Latest / All The Light She Found / Finding Joy Beyond Your Role as a Caregiver
Transcript
- Episode 2: hi friends. This is Kelly McGurk, your host of All the Light She Found. Episode 2. Welcome. I am so glad you're here, and I hope that as you're listening to this, you're feeling your best self, girl. I'm hoping that's how it's going. You feeling your best self. I'll tell you what, our episode today is gonna hit. It's gonna hit, I think, for a lot of you. I was thinking about myself. and how my role in life was to be the one that held everything together. And I never asked who was holding me. You know, I don't know if this is you two, but I've been thinking about this all. All freaking week, man. Women are amazing, like freaking seriously. Let's think about the things. We can run businesses, raise kids, take care of aging parents, remember everyone's birthday, coordinate vacations. We support our friends, show up for work, smile when we're exhausted, keep all the plates spinning. I mean, sometimes a few fell and broke, but I mean, for the most part, am I right? We keep them spinning and somehow. We'll also still apologize because we forgot to text somebody back and we'll think about how we let someone down or something ridiculous we said or somehow in a meeting we failed at something, and that's what we're gonna focus on. Can we freaking talk about that? Like the pressure that we literally put on ourselves, you know? I have always been the helper, the fixer. The one people call. And genuinely, to be honest, I'm not even saying that in a bad way. I freaking love that about myself. Like that's legit been my identity. I love loving people. I love creating community. I love bringing people together. You guys, I'm the girl at the gym who wants to high-five even women I've never met because they look so dadgum good. I'm like, girl. I can see you work on that. Like I there is no shame in my rock game. Okay. I mean, that's just who I am. But like I said, a lot of things have come to my awareness about myself over the last 18 months. And one of them is that I realize that being needed and being known are two completely different things. Some women, you, me, we all are out there and we spend decades being needed, like by everyone, you know? And I don't know that we ever feel truly seen. I don't mean that in a weird way. Like, look at me. I mean, I think if you're listening, you kind of know what I mean. Like you are out there doing all the things. You're, you know, taking care of your kids, doing school drop offs, showing up at their sporting events, whatever season you're in, you know, planning a wedding. I mean, my kid is she's a grown, amazing woman. So like, but I'm still Per person, you know, being needed literally was my identity. I'm not kidding. Like it felt good that people needed me. It kind of validated that I was good enough, I guess, because people needed me. I think that I know I did. I feel like I built identities around what I did for other people at work, at home, with friends, for My husband being a spouse and showing up for him as a, you know, a partner with his career. And I mean, I love being a mama and I love being a therapist. I shared that on the last one. daughter, I've been a really great caregiver. I'll tell you that. and then one day life changes. mine shredded. And you look around and your kids grown. And for me, my husband passed away. And suddenly, I don't know. I had to ask, who am I when nobody needs me in quite the same way? I mean, that was kind of a weird shift. It was just, yeah, it's been kind of a reckoning. I'm not gonna lie. realized that, you know, roles are something we do, and identity is who I am. And I think I got those really kind of in a messy, you know, when you used to play with Play-Doh and the colors went together and it kind of turned brown? I feel like that's where I ended up in the last 18 months. You know, I realized this year I wasn't trying to build a new life. I was trying to figure out who the heck I was outside of who I've always been. if I'm not taking care anyone, what am I doing? So I took last summer. this was kind of a big deal for me, but I took last summer and I I went to our beach house by myself. and I did that intentionally because I have amazing family and friends who support me so beautifully, and I kind of had to take myself out of that to go and be with myself and ask myself the hard questions. So I spent a lot of time. walking the beach and really reflecting and unpacking, I guess, 25, 30 years of my life. and that question of who am I if I'm not taking care of anyone became the beginning of everything that's transpired over the last 18 months. the question isn't what should I do? It's more of like, what do I actually want? I think. For me, and I know for sure in my office, many women haven't asked themselves that, truthfully. And it's almost like when we bring that up in sessions, it's like they almost feel guilty, like it's a guilty pleasure to ask what I need. And that is so crazy if you think about it. Like, if your girlfriend came to you and they said, you know, I feel like, I'm not doing enough and I'm dropping some balls. I mean, can you imagine your response being, yeah, why don't you try a little harder? Obviously, you're not working hard enough at that. Or are you gonna say, My goodness, my friend, you are doing amazing and you are just on fire, right? Like we have empathy for each other when we hear those things because we get it. It does feel like a lot. I mean, sometimes literally like the question, like, where do you want to go to lunch when you're going out with your girlfriends or dinner? And you can't think of a dang thing. You know, you're like, I don't know. I don't know. Like for me, in this season, if someone's like, hey, I was thinking about this specific place, I'm like, thank God. Like, I don't have to try to decide. It's crazy. You can tell your best friends probably what they need. You need to take care of yourself. You need to do this. You need to do that. But we have absolutely no clue what we need, nor do we take time to figure that out. I think something that's crazy is you can't build a life that feels like yours if you've forgotten to include yourself in that. That's kind of where where I find myself. When was the last time you did something simply because it brought you joy? It didn't benefit anybody else. It just brought you joy. And if you have an answer right now, go, sister, because I love that for you. The joy though has to be something not because it was productive or because someone needed you or because it checked a box or because you were gonna get a thank you, but because it truly makes you feel alive. My word of the year this year, I don't know if you guys do a word of the year, but like in January, I decided my word of the year was going to be alive. I just wanted to feel alive in myself, in my life. and one of the things that for sure I found is that joy isn't selfish. Joy is a God-given right. Find some joy, chase some joy. That's that's where I'm at. Joy tells us where we're coming alive. Like this brings me joy and I want more of it. I think when you spent years taking care of other people, It can feel uncomfortable when someone starts taking care of you. Like, I know this is so weird. And like maybe people are like, what? But maybe you're like, my God, I totally get that. But allowing yourself to be taken care of or to have someone say, what do you need? And you actually think of an answer of what you need instead of just saying, no, I'm good. I'm good, right? That has been a challenge that I'm learning about myself. And I really found that exposed when Mike was getting super sick. And I felt like I was drowning and people would say, What do you need? What do you need? And I just couldn't even answer. Like I needed a lot of things and I couldn't answer. And Now that I'm, you know, in a different season, I still struggle with feeling comfortable with asking for help or sharing something vulnerable. And that's so weird because if you know me and you're listening, there is no topic that is off limits for me, which makes other people sometimes uncomfortable. To be honest. But like literally, no topic. you can name it. I will talk about it. but vulnerability, oof. I am noticing that about myself, that it's super uncomfortable. Like poof. And I'm working on that. Remember when I said in the last session, if you didn't hear it, I want to say it again. All the light she found, one of the things in light is it exposes the holes, the gaps that need some loving. You know, I'm not gonna say that they're broken or they're a problem. I'm just gonna say they've been unmet needs for sure. And asking for help and being vulnerable and allowing myself to be in relationship with people who are actually available to give and want to, and not having someone do something for you where I'm automatically deciding what I can do back because I got to pay you back. So I don't want it to be uneven. I mean, this is me. I'm just speaking my truth here, girls. So if you identify, know that I am here with you. Receiving love can feel harder than giving it. It does for me. it's so weird. I've really found this about myself in the last year. I am so, so blessed with having so many people in my life that are so loving and kind. My family and my friends, my clients, for goodness sakes, my co-workers, my employees, my just loving. I am just surrounded by love. Forget my trainer at the gym. I mean, I am surrounded by love. And people will write cards to me that make me cry and tell me how grateful they are for me. And I'll read it and it makes me cry, but then I'm like, okay, thank you. Moving on. I don't think I allow myself to internalize that feeling of worth, right? Now, worth doesn't come from others. I know that for sure, but I this is my problem. This is why I'm saying you could have a ton of people around you who are just feeding your your love tank. And if you can't accept that, then your tank's still empty. You know? So it doesn't mean we're broken. It just means it's unfamiliar territory. If you're a person who is a doer and a giver. And a productive hound, and you're just out there trying to make the world a better place and trying to make your family's life good and and you know, be a good friend. it can feel unfamiliar to receive love like in a way where you actually feel it to your core. just are like, ooh, I got that. I do something called EMDR therapy, and so when we're trying to process out. trauma or hurt. Then there's a part where we install like a good feeling where there's a positive cognition. There's something instead of saying my feelings don't matter, my feelings matter. And so we install that. And it's a slow tap. You just kind of tap real slow and just go, my feelings do matter or I am important or I am good enough. whatever we need to give back. And it's such a beautiful part of a session is to heal something that was hard and then turn around and install something that's super good and positive. And and I think we needed to do a piece of that all the time. Like if someone says to you like, you know, you bring me joy or I'm so grateful for just install that you are good, you know? And just take a minute and kind of just let yourself feel that. Instead of going, okay, yeah, next, what do I need to get done next? Who do I need to do this for next? You know? the five love languages, when you think about them, you've got acts of service, you've got gifts, you've got quality time, you've got physical touch and words of affirmation. And those aren't just how we love, but they're how we would like to receive love as well. And I don't know if you've ever thought about that, because if you're a doer, if you're an act of service girl or you're a Words of affirmation, you're just spreading love like some kind of hype sister out there. You need that in return, you know? And and so keep that in mind that if you're in relationships that don't feed you in that way, maybe ask for that for yourself. Because I think we forget that. We need all those things too. I don't think that the goal is to stop doing or loving on people so hard. I know that's not my goal. That's for dang sure. Because we ask everybody, how are you doing? How are you doing? I think the challenge is that we just don't disappear while we're doing it. You know? Like do all the things. Love on all the people. Make sure they're seen. Do you. But just don't disappear in that. Like make sure that you feel seen too. Make sure that you're getting your cup filled. Make sure that you're installing your worth. into yourself and reminding yourself of that because it's so important. So I just wonder for you, did you find a little light this week? Did you find little moments of sparks of joy where you remembered to go, my gosh, that was awesome. Maybe it was an interaction at your Starbucks drive-thru. That would be me. maybe it was that your doggies made you just so happy. Maybe it was that a person in your life just brought you so much joy. Maybe it was that sunset we were talking about. I don't know. But I just think if we notice more of the little sparks of joy, it can make some little changes for us. So you guys, this has been awesome. I just hope this week, remember, chase joy and love all over yourself, sister. Cause that's where you're gonna find healing. I'm Kelly and this is all the light she found.