Latest / Confident and Empowered Women / You Can Love Them Without Carrying Them | EP 337

Transcript

You Can Love Them Without Carrying Them | EP 337 · Confident and Empowered Women

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You can love somebody with your whole heart and still let their life belong to them.
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And yes, that includes but is not limited to their choices, their emotions, consequences, their healing, their growth.
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Loving them does not automatically make any of that yours to manage.
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And yet, you still find yourself volunteering for stuff that ain't even yours in the slightest.
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Just because you have capacity doesn't make it yours to carry.
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And who are you when nobody needs you?
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And, uh, oop, yes, I did just ask you that.
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And I'll give you a moment to get yourself together because we are going there.
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So before you pick up one more thing, friend, check the tag.
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That may not even be your bag, especially since you have your own life that needs your undivided attention and care.
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So who do you get to be when you aren't carrying everything?
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Ooh, let's get into it And make sure you're following the show so you don't miss a thing, because around here, we talk about real life, what it teaches us, and how to stay connected to ourselves through all of
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it.
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So if you like a little laughter with your life-changing conversations, Go ahead and hit that subscribe button.
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You are not doing this solo.
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We're in this thing together, okay?
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Now let's get back to you Hey, hey, hey.
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Listen, I have been thinking about how quickly some of us pick up a problem that doesn't even belong to us, and I repeat, does not belong to us.
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And I say us because this used to be my ministry.
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Somebody you love calls you with a problem and they haven't even finished the story yet.
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They're still in the middle of breaking it down and hit you with the, "So then he said," and you are already like, "Okay, here's what we're gonna do."
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We, friend.
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Who is we?
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You've taken emotional possession of this entire situation, and your government name isn't even on the paperwork.
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Now you're thinking about it in the shower, while you're driving, replaying what they said while you're making dinner.
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You on Google, you done popped it in the chat.
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Listen, you got options.
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You've researched three solid alternatives.
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You've drafted the text they should send.
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You even thought through what happens if option A don't work.
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Meanwhile, the person with the actual problem is asleep.
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Just…resting.
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Getting that good REM sleep.
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Probably dreaming with that little bit of drool sliding down 🤤 And you’re staring at the ceiling at 1:37 am trying to solve a life that ain’t yours to stand for on judgement day.
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Ma’am.
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It's like we're at baggage claim pulling every suitcase off of the carousel without checking the tag.
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That one belongs to your child.
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This one belongs to your boo thing.
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Even that cute little carry-on belongs to your sister.
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And that large black suitcase, you know the one with the broken wheel and the duct tape around the side?
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That belongs to your friend who has made the same decision four times this week.
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And here you come with the, "Oh, no, I got it."
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Uh, no, you don't.
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Put that down and check the tag.
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Because one of the things I have had to practice, and I really do mean practice, is knowing what is for me and what is not for me.
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This has become such an important check-in and I wanna emphasize check-in because I didn't have one beautiful revelation on a Thursday afternoon and suddenly never carried anything that wasn't mine again.
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Girl, please.
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I have to keep coming back to this regularly, especially as a mom.
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Because when your child tells you something is happening in their life, that mama part of you can go from listening to strategic planning in approximately 2.7 seconds.
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they say, "I'm thinking about..."
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And before they finish, you have seen the beginning, middle, end, sequel, and the Netflix limited series.
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Because listen, I have lived some life.
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I can see the pothole from here, and there are moments when I wanna say, "Baby, listen, I have already visited Foolishness USA.
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I know the local customs.
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I done ate at the restaurants.
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I bought the T-shirt, okay?
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I can tell you exactly how this ends."
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And even with the best of advice, sometimes they still have to go and learn for themselves.
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This is what I had to come to grips with, knowing where somebody's choice might lead does not make the choice mine.
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That has been one of the biggest lessons for me, okay?
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I can know and still not own.
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I can see something, share what I see, offer the wisdom.
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I can tell you what happened when I did something similar, and then I have to let your life belong to you.
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So I have learned to ask myself What is actually mine here?
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My love is mine.
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What I say belongs to me.
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The wisdom I choose to share is mine.
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My boundaries, capacity, my response, all of it's mine.
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But their decision, their lesson, their timeline, their feelings about the outcome, all theirs.
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And this is where staying connected to yourself matters so much because when you don't check in with yourself, you don't even notice the moment you cross the line between I love you and apparently I work here now.
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Listen, your pickup game is strong because it happens automatically.
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this is why I've had to practice asking, "Is this for me?
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What part of this is actually mine?
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What did I just pick up because I'm used to picking things up?"
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Because friend, you can get halfway home from baggage claim with six suitcases before even realizing, "Now wait a minute, I packed a weekender.
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Why is there a set of golf clubs in my trunk?"
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Friend, you gotta check that tag.
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And listen, I have a sneaky suspicion there's a high probability you're sitting there saying, "But I'm just helping."
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Okay, you might be, And let's call this blessing exactly what it is, because helping is beautiful.
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We all need help sometimes.
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Sometimes you have information somebody else doesn't have.
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You have the resources.
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You could genuinely have the capacity to make something easier for someone you love, and sometimes somebody just needs to have someone beside them while life is doing its thing.
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That's community.
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That's love.
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And at the same time, friend, helping and taking over can look like twinsies.
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You gotta look closely because helping says, "I'm here while you figure this out," but taking over says, "Move over, Sizzlean.
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I got it."
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Helping can ask, "What would be helpful?"
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Taking over says, "I already handled it."
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Helping leaves them connected to their own life Meanwhile, taking over makes you the project manager of something you didn't even apply for.
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And then comes the part I know very well.
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You do it, completely handle it, fix it, and then you mad.
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Why does everybody always expect me to do everything?
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Friend, because you've been out here with your cape blowing in the wind like Olivia Pope just cracked the case.
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It's handled.
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Meanwhile, you taught everybody the procedure.
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Problems happen, call you.
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You fix it, they move on.
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You, on the other hand, get exhausted.
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Then you wonder why they aren't taking more responsibility, and sometimes the uncomfortable answer is because we keep grabbing the responsibility before they can.
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Ooh, friend.
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And I have to ask this myself with my children because am I helping them handle their lives or am I handling their lives?
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Because I don't only want them to make good decisions, I want them to know for themselves whatever happens, I can trust myself to respond, And they can't build that trust muscle if mama keeps intercepting every package before it
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gets to the porch.
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Sometimes they need a receipt.
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They need to be able to say, "I made that choice.
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I dealt with what happened.
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I learned something.
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I adjusted, and I figured it out.
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I can trust myself."
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Those receipts matter.
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And yes, every motherly cell in my body could occasionally prefer they simply accept my receipt as transferable proof.
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Like, listen, I have already learned this lesson 10 times over.
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Why must we purchase another copy?
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But apparently that's not how this works.
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Now, let me speak to the part of you that's rejecting this very idea as we speak.
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I can just see you now nodding along, but there's a part of you that's already giving me the side eye.
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Sometimes we don't step in because we're controlling.
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Sometimes we step in because we know these people.
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You already know.
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If she doesn't handle this, guess who she's gonna call?
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If this goes left, guess whose house it's coming to?
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If they don't take care of this now, somehow this is gonna end up right smack dab in the middle of my weekend agenda, and it's my first free weekend, so I'm not trying to hear none of that.
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So if you're thinking, "I might as well do it now," listen, I understand the math, okay?
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Why watch the shopping cart roll across the parking lot where you already know it's headed directly for your car?
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Let me just go get it.
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But here's what I've had to realize If I manage somebody else's life because I'm afraid of what their choices may eventually require of me, I'm still managing somebody else's life.
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The answer isn't always to prevent the consequences.
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Sometimes the answer is just deciding, what will I do if the consequences reach me?
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That's different because now I'm back in my lane.
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What will I participate in?
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What am I available for?
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What can I give without abandoning myself?
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What am I not willing to take on?
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Maybe it's something like, "I can help you think through your options, but the decision is yours.
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I love you, and I'm available to listen, but I can't fix this for you.
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I can help with this part, but the rest of this belongs to you."
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Or maybe it is simply, "I know you can figure this out."
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And then you let them do it their way.
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Oof.
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Listen, clutch yo pearls, friend.
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I know, I know, but before you rebuke this idea, hear me out.
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Because low-key, you're arguing with yourself.
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"I could do it faster."
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Your way makes more sense to you.
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And even when you can already see where this is going, faster isn't always better, and preventing every consequence isn't always helping.
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Sometimes the consequence is the teacher, and not all consequences are bad.
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I know.
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We'd much rather package our own wisdom into a cute little gift bag with tissue paper and a card with step-by-step instructions and have everybody we love open it and say, "OMG, thank you.
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I'll immediately change my behavior.
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Apparently, life can choose whatever distribution model it wants without your approval.
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And friend, their feelings aren't on your agenda either.
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Sometimes the heaviest thing we're carrying is somebody else's feelings.
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You made a decision, they're disappointed.
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Now you're reconsidering.
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The decision feels right to you, but they don't like it.
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Somebody's upset, And suddenly you're searching for the magical sentence that will make them happy again.
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Somebody's angry with somebody else, and somehow You've been promoted to mediator, spokesperson, translator, legal counsel, and director of emotional affairs.
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You weren't even there.
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How did you get this job?
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Their feelings can matter to you without becoming your responsibility.
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Lean in right here, friend, because I think sometimes we hear, "Don't carry their emotions and translate that into you don't care.
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No, you care deeply.
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You can sit beside someone while they hurt.
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You can listen, hug them and say, "I understand why you feel that way," and still not make it your job to make their feeling disappear, especially when their feeling is about a choice you needed to make for yourself.
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Somebody else's discomfort is not automatic evidence that you've done something wrong or made the wrong choice.
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This is another place where I really gotta check myself.
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What am I feeling?
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And what are they feeling?
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Am I supporting them through their emotion, or have I absorbed it and started carrying it as mine?
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Compassion doesn't require you to climb into the emotional well with somebody, Because now both of y'all are down there looking at each other like, "You got the rope?"
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"Uh, no.
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That's why one of us was supposed to stay up there."
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And this one goes deeper because if we're really honest, we're not only invested in somebody else's healing because we want good things for them, we're invested because their healing feels like it would finally solve something for us.
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If they heal, maybe they'll stop hurting me or finally show up the way I need them to.
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Maybe they'll communicate differently, stop making the same choices.
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If they heal, maybe this relationship can finally become what I've been waiting for it to become Ooh, friend, that hits different because now their healing isn't just their journey anymore.
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It has quietly become the condition of your peace.
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You're waiting on them to be different so you can finally feel different, and that can keep you stuck for a really long time because you can understand exactly why somebody is the way they are.
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You may know their childhood, where their fear comes from, why they shut down, lash out, or why they avoid certain things at all cost you might even know why they keep choosing the things that keep hurting them.
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You can understand all of it and still be hurt by what they are doing today.
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Understanding someone's wounds doesn't require you to keep volunteering to be injured.
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And this is where a lot of us get caught up.
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We become so focused on who somebody could be if they healed that we stop dealing with who they actually are right now.
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We start relating to their potential, their future self, their healed self, their one day self.
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And listen, Casper the Friendly Ghost is not real and neither is their potential.
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Because meanwhile, the version standing in front of us is the one making the choices we actually have to live with.
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And listen, potential does not get voting rights in your present life.
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You have to make decisions based on what is happening now, not who you hope they become, who you know they could be, or who they promised you they were working to become.
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Who are they today?
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How does this relationship feel today?
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What is this behavior costing you right now?
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Because sometimes the hardest thing isn't accepting that they need healing.
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It's accepting that you cannot make their healing the prerequisite for your next move.
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And I say this with so much love.
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You may have to choose yourself before they change.
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You may have to create distance before they understand.
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Stop explaining before they agree, and stop waiting for the breakthrough you keep hoping will finally make everything make sense.
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That alone can bring up grief because sometimes putting down what isn't yours means grieving the version of the relationship you thought you were going to have, and that's real.
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You can love who they are or who you know they could become and still say, "I can't build my life around the possibility of who you might be one day."
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This isn't punishment or even giving up.
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That is you dealing with the reality instead of possibility, and this is where that line really matters.
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Let people be who they are so you can be who you are.
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Because when you stop trying to manage their healing, you finally get to ask a different question.
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The question that keeps you stuck and circling the same situation is, how do I get them to change?
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But the question that keeps you in your power, what does who they are right now require of me to choose myself?
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Yes, friend.
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Now we're back.
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Back to your peace, boundaries, capacity, your truth, your life.
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They get to decide whether they heal.
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And you get to decide what you do with who they are in the meantime.
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Now here's the one that might tap you on your shoulder even when you try to ignore it.
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When you're fully in fix-it mode, everybody else's problems are a very convenient place to hide from your own because their problem, ooh, yes, now we've got action items, okay?
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You can research, make a call, send an email, create a spreadsheet, give advice, follow up tomorrow, and can feel productive about it, useful, needed.
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Meanwhile, your own life is sitting quietly in the corner like, "Hey, when you get a minute."
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But then you hit it with the Martin Lawrence, "Nope, I gotta go.
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See you when I see you."
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It's giving very booked and busy helping everybody else.
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Meanwhile, your own life just might be asking you, what do you want?
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what have you been avoiding?
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What's not working anymore?
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What are you afraid to admit?
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What decision keeps coming back around?
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What do you need?
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Woo-wee, look at the time.
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Then you're like, "Oh, let me call my friend and make sure she took my advice."
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Because when you're constantly needed, you never have to ask what you need.
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When you're always looking at everybody else's life, you don't have to look too closely at yours.
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And low-key, fixing isn't just something we do, it's who we've learned to be, which means putting the bag down doesn't only raise the question, what will happen to them?
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It raises another question, who am I if I'm not the one fixing everything?
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Because being needed can feel so good.
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Those dopamine hits, the pathways in your brain lighting up, got you giving Pharrell vibes, got you out here singing "Happy."
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Okay?
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Because listen, you are dependable.
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The one people call when it goes down for real.
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You are the one who knows what to do, and when you don't, you still figure it out.
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And there's nothing wrong with being dependable.
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Listen, I love being somebody the people I love can count on, and at the same time, I don't want my value to depend on whether somebody needs something from me or not.
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Those are two different things Because what happens when I don't have the answer?
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How Sway?
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What happens when I don't have capacity and I have to say no?
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What happens when somebody has to struggle and I choose not to rescue them?
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Who am I then?
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Ooh, now that is the question.
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When you've been the fixer for so long, you may not even know where the fixing ends and you begin.
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Nobody needs advice.
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No one has an emergency.
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Nobody is waiting for you to save the day.
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And now you're standing there like, Okay, what do I do with me?
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Can I sit down without looking for something to handle?
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Can somebody tell me what they're going through without me turning into Olivia Pope in her pristine white coat before they even finish a sentence?
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Can I let them struggle without their struggle meaning I'm failing them?
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Ooh, now that one right there, ooh, that can get you Which leads to even more questions we'd rather not answer.
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If I don't do something, am I still a good mother, a good wife, a good friend, a good daughter, a good person?
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Friend, the answer is yes.
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Your goodness is not a punch card.
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This is not 10 rescues and you get a free good person badge.
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You don't have to run yourself into the ground to prove that you care, and somebody being disappointed by your no doesn't magically turn their situation into your responsibility.
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Being needed can feel like being loved, but they are not the same thing Some of us learn to recognize love by how often people reached out to us.
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They called, we came.
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They needed, we handled it.
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They fell apart, we held it together.
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So when we stop running, we start wondering, "Will they still love me if I'm not always useful?
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Will I still matter if I don't save the day?
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Will there still be room for me if all I bring is me?"
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That's what's underneath all the doing And I don't want the only version of me that feels valuable to be the version that's exhausted from doing things for everybody.
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I need room in my relationships for the version of me who says, "I can't today.
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I don't know," to still be okay when you say, "I know you'll figure this out," or not have to justify yourself when you say, "I have something in my own life that needs attention."
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And friend, give yourself permission to be this for you first.
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Let yourself not have the answer.
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Let them figure some things out, okay?
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Let that phone ring while you decide whether you actually have the capacity to answer And do it without guilt.
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And you know what?
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Even if there is some guilt, that's okay too, okay?
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You can feel guilty and still say no.
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Sometimes we're waiting for guilt to evacuate the premises in order for us to say no and not feel some type of way about it.
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Guilt just may have to be your plus one this time, okay?
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You can hold guilt and grace for yourself in the same hand.
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You can love them and still leave that bag sitting right there with their name on it.
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And maybe nobody needing to be rescued doesn't mean you're no longer needed.
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Maybe it means there's finally enough quiet for you to hear what you need.
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Maybe it means you've done your job, fulfilled your obligation, and now there is room for you to be here for you now Who are you when no one needs you?
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You are still a person with ideas, needs, desires, dreams, and complexities that can't be summed up with just one word or riddled inside of everything you do for everybody else.
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Who are you when no one needs you?
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That is the question that only you can answer And this is where capacity comes in because even when helping does feel right, I still gotta check with myself before I say yes.
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Do I actually have the capacity?
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It isn't a question of could I technically make it work?
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Okay, friend, listen, that is a dangerous question for capable women because technically we can make anything fit and look fly while doing it, okay?
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Move this, cancel that, stay up later with under eye patches on and everything.
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High key, we be ready to risk it all, okay?
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Spend the money we set aside, skip the thing we needed, push through.
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Squeeze one more suitcase in the car.
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See?
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It fits.
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Girl.
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Listen, the rear view mirror is blocked.
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The tire pressure light is on.
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Somebody has luggage in their lap, and the car is leaning slightly to the left, but yes, technically it still fits.
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But now friend, that's exceeded capacity.
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Capacity isn't only can I carry it?
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It's what will carrying it cost me?
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Will helping them mean abandoning something you need?
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Will you resent this tomorrow?
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Are you saying yes because you want to, or because you're scared of what they'll think if you don't?
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Are you helping from love, out of habit, guilt, or fear?
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That's the check-in.
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Because sometimes you absolutely have the capacity and want to help.
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That's great.
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Pick up the bag, put it in the car, and let's go But when you don't, I want you to know that too, because being connected to yourself means you don't find out you were over capacity after the fact
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when you're already resentful, exhausted, and mad at everybody, okay?
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You include yourself in the decision.
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This is where it can get hard because carrying can feel like love.
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So putting something down can feel like the opposite, like you're leaving somebody or watching them struggle when you could help, like you're saving yourself at their expense.
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But friend, I want you to hear me with your whole heart when I say this.
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You are allowed to save yourself.
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You do not have to be everybody's savior.
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Ooh, friend, let's say it again and again, but this time let's put a little extra on it, okay?
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Not only do you not have to be everybody's savior, but you are not the savior.
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Listen, I know we love trying to do God's job, don't we?
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But what a relief that job has already been filled and we get to be human And putting the bag down doesn't mean you sling it across the room like, "Here, handle your life."
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No.
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You return it with love.
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This belongs to you.
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I believe you can handle it.
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Hey, I'm here in the ways I genuinely have capacity to be here, and I'm not gonna take this from you because sometimes carrying somebody else's life doesn't only cost you, it costs them.
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It costs them practice building strength and resilience.
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It costs them evidence that they can count on themselves It costs them the opportunity to learn.
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I can hear myself decide and make a mistake.
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I can deal with what happens next or change course.
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I can survive disappointment.
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I can learn and trust myself, And isn't that what we want for the people we love?
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Not a life where nothing difficult ever happens, but a relationship with themselves strong enough to know what happens, I will be there for myself.
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So let their life build their relationship with themselves.
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And while they're doing that, come back to yours Ooh, friend, if you are listening and thinking, "Okay, I know there's something in me, but I don't quite know what it is yet," This is exactly where the Main Character
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Energy Journal Prompts can support you.
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Because sometimes you don't need somebody else giving you another answer.
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You need better questions, a quiet minute, a blank page, and enough space to hear yourself.
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The prompts are designed to help you get back in a conversation with yourself, what you want, what you believe, what you're ready for, and what you're ready to leave behind.
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And even more importantly, who you want to be in your own life.
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They're linked down for you in the show notes so you can grab yours.
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Because friend, your greatest strategy is always self Okay, friend, now it's time for our favorite, our self-love two-step with the remix, and it's very simple.
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We're checking the tag and choosing our part.
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Step one, check the tag.
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Think about one thing you've been carrying lately.
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Maybe it's somebody's decision, their relationship, finances, feelings, their healing, their consequences, even their next move.
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Ask yourself, what part of this is actually mine?
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Your feelings, your words, your boundaries, your capacity, your choice about how you participate, all of that is yours.
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And their choice?
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Not yours.
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Their reaction, their healing, their lessons, none of it is yours.
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Their timeline is not yours.
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Shoot, we don't even have control over our own timelines, okay?
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So separate the luggage.
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And step two, choose your part.
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Now that you know what's yours, decide what you're genuinely available for.
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Maybe you can listen, tell them what you see, help with this one thing, or point them towards a resource.
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You can love them through it or simply say, "I trust you to handle this."
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Your part does not have to be all of it, okay?
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Choose your part before habit kicks in, before guilt or fear chooses it for you.
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And here's your you step, and it's special.
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Before you automatically pick up the next problem somebody brings you, pause and ask, "Is this mine?
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What part is mine?
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Do I have the capacity for the part I'm considering taking?"
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And then I want you to put one thing down, just one.
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Stop doing the research nobody asked you to do.
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Don't send the reminder or make the phone call.
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You don't have to chase down the answer or manage their reaction.
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Don't intercept the consequence.
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Give one thing back to the person whose name is on the tag, not out of anger or with an attitude, just, "This isn't mine," and leave it in baggage claim Ooh, friend.
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Now let me pour into you, okay?
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Listen, I say this so gently.
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Hear me with your whole heart when I say you can love people without living their lives for them.
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You can care about what happens without taking full responsibility for everything that happens.
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You can be an incredible mother, wife, partner, sister, daughter, friend, and human being without preventing every mistake, managing every emotion, and carrying every single consequence and outcome.
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We are all on our own journey, and the people we love, they need room to have theirs.
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They need room to hear themselves, to choose, to get some things right, and get some things spectacularly wrong, to learn, change, grow, heal when they're ready, and build their own relationship with themselves.
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And so do you You have a life too, your own wants, needs, your own capacity, your own lessons, decisions, and relationship with yourself, and your life deserves some of the energy you're spending managing everybody else's.
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Listen, I'm not asking you not to be there and to help when it's on your heart to do so.
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I would never ask you to stop being yourself.
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Friend, now more than ever, we need people in this world to operate from their heart, and you are so good at doing that.
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I am asking that you consider yourself first, not as an afterthought.
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So don't give yourself a hard time because you're learning how to save yourself instead of always trying to be everybody else's savior.
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You are not abandoning them.
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You are allowing them to stand on their own feet while you return to yours So before you go, friend, check in.
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Not with the person whose problem you've been thinking about for three days, not with the committee or everybody who may have an opinion.
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With you.
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What have you picked up that isn't for you?
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And maybe the bigger question, what would you have room for in your own life if you finally put it down?
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Because sometimes we're asking for more peace while carrying six bags that don't even have our name on them.
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And you don't have to stop loving anybody.
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You don't have to become cold or unavailable.
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You don't have to stand there while everybody struggles and pretend you don't care.
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Love them.
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Support them in the ways that feel right to you.
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Be there when you have the capacity.
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Just stop assuming that loving someone means you have to carry everything that belongs to them.
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Check the tag, friend Whee.
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If this episode made you think of a friend who is currently dragging six emotional suitcases through the airport, go ahead and send this to her.
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Tell her, "Friend, I love you, but I believe at least four of these bags belong to other people."
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And while we're at it, check your own cart, okay?
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Because one of these bags might not be yours either.
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Until next time, friend, I love you so, so much.
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Keep coming back to you