Latest / Glovisor Podcast / The Stories You Tell Yourself Are Keeping You Stuck | Marc Hildebrand [Ep 71]

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The Stories You Tell Yourself Are Keeping You Stuck | Marc Hildebrand [Ep 71] · Glovisor Podcast

• Marc Hildebrand: Nobody ever taught me how to really pull intrinsic motivation, not just to me and motivate people and be their cheerleader, but ask them questions that really pull out, this is what I was meant to do. This is the impact that I'm gonna make, and this is why I'm doing this, Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: Welcome to the Glovisor Podcast, where we explore business growth, communication, and personal development through real conversations with people that make an impact. Our guest is the founder of Modern Leadership Coaching, an Amazon international bestselling author, and a 20 year LAPD sergeant. After losing 100 pounds and transforming how he led at work and at home, he created the growth model to help. coaches and leaders uncover the beliefs driving behavior and create sustainable change. Glovisor welcomes Mark Hildebrand. Marc Hildebrand: you got it right, Joe. Thank you for having me, Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: Excellent. Marc Hildebrand: bruh. Thank you for having me. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: You're welcome. Looking forward to it. All Marc Hildebrand: Meet you. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: right, Mark. So let's begin. What specific problems does your business solve and who do you help? Marc Hildebrand: That's such a great question. So I am well, first off, let me start off with this. Like my my most important role in the world is being a father and a husband. That is what is primarily like everything that I build things around has to do with like me showing up for my family as my best self. You're gonna hear that through my story, especially like in times when I didn't necessarily do that. when I think about like what I do, a lot of what I do is what's called self-leadership. me and my wife, we created a certification. And what we do in that certification is we help leaders, entrepreneurs, and business owners. To perform at their highest level, no matter what life is throwing at them. When life is lifing, when whirlwind of of your life is kind of like coming up, how do you still show up as the best version of you without trying to outwork the problem and make like all of this burnout kind of like stuff come up for you? How do you do it in a way that's sustainable, but also allows you to show up as your best self for your family and for the things that matter most? And so that's what we do is we teach inside of our certification. We talk we teach the growth model, which is what you shared. But it's a lot about being able to It go through situations, come out stronger on the other end, and then help other people going through those situations too. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: could we go back a little bit though? I wanna start at the very beginning. What was that moment that you felt like, Wow, this is just too much? And I have to make Marc Hildebrand: Yeah. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: a change today. Marc Hildebrand: Yeah. so going back to that family moment. So it it seems to really revolve around family for me. So I know you shared a little bit of my intro. Los Angeles Police Department, 20 years. at at one point I was a hundred pounds overweight. I was really giving it all to my career. I was the kind of person where if I wanted to achieve something, what that meant to me is I had to work harder. I had to put more time and more energy. And so I was putting all my time and energy into work. and I remember that my son Andrew. my firstborn, when he was born, that's when I had that pivotal moment. so he was actually born at one pound nine ounces. He was at 28 weeks. he had to spend 73 days in the NICU. He couldn't breathe on his own. and I remember just like first off holding him in the palm of my hand and seeing how small he was. And and the the the whole anticipation of having a child and then them saying, Hey, you're gonna have to go home. He's gonna have to stay here and you could come visit him. I don't think like anybody's really ready physically, mentally, or emotionally for that. But I most definitely wasn't. I was giving it all to my career. I was 100 pounds overweight. I was not exercising. I was not eating healthy. I had all of these excuses, right? And when you get to argue for your excuses and your limitations, you get to keep them. And I kept them. But see, what I didn't realize is they were impacting me. But when they I saw that they actually were starting to impact my son, that's when I quote unquote hit rock bottom is is I realized he didn't choose who his father was, but I made the choices on what I ate, whether I worked out, whether I convinced myself I didn't have the time, whether you'll probably hear this in my story, I convinced myself that I was big boned. That's just what my family is. Everybody's heavy and overweight. This is what God gave me. That when I like, I was making those decisions, that I actually was not able to show up as my best self when he needed me the most. And that's like really what I consider like my rock bottom. The thing that actually taught me a lot, but at the time it was the most painful experience ever. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: that definitely can drive you there. And now I'm even more saddened because I can no longer use that excuse that I'm big bone. Marc Hildebrand: It's it's a very easy protection mechanism that our brains use. And by the way, everybody, you'll you'll kind of like hear this through my story, everybody has their version of the big bone story. It's like the labels that we use on ourselves, the identities that we we basically say we're in a box, we're trapped, and we can't do anything outside of it. And it's it's by the way, it's a beautiful thing our brain does. Our brain loves us, it wants to keep us safe, it wants to protect us. And any way that it can trap us into just living our past life over and over and over again, it's like Well, you survived this long, so you should be good just staying comfortable here. It's just its way of like being able to try and love us, trying to get us to stay around here longer. But it was also the box that I needed to break out of. And everybody has their version of this. And being able to see it and spot it, and being able to coach and lead yourself through it, that's really what we teach. But you have to be willing to have that conversation and not bring shame or guilt or blame into it, into it, just going, this is the way the brain works, this is how the brain operates. This is why we need coaches like you and me to be able to spot it in us because we can't maybe see that we're actually selling ourselves on this, right? But it's it's really understanding that once we become aware of it and we can actually coach and lead ourselves through it, this is actually going to become our superpower and not our kryptonite. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: Absolutely. Because you need that outside perspective sometimes. You need that third party to look in versus always looking out. And Marc Hildebrand: Yes. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: you know, but one of the things is so now you recognized it. And fortunate for you, you recognized it in yourself and you did something about it. What happened next? When was that moment that you had s you said I have to bottle it and share it with the world? Marc Hildebrand: Okay, so really great question. So I I I I want to take a step back because one of the things you said is like that I saw it in myself. So the only thing that I saw in myself is I felt the pain of not being able to show up for my son the way that I wanted to. But I still couldn't see all of these stories and perspectives that my brain was operating with. Going back to what you said, I needed somebody in my life that I was going to allow to spot those things. And I wasn't going to allow my ego to kind of like say, no, no, no, that's that's not true. And so for me, it was connecting with a coach. And it was connecting with a coach that, like, not only did he care about me, but also like he was unwilling to allow him like himself to like to to see my excuses and not call them out. Like he believed in me more than he believed in my excuses and my limitations that I was telling him. And I needed him. And he was like, Hey, I love you and I appreciate you, but do you notice this? I like to think of us as like mirrors, Joe. Where like somebody's sharing things with us, and our job is sometimes just to reflect back and go, do you see this? I just want you to see this. And I want you to know that I don't see this. I know there's somebody else inside of there. I know there's like, there's a there's a person in there, there's another level, and I just believe in that person so much that I just can't sit back here and just listen to what you're saying. I need to point it out to you. So for me, it was having that person point it out to me and me being willing to accept it because sometimes people will point out things, but we'll push back against them. We call this being uncoachable. And there's some times in my life that I've been uncoachable. But when you're willing to allow somebody to do that for you, that's when the game changed. So going to your original question is like when I saw that and I saw that he believed in me. I saw that he was willing to spot some of these things. I was like, what did he do? And how can I do this for anybody else that I come across? And that's when this whole idea of coaching got started for me. Now I didn't, I thought I was gonna go down the path of coaching. Maybe we'll talk about this. Actually went down the path of mentoring, but I really didn't understand fully like how he was able to pull that out of me. And so I thought what I was doing was helping other people, but I actually kind of like wasn't necessarily helping them. I was just giving them my path. So I'm not sure if you want to go down there, but that's kind of like the the what progressed me into. I want to help people, but then I didn't know what I was doing and I was trying to help, but it wasn't really helping. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: Well, can you get us on the same page? What would be the difference between a mentor and a coach? Marc Hildebrand: Yes. So, so both are amazing and both are equally important, but there's time and spaces for both. So a mentor, what a mentor does is they kind of like share the path that they've traveled and they give you like directions in terms of like, hey, this is like, for example, like when I lost 100 pounds, everybody wanted a mentor. They're like, What did you do? Nobody asks you, who did you have to become? Or what did you have to do with your identity? Like nobody ever chat asks that. They're What did you have to do? A mentor is like, Here's the steps, here's the program, here's the nutrition plan. Like, if you want to be able to get yourself to wake up, put the alarm across the room so that way you have to get up out of bed. These are all mentoring things. This is like, let me give you my roadmap, the things that I do, did the blueprint. Coaching is more of the identity piece, finding out what's actually going into their brain, what is preventing them from doing these things. We all could do a Google search, we can all pull up ChatGPT, we can figure out how to grow our business, how to actually reach more people, all this kind of stuff, but we don't do it. We're like, we have it at our fingertips. A lot of this, the mentoring is more like, here's the steps to do it. But the when it when we talk about the mindset or the coaching or getting in there and finding what the stories and beliefs are that we have to really unwind those, that's coaching, is asking questions, asking questions to see like some of the things that are causing us to be stuck, but also asking questions on the opposite side. You you mentioned this earlier. Like sometimes it's hard to see our own stuff, right? Because it's unconscious. It happens automatically. Most people don't even know that this is happening. They're like, I don't know that I have like these stories in my head or perspectives. It's just this is what I believe. But when you start to see them and you they we move them from the unconscious to the conscious, now we can start having control over them. And that's what a coach does. Gets to show you the mirror and go, do you want to keep going down this path? You can. I'm gonna be here no matter what. But there's another path over here. And when we start going down that path and they love it, they typically want to keep going down that. At least that's what I found for me. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: I like that. Now, can you share with me when you first started to go into the direction of coaching? How did that happen? How did that work out for you? Marc Hildebrand: Yeah, so so at the time I was mentoring, I was telling people which workout I was doing, all that kind of stuff. They were coming to me, this is amazing. about five to 10% of them would actually do it. 90% of them wouldn't. And because of the way that my brain was wired, first I blamed them. They need more discipline, they're they're not following through with what they said. But then second, I started to blame myself. I'm like, I must not be a good leader, I must not be motivating them enough. And what I realized it was action option three. And that was I didn't even know how to coach. I didn't really know how to get to the root of what was actually holding them back. Nobody had ever stopped and slowed me down and go, you know what? Like the stories that they tell themselves is what's preventing them from not doing it. What if you just got really good at that? It was actually at that point that I ended up getting certified. there was like two or three different times where I saw this coaching certification. And I was like, I got this already. I'm already doing it. I'm already helping people. Some people are getting results, but the other ones who aren't, like, it's just, it's just not a good fit for them. But I I started to listen to that podcast. And then I actually became a student. And when I got inside, I'm like, this was the missing piece. Nobody ever taught me how the brain works. Nobody ever taught me how to really pull intrinsic motivation, not just to me and motivate people and be their cheerleader, but ask them questions that really pull out, like I call it their heart voice, like the voice that God put in their their in their body of like, this is what I was meant to do. This is the impact that I'm gonna make, and this is why I'm doing this, right? And so when I started to understand how this worked, I started to incorporate that into my coaching. And many more people started losing weight, feeling amazing. And I'm like, this is amazing. But see, here's the thing for me like, when I start to do something really, really well, I start to ask myself, if I'm doing exceptional with health and fitness, how can I get better as a father or husband? How could I get better in my career? How could I get better in helping other people? And so I started to systematically go through my life and say, okay, I've used coaching and mentoring. To lose 100 pounds, what can I do to become a better husband? And it started to work. What can I do to become a better father? And it really worked because I was like the, the, the type I would, I would look like everything was, was, I was everything was taken care of at work. I was showing up in crazy situations, cool, calm, and collected. And then I'd get home and my kids would tell me what to do and I'd lose my stuff. And I'm like, why is the world is this? Because of what was going on in here, my pre-programming. But when I learned how to coach, I actually got better at that. Then I rose up the ranks of LAPD. And then I wanted to start a business. So that's kind of like what I did is I'm like, this is literally the universal language. And I couldn't just keep it to health and fitness. I was like, I love health and fitness, but I want to help many more people with this. And so I'd have people with relationships and business and and career. And then people started to come to me and go, You're doing this in all of these other areas. You're coaching in all of these different areas. How do you do that? And I'm like, okay, now it's the next level. Now it's teaching people how to do this for others. And what I what I find, Joe, is like when I think about the ripple effect that I can have. Like, let's say I'm I'm coaching one person. It's amazing the ripple effect I can have on them, their family, the energy, right? But what happens when I teach somebody this? And then they go out and they coach other people and they use the coaching, it's like this exponential thing. It's just the difference between like learning like how to fish versus like just being given a fish. When you learn how to fish, you never have to worry about it ever again. You just automatically know. And so that's what got me most excited about doing this. So So being able to teach this is really where I like. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: I really like what you said because it really I totally agree, which is either positive or negative. It permeates every aspect of your life. Marc Hildebrand: Yes. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: All throughout. So once you start to select the positiveness and you you choose yes and choose more and choose more opportunities, all of a sudden you start to see every other aspect of your life improve as well. Marc Hildebrand: One hundred percent. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: in in that yeah, and you took that right to your to your family, you took that back to work and then you created a business. Fantastic. but before we move on to the rest of the evolution of your business, which I I'm dying to talk about the course, can you share possibly a client success story of someone that you worked with when you were coaching? Marc Hildebrand: Yes, absolutely. So I I'm actually gonna give you a a conversation that I had, maybe even last week. we have somebody who is growing their coaching business, and and I still do one-on-one coaching from time to time. and I was coaching her. And she came, she had been doing really successful in her business, but she kind of like had hitten a plateau. And I'm having a conversation with her, and she actually had hired a different coach. that coach was more of like a mentor, though. And through this conversation, What kind of hear is the mentor kind of steered her down a path, thinking that this is the path you have to go because this is just the path that coaches normally have to go. And so through when I'm having this conversation, I can I can feel it. I can feel it in her like body language. I can feel like her lack of energy towards doing this. She's like, Yeah, I'm doing this stuff on social media. It's not really exciting. I'm doing workshops and all this kind of thing. And I can feel the energy. The truth is, is like when we grow a business, and you know this better than anybody, Joe, there isn't one right, best only way to grow a business. There isn't. But I guarantee you, if your energy isn't in and your passion isn't in it, and it's not utilizing your superpowers, that you're working against you. It doesn't matter what you try. You could try the quote-unquote right thing, just not gonna be there. And I remember just having this conversation, I asked her, you know what? You were saying that you used to do this other stuff. Tell me about that. What excited you about that? Why were you all in with that? And she completely came to life. She was like, you know what? I was doing this and I was doing this and I was doing live events and I was really connected to the women and all this kind of stuff. And so through this conversation, I'm like, can you see how when you are in front of those women, you're having those one-on-one, like intimate conversations, you're doing those like live in-person events, you come to life. That is the best version of you. And when you remove that part, which is your superpower, but also what gives you that energy. You kind of feel like you're just running a business versus making an impact in somebody's life. And she was like, I didn't even realize that. I didn't realize that that was the direction that I was going. And so I'm like, well, what based off of this, what do you think you're gonna do with it? Because as a coach, I'm not, I'm not somebody who's I tell somebody what to do. I want them to actually verbalize it out loud. She's like, first off, I want to get off this call right now because I want to send an email to my people. We need to do a live event, and I'm so excited about this. And it's crazy. Crazy the momentum that's happened just in a couple weeks since I've had this conversation with her. And it's not because there's a right or wrong way to work your business, but when you think about like the energy that you have, the stories that you tell yourself, especially when we think about our superpowers. Joe, when I think about the superpowers of a coach, nine times out of 10, it isn't because they're great at making a social media post. They're great at talking to humans. I recognize that from the moment that you and I had a first conversation. I'm like, Joe is incredible at communicating and talking to humans. So I'm like, as a business owner, you want to do what you're great at as many times as possible. But see, we get all wrapped up in like what everybody else is doing and all the shining objects and whatnot. And it takes us off track from that. So that is just a perfect example. And and you can feel it. You can feel it when you're having a conversation with somebody and they're doing something that's incongruent with them, their, their like their superpowers, what they do best in the world. You just have to be willing to show them the mirror. Like, did you see how your energy changed when you started talking about this? Like you just you came in and I swear, like the when the person was talking to me, that it was like they were about to stop working their business. That is so painful for me. I'm like, you like you almost quit this thing that excites you, that you make a huge impact in the world because you had sold your brain on like this is the way that it has to be, and I don't like it. And like being able to see that and turn that around, that's the game changer. By the way, that I'm not gonna say that's me. That's just me asking questions and bringing it out from her. One thing I always remind my clients is like everything that we discussed today was available to you even before we jumped on the call. You just weren't looking at it. You weren't reflecting on it. So it's like it's really powerful when you can see that you, like we say, you have all the answers living on the inside. You just need somebody to ask you a question to pull it out. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: That's true. Now you've moved on to the next level and now you're training other people to be able to exponentially grow this and be able to help more people. Now, Marc Hildebrand: Yes. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: if if someone comes to you today and says, I've always dreamt about being a coach, what is the number one quality that you think that that individual must have? Do they have to have a specific industry, specific, experience? Do you think that they had to have helped other people in the past? W what are you looking for? Marc Hildebrand: So, first off, all of those things help, but the only thing you really need is a real, true desire to help other people. Like you have to have a true desire to want to help other people. Here's the thing: if you want a coach, it's difficult. You have to challenge your own beliefs. You have to be willing to challenge other people's beliefs, but it is the most, for me, it's the most rewarding thing that I do. I use it at home with my kids, with my wife, who's also a master coach. Like I use it with everybody because I know that when I can spot that, it will truly improve their life. It'll be energy that they can take with them everywhere. But you have to actually have a desire for helping others. If you're looking to just get rich, you're looking to just make money, coaching is not the space for you. You actually want to do what's best for somebody else. Because here's the thing: when you're jumping on with another human who's going through a challenge, they're gonna present things that maybe we call this maybe jumping in the pool. You might think like, my gosh, that's a difficult situation. That's it. But when you realize that you might be the person that believes in them more than they believe in themselves right then, you have to really desire to make an impact in their life. So that is the only prerequisite you have to actually want to help people and make an impact in their life. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: can you tell us a little bit more about the training? How long is it? How is it delivered? Marc Hildebrand: Yeah. So it's seven months worth of training. funny because everybody's like, well, why isn't it six months? Why is it nine months? Seven months is what we found to be the sweet spot. and in the training itself, a lot of different certifications and and programs and stuff out there, they have modules to watch and you're kind of like more of like an inactive participant. We actually bring coaching and practice and feedback to every single call. So over that seven months of period, you start to learn how the brain works. We teach you what's called the growth model, but then you also practice it. You get repetitions, feedback. You get to be coached yourself, but then you get to coach other people. It's one of those things where you get to the end of the training and you're like, there is no way that I can't coach somebody because I've had to do it in this in this process. I had to actually practice it, not sit in the back of the room, but actively practice it. And what's amazing is how much you will grow through this process. One of the things that's really near and dear to me is I don't want to train coaches who don't know what it's like to actually have coaching impact your life. So a big part of the training, especially the first month, month and a half, is really showing you how this impacts your own life. It's one of those things when you're like your best client, right? When you are proof the product works, when you're like, this has changed my life, it's very hard to not share that with other people. If you're just doing something in your like as a job, it's different. But if you're like, I love you so much, I need to tell you about this because this thing has changed my life so much, and I think it can help you too. There's just a different feeling. But then when you go through the practice and the repetitions and get the feedback and have master coaches on there to help you through it, you get to the end and you feel fully confident. And and like my main goal at the end is to have you feel so confident that you know you can help anybody through anything that they bring you by asking really powerful questions. Help the person become aware of like what they have control over and what they don't, and then get them to perform on an even higher level. And we get people to get go to the end and they, yes, they love the fact they can coach others. But I think what they love the most is how they've transformed themselves. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: once they get to the end, do are they still connected with your organization somehow? Are they able to work as a team? How does that work? Marc Hildebrand: Yeah, that's a great question. So we have a we have a program afterwards. It's called the Master Coach Collective. So a certain number of people want to continue to develop their skill as coaches and rise to the master coach level. And so we have a we have a a program that we put together to really help coaches stay in this environment. we call it what's called the three levels of reach. I'm not sure if you've ever heard that before, but when when I think about like being in an environment where you want to continue to grow, we have to focus on what's called the three levels of reach. Is it okay if I break that down real quick? Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: Please. Marc Hildebrand: Okay, this is something we incorporate into the certification. It's something that we have inside of our Master Coach Collective. And anybody who runs a coaching organization, I would highly encourage you to make sure that your clients have this too. So there's three levels that we have to constantly be reaching if we want to grow. First off, we have to reach down. What I mean by reaching down is not to another level of human. We're all we all have the same amount of worth, but to somebody a few steps behind you. This could be simply like you helping somebody share something that maybe you learned. Or if you're a coach and you're helping coach and lead and facilitate and maybe have some practice calls, you're helping other people out. This is important because when we're reaching down, we realize that we're a few steps ahead and you realize just how far along the journey that you've come. So being able to reach down and lift people up to you is very, very important. Now, what I find is a lot of people just stay there. They just keep reaching down. And you've heard the average that you're five people you spend the most time with. What happens if you all you're doing is reaching down? They start to pull you down and you're Pulling them up and you meet somewhere in the middle. This is why there's two other levels of reach. The second level is reaching out. These are peers, people who are at about your level. Maybe they have different strengths in you, but this is where we actually get to share things that kind of like we're going through. This is a challenge. It's kind of like sometimes people commiserate with each other and they're like, like I know I'm going to get through this, but this sucks. You don't want to be sharing that people with the people that you're lifting up, right? So you want to make sure that you're reaching out. It's also a high level of accountability. There's that part of it too. But you want to make sure that you're reaching out to people who are at around your level. And the third level is reaching up, somebody a few levels ahead of you. Somebody like you, Joe, where you know some of the pitfalls that somebody could fall into if they don't actually have somebody a few steps ahead of them. But then also somebody to challenge them, to be able to be their mirror and say, hey, do you notice this? When you have these three levels of reach, it causes you to constantly grow. You're reaching up. So it doesn't feel like you've reached the top or pinnacle of the room, right? Always feel like that is like if it feels like it's the right room, it's probably not the right room. The right room also feels like it's the wrong one. It's like, I feel like I'm an imposter. I'm like, you're in the right room. Keep going, keep going, right? So you be able to reach out, reach out and then reach down. And when you have these three levels, you constantly grow. So we do that in the certification. So you're doing practice calls, you're reaching out to other people in the certification. Then you have me, Teresa, and the other master coaches in the program for you to reach up to. And once you get into that environment, you will not want to leave. So of course we had to create something called the Master Coach Collective, which is like a mastermind of master coach level coaches. We want to make sure they continue to function in this three levels of reach. So that's what we have in terms of the program, in terms of if you decide to, it's not a mandatory thing, but a lot of people do want to continue that. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: are you required to join another organization? 'Cause I I I've heard of other coaches being members of these other organizations in order to be classified as a coach, and you really don't need that. But are Marc Hildebrand: Correct. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: you required under your under your framework to to do that? Marc Hildebrand: No, you are not. So after after seven months, there is a written test, there is what's called a practicum, and you have to have six practice recording calls that we review just to make sure that you have a full understanding of everything that you're doing. After you do that, you graduate, you get a certificate. That is all that you have to do with us. If you decide to go into the master coach collective, you decide to start your own practice. By the way, we have people who are not necessarily want to be coaches, they actually just want to be leaders. They don't even want a certification. There is also another track that you would still participate in the actual certification, but you wouldn't be get a certificate. But at the end, you still know that I'm I am able to use this on anybody that I can help. We have people like who are in the corporate space, who are leading other humans, who want to get better at being able to lead them and understand some of the things that are going on behind the scenes so that they can perform better. So we have a mixture of people who want to become coaches, but also like parents, people who want to like use this in their career, multiple different places. But no, there is no extra place that you have to go after this to to say that you're a coach. You actually get certified through it. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: now you've had the opportunity in hindsight, you can, you know, all of these people that you've coached and people that you have trained as well. What have you seen as the commonality of people who are coaches that the biggest challenge that they come across when they're making that transition from being that friend who helps people to becoming a coach that puts up that mirror? Marc Hildebrand: So, so I love your questions, Joe. I love your questions. So, so the thing that I want to bring up here has to do what we call like holding space and clean thinking. And so if you're having a conversation with a friend, right? And like, let's say some situation is going on at home or at work, right? And they're like, My boss sucks. As a friend, you might just want to commiserate with him. Go, yeah, that sucks. Dude, if I had a boss like that, man, like that in and of itself, it can be helpful, right? We call this like empathizing with the other person. Right. And in those scenarios, maybe the person does does need a friend. But if I'm your coach, I'm stepping in there a little different. And the reason why is because I this is the way that I picture it. When my clients are going through a situation, like let's say they have a terrible boss or they have something that's happening at home, what they're doing is when they keep commiserating against it, I I feel like they're punching themselves in the face. They're trying to change something they have no, they can't change their boss. They can't change the things that their kids are saying. And so they're literally giving power to things outside of themselves and they don't even realize that they can actually they there are some things in here that they actually can control. They can control how they react, they can control whether they get a new job, they can't control whether they lead their boss or not. Like there's so many different things that are on the table. When I'm somebody's coach, I'm willing to challenge that. Now, if if you and I are friends, Joe, and you're like, Mark, let's just talk about it. I'm just, I'm gonna just jump in as a friend. I'm be like, yeah, that kind of sucks, right? But if you're like, Mark, I want to overcome this. This is a challenge and I keep dealing with it. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to quote unquote jump in the pool with you, right? I'm going to be the person outside of the pool going, Hey, you want, you want my arm? I'm going to lift you up and we're going to figure out a way of like actually tackling this by focusing on the things that you can control. Because you can control parts of this situation. And you're giving it all the power to your boss or to the algorithm or the politics and all that kind of stuff. Like stuff outside of you is going to happen. It's not going to be nice. It's not going to be amazing. You're not going to be like, this is the best situation ever. But the way that you think about it will either make something bad worse, or you're going to be able to what we do call find a generative way of finding a new solution, getting more creative, and finding a way of you still showing up as your best self. Because really, the ultimately the only thing you could do is control the things you can control. Show up as your best self. And more often than not, that does influence the other person, but we can't change them. And any extra energy or focus that we're putting in there just is using our Beautiful energy and power towards something we can't control. So let's focus on what we can control. That's what I do as your coach versus if you're a friend. But even though I have my coaching hat on, there's times when I put my friend hat on. There's times when I have a conversation with Teresa, my wife, and I'm like, it's not time to coach her. She didn't sign up for a coach. She signed up for a husband to love her, not to coach her through this. And so I say, Do you want me to coach or do you want me to just be your husband today? And she's like, be my husband, please. I'm like, I'm all in. Let's go. Let's go. That sucked. Why did that person cut you off? Right. And it's because, like, at that moment, that's the best thing for me to lean into. So even if you become a coach, you just got to know which hat am I going to wear. And a lot of times we just ask people. Like in a you bring in a coaching session, you come to a coaching session, I automatically know you want to coach. But if we're a friend, I'm going to be like, Do you want coach mark or do you want friend Mark? And they're like, well, depending on the situation, right? And that's how you can show up for them. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: Well, and I'm sure that line is really blurry with your wife becoming Marc Hildebrand: It is. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: a husband and a c coach. And I'm sh Marc Hildebrand: Because she's a coach too. She understands what's going on. And and the beautiful thing is like, I I can say that. I'm like, would you like me to coach you or ask you a question? And Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: Yeah. Marc Hildebrand: believe it or not, sometimes she's like, I do need it. Because here's the thing like, one thing that that like that you will notice is when you if you first become a coach and you start using coaching tools on people, they're like, Stop using that on me. Why are you using that on me? But the beautiful thing is like when you use them, and even when they know you're using them, they still it still helps them. That's a game changer. They're like, you're using it on me. I know you're using it on me. And you're using it on me with good intentions because you want to help me and it's helping me. Please keep doing it. And there's that shift. It doesn't happen overnight. It doesn't happen the first time that you jump in and you start asking questions. I highly encourage people who are going to be coaching or doing that, like to explain that to people. Like, hey, I'm learning this new thing. I'm learning coaching because I really do see that some of the things in here for me are actually keeping me stuck. And I want to help so many other people with it. So I may ask you some weird questions. And if you don't want me to, just say, please stop. And I will 100% do that. But like I'm just seeing how powerful this is. I'm not trying to manipulate you. I'm not trying to get something. I just want to help. But if you think it's just weird or awkward, just let me know. Right. Like leading with that, like it just kind of like it's calling out the elephant in the room, kind of like drops that stuff. And maybe they're gonna be like, don't use that on me. And that's okay. But sometimes my wife's like, I actually struggling right now. What would you, what would you do? What would you ask me if if you were coaching me? And I just ask a question and sometimes it changes everything and sometimes she's like, okay, I don't want answer that. But it's it's just another tool, another skill that I can utilize to help out. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: It sounds like you have a great relationship. So that's fantastic. Marc Hildebrand: I do. I do. She's put up with me for so long. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: She's put in more than 20 years at this point, right? Marc Hildebrand: Yes, she has. Yes, she has. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: All right. So if you don't mind, I want to go back to the hundred pounds because if I don't ask a couple more questions on that, I'm sure you know everyone's gonna message me on the episode and say, why not? Why don't you talk to him about this? so once you started to work more with the coach and you started to have that mirror, you started to see yourself. What was like, I guess the the number one things that you wanted to attack first, you wanted to address as quickly as you could to to make that Marc Hildebrand: Mm. Okay. So Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: change. Because I again we we wanna we're always focused on the outside and the way we look, not thinking about the inside, but please let us know. Marc Hildebrand: Yeah. Yeah. So initially it was the workout, it was the nutrition plan, and it was a nutrition shake. That's what my my what was like really like blaring for me. And none of those things would have worked if it I actually didn't do what I'm gonna share with you right now. what I realized is from talking to the coach that when the alarm would go off at five in the morning, I was really good at convincing myself not to get up and do any of those things. All those beautiful things that I bought, all of those extra pieces of equipment in the garage, all of those things. We're collecting dust. What I realized is I was telling myself that those perspectives are stories in the morning morning that prevented me from working out. Here's a couple of the big ones. Number one is I deserve a break. I worked so much last night. I spent so much time at the hospital. I deserve a break. And so I'd give myself a break. And then I'd wake up and beat myself up later that I didn't do it. Right. Next one was like, I'm so tired. I just don't have enough time to be able to do this. Right. And so All of these stories, just like the big bone one, like why would I want to wake up now? This has never worked for me in the past. It's not going to work for me in the future. All of these stories, what tr what transformed for me was starting to think about why I did want to wake up. What kind of impact was that going to have? And what I what I what I came on, because leadership is really important to me, what I came upon is is the impact that I make, not only my family's life. But in everybody else's life, when I'm presented with hard things and I show up anyway. Because when I think about leaders, I think about leaders are defined not through the easy times. When everything's given to you, everything's perfect, and everything's easy. Leaders are literally defined when everything in their body is telling them to do one thing, but they choose on purpose to do the other. For me, it was because my son needed me to show up. And I was not. Ever going to allow myself to let him down again? There was nothing. No amount of tiredness, no amount of being big boned, none of that stuff was gonna prevent me from letting my kid down. And so when the alarm went off, in the beginning, my brain was like, you deserve a break. And then I was like, wait, hold on a second. I know exactly what happens if I listen to that. But there's something else here. This is one of those hard moments. This is one of those leadership moments. That I get to actually use right now to not only show my son that I can do hard things, but to show him how much I care for him and that I'm willing to show up, not just when things are easy, but when things are hard too. And this is gonna be something that is gonna impact him today, but it's gonna be well into the future. Because in reality, these things I'm gonna start doing in multiple other areas and I'm gonna be modeling the behavior for him that I wanna see when he gets older. I don't wanna see him back down from challenges. I wanna see him lean in and show the true leader that he is. And so in the morning time I would remind myself, and sometimes it was hard, Joe. Sometimes it was like, that pillow, that looks so good right now. But then I would say, you know what? But this is what I'm made for. I'm made to do hard things. This is going to help me. And I may be tired right now, but I guarantee you, if I keep sleeping, I'll be even more tired afterwards. I know that I always feel more energy afterwards because I've c kept the promise that I made to myself. And I kept the promise I made to my son. And I remember the first couple of days was a little hard. But do you know what happens after that? You start to build the opposite. You start to build up all the evidence that you can do this. You start to build up all the evidence that you are built for doing hard things. And those were all the things I didn't know was gonna happen. I thought I was trying to lose weight. But that that set off a chain reaction to be able to get to do the things that I do now. And I didn't realize that in the moment. So there's so many things, so many different opportunities, so many things you'll be presented with when you put yourself in a situation to do something hard and you do it anyway. You won't even be able to think of it right now. But in the future, I guarantee you, you're gonna be like, I can't believe that's where it got it all got started. And that's the opportunity that we have every day that the alarm goes off. And so I reminded myself of this, Joe. By the way, these are all perspectives, these are all stories, right? They're made up. But I got to tell you, they didn't feel made up. They felt like I'm here for a purpose and this is what I'm gonna do. And then by me getting up and me exercising and losing the weight, that's what truly helped. Yes, the workout, the nutrition, all that great stuff, awesome, but it would not have worked if I hadn't been able been able to tell myself these stories to get myself to do it. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: That's great. Thank you for sharing that. I mean, losing the weight was truly the confirmation that what you were doing was the right direction. You were doing the right thing. But I just love it what what you're saying about, you know, you being a role model for your son and going to the gym. And it's like I have to do that. And very often I have the same perspective all the time. Sometimes I'm a little tired, but then I remembered I have to go to the gym. Sometimes not for myself, but it is a role model that I'm pushing that this is what dad does. Dad just goes to the gym. This is what we have to do. So Mark, what is the single most important takeaway that you want listeners to remember from this conversation? Marc Hildebrand: Mm. That the stories that you tell yourself are the most important things of all. we talked about like self-leadership here. and a lot of times people want to think about like how can I lead other people more effectively? How can I lead people at work? How can I lead people? And the best way to do that is to start getting excellent and mastering the ability of leading yourself. And that's the stories that you tell yourself. Right. So be very keen on those stories. Don't believe all the BS that your brain is telling you because it is not the truth. It's just a story. And there's a different story in there. You have to be willing to find it. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: Love it. Now, where can people who want coaching or want to become a coach connect with you online? Marc Hildebrand: So if you go to modern leadership coaching, we actually have a podcast, but if you go to modernleadership.us forward slash lead L-E-A-D, we have a very short five part podcast series where we talk about like how to take the first steps towards leading yourself when it comes to health, wealth, relationships, career, all those kind of things when things get really, really tough. So we have that five part series to help people get started. And of course, if you have signed up for that. You'll be attached to me via email. You have any questions? You wanna get some coaching, you wanna jump on a call, I offer free calls for people. I'm just reach out to and I'll have we'll have a conversation. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: Mark, thank you so much for joining us. And we really appreciate your time and the value you shared today. Marc Hildebrand: Thank you, Joe. And and I just want to say this. I know putting together a podcast takes a lot of energy, a lot of work. You are exceptional at it, but I also want to thank you for doing this, for putting together these shows, for putting, finding guests, right? Sorting through all that and really only putting like whatever the best version of you is into these. And I know it takes a lot of time and energy. And I just want to say thank you for doing that. Joe Abreu - GLOVISOR.com: So thank you. Thanks everyone for listening. If this episode inspired you, share it with someone who needs it. And don't forget to follow the Glovisor Podcast for more conversations that make an impact. Till the next time.