Latest / Libido Lounge / Do this for 3% of the day to save your marriage with Monica Tanner Part 2

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Do this for 3% of the day to save your marriage with Monica Tanner Part 2 · Libido Lounge

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  Roommate syndrome is just very explanatory of what happens in long term committed
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  relationships.
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  We start all hot and heavy.
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  All of the sudden, the bills and and mortgage and our careers and our kids and all of the
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  responsibilities that come with building a life together start to fit in.
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  They stop being really intentional about feeding that connection, that passion, that
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  intimacy.
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  They stop having hard conversations.
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  They stop asking for the things that they want from each other.
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  They just start feeling disconnected.
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  We don't really make an intentional effort to connect while we're doing it.
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  We've been fed the lie that love is enough.
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  There will be time for our relationship later.
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  Episode of the Libido Lounge.
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  I am back with Monica Tanner today, relationship coach, and we are talking about
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  resentment theory.
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  We're talking about roommate syndrome.
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  We're talking about why this happens.
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  Now, if you haven't listened to part one where we talked to Monica about why so many myths
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  that happen in long term relationships, why they're not true, You know, why just compromise
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  doesn't actually work that well.
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  Why happy wife, happy life doesn't work that well.
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  So make sure you go listen to part one.
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  That's going to be in the show notes below so you get all that information.
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  Remember we are gonna give you a free prize from Monica at the end of this, so stay for the
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  end till that.
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  And welcome back Monica.
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  It's good to have you again.
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  Thank you.
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  So excited to be here.
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  Same, same.
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  So let's get right into it as always.
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  So roommate syndrome.
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  Now a lot of people I think are going to recognize this phrase immediately and know
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  exactly what we're talking about, but before we talk about how to actually fix it, can you just
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  kinda ground us, make sure we're all on the same page?
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  Like, what exactly is that and why does it happen?
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  Oh, great questions.
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  Roommate syndrome is just very explanatory of what happens in long term committed
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  relationships because we start all hot and heavy.
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  We can't keep our hands off each other.
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  We have these ideas of this incredible life we're gonna create together.
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  And then all of the sudden, the bills and the mortgage and our careers and our kids and all
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  of the responsibilities that come with building a life together start to fit in.
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  And what most people do is they kind of divvy it out.
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  I'll do this part of it, and you do this part of it, and they stop being really intentional
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  about feeding that connection, that passion, that intimacy.
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  They stop having hard conversations.
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  They stop asking for the things that they want from each other, and they just start feeling
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  disconnected.
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  And that is what roommate syndrome is describing.
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  It's like we both put our heads down, we get the work of life done, and we don't really make
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  an intentional effort to connect while we're doing it.
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  And I think this happens, like, my my professional observation is that this happens
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  to majority of couples unless they do something to stop it.
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  Do you see that in your work as well?
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  A thousand percent because we've been fed the lie that love is enough and that if, you know,
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  if you love each other enough, it'll just happen.
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  There's also added onto it the other lie that there will be time for our relationship later.
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  Right?
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  We're locked in.
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  We're married for you know, till death do us part.
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  And so when the kids are grown or when we make this amount of money or when we've reached this
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  level of success or whatever, there'll be time to work on the relationship.
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  And often, that's much, much, much too late.
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  And so you have to nurture and care for that relationship throughout your life together even
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  in the busy seasons, which is gonna feel never ending.
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  I promise.
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  And those busy seasons are so much better when you have a teammate to share it with.
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  And so, you know, the the reality is is that that passionate, intimate, loving relationship,
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  it's not gonna happen by accident, and it's not luck.
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  It's something that you intentionally choose to do every single moment of every single day.
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  So it sounds like then one of the things that you teach as far as what to do about it is
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  largely, like, what I hear in that is a level of prioritization and saying like, hey, even in
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  the busiest seasons of life, which, you know, will span for decades for most of us, even in
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  the busiest seasons of life, you are still making time.
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  This person still has a special place.
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  This person still gets attention.
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  Right?
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  Is that is that what we're saying here, and what beyond that really have you found to to
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  help prevent or heal roommate syndrome?
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  Yeah, so two things here.
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  The first one is I teach this principle called the 3% rule.
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  This is going to blow your mind, and I promise if you will do this intentionally, you will
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  stay connected even in the busiest seasons.
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  3% is all I'm asking.
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  So here's the cool thing about time.
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  Time is the great equalizer.
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  It doesn't matter how much money you make, how important your friends are, how much you can
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  bench press.
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  We all get the same exact amount of time.
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  Like, you can't buy more time.
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  You can't barter for it.
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  Legit, everybody gets twenty four hours in a day.
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  And so I've broken this down into less than 3% of your time will keep you connected throughout
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  your life or throughout your marriage.
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  Right?
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  So 3% of your day is twenty minutes out of the one thousand four hundred and forty minutes we
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  all get.
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  Thank you.
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  I was pulling out my calculator to do the math.
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  So Yeah.
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  Do it.
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  Do it.
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  It's so funny because I've been teaching this for a long time, and I did a podcast where the
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  host, like, loved numbers, and he was like, he's like, that's 3%.
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  I'm like, what?
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  3%, you guys.
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  So twenty minutes out of the 1,440 every single one of us gets in a day.
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  If you will commit to spending twenty minutes talking to your spouse, this can be first thing
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  when you wake up in the morning.
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  It can be after dinner.
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  You can go for a walk.
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  You can do it after you put the kids to bed.
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  I mean, it's literally twenty minutes, and you guard that time like tiger time.
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  You do not bring your bones into that time.
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  You don't discuss logistics.
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  This is a time where you get to know your spouse.
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  The Gottmans call this love maps.
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  So it's like really getting curious about what is your spouse learning about?
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  What are they thinking about during the day?
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  What gets them excited?
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  What stresses them out?
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  How can you support them in the things that they're dreaming about or thinking about?
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  You know, what books are you reading?
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  Who are your friends that you really enjoy talking to?
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  These types of questions where you really map your spouse's mind.
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  It takes twenty minutes, and you can both get some good time in in that twenty minutes.
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  So and these are you offered a a free gift to your to your listeners, and we'll tell you how
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  to do that at the end.
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  But this is where those 50 connecting questions really come into play.
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  If you'll ask one or two of these questions each day, it's amazing that you'll learn about
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  your spouse.
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  You could be married for decades and you still just didn't know some of these things.
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  And even if you at one point knew them, people change over time.
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  Right?
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  So it's like you could get a completely different answer in a couple of years than you
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  have now.
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  So these questions never ever expire.
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  So twenty minutes a day.
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  You add on top of that three hours a week.
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  We call this date night.
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  People get really you know, there's tons of people who have made complete platforms over
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  date night.
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  So you can there's tons of creative different ways you can do date nights.
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  They don't have to be expensive, elaborate, or far from home.
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  They just have to be intentional.
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  My husband and I have a rule.
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  Date night can slide around on the calendar.
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  We have four children.
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  We're about to have a grandchild.
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  So life gets busy, and sometimes the best laid plans, they get afforded, but we never erase.
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  So maybe somebody has a volleyball tournament that came up in the middle of date night, and
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  we have to move it around a little bit, but we never erase it.
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  This is three hours of doing something fun with your partner.
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  Get out.
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  Go for a walk.
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  Do a new find a new hobby to do together.
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  Find a new place to eat dinner.
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  Right?
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  There are so many different ways that don't have to be expensive or elaborate that are
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  intentional where you go, I care enough about this relationship to carve out this time to be
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  with you.
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  So that's three hours a week.
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  We have a hundred and sixty eight hours, everybody, in a week.
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  So that leaves a hundred and sixty five hours to do whatever you need to do.
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  Three of those hours need to be spent intentionally connecting with your partner.
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  And this is where I say date nights should lead to a lot of physical, emotional intimacy if you
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  do it right and you do it on purpose.
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  So this is a good time to do that.
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  And then one week out of the fifty two weeks in a year, you should get away.
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  Again, it doesn't have to be expensive, elaborate, or far from home.
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  This is the time where you go, you make each other your priority, you make arrangements so
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  that you don't have to worry about the kids or your business or the money or anything like
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  that.
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  You get to dream together.
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  You get to talk about what did this year look like for us?
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  What do we wanna keep doing more of?
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  What do we wanna explore in the next year?
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  How are we doing on our five year, ten year, twenty year plan?
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  Right?
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  This is really where you get sexy.
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  You get, you know, for you forecast.
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  You you plan.
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  This is like, these are the moments that, for me, I think about, like, what does it look like
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  to grow old with my spouse?
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  What's it gonna look like when it's just the two of us after our kids are all grown and have
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  their own lives?
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  And, like, it's it's a magical, magical time of year.
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  So, of course, anything you can add to that, more time is great, but I think only 3% of your
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  time is required to stay connected throughout your marriage.
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  Yeah.
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  I couldn't agree more, and I think one of the things that happens so much is that we just
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  think the longer we're with somebody, the more we know them.
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  So there's an, you know, an element where it's like, well, already know them.
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  I already heard all their stories.
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  You know, they tell the same five stories that are their favorite stories at every dinner
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  party with every new person.
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  Right?
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  It's so easy to just feel like we know them, and so we stop asking questions, and the more
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  we don't ask questions, the more we actually don't know them so much anymore.
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  And your, you know, your, your freebie is like is so useful.
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  My my partner and I do this all the time, the questions thing, and he like, we had date night
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  on Friday, one of the questions he asked me was if we were to both star together in a rom com,
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  which rom com would be our you know, the one we would do?
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  And and he chose Hitch and I chose, Christmas at Veil.
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  And but it you know, the point is it's like what it started was the conversation on why and
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  the conversation on, like, okay.
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  Well, like, where you know, what does this say about our marriage?
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  What would be fun?
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  Or all all these types of things.
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  Right?
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  And it's just you know, my point is that it's like all it takes is one question like that,
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  and like it didn't it's not like we were talking about that for the whole dinner.
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  That was maybe seven minutes of our dinner conversation, but what I find sometimes with
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  these questions is when they trigger the initial conversation, it actually leads then to
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  a whole different world of topics that you wouldn't have got into.
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  So, like, you know, your your freebie of the 50 questions, like, in my mind is not just about
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  the questions.
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  It's about starting conversations in a different way because then they open up this
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  door of exploring the other person and getting to know the other person in a way that you
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  wouldn't have otherwise.
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  So love everything you said.
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  Let's talk about I resentment want to take a quick break from our episode to say that if you
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  are finding that in your long term relationships, things are just not as
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  passionate, hot, or that you simply feel overwhelmed or do not have time to prioritize
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  sex, you are not alone.
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  It is so common that people start experiencing erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, boredom,
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  just a lack of communication or just a sheer not prioritizing intimacy, their love life, and
• 13:33
  more.
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  That's exactly why I created my Hot Monogamy Society where couples or individuals come to
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  learn more about how to bring passion and aliveness back into I want you to think about
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  what you want your relationship to look like in the next decade or two or three.
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  If you still make the same choices that you are making today in your relationship, are you
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  going to reach those goals?
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  If not, if you need support, that is what my society is for.
• 14:09
  You'll find links about how to join in the show notes.
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  It is completely private and you can join as a couple or as an individual to bring information
• 14:19
  back into your relationship, all found below in the show notes.
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  Now let's get back to our episode.
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  Oh, I I totally wanna get to resentment, I just wanna respond to the because everything you
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  said is right.
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  But I also wanna remind people that, like, even if you burn through all 50 questions, like,
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  let's say you ask all 50 questions and you're like, alright.
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  What now?
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  Can you imagine your answer to the what what sitcom would we you know, romantic comedy would
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  we be would we star in in your twenties versus your thirties versus your forties?
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  Right?
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  These questions, they're so good to, like, recycle them because your partner is changing
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  all the time, and it's so fun to get like, Esther Perel has this quote that she talks
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  about all the time that most of us get most of us experience three or four great loves or
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  marriages in our lifetime, some of us to the same people.
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  Right?
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  And so if you think about it, I there's no way I would answer those questions the same way
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  twenty five years ago as I would answer them now.
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  And so, yes, having those in your toolbox is amazing.
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  Yes.
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  Super, super helpful stuff for keeping things interesting in the relationship.
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  So let's talk now, if you would, about resentment.
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  Yes.
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  Because I know that's a theme in your work.
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  I love this Me too.
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  Me too.
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  And what you've seen, like, what ways I think there's common ways that people think of.
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  Right?
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  The obvious things around, somebody cheated or somebody didn't keep their word or somebody
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  lied.
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  From a standpoint of trauma, there's the big t traumas that cause resentment.
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  But I think a lot of times we're not talking as much as like the little t traumas.
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  Right?
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  The things that are like, you know what?
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  That's not that big of a deal.
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  I'm just not going to bring it up.
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  So what do you see in your work from even like the little t traumas of the relationship as far
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  as resentment?
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  Like, how does it build up?
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  How do we prevent it?
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  How do we clear it when, you know, when it happens?
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  Can you kinda riff off some of that?
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  Yeah.
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  Absolutely.
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  The the first thing I would say about resentment is it has a big charge to it, like
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  the big r.
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  Definitely, I I I used to say all the time, resentment is where intimacy goes to die.
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  Like, as soon as you start have feeling resentment, you no longer, like, really wanna
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  be get close to this person anymore.
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  But resentment is everywhere, so I wanna take the charge out of that word.
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  It's not a big scary word.
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  Resentment is like an indicator light on the dashboard of your car.
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  All it means is that something needs attention, but the longer you leave that light on, the
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  more, like, expensive, if you think about it this way, that, that maintenance is going to
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  be.
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  So if you go and get your oil change the minute that indication light comes on, great.
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  Like, it's an oil change.
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  If you wait too long, your engine could start to, like, smoke or overheat, blow up.
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  Like, heaven forbid, you don't have any oil, you know, left, and so your engine, like, burns
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  out.
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  Right?
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  Same thing with, like, the tires.
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  Like, if that indication light comes on and you're like, oh, my the tires need air.
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  So let's go put some air in the tire.
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  That's gonna be a much easier fix than if you wait until your tire blows on the highway.
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  Then you're in a great deal of trouble.
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  Right?
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  So if we think about resentment as just something in your marriage needs attention,
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  Maybe it's time to have a hard conversation.
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  Maybe it's time to ask for something that you haven't, you know, that maybe you feel you've
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  been compromising or giving up or sacrificing.
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  And so maybe it's time to ask your partner to do something.
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  I mean, resentment can start as small as you're frustrated with the way your partner loads the
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  toilet paper on the roll.
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  It could be as big as, you know, not having rituals like kissing each other when you leave
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  the house or I mean, it could it could indicate that there's, like, full blown disconnection.
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  So all I want you to do is think about resentment as a little indicator light on the
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  dashboard.
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  If you pay attention to it immediately, it's going to be a lot less costly than if you leave
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  it on for a very long time, ignore it, and let the problem just keep compounding.
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  So that's the first thing I would teach about resentment.
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  It really isn't scary.
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  It's just like something needs attention.
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  And if you feel it out and think about, like, what is missing?
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  What am I actually looking for?
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  What is there a need, a desire, something inside that I haven't asked for or made clear
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  to my partner?
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  That's where I would start.
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  And then marriage is all about skills.
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  So I would have you so here's, like we'll do another, like, link to my book, if you will.
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  People love to say don't sweat the small stuff.
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  And I like to say, absolutely sweat the small stuff.
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  Address the small stuff skillfully before it becomes the big stuff.
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  So just like I'm talking about, if you're feeling a small amount resentment in your life,
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  let's get the skills to deal with it skillfully before it sucks out all of the generosity and
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  passion and intimacy and love that you're feeling for your partner.
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  So absolutely sweat the small stuff.
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  Yeah.
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  I absolutely love that so much because the analogy I often use is the small stuff is
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  almost like these little tiny holes in our love boat, and one little small hole, alright, your
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  boat's probably gonna be fine.
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  Right?
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  Your love is gonna probably be fine.
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  But I think what happens is we have all these little like holes in the boat and it's like
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  this small thing here that we don't mention and that small thing here.
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  And eventually we just have enough holes in our romantic love boat that the boat winds up
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  sinking.
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  And You're taking on too much water, yes.
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  Correct.
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  Exactly.
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  Exactly.
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  I love to frame this up.
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  Yes.
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  It takes skills to patch up those little holes.
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  And so a lot of times, it's like, how do I learn how to skillfully start a hard
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  conversation?
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  How do I learn how to skillfully ask for something I desire?
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  How do I skillfully ask for support in finding some more me time or chasing a dream I've been
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  thinking about or, you know, having a tough conversation about the annoying way in which
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  you chew your food or leave your towels on the ground or whatever.
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  Right?
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  So, like, there's so many so so, yeah, if you just come in guns blazing, like, I'm pissed
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  about this, you're probably not gonna get the the same results as if you go, okay.
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  Resentment is leading me to this thing that I I guess I I maybe I've been sacrificing for a
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  long time my desire to go back to school and, you know, learn this thing and maybe start a
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  business, and how can I skillfully bring up to my partner that I would really like to explore
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  this and I would love your support in doing so?
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  I realize it's gonna ask more from our family, from, you know, our resources, whether
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  financially or energetically or otherwise, but I really like to give this a shot.
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  Now that's a much more skillful way to address that and patch that hole in the boat so that
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  you're not taking on so much water waiting years and years and years to share this with
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  your partner.
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  I love it and such good advice, and I know we could talk all day, but I want to respect your
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  time and remind our listeners that you can always work with Monica, and we're gonna have
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  information below on how to do that.
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  Also, you can get her book, which is called Bad Marriage Advice, and that is another way to
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  continue this conversation and learn from Monica very easily.
• 22:52
  And then of course, you have your freebie that you had mentioned, but please do mention it
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  again if you would.
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  Yes.
• 22:58
  So it's 50 connecting conversation starters.
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  So really, it's just like 50 of my favorite questions.
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  Again, it's like this idea of if you were given a million dollars today, how would you spend
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  it?
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  It's just a really fun way to start a conversation and learn something about your
• 23:15
  spouse you might not have known before.
• 23:17
  And don't get trapped into thinking that you already know the answer because I guarantee
• 23:22
  that my answer from five years ago is vastly different than if you asked me today.
• 23:28
  So it's just really fun ways to, you know, feel connected and and increase that emotional
• 23:34
  intimacy in your marriage.
• 23:36
  Amazing.
• 23:37
  And we'll have all of that in the show notes.
• 23:39
  Remember, as always, if you're interested in joining us for additional expert guests and a
• 23:43
  year long program on how to improve your marriage, you can join our Hot Monogamy Club
• 23:47
  also below.
• 23:49
  And please do subscribe.
• 23:50
  We have more expert guests coming up.
• 23:52
  We have Doctor.
• 23:53
  Jessica Higgins coming up soon.
• 23:54
  We're gonna talk with her a lot about conflict and how to resolve conflicts in marriage.
• 23:59
  So I do hope you will check out Monica and her free gift and all of her great work and her
• 24:04
  book.
• 24:05
  And thank you Monica for being here with me and I will see you all again real soon.
• 24:13
  Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
• 24:16
  Please don't keep me a secret.
• 24:17
  Please share this with your friends.
• 24:19
  You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.