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Standards vs. Boundaries in Dating · Gay Men Going Deeper

• 0:00
  Speaker A: Foreign. Going Deeper, a podcast by the Gay Men's Brotherhood that showcases raw and real conversations about personal development, mental health, and sexuality from an unapologetically gay perspective. I'm your host, Michael DiIorio, and joining me today is Matt Lancitle.
• 0:20
  Speaker B: Hey, guys.
• 0:21
  Speaker A: Today we're doing another one of our off the cuff sidebar just to just between us episodes. And I wanted to talk about something that I hear all the time in dating, and it's been coming up a lot for me, the idea that your standards are too high. Now, sometimes they are, but sometimes when I actually explore this topic further with guys, what I notice is that their standards may actually be. May actually be. But what's happening is that your boundaries are too low. I've been there. I said, I want an emotionally available man and then date men who are anything but because the sex was great. I enjoyed their company. It felt exciting to me. So I totally get it. And so I want to have a conversation today about the difference between standards and boundaries. And the way I see it is that standards are the things you want. They're that list in your mind of all the things that you. You want from a relationship, from a man. The expectations of the kind of man you want to date and your standards live in your head. Okay. Examples of standards might be, I want a man who communicates directly. I want someone who wants kids. I want a man who wants to be in a monogamous, monogamous relationship. Those are examples. Boundaries are what you actually allow in through your actions and behaviors. They're external, Right? So they're what you do when someone does not meet your standards, how quickly you leave, what you say no to, what you refuse to tolerate. Those are your boundaries. They're more action and behavior based. So an example of boundaries would be when he doesn't respond to my messages after days at a time. I'm out. I'm not tolerating that. I'm not. I'm not into this. If he's a fuckboy who only seems interested in sex every time we meet, I'm not playing that game. Not interested in that either. Or if he avoids wanting to define the relationship and what we are, then I'm not interested in being in that either. Right. So these are boundaries. Boundaries are actions. They're the enforcement of things that you want. So the problem is, for those of you who say you have high standards, again, some of. Some of you really just do have high standards. But some of you are saying you have high standards, but your actions actually demonstrate very Low boundaries. So you'll say, I want a man who truly values me, but I will give, I will attach myself to anyone who gives me a shred of attention. Or I want someone who can communicate maturely, but I will accept his vague crumbs just because he's hot. So that's how I define standards and boundaries. But I want to hear from Matt. What do you see as the difference between standards and boundaries?
• 2:58
  Speaker B: So I, I, I actually use the word needs over, over standards. So I think they're kind of, they're very similar. So when I am dating or, you know, I'm thinking about what it. It's always in the frame of needs. What do I need in order to feel safe? That's usually the number one thing. What do I need to feel safe? What do I need to feel fulfilled? Those are kind of the two categories that I'm always looking at. So again, another, you could use the word standard. So I have these standards. I want to make sure that my partner is communicative. Right. It's a need. It's also a standard. And then I look at the boundaries as the things that, that are the are ways that I would ensure that my standards or my needs are being met. Right. But I do think it's interesting because you have personal boundaries and then you have relational boundaries. And I would always start with, with personal boundaries. And look at, okay, this is my, this is what I am desiring. This is how he's showing up. They're not matching. So my personal boundary is to either speak up and say something or to get the hell out.
• 3:57
  Speaker A: Right.
• 3:58
  Speaker B: I'm noticing a repeat behavior. It's not working. So sometimes the personal boundary is all that's needed, especially if it's a repeat offender. Right. So you just say, okay, the personal boundary I'm setting with myself is that I'm going to leave this relationship. It's not working for me. But I do think I always would start with relational boundaries in the sense of communicating. Like, hey, like I'm noticing, you know, I have this need and it's, it's not being met. Like, you know, and I have to do this constantly in relationships when I'm dating, especially because I do feel like I do have high standards, but I don't think it's an unhealthy thing. I think it's, I know myself really well. I've done a lot of work to get to where I'm at. And I have high standards in the sense that I want a very functioning, healthy, fulfilling relationship. And Those take work. They take work. They take the other person doing their work too. Right. So I think I want to. I want to make sure that, you know, my standards are being met in my relationships. Yeah.
• 4:52
  Speaker A: Do you have any standards that you find hard to enforce with boundaries?
• 4:57
  Speaker B: Oh, my gosh, yes. So the last three guys that I've dated have been social drinkers, and I don't drink, and I prefer to date somebody who's sober. But good fucking luck finding that. In the gay community, it seems like everyone drinks, so I end up sacrificing a bit, and I'm like, okay. And then I set boundaries in the relationship that it's like, I don't want my partner drinking in excess. So if you want to be a social drinker, great. But if you drink in excess and you need to get drunk, then we're not a good fit. So most of the guys that I've dated have said, sure, I can abide by that. Because I also. I don't. I also don't want to take that away from them. If they're like a have a beer with dinner or have a glass of wine with dinner kind of person. Like, I'm fine with that. But it's. As soon as intoxication comes into the picture, I find that it just creates unhealthy dynamics in relationships, at least for me. It's been. That's been my experience. So that's been a hard one to. I don't even want to say enforce, because I don't. I won't get to that point where I will need to enforce. As soon as I feel like I need to enforce, it means that I don't trust them or that their behavior is outside our boundary. And then therefore, I'll say there's a value misalignment and I'll remove myself from the relationship.
• 6:07
  Speaker A: Right.
• 6:08
  Speaker B: But I'm now starting to realize that I think I need a sober partner.
• 6:12
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 6:12
  Speaker B: So if you're out there and you're sober, like, holler. Because there's not. There's not a whole hell of a lot of us out there in the gay world. Yeah.
• 6:21
  Speaker A: We have. In our. In the game as brotherhood, we have people ambassadors who are running sober connections events. So if that sounds like you, please check out our website. And I think they're running them monthly, I believe, Matt.
• 6:32
  Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Adam and Scott.
• 6:35
  Speaker A: So check that out. Yeah, I hear you. It's one thing to have standards, it's another thing to enforce them. And I have my. My weakness as well. A few My friends will say that I love a project. I. My standard is I want a man who is already like, you know, has his shit together, ready to go. Maybe he even been in a relationship before, and he's. This is maybe a second go at it. Sure, that's fine. But Lord, you know, a. A bird with a broken wing come to. Come to daddy. Let me take care of you. Oh, let me mend that broken wing. Like, I just. I just. I know what it is. Maybe it's that nurturing part of me that gets to come online, but I just love nurturing and I love taking care. And my friends will always say, michael, you need someone who is, like, already out of the gate, ready to go, not someone you need to, like, train, not a project. Yeah, I love a good project.
• 7:24
  Speaker B: Yeah. I. I don't know. I don't want to absolute that and say I used to be like that, because there's still a little, itsy bitsy, tiny part of me that can be like that. And I know for me, I. I do agree with one side of it, the conscious side, for me, the healthy side is that I like to nurture and I like to care. But I can still do that with a guy, with a man that doesn't have a broken wing. I can still nurture him and care for him and build him up beyond that. But I noticed in myself, what I was doing was I was attracting guys who I felt like I had an advantage over. So I was dating down, right? It's like, oh, your wing is broken. So. Because what was. What that was doing for me is it was helping me not activate my inadequacy parts, because if I dated a guy that was my equal and even in certain areas, better than me, it would make me feel inadequate, right? So I do know, for me, I was doing that as a way to try and prevent me from having to feel inadequacy wounds. Right? And I think a lot of us as human beings have inadequacy wounds in just. In certain areas. Right? And so, but I've. I'm no longer doing that. I'm now dating guys that I would say would be, you know, like. Or at least trying to attract guys who I would look at to be more as equals. And it does bring up stuff for me. I'm like, oh, damn. Like, I may. I don't have the upper hand in this. Or, you know, the last guy I dated had a nicer body than me in the. In a. In a traditional sense of what maybe the gays would think and yeah, it brought up for me, man. I was like, okay, I gotta. I gotta work through these parts of me that are. That are not loving my body the way that I need to, you know?
• 8:56
  Speaker A: So interesting. I think for me, it's because I. I like being the caring one, the one taking care of. And it's harder for me to let go and surrender and be the one who, you know, has the broken wing, so to speak, in whatever area we're talking about. Never thought of it in that way. That's interesting, though. That's an interesting idea that I met.
• 9:14
  Speaker B: Why does it. Why is it hard for you to receive care, do you think?
• 9:16
  Speaker A: Why is it hard for me to receive care? This is the. This is the thing. Because intellectually I want that. And I'm like, oh, that would sound so nice to just have that. And yet when I meet those guys, for whatever reason, it's just. I don't. I don't know, the attraction isn't as strong. But again, it's one of those things like I. I say I want intellectually in the end. In the end. And yet the actions demonstrate a very different story. It might be that I'm used to being the one kind of in that role, the caring one, and it's just a different shoe to wear. Although when I have done that with previous partners, I loved it. I did. I really loved it. I loved being cared for. It took me a while to get there. And then when I trust somebody that might be it, I think I hit it. Trust. I think it takes a while for me to trust someone, to do it properly when I myself am already so great at taking care of me. Yeah, I. I'm not gonna outsource this thing that I do very, very well to somebody else because I can do it myself. Thank you very much.
• 10:16
  Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. We're so similar that way. Hyper independent. We don't receive support very easily. It's vulnerable, man. It's vulnerable receiving support. You know, I even noticed for me, like, you know, being a therapist and receiving help, it feels. It feels uncomfortable. Unless it's from another therapist.
• 10:34
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 10:34
  Speaker B: And I'm paying them. But with a partner, I have a really hard time surrendering and letting them help me because I don't like the feeling of being the broken winged birdie.
• 10:44
  Speaker A: Right.
• 10:44
  Speaker B: It makes me feel like less than. It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. Which actually, now that I think about it, it probably hits on shame. It's like if my wing is broken, there's something wrong with me. And they might see me as a broken bird wing, and they are broken winged bird. And they. They might lose attraction to me, or they might think I'm weak. These sorts of things.
• 11:06
  Speaker A: Yeah. With the right person, I. That's how I know it's the right person is I wouldn't feel that way with my person. I would feel very safe and very okay with it. Yeah. Maybe when I don't know them well enough yet, I might be still worried about those things. Like, it's early, early stages. But I. You know, I make my guys that I date and my partners. I make them. There's a long line of trust building. Like, it doesn't happen quickly. Yeah. And so by the time I get to that phase, I'm like, yes, please hold me. I want to just surrender myself to you.
• 11:36
  Speaker B: Yeah. Men who've integrated their masculine and their feminine are men that I can do that with. And there's not a lot of them out there. Like, if you can nurture me and you can contain me, those are. So containment is very much a masculine trait. People are getting hung up on the gender language. You could use yang, whatever. And then nurturing is very much a feminine or a yin energy. So to be able to nurture and contain are the two things that I think are essential for holding space, and they are the polarities of the masculine and the feminine. So I. I really. If I'm being honest, I don't think I've met a man yet that has integrated both of them, which is probably why I have never fully surrendered and built full trust in a relationship, because you got to have both of them. They're so, so crucial.
• 12:25
  Speaker A: They're out there. Those guys are out there for sure. And I bet you they listen to this podcast, because, I mean, if they. If they are, they probably would get something from this.
• 12:32
  Speaker B: So. Yeah. Yeah.
• 12:34
  Speaker A: But I know they're out there. Let's talk a little bit about why high standards don't matter if your boundaries are low. A lot of guys out there are really good at having their list. These are all the things I want. Their standards. They have. Their. Their wishes, I call them. But they don't protect you. Wishes don't protect you. Boundaries do. So standards without boundaries are just a wish list. It's just theory, without any kind of enforcement. So you can have a great list, but you will still accept breadcrumbs from the hot guy, and then your list means absolutely nothing. So this is really important. You will attract what you tolerate, and your boundaries will define what you tolerate. And what you don't. And what I see out there, and again, I'm guilty too, is our boundaries just fizzle very quickly in certain situations. Right? So we all have those things that we just, you know, gloss over all of our boundaries. And, you know, for a lot of people, it's a hot guy, a hot guy who gives them attention. They're like, oh, my God, he's giving me attention. And they feel this, the sense of being seen and validated through that because this person is giving them something. Even just. Even if it's just attention. And all of a sudden I'll see boundaries just collapse. Like up. They're gone. So you fold very quickly. Other times I see guys folding their boundaries really quickly, is if they feel flattered. Also if it's from a hawkeye. Personally, for me, when I'm feeling horny and like, oh, that doesn't matter. Let me get some, please. Another one is if you're feeling lonely and if you've been lonely for a while, sometimes it's easy to just not have any boundaries and let people in when maybe you shouldn't. Or if the sex is really good. I've seen a lot of that. Like, oh, but the sex is so good. I just. I keep accepting. I keep accepting, accepting breadcrumbs, because the breadcrumbs I get feel really good. So. Yeah. What are, what are. Matt, what are some of your. Where do your boundaries collapse the fastest?
• 14:27
  Speaker B: Well, I want to say one thing, so I think it's important. So I think what you're talking about is actually very subconscious for people. I don't think a lot of people realize this because the conscious part of us is where these high standards where. Where these are coming from. And I would say standards even more so than needs, because needs can be true. Kind of authentic. Needs can also be kind of hidden in the subconscious, especially if we have low self worth. So I do think, like, the conscious part of us is like, yes, I have these standards. I want to make sure these things are met. But the subconscious part, which is often where our comfort zone lies, which is where we're actually feeling emotional from our behaviors come from our subconscious. I think if we have low self worth, then we erode all of our. All of our standards because we are not feeling worthy of actually having those standards met. Okay, So I think that's. That's definitely a thing. And I think a lot of gay men struggle with low self worth. And I think deep in our subconscious we believe we're not worthy of being treated well or of having a partner that shows up and. And gives us love. So I think there's a big wound in our community around we aren't worthy of receiving love.
• 15:33
  Speaker A: Right.
• 15:33
  Speaker B: I think that that's where this. This comes from or even being treated well.
• 15:37
  Speaker A: Right.
• 15:37
  Speaker B: You look at the way people show up sexually, and a lot of the things. Yeah, that's a whole other episode. But so for me, something that really skews this would be dopamine. So when I'm falling in and lusting, it's. My God, I'm so intoxicated that I don't even really recognize red flags. It's tough. Like, I have to. Actually, this is. And this is why I have a therapist, so I can, like, just give, you know, all this data to them and be like, help me. Help me discern. Especially in the honeymoon phase. Once the honeymoon phase is over and the dopamine is kind of starting to settle, I'm. I'm able to start to see things more clearly. So that would. That would be a huge one for me, is just. Yeah. All the neurochemicals that are flooding my brain, they. They affect how I see things. But what was your original question? Cause I want to try and answer it more directly.
• 16:21
  Speaker A: Yeah, that's great, though. When do you find your boundaries collapsing fastest? Okay, you're lonely. If he's. If you're horny, if he's hot. The dopamine.
• 16:29
  Speaker B: If he's hot. For sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If he's. If he's really attractive. I find, like, you know, you kind of want to make it work, these sorts of things. But it's interesting because it's more so with the sex piece. With that would come, you know, like. So I think that that would be one of them for sure where I would collapse boundaries trying to think if there's anything el.
• 16:49
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 16:49
  Speaker B: And then I think also if I'm feeling. If I'm feeling not as confident or I'm. I'm feeling kind of like, not as good. Like, not good enough. I feel like I don't measure up these sorts of things. I'll really want to make it work so then I don't have to deal with the rejection or the feeling inadequate.
• 17:06
  Speaker A: Yeah, that's such a great point. That. That validation as connection. So many men, and I do this too, will confuse validation for connection. And you're wanting one thing and getting another, and then it feels. Of course you're not going to feel that connection avoid filled. Because it's not connection, it's validation. They're Two different things. But I get it. I see this so often. And yes, it is very, very, very much an issue in. In the gay community specifically is people aren't looking for partners for validation. They want the gold star that says, look, I'm loved. He thinks so. This guy thinks I'm lovable, so I win. And that's not it. That's not connection, my friends. That's just validation. And when your boundaries collapse just because someone gives you attention, those aren't boundaries at all. You're confusing that. That excitement of the dopamine of, oh, my God, he's paying attention to me, with connection and compatibility. And again, those are completely separate things. And then I see people thinking, this is the sad part is people think I have this person who gives me attention, and yet I feel like it's not enough, Something's wrong with me. They think they're the problem. They punish themselves for wanting more. And I'm like, no, it's not. You're not the problem for wanting more. You just need to have higher boundaries. That will mean letting in less people. If you think of your boundaries as a filter for who comes through the general population into your sacred space, the higher your boundaries are, the fewer people that are going to come in, the few people that are going to come in, the less likely you're going to get that dopamine hit of, oh, people find me attractive. I'm getting the attention I want.
• 18:41
  Speaker B: Yeah, exactly. I think a lot of people, a lot of gay men, based their worth off of who they're having sex with if they're hot. And it's like, oh, that hot guy chose me, so I must be worthy, right? And their currency is this, like, is attraction or the hot guy choosing. Choosing me, like, these sorts of things. And I'm curious for you, what makes you feel valid?
• 19:01
  Speaker A: Valid or validated?
• 19:02
  Speaker B: Validated, like, yeah, like, if we're talking about, like, validation isn't connection, but I think validation is still important, right? Like, what makes you feel valid? Like, when somebody chooses you when, like.
• 19:13
  Speaker A: You know, externally or internally. I mean, internally, I do that myself.
• 19:15
  Speaker B: I would say more so externally, how I'm framing it.
• 19:18
  Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, I would say, you know, even. It doesn't have to, like, even just looks. If I see if I've noticed people checking me, I'm like, okay, well, I still got it. Like, they don't have to talk to me. We don't have to have sex. But if I just notice. If I just notice that I'm being noticed. Yeah, that's usually good enough for me. I'm like, oh, okay, I still got it. It doesn't have to be anything more than that. I used to definitely be that guy. And I've talked about that a lot on this podcast. I was very much. The notches in my bedpost equals how lovable and worthy I am. I was that guy. Yeah, for sure. So now that I know that pattern and I see it, like, it's very clear to me. It's so obvious to me. And of course, I still enjoy. I still enjoy the notches in my bedpost, but my worthiness doesn't come from there. I can say that that's nice to have as a cherry on top. Validation comes from acknowledgement from other people, and not just on my looks, but anything, really. Just acknowledgement that they see me, that. That they're like, hey, I see the work you're doing in the world, for example. Or, you know, I see. I see how hard you work. I see how much you care for your family and friends. Anytime someone says those words, like, I see you or I notice you or I acknowledge you, that is so validating. And I absolutely love that, as we all need. We all need that validation. We're not shitting on validation here, But I also have the skill of internally validating myself when those things don't happen. I can look at myself in the mirror and say the very same thing.
• 20:37
  Speaker B: Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I love that. Yeah.
• 20:41
  Speaker A: A great rule or litmus test with boundaries is if the person you were dating or who you want to set the boundary with wasn't hot, you'd probably be out of there pretty quick. So it's interesting to say, huh? If this person didn't look the way he did or didn't make me feel the way he did in terms of, you know, the validation, I'd probably wouldn't tolerate this behavior. I'd probably be out of there. And so that's a really good litmus test to know if you're out there dating someone and you're struggling to wonder if your boundaries are too low. Ask yourself, if he wasn't hot, what would you do?
• 21:15
  Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. I. I would be remiss if I didn't bring this into the conversation, because I do think that boundaries are communicated to us through our bodies. So if you are noticing anxiousness, you're. You're really anxious with this guy. He. Maybe he's really hot, but he makes you super anxious. You know, you're ruminating about him, you're losing sleep. Like these sorts of Things. It's like that. Is your body setting a boundary for you? It's like this person's not a good fit for me. And so listen, check in with your body. Like there's a whole piece of this, that, that. Yes, it's good to have these standards. It's good to have these needs. It's good to have these ways that you want people to show up, but if your body's telling you otherwise, it's not a good fit. Listen to that.
• 21:55
  Speaker A: Something that came up for me recently. That's great advice. That was, I guess now a standard. Yes. The standard for me is I used to be a firm believer of actions speak louder than words. And I still do believe that they do speak louder than they're to me more important, they're more demonstrative. Right. But I still want the words. Yeah, yeah, I still want the words. So you need to do both. Yes, you're. I, I would, I'd rather have. No, I need both of them. I used to say I'd rather have actions and no words, but now I'm like, no, no, I want both. Your words need to be upheld by actions. Otherwise they're just words. So I need to have both. But I also don't like when people are they just so quiet and, and they have a hard time expressing the validation and everything that we kind of talked about at the beginning there. Um, I want to hear it. I want to hear you say, I love you. I want to be with you. I want to, I want you to be my cheerleader as much as I am yours. I dated somebody who would always say like, oh yeah, actions speak a lot of them. I guess they do. And your actions absolutely speak that. But like now tell me once in a while, give me something. Give me like a hey, I see you or you're a good looking guy or something like once in a while. And so that's what I learned recently is that I actually want both.
• 23:10
  Speaker B: Yeah, that's my sixth love language. So there's the five love languages. My sixth love language and it's. I've included in there is actions matching words.
• 23:19
  Speaker A: Yes. Integrity.
• 23:20
  Speaker B: It's, it's your words, words of affirmation are nothing if they're your actions are not backing them up. So.
• 23:28
  Speaker A: Yeah. And I think, Matt, what you talked about earlier about self worth is so key to this conversation that your, your boundaries absolutely do reveal. Again, not saying your boundaries, but actually enforcing and maintaining them with people is what reveals your self worth. A boundary is just your standards that have consequences. In real life, and you're absolutely right, as your self worth increases, then you'll find it maybe not easier, but you will enforce those boundaries. And then the end result is that, like, life will get easier after the fact. Not during, but after.
• 24:00
  Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, I agree. And boundaries, they're sexy. Like, I love a man with boundaries because I then therefore know how to show up to make him feel good. Then it makes me feel good. And I think it's. I think it's really important to have boundaries and.
• 24:17
  Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. What poor boundaries look like, for those of you who may be wondering what that looks like in real life is, here's what I've done before. Justifying his shit. It's like, well, he's just in a bad mood. Or, you know, it's just. It's just like, just justifying anything that you wouldn't normally tolerate again if he wasn't hot or the sex wasn't good if you wouldn't tolerate that. But you tolerate it and you justify with other things. That's what poor boundaries might look like. Another one that I've done is kind of waiting around because I'm like, oh, I'll just wait because he's really hot or because his sex is good. So accepting those breadcrumbs and just waiting and letting him really own, like, kind of have all the power in this, like, waiting around without a commitment. So let's say I had a date, a potential to go on a date with you, Matt, like a great guy on a Friday night. And I'm like, oh, no. He said he might text me Friday night. So I'm just gonna wait around and say no to Matt for what I might get over here. Poor boundary, hoping for better without any evidence of him being better. So this goes back to the episode on Falling in Love with a Fantasy. He'll change. He'll get better. He'll. He'll change his mind about me. I've done that before.
• 25:21
  Speaker B: So painful to live like that.
• 25:22
  Speaker A: Yeah. And then you're just lowering your standards. Your boundaries sometimes get so high that so few people come in that you realize, oh, okay, I need to lower my standards. And that's never a good idea.
• 25:32
  Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree. And keep in mind, folks, that boundaries also teach people how to get close to us and how to love us. It's like we. We're giving someone the map of how to love us and how to show up for us. Right. It's like boundaries are. Are like the little school or the training program that we're Putting people through to say, this is how I need you to show up for me so we can get close and we can maintain trust and safety in these sorts of things. Because I think sometimes just people just look at boundaries as these like, hard line things that we're putting out to like, keep people like in line or to keep people out or whatever. Boundaries are actually meant to be delivered with a lot of kindness and tactics in the sense that we can then for like get our needs met. Right.
• 26:14
  Speaker A: Boundaries are not or demands to control other people. They're really about protecting you and your rules of engagement. For you. It's all, it's all about protecting yourself. They have nothing to do with trying to control other people. This is like, this is how, this is how I need it for. As Matt had said, protecting my peace and since and creating safety in this relationship. And that's the way it's going to be. So it's not at all about controlling people. If you're using boundaries to control people, you're doing it wrong.
• 26:42
  Speaker B: Well, and if you need to use boundaries to control people, then maybe the boundary actually needs to be put on you because that person's not safe if you need to control them. And maybe the boundary is a personal boundary of saying, I can't be with this person, so I'm going to remove myself. So you set a boundary with yourself. Totally.
• 26:58
  Speaker A: Yeah. A boundary is not a wall we put up. It's more of a filter. We are, we are still letting people in, but under those conditions that you deem are correct for you.
• 27:07
  Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah.
• 27:08
  Speaker A: All right, Matt, any last words?
• 27:10
  Speaker B: No, no. I feel complete.
• 27:11
  Speaker A: Yeah. Great episode on standards versus boundaries. If you guys want to chime in, please do put in the chat in there. And if you're watching us on YouTube, what are the differences to you between standards and boundaries? Let us know. Okay, guys, what we are creating here is supported by donations. So. So please do donate to the show. There's a link in the show notes. You can also tap the thanks button on YouTube or you can tap to get early access to episodes on Apple Podcasts. And as always, we invite you to come to our events, check out our courses, look up our coaching, check out men's groups that Matt and I are running. All of the info is in the show notes. And for anything relating to our connection circles and other events, including the Sober Connections event, please head over to gaymensbrotherhood.com we'll see you in the next episode. Guys.