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Mojo Mondays: Why You Need to Focus on Being Useful · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

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  Speaker 1: Just before we get into the podcast, I have a
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  Speaker 1: charts and to grow the podcast. So straight onto the podcast. Now,
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  Speaker 1: Hey everyone, welcome to another edition of Mojo Monday's with
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  Speaker 1: myself and coach Carly.
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  Speaker 2: Hello, Hi everybody. So we're going to talk today about
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  Speaker 2: being useful because we did a podcast a few weeks
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  Speaker 2: ago we were talking about self worth and we talked
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  Speaker 2: about rather than looking at worthiness and how worthy we are,
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  Speaker 2: we can look at usefulness. So I thought that would
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  Speaker 2: be a good topic to kind of expand on.
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  Speaker 1: It's a very good topic to expand on. But my
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  Speaker 1: spider senses are tingling here. Has this got anything to
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  Speaker 1: do with the fact that in thirty six hours we
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  Speaker 1: are going overseas and I haven't contributed one iota to
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  Speaker 1: the packing as yet.
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  Speaker 2: So you better start than useful yes from now straight
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  Speaker 2: after this.
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  Speaker 1: Podcast Lightning, Clear, Light and Clear. Okay, So I hope
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  Speaker 1: you go.
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  Speaker 2: So having a life sort of well not a life,
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  Speaker 2: but looking at usefulness as a tool. What it does
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  Speaker 2: is it redirects your attention away from yourself because as humans,
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  Speaker 2: we're very self focused, and some more than others. So
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  Speaker 2: you know, where we're stressed or we're anxious, We're often
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  Speaker 2: very focused on our internal thoughts and our emotions. And
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  Speaker 2: this is something that has really helped me. So when
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  Speaker 2: I'm feeling overwhelmed or I'm feeling anxious or worried, I
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  Speaker 2: do a couple of things. I ask myself with the thoughts.
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  Speaker 2: I look at them and go, are these thoughts useful?
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  Speaker 2: And if they're not useful, then I don't have to
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  Speaker 2: I don't have to do what my thoughts are saying.
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  Speaker 2: I don't have to focus on them, and I can
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  Speaker 2: redirect my attention into what is useful. What I've found
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  Speaker 2: is that if we can take the focus away from
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  Speaker 2: ourselves and onto what can be done, and this can
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  Speaker 2: be useful to another person. It can just be useful
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  Speaker 2: as what needs to be done in front of me,
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  Speaker 2: like the dishes for example. It can be really really helpful.
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  Speaker 1: There's probably a couple of elements just as you were talking. There,
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  Speaker 1: so two things that we can look up. One is
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  Speaker 1: this whole idea of being self focused, and Western psychology
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  Speaker 1: is particularly self focused, especially psychoanalytical psychology. You know, the
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  Speaker 1: whole liedown on accounts. Let's talk about your childhood, how
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  Speaker 1: you got screwed up, and bring you back together. Yeah, aphrazing,
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  Speaker 1: But it is very much a lot of Western psychology
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  Speaker 1: is about me, me, me, me me, whereas some of
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  Speaker 1: the older philosophical traditions, and people will not be surprised.
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to bring up stoicism here is about external
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  Speaker 1: focus and that whole idea about being useful. Marcus really
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  Speaker 1: has talked about being a good man, and we actually
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  Speaker 1: have a poster that you bought me is stopped talking
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  Speaker 1: about what a good man should be and be one right, Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: and that's really about Their whole thing was about arata
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  Speaker 1: and character and being a good citizen like that was
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  Speaker 1: hugely important for the Stoics, is being a good citizen
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  Speaker 1: and that's external right, that is about being useful.
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  Speaker 2: Do you think do you think of that? I just
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  Speaker 2: thought of this and I know that talk therapy has
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  Speaker 2: helped many, many people. But you think about how many
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  Speaker 2: hours you spend in therapy or how many hours you
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  Speaker 2: spend focusing on yourself when you could be actually out
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  Speaker 2: there being really useful in the world.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, now that's right, and and so and I've actually
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  Speaker 1: been developing. We were bouncing this back and forth for
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  Speaker 1: my new website. Spoiler alert. I've got a new website
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  Speaker 1: coming up, and the podcast name is going to change
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  Speaker 1: to The Pole Tailor Podcast. But anyway, that is a
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  Speaker 1: spoiler alert. Yes, I was writing down the other night.
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  Speaker 1: I was just sort of doodling about stuff about, you know,
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  Speaker 1: some guides for living a life and and and firstly
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  Speaker 1: I think, and I can't remember all of it, but
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  Speaker 1: one is life is hard, accept it, right. And so
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  Speaker 1: the second one is you need to do the work.
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  Speaker 1: So if life is hard, you need to do the
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  Speaker 1: work to prepare yourself for a hard life, right. And
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  Speaker 1: that a forged mind it forwards like a sword, you know,
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  Speaker 1: the old sword forwards that that is how we get toughened,
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  Speaker 1: is but for going that through that, But a forged
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  Speaker 1: mind is enabled by the body, right, So it's about
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  Speaker 1: doing the work. The physical stuff. They exercise, the good nutrition,
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  Speaker 1: the sleep hiding, the breath work, all of that supports
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  Speaker 1: are gives all the sustenance for a healthy brain slash
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  Speaker 1: mind that you can then go and become stress adapted, right,
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  Speaker 1: whereas if your brain isn't in a great state. But anyway,
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  Speaker 1: the next thing that the next point on that was
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  Speaker 1: about find a tribe. That was my point, because everybody
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  Speaker 1: needs a tribe. And then my next point, and I
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  Speaker 1: actually haven't shown yet, is be useful.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, yeah, so because that's going to increase that's
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  Speaker 2: going to increase connection, isn't it. If you're useful to others.
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  Speaker 2: It enhances the connection that you have with people. And
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  Speaker 2: that's what we need to to feel good and to
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  Speaker 2: be well, is those beautiful connections with others. So that
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  Speaker 2: that relates to that.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and that'd be useful. And that's actually the little
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  Speaker 1: story you told me. I think it was last week
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  Speaker 1: when Oscar was walking to school and this old lady
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  Speaker 1: was out and he saw that she was struggling to
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  Speaker 1: put her bins out. Yeah, went over and asked her
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  Speaker 1: if she needed any help, and she said, oh, yes, please,
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  Speaker 1: and you know, so he helped her out and she
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  Speaker 1: had a little chat with them and stuff like that.
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  Speaker 1: And then I think he actually called you, didn't he
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  Speaker 1: because he just did felt he felt so good helping
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  Speaker 1: her out. And that's you know, it's a neat. You
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  Speaker 1: got a little twelve year old boy who sudden old
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  Speaker 1: lady and feels so good about it that he wants
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  Speaker 1: to call his mom and talk about it.
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  Speaker 2: And yeah, and she she would have felt good as well.
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  Speaker 2: So it's those little micro connections, those opportunities to have
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  Speaker 2: a micro connection with somebody. So both of you have
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  Speaker 2: those little little troop of hormones that make you feel good.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely so. And this I think there's being useful.
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  Speaker 1: And the reason again that this has popped into my mind.
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  Speaker 1: I was doing a workshop yesterday and I was talking
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  Speaker 1: to people about purpose in life and a purpose exercise,
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  Speaker 1: and I said, some people may have heard me talk
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  Speaker 1: about this on the podcast, Like, it's not about saving
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  Speaker 1: the world. It's not about you you have to change
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  Speaker 1: the world or you know, find a solution to global warming.
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  Speaker 1: It's just like, how can your little corner of the
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  Speaker 1: universe be better for you having being in it? Roughly
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  Speaker 1: trans how can you be useful to those around you?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's it's not only that too, it's it's
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  Speaker 2: how can I be useful in this moment? You know,
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  Speaker 2: there is always something to do. There's a book called
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  Speaker 2: Constructive Living by David Reynolds and it's based on Marita therapy.
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  Speaker 2: It's but it is about accepting your situation as it is,
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  Speaker 2: accepting the emotions that come up as being human and
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  Speaker 2: with not with instead of struggling with those emotions. It's
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  Speaker 2: like looking outward and going, how can I be useful
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  Speaker 2: in this moment? And what I find is that if
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  Speaker 2: I and it's not about distraction, it's just about coexisting
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  Speaker 2: with how you're feeling, but getting things done, and that
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  Speaker 2: if you can tick things off even when you're feeling
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  Speaker 2: really crap, then that's going to be that little thing
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  Speaker 2: that is going to make you feel good by default.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and so that being useful You're what I'm hearing
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  Speaker 1: from you is you can either be useful for other
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  Speaker 1: people and that's really important to do in the big
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  Speaker 1: scheme of things, and be a useful tribe member, but
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  Speaker 1: also you can be useful for yourself and especially when
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  Speaker 1: you're struggling. Right, Yes, So that's the Aregamama that you
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  Speaker 1: talk about right with that.
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  Speaker 2: That's right with things as they are, what needs to
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  Speaker 2: be done, and then observing your thoughts and observing them
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  Speaker 2: as are they useful or not? Are they helping me
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  Speaker 2: right now or not? And if they are, then great,
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  Speaker 2: that's good, you're solving problems. If they're not, then okay,
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to turn my attention to something that is useful.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, very cool. So it can be personal, it can
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  Speaker 1: be for somebody else. It can be about thoughts. It
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  Speaker 1: can also be about actions. Right, yeah, and now a
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  Speaker 1: quick break for a word from our sponsors. Tell this.
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  Speaker 1: So if you're having an unhelpful thought and you recognize it,
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  Speaker 1: so the first thing is self awareness, right that you're
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  Speaker 1: in this self focused, bloody vortex that might be dragging
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  Speaker 1: you don't. So the first thing is to catch yourself
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  Speaker 1: on to have that awareness, a bit of meta cognition,
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  Speaker 1: to think about what you're thinking about right now, realizing okay,
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  Speaker 1: that is not useful and is it a better strategy
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  Speaker 1: To then turn your attention to what might a useful
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  Speaker 1: thought be or are you better going to action? Or
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  Speaker 1: does it depend on the circumstance.
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  Speaker 2: I think it depends on the circumstances. Yeah. I mean
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  Speaker 2: I've had times where I have recognized a thought as
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  Speaker 2: being unhelpful or not useful, and so I have deliberately,
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  Speaker 2: actually consciously gone, well, what is going to be useful
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  Speaker 2: for me if I just don't know or if I'm
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  Speaker 2: really struggling with the emotion. And that's the hardest part
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  Speaker 2: is when the thoughts and the strong emotions come, then
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  Speaker 2: I find moving my body, moving my hands, doing something,
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  Speaker 2: whether it's just cleaning up, whether it's just making the bed,
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  Speaker 2: or whether I'm going to go and do some exercise
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  Speaker 2: just to have that little reprieve. But it's about moving
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  Speaker 2: an action.
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  Speaker 1: Oh you know what, It just reminded me of my
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  Speaker 1: little discharge recharge. Yeah, perfect reset. Right, So, and this
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  Speaker 1: I think is really useful when you notice that you're
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  Speaker 1: in that vortex, so the discharge is and that whole
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  Speaker 1: what would be useful? What would be useful right now?
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  Speaker 1: As a reset? And you need to realize that when
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  Speaker 1: you're having those negative emotions, there are all sorts of
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  Speaker 1: hormones going on in your body. There's stress hormones, You're
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  Speaker 1: possibly in a meg deal of hijack. What you've got
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  Speaker 1: to do is discharge those stress hormones. Right, they are
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  Speaker 1: there to eneable you to fight or to run away.
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  Speaker 1: And you can discharge those stress hormones with a thirty
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  Speaker 1: second sprint, right, Just sprinting on the spot for thirty
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  Speaker 1: seconds will discharge those stress hormones. Right then you recharge.
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  Speaker 1: So it's going to take a little bit of time.
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  Speaker 1: You need to get a couple of breaths. You know,
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  Speaker 1: you'll be blowing out your arse, particularly if you're not
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  Speaker 1: in shape. But then it's just slowly getting control of
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  Speaker 1: your breathing, whether you want to do box breathing or
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  Speaker 1: you want to do resonant frequency in for four out
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  Speaker 1: for six. As I said, it'll take a little bit
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  Speaker 1: of time for you to grab a hold of it
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  Speaker 1: if you've just been sprinting on the spot. And then
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  Speaker 1: it's a reset. It's a psychological reset, so you can
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  Speaker 1: either reframe the context that you're in or you can
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  Speaker 1: now go, okay, what would a more useful thought be
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  Speaker 1: or what would then more useful strategy be, so that discharge,
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  Speaker 1: recharge reset and can be a really useful thing. And
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  Speaker 1: it's just about manipulating your physiology and changing your brain stack.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, perfect, very useful, very good.
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  Speaker 1: Does that? Does that excuse me from packing or not?
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  Speaker 2: No, it doesn't. Right, we've got to finish here and
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  Speaker 2: you've got to start packing.
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  Speaker 1: I think that. I think folks, I think we're we're
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  Speaker 1: all very clear that this is the end of the
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  Speaker 1: podcast this week, and I am off to make myself useful.
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  Speaker 1: Catch you next time.
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  Speaker 2: See Yeah,