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Green Flags in Dating · Gay Men Going Deeper

• 0:00
  Speaker A: Hello, and welcome to Gay Men going deeper, a podcast by the gay men's brotherhood that showcases raw and real conversations about personal development, mental health, and sexuality from an unapologetically gay perspective. I'm your host, Michael Diorio. And joining me today are Matt Lancital and Reno Johnston. Today we're talking about green flags in dating, and we're going to be exploring questions. What green flags do you look for in dating and why are they green flags for you? What green flags do you bring into dating? And how do you differentiate between a green flag and someone who just wants to make a good impression? What we want you to get out of today's episode is to find clarity and understanding in what your green flags are. We really want you guys to understand that there are lots of healthy, positive things in dating and green flags. We tend to spend a lot of time focusing on the negative, the red flags or yellow flags. And so we want today to be a bit more positive, upbeat, looking at the signs that say, proceed, keep going. This is a good thing. So if you're new here, please subscribe to the channel on YouTube. And if you're listening on your favorite podcast platform, please subscribe and leave us a review which will help us get into the ears of people who need us. All right, let's talk about green flags. So if you listen to the last episode we did on red Flags, at the end, we said, hey, guys, we should really do an episode on green Flags. And so here we are, just like that. And, you know, we think it's important that we flip the script because, you know, as we said, sometimes we get really caught up in looking for warnings and caution and red flags and deal breakers when we're dating. But it is just as important, if not more so. I would say that we recognize the positive signs that somebody could be a great match for us. So I'll just define green flags for us. For anyone who is not familiar with the term, green flags are those behaviors and traits that show up or that show us that we're on the right track when we're dating somebody. Green means go. It means proceed, move forward. It tells us that we are connecting with someone who's compatible and aligned with our values. So we're going to do today is very similar to what we did in the last episode. We're going to share our own personal green flags and what we look for in others and what we bring ourselves. And now we're going to share how we can tell if these signs are truly genuine or not. So let's dive in. The first question is, what green flags do you look for in dating and why are they green flags for you? And today we're going to start with Matt.
• 2:21
  Speaker B: Very easy last week or last episode to identify red flags for me. And I realized when I was looking for my green flags, all of my green flags are reference points from my red flags. And I really want to heal that. I think it's because I grew up with a lot of relational trauma. So I had a core belief from a young age that the worlds not safe people arent safe. So while there was a part of me that was very hyper vigilant to red flags, there was also a part of me that was quite desensitized to them. So then I would put myself in situations where I was exposed to a lot of red flags and being re traumatized by them. So I think ive done a lot of work on myself to get to a point where im able to identify green flags, but I still have some work to do to kind of really extrapolate them apart from each other and be able just to kind of start dating by looking for green flags and recognizing them in people. The first one that I resonated with the most was kindness. It's such an energetic thing because I think sometimes people can act kind, but an energetic of kindness is just, you can see it in somebody's eyes too, the way that they have kind eyes. There's a kindness about them. Their actions match their words in a big way. So that's definitely a big one. For me. Emotional availability is one that im really, really seeking right now. Ive done a lot of work on myself. I have a deep, deep capacity to be emotionally available and to communicate and share my feelings and these sorts of things. So im really looking for that. And that accompanies this whole notion of emotional availability. Its kind of like an umbrella of things like being vulnerable, having intimacy, being a strong communicator about your emotions. It's an essential, like, I absolutely need it because I'm demisexual. And for those of you who don't know what demisexual is, it's somebody who is essentially aroused, sexually aroused by emotional connection. You need emotional connection in sex in order for it to be sustaining and fulfilling. So the emotional availability piece is really, really key. So how do I assess for that one? I'm trying to think like how emotional availability day one, it's kind of hard, right? It's kind of hard. But as you get to know somebody like you start to recognize capacity. Do they have capacity to talk about their emotions. You know, what's their emotional range? If they have a bad day, like, are they able to express themselves and share emotionally what's coming up? Or if I do something that maybe irks them, are they able to communicate that in a way that's, like, healthy and they're expressive, these sorts of things. Knowing what they want is a big green flag for me. Somebody who knows what they want. I love a man who's certain that understands their needs, understands their fears, their insecurities. Like, self awareness, I think, is kind of what I'm getting to here, like, an inner knowingness. Pacing is a big one for me. I think when a person is able to pace connection, not rush in, but not be scared, like, they're able to kind of just move at a good pace so we can hit those relationship milestones, like, you know, getting to know somebody, learning to trust, learning to rely, learning to commit, those are all progressive for me. They're. They're kind of linear. So when somebody is, like, able to kind of meet me at that same pace where it's like, okay, let's get to know each other and then move on to the next milestone is, is a huge green flag for me. Curiosity is a big one. When somebody takes an interest in me, I tend to have a very rich inner world. I can be a dynamic and complex person at times. So I need somebody to ask a lot of questions. If they want to understand me, they need to have a. A good sense of curiosity. So that's a really green flag for me. And then lastly, sensual and sexual combo, I think because sensuality, in my opinion, is just as important as sexuality. And, like, sex. I love getting raw and raunchy with my lover just as much as I love, you know, massaging and tickling and tantric and all the things. So I like there to be, like, more of a capacity to explore both the yin and the yang of sex, in my opinion. I could go on and on, but I'll save some for you guys.
• 6:20
  Speaker A: Yeah, that's good. Say, those are all great. Now is a good time to remind our listeners and viewers that we are all single guys here, so take notes. All right, Reno, how about you? What are some of the green flags you look for and why?
• 6:35
  Speaker C: Well, I've got a list, and Matt said a lot of them, which is fun, and I'm sure you will, too, Michael. But I want to start with an experience I had. There was a guy. Well, there is a guy, and we're friends, and I probably mentioned him on the podcast previously and we had a conflict and I think it was probably our first conflict, like the first one we ever had. And I remember I was like misreading the situation because I think he was trying to invite playfulness, but I wasn't experiencing it as like sincere. And I also just wasn't in the space for that. And so we were on the ride back from crabbing and I was in the backseat. He asked me if I was joining them for dinner and I said that I wasnt going to be. And then he asked me again moments later and I said I wasnt. And he said, is everything okay? And I said, no, its not. I dont really like you right now. And he was like, oh, okay, whats going on? And I said, you know, your friends are here, so like, well, lets just talk about it tomorrow after youve had time with your friends. And he was like, no, no, no, I would like to talk about it now. And I said it's okay, like enjoy your time with your friends. And he insisted. And he said, and this rocked my world. He said, you're important to me. Our relationship is important to me. This conversation is important to me. And so let's go for a walk and just take ten minutes to check in. I want to be connected to you. And that was remarkable. I don't know what you call that, like sincerity, emotional intelligence and maturity, responsiveness. Like, I mean, awareness. Like there's so much in that, you.
• 8:19
  Speaker B: Know, there's emotion even too.
• 8:21
  Speaker C: There we go. Exactly. And so, yeah, I was just so moved by that. And very quickly we just talked. We saw there was a misunderstanding and a miss, you know, sort of a disconnect. And we repaired it quickly and had like a really, really beautiful evening together, you know, and im so glad that they didnt miss out. And so I think for me, theres so much in that story I think that I really appreciate. So green flags. Humor is big for me. Like someone who has a sense of humor. I love laughter. I think its medicinal. And its just such a significant part of so many of my relationships. Like my favorite relationships are the ones that include just a lot of laughter. But also on my list is depth, right? I'm not big on astrology, but I'm a water sign. And I also love the water. I love to swim. I love the depth and the wetness. And so for me, someone who's willing to get deep and to explore is a real turn on. And I think with that comes curiosity and willingness. But yeah, it's always so fun to me when I meet someone who's comfortable with really sort of going deep. And I've been lucky to connect with some people who really embrace the sort of edginess of that depth but are excited and curious. Also fun. Synonymous with humor, I would say. I really appreciate someone who's up for having fun and, like, a bit of. A bit of spontaneity. I like planning and stability, for sure. Those are important to me. I also just really, really value spontaneity and fun. So someone who's willing to kind of pivot or, like, follow their intuition or mine, you know, if I'm like, hey, you, trust me. You open to, like, trying this or going here. Care. Care is a big one. And I would sort of lump that in with sincerity. Like, someone who's caring and sincere. Those are really important, and I really pay attention for that, too. Like, does this person care for other people? Does this person care for themselves? Do they care just in general and, oh, personal hygiene. Personal hygiene. I love someone who takes care of themselves. And listen, I like a little bush downstairs and a little bush on the face. You know, like, it's fine. Stubble, great, right? But, like, brush your teeth, wash your ass, you know, like, take care of yourself. Just, like, put a little bit of effort into caring for yourself. I think that, for me, is super, super important. You know, you have to be, like, dressed up, dolled up all the time. I'm pretty, like, low key in moments and then, you know, not in others, but, um, yeah, just, like, personal hygiene. Big. Oh, last one is not really a green flag necessarily, but I'm really hot for guys who are, like, I like intellectual types, like, someone who's just really knowledgeable in, like, their craft or, like, their area expertise, or just someone who's, like, really smart. There's something about, like, a smart, witty guy that's so sexy.
• 11:46
  Speaker A: I agree with all these. Where are these men? Come forth, men.
• 11:49
  Speaker B: Exactly.
• 11:51
  Speaker A: Reveal yourselves.
• 11:52
  Speaker C: Totally.
• 11:53
  Speaker A: All right. Those are all very good. And I second all of that. Both what Reno and Matt said. I mean, yeah, it's everything of the opposite of the red flags, right? So last week, I talked about, you know, people who were flaky. So for me, a green flag would be people who are reliable. And what I've learned in dating, this most recent iteration of being single, is that things that I thought were common courtesy are not, apparently, common courtesy anymore. So, yeah, this is a problem in society, I would say. And it really drives me crazy. So things like, you know, texting back within reason, and if you're busy, just say so, hey, I'm at work right now, I'll text you later, or, hey, I just can't get back to you. Just say it. And then again, just doing what you say you're going to do. You know, I've been seeing a guy for a few months now, the summer, and our first date, he does like a huge green flag. Like, we had planned it like a few days before, and we kind of had this plan. And then I was going to go pick a pizza and come over and we're going to watch Roux and have a bottle of wine, whatever. So the day of, like, we hadn't talked that day because I was busy. I was recording with you guys and just was a whole bunch of stuff happening. And then the time came was like an hour or two, and he messages me and like, by the way, you know, this is the pizza I got. I'll be there, you know, at the time, just to confirm the plan, like, not to ask me the question, but just to say I'll be there at this time wasn't a question. It was like, I'll be there as we discussed. And this is the kind of pizza I'm getting. If you, if you want something else, let me know. And I was like, oh, my God bless. Like, that was a huge dream flag for me. And lo and behold, he showed up right on time. So again, you know, why is this important to me, though? Because in my mind, when I'm dating someone, I'm kind of sussing them out for, like, long term potential, right? And so if we're going to be together in the long term, if we're going to build a life together, because, girl, I'm 41 years old, like, let's get this going. You know, I need to be able to rely on you, right? And that integrity is really important to me, and that also builds trust. When you consistently do what you say you're going to do, even if it's something small like pick up pizza at a certain time, that builds trust over time. And that is so attractive to me. Like, I don't have to worry about whether I can rely on this person or not. So reliability is really important. Similar to what you guys had said is you're just being communicative. A big red flag for me would be like someone who ghosts, stonewalls, doesn't say how he feels when there's conflict. He kind of pulls away, which is so what I used to do. I get it. I get it. I used to be that guy, for sure. But now I'm like, that's a red flag for me. So therefore, a green flag would be someone like Reno's guy, who in that moment where there's a little bit of. I don't know if you want to call it conflict, but something's up. He just addresses it right away in a very mature, kind, respectful, beautiful way.
• 14:26
  Speaker B: Like that story.
• 14:26
  Speaker A: Renault was great. Whoever that man is, give him a prize. We need more like him. Yes. So, yeah, like expressive. Use your words. You know, I don't want to have to pull things out of you. I don't want to have to guess. I shouldn't have to guess how you're feeling or what you need or what you want. You should be able to say it. Going back to that integrity. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't be afraid to speak your mind. Don't be afraid to have an opinion. But you can do so in a way that is mature and kind and respectful. Right. Also going back to communication, communicating your vulnerability. That's really attractive as well. So much what Matt had said. So that's super nice when someone's like, you know, here's how I'm feeling. Here's what's coming up for me. You know, I'm feeling a bit insecure about this, or I'm not so sure about this, or I'm afraid. Right. Hearing that is such a turn on for me. And such a green flag, because, a, it shows me he knows his emotions, and b, he's not afraid to share them. And that is very attractive trait.
• 15:17
  Speaker C: Yeah.
• 15:18
  Speaker A: And then finally, one that I've just. Just added to my green flag list. I don't know what it's called, but there's a story behind it. Maybe you guys can help me find the word. So I was with this guy that I was just telling you about, and we were going on another date somewhere, and we had plans to go out for dinner. It was Friday. Again, it was another Friday night. We have a Friday tradition, and it was another Friday night, and we were going somewhere, and as we were walking there, the restaurant was closed. Something happened, and our plans just got screwed up because I had made this wonderful plan, and in the last minute, our plan screwed up. And so I went into, like, overdrive mode. Like, oh, my God, just, like, panic, right? With what I call this is revving.
• 15:56
  Speaker B: I rev.
• 15:56
  Speaker A: Like, I spiral, and I just start going really fast and talking really fast and just trying to figure everything out really fast. Really anxious. And we're walking down the street. And he just, like, stops. He's like, stop. Breathe. And I'm like, I don't want to breathe. We can't breathe. Like, we gotta figure this out. And he just made me. He just stopped. He's like, I'm not moving with you. I'm not. I'm not going forward with this until you breathe. Like, breathe with me. And he, like, held me, and he just said, breathe me. And it was so funny because this is exactly what I would do if I was in his shoes, but when I'm the one, in that moment, I'm like, I don't want to fucking breathe. I was just so attached to being upset or in my. Whatever, anxious or whatever I was. So he just hugged me and told me to stop and breathe, and then he was. He was laughing at me, right? He was laughing at me doing this. He wasn't upset with me. He was just laughing. He was like, you're. You're being ridiculous. Like, there's nothing that's gone wrong here. So that's when I realized in my head, I'm like, michael, he's right. Like, you're being ridiculous. Nothing has gone wrong. We're gonna have a great night. Doesn't matter where we go for dinner. Plans don't matter. I'm with him, but whatever. So I don't know what quality that is, but that. That was, for me, a green flag. And I was like, this man just totally defused me and copped me, and, like, was peaceful, and he brought this soothing energy, and it was just the interruption I needed. What would you guys call that?
• 17:09
  Speaker C: Responsiveness?
• 17:10
  Speaker B: I was going to say, I think because I'm relating, and that's very gemini.
• 17:14
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 17:15
  Speaker B: Like, we, when our wheels start spinning, it's really hard to slow it down. And I'm like, I'm so convinced that air signs need earth or water signs. Like, because if we're with other heirs in a relationship, it becomes, like, too much of the wheel spinning. But what came through is patience. Like, he was just, he slowed the things down. Like, he was patient with the moment and is able to draw you back into the present moment. And that's, like, a red flag I bring into dating is impatience. Like, I'm not a very patient person because I'm speed, speed, speed. So my work is to slow down.
• 17:46
  Speaker A: Yeah, that's it. It's, like, grounded. That's the word I think of, like, groundedness. Like a grounded energy.
• 17:51
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 17:52
  Speaker A: Calms me right down. It kind of complements my sometimes not grounded.
• 17:57
  Speaker C: Yeah. My exes are like, hurry the fuck up. Yeah, I'm too fucked.
• 18:04
  Speaker A: There's a nice balance in there, right? You can compliment it, right? Yeah, I think that's important for me again, because, you know, what I realized in that moment is I do have that tendency. And where other people might have just, like, said, whoa, here he goes.
• 18:15
  Speaker B: Leave him alone.
• 18:16
  Speaker A: Which, you know, is one thing you can do. Sure. And I get it. I get it. You don't want to necessarily interact when I'm in that or revving moment. But he just wasn't afraid and just was like, he laughed at me. He was like, you're being ridiculous. Like, this is not a big. And so, yeah, I think for me, that represents, like, I have it up on my wall here. I have on my vision board something that says tranquil home. And that word tranquility and peace is so important. So I'm going to, again, build a live share home with somebody. I want my home to be peaceful, no drama, anchoring, calming, soothing. And so in that moment, that's what he represented to me.
• 18:48
  Speaker C: Thanks for sharing that. Yeah, I love the anecdotal stories, too, especially for, like, for us and also for listeners, because it kind of gives you, like, an experiential taste of, like, what, you know, like, here's what a green flag looks like in action, you know?
• 19:06
  Speaker B: Yeah, I want to share impact of your story, renal, because I was like, when you were sharing it, like, made me feel, like, almost emotional. Like, I was like, oh, that's like, what I want. Like, I want a man that can, like, envelop. That's like he's in his masculine. Like, he's containing, and he's like, let's go for a walk. Like, he takes charge of the moment.
• 19:25
  Speaker A: I need that.
• 19:26
  Speaker B: I've never had that. I've never had that ever in my dating world. So there was a yearning I felt when you shared your story, a yearning to have that and also just a happiness for you that you had that experience. And I know for me, you used the word rupture, pretty sure, right? Yeah. So rupture or repair. I think you used repair. And I kind of look at that as, like, but when we were repairing, there has to be a rupture. And I know a pattern I've played out in my relationships, probably very subconscious, is I create rupture to test their capacity for repair. And a lot of guys suck at repair. And then I'm like, but I don't want to do that. I want to have to. I don't want to have to test people because it's a very, you know, it's just not a good way to go about it. But that's very, very fearful avoidant attachment style, like testing a lot to see if this person can show up for you and. But somebody's ability to repair. I love that. I think it's, it should be tested in, but just in healthy ways to see if the person can show up and contain.
• 20:20
  Speaker C: Mmm. Containment. I love that word so much.
• 20:24
  Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, me too.
• 20:25
  Speaker A: The word that comes to mind for me is maturity. Like that is just what I would call a man versus a boy. Yeah, I've dated a lot of boys. All right, guys, let's give our audience a chance to chime in here. So for our listeners and viewers out there, you've been listening to us spout out all of our green flags. We want to hear from you. So comment on YouTube. What do you look out for in dating? Okay, what are some of your grand flags? Share with us now. If you actually want to participate in this discussion with us and other podcast listeners, you can do so. You can join us on the last Thursday of every month in the gay men's Brotherhood, sharing circles where you'll have a chance to share your own experiences on the topic of the month, topics that we discuss here on the podcast. We also have our connection circles which happen on the second Thursday of every month. And there are smaller, more intimate breakout rooms where you can discuss the topics of the podcast with other members of the community. So what we do is we put you in break rooms of three just like we are here, and you've got about an hour just to talk about what we discussed. So if you're interested in either of these events, please go to www.gamingsbrotherhood.com and check out our events section to RSvP. If you don't have Facebook, don't worry, we can still send you the link as long as you're on our email list. All right, now let's turn the table and reflect on what green flags we bring in today. Dating. All right, Matt, this was a very.
• 21:43
  Speaker B: Dualistic experience for me. My ease of finding my red flags. It wasn't easy sharing them, but it was easy finding them in myself and then going into red green flags. I'm noticing a bit of discomfort in wanting to share them as well, but also it was a little bit harder for me to find them and I had to go down memory lane of like, oh, this is how I showed up in this time. So it's just interesting how just my relationship to self compassion is being highlighted, I think, as I navigate these two episodes that we've done. But I just. So I just wanted to share that green flag. I am extremely self aware, sometimes even too self aware. I know myself very well and I think that is a good thing. I am able to communicate from that place. So communication is very, very strong. I'm a strong communicator. I have easy access to being vulnerable, which allows me to like form bonds and build intimacy with people. So that would probably be one of my greater strengths. I think I'm a very compassionate person. I value life, I value people. I value health and healing and I want to see people happy and healthy. And so I've devoted my life that and I think anybody that lands me is going to have a very compassionate person with high empathy as well. And with that, usually a green flag in high empathy is that im able to attune to people and attune to their needs. So im usually very, very good. I think I make my lovers feel very cared for and very understood and seen because im able to kind of see even behind the curtain, even if they dont want me to see. I can see behind the curtain always. And then this is a newer thing for me. I never used to practice humility as much, but I feel like in the last. Well, since brotherhood started, ive eaten a lot of humble pie. And I think ive gotten to a point now where im able to be more balanced between ego and soul energy. And I think humility has been a big part of what ive been trying to embody. And then I thought about you with this next one. Time management, Michael. Thats something im exceptional at literally. Will leave my house, I'll drive to wherever I gotta be. And I pull up into the parking spot at the exact time I meant to be there. It's like I'm working with some sort of time fairies that are making sure I'm always on time. I'm just very, very good. I'm very organized and you know that like working with me, I'm pretty on it. Even through what I've been going through the last, like I've still been on it, you know what I mean? Like with all my shit, mental health stuff I've been dealing with, I've still been able to manage my life and my time and all that sort of stuff. I would say this is a newer one for me, but building, knowing before trusting. As you guys know, I've talked about the attachment phases, the knowing, trusting, committing relying. They move in that order. And I think I've developed this into a green flag of really getting to know somebody, taking the time, pacing myself, and then building trust from that place. And honesty. I'm a very honest person. I don't sugarcoat anything. I'm very, just authentic. I say it as it is. And I've always been like that. I think when somebody is in a relationship with me, theyre going to get my honest opinion on pretty much everything and to the point where some people even describe me as opinionated. But hey, at least I have opinions. And then kindness. I look forward in people because I am a kind person. Im generally a kind person. And then the last one I put here that I think for me, I look for it in others, but I also am, it is a domestic, im a very domestic guy. I like at home most of the time. I like cooking, cleaning, organizing, nurturing, caring for, like, I'm just like that kind of person. So I think if I was in, if someone was in a relationship with me, they would feel very, I created a nice home, a nice home environment within the relationship, but also environmentally as well. I don't have a story. I feel like I'm storyless today, so I'm just going to leave it at my lists.
• 25:37
  Speaker A: Yeah, that's great. I'm sure there's a bunch of guys out there stoning because that sounded really nice.
• 25:41
  Speaker B: Oh, thank you.
• 25:42
  Speaker C: It was also really beautiful just to hear you honor yourself in that way. I noticed that I felt this kind of vulnerability in hearing you share about yourself in that way. And I noticed how edgy it can feel to say good things about yourself. It's almost easier to identify the red flags and say them out loud than it is to gas ourselves up and just like, highlight whats awesome about us, you know? So if anyone is feeling that way right now, its like, youre not alone, its edgy.
• 26:15
  Speaker B: Yeah. We should give the audience an opportunity in the connection circle to practice that because it was really cool. Like, im glad you felt that because it did feel vulnerable, but it also felt like I stepped into my power a bit around it. Like, yes, these are me. These are the things ive cultivated and ive done a lot of hard work on myself to get here. So I should be proud and screaming from the rooftops. Like, these are the things that make me awesome. So thank you.
• 26:39
  Speaker C: That's right. I want to try something, too. Like maybe once we've all shared, I would love for each of us to, like, share a green flag we see in the other person or experience from the other person. So, like, I'll say, yours and what? Mine for you, Matt. And mine for you, Michael. And then, like, vice versa. Okay, so there's a few things here. We were looking for a word previously for what we had experienced. Grace is one of my green flags. Grace, I had a lover ages ago. And I remember we were navigating some conflict. And I was very responsive throughout the whole situation. Like, very responsive, very regulated, and just very considerate of, like, what was unfolding. And he said to me very sincerely, like, I want to thank you for the grace with which you have embodied throughout this whole situation. And I don't always get that right, but I would say, like, it's been said many times about me, you know? And so I think that that's definitely a green flag of mine is grace embodying it and bringing it into my relational dynamics. Matt, you said this already. I'm pretty domestic as well. I learned this with my ex. And actually, Grace and the domestic aspect of me showed up in that relationship as well. I remember he was going to school, so he'd be at school all day, and I'd be at home, like, coaching and that sort of thing. And I would wake up in the morning and just kind of say goodbye to him if he came home for lunch. Like, I would make him lunch. I made us dinners, and we would sit, like, out on the patio for dinner. I did laundry, made the bed, like, cleaned our space. You know, I was always really excited to do domestic things to help make his life easier and to also make him feel loved. And it's interesting. Cause they say, like, the ways you give love are often the ways you want to receive it. And what's interesting is that actually, like, I don't necessarily need my partner to be domestic. You know? Like, I'm happy with kind of running the show in that regard. It's so joyous for me. It's so fun for me. And it's a way that I show them that I love them and I care for them. So there's that. And then, well, sensuality, big one, is definitely a green flag. It shows up in so many different ways to, like, know if you come into my space, like, if we're on a date, let's say. Or, like, even with friends. Even with my. Like, my friends who come over. I like handles. I put on music sometimes. There's those, like, scenic YouTube videos with the music. I'll put that on, like, the fireplace or whatever. There's, like, scents and there's tastes and there's sounds and there's like, it's just being with me is definitely like a sensory, sensual experience, you know, especially if I get you in the, in the bedroom, then you're in real trouble. So. Yeah, like, very sensual. Very sensual. I've done the work, you know, and continue to do the work. Like, I prioritize the work. I prioritize growth and becoming a better person. And you can see that. You can see that in my life, in my day to day. You know what I'm watching, what I'm listening to, what I'm up to, the conversation, the uncomfortable conversations I'm having. There's so many things that point to and so many people as well who, who can confirm this, like a willingness to live, to show up, to grow, to evolve. I think that's a major green flag. And then I'm truthful. That's the last one. There's probably lots of others, but I'll tell you what's up.
• 30:34
  Speaker A: I love all those. Yeah.
• 30:35
  Speaker C: And for the record, when you said you were 41, I got so turned on, by the way. I'm just throwing that out there. I was like, I did not know you were 41. That's hot.
• 30:45
  Speaker A: Really?
• 30:45
  Speaker C: You didn't know how old I'm geek, so for some reason, but when you.
• 30:48
  Speaker B: How old are you, Reno?
• 30:49
  Speaker C: I'm 36. I turned 37 in like a few weeks, I think.
• 30:54
  Speaker B: Yeah, that's right. Scorpio season's coming.
• 30:56
  Speaker C: Yeah.
• 30:57
  Speaker A: I'm the old, old daddy of the bunch.
• 30:59
  Speaker C: You're a hottie.
• 31:02
  Speaker A: All right. Well, on that now. Yeah. I guess the green flag for those of you who like older, older men, if you're younger or younger men if you're older. I'm not, I'm not opposed to either. So what you would find, I guess, with me as a green flag and, yeah, as I was thinking about this, this is a hard one because what I think is for someone is a green flag that might be a red flag for somebody else. Right. So I think for me, the thing is, what you see is what you get. There's not a lot of pretense. No. Also there's a lot of sides of me, so you can't really put me in a box. You think you got me and then you're like, what? Who is this one now? Right. And I'm going to put that as a green flag as well. And ive heard this from people who have dated with me, which is in a good way. Theres so much to me, it is a never ending journey of surprise and fun and I like to call that adaptable. So lets put this in the positive spin. I like to say Im adaptable so im also very domestic. Im a homebody. I love to nest, I love to cook, I love to cuddle. I mean id love to keep my home nice and tidy and cuddle in with my boo and have a nice date night for sure. I mean that's seen and I'm fine. I'm great. I love it. Then you can also take me out to your family. You can also bring me with your best friends. You could also bring me to your work party and I will just, you don't worry about me, I got it. I can slot into any situation and just adapt around me and have a great time. We'll have a great time together and also a great party about it. You want to go to a sex party, a circuit party? You want to go on vacation with me? Great. I'll dance the night away. We'll have a great time. We'll party, lots of adventures and they're all truly neat. I can do all of it. So I would say that's a green flag for some people, that's maybe too much to handle for the right person. It's a great flag. And then going back to what you guys had talked about, about communication, I just want to second that as well. I like to think I'm a great communicator as well. It's Gemini energy. And again, having done the work, I wasn't always this way, that's for sure. But I will say in my last few relationships and dating, I was the first to say I love you, the first to apologize, the first to say I was wrong. No problem. I have no problem apologizing, saying I was wrong, saying I'm sorry. Being vulnerable like that's easy for me. I'm not afraid of having hard conversation. I'm not afraid of any of that communication. I will in fact lead it. I think it's just because it's the nature of my job. Just like Matt said, how to understand people, how to have empathy, how to ask the right questions, how to give constructive feedback, how to listen, how to solve problems. Thats the other thing that my ex told me was that his number one fan was a great motivator and was very encouraging. Hes like, you are my number one fan and you always will be. Im like 100% I will always be. If im really into someone, I will be your number one fan and go to bat for you. I love that a ride or die kind of thing. Id say those ones because those are probably the two biggest ones that maybe are different, I think, than the usual.
• 33:54
  Speaker C: Those are so good.
• 33:56
  Speaker B: Oh, my.
• 33:56
  Speaker C: I was like, me too. For like, all of them. Adaptability. That one I really connected with because I forgot. That's so good. Yeah, it's so good.
• 34:05
  Speaker A: So it's that Gemini energy.
• 34:07
  Speaker B: It is Gemini energy, I was going to say. And if you're, if you're a monogamous person but you don't want to get bored, data Gemini, because you get like ten characters in one person in the bedroom as well.
• 34:19
  Speaker A: For the most part, yeah. So what group flags do we see in each other? Let's do that.
• 34:25
  Speaker B: I was energetically tuning into your guys'into you when you were sharing, and the word that came through for Reno was cozy. And even just the way you were talking, the way you're sitting, like, you look cozy. And I remember laying on the beach with you in Vancouver, and I was able to fall asleep beside you, which is unheard of. So it was a coziness about your energy that I really, really love. And for Michael, I wrote down sturdy. The word sturdy came through. Like, you're sturdy. Like, you're just like. And I even remember when I first met you. I think I've already shared this before, but I'll share it again when I first met you, because we didn't meet for almost three years before we, and we had been associating, but I'd never seen your stature and the way you are. And when we met and we walked up to each other and we hugged, I remember feeling sturdy. There's a sturdiness about your energy.
• 35:11
  Speaker A: Oh, I love that. Thank you. We're going to add that to our green flags. Cozy and sturdy. I like these one words. Karina, what are your one word? Green flags.
• 35:20
  Speaker C: Okay, so for Matt, I don't know how to say this, but, like, I trust you. There's just, like, a lot of trust there. I know you'll keep it real. I know you're super loyal to, like, the people you love. There's something there. Like, something very trustworthy. I wouldn't say that's a green flag. Definitely.
• 35:40
  Speaker B: My ears rang when you said the word loyal. It's really interesting.
• 35:43
  Speaker C: Yeah, yeah, I think that. And, I mean, I don't want to steal mats, but, like, there are two things for you, Michael, and one of them might sound really silly, but the first one is like, yeah, there's like, a stability about you. There's a stability about you. That, I think is just really. Yeah. Very much a green flag. Very much a green flag. And to the point where it's actually, like, for me, it's kind of intimidating. I got to be honest, when you speak to your stability and how much you value it, because I'm such a flowy person, it's kind of edgy. I'm like, oh, shit, I might mess up your world, you know? I don't know. I don't know. But the other one, and this is kind of maybe a silly green flag, but you're just, like, sexy, you know? Like, you just exude sexiness. It's great.
• 36:32
  Speaker A: Thank you. And that's so funny because that's what I was going to say for yours.
• 36:36
  Speaker B: Sexy.
• 36:37
  Speaker A: Sexy.
• 36:38
  Speaker C: Yeah.
• 36:39
  Speaker A: Like, sensual, right? Like, I think really sensuality. I've said it before, like, the way you flow, the way you move in the world is just very confident and slow in a good way that I'm attracted to because, like I said, sometimes I get a bit too fast. And, like, what I was saying about the guy that I'm dating, like, I feel like you would slow me down. So that's sensual. It's more of a sensual than a sex. It gets more sensual energy.
• 37:04
  Speaker C: Well, thank you. That was fun.
• 37:06
  Speaker A: Yeah. Well, I have to do Matt still, or Matt. And I want to try to go with one that hasn't been said, which is hard because we've said a lot. But I would say what I was going to say was a good communicator. But you already said that. So I want to try to go a little bit deeper than that. And I would say further to the good communicator. Matt makes me feel very safe. Like, I feel like I can be my authentic self with him. And it's going to be totally nothing. In good hands. Cool. A safety.
• 37:33
  Speaker B: I like that.
• 37:34
  Speaker C: Totally. I would almost say, like, you. Almost even, like, I don't want to say demand it, but there's something about your energy that, like, it just holds it forth, you know, like, you almost have to be.
• 37:47
  Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, cool. Yeah, I like that.
• 37:49
  Speaker A: Yeah, that was a fun little exercise.
• 37:52
  Speaker C: Yeah, yeah.
• 37:53
  Speaker B: Do it with your friends, folks. It's fun. It feels good.
• 37:56
  Speaker A: Yeah. Get that feedback. It's always nice. All right, but enough about us. Let's hear from our audience. So listen, guys, we are still curious to know what your green flags are. So bring those into the comments. Group green flags do you bring into dating? And, you know, we'll be watching, we'll be seeing, we'll be responding to your comments in YouTube. And if you like these topics of red and green flags, the last two episodes redding green flags and dating, then you would get a lot of value from our coaching collection, which includes our two full courses, healing your shame and especially building better relationships for this topic. And we also have 45 coaching videos. Specifically, though, if you're really into the green flags, red flags and dating, we have an entire relationships section within that coaching library, and the relationships category has 23 videos. They're about 20 to 30 minutes each, and some of them include things like attachment styles, emotional intelligence, how to set boundaries, and communication skills. These are all green flags that we just talked about. If you feel like you want to brush up on some of these green flags, head over to gamemengoingdeeper.com and check out the coaching collection. Once you're in, you have lifetime access. All right, so for our final question of the day, how do you differentiate between a green flag and someone who just wants to make a good impression? Because there are some sneaky people out there who do a really good job of reeling you in, and then they do the bait and switch. And I'm like, what? Who's this now?
• 39:16
  Speaker B: So how do we determine this question? This one really got me. This has been my dating world. Honestly, it is so agonizing. And I'm just like, why do I, so I, what shows up is availability. And then as soon as things start to get to a certain point, it's like bait and switch. Like they're, and then, oh, guess what? I'm avoidant. I'm like, why another one? Why do I keep attracting avoidant men? I'm doing an episode on that. Soon I'm gonna, I'm trying to conjure up somebody that wants to have that conversation that also attracts a lot of avoidant people because it's annoying. But yes, people pleasing. This is what I call that. It's like the bait and switch. Is people pleasing. Like, I'm going to my, how do I deal with this? I develop, no, before. I develop trust, pacing. Slow down. Because someone can only hold up the mask of people pleasing for so long. So I don't commit to somebody before. Like, I don't put a time on it, but it's usually around a three month mark. That's when people, the honeymoon phase is over. People can't hold it together anymore. Their authentic self has to be revealed. And this is why, like, a green flight for me is somebody that can be vulnerable and reveal themselves, like, right away. Like, let's just show each other who we are. So yes, how do I differentiate? It's really hard to do. I'm an empath and it can still even be really hard to do. So for people that aren't empaths, I'm sure it's even harder. Um, so time, this just takes time. So I notice people's consistency over time. Are they consistent? I'm always looking for indiscrepancies. Again, the good thing about having a disorganized attachment or fearful avoidant is I am hyper vigilant to discrepancies. I get suspicious of people if they say one thing and they do another. So I see these things very clearly and it allows me to be like, nope, this is not a good person. Theres a shadow side to that too. Sometimes people can be like you, Michael. They can dance in both worlds. Right. But I have to be able to say, are those the two worlds that I feel comfortable with that my partner or my potential partner dancing in? You know, so I don't want to label somebody as a hypocrite right away without kind of doing a bit of, you know, digging and these sorts of things because I understand versatility is a thing and flexibility is a thing and adaptability and all these things. So yes, time friends, that's the only way to discern if somebody's presenting authentically or if they're just putting forth a front.
• 41:33
  Speaker A: All right, Reno, how about you? How do you differentiate between a green flag?
• 41:35
  Speaker C: Yeah, I mean, true to form, it's just such an intuitive process for me. You know, like I'm really, I think what it is, is I'm tuning into the person and I'm tuning into the experience and I'm really feeling what's there and you know, and I think Matt's actually, in my experience like really good at this as well. I can feel when someone's incongruent or like out of integrity or you know, they're kind of bsing me. My b's tracker, its very precise. And I would say that comes from growing up in environments where things werent always as they seemed and really having to become incredibly discerning. So it ended up being a gift because now I can just spot bullshit immediately. And sometimes people dont know that theyre doing it or they think that its what they need to do. And so im also really encouraging people when I notice that theres maybe some incongruence or just some whatever ill sort of gently guide the conversation and the connection into a more authentic space because Im not interested in you being who you think I want you to be or who you think you need to be? I want to know who you are. And theres one more thing I want to say on that note, which is over the years I have evolved in such a way that I used to be very, and I say this with compassion, I used to be very sort of desperate to be chosen, to be picked. And because Im adaptable, I would sometimes change myself in a way to be appealing to somebody else. And as time has gone on, what ive realized is that thats not sustainable. And its also Im not interested in fitting myself into some sort of false box. Right. To be with someone who isnt actually a match for me. I want you to, those of you listening to consider that there might actually be someone whos the perfect match for you, who loves all your green flags and some of those red ones that youre working on. And you're just like the perfect fit for each other. Like that person exists, you know, and the more you you are, the more inclined they are to find you, you know, and to fit in. So keep that in mind as you're out dating and exploring.
• 44:10
  Speaker B: Yeah. When you own who you are, you attract who you need. I have that written on my, my YouTube quote, banner thingy or whatever.
• 44:18
  Speaker C: Yeah.
• 44:19
  Speaker A: Reno, what you said reminded me of, again, guy that I'm dating. I hope he's listening to this episode. One of our first dates, I had already known I was attracted to him. Like, check for sure, easy. But I was more curious about like, okay, I kind of wanted to know, like all the red flags, like what you had just said is love all the green flags and some of the red ones that you're working on. That's the part that I'm like so curious about when I'm dating someone, I'm like, yeah, okay, let's get to the stuff that I'm signing up for that's going to like, the real stuff. Like tell me, tell me what your red flags are. I want to figure that out. What are you insecure about? What are you afraid of? How do you communicate? Like, tell me about your childhood. Like, I was just in such a. So curious to get to that stuff. So we even had one of our dates, like a, you know, like a 20 questions kind of thing where I'd answer one and you'd answer one and they were pretty vulnerable and they got increasingly more personal. And that was probably one of my, like, I was so attracted to him after that. Like, I was already attracted physically. And after we shared that, it was so powerful. And I'm like, I want to know this stuff. Because again, if I'm signing up for this, rather know it now than ahead of time, and I can work with it, I can deal with it.
• 45:22
  Speaker C: Well, I love that. I love that so much. Yeah.
• 45:25
  Speaker A: Great date idea. For those of you who are into.
• 45:27
  Speaker B: This kind of thing, that's foreplay for a demisexual.
• 45:31
  Speaker C: Exactly.
• 45:33
  Speaker A: All right, so how do I differentiate? So, consistency is what I look for. And then the old adage that I love, actions speak louder than words. So consistency. And don't forget a lot of these green flags. Like, it's one thing if they show up just with me, but if they start showing up with how I see them interact with their friends or their family or even just the guy on the phone or like people walking down the street, if I see that he interacts with me in that way and he interacts with the whole world in that way, then I know that it's not just a charade, it's legit. And so how he shows up in everyday gestures for me is like, okay, this is a real thing. This is how he actually is. So going back to reliability, sure, he can show up on time with me, fine. But if im also seeing the way he interacts, like, oh, I dont want to be late for work or I have to show up for my friend who I told I was going to help him move on this day, just the way he keeps his commitments. Again, not just with me, but with the world. People will try to put on their best foot forward with you, but then once they go hang out with their friends or whatever, then theyre back to being their old shady selves. I kind of see, I kind of watch that, right? How they talk to their friends, even really important to me. So, yeah, consistency. And watching those actions because they do speak louder than words.
• 46:47
  Speaker B: You just brought up, like, my relationship, my biggest relationship fear, which is like, that somebody that's like, up front to me, like they just show this and then behind my back or to their friends, they're this like, dark, shady hiding shit from me. Like, it's just like, ugh, yucky.
• 47:03
  Speaker A: Yeah, even my. So even with our family or something, like, even if you don't get along with your family, that's fine, but, like, the way you talk about them, the way you talk about other people for me is. I'm watching that, too.
• 47:14
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 47:14
  Speaker C: I want to say thank you for saying that's foreplay for a demisexual. I want to, like, I got to write that down. That's, like, a tweetable moment. It's a tweetable moment. I love that because I was like, yes, 100%. Yeah.
• 47:28
  Speaker B: If you have those 20 questions, Michael, drop them in the show notes so we can use them.
• 47:33
  Speaker A: That would be great. You know what's the best part about it was he's the one who found them. It wasn't even me. Okay.
• 47:39
  Speaker C: Who is this? Good.
• 47:40
  Speaker A: All right.
• 47:41
  Speaker B: I know you guys both, like, you got someone, like, some fish on the hook here, like, to keep these guys. They sound good.
• 47:48
  Speaker C: Yeah.
• 47:49
  Speaker A: To be determined. We'll see how it goes. Keep listening. Well, you know how it goes.
• 47:56
  Speaker B: I want to share one thing. Actually, I wasn't going to say it, but I will. And this is impact from you, Rena, what you're sharing today is, like, bringing up stuff for me, which is fantastic. But you said something about, I'll just read what I wrote. I wrote nurturing people out of their shells and that I'm really good at, like, making people feel good to be authentic. But if for some reason in my dating world, I struggle with that. Like, I'm really good at holding space and nurturing people out in my counseling, coaching, friendships, even family, for the most part. But when it comes to dating, it's like, I want a man who can hold his own and do that. I don't want to have to nurture you out of your shell. You know what I mean? And I find, like, that. So I bring an impatience into dating, and I think what that's doing is it's repelling. I had an insight today that I need to have a balance between. Maybe I don't need to nurture them out of their shell, but can I be a better container for letting them come out, as opposed to it being. It's almost like I'm rushing because I want them to reveal themselves sooner so I can feel safe. Maybe that's the epiphany I'm having right now. And it's like, maybe I need to bring more patience.
• 48:56
  Speaker C: Well, and I'm also wondering, like, maybe you already do this, but I'm wondering if you nurturing yourself out of your shell will inspire that containment in that sort of masculine, let's say containment. But this that you shared here is really good stuff.
• 49:13
  Speaker B: Yeah. Thank you.
• 49:14
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 49:14
  Speaker B: And continuing to master my pacing because I can tend to be, like, a bah, here I am. Like, here's all the things about me. So I have to, like, learn to just, like, do it at a pace, which is good because I like, flow exploration in dating. I don't like to devote myself to one person when I'm dating because I find like, I want to do that. So if I'm dating a few people, you know, eventually I want to be with a person. I don't want to be non monogamous, but I feel like I want to. I need that time and I need like to have different avenues. Otherwise, I do want to like put all my eggs in that basket really quickly. Yeah, it's interesting. Lots of insights.
• 49:47
  Speaker A: Yeah, I'm very curious to read all the comments from this episode once it dropped.
• 49:51
  Speaker B: No, ditto.
• 49:53
  Speaker A: All right guys, thank you so much for your vulnerability. Your sharing the off the cuff little conversations we had has been really fun. Thank you to our listeners and viewers for sticking with us through this great episode on green flags. And just a reminder that this podcast and YouTube channel are listener and viewer supported. So if you enjoy what you're listening to and what we're creating here, please do support us by making a donation to the show using the link in the show notes. You could also subscribe to get early access on Apple Podcasts to listen ad free and gain access to episodes weeks before they are released live to the general public. Your support helps us to continue making content for you and supporting our community. So we thank you so, so much in advance, and we really.