00]: That was great.
52:43
[SPEAKER_00]: This was such a good conversation.
52:45
[SPEAKER_00]: I can't thank you enough for coming on.
52:46
[SPEAKER_00]: And I hope we have another one.
52:47
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe we can schedule again.
52:48
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe I can get myself through the journal and I'd love to share our how moments and we can do this again.
52:53
[SPEAKER_00]: That would be amazing.
52:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much for having me on.
52:56
[SPEAKER_00]: It's been awesome.
52:57
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.
52:57
[SPEAKER_00]: Everyone, go to the show notes, check it out.
53:00
[SPEAKER_00]: And in the meantime, stay safe.
53:01
[SPEAKER_00]: Stay healthy until next time.
53:06
[SPEAKER_00]: The bottom-life podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.
53:09
[SPEAKER_00]: The content shared here is not intended as medical, legal, or professional advice.
53:12
[SPEAKER_00]: Always consult with the qualified professionals before making any health fitness, financial, or legal decisions.
53:17
[SPEAKER_00]: The opinions shared on this podcast are personal experiences and insight.
53:20
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you need expert guidance, go find the right professional for you.
53:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for listening.