Latest / The Wicked Daughter - Caring For Your Aging Parents, One Meltdown at a Time / E019: Caring for an Aging Parent: 3 Steps, 1 Shower, and a Whole Lot of Questions

Transcript

E019: Caring for an Aging Parent: 3 Steps, 1 Shower, and a Whole Lot of Questions · The Wicked Daughter - Caring For Your Aging Parents, One Meltdown at a Time

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: It took three AIDS to get my eighty-eight-year-old mother safely through a shower.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Three.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: For one shower.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Apparently, rehab had turned bathing into a team building exercise.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I was trying to bring her home.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: I was looking for a house, researching equipment, and organizing appointments.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: I was doing everything I could to make bringing mom home work.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought that if I planned carefully enough, I could handle it.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Then I heard about that shower.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly I had a question I couldn't answer with a shopping list, a spreadsheet, or another phone call.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Could I actually take care of her?
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: For the past few weeks, we'd been making slow, steady progress.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Six weeks after surgery, mom was finally putting weight on her leg.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean finally.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: She was standing between the parallel bars in rehab, putting weight on that broken leg and taking tiny little steps.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Baby steps.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Literally.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: And it wasn't easy.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: It was hard work.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: And it hurt.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: But she was doing it.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: And after everything she'd been through, mom was standing on that leg again.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: After an accident, two surgeries, aspiration, a respirator, the ICU, and weeks of rehab, my eighty-eight-year-old mother was walking again.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Well, sort of.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: But we're counting it.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: I was thrilled.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: I was ready to throw her a parade.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Mom was getting stronger.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I was focused on getting her home.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: I just hadn't realized how many other things I was going to have to figure out before I could do that.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: But while I was celebrating those three steps, there was another problem I needed to understand.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because apparently getting your mother back on her feet isn't enough.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: You also need to become an amateur cardiologist.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Which brings me to AFib.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Atrial fibrillation.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'd never even heard of it.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: Back in the hospital, mom's heart rate suddenly shot up to 189 beats per minute.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: Her heart was basically trying to leave the building without her.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's when they diagnosed her with aphib.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's an irregular heart rhythm that can increase the risk of blood clots and stroke.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: And apparently everybody has apib.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, not literally everybody.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: But once mom was diagnosed, I started mentioning it to people.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly it seemed like seventy-five percent of her friends and neighbors had it.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Most were taking medications to manage it, which was reassuring and slightly horrifying.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Od made it this far into adulthood without knowing much about AFib.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Now it was one more thing I needed to understand and make sure someone was dealing with it.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Caregiving.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: You don't know what you don't know until suddenly you really, really need to know it.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: After mom aspirated, we weren't aware of any more AFib episodes.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: But that didn't necessarily mean that stopped.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Mom hadn't felt any different during the earlier episodes.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: So how would we know if it happened again?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Back in the hospital, she was on a heart monitor.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: They could see what her heart was doing.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: But mom had been in rehab for about three weeks, and she was not on a heart monitor anymore.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: So how exactly were we supposed to know what her heart was doing?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: We didn't.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I couldn't assume everything was fine because nobody had told me otherwise.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: That was becoming a theme in my life.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: If I didn't ask the question, I might not get the answer.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: And if I didn't follow up, I couldn't be sure anybody else was going to.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm not saying nobody was doing their job.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Rehab was helping mom recover, and they were great about scheduling some of her follow-ups.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Some.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Others, not so much.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Who knows?
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Which meant I was going through six weeks of medical history.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: It was like a medical maze, except every wrong turn came up with another doctor to follow up with.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: So while I was trying to make sure mom's medical care was on track, I was also trying to solve a completely different problem.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Where were we going to live?
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: I needed a house that would work for mom, and I still didn't have one.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: And my realtor was not exactly going to put the housing search on hold while I sorted out cardiology.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: So there I was, reviewing mom's medical history and figuring out which doctor needed to see her next when the realtor would call.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Can you be there in an hour?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Of course I could.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'd ask when it would be available.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because the answer was often different from what we'd been told when our realtor scheduled the showing.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I'd mentally run through everything else I still needed to do.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Had I called the cardiologist?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Had Rehab scheduled that other appointment?
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: What was I forgetting?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's the thing about caregiving.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: You're never doing just one thing.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: You're doing one thing while mentally keeping track of twelve others.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Even when you're sitting still, your brain is running around like an unpaid intern who's just been told the entire company is about to be audited.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't afford to let something important fall through the cracks.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: I was afraid I might not find out until it was too late.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: So I made an appointment with mom's cardiologist myself.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: He recommended an implantable loop recorder to monitor her heart rhythm.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: No, not a tape recorder.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Apparently we're not bringing back the eighties.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's a tiny device placed just under the skin of the chest that monitors the heart's rhythm and records abnormal activity.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: A small device by mom's bedside would transmit the information to the cardiologist's office every night.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Finally, a way to keep an eye on what her heart was doing.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: I was relieved.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't want to wait until Mom was discharged to start figuring this stuff out.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: We were trying to get her walking, find a house, arrange her care, and prepare for a discharge that was getting closer.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to know what was happening with her heart before we brought her home.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: One more thing checked off the list.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Well, sort of.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because the list never actually ends.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, in caregiving, the minute you get one thing under control, something else comes along.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: And this time, it was a shower.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: After two months of sponge baths, mom was absolutely thrilled to finally get a real shower.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, I couldn't blame her.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: At that point, a proper shower probably felt like a luxury resort experience.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: But there was one little problem.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: The shower chair.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: At rehab, it wasn't anything like the one she had at home.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: This one had a hole in the middle, and it was clearly too big for mom.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: And mom is tiny.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: So getting her position safely without slipping or sliding into that opening was apparently quite an operation.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: It took three AIDS.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Three to get one little woman safely situated on a shower chair.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I wasn't there to witness any of this.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: I was hearing about it afterward, which meant my imagination was free to fill in the blanks.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: And all I can think was how exactly am I supposed to manage this at home?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: I was trying to find a house that would work for mom, researching equipment, and figuring out everything would need.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: I thought I could make it work if I planned carefully enough.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: But hearing that it took three AIDS to get mom safely through a shower made me stop and think about what would happen when it was just me.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: No rehab staff, no extra hands, just me.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Could I actually take care of her?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're sitting there thinking, yep, this is my life too, that's exactly why I created this podcast.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because there are plenty of places to find information about caring for an aging parent.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes you don't need another checklist.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: You just need to know somebody else gets it.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: If the wicked daughter has become that place for you, hit follow so you don't miss the next episode.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: And if you want to help me keep making these episodes, you can support the show through Buy Me a Coffee.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: There's a link right in the podcast description.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: And if you can't or don't want to contribute financially, that's completely okay.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Sharing an episode or telling another caregiver about the show helps more than you know.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, back to the story.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: Of course I wanted mom home.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Desperately.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted her out of rehab and somewhere where she can feel comfortable and safe.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: But wanting something badly doesn't automatically mean you can make it work.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I was starting to understand that love wasn't the only thing I'd need.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'd need to help her move safely, get her in and out of the shower, manage medications, get her to appointments, and deal with whatever came up next.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'd need to think about what would happen if she fell, or needed more physical help than I could safely give her.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I needed to be honest about what I could actually manage.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: That was a lot harder than saying, I'll figure it out.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because here's the thing about being a daughter you love her.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: She's your mother.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Of course you'll do whatever it takes.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: Of course you'll figure it out.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: At least that's what you tell yourself.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: And when you start wondering whether you actually can do it all, that little voice in your head starts whispering that maybe you're not doing enough.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you should be able to handle this.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe a good daughter wouldn't be questioning whether she could take care of her own mother.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly you're feeling guilty.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Not because you don't want to do it, but because you were afraid you might not be able to do it all yourself.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's the wicked daughter part.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: Not that you don't love your mother, not that you don't want her home.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's that awful feeling that admitting you have limits somehow makes you less of a daughter.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: But what if being a good daughter doesn't mean doing absolutely everything yourself?
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: What if it means being honest about what you can handle and what you can't?
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: I still wanted mom home.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: That hadn't changed.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: I could organize medical records, schedule appointments, research equipment, and find a house with the right layup.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: But I was beginning to understand that making a plan and knowing what it would actually take to carry it out were two different things.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: I had to figure out what mom's care would require and what I could safely manage.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: So while mom was learning how to put weight on that leg, I was starting to learn something too.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Getting mom home wasn't the finish line.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: I had to figure out whether I can actually make home work.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't have that answer yet.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: I was just going to have to figure it out one step at a time.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: Just like mom.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, take care of yourself too.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um the wicked daughter, caring for my aging parent, one meltdown at a time.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_01: When your friends say cherish this time, you smile while you're losing your mind.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: Was it the pharmacy line or the rush our doctor drive?
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: So you swallow that glare with a laugh and a sigh and say, Don't fret, dear.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_01: We're having the time of our lives.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, we're having the time.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: The time of our lives.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_01: Wicked daughter.