Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 313. Years of history, months of silence: Why does a friendship breakup hurt this much?

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313. Years of history, months of silence: Why does a friendship breakup hurt this much? · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

0:07
Speaker 1: I need your advice.
0:11
Speaker 2: Are you okay? What happened?
0:14
Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much?
0:16
Speaker 2: Bring it in.
0:17
Speaker 1: Welcome to our Bestie segment. This is the place for you.
0:26
Speaker 1: Hello and welcome back to another Bestie episode. I've got
0:29
Speaker 1: Ashley here with me and we're going to yap your
0:31
Speaker 1: ears off about this anonymous submission that we have from
0:34
Speaker 1: one of you guys. The episode name is Years of History,
0:37
Speaker 1: Months of Silence, and Why Does a Friendship Breakup Hurt
0:40
Speaker 1: This Much? If you've been through anything friendship-related, you will understand,
0:44
Speaker 1: and let's dive into it today.
0:46
Speaker 2: We definitely understand. We do. We talk about this all
0:48
Speaker 2: the time, and a lot of the submissions come through
0:50
Speaker 2: are about friendship breakdowns. It's really common but not spoken
0:53
Speaker 2: about as much. All right, this is a long one,
0:55
Speaker 2: so get comfortable, guys. Dear Ashley and Tiana, firstly, thanks
0:58
Speaker 2: for giving us space to share. I've been a follower
1:00
Speaker 2: of Ashley for years and have followed you two from
1:02
Speaker 2: the beginning. I wanted to write in for Bestie's advice
1:04
Speaker 2: for a while. I think I've been putting it off
1:06
Speaker 2: because it makes me sad to admit that I may
1:07
Speaker 2: need to let go of a friendship that was once
1:09
Speaker 2: really important to me. A group of us used to
1:11
Speaker 2: work together and became incredibly close. Over time, many moved
1:14
Speaker 2: away and I now live about an hour north of town.
1:17
Speaker 2: I travel back there monthly for my small business, but
1:19
Speaker 2: since having my little boy, my priorities and availability have
1:22
Speaker 2: naturally changed. One of my closest friends doesn't have children,
1:26
Speaker 2: but I don't believe that means we can't remain close.
1:28
Speaker 2: I understand our lives look different now. However, I've started
1:31
Speaker 2: wondering whether we've simply grown apart or whether I've been
1:33
Speaker 2: holding onto a friendship she no longer values in the
1:35
Speaker 2: same way. She can be quite self-focused, and over the
1:38
Speaker 2: past year, she's formed a close new friendship group through
1:40
Speaker 2: her gym. I'm genuinely happy she's found a community that
1:43
Speaker 2: she loves, particularly because the gym became an escape while
1:45
Speaker 2: she was going through a difficult relationship. But since then,
1:48
Speaker 2: I've often felt as though her older friendships have become
1:51
Speaker 2: an afterthought. For her birthday last year, she arranged dinner
1:54
Speaker 2: on a Friday because her gym friends were available. She
1:57
Speaker 2: knew I would likely be working in town that day
1:59
Speaker 2: and told me I probably won't be able to come
2:01
Speaker 2: with only a couple weeks notice and I was already
2:02
Speaker 2: fully booked. I would have happily rearranged things and organized
2:05
Speaker 2: someone to care for my son if I felt she
2:07
Speaker 2: genuinely wanted me there. She later invited another friend and
2:11
Speaker 2: me to a separate dinner because someone else could do Saturday,
2:14
Speaker 2: adding in that it was all good if we couldn't come.
2:16
Speaker 2: At the time, both of our babies were very young.
2:18
Speaker 2: If she really wanted to celebrate with us, it would
2:20
Speaker 2: have meant a lot if she asked whether breakfast, lunch,
2:22
Speaker 2: or another time might work instead. It felt as though
2:25
Speaker 2: we were being fitted in around everybody else. I let
2:28
Speaker 2: it go, but similar things kept happening. I invited her
2:31
Speaker 2: to the movies and she arrived about 20 minutes late.
2:33
Speaker 2: On the same trip, my usual place to stay fell through,
2:36
Speaker 2: so I asked whether I could stay with her. Her
2:38
Speaker 2: reaction made me feel very unwelcome, which shocked me because
2:41
Speaker 2: I always thought of us being like sisters. Another time
2:43
Speaker 2: I walked past her and her gym friends and she
2:45
Speaker 2: gave me a tiny wave as though I was a stranger.
2:48
Speaker 2: When I raised it with her, she said she thought
2:50
Speaker 2: I was deeply focused on a podcast and but if
2:52
Speaker 2: I saw one of my best friends, I would stop
2:53
Speaker 2: and say hello, even if it was briefly. Then there
2:56
Speaker 2: was another time that I asked her three weeks in
2:58
Speaker 2: advance to do a walk with me. She said yes.
3:00
Speaker 2: Then I went to confirm she had plans with a
3:02
Speaker 2: new friend group. Another one, I asked her to meet
3:04
Speaker 2: me for a walk and she messaged saying she couldn't
3:06
Speaker 2: come because she was hungover. She still asked me to
3:08
Speaker 2: hang out, but when it suits her, I've just been
3:10
Speaker 2: doing what I feel like is best for me lately.
3:12
Speaker 2: I travel away once a month and I'm still working.
3:15
Speaker 2: Although it is a break from being a mom for
3:17
Speaker 2: a few days. And lately I've been putting myself first
3:19
Speaker 2: and taking the alone time. It's not something I get
3:21
Speaker 2: very often. But recently I went through a miscarriage and
3:24
Speaker 2: then no longer after I got engaged. When she came
3:27
Speaker 2: to see me, she didn't mention either experience or even
3:29
Speaker 2: ask how I was. She immediately began talking about the
3:32
Speaker 2: house that she wanted to buy. It wasn't until I
3:34
Speaker 2: mentioned that some other close friends had bought me food
3:36
Speaker 2: so I wouldn't need to cook. She said, oh, that's right.
3:39
Speaker 2: How are you? I was happy to hear her news,
3:41
Speaker 2: but it also felt invisible during a time where I
3:42
Speaker 2: really needed my closest friends. There's a lot of smaller
3:45
Speaker 2: things too. I'm always her little hype girl online commenting
3:48
Speaker 2: and supporting her, yet she never acknowledges anything I share
3:50
Speaker 2: about my business or my life. Meanwhile, I see her
3:52
Speaker 2: commenting things like, go girl, love you so much and
3:55
Speaker 2: so proud of you on every single one of her
3:57
Speaker 2: other friends' posts. I know social media isn't everything, but
4:01
Speaker 2: when the same pattern exists in real life, those little
4:03
Speaker 2: things begin to hurt. We even stayed at a hotel
4:06
Speaker 2: together for my birthday, but in her monthly photo post,
4:08
Speaker 2: she included lots of pictures with her gym friends and
4:10
Speaker 2: only individual bikini photos from our time away, not one
4:12
Speaker 2: of us together. I don't want to sound jealous or
4:15
Speaker 2: as though she isn't allowed to have new friends because
4:17
Speaker 2: that genuinely isn't how I feel. I'm glad she's found
4:19
Speaker 2: people she connects with. I just don't believe finding new
4:22
Speaker 2: friends means forgetting about the people who have loved and
4:23
Speaker 2: supported you for years before that. Lately, I stopped making
4:26
Speaker 2: as much effort because I wanted to see whether she
4:28
Speaker 2: would meet me halfway. I'm realizing that perhaps we simply
4:31
Speaker 2: don't align anymore, but letting go of our history still
4:33
Speaker 2: makes me incredibly sad. Girls, do I have an honest
4:36
Speaker 2: conversation with her about how I feel or quietly accept
4:39
Speaker 2: that the friendship has changed and lower my expectations or
4:42
Speaker 2: do I walk away altogether? Please keep in mind that
4:44
Speaker 2: I brought things up with her in the past. Am
4:46
Speaker 2: I holding onto something that's already run its course? If
4:49
Speaker 2: I'm being honest, it's not a friendship that makes me
4:51
Speaker 2: feel good anymore, and I just want friends that I
4:53
Speaker 2: enjoy and appreciate, and I think it's fair that I
4:55
Speaker 2: would like that to be reciprocated. Just to add another
4:57
Speaker 2: layer to all of this, it's actually her birthday this Sunday.
5:00
Speaker 2: I'll be in town working this weekend and attending a
5:02
Speaker 2: wedding on Saturday, and I've now heard through somebody else
5:04
Speaker 2: that she's having birthday drinks on Saturday at a beautiful
5:07
Speaker 2: venue overlooking the water. Apparently, she's invited people from her gym,
5:10
Speaker 2: but I haven't heard anything from her. That has really
5:13
Speaker 2: hurt me because you would think with your best friend,
5:15
Speaker 2: you would at least invite you, even if she assumed
5:18
Speaker 2: you couldn't come. The thing is, I absolutely would have
5:21
Speaker 2: made the effort, even if I could only stay for
5:23
Speaker 2: an hour. I would stay in town, go and wish
5:25
Speaker 2: her a happy birthday, have a drink, and then drive
5:27
Speaker 2: home for an hour and a half, because that's what
5:29
Speaker 2: I believe you do for your best friends. Now, I
5:31
Speaker 2: don't know how to approach it. Part of me wants
5:32
Speaker 2: to casually say, hey, I heard you're doing something for
5:34
Speaker 2: your birthday. I'm actually in town this weekend. Hope you
5:36
Speaker 2: have a lovely time. But another part of me wonders
5:38
Speaker 2: whether I should be honest and tell her that I'm
5:40
Speaker 2: finding out this way. It really hurts me. I also
5:42
Speaker 2: don't want her to invite me because I bought it up.
5:44
Speaker 2: I think this has made me realize that perhaps I
5:46
Speaker 2: see our friendship very differently from the way that she does.
5:49
Speaker 1: Oh, firstly, so sorry that that's what you're navigating. Second
5:52
Speaker 1: of all, absolutely have a conversation with her. I think
5:55
Speaker 1: regardless of if you've tried to have conversations before, bring
5:59
Speaker 1: up the severity of the situation. Like just be honest
6:02
Speaker 1: with her. If she is your best friend, she's a
6:05
Speaker 1: person you can have a conversation with. And I get
6:07
Speaker 1: that like, obviously this has been building for you and
6:10
Speaker 1: so valid how you're feeling by the way. I think
6:12
Speaker 1: Friendship wounds are really, really hard to navigate and you
6:15
Speaker 1: feeling left out and feeling like she's prioritizing other people. And,
6:18
Speaker 1: you know, now your antenna's up. Yeah, you're searching. It's like,
6:21
Speaker 1: you know, she posted that photo dump and she didn't
6:23
Speaker 1: post a photo of you. You're looking for the little
6:25
Speaker 1: micro ways that she's leaving you out because you already
6:27
Speaker 1: feel left out. Again, so valid. So valid. Been there,
6:30
Speaker 1: done that. It takes one to know one. But it's
6:33
Speaker 1: kind of like I see how a relationship is. It's
6:35
Speaker 1: like if you don't feel like you've done everything that
6:37
Speaker 1: you can to make sure that the relationship works, you're
6:39
Speaker 1: still going to wonder and wonder what if. Yeah. If
6:41
Speaker 1: you walk away now and you don't feel like you're
6:43
Speaker 1: quite there yet and you haven't done everything that you
6:45
Speaker 1: can to sit down, have a conversation, share what's on
6:48
Speaker 1: your heart and ask her if anything has changed for
6:50
Speaker 1: her or if she still is willing to meet you
6:53
Speaker 1: in the middle of a friendship, then like have that conversation.
6:56
Speaker 2: Absolutely.
6:57
Speaker 1: Just try one more time.
6:58
Speaker 2: Friends are worth it.
6:59
Speaker 1: Friends are worth it. And if she's someone that you love, respect,
7:02
Speaker 1: care about, you have all this history, it is absolutely
7:04
Speaker 1: worth having the conversation, even for a little bit of
7:07
Speaker 1: temporary discomfort.
7:08
Speaker 2: Definitely. I agree too. And sometimes I think, I've done
7:11
Speaker 2: this before and Steve's actually pulled me up on it.
7:12
Speaker 2: It's like when I feel like a distance with a friendship,
7:15
Speaker 2: I'm like, oh, are we friends anymore? Or like, he's like,
7:18
Speaker 2: don't label it, babe. Maybe you guys aren't as close
7:21
Speaker 2: in this season because she's got things going on, you've
7:23
Speaker 2: got things going on. And You'll reconnect when the time's right.
7:26
Speaker 2: It doesn't have to be this like big label, but
7:28
Speaker 2: you can see the anxious part of you. And I
7:30
Speaker 2: relate too in me that I'm like, oh, I need
7:32
Speaker 2: to know like where we're at. And like, it doesn't
7:34
Speaker 2: feel how it used to feel. So something must be wrong.
7:36
Speaker 2: And I'm searching for something. I'm searching for safety and
7:38
Speaker 2: certainty that we're okay. But I definitely agree. I think
7:41
Speaker 2: bring it in. I think you really do care for
7:42
Speaker 2: her and you do want this friendship. And I almost
7:44
Speaker 2: can hear that you're trying to convince yourself that it's
7:46
Speaker 2: not a line and maybe you don't want it anymore.
7:48
Speaker 2: But I think I could be reading into it, but
7:49
Speaker 2: I think deep down you would love this friendship to continue.
7:51
Speaker 1: Yeah.
7:52
Speaker 2: And also like friendships do change and, you know, you
7:55
Speaker 2: don't have kids, I don't have kids and we do
7:57
Speaker 2: make it work but there's also going to be times
7:58
Speaker 2: where you do things that I don't do because I
8:00
Speaker 2: do have kids at home and our lives are going
8:02
Speaker 2: to look different. Like you've spoken about moving to Bali
8:03
Speaker 2: and I have two actually, mind you. But like it's different,
8:06
Speaker 2: you know. It is different when you have children. You
8:09
Speaker 2: have more people to think about and there's more logistics
8:11
Speaker 2: involved and it's just friendships do change and she is
8:14
Speaker 2: going to be gravitated to have friends that don't have
8:16
Speaker 2: children just like you might be more gravitated to people
8:18
Speaker 2: who do have children because you've got that common ground.
8:20
Speaker 2: Doesn't mean both can't exist.
8:22
Speaker 1: No. And I love that you brought the children's part
8:24
Speaker 1: because I was going to bring that up too. It's like,
8:25
Speaker 1: I don't have children. You have children, but that's never
8:27
Speaker 1: been an issue in our friendship. We've never allowed that
8:30
Speaker 1: to be a barrier or a problem for us because
8:33
Speaker 1: it's not. They're a part of you. Yeah. Like I
8:35
Speaker 1: don't see you any different because you have children. It
8:38
Speaker 1: just means that I have more humans that I can love.
8:39
Speaker 2: Yeah. You know?
8:40
Speaker 1: And I think like with that, when there are quote
8:43
Speaker 1: unquote more roadblocks, more challenges, it's like more prioritization. Yeah.
8:47
Speaker 1: You have to be more intentional with how much effort
8:50
Speaker 1: you're putting in, you know, working around the children, working
8:54
Speaker 1: around the schedule, making sure that it can fit in
8:56
Speaker 1: with you and can fit in with the other person.
8:57
Speaker 1: Like it just takes a little bit more effort and communication,
9:00
Speaker 1: like you said, in order to make that work. We
9:03
Speaker 1: see each other like most days.
9:05
Speaker 2: And there has been times with flexibility that Tiana has
9:08
Speaker 2: had more flexibility. It's like maybe training or something. It's like, oh, well,
9:11
Speaker 2: I need to be back in time to take Taj
9:12
Speaker 2: to school. It's like, okay, cool. We're going to book
9:14
Speaker 2: our session for 5am instead of 6pm or If we
9:16
Speaker 2: finish at 6, we have to leave by 5 too
9:18
Speaker 2: because I don't want to miss taking Tash to the
9:19
Speaker 2: bus stop. And it's like Tiana's flexible with me with
9:22
Speaker 2: that because you can be and you love and respect
9:24
Speaker 2: that I do have children. So I think it's just
9:26
Speaker 2: that little bit more communication. It doesn't mean you aren't
9:28
Speaker 2: aligned or you can't have a friendship. I just don't
9:30
Speaker 2: believe that at all.
9:31
Speaker 1: I think so too. And, you know, we talk about
9:33
Speaker 1: this all the time as well. People go through different
9:36
Speaker 1: seasons of life, but it doesn't mean that your chapter
9:38
Speaker 1: is over. Yeah.
9:39
Speaker 2: Sometimes we think that. So true.
9:40
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, we've experienced this over the years with, like,
9:43
Speaker 1: different friends and stuff. And it's like, okay, well, maybe–
9:46
Speaker 1: That friend is in a season of going out right now. Well,
9:48
Speaker 1: I don't feel as close to her right now, but
9:50
Speaker 1: I still love her the same. And she might be
9:52
Speaker 1: doing things that I don't want to do or she's
9:54
Speaker 1: choosing things I don't want to choose.
9:56
Speaker 2: That's totally fine.
9:56
Speaker 1: You can still love them, but you don't have to
9:58
Speaker 1: spend as much time with that. And then there'll come
10:00
Speaker 1: a point where you guys come back together and you're like,
10:02
Speaker 1: you know what? That was really nice. We just spoke
10:04
Speaker 1: about this. I know.
10:05
Speaker 2: And I went through this with my girlfriend, Nadine. And
10:07
Speaker 2: if she's listening, she'll not even being like, yeah, we
10:09
Speaker 2: were in just completely different wavelengths. She actually went through
10:11
Speaker 2: a divorce and I had freshly had Taj and we
10:14
Speaker 2: were just in such different lives and she traveled around
10:16
Speaker 2: and was going out partying. And we just, we were
10:18
Speaker 2: not aligning like our times, our schedules, what we wanted,
10:20
Speaker 2: how we spent our time. And we didn't really chat
10:23
Speaker 2: that much for maybe a year or two. But we'd
10:26
Speaker 2: been friends since I was like, I met her when
10:28
Speaker 2: she was waxing my vagina. Literally, she was my waxer.
10:31
Speaker 2: So she's 40 next year. That's a long friendship. But
10:33
Speaker 2: there's a year or two where we were on different
10:35
Speaker 2: paths and now we're closer than ever. So it's like, yeah,
10:39
Speaker 2: not to make that statement of like, oh, we're not
10:40
Speaker 2: friends anymore. I feel like you talk about this really well,
10:43
Speaker 2: the wound or feeling like you're being left behind. Can
10:45
Speaker 2: you talk about that a little bit more? Because I
10:47
Speaker 2: think it might, I don't know, just help her have
10:49
Speaker 2: a bit more compassion because I feel that sometimes I
10:52
Speaker 2: get scared of that. I know you felt like that too.
10:54
Speaker 1: A hundred percent. I felt that so many times in
10:56
Speaker 1: different friendships, even in relationships.
10:58
Speaker 2: Yes.
10:58
Speaker 1: Even when I recently, who I was just dating somebody
11:02
Speaker 1: and I broke up with him and I felt like
11:04
Speaker 1: I was being left behind and I made the decision
11:06
Speaker 1: to leave him because there was something that he was
11:08
Speaker 1: doing that then triggered that in me. And like, maybe
11:11
Speaker 1: there was a time in your life, if you're listening
11:12
Speaker 1: to this, maybe a time in your life where you
11:15
Speaker 1: felt like somebody left you behind. It could be like
11:17
Speaker 1: a parent or a guardian or someone at school, it
11:20
Speaker 1: could have happened in primary school, could have been your
11:22
Speaker 1: first relationship. There would be a wound for you because
11:25
Speaker 1: this is being super activated for you right now, the
11:28
Speaker 1: fear of being left behind. And it is just one
11:32
Speaker 1: that will make you feel like somebody is moving on
11:34
Speaker 1: without you and you're kind of stuck where you are.
11:37
Speaker 2: Makes you feel lonely and like you're not good enough.
11:39
Speaker 2: You can make up so many, attach so many things
11:41
Speaker 2: to that story and it feels really painful.
11:43
Speaker 1: And it also makes you feel like the people around
11:45
Speaker 1: you are growing and you are not growing. And so
11:48
Speaker 1: because of that fear- oh my gosh, I'm going to
11:50
Speaker 1: get left behind. I'm going to be forgotten about. And
11:52
Speaker 1: because I'm going to be forgotten about, I'm not going
11:54
Speaker 1: to be relevant and I'm not going to be loved
11:55
Speaker 1: and worthy. And like you just spiral in that thought.
11:58
Speaker 1: So even you with your antennas up going, oh my gosh,
12:02
Speaker 1: she didn't put me in the photo dump. She didn't
12:04
Speaker 1: invite me to the birthday. She didn't do all these things.
12:06
Speaker 1: Whereas like when you're not communicating, it's really easy to assume.
12:09
Speaker 2: Yeah.
12:10
Speaker 1: And our mind automatically goes to the worst case scenario.
12:12
Speaker 1: So you have to train ourselves like we do.
12:14
Speaker 2: Yeah.
12:15
Speaker 1: To train ourselves to not do that, not think the
12:17
Speaker 1: worst case scenario when something is happening.
12:19
Speaker 2: Yeah.
12:19
Speaker 1: Because you just never know. I feel like we make
12:22
Speaker 1: it 10 times worse in our head than what it
12:23
Speaker 1: actually is in real life. 90% of the time. And
12:26
Speaker 1: I just think like giving somebody the benefit of the
12:28
Speaker 1: doubt whilst you're going through these different stages.
12:30
Speaker 2: Yeah.
12:31
Speaker 1: Is only going to help you.
12:32
Speaker 2: And talking about your wounds with your friends, I think
12:33
Speaker 2: is really helpful because then it's like you're not putting
12:36
Speaker 2: the blame on you. Like this is coming up for me.
12:38
Speaker 2: Like we do this, can you hold me in this?
12:40
Speaker 2: You know, because it's not about you. You haven't done
12:42
Speaker 2: anything wrong. We do it all the time to each other.
12:43
Speaker 2: This is just in this moment. This is what my
12:45
Speaker 2: body is like remembering. And I know it's not you,
12:47
Speaker 2: but I'm like feeling activated right now from this. And
12:50
Speaker 2: it's hard. It's really uncomfortable. It's hard.
12:52
Speaker 1: It's hard to be seen in it too. We don't
12:55
Speaker 1: want to be seen as anxious or I don't feel
12:58
Speaker 1: worthy right now. Needy. Desperate. Yes. Yeah. Or like, oh,
13:00
Speaker 1: I'm feeling left out or feeling jealous or whatever the
13:03
Speaker 1: story is. But when you can get over that fear,
13:06
Speaker 1: and it's hard, you have to practice. It still comes
13:08
Speaker 1: up for me too. Being seen in our shit is
13:10
Speaker 1: an uncomfortable thing. But it's also so freeing when you
13:13
Speaker 1: know people can hold you in it too.
13:15
Speaker 2: And the fact she's got new friends with gym stuff,
13:16
Speaker 2: I think it's so beautiful that you're like, I'm genuinely
13:18
Speaker 2: happy for her. That can be there. And you can
13:21
Speaker 2: also be jealous and have FOMO that you're missing out
13:23
Speaker 2: on time with your friend that you used to once
13:24
Speaker 2: have and now Her energy's diverted and you're not getting any.
13:28
Speaker 2: So both can be there, you know, and I think
13:30
Speaker 2: that's okay.
13:30
Speaker 1: A hundred percent. It's just highlighting what you want more of. Yeah.
13:33
Speaker 2: And talking to her about that, then hopefully both can coexist.
13:36
Speaker 2: You can have her gym friends and you'd be happy
13:37
Speaker 2: with her, which I believe you are. And also if
13:40
Speaker 2: you get more time with her, you're not going to
13:41
Speaker 2: feel that envy or jealous come up. Yeah.
13:43
Speaker 1: Like if Ashley didn't invite me to her birthday, I'd
13:44
Speaker 1: be like, I'm fucking coming.
13:45
Speaker 2: Yeah.
13:46
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. I've already hired a dress. I don't know
13:49
Speaker 1: what you're talking about. I've been planning this for months.
13:51
Speaker 2: But yeah, you can imagine like when you don't even
13:53
Speaker 2: get invited to a birthday, it's so hurtful.
13:55
Speaker 1: Yeah. And then also maybe for her, it's like, oh,
13:58
Speaker 1: I know you're in a different season. She could be thinking, oh,
14:00
Speaker 1: you've got kids. Maybe you don't want to drink. Maybe
14:02
Speaker 1: it's not your scene. So she's like trying to be mindful.
14:04
Speaker 1: You just never know.
14:05
Speaker 2: Yeah. Another example I'll share too is there was a
14:07
Speaker 2: season there where Sarah, myself and Nadine were like really,
14:10
Speaker 2: really close. And sometimes they would go out and do
14:12
Speaker 2: things without me. And there was a stage where I
14:14
Speaker 2: got real FOMO. I was like, oh, I would have
14:16
Speaker 2: loved to come here. And they're like, oh, but we're drinking.
14:18
Speaker 2: We know you don't want to drink. I said, I know.
14:19
Speaker 2: And I probably wouldn't come. But I still like to
14:21
Speaker 2: be invited. And they were like, oh, easy. And if
14:23
Speaker 2: you can come, fuck yeah. You just have said no
14:25
Speaker 2: the last like fucking 10 times if I should come
14:27
Speaker 2: because there's alcohol there and I don't think you'd like
14:29
Speaker 2: the environment. But they started just asking me like, you know,
14:32
Speaker 2: whether you want to come or not, we would love
14:33
Speaker 2: you to come. But we're going to be here at
14:35
Speaker 2: 12 if you'd like to come. And I'm like, hmm.
14:37
Speaker 2: Don't like that location but sure. No, thank you. Let's
14:39
Speaker 2: catch up with something else.
14:40
Speaker 1: How nice is it to be able to say no
14:41
Speaker 1: though but no, you're still invited.
14:42
Speaker 2: I just felt included. I just felt loved and it
14:44
Speaker 2: just like them just holding me in that instantly dissolved.
14:47
Speaker 2: I'm like, yeah, you guys don't have to invite me.
14:49
Speaker 2: I probably wouldn't come anyway.
14:50
Speaker 1: You're like, I just need you to do it one time.
14:52
Speaker 2: Literally.
14:52
Speaker 1: And now I'm good.
14:53
Speaker 2: Honestly, I'm not even kidding you. Once they invited me,
14:55
Speaker 2: I was like, oh, and they just reassured me. They're like,
14:57
Speaker 2: we always want you to be there. We don't want
14:59
Speaker 2: you to be in an environment that you don't like.
15:01
Speaker 2: We know you're not going to like this.
15:02
Speaker 1: And you're like, you know what? You're true. That's right.
15:04
Speaker 2: I'm like, you guys are absolutely right. You know me
15:05
Speaker 2: so well. Thank you. I love you. Thank you. We'll
15:07
Speaker 2: go for a nice walk in the morning.
15:08
Speaker 1: I won't be coming.
15:10
Speaker 2: They know me so well. But it was just that
15:13
Speaker 2: moment of like me being vulnerable and I felt ashamed
15:16
Speaker 2: to bring in that I felt jealous because it's never nice.
15:18
Speaker 2: And I've had past friendships that haven't been able to
15:20
Speaker 2: hold me in that and have ridiculed me or left
15:23
Speaker 2: me out more and it didn't end very well, you know.
15:26
Speaker 2: So it's nice if you can bring that in and
15:28
Speaker 2: just be held in it and vice versa. If you
15:30
Speaker 2: feel safe to breathe, you're leading and showing that you
15:32
Speaker 2: can do that and hopefully they can do that for
15:33
Speaker 2: you and you can hold them and their stuff too
15:34
Speaker 2: because we've all got wounds. Yeah. We've all got it.
15:37
Speaker 1: I hope this conversation helps you just be a little
15:39
Speaker 1: bit more courageous today.
15:40
Speaker 2: Yes.
15:40
Speaker 1: And just like rip the bandaid off. Yeah.
15:42
Speaker 2: Have a conversation.
15:43
Speaker 1: Say the thing.
15:44
Speaker 2: And don't do it by text.
15:45
Speaker 1: No.
15:45
Speaker 2: I think we always talk about this like FaceTime or
15:48
Speaker 2: Face to Face is even better because every time. Energy,
15:51
Speaker 2: touch on the lap, like a hug. It makes all
15:54
Speaker 2: the difference. We're talking about this all the time. It's
15:56
Speaker 2: in relationships too. Like if I get in a text
15:58
Speaker 2: war with Steve, the moment we talk face to face
16:00
Speaker 2: is so much better.
16:01
Speaker 1: The moment that you're triggered, you read it in the
16:03
Speaker 1: complete different way that it is meant. So true. It's
16:05
Speaker 1: like you're going to see it in a negative way.
16:07
Speaker 2: Yeah.
16:07
Speaker 1: If you read two text messages side by side, the
16:10
Speaker 1: exact same message, One in a positive tone and one
16:12
Speaker 1: in a negative one, you will always find a problem.
16:14
Speaker 2: 100%. If she doesn't put a kiss, I'm like, are
16:16
Speaker 2: you mad at me?
16:17
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why isn't her kiss there? Now I'm anxious.
16:20
Speaker 1: You don't love me.
16:23
Speaker 2: Oh, we hope you enjoyed this episode. Yeah, like you said,
16:25
Speaker 2: just give you courage to speak up, use your voice
16:28
Speaker 2: and get some more quality time back with your bestie.
16:30
Speaker 1: And just don't make these things such a big deal. Yeah.
16:32
Speaker 1: They feel like a big deal. They don't have to be.
16:34
Speaker 2: The moment you bring it in, it just dissolves so
16:36
Speaker 2: much away. And also, if she can't hold you in
16:38
Speaker 2: it and she has changed– her feelings around the friendship,
16:41
Speaker 2: like at least you have closure.
16:43
Speaker 1: So true.
16:43
Speaker 2: Because I don't know about anyone else, but if I
16:45
Speaker 2: don't have closure as to why a relationship hasn't ended,
16:48
Speaker 2: that I find really hard. I've had that in the
16:50
Speaker 2: past and I'm still questioning. People ask me, I'm like,
16:53
Speaker 2: I don't know.
16:53
Speaker 1: Yeah, wish I could tell you.
16:54
Speaker 2: I don't know why that friendship's ended. I didn't get
16:56
Speaker 2: any closure. So if you can have this conversation and
16:58
Speaker 2: maybe she is feeling like you guys have grown apart,
17:01
Speaker 2: you've got closure and then you can divert your energy
17:02
Speaker 2: and like create space for someone that is more aligned
17:05
Speaker 2: in your energy and field and friendship.
17:06
Speaker 1: Yeah.
17:07
Speaker 2: And that will be good for both of you rather
17:08
Speaker 2: than this like, elephant in the room of like who's
17:10
Speaker 2: gonna go first or I didn't get invited does she
17:12
Speaker 2: hate me what's happening yuck no I'd rather just know
17:15
Speaker 2: yeah where you're at where I'm at do we keep
17:17
Speaker 2: continuing this friendship or is it like I love you
17:19
Speaker 2: from afar yeah for now you know absolutely well said
17:23
Speaker 2: yep yep yep we'll let you guys this is a
17:26
Speaker 2: long bestie episode hope you enjoy
17:28
Speaker 1: This yes and we'll see you in the next one
17:30
Speaker 1: bye