Latest / None of Your Business Podcast / Why Love Alone Is Destroying Kids with Rabbi Ezra Max

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Why Love Alone Is Destroying Kids with Rabbi Ezra Max · None of Your Business Podcast

• 0:00
  We should talk about shadows, what dark and light.
• 0:03
  Everything has an opposite side, we think in contrast.
• 0:07
  OK. Everything that we process
• 0:09
  happens in contrast. What did you just sit on?
• 0:12
  I want to know more than. Anything a little sticky note as
• 0:15
  I was driving and since we have such a great plan and schedule
• 0:19
  for what we're talking about today.
• 0:20
  Which is the most amazing? Plan emergence.
• 0:26
  So I was just like, what's what's the download?
• 0:29
  What's happening? So I was just scribbling some
• 0:32
  things. And so that's why there aren't
• 0:34
  messy sticky notes. And can you share with me what
• 0:36
  you scribbled? It won't make sense.
• 0:37
  I I. Like it I want to hear.
• 0:39
  Does does this make sense? What did you say?
• 0:43
  Let me does this make sense? Sometimes a blank.
• 0:46
  Page is what you need. Right.
• 0:47
  This is this is where we're starting from.
• 0:49
  This is where we're ending. Wait, hold on.
• 0:52
  This is this way. This is going to be a mainstay
• 0:57
  of what we talked I. DDEC.
• 0:59
  BEHB, Ezra Hashem. OK.
• 1:05
  And, and I'm going to borrow the pen that you're getting later.
• 1:07
  This is your pen. Remind me to give it to you.
• 1:09
  OK. You're pairing a lot of gifts.
• 1:10
  Today it comes together with that journal that was sent by
• 1:12
  the person who referred me to your show.
• 1:16
  Oh, that's right, Phalli Klein. Thank you again, Phalli.
• 1:19
  That this is how we got to start there, which again.
• 1:23
  We got to start here and the vessel.
• 1:24
  Journal that you heard about that we we could we start this
• 1:28
  is a weird way to start this but you hear that stuff dark and
• 1:33
  white Oh this is going to go sideways fast wait hold on I
• 1:36
  might need that pen Can I borrow your pen please take my pen.
• 1:38
  You can take the pen off my hand and the shirt off my back.
• 1:41
  The shirt off your back you can keep.
• 1:42
  Yes, thank you. But you're that kind of guy who
• 1:45
  would give the shirt off your back actually.
• 1:47
  So Michael, we, we have been talking about this show for
• 1:51
  since you surprised me in the car a couple of months ago.
• 1:54
  Right when Sally Klein recommended you hold on before
• 1:57
  we go, let me start. Welcome back everybody to
• 2:03
  another ongoing episode of the None of Your Busy podcast.
• 2:07
  I say ongoing because we have this process where people
• 2:10
  recommend people and when those people come on, that's an
• 2:14
  ongoing. It's like a chain reaction and I
• 2:17
  love it. An ongoing, uplifting,
• 2:19
  inspiring, learning, growth oriented podcast.
• 2:23
  Thank you guys for subscribing. Thank you for your comments.
• 2:26
  Thank you for your feedback and for being a part of our journey.
• 2:30
  We really appreciate it. Thank you to the Prime Source
• 2:32
  production team and again, I really appreciate you being
• 2:36
  here. Rob, Ezra, Max, everybody is in
• 2:38
  the house. Recommended by Sally Klein, the
• 2:42
  breathwork guru of all gurus who's spoken so much about
• 2:46
  healthier living and perseverance and, you know,
• 2:50
  overcoming challenges. And her recommendation was you.
• 2:54
  And I'm so happy that you're here.
• 2:56
  So welcome to the program. Thank you for having me and
• 2:58
  thank you for the recommendation.
• 3:00
  The five life forces is what breath when you talk about
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  breath. Yeah, and and folly Klein breath
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  Azamra breath work is the song of life.
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  Breath is the song of life because without breath, we're
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  not alive. And most of us feel like we
• 3:17
  can't breathe all the time. And we use expressions like I
• 3:23
  can't breathe, I'm choking, I'm choked.
• 3:26
  The stress that's going on in the world right now as we speak,
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  the phone calls that I was on a little bit earlier to people in
• 3:33
  our trial who are just holding their breath.
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  Being able to tap in and recognize that the greatest
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  resource that we require to live, which is also free, the
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  freest resource is the thing we struggle with the most.
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  We struggle to appreciate it, We struggle to value it until we
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  don't have it and we struggle to understand it.
• 4:00
  And as Armor, Breathwork was created to help people tap into
• 4:03
  their breath, tap into their neshama and re engage in a very
• 4:11
  profound way with the five life forces which all intersect with
• 4:14
  each other. And that's really one of the
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  cornerstones of of the work that she's doing and bringing forward
• 4:20
  into the world, which I think are is super important. 55 life
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  forces, which is. I think you have to have her
• 4:28
  back on the show that her. Explained just is there a way to
• 4:30
  do it in the summary in one sentence 5 Thank you breath OK
• 4:34
  God. Food procreation.
• 4:39
  I forgot the 5th. I guess we'll.
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  Have her. I'll get there.
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  There you go. You can always leave.
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  Have to leave A Yeah. Exactly, Fally, we need you.
• 4:48
  You know, you're getting right into it and I love it.
• 4:50
  And I'll, I'll put a teaser out there that I'm going to get a
• 4:56
  little bit vulnerable in this conversation with you simply
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  because I don't have a choice. I, you know, if I'm going to be
• 5:02
  transparent and vulnerable and I'm going to expect that from
• 5:04
  other people, and then I have to do that myself as well.
• 5:06
  Try and trigger me that I need to be vulnerable on your show.
• 5:09
  Not. Another show with vulnerability.
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  No, no, no, not at all. I'm not.
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  You could do whatever you want. But what I'm saying is that in
• 5:15
  general, I'd like to live a life of people around me that are
• 5:18
  vulnerable, transparent, you know, real, real speak their
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  emotions and so on. And I was on a plane yesterday
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  and this woman sitting next to me is like, I didn't get any
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  sleep last night. I, I went to the two in the
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  morning and, and every all she spoke about were her problems,
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  literally. And I was like this.
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  I thank God, the fights almost over.
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  You know, I feel like that sometimes with people around me
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  on a daily basis, but I stay away from it.
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  And you and I have been talking since Valley recommended you to
• 5:47
  get you on the program. It's been challenging.
• 5:51
  And then when I spoke to you a couple of weeks ago, I actually
• 5:54
  told this to the CEO of Atala last episode.
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  I told him that I had to call Hatsala and I only remembered
• 6:02
  the Brooklyn number. And it took them way too long to
• 6:05
  get someone to come to me. And I was very frustrated.
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  And I hung up on you because I experienced what's known as a
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  panic attack. And I'm not going to get into it
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  right this second, but I do want to open up about it a little bit
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  because it's part of my life. I experienced it.
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  And for anyone who is worried about experiencing it or has
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  experienced something like it, I do want to talk about it.
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  And God brought us together on that phone call for a reason.
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  I experienced it while I was talking to you for a reason.
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  And you know, you help me understand that you can work
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  through these types of things. And I would love to uncover what
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  the heck you meant when you said that.
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  You're like, are you OK? You're OK, OK, good.
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  But I want to talk to you about how.
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  I I could have. Walked you through it like,
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  dude, let me get Hatsala here, take my blood pressure and I'll
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  talk to you soon. Don't tell me how to, you know,
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  breakdown my panic attack while I'm on the phone with you.
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  Although you think you could have done it.
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  And I'd like to hear, you know how you think you could have
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  done it. But before we do that and I will
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  get back to it, who are you? Where are you from?
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  I got to know you at a camp base, an army camp base in North
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  Carolina on a Shabbatone that we spent together the.
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  Largest Army base in America. We spent the delightful Shabbos
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  there. Tell the audience about what is
• 7:20
  Fort Bragg and and Fort. Bragg is is the largest Army
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  base in America. They changed the name while we
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  were there. The commander came and spoke to
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  us, Mata Chalas, and was talking about the name change which I
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  don't I remember not being thrilled with.
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  I thought it was more Democratic woke than than true to its
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  roots. I was hoping we'd get to jump
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  out of a helicopter, but we didn't get to do that.
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  That I was looking forward to repelling down from the the
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  troop carrier because the paratroopers.
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  I feel like after the class that you gave, I emotionally jumped
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  out of a helicopter. We'll get to that.
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  Remind me you gave a class? Yeah.
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  Oh, oh, yes, yes. With the sure, with the Special
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  Forces guy who the Special Forces medic who was there, who,
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  who was becoming from and going to medical school.
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  Yeah, so there were a lot of chaplains there, and it was a
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  very special shot by the time I got to meet the guy that was the
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  first rider for High Lifeline. Yes, David.
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  And he was an amazing human being and we had a lot of
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  interesting people. And it was 3.
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  We saw all the the the the exploded, unexploded ordinance.
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  We were in what EOD stands for something bomb disposal, fancy
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  word. And we went into their warehouse
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  where they have all these labeled.
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  Do you remember that all these, this isn't Israeli stuff, this
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  is Iranian stuff, this is Iraqi stuff.
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  This is do you remember? I wasn't there for that moment.
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  I was probably playing guitar waiting for Travis to come in.
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  So tell me about it. We went to the EOD training
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  room, and then on the side there was a closet.
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  It wasn't a closet. It was this big huge conference
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  room with racks and racks and rows of stuff.
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  And I asked the fellow outside, Do you mind if I just browse?
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  He's like, do not touch anything.
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  I'm like, sure. And so there's pallet racks of
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  all kinds of ordnance that they have to diffuse and that they
• 9:00
  use for to understand some mortar shells, small, big,
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  medium. You get the small, medium and
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  large. And then labeled by different
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  countries where it comes from, fascinating.
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  Different types, old, new, because anything that can
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  explode, anything that can go boom, these guys get called in
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  to make sure it doesn't happen in an uncontrolled way.
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  Right, right. Which is pretty cool.
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  So we met there and that we connected.
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  There was a beautiful Shabbos and I didn't really get to know
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  you. I know that you gave a class and
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  the class was interesting. You were like, you know, you,
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  you got to pay attention the whole time and it was difficult
• 9:33
  for us, but you made sure to do it in under 30 minutes, which I
• 9:35
  appreciated. Oh, you don't know what time it
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  was. They told me 22 minutes is the
• 9:38
  longest attention span you're going to get.
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  Try to get it done in under 20. I said I'm going to do it in 30
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  and if they're still paying attention, I'll go for a few
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  more. And there was a negotiation.
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  And so in the end, we there was time before.
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  Who told you this? The organized 'cause there was a
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  suit that coming and there was something going on.
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  And so there was exactly 40 minutes and at 39 minutes on the
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  clock and the big clock in the back, I was like, OK, I'm done.
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  And besides the three guys sleeping, people were like keep
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  going, keep going, keep going, keep going.
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  You're a middle. I'm like I am but.
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  No one knows though. There were only 5 people there.
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  Not only. 5 right besides the only five listening.
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  Yeah, yeah. Ezra, So tell me, who are you?
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  Where are you from? Where did you grow up?
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  Where are your parents from? What was it like growing up for
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  you? How did you get into this world
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  of coaching and breathing? And, you know, and, and, and
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  just in one sentence, if you, if you had to say I'm not a
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  celebrity, I'm not a guy that wants to, you know, jump out,
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  you know, and let everybody know who I am.
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  But, but if I had to tell people who I am, I would say the
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  following. What would that be?
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  I. Want to start with, do you know
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  how camera shy I am? I'm, I'm still looking at the
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  camera and the lights and, and, and seeing the glare.
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  Since I'm very little, you would think I, I would have figured
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  this out. And then I spent 4 hours on a
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  interview with somebody trying to say who is, define who is
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  Ezra Max and we still didn't answer the question.
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  So I'm going to attempt in a sentence or two to, to give you
• 11:00
  some context. My parents are immigrants.
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  My father was born and you were. Shall I am.
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  And sometimes we say he's a Palestinian.
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  My mother was born in Canada. They both came to, they ended up
• 11:14
  in America, and rubber and Blumenkrans, that's all, was
• 11:18
  their shotgun. And my father would cover the
• 11:21
  sheer when he wasn't giving the sheer.
• 11:22
  My mother would attend this year and he knew that.
• 11:25
  For those of us that don't know, who was that?
• 11:27
  That pays off book right before pays off the pays off book the
• 11:30
  the original pays off Digest was one of his big projects and my
• 11:37
  father became a rebbie in Heinberlin before I was born.
• 11:40
  So I grew up in the Heinberlin ecosystem and if there was one
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  thing I wasn't going to be was a rebbie and I shot him all the
• 11:48
  plans for me. I went out to work and on
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  September 11, O1 terrorism is a is a talk of the town today.
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  I was an EMT responding to the towers, but I stopped to put on
• 12:01
  my toilet, say creation Ma before I left that morning.
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  I was on the way to shul. I went back, whatever it was, my
• 12:06
  partner was waiting to go. He's like, you can't dive in
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  now. We got to go.
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  I'm like, Nope, I'm going to dive in and then we're going to
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  go. And his vehicle got hit by
• 12:15
  debris coming down from the the towers.
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  I was a few cars behind and and I'm PTSI because I put the PTSDA
• 12:22
  post traumatic incident versus a post traumatic disorder.
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  I had a total meltdown when it occurred to me that I was
• 12:29
  seconds away from death that day.
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  I'm not putting on to fall in and saying creation Ma was the
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  difference between being here, sitting with you, or being gone.
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  And then I needed to answer a much bigger question of what am
• 12:47
  I doing in this planet? What is my purpose?
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  What is my top kid? What, why?
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  Why am I here? Not from a place of survivor
• 12:54
  guilt, but from a place of meaning, purpose,
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  intentionality. And so I, I found myself, I, I
• 13:01
  went to the Kaisel for three days.
• 13:02
  I stayed for 10, really trying to understand what is it that
• 13:06
  I'm supposed to be doing here? And there was a catalyst for
• 13:11
  leaving corporate leaving the the work I was doing and
• 13:14
  doubling down on working with struggling youth and teens,
• 13:18
  maybe before it was popular. What were you doing then?
• 13:21
  Corporate sales, Telecom. I I was regional sales for a
• 13:26
  British company with AUS presidents.
• 13:28
  So you're a corporate sales guy and you're an EMT and this
• 13:31
  starts to change your life. You go to the Kotel for over a
• 13:33
  week just. Dominant, like Hashem.
• 13:35
  What do you want for my life? And if you're not going to just
• 13:38
  tell me, flat out give me a clue.
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  I was very. What's the word?
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  I was very conscientious about being conscientious before I had
• 13:50
  ways to describe what that was. It was very clear to me that
• 13:54
  nothing is by chance. There's something that I need to
• 13:57
  be doing and how can I figure out what that is?
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  There was a core identity piece that was shifting and that I
• 14:04
  needed to give definition and that I had some agency over but
• 14:09
  I didn't have access to. I had talent, skills and
• 14:14
  abilities and trauma upon trauma.
• 14:16
  So dyslexic, ADHD, rambunctious school was relatively traumatic
• 14:22
  to me. I don't learn.
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  Traditionally, the way most people sit down and and memorize
• 14:27
  that my memory is not a typical memory.
• 14:29
  I remember incredible amounts of data in different ways.
• 14:32
  I remember people, I remember stories.
• 14:34
  Names, not so much. So I can meet somebody 10 years
• 14:37
  later, 20 years later, and remember key components of their
• 14:41
  life without knowing their name. And if they've been around me
• 14:43
  for a little bit, they know. I probably don't remember their
• 14:46
  name, but I know the inflection points of their life because
• 14:50
  that's what matters. And when I realized that that's
• 14:53
  what matters to me, it became apparent that I needed to be
• 14:56
  doing something with that. It was one of those.
• 15:01
  It's the thing that's so obvious once you see it, but you don't
• 15:03
  see it until it becomes obvious. And as I told the client
• 15:06
  yesterday or day before, I said it feels so strongly that
• 15:10
  there's it, it I, I used feel and cite in the same sentence
• 15:15
  and it doesn't make sense. You can feel that something
• 15:18
  obvious is happening in the world right now.
• 15:21
  There's a tectonic shift. There's a massive change
• 15:25
  happening in the world. You can feel it, but you can't
• 15:28
  really see what it is yet. And when it becomes obvious,
• 15:31
  it's going to be duh. And that happens in our lives
• 15:35
  subtly all the time in what we're doing and who we're doing
• 15:39
  it with, in our relationships and how we do it within those
• 15:42
  relationships. Because we are relation
• 15:44
  relational beings. We most of what we do happens in
• 15:47
  relationship. There's the yakhad and then
• 15:49
  there's the seabird, there's the individual and the group, the
• 15:51
  collective. And so when individuals are
• 15:58
  struggling, stressed, needing something under pressure, it's
• 16:07
  an opportunity for change. It's an opportunity for
• 16:11
  movement. When the community struggles,
• 16:15
  it's because the individuals it's, it's interdependencies.
• 16:18
  As a parent, we're only as happy as our saddest child.
• 16:23
  You, you can't be more happy than your saddest child because
• 16:26
  you're your kid is part of you, interdependent with you.
• 16:31
  So I'm, I'm, I'm going to that on purpose because I probably
• 16:37
  was the one who certainly in the firm world who invented coaching
• 16:40
  for teens. I had done coaching in the, in
• 16:43
  the corporate world. My, my role was to meet with
• 16:46
  sales teams in the telecom space and have them adapt to new
• 16:49
  technology. At that point it was called IP
• 16:50
  telephony. It was the beginning of what we
• 16:52
  call voice over IP. So in the cutting edge, what we,
• 16:55
  what some people would have called vaporware, which is
• 16:58
  basically 2 tin cans with a string in between.
• 16:59
  You make believe that smoke is happening and there's magic.
• 17:02
  That was a joke how the engineers would would say you
• 17:04
  just make a box with lights on it and convince people to invest
• 17:06
  $1,000,000 in in an idea. That was sort of the chatter in
• 17:11
  the in the telecom community. But really that's what was
• 17:14
  happening. It was the infancy of the
• 17:16
  Internet and using the Internet for phone calls, which today
• 17:20
  most phone calls probably happen.
• 17:21
  More happens over Ethernet than happens over copper.
• 17:24
  I'm getting technical, but actually I saw it as a microcosm
• 17:29
  for understanding God consciousness.
• 17:33
  Hashem's everywhere. You just can't see him unless
• 17:36
  you know to look for him. You're always tapped in.
• 17:40
  You know, neshama is never not tapped in.
• 17:42
  If it's not, you're dead. And even then, it is just
• 17:45
  differently. So this body that we're in, this
• 17:48
  existence that we're in is a housing, is a container for the
• 17:52
  neshama. And then we have these
• 17:54
  struggles, stressors, challenges to help us identify where we
• 18:00
  can, I want to say breathe, but we can stretch and find that
• 18:04
  breath. That was not a one minute, 1
• 18:09
  sentence. Who was Ezra?
• 18:10
  That does make sense though. But I want to go back to the the
• 18:13
  part that made you in terms of you mention a comment before.
• 18:16
  I know our place in Brooklyn existed for a number of years.
• 18:19
  Sunny Pearlman. And you know many different
• 18:23
  people in that world. I know I work with them.
• 18:25
  When you were saying in the beginning is at that era before
• 18:28
  our place. You talking the beginning of our
• 18:29
  place In the beginning of our the beginning of our place,
• 18:31
  right? I was that's when you started
• 18:33
  early volunteer. Then there was a place called
• 18:35
  Judas place, which was for kids who had gone to rehab and then
• 18:38
  were coming back from rehab, but couldn't go back to our place,
• 18:40
  right. And so I don't know if you
• 18:42
  remember Yasi or what's sure. So Yasi and I sort of took a a
• 18:47
  project to see how we can move. It became the living room.
• 18:50
  Menachem Pasnansky, who everybody knows and and Kiwi
• 18:53
  Pearlman were coming out of social work school and we hired
• 18:56
  them to to come in and and bring a level of integration between a
• 19:04
  Torah perspective, 12 step and actually raising up the quality
• 19:09
  and caliber of how we help these the youth move forward.
• 19:13
  It's just funny because you mentioned that as that's a huge
• 19:15
  part of your journey, that you connected there with that.
• 19:19
  Journey. I I I I'm almost allergic to how
• 19:21
  it's used today. Journey.
• 19:22
  You don't like the word journey? No, it's fine.
• 19:24
  Can you pick another word for what I just said?
• 19:25
  Process throughout your process? Nah, stop it.
• 19:31
  Throughout your journey, throughout my experience,
• 19:33
  throughout your experiences of growing you, you mentioned a
• 19:36
  minute ago that you, you, you spent a lot of time and energy
• 19:39
  and you got somehow connected to the youth and the, the risks of
• 19:43
  youth. So I, I'm just curious, what did
• 19:46
  you learn from that You went through that process?
• 19:47
  I'm sure that's been a lot for you.
• 19:49
  That's awesome. As a parent, what can I learn
• 19:52
  from all your experiences that you went through and seeing so
• 19:55
  many, how many boys do you know and girls that you know that
• 19:59
  took their own life? Is it more than one?
• 20:03
  I have a interesting just statistic for you, please.
• 20:06
  And I used to speak about this for years in I have to be
• 20:11
  careful what I'm about to say because I'm saying this on a
• 20:14
  public forum, which has to be held with trepidation and
• 20:21
  understanding that what I'm about to say can be
• 20:24
  misunderstood. So there's a lot.
• 20:27
  Just say it. It'll be misunderstood anyways.
• 20:29
  We don't care, just say it. Somebody will.
• 20:33
  I want to make sure I'm doing it respectfully and I understand.
• 20:35
  I get it. The number of kids who either
• 20:41
  died and or maybe have taken their own life was very, very
• 20:46
  small compared to the averages in that demographic.
• 20:50
  Let me explain what I mean by that.
• 20:52
  There are averages. There are categories of people,
• 20:59
  psychographics, if you will, dynamics, teenagers using drugs
• 21:05
  who are in the world of depression and have been through
• 21:09
  traumas and are at a very high likelihood of trying to escape.
• 21:14
  And most of them actually don't want to be dead.
• 21:16
  They just want to get away from the pain, which is why they're
• 21:18
  using drugs. They're not drug addicts.
• 21:22
  They are kids in pain. But I want to be careful how I
• 21:26
  say this because if we cater to the pain and we cater to the
• 21:30
  dysfunction, we create more of it and more kids die.
• 21:34
  So very few in the grand scheme of things actually are not here
• 21:39
  anymore. In fact, almost all of them are
• 21:42
  still here. I do know some who are not here
• 21:44
  anymore, but I didn't work with them or I only knew them
• 21:48
  tangentially. And there's one young man who
• 21:51
  was married who ended up relapsing and going to rehab and
• 21:55
  then overdosing. And I sat with Menachem and I
• 22:00
  was so upset. I had been upset with Menachem
• 22:03
  for, for how we were doing the intervention with him, but sort
• 22:07
  of tangentially because he had already moved on and wasn't
• 22:09
  really part of it. And the the punchline is he
• 22:16
  probably did not realize that after having been away and been
• 22:19
  away from drugs and in rehab and then away from drugs, when he
• 22:22
  came back and used or whatever he used, he, A, probably did not
• 22:25
  know what he took and B, did not know what his body could handle.
• 22:28
  I don't think he wanted to die. I believe he wanted to live.
• 22:34
  And that's the worst tragedy because in the escape from the
• 22:37
  pain, the cost of that is death. And this idea that we enable
• 22:42
  them to use more drugs, to be more dysfunctional, to encourage
• 22:48
  bad behavior as a way to truck them into relationship is
• 22:53
  bizarre, in fact, counterproductive.
• 22:55
  And I'll prove it with a business model.
• 23:01
  In your business, if you had a key employee who was
• 23:03
  dysfunctional and doing dysfunctional things, but they
• 23:06
  had a key job, would you encourage them to be more
• 23:09
  dysfunctional in order to do their job better?
• 23:11
  Or would you say we're going to replace you?
• 23:14
  You'd replace them, but I can't replace the kid.
• 23:17
  You're right, you can't. So you have to find a way to
• 23:21
  connect with them more meaningfully.
• 23:23
  Meaningful relation, meaningful relationship can only be built
• 23:28
  on an honest core. It cannot be built on
• 23:31
  dishonesty. So you'll say, yeah, but there
• 23:33
  was trauma that influenced their ability to function.
• 23:37
  There's trauma that that that hampers their ability to think
• 23:41
  straight. There's trauma that's
• 23:43
  influencing their choices and decisions.
• 23:45
  Yes, that is true. So let's help them repair all.
• 23:50
  Right, let's break this down for a minute.
• 23:51
  I'm sorry, it's a topic. It's a topic I know pretty well.
• 23:56
  I know over a dozen boys and girls that ended up.
• 24:00
  Not here anymore. Not they're not here anymore.
• 24:02
  It's the best, most sensitive way to say it.
• 24:04
  I have to tell you that all of them I knew did not want to
• 24:09
  leave this world and they were in pain.
• 24:10
  And I am agreeing with what you're saying.
• 24:12
  So. So let's just put the framework
• 24:15
  together for a second. You see a teenager in pain help
• 24:19
  make meaningful relationships. You you hear about a story that
• 24:23
  someone you know took their own life.
• 24:25
  They're not with us anymore. Understand that they were in
• 24:28
  tremendous pain. There was trauma or mental abuse
• 24:32
  or a mental illness or whatever it is.
• 24:35
  I get that we're on the same page as far as that's concerned.
• 24:38
  You mentioned the word though, before that triggered me and I'm
• 24:41
  curious about it as and that is that you don't want to enable
• 24:45
  them. You're making a comparison to
• 24:47
  employees. It's challenging a little bit
• 24:50
  because as a parent, I think that, you know, we don't run our
• 24:54
  families as a business. We run it as I'm going to get
• 24:58
  angry and no one else in the world is going to know about it
• 25:00
  other than my children because I don't get angry in public.
• 25:04
  I only get angry internally. So the relationship that I'm
• 25:07
  trying to build with my child is so difficult because he sees the
• 25:10
  real raw, sometimes potentially terrible me.
• 25:14
  No one else sees it. Therefore, it's difficult to
• 25:16
  compare it to running it as a business.
• 25:17
  But I understand what the nuance of what you're trying to say in
• 25:20
  that regard. And therefore, I want to go back
• 25:22
  to it and ask you, when you say enabling, do you mean the
• 25:26
  concept of just show love and just continue to support all
• 25:32
  their craziness? And I'm talking about a child.
• 25:34
  And I want to pick up on what you've learnt from years and
• 25:37
  years and years of dealing with this and making a comment like
• 25:40
  not under my watch, it didn't happen.
• 25:42
  And I appreciate you saying that.
• 25:45
  Can you teach us as parents, what is it that we can learn
• 25:48
  from your experience to not enable?
• 25:51
  And what does it mean to enable? And also the philosophy in
• 25:55
  general that has been brought up so many times of just be a yes
• 25:58
  person, say yes to everything, shower them with love.
• 26:01
  As long as they know that you love them is the concept, then
• 26:04
  they'll come back to you. So can you break that down for a
• 26:07
  minute? Yes, I think there's three
• 26:09
  questions and I want to start with the story within within
• 26:13
  your comment, there's three questions and I will, I'll break
• 26:16
  them down in a moment. I want to start with the story.
• 26:18
  About a year ago I was working with a gentleman who runs a
• 26:21
  small business and he asked me to help him get past the
• 26:28
  ceiling. He kept heading, which is again.
• 26:31
  Most of my work today is more executive oriented or from
• 26:34
  founder oriented people who are either a solopreneur trying to
• 26:37
  scale with some helpers or a large company with hundreds of
• 26:41
  employees. It could be anywhere in the
• 26:43
  middle. So I'm sorry, I'm sorry to do
• 26:44
  this to you, but pause for a second.
• 26:45
  So you're an executive coach, executive lifestyle coach for
• 26:50
  people who own businesses and want to grow, right?
• 26:52
  OK, good. Go ahead.
• 26:54
  So. The engagement was to help him
• 26:57
  get past his own roadblock, whatever that roadblock is.
• 27:03
  And we all have roadblocks. We all, we call them whatever
• 27:05
  you want. We all have trauma, we all have
• 27:06
  impostor syndrome. We all, we're all trying to
• 27:08
  strive for more. And that is stressing our
• 27:11
  existing belief about who we are to the core of our being.
• 27:14
  And the more we're striving for more, the more it's testing our
• 27:18
  metal. What was that roadblock?
• 27:19
  Can you share like just give an example?
• 27:21
  Of what it could have been, one had to do breaking a certain
• 27:24
  cycle pattern of top line growth.
• 27:27
  He couldn't get past a certain number #1 #2 the system kept
• 27:31
  breaking. Every time he would get to a
• 27:32
  certain thing, he self destruct my translation of what was going
• 27:37
  on. OK, it's not how he described
• 27:38
  it. His translation, I'm curious.
• 27:40
  His translation was I need to get past this thing.
• 27:42
  I keep getting here and then falling off the thing.
• 27:43
  I keep getting here and I fall off the thing.
• 27:45
  So I'm having a difficult time scaling and growing my business
• 27:47
  because something's wrong every time I reach a success, OK.
• 27:50
  So we're working together for some time, whatever it was,
• 27:54
  let's let's call it a month or two.
• 27:56
  I, I know. So my my style of working with
• 27:59
  someone is not just looking at the symptom of what's going on,
• 28:02
  which is part of the answer to your question, which is why I'm
• 28:04
  using the story. It's about seeing the symptom
• 28:06
  but understanding what's the core issue that needs to be
• 28:09
  addressed and then addressing that core issue.
• 28:11
  OK, so tell us what happened here.
• 28:13
  I got a phone call from him one night and he's like listen can I
• 28:15
  get my my wife on the phone? It's not about my business it's
• 28:18
  about one of my kids. Now if that only happened to me
• 28:22
  once I would have been shocked but it happens to me all the
• 28:24
  time so sure. And he knows my history and
• 28:27
  experience. So we got on the phone and they
• 28:30
  tell me that the kids therapist is recommending inpatient rehab
• 28:34
  because of ABC suicidality, etcetera.
• 28:36
  I'm I'm gonna. It's OK Maneuver around so we
• 28:41
  don't connect. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's OK.
• 28:42
  We we live in a community. We all know each other so.
• 28:44
  That's fine, I understand. And this has happened hundreds.
• 28:46
  Of times it's not only a one story or a good thing so a.
• 28:49
  Father who's an executive running a business and you're
• 28:51
  helping him scale and grow his business and you recognize and
• 28:54
  he recognizes there are emotional challenges and family
• 28:57
  challenges that are probably preventing him from growing.
• 28:59
  Also pinning and holding him back.
• 29:00
  So he calls you and he calls you at night and says, my wife's on
• 29:02
  the phone and we have a challenge.
• 29:04
  Challenge. Yeah, our child, for whatever
• 29:06
  reason, has to go to rehab. And I'm listening to what he's
• 29:10
  telling me. I'm asking you very specific
• 29:12
  questions. And I'm, I'm not a therapist,
• 29:14
  I'm not a doctor, but I have a lot of experience and, and a lot
• 29:21
  of results with that experience without the, the negatives.
• 29:24
  Do you know the meaning, right? I have more upside than
• 29:26
  downside, if you will, in terms of the result.
• 29:28
  Your resume is cool by me. Continue.
• 29:30
  It's for your listeners who may not know that because.
• 29:32
  If if you're here, then they respect it.
• 29:34
  Awesome. And I say no rehab change
• 29:38
  therapists call this person, do these two things and you need to
• 29:43
  work on this relationship directly.
• 29:45
  And here's your protocol for how you're going to work on this
• 29:47
  relationship with your daughter. And he tells me, are you
• 29:51
  serious? Like are you crazy?
• 29:53
  And his wife is like for real 100% if anything changes, call
• 29:58
  me. It's not a risk, it's a
• 30:00
  prescription. Go do it.
• 30:02
  Less than two weeks later, phone rings random time and I, I see a
• 30:08
  temp and I'm I'm for a second. You have, you have that like
• 30:12
  what happened? And I pick up and he's he's
• 30:15
  emotional. And I say, Michael, what's going
• 30:19
  on? His name is not Michael.
• 30:20
  Michael, what's going on? He says, you're not going to
• 30:23
  believe what happened. I said what he said.
• 30:24
  So I did what you said and I did this and I did that and
• 30:26
  whatever. He's following protocol.
• 30:28
  And one of the things he offered was when you're having a
• 30:31
  difficult time until we get you placed in with the new structure
• 30:35
  we're setting up, if you ever need help, call me.
• 30:37
  I'm here for you. I'll stop whatever I'm doing.
• 30:39
  And so he gets a call in the middle of the day and she says,
• 30:42
  I'm having a hard time. He says, OK, let's go for a walk
• 30:44
  and then go for a walk. And they're walking in the park
• 30:47
  at the corner or whatever down the block, and all of a sudden
• 30:50
  she turns to her dad. And she says, dad, can you
• 30:54
  please just give me a hug? And the guy says, it's the first
• 31:00
  time in three years I was able to wrap my daughter in my arms
• 31:03
  and tell her, I love you properly.
• 31:05
  And he's crying. He's bawling on the phone.
• 31:08
  I said dude, that's why you hired me not to breakthrough on
• 31:11
  your numbers. So to answer your question, it's
• 31:20
  possible. Rehab, in my opinion, for that
• 31:23
  kid, would have been a disaster. She would have gotten worse, not
• 31:25
  better. In the context of that story.
• 31:27
  I'm not saying no one should go to rehab.
• 31:29
  That's not what I'm saying. It has to be done carefully and
• 31:32
  has to be done properly. It has to be structured in an
• 31:34
  appropriate manner and it has to be monitored properly.
• 31:40
  The way to build a relationship is with boundaries, not without
• 31:42
  boundaries. The way to build a relationship
• 31:44
  is not to love. Like I just love you no matter
• 31:47
  what you do It's crazy. I love you no matter what.
• 31:49
  But also this is not appropriate.
• 31:52
  I love you no matter what, or I love you more than you can
• 31:54
  define me. But also here's where the line
• 31:58
  is. And if you cross this line, I'm
• 32:00
  still going to follow you over that line, but come back over
• 32:02
  the line because you're over the line.
• 32:04
  This idea that we promote destructive, self-destructive
• 32:07
  behavior, There's an entire generation of kids at this point
• 32:11
  who are never going to forgive their parents for enabling them
• 32:14
  to cross lines. They can't cross back.
• 32:16
  Wow. I know because they cried to me.
• 32:19
  And they tell me, why did my parents let me do this?
• 32:21
  Why didn't they stop me? Why didn't they say no?
• 32:23
  It's easier to just say yes, yes, yes, even though it's
• 32:25
  harder. But when you have a community of
• 32:27
  support saying yeah, yeah, just enable bad behavior without
• 32:30
  setting the term on the boundary.
• 32:31
  Give me an example of a term or a boundary please.
• 32:35
  How graphic do you want me? To be as much as you can.
• 32:39
  Parent comes downstairs 3:00 in the morning and sees a non
• 32:43
  Jewish kid doing drugs together with their teenage child in
• 32:48
  their house without clothes. OK, I love you.
• 32:53
  Carry on. Let me buy you more drugs.
• 32:54
  Let me see if I can Uber eats for you.
• 32:56
  You're probably hungry. Or rack the shotgun and say if
• 33:00
  you ever come back here again you're not going to walk out.
• 33:05
  You can still hug your kid, but what are you doing?
• 33:08
  Don't buy them drugs. I've never, ever, ever thousands
• 33:13
  of kids I've worked with directly and indirectly ever
• 33:16
  bought drugs for a kid. Cigarettes.
• 33:18
  Yeah, not drugs. Are you saying that other people
• 33:20
  I've. Never bought tray for a kid,
• 33:22
  ever. Never needed to.
• 33:24
  You're going to tell me, oh, but you're not the parent.
• 33:27
  In some cases I was actually quote UN quote in a higher
• 33:30
  position in the hierarchy. Of I'm just asking, are you
• 33:33
  saying I'm sorry to interrupt? Are you saying that there are
• 33:35
  other people that have a direction of saying buy the
• 33:38
  trace for the? Kid.
• 33:39
  Absolutely sure help the kid get the drugs.
• 33:41
  There's other philosophies of raising teens by.
• 33:46
  Saying yes and loving them no matter what and encouraging and
• 33:49
  enabling. Quote UN quote.
• 33:51
  That's what you meant by enabling.
• 33:52
  That's now we're up to the core. Extreme enabling.
• 33:54
  Extreme enabling. Right, there is some enablement
• 33:56
  that needs to happen at times because you need to meet them
• 33:59
  somewhere. You have to choose where those
• 34:01
  boundaries so you don't create a boundary with the sun.
• 34:03
  And I just had this thing the other day like, you know, I
• 34:06
  can't create a boundary of don't be downstairs without clothes on
• 34:11
  doing drugs with a non Jew. You don't even think of such a
• 34:14
  boundary. So how do you create that
• 34:15
  boundary when your kids going through this challenge?
• 34:17
  So you don't, you don't actually have to create that boundary.
• 34:20
  If they, if there's a line and you won't cross a line, they
• 34:22
  test that line wherever that line is.
• 34:24
  I see. So just meet them at that line
• 34:25
  and hold the boundary. But if if you're not holding the
• 34:28
  boundary, I've never taken a kid for a tattoo.
• 34:31
  I've helped multiple kids get rid of tattoos.
• 34:33
  A great, great one. I like this one.
• 34:35
  A kid comes over, right? A kid comes over to his dad and
• 34:37
  says, you know, I'm going to get a tattoo.
• 34:38
  And he's living in the world of just yes, yes, yes, I love you,
• 34:41
  I love you and I, I want you to see unconditional love.
• 34:45
  So that word unconditional love, I think it's diluted a lot or
• 34:49
  misunderstood. And I'd like to talk about this
• 34:52
  topic because when you say enabling, so do you help your
• 34:55
  kid go to the tattoo parlor and get a tattoo?
• 34:57
  Not me. So what would you say to do?
• 35:00
  Why do you want a tattoo? I want a tattoo.
• 35:03
  There's a reason it's a symptom, so let's say.
• 35:05
  The kid is saying I get it, but the kid is saying you have.
• 35:07
  To go with them. Why do you?
• 35:08
  Have to go with them. So what are you saying?
• 35:09
  No, I don't want to go with you. How do you say it?
• 35:11
  I wouldn't go with them. I don't.
• 35:12
  I don't even think you should get it.
• 35:13
  I hope you don't get it. And one day when you want to get
• 35:16
  rid of it, you know it's going to cost 10s of thousands of
• 35:18
  dollars and a lot of pain. And I'm going to help you get
• 35:19
  rid of it. I see.
• 35:21
  And I won't tell you I told you so, but I'm going to help you
• 35:23
  get rid of it. You don't have to actually throw
• 35:24
  that in there. That's just like, you know.
• 35:26
  No, I do. I do.
• 35:26
  I say all the time. I will not tell you I told you.
• 35:28
  I will not tell you I. Told you, OK.
• 35:31
  Then you say I told you so in advance.
• 35:32
  Yeah. Because I don't want to be in a
• 35:34
  position later to say I told you so.
• 35:35
  And then you're going to feel bad like I'm putting you down.
• 35:37
  I'm not. I want to be able to come to you
• 35:39
  later and say I'm here to help you.
• 35:41
  I love you. I still love you even though you
• 35:42
  did something stupid without me having to say those words later.
• 35:46
  I'm saying in advance, I'm letting you know this is going
• 35:49
  to not work for you. This is not going to give you
• 35:51
  what you think it's going to give you.
• 35:52
  It's not going to be the relief. It's not going to.
• 35:55
  I'm going to switch gears for a second.
• 35:56
  How many people do you and I both know who are running after
• 35:59
  psychedelic trip after psychedelic trip after
• 36:01
  psychedelic trip, actually messing themselves up, giving
• 36:06
  very unhealthy people, very super unhealthy people access to
• 36:11
  the root programming of their brains in a group environment
• 36:15
  where not only does some sugar and a freak who's tapping into
• 36:19
  avoid desire potentially take over control of their brain,
• 36:23
  they're sitting with a whole group of other people.
• 36:24
  And you don't know who else's trauma you're picking up on.
• 36:26
  And the reason I know this is people, people come after
• 36:30
  certain experiences and they're talking about things that never
• 36:32
  ever happened to them. It is 100% real to their nervous
• 36:35
  system as if it did. And I know why.
• 36:39
  And then by mistake, I found out a name.
• 36:41
  I dropped a name about someone who who I just popped into my
• 36:45
  brain. I and then I connected a dot.
• 36:49
  I was like, Oh my gosh, if that person has any influence in this
• 36:52
  space, it it, it's almost like like burn the whole thing down.
• 36:56
  Like that's terrible that that would be the worst energy to
• 37:00
  allow. Imagine going to a brain surgeon
• 37:02
  who never went to school, who has some rusty tools and say I
• 37:08
  have this little pain in the back of my head.
• 37:09
  Do you mind? Can you just cut it open and fix
• 37:11
  something for me? Now, I took this very far, but
• 37:20
  two things I want to say about this A Would you ever give
• 37:23
  control of your root operating system to anyone, let alone some
• 37:30
  unhealthy person? Second, what if there was a way
• 37:34
  to do this that required a little bit more work, but you
• 37:37
  stayed in the driver's seat? You got to influence it.
• 37:40
  It, it was you coming online, it was you becoming more of you.
• 37:44
  It was you becoming your best and highest self.
• 37:48
  Now I'm biased. That is 100% what my work is
• 37:51
  about. Whether it's business, whether
• 37:53
  it's family, whether it's personal, it's all one money.
• 37:56
  Oh, that was the fifth life force.
• 37:57
  I left it out, of course. Money is just a tool.
• 38:02
  We're not supposed to love money.
• 38:03
  We're supposed to love people and use money.
• 38:06
  We are the master, not the money.
• 38:08
  But if we give money the control, the money becomes the
• 38:11
  master. That's crazy.
• 38:14
  But money and God are interdependent.
• 38:17
  So is food, so is breath, so is procreation.
• 38:21
  I'm using the seven letter word instead of three.
• 38:24
  So those are the five life forces, and they all walk
• 38:27
  together. Life forces, they work together.
• 38:29
  You definitely answered my question on enabling.
• 38:32
  I definitely know that there are people that disagree somewhat
• 38:35
  with what you're saying. Yep.
• 38:37
  I'm I'm going to get them on the program and dissect it because I
• 38:40
  want to hear from them what they mean.
• 38:41
  Both of us, we should have like a conversation, a respectful
• 38:45
  conversation. Who would you recommend that
• 38:47
  believes in the opposite or maybe somewhat of a different
• 38:50
  direction of what you're saying? You don't want to drop issues.
• 38:53
  OK. But there's a lot of people,
• 38:55
  right? You're saying to have both sides
• 38:56
  of it. Yeah.
• 38:57
  It's a movement to to which I think that also has success.
• 39:01
  I, I feel like, you know, I'm not going to dissect this topic
• 39:04
  a little too much more than this for now, but I feel like, you
• 39:07
  know, the challenge is that many parents don't have those tools
• 39:12
  regardless, so telling them to do it that way is what works.
• 39:15
  But yes. I I want to say this clearly, I
• 39:19
  spent a lifetime in that space very effectively.
• 39:26
  I worked together with Robscheirwalstein Zatal like
• 39:29
  brothers for the beginning of Arnava.
• 39:32
  Arnava started in the living room that night.
• 39:34
  Tisha Buff. He used to call me Tisha Buff at
• 39:36
  night, at 1:00 in the morning and say Ezra Yashakaya he had
• 39:40
  that night. He spoke in two different places
• 39:42
  and that was the beginning of Arnava.
• 39:45
  The story he used to tell about the the short little blonde girl
• 39:49
  who got in the space. What's the story?
• 39:51
  You know the story Tisha Buff night.
• 39:52
  I had invited him to come and speak and there was this, I
• 39:57
  don't know, maybe 5 foot high little blonde kid who was
• 40:00
  running away from a bench wire in another state who was
• 40:02
  supposed to rehab at 15 years old.
• 40:04
  And he walked in to speak and it was late and it was hot and they
• 40:07
  were antsy. And she just looked at him and
• 40:09
  she jumped off out of the couch. It was like, F you and F God.
• 40:14
  He just turned to me. He was like, how much leeway do
• 40:18
  I have? And I leaned over.
• 40:20
  I said, say whatever you want. If you break something, I'll fix
• 40:22
  it. It's cool.
• 40:23
  I'm good with boundaries. And I could always throw them
• 40:25
  under the bus if I wanted to. He took a breath and he looked
• 40:30
  in the eye and he said, I thought I was going to come here
• 40:33
  and prove to you that God exists.
• 40:35
  Based on your comment, we both agree there's a God.
• 40:38
  So now instead, why don't we talk about your relationship
• 40:41
  with him? And there was this pause
• 40:46
  standoff and she said, you cool? I'll listen and sat down.
• 40:52
  That's the piercing in his tallest bag.
• 40:55
  She's the first one. She just made a breast for her
• 40:59
  5th kid. She's from.
• 41:01
  She lives in artist Straw. She has a Mishapaka.
• 41:03
  She's awesome. It's incredible.
• 41:07
  I got to interview this woman. And the and and the kid whose
• 41:11
  room she took over because she lived by my neighbor was
• 41:13
  learning an artist straw went to the breasts.
• 41:17
  Wow. Her son's bar mitzvah 2 years
• 41:19
  ago my son was learning an artist so he went to the bar
• 41:21
  mitzvah. I love it, the real circle of
• 41:23
  life. It's incredible.
• 41:25
  And that's one, there's hundreds if not thousands name by name,
• 41:28
  by name, by name. So that's with boundaries,
• 41:31
  that's not without boundaries. That's with saying no, that's
• 41:33
  not again, helping being super helpful, giving hundreds of
• 41:37
  hours, thousands of hours in the aggregate to different people.
• 41:41
  But that Misius. Oh, that carrying that that.
• 41:47
  Do you know Avi? Fischhoff yeah, sure.
• 41:49
  Avi introduced me to to Rabskaya.
• 41:51
  Really. Wow.
• 41:52
  Credit to you, Rob. Avi.
• 41:54
  I've been wanting to get him on. I think I'm.
• 41:56
  Yeah, I think I'm going to get him on really soon.
• 41:57
  But I think that he has a little bit of a philosophy of showering
• 42:00
  with love. And this concept that you might
• 42:03
  be dancing around called enabling, I think is one of
• 42:07
  those things that he believes in Avi.
• 42:09
  Believes in that Avi has a mahalach Javi and I agree on
• 42:13
  most and have divergent on sum. Is this the sum?
• 42:17
  Yes. Very respectful, very open, very
• 42:21
  OK. That's fine.
• 42:24
  Very good with each other. Yeah.
• 42:25
  No, I'll. I'll definitely hear the other
• 42:26
  side when I interview him because it's a such A and he's.
• 42:29
  Eloquent, yeah. It's a such a delicate topic and
• 42:32
  what So what I was asking you earlier, which I'm going to re
• 42:35
  ask it again, is So what can we learn as parents who are raising
• 42:39
  healthy kids don't have mental illness, don't have trauma
• 42:43
  challenge. What were you saying the?
• 42:44
  What I said, I'm looking at none of your business.
• 42:46
  I was like this became the parenting podcast.
• 42:48
  Parenting and business go hand in hand because most of my
• 42:52
  clients have businesses and and meeting the the firm founder
• 42:57
  usually as a as a family as well.
• 42:59
  And like I said before, you can only be as happy as your saddest
• 43:02
  child. So when you're running a
• 43:03
  company, you could have 1000 employees, you could have 100
• 43:06
  employees. Most people don't have 1000
• 43:07
  employees and you have one kid who's struggling and your whole
• 43:10
  life is upside down. Everything stops and everything
• 43:13
  is Hanford. So it's important to figure it
• 43:16
  out. What's interesting to me is when
• 43:17
  I work with people in their business, inevitably I end up
• 43:21
  helping with something in their family at some point.
• 43:24
  And on the flip side of that, when I would help people in
• 43:27
  their families, they would say if you could do this with my
• 43:29
  kid, could you do it with my team?
• 43:31
  Could you do it with my key employee?
• 43:33
  Could you and and literally it's it's AII use the business to
• 43:37
  help organize the family dynamics because it's much more
• 43:41
  linear practical box. So you can fit into a box the
• 43:44
  emotional pieces. In fact, if I could say one more
• 43:47
  thing and then I'll answer your question directly.
• 43:49
  The challenge is what what I'm going to call entanglements.
• 43:51
  If I go like this with my hands and I pick up when you look at
• 43:54
  my fingers, which hand is this finger from or which you know
• 43:57
  what's happening? Karis there's interdependencies.
• 44:00
  So I'm not sure if I should increase my marketing budget,
• 44:04
  hire another salesperson, fire an operational issue, move sewn
• 44:10
  seat from here to here, switch offices, change product lines,
• 44:13
  double down on this thing, right?
• 44:15
  All of these questions in your business, you probably have all
• 44:17
  of these questions in your business every, not every day,
• 44:20
  but when you're thinking about it.
• 44:22
  And any one thing that you do is going to break a bunch of other
• 44:24
  things and you cannot afford to fail.
• 44:27
  Everything depends on you, your family, your business, your
• 44:31
  employees, your community. Everything depends on you.
• 44:34
  And when I say you, I mean you are my typical client.
• 44:37
  Because you are. You could fit that avatar and
• 44:39
  then anxiety shows up and then panic shows up and then
• 44:43
  overwhelm is there. Why?
• 44:45
  Because how else could it not be?
• 44:47
  The whole world is weighing you down and if you move any one
• 44:52
  piece even a little bit, everything breaks and you can't
• 44:56
  afford to fail. So you double down and you throw
• 44:58
  more money at it or you throw more people at it or you, you
• 45:01
  just avoid it. You, you go like this and you
• 45:03
  hide and you hope it'll go away. And it just gets worse and the
• 45:06
  noise keeps getting louder. And so just love on it.
• 45:10
  And I went back to parenting. So just love on it.
• 45:12
  Loving on it is not going to solve it.
• 45:13
  Set a boundary with it. Give it a timeline, give it put
• 45:19
  a structure around it so you could understand it.
• 45:21
  I, I say, look at the spaghetti and pull out the one spaghetti
• 45:25
  and focus on this one thing, pull out the next one, leave the
• 45:28
  whole entanglement, leave it all there.
• 45:30
  Say, but I can't. But if I pull this, this falls,
• 45:31
  that falls and slides all over the place.
• 45:33
  Yes. And also staying here is not
• 45:35
  working either. So it's a, it's a paradoxical
• 45:39
  challenge. If I do nothing, it's broken.
• 45:42
  If I do something, it breaks. So you say cheval pasta don't do
• 45:45
  anything. And, and that's the way to
• 45:48
  navigate. So just pause.
• 45:51
  Right. That also doesn't work.
• 45:53
  So what could a parent do to to actually build a relationship
• 45:59
  with boundaries? That's the key question.
• 46:01
  What could an employer do to build a relationship with a key
• 46:05
  employee? Good.
• 46:07
  That's my question exactly. That healthy, healthy, healthy
• 46:10
  children. Healthy employer and employer.
• 46:12
  Everybody's healthy and everybody has trauma today and
• 46:15
  I'm not. I'm not combining people.
• 46:16
  With, by the way, when I say healthy, I mean of course with a
• 46:18
  little bit of trauma and a little bit of who.
• 46:20
  Doesn't have, obviously, if you live in today's world, right?
• 46:22
  Yeah. So what can you do #1 is make
• 46:25
  time, pay attention. Make time, pay attention in a
• 46:28
  real way. Making time and paying attention
• 46:30
  is 2 things by the way. Guys, make time and pay
• 46:34
  attention, OK? We make time and don't pay
• 46:36
  attention, sure, because we have something called a smartphone or
• 46:39
  a dumb phone. It doesn't matter.
• 46:41
  We have distractions. So make time and pay attention
• 46:44
  and acknowledge in some way. So, so I can give you a whole
• 46:48
  bunch of models, but our sons and our daughters need different
• 46:52
  things from us. We think it's the same thing.
• 46:54
  It's not. Our sons need to know that.
• 46:58
  We see the bust in them to the father son conflict.
• 47:01
  I think Avi and I once had this conversation.
• 47:04
  We could solve most of the challenges.
• 47:05
  This is like 2020 something years ago if we'd have everybody
• 47:08
  learn with someone else's son, because if you learn with the
• 47:11
  neighbour's son, you'll see him great and you'll just boost him
• 47:13
  up and that guy learns with your son.
• 47:15
  It will solve a lot of these problems because of that, that
• 47:17
  father son tension, if you will. The the our daughters need
• 47:21
  something else from us. And again, we have the mother
• 47:23
  daughter conflicts as well. We didn't have the solution for
• 47:24
  that one asked correctly. Now our daughters need to know
• 47:29
  that they're just like they're the apple of our eye.
• 47:32
  They they have to feel that when when we see them, the the room
• 47:35
  lights up and that they're they're valued out there that
• 47:38
  way. And this is an intergenerational
• 47:40
  challenge that we as a community struggle with and the world is
• 47:43
  struggling with worse. I want to go back one step.
• 47:47
  That whole love on them thing. Do whatever, no boundaries leads
• 47:51
  to the same transgender problems that are happening out there in
• 47:54
  the world being a problem in our community.
• 47:56
  If you'd set the boundary miles before, you wouldn't get this
• 47:58
  far. But I'm willing to bet that in
• 48:01
  the context, I don't have 1 1/2, I want to say 1.21.5 in the, in,
• 48:08
  in 25 years of, of people going down that path in, in my
• 48:11
  ecosystem. Now you could say I'm working
• 48:13
  with a different ecosystem and I have a different level.
• 48:15
  And I OK, I hear. And also I want to say one other
• 48:19
  thing. And Avi and I agree on this as
• 48:21
  well, in the extreme, you have to make extreme moves. 95% of
• 48:26
  what you're doing should never have to be done in the extreme.
• 48:30
  So the in between, which is not the extreme, what he calls level
• 48:33
  4, Stage 4 and the TP world is the extreme.
• 48:37
  That should be the OOO 1%. That should not be the norm.
• 48:41
  That shouldn't be the initial intervention.
• 48:43
  The initial intervention should be firm, firm boundaries with
• 48:46
  structure, with support systems. So if you take a kid who's
• 48:50
  learning challenged and who's not learning challenged today,
• 48:53
  everybody has ADHD at some level, which is just this
• 48:56
  regulation. We could talk about that as
• 48:58
  well. I went to sit with Peter Levine,
• 49:00
  train with Peter Levine when when Reggie Melrose was thinking
• 49:02
  about giving her actually there's another carry over
• 49:05
  Reggie Melrose, the famine, you know, self regulation training.
• 49:08
  She was thinking about doing a training and I said, I just came
• 49:10
  back from training with Peter Levine and I would like to know
• 49:13
  what you're up to and what you're doing.
• 49:15
  And she said, well, maybe in the summer people could fly out to
• 49:17
  California. I'm like, Nope, come to New
• 49:18
  York, let's go do this. And then she called Avi and was
• 49:22
  talking about it. And then like from one second to
• 49:23
  the next, she filled up a class. And that was the beginning.
• 49:26
  That was the, the launch of of of that style.
• 49:28
  We're going to call. The ability to.
• 49:31
  Learn that what her book is called The 62nd Fix.
• 49:34
  I recommend it all the time. It's a simple 4-5 step model.
• 49:37
  I can show it to you of how to just get yourself back here
• 49:41
  quickly. And it's important.
• 49:43
  It's an important decision tool. Everybody should be learning it.
• 49:45
  We're not teaching it, we're not learning it.
• 49:46
  We're we're not living it. So what could a parent do?
• 49:49
  Be regulated yourself. If we're not regulated as
• 49:51
  parents, our our kids cannot be regulated.
• 49:54
  There's something called Co regulation right as you start
• 49:58
  off the beginning of this, all of a sudden I start I was like,
• 50:02
  whoops, Oh, I'm camera shy. OK, so I let it out.
• 50:05
  We're good. We've moved on.
• 50:07
  We're here. If we get into a more, I don't
• 50:12
  know, riled up topic, we might get this regulated again and
• 50:14
  we're going to feed off each other.
• 50:15
  You're very present. You're very, you're a good
• 50:17
  interviewer. You're calm, you're in the
• 50:18
  moment. You're here.
• 50:21
  You don't move, you don't flinch, you keep eye contact.
• 50:24
  Many people can't do that. They're flying.
• 50:27
  How many business owners do we both know that wouldn't sit in
• 50:31
  this chair this long? They'd be done?
• 50:33
  I have to tell you, I worked very hard on it and we said this
• 50:36
  earlier. That's why I'm mentioning it.
• 50:38
  It's work. Of course, I can go to an
• 50:40
  ayahuasca treatment and have a shaman and, and tap into my, you
• 50:43
  know, whatever and, and risk it all or I can work and that's
• 50:46
  part of relationships, which is just general working on it.
• 50:49
  But so I like what you're saying, making time being.
• 50:52
  Attention and paying attention and then identifying the the
• 50:56
  gifts, the core skills, gifts and abilities of your son or
• 51:00
  daughter or your employee and acknowledging it in some way and
• 51:06
  evoking it more. I, I the third part is the most
• 51:09
  important. You have to do the first and
• 51:10
  second. Obviously you're not going to
• 51:11
  get there right, But actually. You want to know something, you
• 51:14
  have to do the prep work first. Sure.
• 51:16
  If you don't. I used to do trainings for Rabin
• 51:19
  and Morose and one of the things I'd give them a a handout and I
• 51:22
  can share it with you if you want.
• 51:23
  It's a worksheet if you want for parents or or.
• 51:27
  Parents, teachers. Parents.
• 51:28
  Employers. Simple.
• 51:30
  Work. It's all the bunch.
• 51:31
  Of things and there's a it's a very Bulina there.
• 51:34
  If you'll remind me, because I'll forget when we're done, I
• 51:36
  will make a short video and give you APDF thing you could give to
• 51:40
  anyone to download. Sure, we'll put it on the link
• 51:42
  below. Link below, click yeah and
• 51:46
  subscribe. Subscribe.
• 51:47
  It's OK. So, yeah, so acknowledging that
• 51:52
  and regulating yourself and then so, yeah, you got to be present
• 51:55
  with them. If you're not present with them.
• 51:57
  So they're just going to pick up the Co regulation is going to be
• 51:59
  dysregulation. How's that helping?
• 52:01
  Sure. And then, you know, sometimes a
• 52:04
  parent or or an how how many bosses will get so riled up and
• 52:08
  say and explode and the only place I could let it out is with
• 52:11
  you. And I always tell them take it
• 52:12
  out on me. Don't take it out on your
• 52:14
  people, whether it's your family or or your employees, Say no, I
• 52:17
  would never. And they can't see the neck
• 52:20
  veins and the thing that you think they don't get what's
• 52:22
  going on. They they don't.
• 52:23
  Feel. It how many people know they're
• 52:25
  being fired for three months before they're being fired?
• 52:29
  What if you just talk to them, kindly say, hey, we have to have
• 52:33
  a a real conversation about what's going on.
• 52:35
  Here are my expectations. How can you meet them?
• 52:38
  Can you meet them? Can you not?
• 52:40
  Are we on the same page or we're not on the same page?
• 52:42
  It's the same page conversation in some way, shape or form with
• 52:45
  our kids, depending if they're little or they're big, right?
• 52:47
  A three-year old you're not going to talk to the same way
• 52:49
  you talk to a 13 year old the same way you talk to a 30.
• 52:51
  Year old, I like what you're saying.
• 52:52
  So basically when it comes to a student, it comes to an
• 52:55
  employee, it comes to a child, make the time go back to the
• 53:00
  third thing, which is find what they're good at.
• 53:03
  Let's focus on that first. Skill, tool, ability, way of
• 53:07
  showing up, even if they're struggling, even if they're
• 53:11
  struggling there it is incredible to me.
• 53:13
  You asked me before, how much did I learn from working with
• 53:15
  kids who are struggling? Probably more than I learnt in
• 53:17
  yeshiva. I'm not talking about book
• 53:19
  smart, Tyra, I'm talking about people smart.
• 53:21
  They taught me so much, both because they asked me questions
• 53:25
  that I never would have thought of, and also because witnessing
• 53:28
  their struggles and they would challenge me all the time.
• 53:29
  But Rabbi, did you ever do drugs?
• 53:31
  How could you understand me? Did you ever have this?
• 53:33
  No, I had no real like, awareness of where they were, so
• 53:38
  I had to learn. I'll tell the Nazcaverka Tagelam
• 53:41
  Kaimai, don't judge your friend until you're in their shoes.
• 53:44
  I had to walk in their shoes, and the best way I could was to
• 53:46
  see the world through their eyes, which is after you
• 53:49
  acknowledge them. The next step is to really
• 53:51
  listen deeply to understand right.
• 53:53
  So you have to work harder to be on that level to understand
• 53:56
  where. Where they're coming from, I
• 53:58
  can't tell you how many people, how many youth I've sent to
• 54:02
  therapy who would tell me you know me way better than my
• 54:06
  therapist. Can you talk to my therapist and
• 54:07
  explain it to them for me? And again, it's a different
• 54:10
  model. It's, it's just different.
• 54:12
  It's operating on a different frequency, on a different zone.
• 54:15
  So if you, if we could have a relationship, trusting
• 54:18
  relationship with our kids. And now I want to go to
• 54:22
  business, I want to flip to business.
• 54:24
  A number of years ago, I started leaning into really learning how
• 54:32
  to facilitate conversation amongst business leaders.
• 54:38
  It's a super fascinating skill, facilitating the the interplay
• 54:43
  dynamics. If you ever go to an event and
• 54:45
  you're good at networking at an event, you pick a few people and
• 54:47
  you just go deep with them. You're very good at that.
• 54:49
  Most people, the most popular place at any given event is a
• 54:52
  bar. I want to start with the story.
• 54:54
  I'm going to go back for a step. There's a group in, in Jackson,
• 54:57
  NJ. There's a few little
• 54:58
  communities, Casitas mostly, that wanted to bring the
• 55:02
  different people together into a room to get to know each other.
• 55:05
  Because a lot of guys with young guys with businesses who live in
• 55:09
  communities, their adjacent communities who see each other's
• 55:11
  in show or in the McFall wherever passing, don't really
• 55:14
  know each other, don't know what each other's doing.
• 55:16
  They wanted to create a networking event where people to
• 55:18
  get to get to know each other. They called it HBA, one Hamish
• 55:22
  Business Association, I think and.
• 55:25
  What about Timeish Business Association?
• 55:28
  Maybe a was something else, I don't.
• 55:29
  Know it's OK. And and they reached out to me.
• 55:33
  Many communities do this, by the way.
• 55:34
  It's a great idea. So it was.
• 55:35
  It was. It was 4546, I don't know,
• 55:37
  communities each one around developments, what do you want
• 55:40
  to call 200 houses, whatever. And they reached out to me to
• 55:43
  facilitate or help them organize their event so that it would
• 55:47
  have maximum result. So I said, well, what's the
• 55:51
  result that you want? And they started telling me and
• 55:53
  they were scribing it and I said, listen, I don't think that
• 55:55
  you can do what you want to do. And you're just trying to throw
• 55:58
  a bunch of stuff at the wall. It's probably not going to work.
• 56:00
  But I'm born into your mission. No, I I understood what they
• 56:09
  really wanted. And what they really wanted was
• 56:11
  people should show up with a a sense of let's find out who each
• 56:16
  other's are, not people should be like a mosh pit.
• 56:19
  The better networkers got something and everybody else
• 56:21
  doesn't. And so Schlemmer Friedman of, of
• 56:24
  Lakewood fame and, and, and I worked a week before the event
• 56:29
  to rejigger how they did that event.
• 56:32
  And we, we created the dynamics for the interplay.
• 56:35
  So the game show at the beginning and the panelists that
• 56:37
  they interviewed and the way the structure worked and even the
• 56:40
  ambassadors were all geared towards we're going to make
• 56:44
  introductions versus we're going to get introductions.
• 56:47
  Our goal is to go introduce 10 people to each other.
• 56:49
  That's what we're going to do tonight.
• 56:52
  They had like 400 plus people show up.
• 56:54
  They had readings. Over 100 people filled out
• 56:56
  survey forms. 9.6 was the average.
• 56:59
  We're shocked that more than two people filled out a.
• 57:01
  Survey. That's what I was thinking that
• 57:02
  there. Was like, no, they said, why are
• 57:04
  we paying for the survey company?
• 57:05
  I'm like, just it's a few dollars, just do it.
• 57:07
  We need to have a survey. We need feedback.
• 57:09
  It was incredible. The energy in the room was off
• 57:11
  the charts and they didn't want to leave.
• 57:12
  It was it was amazing. And it was because they aligned
• 57:16
  around the very clear mission. It was about giving, not taking
• 57:20
  and and we jiggered, jiggered. We arranged the event so that to
• 57:25
  create psychological safety, which was my punchline.
• 57:27
  The challenge is when anyone walks into a room at any given
• 57:31
  point in time, they're asking themselves 2 questions.
• 57:34
  Do I belong here? Do I fit?
• 57:37
  And if people would know who I really am, would they let me
• 57:40
  stay? We all ask that question
• 57:44
  consciously and subconsciously all the time.
• 57:48
  Can I be vulnerable for a minute?
• 57:50
  I mostly think I don't fit because I'm different.
• 57:54
  On the yeshiva side, I'm not that yeshivaish.
• 57:56
  On the balbatish side, I'm not that balbatish.
• 57:58
  On the casita side, I'm not that casita.
• 58:01
  And this comes up for me. Last week I was at a casita
• 58:04
  Shabbos. Shaver brachas.
• 58:05
  I was the only bend down. Everybody's with a strymal if
• 58:07
  they're wearing something on their head, Short jacket, only
• 58:11
  short jacket. I was the probably the only one
• 58:14
  who died before. Is Montfilo also, but I felt
• 58:21
  comfortable being there. I would they were warm and
• 58:23
  friendly and nice and these are people I know well and love and
• 58:26
  I'm connected to and I'm like a brother there in the in the
• 58:30
  aggregate of all the different people.
• 58:32
  But again, I'm different. And at one point it dawned on me
• 58:35
  like I'm the only been down here with like, you know, all these
• 58:38
  terminals. So do I fit?
• 58:40
  Actually, I don't, but I'm comfortable not fitting.
• 58:43
  I'm good. I'm in my own skin, I'm in my
• 58:46
  own body. I'm in, I'm with my breath back
• 58:49
  to that. I'm connected to my breath.
• 58:50
  I'm good, I'm comfortable. I speak a little funny Yiddish
• 58:55
  compared to how they speak Yiddish.
• 58:56
  I don't understand everything they're saying.
• 58:59
  I operate on a kind of different frequency, but I can I can be
• 59:03
  there and be comfortable there and and maybe be accepted or
• 59:06
  tolerated. It doesn't matter.
• 59:08
  And then if I go into a non Jewish environment, right, you
• 59:11
  go, we, we go different trade shows.
• 59:13
  And, and what's interesting is I assume you get this similar to
• 59:18
  me where people say, you know, you're different than most of
• 59:19
  the Jews I meet. I get that comment all the time
• 59:23
  from secular Jews, from non Jews.
• 59:27
  And I've asked myself, why, What is it about me?
• 59:30
  What, what, how am I showing up that's different that people are
• 59:36
  actually saying to me? It's it's a little weird to tell
• 59:38
  a stranger you're different. The lady on the plane next to
• 59:40
  you. I can't tell you how many times
• 59:42
  the person next to me on the plane, like wants to connect
• 59:45
  with me on LinkedIn and talk to me, not about anything
• 59:47
  important. It's just like, this was the
• 59:49
  most fascinating plane ride I ever had or something.
• 59:52
  And half the time I just wanted to like either take a nap, learn
• 59:54
  something or like, right, like what you said enough already.
• 59:59
  So, so by the way, it's a captive audience.
• 1:00:01
  You notice people who like the middle seat because they have
• 1:00:02
  two people to bother. They look for the middle 'cause
• 1:00:05
  they get 2. Never knew that existed.
• 1:00:07
  No, it does. That doesn't aim for it.
• 1:00:09
  I don't know what it's called anyway.
• 1:00:10
  I just made it up. I have no idea.
• 1:00:11
  I'm sure there are people like that.
• 1:00:13
  And it's because of your presence.
• 1:00:14
  It's because of how you show up. It's because how you pay
• 1:00:16
  attention. It's because you can see them
• 1:00:19
  without judgement and they can feel that because what's going
• 1:00:22
  on inside is getting transmitted, even if we're not
• 1:00:24
  saying it. And we live in an interconnected
• 1:00:27
  society. I'm going on a tangent here.
• 1:00:31
  We live in a we're so connected to each other that we fear the
• 1:00:35
  disconnect so much we don't actually show up authentically.
• 1:00:39
  What that's a good. It is too risky to be real
• 1:00:42
  because if people would know the real what's going on with us,
• 1:00:45
  they would reject us or eject us from the community.
• 1:00:48
  So our strength in community has become our weakness, which is
• 1:00:52
  why lonely at the top for from business owners is probably
• 1:00:55
  worse than for non Jews, because the non Jew can go to EO and YPO
• 1:01:00
  and and wherever and just put it all on the table.
• 1:01:04
  Everything. No one's going to judge him and
• 1:01:06
  no one's going to know him. And if we walk into any room
• 1:01:09
  anywhere in the whole world, someone's going to know us and
• 1:01:12
  so might hold it against us and it might come back to bite us.
• 1:01:17
  Interesting. So our strength becomes our
• 1:01:20
  weakness, which goes all the way back to the beginning
• 1:01:21
  conversation about dark and light.
• 1:01:24
  Everything has a flop side. Our Kayakov community has become
• 1:01:27
  also a challenge for us in community.
• 1:01:33
  So we back to your question of how do we do this and I'm trying
• 1:01:36
  to bridge business and family on purpose.
• 1:01:39
  You don't have to say it anymore.
• 1:01:40
  It's automatic, yeah. How many times do we have to
• 1:01:43
  repeat something till people get the message in general?
• 1:01:45
  One time if they're paying attention.
• 1:01:49
  One time, if they're paying attention under distress, with
• 1:01:52
  not enough distress that they're distracted, OK, that's when they
• 1:01:56
  pay attention. The rest of the time, it's just
• 1:01:58
  a million other messages that they didn't get.
• 1:02:00
  And you think you said it or, you know, you said it and they
• 1:02:02
  even heard it and they acknowledged it and they
• 1:02:03
  repeated it back to you, and they have no idea that you ever
• 1:02:05
  said it. So this is actually really
• 1:02:09
  important. What's your family mission?
• 1:02:12
  What does your family stand for? What are your family?
• 1:02:13
  Values. Are you asking me?
• 1:02:15
  In general, do we know? That's a general question.
• 1:02:19
  Do we ever talk about it? No, we assume everybody knows.
• 1:02:21
  I've never gotten that question before.
• 1:02:22
  That's why I was like, whoa, you asked me that question.
• 1:02:24
  It's a good question. It's a it's a it should be a
• 1:02:26
  core level question that we all ask.
• 1:02:28
  So we assume that we know it. What I mean tell you off Mets
• 1:02:30
  rice. OK, great.
• 1:02:32
  So when I was tired and I overslept and I missed minion
• 1:02:35
  and my kids saw me putting on felon.
• 1:02:36
  OK, it didn't really happen for like 20 years, but I'm just
• 1:02:39
  saying, right. Actually, I have a neighbor the
• 1:02:42
  the Rebbe and Yeshiva and I forgot grade school was I forgot
• 1:02:44
  what grade was talking about talus and felon and said all
• 1:02:48
  your Tatis put on tots and felon.
• 1:02:49
  One kid raises his hand and then he says no, not my tati.
• 1:02:51
  And it became like a almost like a it was a thing in class.
• 1:02:55
  So the Rebbe very bashfully calls the father.
• 1:02:58
  He says, listen, it's not really my business, but I have to tell
• 1:03:00
  you to help your son and a whole story about how you really have
• 1:03:03
  to put on felon. You can't not put on felon and
• 1:03:05
  the kids like 100% adamant you don't wear felon.
• 1:03:08
  So it takes the father a minute or two goes.
• 1:03:10
  I don't have a seekin every single day.
• 1:03:12
  My kid has no idea. The only time he sees me going
• 1:03:14
  to shul he's on Chavez. So my tati only wears a palace.
• 1:03:17
  He doesn't work for him. Fascinating point.
• 1:03:20
  That point that you're making it now is really what got me going
• 1:03:24
  about the question of what is a family mission.
• 1:03:27
  Because if your kids don't know, if you're proverbially like
• 1:03:31
  living a lifestyle of vasikin where I'm doing good and I'm
• 1:03:34
  doing my thing and they don't know what your family mission is
• 1:03:37
  and what your values are, you're not going to stay connected.
• 1:03:40
  I really like your message about, you know, you know,
• 1:03:43
  finding what's what's good in your employee and your child and
• 1:03:47
  picking up on that. Robert Husky Sherman, who was
• 1:03:50
  here a few podcasts ago, he actually mentioned as well.
• 1:03:53
  He said when you compliment your kid, compliment them on their
• 1:03:56
  values. Such a great line on repeating
• 1:03:59
  it again, because not just like, oh, wow, you cleaned up your
• 1:04:02
  room so nice. No, no, no, no.
• 1:04:04
  What you did and how you did it is so meaningful because of your
• 1:04:07
  values. I, I like that we're picking up
• 1:04:10
  on that again. What is your value system at
• 1:04:13
  home? How are you living your life as
• 1:04:15
  a mission? Do your children actually know
• 1:04:17
  it? And do you even know it or think
• 1:04:20
  about it? I love that.
• 1:04:21
  Let's move on. That that PDF that I told you I
• 1:04:23
  could, yeah, is based on what you just quoted.
• 1:04:26
  It's not based on a behavior. A behavior is an outcome of a
• 1:04:31
  choice, which is an outcome of a who you are at a core.
• 1:04:36
  So there's in other words, of course we have to acknowledge
• 1:04:39
  the, the human inside. If we're just looking at the
• 1:04:41
  behavior, then we're training monkeys.
• 1:04:43
  You could train a monkey to do a behavior and we focus a lot on
• 1:04:46
  behavior, but really we have to focus on the human part.
• 1:04:50
  And, and we've lost us a lot in society because we look at
• 1:04:53
  external trappings, We look at external show.
• 1:04:57
  Social media has made this a million times worse.
• 1:05:00
  Social media is poison. It is the worst way to start
• 1:05:02
  your day, end your day or having your day at any level.
• 1:05:05
  It is destructive on every single level and there's
• 1:05:08
  billions and billions of dollars being spent every hour to
• 1:05:11
  distract you from what's important and what matters and
• 1:05:16
  to have you live in contrast in comparison to something fake.
• 1:05:20
  Yeah, that's a that's a without saying.
• 1:05:23
  Yeah, no, it it really does. But you still have to keep
• 1:05:25
  saying it because no one hears it because people aren't hearing
• 1:05:30
  it enough. From the experience that we have
• 1:05:32
  of how it's distracting in a negative way.
• 1:05:34
  I agree with you. But I was saying earlier, let's
• 1:05:36
  move on to the next thing simply because and talking about
• 1:05:40
  children and employees and all that.
• 1:05:42
  So we're talking about how to give over.
• 1:05:44
  Let's now go back into how to take control of your own life,
• 1:05:48
  which is really what we started talking about.
• 1:05:50
  You said the 62nd book or something.
• 1:05:52
  I'd like to, I'd like for you to actually teach me what that book
• 1:05:55
  says in, in, in 50 seconds or less.
• 1:05:59
  And then talk about how I was on the phone with you and I was
• 1:06:05
  away for a full week in, in in a world where it was just the
• 1:06:10
  playful world it was I was skiing.
• 1:06:13
  And when I travel for vacation, like strictly just vacation,
• 1:06:18
  which I very rarely do I, I go, I travel a lot, but to travel
• 1:06:23
  and completely disconnect doesn't happen often.
• 1:06:26
  But when I do, I disconnect and I don't check my phone.
• 1:06:29
  I literally I don't check my emails.
• 1:06:31
  It's, I'm completely gone. So all those responsibilities
• 1:06:34
  that I have are just completely off my head.
• 1:06:36
  So it was off my head for a week and then I came back and it was
• 1:06:39
  Friday and then from 6:00 in the morning that morning of not
• 1:06:43
  sleeping for three days prior to that traveling because Jay
• 1:06:47
  Walden wanted to go to Koschevel.
• 1:06:49
  So we had to go to Koschevel. So you have to go from in middle
• 1:06:53
  middle of the winter and drive to Dulles Airport in Washington
• 1:06:56
  to fly down to a connecting flight to go through Switzerland
• 1:07:00
  to drive 3 hours, right. So just getting back home, you
• 1:07:03
  can imagine wasn't fun either. Best trip ever by the way,
• 1:07:06
  amazing skiing and, and, and tremendous there.
• 1:07:09
  Great Chabad there by the way, also met amazing people.
• 1:07:13
  The point is, though, got back and did Vasikin Friday morning
• 1:07:17
  and started my day and one thing after another started popping
• 1:07:21
  up. It was like, OK, so I got the
• 1:07:23
  school board challenges here, I got the business things that I
• 1:07:27
  got to do over here and I started jumping into it.
• 1:07:29
  Every single one of them. And I kept, you know, responding
• 1:07:33
  to messages that I didn't respond to for a couple of days.
• 1:07:35
  I've been archiving messages. That's how I know to go back to
• 1:07:38
  it. So I'm going back to it and I'm
• 1:07:40
  like, OK, one after another. And then came you and you're
• 1:07:43
  like. Dude are.
• 1:07:45
  We going to do this podcast and I'm like, yeah, yeah, we're
• 1:07:47
  going to do it. We're going to, I'm thinking in
• 1:07:48
  my head, OK, but it's a, you know, again, I'm back.
• 1:07:50
  It's time wise, you know, she's busy doing so much at prime
• 1:07:54
  source now that he's got to focus on it.
• 1:07:56
  And it's very important for us. Thank you again, Oshi, for all
• 1:07:59
  your hard work that you're doing and allowing me to do this.
• 1:08:03
  Absolutely. You know, I, I, I have said it
• 1:08:05
  before and I mean it and don't take it as an insult, but don't
• 1:08:08
  worry when we have someone in that, he's like, you know, oh,
• 1:08:11
  that's a guy I got to be here for.
• 1:08:13
  I'll pull him out and I'll schedule it.
• 1:08:15
  But this had to happen last second.
• 1:08:17
  The point is that I'm on the phone with you and you're kind
• 1:08:20
  of frustrated and I'm going to be honest with you and I'm going
• 1:08:22
  to tell you vulnerable. And that's why I said I don't
• 1:08:24
  want to start the conversation like this is because you are a
• 1:08:27
  schedule guy. And in speaking to you, you can
• 1:08:30
  tell in the tone of your voice that you are a schedule guy.
• 1:08:35
  There are people that I deal with that are schedule people
• 1:08:37
  and you know how I deal with them.
• 1:08:39
  I don't, I just, I don't do scheduling in three months from
• 1:08:42
  now, let's have lunch. It's like I'm available this
• 1:08:44
  week. You want to do lunch, Let's do
• 1:08:46
  it. Of course, if you're making a
• 1:08:47
  wedding, you have an event, you have a networking thing.
• 1:08:50
  I have to put it in my calendar. I have it in my notes.
• 1:08:52
  I don't have my calendar in my notes, upcoming events.
• 1:08:54
  And I have, you know, in the next 6 months all the things
• 1:08:56
  that I have to be at. So whenever someone says are you
• 1:08:58
  available in 2-3 months to open my notes with upcoming events.
• 1:09:01
  So scheduling podcasts are usually week to week, you know,
• 1:09:06
  but with you it was 2-3 weeks in advance.
• 1:09:08
  Let's put in the accounts, lock it in.
• 1:09:10
  And you and I kept trying to lock it in over and over again.
• 1:09:13
  Let's lock it in, let's lock it in.
• 1:09:15
  And we locked it in once or twice and it just didn't work
• 1:09:17
  out because I had to travel at the for business.
• 1:09:19
  And, you know, something personal, I felt in the tone of
• 1:09:22
  your voice that you were frustrated and also in the
• 1:09:24
  messaging. And I was like, OK, I, I, I want
• 1:09:26
  to do good by you. And I felt bad and the pressure
• 1:09:31
  and the pile of pressure that I just came off a board phone call
• 1:09:34
  for a school and a conversation in the business that I missed
• 1:09:38
  something and I had to participate in.
• 1:09:40
  And I also felt bad about that. And the common theme was the
• 1:09:43
  responsibilities that I came back to and the me feeling bad
• 1:09:47
  that I wasn't getting it all done while I was on the phone
• 1:09:50
  with you. I started to feel dizzy and you
• 1:09:54
  were talking and I wasn't even listening and it wasn't one of
• 1:09:56
  those typical talking and I was listening, but I knew you were
• 1:09:58
  frustrated about the schedule and you were being very nice,
• 1:10:01
  but I felt the undertone like it was I was being disrespectful to
• 1:10:04
  you because you're such a schedule guy and I'm not.
• 1:10:07
  So I'm like, Oh my God. And it wasn't frustrating me
• 1:10:10
  from that perspective. It was just like I wanted to do
• 1:10:12
  good by you and be respectful. Sally Klein recommended you.
• 1:10:15
  You need to be here. This is the process.
• 1:10:17
  This is like, I want to get recommended guests on the seat
• 1:10:20
  and see how it continues. And I want to see who you're
• 1:10:22
  going to recommend. And let's let that person and
• 1:10:24
  you know, if I mentioned someone like Avi Fischel, if I want to
• 1:10:26
  have him on. And that's how my brain works.
• 1:10:28
  Like the responsibilities just continue to pile on.
• 1:10:30
  So I'm on the phone with you and I'm walking and I'm pacing and
• 1:10:33
  I'm, you know, I'm in my Home Office and I'm just like walking
• 1:10:37
  around. And I say to you, I'm not, I'm
• 1:10:41
  not really feeling good. I just hung up on you.
• 1:10:43
  Just hung up. I just hung up, disconnected.
• 1:10:45
  I just disconnected. And when I hung up with you, my
• 1:10:48
  feeling was my blood pressure was going like, like down.
• 1:10:53
  And I was like, Oh my God, I, I, I, I, I guess I forgot to
• 1:10:58
  breathe. Maybe I, you know, consciously,
• 1:11:00
  if I would have known, maybe it would have helped.
• 1:11:02
  But I had this feeling and I, I can't say it in any other way.
• 1:11:07
  And for those of you that had a panic attack in the past, you'll
• 1:11:10
  agree with me like I was dying. I was, this is it.
• 1:11:14
  My life is over. Lights up.
• 1:11:17
  What's that? Lights out.
• 1:11:18
  Lights out, something's happening in my life that means
• 1:11:20
  that this is going to end and I need to do certain things.
• 1:11:24
  I need to make some phone calls and I need to take care of
• 1:11:26
  certain things. And my life was just spinning
• 1:11:28
  around me that this is it's over.
• 1:11:29
  It's like 10 seconds away from being over.
• 1:11:32
  So the first thing I did was a call that Solo 718231000 I'm in
• 1:11:37
  Rockland. I don't know the number here off
• 1:11:39
  by heart Now I know it, but then I just didn't know it.
• 1:11:43
  I call Hatzola and I'm like, I'm in Rockland.
• 1:11:46
  I need not to OK, hold on. I'm going to connect you.
• 1:11:49
  He couldn't connect the the Muncie Hatzola And I was getting
• 1:11:52
  very frustrated and again, feeling like I'm dying and I'm
• 1:11:55
  like, and I'm like, is the number 845?
• 1:12:00
  Yes, I called the you know, Rockland Hatzola.
• 1:12:03
  They came over and we realized that I had a panic attack and
• 1:12:09
  then I got, you know, back to life and, you know, you know,
• 1:12:13
  things were OK. And I realized what had
• 1:12:15
  happened. And I worked through it from
• 1:12:18
  then till now in a lot of different ways.
• 1:12:21
  I did ayahuasca. I'm kidding, but I, I, I went
• 1:12:27
  through that process. And I have to tell you also
• 1:12:31
  being vulnerable. I come back on my phone and
• 1:12:34
  there is Ezra Mac saying if you would have stayed on the phone
• 1:12:38
  with me, I could have walked you through it.
• 1:12:40
  And I'm like, kiss my Tokis. Are you kidding me?
• 1:12:43
  This is what you I'm calling Hatzalah.
• 1:12:45
  I'm done. No, but if you would have stuck
• 1:12:47
  on the phone with me, I could have walked.
• 1:12:49
  I was so frustrated from that comment.
• 1:12:50
  I'm like, I can't wait to bring it up when he gets here and I
• 1:12:52
  will. And that's where we're up to
• 1:12:54
  right now. Who the hell do you think you
• 1:12:56
  are to tell me you're going to walk me down from a panic attack
• 1:12:59
  as opposed to don't call Hatzalah, call me.
• 1:13:00
  Like really bro? Like, come on.
• 1:13:03
  So first I want to apologize because as you're saying, and I
• 1:13:10
  feel tears in my eyes, like, Oh my gosh, I really traumatized
• 1:13:13
  this guy for no reason. And then I want to say thank you
• 1:13:18
  because the last person in the world who anyone would think
• 1:13:22
  lives with the schedule is ADHD me.
• 1:13:24
  So the idea that your impression of me is that I work on a tight
• 1:13:27
  schedule is an incredible compliment, a testament to a
• 1:13:31
  lifetime of making sure that I am organized so that I can show
• 1:13:35
  up for others. Because for my own husband,
• 1:13:37
  there is no schedule. I make schedules to function,
• 1:13:41
  but I have to cater to others. So in order to be available for
• 1:13:46
  others in a proper way, my schedule is in service of
• 1:13:50
  working with other people for myself, who cares about the
• 1:13:53
  schedule? So I'm sorry and thank you.
• 1:13:57
  Apology accepted and you're welcome.
• 1:13:59
  And then from The Who is this guy?
• 1:14:02
  Who does he think he is? Egotistical freak?
• 1:14:05
  So I don't know if you know this, but not only was an IEM an
• 1:14:08
  EMT, but I was on the board. I ran multiple ambulance
• 1:14:11
  companies over the last 25 years so and I have a ton of
• 1:14:14
  experience in the street, specifically in the mental
• 1:14:17
  health space. So not only do I have multiple
• 1:14:21
  trainings EG Peter Levine, Reggie Melrose, some others
• 1:14:25
  Folly, Klein, etcetera that are all in the regulation space.
• 1:14:29
  In fact, the reason that I the, the reason that I have promoted
• 1:14:37
  Folly doing dazama breath work is because it took me a few
• 1:14:41
  years, but when I realized that underneath self regulation and
• 1:14:46
  somatic is breath work, like the core of it is actual breath And
• 1:14:51
  the idea that you could bring a kaddish Barhu into your breath
• 1:14:53
  and, and God's exhale is your inhale, right?
• 1:14:57
  But you packed the APA Hashem blew into Adam's nose.
• 1:14:59
  Our inhale is God's exhale. It's a, it's a cyclical thing.
• 1:15:06
  To bring that forward into the world is a critical need in
• 1:15:09
  today's world. That's what we need more than
• 1:15:10
  anything else. Anxiety is off the charts, which
• 1:15:14
  is an extreme dysregulation. So you're saying, what do you
• 1:15:19
  mean chutzpah? You could be able to help me in
• 1:15:21
  2 seconds. I don't know.
• 1:15:22
  Could we try? OK, but you're not having a
• 1:15:24
  panic attack now. So I want to tell you a thought
• 1:15:27
  that I had as you're speaking, your life did.
• 1:15:30
  And in that moment on that phone call, it'll never be the same.
• 1:15:34
  And the reason it took so long to get this thing scheduled is
• 1:15:36
  because you and I, we're not ready for that change, both for
• 1:15:39
  me and for you. And I say this after years and
• 1:15:43
  years of experience, knowing that nothing happens by chance
• 1:15:47
  and every interaction leads to a fascinating revelation.
• 1:15:58
  That comment where you said I felt like my life was ending.
• 1:16:02
  Your identity as Michael Greenfeld prior to that moment
• 1:16:08
  is not the same as the Michael Greenfeld I'm sitting with today
• 1:16:10
  and not the same as the Michael Greenfeld who will be here
• 1:16:12
  tomorrow, Well, tomorrow, Shabbos, Sunday.
• 1:16:17
  How can I say that with such calm, clear determination?
• 1:16:21
  Because it's true. And I see it happen over and
• 1:16:24
  over and over again. And when I asked you what's the
• 1:16:27
  goal of your podcast, why are you doing this?
• 1:16:31
  Back when we spoke, whenever it was, you said, actually it
• 1:16:38
  started off as sort of a marketing thing and we were just
• 1:16:40
  like feeling our way around. But now it became something I
• 1:16:43
  could learn and grow from. And inside I said, oh, this is
• 1:16:49
  going to be interesting for both of us.
• 1:16:52
  So I'm sorry I came across as annoyed or frustrated or
• 1:16:56
  whatever. I wanted to write by you and by
• 1:16:59
  your listeners, and I want to show up in the right headspace,
• 1:17:02
  in the right frame of mind with the ability to surf in a way
• 1:17:06
  that makes a difference. Because that identity thing I
• 1:17:09
  was talking about back in September of 2001 happened to me
• 1:17:13
  multiple times, different incidents.
• 1:17:16
  And I don't want to go down this whole pathway of almost losing
• 1:17:19
  my vision during COVID. For a guy who sees things before
• 1:17:23
  other people see it, who's ahead of the curve multiple times
• 1:17:26
  throughout my life where I just know something, I see potential
• 1:17:29
  on people. And I don't love that word the
• 1:17:30
  way it's used. Robert Wellstein and I used to
• 1:17:32
  argue about potential all the time.
• 1:17:34
  I'd be like, never use the word potential because potential is
• 1:17:37
  weaponized. You have so much potential, if
• 1:17:40
  only so and so would behave. They have so much potential.
• 1:17:42
  Think about all those report cards, most of my clients over
• 1:17:44
  the years, the teenagers would have potential multiple times on
• 1:17:47
  their report cards. It's a weaponized work.
• 1:17:49
  Now the joke is on me because I have a 21 year old daughter,
• 1:17:51
  Anshadakam Astor Max, incredible, incredible young
• 1:17:55
  women who has a keynote speech on extreme potential called X
• 1:18:00
  potential, extreme potential, X potential.
• 1:18:03
  And she's leveraged this in multiple scenarios from high
• 1:18:07
  school to seminary to work to she's she's in a school now
• 1:18:09
  helping kids who are struggling in Nefesh Academy.
• 1:18:12
  And the jokes on me that my own kids running around with an X
• 1:18:16
  potential keynote speech. So not the weaponized kind of
• 1:18:22
  potential, the innate potential, the God-given potential, the
• 1:18:26
  abilities that we barely barely tap into.
• 1:18:28
  I was looking at the letter mem this week.
• 1:18:32
  Mem is the only letter that's spelt it with its own letters.
• 1:18:36
  So mem, when you spell out mem is mem and the mem, it has a
• 1:18:40
  open mem and has a closed mem. And it's also the first letter
• 1:18:44
  in my Sharbain, his name. And then one of the things that
• 1:18:46
  represents 4040. We know 40 is 40 saw 40 days. 40
• 1:18:53
  is a is a number of of creation and and it's also Maya Terra.
• 1:19:01
  The the core of life. As much as we know is how little
• 1:19:09
  we know. The more we learn, the more we
• 1:19:11
  know we don't know. And it does does we, we start,
• 1:19:16
  but does unlimited. It's just, it's, it's just
• 1:19:18
  impossible to achieve all of it. And so, and I want to talk about
• 1:19:21
  goal setting. So if I don't get there, we're
• 1:19:23
  going to close with that. My new perspective on goal
• 1:19:25
  setting. How can I help you or anyone?
• 1:19:30
  Or how could I claim that someone who's having a panic
• 1:19:32
  attack is able to get out of it quickly just like that without
• 1:19:36
  me knowing anything? Like, what goal do I have to
• 1:19:39
  tell someone who feels like their life is flashing in front
• 1:19:41
  of them? Well, you called Hotzala.
• 1:19:43
  What did you want them to do for you?
• 1:19:44
  I. Wanted to make sure I'm not
• 1:19:46
  having a heart attack. I had no idea what a panic
• 1:19:48
  attack was so my first reaction is I don't know what's
• 1:19:51
  happening. Call Hotzala, which I highly
• 1:19:53
  recommend to anyone. They should you know.
• 1:19:55
  Do not call Ezra Max if you feel like you're having a heart
• 1:19:57
  attack. Please don't.
• 1:19:58
  I used to run an ambulance company.
• 1:19:59
  I don't. But you can definitely call him
• 1:20:01
  to tell you why or how to use the 62nd book that you were
• 1:20:05
  mentioning before or the tools that you have.
• 1:20:07
  And in 30 seconds, tell me now if I would have told you, Ezra.
• 1:20:12
  I'm having a panic attack. I'm having a panic.
• 1:20:13
  Attack. What do I do?
• 1:20:16
  Go. I would have told you, is there
• 1:20:18
  a chair nearby? Sit in the chair, please.
• 1:20:21
  You're in a chair right now. Feel the chair supporting you,
• 1:20:24
  taking the support of the chair, and settle into the chair.
• 1:20:26
  Your seat, your back. Just notice the chair.
• 1:20:29
  Feel where the chair is supporting you.
• 1:20:31
  Take your feet, put them flat on the ground and imagine you're at
• 1:20:35
  the beach with your feet in the sand and that your feet are
• 1:20:38
  planted in the sand and notice the bottom.
• 1:20:41
  You feel that this tingling in the bottom of your feet.
• 1:20:43
  I can feel it here. So you feel it.
• 1:20:46
  You want to know, how do I know your feet are tingling?
• 1:20:48
  Check. Notice your feet, notice your
• 1:20:52
  seat, notice your back. And now blow out very calmly.
• 1:20:57
  And then in with your nose and in with your nose and take it as
• 1:21:03
  far down into your belly as you can.
• 1:21:05
  And in a moment, I'm going to have you take your ready or
• 1:21:07
  lefty, all righty, put your hand on your belly.
• 1:21:11
  And then the next one, just push in a little bit.
• 1:21:14
  Push in when you're exhaling, push in on your belly.
• 1:21:20
  Hold for a second. That's the tension coming out.
• 1:21:27
  I'm not tensed. I just feel the tension coming
• 1:21:28
  out. Feel your feet again.
• 1:21:30
  And in a moment, you'll probably notice a feeling in your temples
• 1:21:33
  or your forehead, maybe the back of your neck, maybe even your
• 1:21:36
  throat, something well subtly shift.
• 1:21:41
  And if you go back into your head, are you trying to decode
• 1:21:43
  what I'm doing? Because it looks like you went
• 1:21:44
  into thinking brain, just come right back to your feet and find
• 1:21:49
  your feet on the floor. Your foot dancing tells me that
• 1:21:52
  you just got you went back into your head.
• 1:21:53
  You. Yeah, because I'm thinking too
• 1:21:54
  much about it. It's not the right moment to do
• 1:21:56
  it, but I like that you're describing how to do it if
• 1:21:57
  someone wants to. That's the thing that's very
• 1:22:00
  important for anyone listening to, to understand that, you
• 1:22:03
  know, if they go through a moment, we're challenged to sit
• 1:22:06
  down and notice their surrounding and, you know,
• 1:22:09
  breathe properly and, you know, notice your breathing on your
• 1:22:12
  stomach from in and out, which is very, very helpful.
• 1:22:14
  So I definitely appreciate that. Pause for one minute.
• 1:22:17
  It is so important to do this not under duress.
• 1:22:21
  I was out of training where there was a special agent in
• 1:22:23
  charge from the FBI. Special agent in charge of I
• 1:22:27
  forget what, who's doing a training on active shooter
• 1:22:30
  scenario. Negotiations, that guy.
• 1:22:32
  Not that guy, not Chris Wass in actual I was in the room and he
• 1:22:34
  was talking about an active shooter scenario and and you
• 1:22:37
  know, hide and lock down and all the stuff.
• 1:22:40
  Pray. Yeah, he didn't say that.
• 1:22:42
  Take out your gun. That was what I was saying.
• 1:22:46
  And so I I said, but Sir, he said, oh, he said this comment,
• 1:22:49
  He said you will fail to your highest level of training.
• 1:22:52
  Now, you don't know this, but I actually went to the Peace
• 1:22:54
  Officer Academy. I'm in New York State.
• 1:22:57
  I have to go to Academy and firearms training, all different
• 1:23:00
  types of cool stuff, right? And I said, what do you mean
• 1:23:04
  you'll fail to your highest level of training?
• 1:23:06
  Won't you succeed to your highest level of training?
• 1:23:08
  He said no, under duress. When someone's attacking you,
• 1:23:13
  you're not going to be able to be creative.
• 1:23:15
  Your creative brain is going to be offline.
• 1:23:17
  Only your training, your highest level of ingrained training is
• 1:23:20
  going to show up. So if someone's having an active
• 1:23:23
  panic attack and you're not trained in this thing
• 1:23:26
  internally, you're not going to remember what to do.
• 1:23:28
  Like you don't remember what's all his phone number.
• 1:23:29
  That's a perfect example. Overwhelm.
• 1:23:31
  You remembered the thing that you had practiced, not on the
• 1:23:33
  duress. That's why I said before, people
• 1:23:35
  don't hear the messaging if unless they're under a little
• 1:23:38
  bit of pressure, but not too much pressure.
• 1:23:40
  So it has to be enough pressure that they're paying attention,
• 1:23:43
  right? Which is why people have to pay.
• 1:23:44
  People have to pay to pay attention.
• 1:23:46
  I didn't understand this. I used to give away a lot of
• 1:23:48
  free time. I still do, but differently.
• 1:23:50
  And I realized that I would help people, but I would hurt them
• 1:23:53
  because I would give them some type of solution very quickly,
• 1:23:56
  but because they didn't pay for it, they wouldn't necessarily
• 1:23:58
  implement it. And then they would say he
• 1:24:00
  doesn't have anything else for me.
• 1:24:01
  Or they would wait a year until they called me back and they
• 1:24:06
  lost out a whole year of growth and development.
• 1:24:08
  And so now I've switched that people pay to pay attention and
• 1:24:11
  interestingly enough, to have tremendous results.
• 1:24:14
  Nothing to do with me because it's not about me.
• 1:24:17
  I'm just, I'm just in service of Hashem's goodwill in the world.
• 1:24:22
  I, I say, you're grinning at me. I don't know why.
• 1:24:24
  I'm a nothing. I'm a nobody.
• 1:24:26
  I have skills, talents, abilities.
• 1:24:28
  I'm, I'm this weirdo who's OK with my weirdo Ness, if you
• 1:24:30
  will. And I could be very normal, but
• 1:24:34
  not in a normal conventional sense.
• 1:24:35
  By the way, anyone who tells me that normal, I get worried about
• 1:24:37
  because normal means like everyone else.
• 1:24:39
  And just like we all have different fingerprints, we're
• 1:24:42
  all different. We just try to look the same.
• 1:24:45
  Or Vice Feedback told me a long time ago, you can't say
• 1:24:47
  someone's not normal. You say they're not common, so I
• 1:24:50
  like that. Uncommon.
• 1:24:51
  Yeah, exactly. Now, I was looking at you
• 1:24:53
  because you were describing something that I think people
• 1:24:55
  need to verbalize more, which is we are a messenger.
• 1:24:59
  We are put here for a reason. It's like people who make money
• 1:25:02
  and think that they are put in this world to just spend it.
• 1:25:05
  You, you know, it's a conduit. You're a messenger of how to
• 1:25:07
  spend that money properly and give back to the community and
• 1:25:10
  grow and do which I which I love.
• 1:25:12
  Love the people, not the money. Money is a servant, not the
• 1:25:15
  master. Remember that I said it before
• 1:25:18
  and I should say it again. It's exit.
• 1:25:20
  Bless you, Stephen Will, we'll make a clip out of that.
• 1:25:25
  Your final thought that you wanted to mention, I don't want
• 1:25:26
  to forget about it before we wrap up.
• 1:25:28
  You said something, a new way of thinking of organizing
• 1:25:31
  something. Oh, goals.
• 1:25:31
  OK, so time two things I want to say back to to the schedule
• 1:25:36
  thing somehow got on your way. I don't know why.
• 1:25:39
  I don't care about that and I'm way past that I hope.
• 1:25:41
  No, no, no. I want to tell you something.
• 1:25:42
  There's something fascinating in your way of navigating around
• 1:25:46
  schedule that actually is going to be interesting to work
• 1:25:50
  through. Target.
• 1:25:51
  Yeah. That's all I have to say about
• 1:25:52
  it. That's an invitation and a
• 1:25:54
  challenge. OK #2 I have a gift for you.
• 1:25:58
  I have to. Oh.
• 1:25:59
  This has this is actually part of this.
• 1:26:01
  I just want to say I hate gifts, but bring it on.
• 1:26:03
  So so I have to say it because I I got taught Sona Matanasya.
• 1:26:06
  You know if you don't, if you hate, OK, so you can live a long
• 1:26:09
  life. You can pay for it, so I said
• 1:26:11
  it, but this journal was created.
• 1:26:16
  It's called a. Journal of Becoming Take a look
• 1:26:19
  at it. It was.
• 1:26:20
  It's based on the content and of course called Vessel, which is
• 1:26:24
  about building yourself and becoming more.
• 1:26:27
  By Valley Klein Oh my God. A1 line a day, five year
• 1:26:30
  journal. OK.
• 1:26:31
  But look at the top. Every Oh my God is that.
• 1:26:33
  Michael, what's your what's your birthday?
• 1:26:35
  What's your birthday? The book is empty, you got to
• 1:26:38
  fill it in. But if there's a New York Times
• 1:26:40
  #1 bestseller that I saw, there's nothing there.
• 1:26:42
  Everything that men know about women, empty.
• 1:26:45
  This is not blank pages, though. There's room to fill in.
• 1:26:48
  So. And there's rules.
• 1:26:49
  My birthday. You want me to go?
• 1:26:50
  What's your birthday? Alright, it's September 26th.
• 1:26:52
  I'm a proud Libra. All about balance.
• 1:26:54
  And what's the quote at the top of the page, please?
• 1:26:56
  What's the quote on top of the page of September 26th?
• 1:26:59
  I'm imagining it has something to do with my personality.
• 1:27:03
  Safety grows in the soil of consistency.
• 1:27:07
  OK, OK. All right, that's nice.
• 1:27:09
  So each day of the 365 day year has a quote that comes directly
• 1:27:14
  out of the vessel content or the Azamar breathwork content, OK.
• 1:27:17
  And it's meant as an anchor or potentially something to to as
• 1:27:21
  an anchor to wrap your wits around potentially to April.
• 1:27:24
  First, healthy anger is meant to end cycles, not start wars.
• 1:27:30
  So who made-up all these? Lines.
• 1:27:31
  Is this all these content? Good for you, Valley.
• 1:27:34
  Thank you. I appreciate the fact that you
• 1:27:36
  recommended such a superhero over here today.
• 1:27:39
  And it comes with a matching pen it.
• 1:27:40
  Comes with a matching pen phenomenal.
• 1:27:44
  So what am I supposed to do so today, for example, today I'm
• 1:27:46
  opening it up go ahead. What's today's date whatever it
• 1:27:50
  is March something No, no, you got to pick the right date.
• 1:27:52
  I'm I'm going to but I'm saying but but what am I?
• 1:27:54
  What am I? Saying it has a date.
• 1:27:55
  Yeah. OK.
• 1:27:55
  Then it on the right side it says what day of the week it is.
• 1:27:58
  It's Friday. Circle Friday on the top, but
• 1:28:00
  you can fill in what year it is. OK, you fell in 2020.
• 1:28:03
  Sure, Friday and then you couldn't do this.
• 1:28:05
  One of you could. There's a number of ways you
• 1:28:06
  could do this. A very fascinating way to do is
• 1:28:09
  what were the highlight moments from the day?
• 1:28:10
  So you have a record and over five years you're going to come
• 1:28:13
  back to the same date and see, Oh my, this time last year I was
• 1:28:16
  sitting in the studio. I love you dearly.
• 1:28:17
  There's no way I'm ever going to fill anything out over here.
• 1:28:20
  I'm just being honest with you. I don't fill out journals.
• 1:28:21
  I don't write things like this. I, I don't read as much as I
• 1:28:25
  should. So you know your wife and do it
• 1:28:27
  better. At night, spend a moment.
• 1:28:29
  It's just not going to hashing the day.
• 1:28:30
  I'm just not that guy. There are some people that will
• 1:28:32
  write things down and you can connect to them and then open up
• 1:28:35
  yourself and then I'm not I'm not writing.
• 1:28:36
  I write things down here. I'm not me personally, it
• 1:28:39
  doesn't work. However, I will re gift this to
• 1:28:41
  somebody, maybe one of my kids who I think it will be a good,
• 1:28:45
  you know, journey for them. I said that on purpose.
• 1:28:49
  Journey. I got that.
• 1:28:49
  No, but I appreciate the gift nonetheless.
• 1:28:51
  Thank you. I'm just being honest with you.
• 1:28:52
  I'm not going to fill it out. I believe you and I struggle to
• 1:28:54
  fill it out regularly. But you work on yourself, and
• 1:28:56
  this is the kind of work that you want to do.
• 1:28:58
  Yeah, no, I do, but not with writing stuff left down yet.
• 1:29:01
  Can I tell you something fascinating about meta
• 1:29:03
  processing? Go ahead.
• 1:29:04
  We think we learn from experience, which is why people
• 1:29:06
  are running after experience after experience after
• 1:29:08
  experience. No, no, actually distracting.
• 1:29:11
  Hold on, experienced experience. I am so happy.
• 1:29:14
  I'm like excited for you that you went away, shut off your
• 1:29:17
  phone, disappeared and and checked out because a real
• 1:29:20
  vacation requires that. I have a client who goes away
• 1:29:24
  relatively regularly, but he works while he's away and I told
• 1:29:27
  him don't go away. If you're working, go away.
• 1:29:29
  You need the time recalibrate, come back fresh.
• 1:29:33
  Don't be working while you're gone.
• 1:29:35
  I can't, OK, You need to. The more you can't go away, the
• 1:29:38
  more you have to. I didn't always believe this,
• 1:29:40
  but I've come to learn this and it's important, number one.
• 1:29:42
  Number two, we don't learn from experience.
• 1:29:44
  We learn from processing and experience.
• 1:29:47
  And the way we best process an experience is by thinking it
• 1:29:50
  through, writing something about it, and then sharing it and
• 1:29:53
  getting a reflection from another.
• 1:29:55
  So you're right, journaling is not for most people or for many
• 1:29:58
  people. I don't know most, I don't know
• 1:30:00
  most of this. But the act of journaling takes
• 1:30:04
  things from that cluttered head and puts it on paper and then
• 1:30:08
  gives us an opportunity to kinesthetically connect with it
• 1:30:11
  and also to process it just for ourselves.
• 1:30:14
  And so it could anchor thoughts, beliefs, ideas, growth, movement
• 1:30:18
  and so. The encouragement is to try
• 1:30:23
  something new, but you don't have only because you use such a
• 1:30:25
  cool word like kinesthetically will I think about journaling
• 1:30:28
  something simply because I do what you're saying already?
• 1:30:31
  I just don't do it consciously and with intention.
• 1:30:33
  So I'm going to start, which is I do learn from other people's
• 1:30:36
  experience because why should I, God forbid, have to go through
• 1:30:38
  such a terrible experience of someone elses?
• 1:30:40
  So I process it and I do write it down.
• 1:30:42
  There are these are things that I've done in the past, but
• 1:30:44
  subconsciously I'm going to subconsciously write them.
• 1:30:47
  No meaning. Like I don't even realize I'm
• 1:30:48
  writing it down. I'm writing it down like, oh, I
• 1:30:50
  learned from it. Now I know in the future when I
• 1:30:52
  learn something from experience with someone, I'll try to find
• 1:30:54
  the journal. I'll borrow it from whichever
• 1:30:56
  kid I give it to, put in a line, and I'll put in a line in that
• 1:30:58
  day of something I learned, and I can look back and reflect upon
• 1:31:00
  it and learn from that in the future, which is so cool.
• 1:31:02
  I love that. How do you learn from today so
• 1:31:04
  far? Because I'll give you one more
• 1:31:05
  I. Was going to say that we we
• 1:31:07
  always like to finish up our podcast with you asking me a
• 1:31:09
  question. I can go as your question.
• 1:31:11
  Is that your question for me? Sure.
• 1:31:12
  But I want to talk to you about goals.
• 1:31:13
  So are we going to wrap on that question?
• 1:31:15
  I, I am going back and rereading some of the material that I got
• 1:31:20
  from Bob Proctor many years ago. And I, I, my fascination with
• 1:31:26
  goal setting was very much influenced by him.
• 1:31:29
  And today I think about goals as pathway thinking, meaning goals
• 1:31:35
  should, should be attainable, achievable, SMART goals.
• 1:31:37
  We talked about courses and lectures on it, if you will.
• 1:31:40
  And I've, I've helped people, you know, navigate this.
• 1:31:43
  But that's within our capacity. What about the goals that are
• 1:31:46
  beyond, not stretch goals, but like extra stretch goals where I
• 1:31:50
  don't know how I can achieve that.
• 1:31:52
  Goals are not meant to be accomplished.
• 1:31:54
  Goals are meant to stretch us so we become more of who we can
• 1:31:58
  become. So if I can think of how I'm
• 1:32:01
  going to get to something, it's not actually a goal.
• 1:32:03
  If you think you want to lease a new car, you want to drive a
• 1:32:05
  fancier car, very easy, tangible, specific, you can
• 1:32:09
  afford it, so what's the difference?
• 1:32:11
  It's not actually a goal for you.
• 1:32:13
  But if you think you want to own a plane and you have no idea how
• 1:32:17
  you're going to pay for a plane right now, or you want to fly a
• 1:32:20
  plane and you're not even thinking about a pilot's
• 1:32:21
  license, that's going to now change how you think about what
• 1:32:26
  you're doing for the next 6 months if you really want to fly
• 1:32:28
  that plane. But if it's not really a goal
• 1:32:30
  and it's just something that's a distraction, then OK, let it go.
• 1:32:34
  What are you trying to really accomplish?
• 1:32:37
  Who are you trying to become? Because you need to become that
• 1:32:40
  person in order to accomplish that thing.
• 1:32:44
  And so when we think about when, when I think about goals now and
• 1:32:46
  talk about goals, I'm thinking about who is it that we're
• 1:32:49
  striving to become? Where is it?
• 1:32:52
  Because there's an identity piece that I see, I see my
• 1:32:56
  clients going through where there's a shift.
• 1:33:00
  They built something, they're responsible, they're smart,
• 1:33:02
  they're creative, they're adaptive.
• 1:33:03
  Everything is figure out about they, they, they got here.
• 1:33:06
  And it wasn't it wasn't without being talented, creative,
• 1:33:09
  adaptable, driven, determined, having Mazel davening, giving
• 1:33:12
  Sedaka all of those things, right?
• 1:33:14
  But now we're hitting a wall or a ceiling and there's actually
• 1:33:19
  an identity piece that's showing up.
• 1:33:21
  And I used to talk about strategy and tactics and all
• 1:33:23
  this stuff and mindset. And that's important.
• 1:33:26
  But even more important than that is identity.
• 1:33:31
  Identity is core, and identity shifts over time, especially as
• 1:33:34
  we're getting a little bit older and a little bit more mature and
• 1:33:36
  our responsibilities are shifting.
• 1:33:39
  Who is it that I am becoming? And we don't always slow down to
• 1:33:43
  ask that question. So life happens, stressors
• 1:33:47
  happen and force us to pay attention.
• 1:33:54
  And that's really where the real work begins.
• 1:33:57
  All of the stuff that gets us here was just the framework, the
• 1:34:00
  foundation to get to these identity.
• 1:34:02
  Once we have this identity, then we could start framing our
• 1:34:05
  decisions and then our behaviors will be reflected in that.
• 1:34:08
  I really like the idea of being conscious about your goals and
• 1:34:11
  pushing yourself and it's smart. It's a good way of thinking and
• 1:34:15
  it makes everything that you're doing throughout your day in
• 1:34:17
  your life relevant and with intentions.
• 1:34:19
  So I like that a lot. So I appreciate that very much.
• 1:34:23
  Thank you for that. So again, wrapping up your your
• 1:34:26
  question to me, if you have any questions, you asked me one
• 1:34:30
  quickly before what did I learn? What do you take?
• 1:34:32
  Away from our conversation today.
• 1:34:35
  I take away don't judge a book by its cover because you look
• 1:34:39
  like a Henno teller, but you are a force to be reckoned with.
• 1:34:44
  You are a machine. You are a police.
• 1:34:47
  You are a leader. You are a thought visionary type
• 1:34:50
  of guy. And, and, and the fact that you,
• 1:34:53
  you know, you're a carrier of, of you know, so I mean by a gun
• 1:34:58
  carrier, you know, it's not something I would think about
• 1:35:01
  when I see you. And I think that's what you get
• 1:35:02
  a lot when you travel is that you look like a Rabbi Mashiach
• 1:35:06
  influencer from a Holy spiritual level, but you're so down to
• 1:35:10
  earth and you're so relevant with experience that are that
• 1:35:13
  happens here and you have a plethora.
• 1:35:15
  Oh, she likes that word. So that's for you of information
• 1:35:18
  that's very, very usable to share, usable information to
• 1:35:21
  share. So I appreciate that learning
• 1:35:23
  that about. Today, Thank you.
• 1:35:24
  So I'm going to ask you a question about me based on your
• 1:35:26
  reflection. Is using the title Rabbi a pro
• 1:35:32
  or a con as I navigate the world of business owners, business
• 1:35:36
  leadership, real influence? I think that because your name
• 1:35:40
  is not Haim Yankel, you could be Rabbi Ezra Max.
• 1:35:43
  And it's cool. You have a cool name and your
• 1:35:46
  cool name can ride along with the with the preface of saying
• 1:35:50
  I'm a rabbi as well. So you're a cool rabbi.
• 1:35:52
  You're the rabbi I want to get to know.
• 1:35:53
  You're the rabbi that's putting a good name for other rabbis.
• 1:35:56
  And you're not just the rabbi that knows, like I always say,
• 1:35:58
  meat and dairy or, you know, you can identify a cloth.
• 1:36:02
  You're a rabbi that you can learn from.
• 1:36:05
  And that's why I'm proud to call you rabbi and friend.
• 1:36:07
  So thank you for that. I appreciate that.
• 1:36:09
  I, I, I grew up around real rabbis.
• 1:36:11
  I say my father's the real rabbi, and I had the opportunity
• 1:36:14
  to be around Gadalam throughout my life, throughout my who's?
• 1:36:18
  The biggest Gadal you ever met? I, I don't know how to rank
• 1:36:21
  Gadalam bug Kadali Haddar. So I was I, I don't know who to
• 1:36:25
  who to Peck, if you will. I, I'll tell you 22 fascinating
• 1:36:28
  stories, someone I'd be interested in hearing.
• 1:36:29
  That's David Feinstein, Zatzal who who amazing human being.
• 1:36:34
  Actually the conversation about calling Gadala and whatever.
• 1:36:37
  I have a question about what happens if a psychiatrist or
• 1:36:40
  psychologist is saying one thing and I'm saying something else.
• 1:36:43
  Like how do I navigate that tension because I want to be.
• 1:36:46
  And you're on a hatsolo call. No, or whatever the situation
• 1:36:49
  with the client, what are he? However, he answered me.
• 1:36:51
  It was a very real conversation for me because what he talked
• 1:36:54
  about was a Christ. Our conversation that led was
• 1:36:55
  about responsibilities. Yeah, I was fascinating how how
• 1:37:01
  he he answered without getting into the it's not a a conflict,
• 1:37:04
  it's a it's about responsibility and and whatnot.
• 1:37:07
  That was 1. And then there's another story I
• 1:37:09
  had with rubies of Rosenblums. That's all.
• 1:37:11
  I don't know the. Shiva of Sharia, Sharon Bauer
• 1:37:13
  Park, who was respected by the Khasida Chandelid fish.
• 1:37:16
  And there was a school I was doing a workshop for, for
• 1:37:18
  teachers. And they said that I couldn't
• 1:37:20
  come speak because I didn't have a Haskama from a roof, from
• 1:37:24
  there, from arrival, from their own.
• 1:37:26
  I'm not sure if it was there they needed his Haskama or
• 1:37:28
  something. So I, I went with somebody who I
• 1:37:31
  respect, a mentor of mine, to automate of his to go meet with
• 1:37:35
  him late at night in his house. And I went over my curriculum
• 1:37:39
  and he said, is there anything else?
• 1:37:40
  And we went through it and he said, so what's the problem?
• 1:37:44
  I said, I don't, I don't know. And we talked about this thing
• 1:37:46
  about respect, about how to identify kids who are struggling
• 1:37:49
  and how not to penalize them for struggling and how to build them
• 1:37:52
  and how to build a self esteem, which is key.
• 1:37:53
  By the way, we didn't talk about this.
• 1:37:55
  We must always be thinking, how am I building an uplifting this
• 1:37:58
  person's self esteem? Whatever we're doing, if we have
• 1:38:01
  that one filter, how am I helping this person in front of
• 1:38:05
  me feel better about themselves? We have accomplished everything
• 1:38:08
  we needed to do without any other pieces to it.
• 1:38:12
  And then as we were leaving, he said to me, and if you want, you
• 1:38:16
  don't have to have a beard. He was very mocked by having
• 1:38:18
  beards. So I was shocked.
• 1:38:20
  I said to him, I shouldn't have a beard.
• 1:38:22
  Like, why not? I was just taken by surprise.
• 1:38:27
  And he, he, I think he put his hand on my, on my arm, my
• 1:38:31
  shoulder. And he said, because there are
• 1:38:32
  kids who will be able to be macabre from you if you're clean
• 1:38:35
  shaven and they won't, they won't be able to listen to you
• 1:38:38
  if you have a beard. And without thinking, I blurted
• 1:38:42
  out, which I have a tendency to do.
• 1:38:45
  I said, Rasha Shiva, I want to have a bigger beard because kids
• 1:38:49
  could still talk to me even with a beard.
• 1:38:51
  And even the ones who won't talk to a beard, I I want, I want to
• 1:38:54
  be able to be there in that way for them.
• 1:38:59
  Wow, I'm just giving you permission.
• 1:39:01
  Wow. Well, you, you you remind me of
• 1:39:03
  that story. OK, Thank you for that.
• 1:39:05
  OK, yeah, makes sense. I like that.
• 1:39:07
  And of course, before we wrap up, our final question that I
• 1:39:11
  would ask you is who would you recommend would be a good person
• 1:39:14
  to sit in that seat? If you started a podcast
• 1:39:16
  tomorrow, who would you go after?
• 1:39:18
  Who would that person be? I thought about this question.
• 1:39:24
  I have a whole long litany of people that you should
• 1:39:26
  definitely interview. Of course the.
• 1:39:27
  Gentleman that I want to recommend.
• 1:39:29
  Who's the one? The gentleman I want to
• 1:39:31
  recommend sold his company for almost a billion dollars.
• 1:39:36
  He's a from guy and every conversation that we've had come
• 1:39:39
  out, every conversation starts or ends with Inviteera for and,
• 1:39:43
  and, and has a flavor of who are we being and how are we showing
• 1:39:48
  up in the real world? And his name is Meish Bodnar,
• 1:39:51
  Mark Bodnar. He's the current CEO of future
• 1:39:55
  care, future care consultant, whatever the FPC it's now
• 1:39:59
  called. It's a conglomerate of companies
• 1:40:02
  in the healthcare space, you know, ish.
• 1:40:04
  I met him for the first time at ECAP 3 months ago and I can't
• 1:40:07
  wait for you to call him and ask him to come on.
• 1:40:09
  I don't know if he's a guy with the schedule, so you're going to
• 1:40:11
  have to schedule. Come on, you're.
• 1:40:13
  Going to have I'm. Going to give you, I'm going to
• 1:40:15
  give you something. I'm going to tell you something
• 1:40:16
  interesting. The people that I have met over
• 1:40:19
  the past decade or so, the wealthier and more successful
• 1:40:23
  they are, the more time they have for people.
• 1:40:25
  It's fascinating. He makes, by the way, Friday.
• 1:40:28
  I don't think I'm not to say. This it's a Friday and so on.
• 1:40:30
  Yeah, go, go ahead. I'm thinking, So what, you're
• 1:40:34
  texting him? Yeah, I'm calling you.
• 1:40:37
  You giving him a heads up? I'm OK with what you're doing,
• 1:40:41
  I'm just teasing. Oh, I have to take myself out of
• 1:40:44
  airplane mode. Good for you that you went on
• 1:40:46
  airplane mode. Otherwise, yeah.
• 1:40:48
  Yeah, yeah, I respect your time and space.
• 1:40:50
  It would be. Thank you.
• 1:40:52
  What? What is he doing on Fridays?
• 1:40:55
  Fridays. He makes time for people that he
• 1:40:57
  mentors who are up and coming in the business world, and he
• 1:41:00
  schedules appointments with them and he talks through their
• 1:41:04
  business plan, what they're up to, what their next action steps
• 1:41:06
  are. Still, I don't know.
• 1:41:08
  I just announced to the whole world that he does that.
• 1:41:09
  Oops. I'm sorry.
• 1:41:10
  You know, if people need it, then it's good to know,
• 1:41:12
  Otherwise, how are people going to know, right?
• 1:41:14
  Trump, I'm on speaker. Absolutely.
• 1:41:17
  You could tell him who you're with, of course, and and that
• 1:41:21
  you recommended him. You can hear I'll put her over
• 1:41:23
  here. I'm messing with you.
• 1:41:28
  If he doesn't pick up, obviously it's OK and you'll get him on
• 1:41:30
  and I appreciate the attempt. By now you want to pick up.
• 1:41:35
  Thank you to all of our subscribers.
• 1:41:36
  Thank you again to the Prime Source production team.
• 1:41:39
  Thank you to Steph, Will, and all the people behind the scenes
• 1:41:41
  who are doing phenomenal with all the editing and the shorts.
• 1:41:44
  We're doing some great stuff out there.
• 1:41:46
  We really appreciate your comments and your feedback.
• 1:41:49
  And thank you so much for Ezra Max for joining us.
• 1:41:52
  This has been a pleasure. And thank you.
• 1:41:55
  It's a wrap. Amazing.
• 1:41:57
  Wow. Phenomenal.
• 1:41:59
  Beautiful.