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28 | Why You Feel Behind in Life After Narcissistic Abuse · The Messy Middle Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Messy Middle, the podcast for women navigating the raw, confusing, lonely aftermath of narcissistic abuse and emotional control.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Erica Leon, trauma-informed abuse recovery coach, mom of five, and creator of the six keys to unfuckwithable.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: If you're picking up the pieces, questioning everything, and trying to remember who the fuck you were before you were so carefully erased, you're in the right place.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Hello everyone, welcome back.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: This is your host, Erica Leon.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Let's dive into this episode.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Today is why you might feel you're behind in life.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: So there is a thought that comes up for a lot of people I work with at some point in this process.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not usually right away, it's usually after, as we always talk about, that messy middle part when the high octane stuff is worn off and you're alone with yourself.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: And often you're not alone if you have kids and things, but no matter how many people around you, you can still feel very lonely and very rudderless.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think a lot of people verbalize it right away.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: They have been trying a really long time to get back to where they thought they left off or where they thought they should be.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not like a big boom.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not often out loud.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's something that sits in the background and it gets louder in certain moments.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: It might be scrolling on social media because there is so much comparisonitis there, or that you're at an event, or you're talking to your friends, or someone you might be the only person in your group that has gone through something like this, and their lives just seem to be uncomplicated, or they just seem to be flying, and you feel very inept compared to that.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Or you it can be anything, really, and it just kind of lands in your body, like this dull feeling, and you might have been carrying it around for a really long time, but not quite being able to distinguish where it's coming from, because if you know from this process, there's so many of those dull aches that come with abuse and recovering from that and kind of rebuilding yourself from the ground up, and that feeling is this I'm behind feeling, but not in often a specific or measurable way, it's just like a general feeling of everyone else got somewhere and you didn't.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: And you can often even think that about your ex because largely if you're the person who's the primary caregiver of kids, for example, it does look like you do all of the things and they just get to do like they're single people, and if you know, you know, I'm sure you and that feeling can show up in all sorts of places.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: You can see someone your age and you can think, Oh, they seem settled, their career's sorted, relationships stable, they've got house, they've got kids, they've got plans, directions.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: And you might be quietly sitting there thinking, how did they get there so smoothly?
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because that has not been your experience in life.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: And your timeline has not looked like that at all.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a meandering river rather than a straight across the sea.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's had detours, it's had its share of chaos.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: My money is on that, it's had its share of chaos.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's had things that took your energy, all of it, just to survive.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: And never mind building something on top of that.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: You may have had lots of experiences where you've spent so much time in survival.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: That can come from economic insecurity, which is a huge one, especially nowadays, all kinds of unsafe situations or unsupported situations where you've just had to do things on your own.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: And when you compare those two things side by side, it can feel like you've missed something, like you were supposed to be somewhere by now that you aren't, and everyone else is, and often you're not comparing apples with apples at all.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's very different than how it appears on the surface because none of this accounts for the part that often gets missed is what you were actually dealing with during those years.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because from the outside it can look like they were building and you were doing what?
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: And when you really look at it, honestly, those years weren't empty.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: You were managing something, you were having to navigate something, you were holding things together in an environment that was likely taking more from you than it was giving back, that used a lot of your energy.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: And there is no badge for I spent 10 years regulating someone else's moods.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: There's no milestone for I kept a household going while I was slowly slipping through the cracks and completely fucking losing myself.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks very much.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: So when you look back, it can feel like nothing was happening, but that is not true.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: A lot was happening, it just wasn't moving you forward in the way that you would have chosen, or it wasn't moving you forward in the way that other people around you may have had the opportunity to do.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: If you're safe and secure in most of your areas in life, you do have space to create things.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: You do have confidence if you were raised to have confidence that when you do things it will work out, or that would even stop you getting to the point where you start anything if you were raised to think that every bit of love you've ever had is conditional, that you can't be anything because what's the point?
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Most people I speak to haven't been raised in an environment where they're encouraged, seen, heard.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: They are actually more the people that have been raised to think that love equals pain, love equals performance, love equals being perfect, love equals an amount of abuse in it, or at least agitation and up and down roller coaster of emotions and manipulation, and that does take away from what you can achieve often.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: And this thing that you've recently been through that's led you to be listening to this is likely the catalyst which will change all of that.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't always sit there and consciously think about it, but it is there.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: There's usually a version of life you thought you would be living now, and it's lurking in the background, and it feels like you are responsible for that not happening because that's what the world largely tells you.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: You know, skip that latte, and you too could be a trillionaire, owning more of the world's wealth than anyone else, and yet there's never been such a stark disparity, and 181 million children each day will only have one meal today.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: But sure, be a trillionaire, that's what we've been taught, and that sadly pervades throughout all of society.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's on you, not the systems around you, but it's on you.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's why you haven't got to where you want to be.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: And that version that you thought you'd be living might be a picture of where you'd be, what you'd have, who you'd be with, what your days would look like.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: And when your actual life doesn't match that, there is a kind of grief.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Adding to so much grief in this, I'm afraid, to say, I'm always that guy.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: But it's not just for the relationship.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: I know I've said this before, but it's often for the timeline for the version that didn't happen, for all the things you thought you would birth, had you not had to get bogged down with all of this caused by often someone else's fuckery, frankly.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Or you agreeing to things that left you with many albatrosses around your neck that you would never have agreed to had you thought you would be doing.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: And for the version of life that didn't happen, sure, there is gonna be grief, and that grief can get mixed up with this idea that you're behind, but it isn't quite the same thing.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I mentioned comparisonitis with social media, but comparison is a real problem because when you're feeling like this, you tend to look outward for reference.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because what else do we see?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: You look at other people, and now we have a window into every household virtually in the world.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Anyone who posts on social media, anyone trying to make their life look better to make themselves feel better, which is usually what it is, because often people are portraying a completely different image of themselves, and you look at other people who are doing that and you try and place yourself in relation to them, and it's very easy to assume that they're ahead and you're behind.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure you don't need me to tell you, but I really want it to sink in that you are not comparing four stories, you're comparing your internal experience to their external presentation.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: You don't see what's happening inside their relationships, you don't see what they tolerate, you don't see what's missing, you don't see what they're giving up, you just see what looks stable, but you're not seeing everything off-camera where everything is perfect for that that little big role of film, and your brain just feels it at rest.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: So what were you actually up against?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: And this is something else that we need to name here.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you were in a relationship that involved manipulation, control, or emotional instability, you were not operating on a level playing field.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: You were making decisions inside a system that was distorting your perception.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: So you were trying to build a life while also managing someone else's behavior, second guessing yourself all the time, being gaslit, trying to keep things stable, trying to make something work that wasn't workable.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: And this is not the same as someone building their life from a place of stability with a partner who really is on the same page, respects you, loves you, and wants the best for you.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: That is not the same.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: So of course the outcomes are going to look different.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: If you're like me, I totally fell for all the bullshit.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: The picket fence dreams, as Paris Paloma states so eloquently, and promises of forever and wanting a whole bunch of kids of which I would never have agreed to or gone through with had I thought for a second that I would be doing it financially, emotionally, physically, or in any other way largely alone.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: It can take many years to get back on even ground in all the ways.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I want you to know if that is what's happening for you.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: It really is like comparing apples and oranges.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Once you're out, there can be this quiet urgency that kicks in, also, this pressure to catch up, quote unquote.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, now I need to get my life together.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now I need to make up for lost time, now I need to really catch up with everyone else, and that pressure can make everything feel heavier.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: It can also send you back into a freeze response where you do nothing.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: It all feels too much.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: Because now you're not just rebuilding, you're rebuilding under that pressure too.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: And pressure doesn't usually create this kind of clarity that you need to discern that this you being behind and everyone else being ahead thing isn't actually true because they're not comparable.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: It just creates more anxiety in the end, and that's the last thing you need.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: But what does behind actually mean, I guess, if you slow it down a bit and you really look at thought, I'm behind?
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: What does it actually mean to you?
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Behind who?
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: Behind what timeline?
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: Behind which version of life?
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because there isn't actually one universal path that everyone should follow at all.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: I frequently see people who have actually got their dream that they've been pursuing for a really long time in their 70s, 60s, whatever.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: There are patterns, of course, and definitely through the curated feeds of everything that what people want you to see, but there is not a fixed track that you somehow fell off and crashed.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: It just feels like that when you're comparing it to people who really haven't lived your experience or any version of it.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: And even if they had, honestly, it would be different.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's like when you go to gyms sometime, I'm sorry if I'm offending anybody who does personal training here, but you see a young guy, for example, and you're a middle-aged woman who's had five c-sections, a middle-aged woman who has all of these hormonal things that aren't really even studied or known about, only if you're really interested in it.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: And you go and see a young guy, and he's fresh out of his qualification, and he's gonna give you this exercise plan, and he's assuming, like most of the world, is built on the male body, even things like seatbelts, tests, medical stuff, it's all built for male bodies, and then he's gonna give you some plan which doesn't take into account really anything about you, and this is what I'm talking about.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: Someone else who's gone through everything you've been through and understands what you need is very different, and there aren't that many people out there willing to share the horror stories or the bullshit that comes with this kind of building your life after abuse, so your reality that you're comparing is very different.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: The people you're looking at are probably very different than you.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know about you, but I find it hard to think about a moment and think about capturing that moment and putting it on social media.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: That is almost the last thing that occurs to me, and it feels very hard.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: If you're doing that stuff, it's usually because you're a very different kind of person.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: I admire it, but a lot of the time you're not comparing yourself to someone who is like you.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: And the reality of starting from here is that where you are right now is not the same as where you were 10 years ago.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: So even if something's externally feel like a reset, internally you're not starting from zero.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: You have got experience now, awareness, pattern recognition, discernment, a much clearer sense of what you don't want, which is super important.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: And that changes how you move forward, even if it doesn't immediately look like progress from the outside.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: And please, for the love of all that you value, let go of this race.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: Part of this process, and also I know being in abusive relationships where the partner is very critical, and even when you do achieve the goals that they've wanted you to, they'll just move the goalpost and set you another one.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: You'll never actually be good enough in their eyes, so you get this idea of just everything being about the next thing, the next thing, how you can improve yourself.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I really want us to let go of that.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Specifically, I'm talking to the women here because we already come pre-built with all of this assumption that everything we do, we're even responsible for male violence.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: Haven't you heard?
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: You're responsible if you get sexually assaulted because if you were drinking or what you were wearing, but you're also responsible for a woman being killed every couple of minutes across the world by a male known to them or supposedly safe to them.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: And that's our fault too, apparently.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: Too naggy, to this, too that, feminism, that's the problem.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's why men are killing us.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: So of course we come pre-programmed with understanding that we need to get better, do better, be responsible, keep quiet, don't answer back.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: But you are not in a race with anyone, because that's what being behind, quote unquote, implies.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: That everyone's moving along at the same pace towards the same thing, and that is not actually how life works at all.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: Some people build quickly and unravel later, and some people stay in things that look good from the outside, but don't feel good on the inside.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of people live for the lens of optics and don't actually know that or they don't actually have happiness for themselves internally, know who they are, or love who they are.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: They haven't accepted themselves with everything that's they feel is bad about them and they feel is good about them.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: Some people don't even have the capability to be honest in their inventory of themselves.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: Narcissists, I'm talking to you.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: And some people just don't question anything until much later.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: Some people need the universe to hit them over the head with a pen about 18 times before they get it, and that is always different.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: Your timing is tied to your experience, not theirs, not any other fucker in this world, just you.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: Ooh, let's breathe, let's straighten our back and do that thing that I always tell you guys to do, shoulders down and back, head straight ahead, feet on the floor, tongue on the roof of the mouth.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: So what changes when you stop measuring it like that?
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: When you stop comparing to everyone else?
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: So if you stop constantly placing yourself on this timeline against someone else, something softens.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: Think about it.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: Just think about it right now, absorb it into your system.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: You can start asking some different questions of yourself.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe not how do I catch up, but what actually matters to me now?
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: What do I want my life to feel like?
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: What would feel aligned?
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: Not impressive to anyone and give a fuck about that, but what would feel aligned?
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: And these questions lead you somewhere much more real than trying to match someone else's life.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: By the way, I know it's super tempting when you're going through, say, a horrible, contentious divorce with some your previous abuser, to actually want the optics to be really good for you so you don't look like you're falling apart and you want them to feel some kind of way about how you're doing.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I get that, and obviously, maybe when you're through that phase, you'll listen to this again and you can come back to it.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: Because I do understand sometimes that's survival when I get that, and I salute you and I give you a big hug.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: But if you've been sitting with that feeling of being behind, it does not mean you've failed at life.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to tell you that, and I hope there's an infusion of a hug in everything that I've said.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: It usually means you've just had a different set of experiences that shaped your timeline in ways that you didn't necessarily choose.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: And now you're at a point where you're seeing things clearly, and from here you get to build something that actually fits you.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: Not something that just looks right from the outside, not something where you've always been bending yourself into pretzel knots for one stupid fucking person or social construct that's been forced upon you.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: I really want for everyone to have their own life that works for them.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: Revel in the things they love and be kind and do good stuff.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's good for your soul.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: I also, as a side note, and I don't want to be a butt, I would really discourage anyone, especially a woman, to ever have someone else be responsible again for any of your life-changing resources.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it is cynical, I don't really care.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: But every single day in my work, I see a woman who's given up a lot of her independence, whether that be financial, is something I see all the time.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional, like responsible for the logistics of the home, or dealing with the money, or knowing what the bank accounts say, to land deals, to assets, to debts, to anything.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then because those responsibilities were handed over, she ended up completely fucked.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: Completely fucked, with likely some kids to raise now.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are going to do that and mix responsibilities, then I strongly suggest that you know exactly how to access everything and you have full transparency completely from the beginning.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure you can always pay for your life, have your own home and a means of support.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: If I had known then what I know now, I would never have entered into any of those things.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry if that's a bummer, but I'm old and I'm just trying to save you guys some of the heartache, pain, and I guess mental resources that I wish I'd had back then.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: So, I hope you create a life you love.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: I promise you you'll get there.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: It just takes time, but I'm proud of you, and I'll see you next time.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: As always, please send me questions.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'll answer them in the podcast answer pop episodes.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: Lots of love.