Latest / No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women / When We Stop Shrinking: Staying Strong through Vulnerability

Transcript

When We Stop Shrinking: Staying Strong through Vulnerability · No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women

• 0:00
  Mary: Hi, and welcome to a mini episode of No Shrinking Violets.
• 0:04
  Mary: So something happened this week, and it had me distracted for a number of days, and I really had to sort of process it.
• 0:16
  Mary: So I found out that someone gave my book a rating of one on Amazon.
• 0:23
  Mary: Anonymously, no review, so no reason why, just a one.
• 0:30
  Mary: And actually, the idea of that is fine because not everything is for everyone.
• 0:38
  Mary: You know, I talk about in my book, there are certain plants that can nourish specific pollinator caterpillars, and that doesn't work for all of them.
• 0:49
  Mary: So it's that same idea that not everyone will like the same thing.
• 0:54
  Mary: That is fine.
• 0:55
  Mary: But what is interesting about it is that it really was a non-review.
• 1:02
  Mary: So I think there's a difference between criticism, and I say that you know, a constructive criticism.
• 1:10
  Mary: And as a writer, really, that is an uncomfortable part of being a writer is getting feedback.
• 1:17
  Mary: I mean, when my book was edited, the editor cut 10% of my book.
• 1:22
  Mary: And part of what was cut was very personal.
• 1:25
  Mary: And so I struggled with that.
• 1:27
  Mary: And, you know, what ended up happening was I know it's a better book because someone without the emotional connection is doing the editing.
• 1:35
  Mary: And I think that's what's so important.
• 1:36
  Mary: Everyone has an editor.
• 1:38
  Mary: And I reminded myself, Stephen King has an editor.
• 1:41
  Mary: It doesn't make it any easier.
• 1:43
  Mary: But that is a constructive part of creating a good book.
• 1:50
  Mary: And so when you get feedback that really isn't feedback, it's anonymous, faceless criticism.
• 2:02
  Mary: It's really just noise.
• 2:05
  Mary: And it did feel like noise to me.
• 2:08
  Mary: It was very distracting to know that's sitting out there.
• 2:13
  Mary: And so will someone take that seriously?
• 2:16
  Mary: I don't know.
• 2:18
  Mary: I would think someone that's discerning would recognize that if there's a one-star rating and there's no one attached to it and there's no actual review, that they would see through that.
• 2:31
  Mary: But it doesn't, it didn't initially make it easier for me.
• 2:36
  Mary: So I had to really work through that.
• 2:39
  Mary: You know, I remember mentioning it to my husband, and you know, I think he knew it bothered me, but I sort of just said it and moved on.
• 2:50
  Mary: And I think part of me was like, well, I don't want people to think it really bothers me.
• 2:55
  Mary: Because, you know, we can all we can say what shouldn't bother me.
• 2:59
  Mary: Here's the interesting thing.
• 3:01
  Mary: I've talked about this with guests pretty often.
• 3:05
  Mary: The idea that there can be a million positive things that happen, because I do have many positive reviews for my book.
• 3:14
  Mary: But the minute that that one-star review showed up, I forgot all the positives.
• 3:21
  Mary: And those are people that actually wrote why they liked or loved the book.
• 3:27
  Mary: But that one anonymous kind of backhand took the wind out of my sails.
• 3:33
  Mary: And it took me a few days to actually practice what I preach.
• 3:37
  Mary: To remember that, first of all, I don't need approval from everyone.
• 3:42
  Mary: Probably that way of doing that says more about the person that did it than what I wrote.
• 3:51
  Mary: But I think the other thing, and this goes right to the heart of what I write about, ironically, and what I talk about all the time, is when you take up your space, you become visible.
• 4:03
  Mary: And when you're visible, you become a target.
• 4:06
  Mary: And so it's really interesting that by staying silent, you are less vulnerable.
• 4:14
  Mary: But you can't really have authenticness until you are vulnerable, until you share something that's deep.
• 4:24
  Mary: And if you've ever written a book or you've ever shared anything personally that went out to the world, and I think we do that now through social media, but at the same time, we sort of curate our image.
• 4:37
  Mary: You know, I think it's natural to do that, whether it's through a filter or we don't let everyone see the messiness.
• 4:43
  Mary: Um, but we all have messiness.
• 4:45
  Mary: And so it's interesting that I talk all the time about taking up space, stop shrinking.
• 4:50
  Mary: I mean, what's it's the name of this podcast, No Shrinking Violets?
• 4:54
  Mary: But in doing that, then you invite the criticism and you invite the disappointment and the anger.
• 5:05
  Mary: And that's what happens when we decide we're gonna live a life that we want to live.
• 5:11
  Mary: And so many people I talked to, so many women, myself included, were are slash, continue to be at times people pleasers.
• 5:23
  Mary: And what that means is we are really good at reading the room and taking care of everyone else, and also trying to trying to control the outcome.
• 5:39
  Mary: And what I mean by that is we don't like when we disappoint someone.
• 5:43
  Mary: We don't like when someone is angry.
• 5:45
  Mary: And the only way to prevent a reaction that makes us feel um vulnerable or like we've disappointed someone is to do what everybody else wants.
• 6:01
  Mary: And that is the road to exhaustion and it's the road to illness.
• 6:05
  Mary: And you've probably heard me say, I write about it in my book, I had thyroid cancer.
• 6:10
  Mary: And I really believe often illnesses are where our energy is stuck, and where is the thyroid?
• 6:17
  Mary: It's at the base of your throat.
• 6:18
  Mary: So I didn't use my voice when I was younger.
• 6:21
  Mary: And there are times now, I'm gonna admit it, I even stay silent.
• 6:25
  Mary: But I think the irony that a book about thriving gets a one-star review and it makes me want to shrink.
• 6:36
  Mary: And so I think part of part of what I want people to hear from this is I don't think it matters who you are or how much work you've done, there are going to be times where something happens that stings.
• 6:54
  Mary: And I think if it's criticism you can grow from, if somebody says to you, or or they write a review of your book and they say this is a one-star review, and here's why, here's what I didn't like about it, here's what didn't make sense, here's what I think the author should have done differently.
• 7:10
  Mary: That's constructive criticism.
• 7:12
  Mary: If you've ever had someone slap you through a social media comment, it can be really difficult, but it's just a passing storm.
• 7:22
  Mary: It doesn't mean anything if it's just noise.
• 7:27
  Mary: Noise with no um no true wish or desire to have a dialogue about the thing.
• 7:36
  Mary: Um, I love dialogue.
• 7:38
  Mary: I want people to disagree with me.
• 7:40
  Mary: I want to be challenged in a way that I think is respectful.
• 7:44
  Mary: And I've had people challenge me.
• 7:48
  Mary: And what I like about it is, first of all, I have to really be a listener, and I have to be able to put aside the initial desire to become defensive.
• 8:03
  Mary: We don't get anywhere by being defensive, but it's natural because we feel like it's an attack.
• 8:09
  Mary: So the takeaway, I think, where I've gotten through processing all of this this week is that being vulnerable is weirdly the way you grow the strongest because you let people see who you really are, whether it's a comment you make, whether it's a boundary that you've established, whether it's a book that you've written or a podcast episode that you've talked on, whatever it is, visibility invites reaction.
• 8:42
  Mary: Some of it is anonymous and cheap, precisely because it doesn't cost the critic anything.
• 8:50
  Mary: So I think when there is something that displeases someone, figuring out what does it mean for you?
• 9:00
  Mary: What does it truly mean for you?
• 9:03
  Mary: So when you are authentic, you will probably lose some relationships because now you're being the person that you really truly are, you're being congruent.
• 9:17
  Mary: That's one of my favorite words.
• 9:18
  Mary: You're being genuine, you're being congruent instead of performing, or instead of trying to keep everyone happy.
• 9:25
  Mary: Well, some of those people don't want you to be who you really are.
• 9:29
  Mary: They don't want you to take up your space.
• 9:32
  Mary: And so while losing them can be hard and you can have that knee-jerk reaction of, like, oh, wait a minute, I have to go back to the person I was, or I have to shrink, or I have to, you know, acquiesce to keep this person happy.
• 9:45
  Mary: I don't want to lose them.
• 9:46
  Mary: Sometimes losing the inauthentic people in our lives, or the people that are just there to have their own needs served, those fall away.
• 9:59
  Mary: And you have a truer, cleaner, more exhilarating life.
• 10:06
  Mary: Because you know that the people that are there with you are there because they value you, they value what you bring to them, even if they don't always agree with you, or if they would have done some of the things differently if they had your decisions to make.
• 10:27
  Mary: Now, people can always say that, but unless you're in the situation, it's really hard to know.
• 10:31
  Mary: But when there are people that stick with you no matter what, that those are the those are your people.
• 10:40
  Mary: But you don't find those people until you really truly are who you are.
• 10:48
  Mary: And so that's sort of what I came around to that when you become yourself and you shed the people pleasing, you become visible because you're not just staying small, staying under the radar.
• 11:05
  Mary: And when that happens, you will be a target.
• 11:08
  Mary: And so when it happened to me, even though I talk about this all the time, I had that really like what is happening?
• 11:15
  Mary: Who is doing this?
• 11:16
  Mary: What and but it doesn't matter.
• 11:18
  Mary: None of that matters because I determine the meaning.
• 11:22
  Mary: You determine the meaning.
• 11:24
  Mary: When somebody smacks you down, you can decide: is this feedback or is this noise?
• 11:30
  Mary: Is this something that I can grow from?
• 11:32
  Mary: Is this a person that wants to walk alongside of me?
• 11:35
  Mary: And I think sometimes we can get really important insights and lessons from people that don't truly care about us or don't want the best for us.
• 11:46
  Mary: And sometimes that lesson is I can leave things behind.
• 11:51
  Mary: It may be a relationship that you've had for decades, but it doesn't serve you anymore.
• 11:57
  Mary: It doesn't help you put your shoulders back and stand in your space and be that genuine person that's aligned with your essential nature.
• 12:09
  Mary: So if it's not feedback and it's not coming from a place that someone wants to have that honest dialogue, then you get to decide, do I just discard this?
• 12:21
  Mary: Because you can.
• 12:23
  Mary: You can step over it and keep going.
• 12:25
  Mary: It's just sometimes stuff lands at our feet and we just shake it off.
• 12:30
  Mary: We step over it, we step around it.
• 12:32
  Mary: And actually, Brene Brown said something like that in one of her books.
• 12:36
  Mary: And so I don't want to not acknowledge that, but I don't remember the exact quote.
• 12:41
  Mary: She said, you can, you know, you just step over it, step around it, and you keep going.
• 12:46
  Mary: And so when you start to take up your space, be prepared.
• 12:50
  Mary: Because if you get blowback from some people, you're doing something right.
• 12:55
  Mary: That's my thought for the week.
• 12:57
  Mary: Thank you for listening.
• 12:59
  Mary: And until next time, stop shrinking and start thriving.