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When Desire Feels Like A One Way Street · My Sexy Menopause Body

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to my sexy menopause party.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Menopause isn't something to dread.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's something to own with strength and confidence.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, sexiness.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because menopause doesn't mean fading into the background.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: It means stepping fully into who we are.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: And now here's your host, Kim Nicholson.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get started.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: Well, hello everybody.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: This is Kim Nicholson and welcome back to My Sexy Menopause Body and happy 2026.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: Very excited to get back on our podcast here.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: And uh guess what?
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: Today we're gonna talk about something almost nobody wants to say out loud because it feels so personal.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: But you know me, I like to talk about it, like to talk about everything.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: So we're gonna talk about when desire feels like a one-way street.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: When one of you, you or your partner, your husband, whomever, when one of you is reaching, like hoping or initiating or trying, and the other one just feels far away.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes this role can go back and forth.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: So it's not always just one person or another.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: Let's start there.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: So maybe you're the one who wants to, you know, wants more closeness.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: And you're starting to wonder if you're annoying, or maybe you're feeling like, am I needy, or am I just too much?
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: Or maybe you're the one who wants less right now, and you're starting to feel the pressure before before anything even happens.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's like your body braces the second your partner walks into the room, and all I want to say, I want to say this so slowly because it changes everything.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: Hear me now.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: This is not a character flaw, and this is not proof your relationship is failing, and this is not a sign that something is wrong.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: This is one of the most normal patterns in long-term love, especially in midlife, when bodies change, stress changes, uh, sleep changes, right?
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: Your hormone changes, your even your identity changes.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: And when we don't understand what's happening, we do the most human thing in the world.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: We make it mean something.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: Don't you get it?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: I know I do that all the time.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: If I don't understand what's going on, I think about it.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, what does that mean?
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: What does that mean?
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: You know, if you want more, you think, well, I'm not wanted.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: Or if you want less, you think I'm letting them down.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: And both sides end up feeling alone, right?
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: So let me tell you a quick story.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: There is a moment I hear in coaching, in coaching conversations, again and again, and again, I am not a therapist, I am a national board certified health and wellness coach.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: But this topic is such a common topic, and that's really one of the reasons why I named this podcast My Sexy Menopause Body, because about 89-90% of my clients say they just don't feel sexy in their skin again or at this age.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: So that was the reason I started this podcast.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: So anyway, let me go back to that quick story I was about to tell you.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: So there is this moment when I uh coach in conver and the conversation comes up again and again, and it's so quiet that people don't even realize they're doing it when they say it.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: So one of my um one that just comes to mind, uh a woman will say to me, let's just say, I miss being wanted, or I miss feeling like I mattered in that way.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: And then she'll laugh.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what that laugh does?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: That laugh tries to make it casual.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: But and then she'll say, I know it shouldn't matter, but it does.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: Or a man will say, I feel like I'm always the one trying, and I'm tired of being turned down.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's starting to feel like rejection, you know, kind of as a personality trait.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: And they're both describing what they're and what they're really doing, they're both describing is not just desire, they're describing safety.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: Let me say that again.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: In both of these scenarios, they're both describing what they're describing is not desire, they're describing safety because desire is not just a physical thing, desire is a nervous system thing.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: If your nervous system feels safe, desire can rise.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: If your nervous system feels pressured or judged or exhausted or resentful or unseen, desire doesn't rise, it protects you.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: This is not drama, this is biology doing its job.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: So today I want to do something different.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: I do not want to give you cute little tips.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: I want to give you kind of a mental shift, a real one.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: Because the way out of a one-way street is not trying harder, it's understanding what street you're actually on.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: So let's talk about.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna call this two invisible stories.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: So here's what I want you to notice.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: When desire is mismatched, two invisible stories start playing, right?
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: Story one is on one side of the one who wants more, wants more from the relationship, more desire.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: It goes like this.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: So if you wanted me, you would.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: If you love me, you would.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: If I mattered, you would, right?
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: Haven't you heard that?
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: And story two is on the side of the one who wants less, and it goes something like this.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: If I don't give them what they want, I'm failing.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: If I say no, I'm hurting them.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: If I can't get myself to want it, something must be wrong with me.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: So do you see what's happening here?
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: Both stories are actually built on fear.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: One fears rejection, right?
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: And one fears obligation.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: And guess what?
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: Fear isn't sexy, fear is not intimate, fear is not the opposite of desire.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: So let's replace that fear with the truth.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: Truth for the one who wants more, your longing is not shameful, wanting connection is not weakness, but if you are initiating from panic or from keeping score, your partner will feel it, even if you never say it.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: So the truth for the one who wants less is your no is not cruelty, your slower pace is not betrayal.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: But if you shut down without explaining what's happening inside you, your partner will fill in the blanks with their worst fear, right?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: We've all done that.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: And then guess what?
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: You both lose.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: So starting from there, the next thing we're gonna talk about is what I had mentioned earlier that this nervous system truth, the basically the nervous system truth changes everything.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: So I want to give you a concept here that will change how you interpret this dynamic uh dynamic situation.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: And it is this desire is often not spontaneous, it's responsive, right?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: Meaning, for a lot of people, desire doesn't desire does not show up first, safety shows up first, closeness shows up first, playfulness shows up first, then desire follows.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: Follow me on that one.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're waiting to feel desire before you offer touch or closeness or laughter or softness, you're gonna be waiting forever.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: Not because you're hopeless, but because you're waiting for the last domino to fall before you can set the first one up.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're always pushing for desire first, you're skipping the steps that actually create it.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: So here's the reframe: instead of asking, why don't you want me?
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: We start asking a better question to begin with.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: What helps your nervous system open up?
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: And what helps mine open?
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: Because this conversation is not actually about sex at all.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: It's about what creates openness between two human beings.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, I have this interactive exercise.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: I call it the desire map.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: And okay, here's what I want you to actually now.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: I want you to do something and not just listen to me.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're driving, just listen for now and come back later.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: If you can pause and write, do it.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: If not, do it in your notes app or something.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I call this the desire map, and it only takes about three minutes, and it can change a relationship.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: Step one, choose your side.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: So what side are you on right now in your relationship?
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: Are you most often the one who wants more or the one who wants less?
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: Now there's no shame in this, there's no justification.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: Just pick one side or the other.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: Think about that one.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: Now, step two, answer this sentence for me.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: When I want more, what I'm really wanting is blank, and you can't write sex.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: All right, so you sex is not your answer.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: I want you to go deeper than that.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: You cannot write sex.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna ask you that question again.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: When I want more, what I'm really wanting is fill in your answer.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, you may write things like I want to feel chosen, or I want to feel close, or I want to feel like we were still us.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: I want to feel like I matter beyond logistics, I want to feel desired.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: Those are good answers to start with when you fill in your blank.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: Now, on the other side, if you're the one who wants less, let's answer this sentence.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: So, when I want less, what I'm really needing is blank.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: Again, can't answer the word, can't put the word sex in there.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: You need to go deeper than that.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: So you might write, I need rest, or I need to feel safe, or I need to feel press, I feel I need to feel not pressured about this.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: I need uh time to transition out of my day.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: I need to feel uh emotionally connected first, or I need my body to feel comfortable.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so we've got the two sides, the two stories there, right?
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: And you filled in your blank.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so you know where I'm going with this one, right?
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: All right, so now step three, and this is the uh this is the part most couples never do.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: So write your two biggest desire blockers, not their blockers, you're not pointing fingers, your blockers.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: This is yours.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: So if you want more desire, your blockers might be feeling rejected, you feeling invisible, feeling like we only touch when it leads somewhere.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're on the other story, and if you want less, your blockers might be something like feeling like touch is always a doorway to sex, or feeling criticized, or feeling exhausted, or pain with intimacy, or feeling disconnected emotionally.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: So fill in those answers.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: Now, step four: the most important question: what is one small thing that helps me open?
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: Not what should help, what actually helps?
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: One small thing.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: For the one who wants more, it might be something, a real hug.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm talking a real hug that lasts 10 seconds minimum, or a compliment, or a text in the middle of the day.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_01: For the one who wants less, it might be a transition ritual after dinner.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you do you have something that you do after dinner to spend time alone with each other or something, or a massage with no expectations, or a walk together, or a conversation that doesn't involve problems.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so now look at what you wrote.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: Now, this is not a diagnosis, this is a map, okay?
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's a map, and most people have never even shown their partner this map, but yet this map contains so much information for each other, and it really has helped tremendously so many people.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: So they've only shown the frustration.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: So, what I want on what I'm going to give away give you today is a way to talk about this without blaming and without begging.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: This is the conversation.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_01: And listen, this is this is where the best podcast win here.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: I want you to actually use this, and I want you to not let your ego show up.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, this is the language you can actually use.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_01: So here's the rule: we're not going to say you never.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_01: We're not going to say you always.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: We are not going to say what's wrong with you.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: We are going to talk about the nervous system and what helps us open.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: So you can say this.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_01: Honey, I want to talk to you about something tender or sensitive, and I want to do it gently.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: Or lately, desire has felt like a one-way street for us.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't want to blame you, and I don't want you to, I don't want to pressure you.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_01: I want to understand what helps you feel open.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I want to share what helps me feel open because I miss us.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_01: That line matters because I miss us.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_01: Then you read your your roadmap or your desire map.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: Not all of it, just one or two pieces of it.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: If you want more, you might say, Well, when I reach for sex, I'm not read, I'm not just reaching for sex.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_01: I'm reaching for closeness.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: Or I'm reaching for feeling chosen.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: And when I get turned down, I'm I start telling myself a story that I'm not wanted.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I and I don't want to live in that story.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: And if you want less, you might say, well, when I pull away, it's not that I don't love you.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: It's that my body feels pressured or exhausted.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: And when I sense expectation, I just shut down.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't want to shut down.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: I want to find a way back to you that feels safe for me too.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: Do you feel how different that is?
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_01: Now, here's the question that changes the conversation.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_01: What is one small thing we can do this week that makes it easier for you to say yes and safer for me to hear no?
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_01: Uh-huh.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_01: That question is called mature love because it honors both the nervous system, it honors both nervous systems.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_01: So here's what I want.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_01: I do have an exercise for you.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_01: You wouldn't think I wouldn't have one today, right?
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_01: I always have one for you.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: So I want to give you an interactive practice that will create real movement this week.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_01: I call it the two yeses rule.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: For the next seven days, you're going to practice touch and connection only when there are two yeses.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_01: All right, but here's the twist.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_01: So a yes can be for closeness, not sex.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_01: Meaning you and your partner create two categories.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_01: Category one is connection.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_01: This includes cuddling, hugging, kissing, sitting close to each other, back rubs.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um, how about a hand on a thigh while you're watching TV?
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_01: Any of those, okay?
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_01: Those are the first category.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, category number two is intimacy.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_01: So you've got to be able to answer yes to one of these.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_01: This includes anything that is sexual.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_01: The agreement is simple.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: Connection, yes, is available more often because it's not loaded.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_01: Intimacy, yes, happens only when both people want it.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_01: This does two powerful things.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_01: It helps the one who wants less feel safe because touch is no longer a trap.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_01: And it helps the one who wants more feel connected because closeness is no longer withheld until it becomes sexual.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_01: So for seven days, you practice connection.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm using air quotes here.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, daily.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_01: Just 10 minutes, no phones, no problem solving, just closeness.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_01: And if intimacy happens, fantastic.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_01: And if it doesn't, you still win because you're rebuilding safety and connection, which is the soil desire grows in.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_01: All right, so let me give you a kind of a closing perspective here.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_01: I want to end with something that might make you breathe easier.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_01: A one-way street does not mean the relationship is doomed at all.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_01: It means the relationship is calling for a new language, a new pace, a new nervous system agreement, right?
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're the one who wants more, I want you to hear this.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_01: You're not too much.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_01: You are a human being just craving closeness.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're the one who wants less, I want you to hear this.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_01: You're not failing.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_01: You are human being needing safety.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_01: The goal is not to get someone to want what you want.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_01: The goal is to become curious about what opens for both of you.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_01: So because two people stop trying to win and start trying to understand, desire stops feeling like it's a battlefield.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_01: And it starts feeling like a place you can meet again.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_01: So this week, do the desire map and have the one-way conversation.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_01: Try the two yeses rules for seven days.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_01: And if you want, message me the word street and I'll share the temp templates with you.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_01: Or you can go to my website www.kimnick.com and you will see it under my VIP section.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_01: You'll have both of these.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_01: I'll put the two yeses rules, and I'll also put the desire map on there for you.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_01: So thank you for joining me today.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um, please share my podcast, tell others about it.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I'm just delighted to have you spend this time with me, and I'm so excited to spend this time with you.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_01: And until next week, my name is Kim Nicholson, and this is my sexy menopause body.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_01: And remember this love doesn't need pressure.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_01: Love needs presence.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's a whole new beginning.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: This is your time to own your power.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: Rewrite the rules and show up unapologetically because sexy doesn't fire.