Latest / Privycast / Ep. 117 Airing Grievances w/ Mrs. Claus (Privychat 26)

Transcript

Ep. 117 Airing Grievances w/ Mrs. Claus (Privychat 26) · Privycast

0:00
>> Speaker A: Did he quit because Santa made him scrub his
0:02
butthole? That would make me want
0:05
to be a dentist. I don't really like dentists, but,
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like, if Santa was, like, scrub
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it, that would probably be dentist.
0:18
Welcome back to privy. Privy is a
0:21
podcast about bathrooms recorded
0:24
for my home bathroom. I'm your host,
0:27
hunter Hoover, and I love bathrooms.
0:29
and we're back in studio,
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and
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the day of this episode's release, it is
0:38
Christmas day, and perhaps you have just,
0:41
freshly ripped open a brand new
0:44
something. Or know, I don't really know what the hot
0:47
toy this year is. furby, I think
0:49
back, furby's always. He never really goes.
0:52
Know, he's ever present. I feel like
0:55
Furby is that toy
0:58
that in 40 years,
1:01
I think they make the modern day furbies off the
1:04
carcasses of the furby's of the 90s, because I don't
1:07
think you can ever really destroy a furby. I think it's
1:09
indestructible. but
1:12
happy privy Christmas. and this episode
1:15
will actually be, our end of
1:18
the year. so it is the close out of 2023,
1:21
and our close out of
1:23
privy Christmas, 2023. so
1:27
thank you guys so much for being a part of the
1:30
show and listening. yeah, just
1:32
love being able to put this out there, share some
1:35
bathroom knowledge and wisdom, and hear from
1:38
folks. but something that this year, I'm hoping
1:40
that we can get to, because
1:43
in years past, we've had some trouble
1:46
finally getting to, this
1:49
list.
1:49
And
1:52
truly, last year, we began
1:54
the show, and what we want to try to do this week is we want to try
1:57
to lock down the top ten
2:00
privy Christmas treats. Now, this is
2:03
an endeavor that we enlightened upon last year.
2:06
and listeners may
2:09
remember that we were, I'm going to say rudely, but
2:12
I've already got my gifts for the year, so sorry,
2:14
Santa. but we were rudely
2:16
interrupted, by Santa Claus himself,
2:20
who was in preparation for the Christmas season,
2:22
but stopped by to interrupt our privy top
2:25
ten. And, I took the moment to just
2:28
interview the gentleman, and we learned a
2:31
lot more than I think we had ever bargained for about
2:34
our jolliest old saint house, breaking and
2:37
entering into friend,
2:40
and I was reminded of my sins
2:43
and in some ways, made to do embarrassment,
2:45
penance from Santa, for having had
2:48
told the children to put x lax in his
2:51
cookies two years prior. Now, I cannot
2:54
stress that in times present, I have
2:57
done nothing but, ensure that the
3:00
kids know not wink to put
3:02
anything in Santa's milk,
3:05
cookies or.
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so. And
3:10
also, we're keeping the
3:13
mushrooms out of it. We ventured into the
3:15
world of psychedelic reindeer mushroom
3:18
urine. Santa doesn't need
3:21
that much. He, he's good. And I think
3:24
he and I have an understanding. I think
3:27
last year's intrusion into the show was a
3:29
good, palate cleanser for the jolly
3:32
old. I'm going to say elf because I think he is called an
3:35
elf at one point. I don't know. santa's lore is a little
3:38
mixed on me. I do know that him and Mr. Hanky
3:41
are homies. so maybe they're hanging out and enjoying
3:44
a post festivity snack right now.
3:47
But speaking of post festivity snacks, it's
3:50
time we need to discuss
3:52
privy's top ten
3:55
Christmas treats. Now, we ventured into
3:58
this endeavor last year. We didn't get far, as I noted,
4:01
but some things that need
4:04
to be just are on the list and we don't need to rank
4:07
them right now, but we need to put them on the list. And the number
4:09
one on this, as I rank it. I didn't rank it, but
4:12
one of the things on the list is just the classic christmas cookie.
4:15
Now, I'm a big fan of unfrosted, not
4:18
because I don't like frosting. I
4:21
don't. I don't like cake. Frosting, is what I'm finding,
4:24
but I think it's because I'm
4:27
old. I think I'm what the teens would
4:29
call old. but, the reason
4:32
that I am a pro unfrosted Christmas cookie
4:35
is it is a blank canvas
4:38
of opportunity and pleasure. and if you're
4:41
like me, sometimes you want to get a little silly and put a little peanut
4:44
butter on your Christmas cookie and just get a little
4:47
wild and crazy. And so sometimes if you have the blank
4:50
Christmas cookie, you can do those type things. we
4:53
discussed last year the need for a savory
4:56
mix. and a good checks mix
4:59
is always a win. and you almost want
5:02
too many of those brown rye
5:04
chips. I feel like dill
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holes far and wide. When
5:10
faced with a bag of checks mix, they fish out,
5:14
the rye chips. That's a crime.
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You need to eat the mix. And we get that. The rye
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chip is the shining star of
5:23
that.
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I just had an Amazon delivery here.
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What a silly world. We have robots telling us that people are
5:34
putting things on our porch. What a fun place.
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but the third thing that you need to make
5:40
sure that is included on your
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Christmas treat list is.
5:46
And this is a personal favorite, my
5:49
wife has recently made
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divinity, and it was delicious. And divinity is kind of
5:54
a tough nut to crack because I've never made
5:57
it myself, but my aunt used to make it and my mom's made it in the
6:00
past, and my wife has made it a few times. And from my
6:03
understanding, there is a pressure system. And
6:06
anytime you have to start calculating pressure when you're
6:09
baking, that treats a little higher
6:11
difficulty, I think.
6:14
but divinity is a classic.
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it's like a marshmallow on steroids. I think there's
6:20
eggs in it. Who knows? nobody could literally ever
6:23
know that. There's no way to tell what's in
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divinity. but another
6:29
great holiday treat
6:31
is salted nut rolls. Now, my
6:34
mom had begun making scotcherous, and that's
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one, I think it's a midwestern thing,
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but, man, they just.
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Golly, you get yourself some fudge
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with nuts.
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>> Speaker B: Hello?
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>> Speaker A: hello,
7:02
Mrs. Claus?
7:04
>> Speaker B: Yes.
7:06
>> Speaker A: What are you doing in my home
7:09
bathroom?
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>> Speaker B: I came to set some things
7:13
straight.
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>> Speaker A: I was in the middle of privy's top
7:17
ten holiday treats, which, I don't know
7:20
if you know this, but your husband actually interrupted the
7:23
top ten holiday treats last year. so the
7:25
listeners still don't know half of the list.
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>> Speaker B: But that sounds like him.
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>> Speaker A: You have grievances to air.
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>> Speaker B: Yes.
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>> Speaker A: like now.
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>> Speaker B: Yes, this is the best time,
7:39
Christmas day.
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>> Speaker A: Is it because Santa's still doing deliveries?
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>> Speaker B: No, Santa has finished his deliveries, but now he's taking his
7:48
cookie and coma induced.
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>> Speaker A: Santa after. After Santa
7:55
does his what we're going to call his deed to the
7:58
children, for the children.
8:01
Does he always take a big, fat
8:03
nap? Every year.
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>> Speaker B: Very tiring to hand out gifts to all those children.
8:08
Plus, he eats an insane amount of
8:11
cookies. I can't even tell you about the gas
8:13
that comes out of that man when he's,
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>> Speaker A: Hopefully. I don't know how much Santa.
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>> Speaker B: You know what? Just a minute. I'm going to need cocoa for this.
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>> Speaker A: Okay, wait. Hey, Mrs. Claus.
8:26
yes, bring. Can I also get cocoa
8:29
since we're here?
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>> Speaker B: Yes, I will get you a cocoa.
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>> Speaker A: Okay. Wait, where are you getting cocoa? Okay,
8:35
she's gone.
8:38
well, while she's. I don't know. I was getting ready to tell
8:41
you about fudge with nuts, but now
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I'm curious about. I don't know if Mrs. Claus
8:47
is going to help herself to the cocoa
8:49
that my wife and I just have stashed
8:52
in our house or if she's going to magic
8:55
herself some cocoa? I'm unsure.
8:59
with two insanely
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large, and I'm going to say
9:04
concerningly, almost overflowing for the amount of recording
9:07
equipment on this table. Mrs. Claus? hot coco's,
9:10
where, you can.
9:12
>> Speaker B: Never have too much hot cocoa.
9:13
>> Speaker A: Mr. Hoover, did you procure this with
9:16
Mag? How did you make this?
9:18
>> Speaker B: I just rated your pantry.
9:19
>> Speaker A: Okay, well, your wife has a.
9:21
>> Speaker B: Lovely collection of cups.
9:24
>> Speaker A: Yeah, I at one point
9:27
was told that I have too many cups. I don't know if that's
9:30
a.
9:30
>> Speaker B: Well, there are some very nerdy ones in there. I'm assuming they're yours.
9:33
>> Speaker A: Well, no, actually, most of them belong to my
9:36
wife. I try to just keep it to
9:39
the regular grays and blues, but
9:42
she insists on having these novelty mugs
9:45
that I use them because I don't really know.
9:48
But the cup that I took
9:51
out.
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>> Speaker B: Of the cupboard for you is a Christmas Pokemon. And now I
9:54
know from the list that you really like Pokemon. I
9:57
do.
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>> Speaker A: Wait, you get to look at the list?
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>> Speaker B: I have access to all the things.
10:03
Like, I know what you did with your friends on that
10:06
person's car.
10:07
>> Speaker A: Well, the whole world can
10:10
know what we did.
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>> Speaker B: Yes. but I knew before because it's.
10:14
>> Speaker A: Technically public record now. how did
10:16
your wife feel about that?
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>> Speaker B: Hm.
10:20
>> Speaker A: Those marshmallows are good.
10:23
I think the way she came about it, knowing about it
10:26
was actually a better story because
10:30
I don't know if we've gotten into the nitty gritty. When I talked
10:33
to Aaron and Bret about was, you know, Aaron and Bret,
10:36
of course, they're probably both on the good list. The
10:39
nice, you know, when we did that
10:42
at the, like, it was my wife's
10:45
roommate's boyfriend's car that some
10:48
of us pooped on. And so it was really funny because
10:51
I'm pretty sure the way that my wife came into the knowledge of it
10:54
was her roommate complaining. So, it was really
10:57
fun to connect that little
11:00
situation from both ends, and meet in the middle with
11:03
the full story. from my knowledge,
11:05
I didn't get in any trouble and there was
11:08
no strange feelings. and it was totally,
11:14
I. I was party
11:18
to a group of people who pooped on a young
11:20
man's.
11:23
So you're telling me that Santa's
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never had any bathroom problems? I mean, you're married to
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the guy. What?
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>> Speaker B: I never said he didn't have bathroom, problems. Okay, I
11:33
definitely said that the gas that comes out of him, thanks to everybody's
11:36
cookies, is atrocious yeah.
11:39
>> Speaker A: Does Santa ever talk to you about two years ago.
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>> Speaker B: we don't speak of the incident.
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>> Speaker A: Do you want maybe you should speak of the incident.
11:48
I know what Santa probably told you. Why
11:51
don't you give me Santa's version, and I'll clear it up for you.
11:54
>> Speaker B: Santa told me he was maliciously,
11:58
attacked through
12:01
cookies by the children of the world. In
12:04
fact, he was very close to canceling Christmas for quite a few
12:07
children for this.
12:07
>> Speaker A: Well, that would be a rash, jump to conclusion.
12:11
Are we talking.
12:13
>> Speaker B: He struggled to finish out the whole present
12:16
delivery in one go.
12:18
>> Speaker A: Because of the laxative?
12:21
>> Speaker B: Yeah. Okay, there wasn't just one
12:23
laxative. He had
12:26
a visceral
12:28
concoction of, laxatives. Because
12:31
not every child put the same kind in their
12:34
cookies, and not every child put the same amount
12:37
in their cookies. And have you ever
12:40
seen that movie, dumb and dumber?
12:43
>> Speaker A: Oh, yeah. Oh, I've lived it in many ways.
12:45
>> Speaker B: And the scene.
12:46
>> Speaker A: I work at a public high school.
12:47
>> Speaker B: Ah. So you know exactly what I'm talking about. That scene where
12:50
he's in the bathroom and all heck broke
12:53
sleep. Yeah.
12:53
>> Speaker A: Actually, Mrs. Claus, I have a number of photos.
12:56
have you ever heard of Randy Bowles?
12:58
>> Speaker B: I prefer not to look at it. I came across
13:01
it one time and instantly regretted all of
13:04
my decisions.
13:06
>> Speaker A: But you could imagine that that's what your husband was dealing
13:08
with.
13:09
>> Speaker B: Yes.
13:10
>> Speaker A: It was awful that they told those kids to put the
13:13
x lax.
13:14
>> Speaker B: Yeah, that's terrible that somebody did that.
13:16
>> Speaker A: Yeah.
13:17
>> Speaker B: And I can't even imagine the kind of person who would
13:20
tell them to do that.
13:21
>> Speaker A: Now, does Santa blame me?
13:24
>> Speaker B: Yes.
13:24
>> Speaker A: Now, did he tell you that I told kids
13:27
to do that?
13:28
>> Speaker B: Absolutely.
13:29
>> Speaker A: Now, do you believe.
13:30
>> Speaker B: Because I've heard the.
13:34
What was it that you said about the pooping on the car? Oh, it's,
13:37
out there on the Internet
13:40
now. Everybody knows.
13:41
>> Speaker A: Yeah. But, Mrs. Claus, I got to tell you, you
13:44
are not, from what I can tell, this show's target
13:47
demographic, which is, from what I get, sir, from what I can
13:50
tell, like, 18 to 40 male,
13:53
you would be one of the very few female listeners.
13:56
Shout out to any of the female listeners out there.
13:59
thank you. And, But, so Santa
14:02
had some trouble because children
14:06
of their own accord.
14:10
>> Speaker B: Put.
14:10
>> Speaker A: Laxative in his cookies.
14:12
>> Speaker B: I think they were more, coerced.
14:13
>> Speaker A: Okay. But I did tell them not to. Like, I
14:16
did say, don't do this wink.
14:20
>> Speaker B: Yeah, but it's that wink right there at the end.
14:24
I didn't see a lot of things with children,
14:27
and teenagers and adults. Just different kinds of
14:30
demographics. Looking at the list to see if they should
14:33
be on the naughty and nice. And so I understand
14:35
a lot. I get that most of the
14:38
kids in the world would have heard wink and
14:41
gotten the big old thumbs up from.
14:45
>> Speaker A: Yeah, but it didn't affect you. I mean,
14:48
Santa had his accident, but
14:50
how could it have? he's out and about.
14:54
>> Speaker B: How did. This personally affected me for that part,
14:57
but it definitely affected some of our very
14:59
hardworking elves.
15:02
>> Speaker A: Okay.
15:05
>> Speaker B: And he really messed that sleigh up that year.
15:08
We had to refurbish the entire.
15:12
>> Speaker A: Santa's. So he diarrhea at his sleigh? Is that what I'm
15:15
hearing?
15:16
>> Speaker B: I, can neither confirm nor deny that.
15:19
>> Speaker A: Does Santa have magical diarrhea?
15:21
>> Speaker B: No.
15:23
>> Speaker A: Okay. Because the word on the street is his reindeer might
15:26
have psychedelic urine, so it
15:29
would play well if Santa also had magical.
15:33
>> Speaker B: No. No.
15:34
>> Speaker A: Okay.
15:34
>> Speaker B: he's still just a regular man who lives forever.
15:37
>> Speaker A: Just a regular old guy who lives forever,
15:43
based on last year. So last year, Santa showed up and,
15:46
again, rudely
15:49
interrupted the Christmas treat list.
15:52
>> Speaker B: I, hope you don't think I was rude when I came.
15:54
>> Speaker A: Know. I wouldn't say rude. It's just
15:57
different. you seem both upset at me and
16:00
maybe Santa somehow.
16:02
>> Speaker B: I have definitely been upset with Santa a little bit more the last
16:05
few years. I do think that plays into your
16:08
advice to the children of the world.
16:10
>> Speaker A: Well, surely there are some things that Santa has asked of
16:13
you that are not my m
16:15
doing. last year, he told me about
16:18
asking you to pick dingleberries out of his
16:21
butt.
16:22
>> Speaker B: Absolutely. He has asked me of that, and I will
16:25
tell you right now, there is no way in gingerbread that
16:27
I am doing that.
16:30
He can ask all he wants. The answer will
16:33
always be, heck no.
16:36
>> Speaker A: Do you feel guilty knowing that the elves
16:39
then end up picking the dingleberries?
16:41
>> Speaker B: What do you mean, the elves pick the dingleberries?
16:44
Okay. Anti is grown man. He can handle his own
16:48
dingleberries.
16:48
>> Speaker A: I think Santa likes the
16:51
tender touch of
16:54
somebody else picking his dingleberries.
16:56
>> Speaker B: Well, him and I are going to have a very firm conversation when I get
16:59
back home.
16:59
>> Speaker A: Santa, when and if you hear
17:02
this.
17:03
>> Speaker B: he cannot mistreat the elf that way.
17:05
>> Speaker A: How could you not have told her? This cannot be how she
17:08
finds out. Santa, I know
17:11
that there's a whole year until you drop off a big, fat load of
17:14
stuff at my house again, but, like, don't put me
17:17
on the naughty list for this. It's not my
17:19
fault.
17:20
>> Speaker B: You would not go on the naughty.
17:21
>> Speaker A: List for this, if anything.
17:24
Yeah, yeah. Actually, you know what?
17:27
That's right.
17:30
So, Mrs. Claus, it's cold up north.
17:35
I don't know if I explained, so this is a podcast I do about
17:38
bathrooms. You're here now, so you're on
17:41
it.
17:41
>> Speaker B: do you need written consent for that?
17:43
>> Speaker A: No, I think just the fact that you continue speaking into
17:46
the microphone is consent. that's what I tell myself anytime
17:49
I have anybody on this. I do tell them
17:52
if they say something that they want me to take back, I can always. The
17:54
power of editing is pretty cool.
17:56
but since you're here, one of the things that I'm
17:59
curious about is it's pretty cold up north where you
18:02
live, allegedly. is it?
18:04
>> Speaker B: It's very rude to allude that I'm not from where I am.
18:07
>> Speaker A: Okay. Siberia.
18:10
>> Speaker B: Not, what?
18:10
>> Speaker A: I said, do you
18:12
shave, Mrs. Claus? Can I
18:15
ask that question?
18:16
>> Speaker B: Well, I am a woman.
18:18
>> Speaker A: Okay. But it's cold.
18:20
>> Speaker B: are you asking if I leave the hair on my body
18:23
as an extra layer of warmth?
18:24
>> Speaker A: I mean, it's a Mrs. Claus thing. I don't know.
18:28
>> Speaker B: I'm still a woman.
18:29
>> Speaker A: Okay, fair enough.
18:30
>> Speaker B: I do know that there are some women who do
18:33
not indulge in that, but I
18:36
personally like to have clean shaving,
18:39
and I wear very warm clothing.
18:40
>> Speaker A: Okay, very good.
18:42
>> Speaker B: Nice wool leggings and
18:45
very warm clothes. Having shaved
18:48
legs does not.
18:49
>> Speaker A: So, do you affect that? do you ever help Santa with his
18:52
shaving, like, his back and
18:54
other areas. Do you ever shave Santa's back? Let's
18:57
just get to it.
19:00
>> Speaker B: Santa doesn't need his back shaved.
19:03
>> Speaker A: Well, Santa wants his back. I mean, so this seems
19:06
like maybe, we should have had Santa here, too, because
19:08
Santa shared a lot of information with me last year that I
19:11
feel like maybe he should have shared with you, his wife.
19:14
but apparently, Santa would like you to shave his back.
19:17
>> Speaker B: M that's going to be a no.
19:18
>> Speaker A: Okay, so we'll chalk it up to the elves and move.
19:21
>> Speaker B: no, he's not allowed to ask the elves to help with that. If he would like
19:24
to get his back shaved, he can go see a professional and pay them a
19:26
substantial amount of money for it.
19:28
>> Speaker A: Do they have professional back shavers in the north
19:30
Pole or Siberia?
19:32
>> Speaker B: Everything in the north Pole.
19:35
>> Speaker A: Everything?
19:39
>> Speaker B: Everything.
19:40
>> Speaker A: Okay, well, then Santa gets paid.
19:42
>> Speaker B: Very well for what they do. Except for I'm finding out the elves are being
19:45
very much misused here.
19:50
>> Speaker A: Well, maybe Santa's paying them extra. I don't.
19:54
We wait till I tell you what he did with the reindeer.
19:57
>> Speaker B: excuse me.
19:59
>> Speaker A: Also, Santa alleged that he is having,
20:02
elves bathe him. Do you know anything about
20:05
these elven bath.
20:08
>> Speaker B: The elves are in charge of filling Santa's
20:10
bathtub, but then they are supposed to leave,
20:14
and Santa is to wash himself.
20:17
>> Speaker A: I think either by choice or by force,
20:20
a number of elves are sticking around for the main
20:23
attraction. And, I don't know.
20:26
Do you know if Santa's a loofah man or a washcloth man,
20:29
or does he, like, have magic soap that just
20:32
does the scrubbing?
20:33
>> Speaker B: No. we are not wizards.
20:36
>> Speaker A: Okay. You are magical, though.
20:38
Yes.
20:39
>> Speaker B: This is not.
20:41
>> Speaker A: You made 245 ounce
20:43
cups of hot cocoa in less than a minute. So I'm
20:46
trying to figure it out.
20:48
>> Speaker B: But we do can have
20:50
magic. But it's Christmas
20:53
magic, okay? Very different
20:55
than wizarding magic.
20:57
>> Speaker A: Got it.
20:58
>> Speaker B: And as for him, he uses, a
21:01
loofah.
21:02
>> Speaker A: He's a loofah man.
21:03
>> Speaker B: Yes. It's candy cane shaped.
21:06
>> Speaker A: Why would it ever need to be candy cane shaped? For
21:09
what purpose?
21:10
>> Speaker B: He likes to scratch his back with it while he's taking a
21:13
shower, but.
21:14
>> Speaker A: If you scratch too far down, it's going to slip
21:17
into the wrong grooves.
21:20
>> Speaker B: it's not that long of a.
21:25
>> Speaker A: has.
21:25
Did you know that Santa threatened to poop in my stocking
21:28
last year? he said he would, quote, leave something
21:31
nice in my stocking for me. Now, you didn't see his
21:34
face when he said it, but he did not mean a treat or a
21:37
toy.
21:38
>> Speaker B: Santa had tried to do that,
21:41
many years ago,
21:43
way before your time. and he
21:46
learned very quickly that the wife is
21:49
the one who has to handle the stockings after. And
21:52
it doesn't actually punish the husband to
21:55
leave nice treat in their stockings.
21:59
We have a rule. Now, if I find out he's done that to
22:01
somebody's stocking where he gets to sleep on the couch for
22:04
a.
22:05
>> Speaker A: Couple months, it's a couple
22:08
almost. That's a good fraction of the year.
22:11
Closer to the next Christmas.
22:12
>> Speaker B: Yes. Let's, hope he learns his lesson quickly.
22:15
>> Speaker A: has Santa ever tried to perform an
22:17
icy bung?
22:19
>> Speaker B: I'm not sure I know what that is, young man.
22:21
>> Speaker A: I think it's when you run out of toilet paper and you use
22:24
snow.
22:26
>> Speaker B: M.
22:29
it's very possible he has.
22:32
>> Speaker A: Yeah.
22:32
>> Speaker B: I feel like it wouldn't be too unsanitary to use
22:35
that.
22:35
>> Speaker A: It's just cold.
22:36
>> Speaker B: It's just cold. So he'd have to aim very
22:39
carefully, not hit anything else.
22:42
>> Speaker A: Have you ever gone in for the icy bung?
22:45
>> Speaker B: No. okay. I use a proper
22:48
toilet. When we
22:51
were a young Claus family,
22:53
before toilets were
22:56
invented and things.
22:57
>> Speaker A: Oh, yeah. Oh, man. We don't think about that.
23:00
>> Speaker B: We definitely use dug
23:03
holes and did that. And let me tell you, indoor
23:06
plumbing is a miracle all in
23:10
your.
23:11
>> Speaker A: How did you think about, like.
23:14
So at one point here in America, people were
23:17
just crapping in the street. It was a thing. They just dumped water down.
23:21
Was. What was the pulse with Santa on
23:24
know, you just go to deliver presents and the streets are just filled with
23:27
turds.
23:28
>> Speaker B: Well, I think he probably just used the bathroom when he needed
23:31
to. Then it wasn't much of, But did he have to quietly
23:34
sneak into somebody's bathroom and use that?
23:36
>> Speaker A: Right, but he just hit the street.
23:38
>> Speaker B: Yep.
23:38
>> Speaker A: Oh, man. So maybe that was a better world for.
23:41
Cause, like, it sounds like maybe this.
23:44
>> Speaker B: Definitely a quicker, drop off
23:46
times.
23:47
>> Speaker A: I think his lack there was just less people could have been solved
23:50
better.
23:52
so Santa said that he carves wieners in the bar
23:55
soap. Have you found one of these soap
23:57
wieners?
23:58
>> Speaker B: Yes. I think he just
24:01
gets bored.
24:04
We make toys all year, and
24:08
I think you can only make so many toy
24:11
trucks and little dollies.
24:14
And I think he just feels he needs to have
24:18
an outlet. Like a middle school
24:22
know, Santa goes through phases.
24:25
When you live as long as he does and as long
24:28
as I have, you go through phases. And right
24:31
now he's in the middle school boy wiener
24:34
carving phase. We've gone through it before.
24:37
>> Speaker A: We'll get through it, man.
24:40
Yeah. Hey, well, good for
24:43
Santa. He did say that sometimes he leaves them for the
24:46
elves to find. I don't know. Does the North
24:48
Pole have, like, an HR sexual harassment
24:52
thing that.
24:52
>> Speaker B: No, but I might be looking into.
24:54
>> Speaker A: Starting one of know. I'm not trying to get Santa
24:56
fired.
24:57
>> Speaker B: You can't fire I.
24:59
>> Speaker A: Well, according to, Tim Allen, I can murder
25:02
him and be.
25:03
>> Speaker B: No, no, that's not.
25:05
>> Speaker A: Oh, are you sure?
25:06
>> Speaker B: That's just Hollywood?
25:09
>> Speaker A: How do we get a new Santa?
25:11
>> Speaker B: There's never been a new Santa.
25:12
>> Speaker A: Okay, well, I need a Santa that's less pissed
25:15
at me.
25:16
>> Speaker B: Well, then I would suggest that you do some kissing.
25:19
>> Speaker A: Oh, no. Because I've talked to Santa, and
25:22
I'm very aware of where he would like to be
25:24
kissed because of.
25:27
Okay, so Santa has a strange relationship with the
25:29
reindeer. I learned this last year.
25:31
>> Speaker B: They've been around together for thousands
25:34
of years. Yeah.
25:35
>> Speaker A: So, did Santa know the
25:37
reindeer before? Did y'all.
25:40
Did you guys, like, hatch from the same. I don't know how it.
25:46
>> Speaker B: When did you grow from a tree?
25:51
>> Speaker A: Is that offensive? I don't know.
25:52
>> Speaker B: It is a little bit offensive. I'm not offense.
25:55
>> Speaker A: Did you guys get married?
25:57
>> Speaker B: Yes.
25:57
>> Speaker A: Okay, that makes sense because it's Mrs.
26:01
Did he know the reindeer before you?
26:03
>> Speaker B: No, actually, we found
26:06
the reindeer shortly after we were
26:09
married within. I think we had been
26:11
married.
26:12
>> Speaker A: Is Rudolph annoying?
26:13
>> Speaker B: One year before we found the reindeer.
26:16
>> Speaker A: So you got a pet one year in? Is that kind of what I'm.
26:19
>> Speaker B: Well, it wasn't so much like nine
26:22
pets. We found that one of them glows. when we
26:25
were building Santa's
26:27
workshop, they kind of just
26:30
arrived, and they were just little
26:32
babies. There were no
26:35
adults, just little babies. And so
26:38
Santa and I bottle fed them and
26:40
off in the head.
26:42
>> Speaker A: No, see if it fixes his nose, because.
26:44
>> Speaker B: No, there's nothing wrong with his nose.
26:47
Well, he is beautiful the way
26:49
he is.
26:50
>> Speaker A: So according.
26:51
>> Speaker B: We have to work very hard on his confidence.
26:53
>> Speaker A: Yeah.
26:54
>> Speaker B: He struggles. The other reindeer made a lot of fun
26:57
of him back in the 90s,
27:00
especially.
27:00
>> Speaker A: Yeah, I remember.
27:03
and the children of the world.
27:05
>> Speaker B: Were just so mean.
27:06
>> Speaker A: Well, I think it's because he's annoying.
27:08
>> Speaker B: No, he was not. He is very sweet. He's
27:11
just a little special.
27:12
>> Speaker A: Have you ever seen the documentary about Rudolph?
27:15
Because every time his nose flashes,
27:18
it makes the stupidest sound.
27:22
>> Speaker B: Yes, from the old
27:25
animated movie. His nose does not make that
27:28
sound when it glows. Well, just the
27:31
people who made the documentary needed not as much a
27:34
documentary as it is a child show.
27:36
>> Speaker A: Yukon Cornelius was a real hero.
27:38
>> Speaker B: Yukon Cornelius had yarn
27:41
beard, and he
27:44
licked his pickaxe.
27:46
>> Speaker A: Well, Santa takes baths with.
27:49
I can't remember which Rainer. I want to say dasher, but
27:52
he takes baths with the rain. Oh, yeah, it's
27:55
Dasher.
27:56
>> Speaker B: it's not the kind of bath like you're
28:01
did. before I tell you what it is, tell
28:04
me what Santa told you. His bath with Dasher
28:07
was.
28:09
>> Speaker A: Said. Oh, man.
28:11
>> Speaker B: Oh.
28:11
>> Speaker A: I asked him how he felt about
28:14
baths, and he said that he loves them.
28:17
And he said something along the lines of,
28:20
especially with a reindeer. And I said,
28:22
do you take baths with the reindeer? And he said, yeah,
28:25
mostly dasher.
28:27
>> Speaker B: Yes. So it's not a. Oh,
28:30
they're both in a big old tub bath. we
28:33
use, a special galvanized tank to help clean
28:36
the reindeer. They get really exhausted
28:39
and dirty, especially after flying, and
28:42
landing on roofs. There's chimneys. There's through
28:45
trees and through the sky. They just get a little bit
28:47
dirty. and so we have a special galvanized tank
28:50
where Santa has to stand in to scrub the
28:52
reindeer, clean them off. and so,
28:56
yes, sometimes that does fill up a little bit before we
28:59
drain it between each reindeer. But it is Dasher's
29:01
favorite. He will get back in line to get
29:04
reclean three or four times before Santa has to finally be
29:07
done.
29:07
>> Speaker A: Okay, Dasher's a little weird then.
29:10
>> Speaker B: Well, he just likes to have baths.
29:12
>> Speaker A: Which of the reindeer, is the weirdest reindeer?
29:15
>> Speaker B: Comet.
29:15
>> Speaker A: Comet.
29:17
>> Speaker B: He thinks he's an actual comet.
29:20
>> Speaker A: See, I would have thought Rudolph would have been thinking he's a
29:23
comet since his nose. No, he's got, like, drunken nose.
29:26
>> Speaker B: He's just got just a lot
29:29
of self, pity is what he
29:31
has.
29:32
>> Speaker A: Yeah.
29:35
no confidence.
29:37
So, Mrs. Glaus, we already know where Santa. But how do you
29:40
feel about baths? Are you pro bath?
29:42
>> Speaker B: Oh, absolutely. I love taking a nice,
29:45
warm bubble bath with my hot cocoa.
29:47
>> Speaker A: Do you ever get a reindeer or an elf in the mix, like, no.
29:50
>> Speaker B: Sir, I do not. I am a lady.
29:53
>> Speaker A: Okay, well, your husband isn't a lady, but he
29:56
definitely acts like he gets a
29:59
Rudolph for one or two in there.
30:01
>> Speaker B: Nope. like I told you, just a galvanized washing
30:03
tub for the reindeer. But, I mean,
30:06
it does get pretty full with water, because Santa
30:09
just.
30:10
>> Speaker A: Santa ever try to load all nine reindeer and get in there
30:12
himself at the same time?
30:14
>> Speaker B: He tried it a couple of times, but the tub is not
30:17
that big.
30:18
>> Speaker A: Okay, how many did he get into the tub?
30:23
>> Speaker B: I, do believe he got three in, and the rest
30:26
of them were.
30:27
>> Speaker A: Just so we know Dasher's in there because he's a big fan.
30:30
>> Speaker B: Prancer. Prancer and vixen.
30:32
>> Speaker A: Okay. Yeah, that's.
30:34
>> Speaker B: You do know that Santa's reindeer are all girls, right?
30:37
>> Speaker A: I'm pretty confident Rudolph is a boy, based on the
30:40
documentary Rudolph. He loved
30:43
Clarice, or whatever her head was.
30:45
>> Speaker B: because female reindeer keep their antlers
30:48
in the wintertime, and male reindeer shed.
30:50
>> Speaker A: Female reindeer get antlers.
30:52
>> Speaker B: Male reindeer shed their antlers.
30:53
>> Speaker A: Mrs. Claus, did you know that reindeer,
30:57
at some point in history, have eaten psychedelic mushrooms
31:00
and their urine carried those psychedelic
31:02
properties?
31:04
>> Speaker B: yeah, I heard about it. Probably around
31:05
the. Well, that just became m
31:08
a well known thing.
31:10
>> Speaker A: I don't know when it became well known. Somebody started
31:13
to talk about it at some point.
31:15
but, yeah, it was a long time ago that they found this out, and
31:18
then they didn't start talking about it until a long time
31:21
later. So you're pro baths.
31:23
how about the toilet paper? There's a
31:26
series of questions I ask everybody. and
31:29
so when you sit down and the toilet paper is on the
31:32
roll, do you like the toilet paper to hang over,
31:34
under, or as I have been explained it in the last couple of
31:37
years, do you prefer it as
31:40
a mullet back or a
31:43
beard forward?
31:45
>> Speaker B: Well, I do enjoy it to be,
31:48
over the top like a beard. but that's because the
31:51
elves fold the tip of it into a fun little
31:53
shape like a star.
31:56
>> Speaker A: That's fun.
31:58
>> Speaker B: It's like going to a fancy hotel.
31:59
>> Speaker A: Did you know that Santa said he has trained you to put the toilet paper
32:02
on the roll? He used the word train.
32:05
>> Speaker B: He trained.
32:06
>> Speaker A: He said that I have trained Mrs. Claus to do it the right
32:09
way.
32:10
>> Speaker B: What does he think is the right way?
32:12
>> Speaker A: I think he was in agreement with you.
32:14
>> Speaker B: Well, that's the only way. It's not a training.
32:17
>> Speaker A: It is not the only way.
32:18
>> Speaker B: Yeah. Any other way is wrong. There's a.
32:22
>> Speaker A: Know Mrs. Claus. I've had a number of people on this
32:25
show, and most of the
32:28
people, when we get to this, and they want to try to prove
32:31
a point, they start talking
32:34
about the patent and how the person who made the
32:37
patent patented it with the beard and not the
32:39
mullet. But that doesn't matter.
32:42
>> Speaker B: Then neither does your documentary about Rudolph
32:45
and his blinky nose. That makes noise.
32:47
>> Speaker A: But it's a beloved film. Watched by toilet
32:50
paper is an item.
32:51
>> Speaker B: Used by people every day.
32:53
>> Speaker A: I'm in complete agreement.
32:55
>> Speaker B: And so I feel like the official
32:57
document patent for toilet
33:00
paper has more sway than an animated
33:03
Hollywood cartoon for children.
33:05
>> Speaker A: Documentary.
33:06
>> Speaker B: Not a documentary.
33:09
>> Speaker A: Your husband and you feature in it.
33:12
>> Speaker B: That does not make it a documentary. Young man, you don't
33:14
remember Rudy Tootie.
33:15
>> Speaker A: Fresh and fruity that wants to be like a dentist or whatever. I don't remember
33:18
his name. He was annoying, too. Clarence
33:21
Leroy Toto?
33:24
I don't know. Do you know who I'm talking about? Did
33:26
he actually go rogue? Did he quit because
33:29
Santa made him scrub his butthole?
33:33
That would make me want to be a dentist. I don't really like
33:35
dentists, but if Santa was like,
33:38
scrub it. that would probably be dentist. If I
33:41
was an elf.
33:42
>> Speaker B: No, he did
33:45
not quit because he's not a real
33:48
elf. Because
33:51
that's a Hollywood animated
33:53
child's program.
33:56
And they have no idea because we don't share the
33:59
names of our elves with people.
34:01
>> Speaker A: I know Bernard is one.
34:04
>> Speaker B: No, that is once again, from a Hollywood.
34:08
>> Speaker A: I'm pretty confident Legolas is one as well.
34:11
>> Speaker B: But I. That is definitely from the
34:13
book by
34:16
JRL token.
34:18
>> Speaker A: Every elf is.
34:19
>> Speaker B: No, no. we have the only
34:22
elves. There are no south pole elves. There are also no elves that
34:25
live in trees and make
34:28
all marketing.
34:31
>> Speaker A: Well, somebody makes the cookies.
34:32
>> Speaker B: Yeah, it's not elves. It's a factory where people.
34:35
>> Speaker A: Maybe they heard you say this and they have a time
34:38
machine and they were pissed and they went back and told
34:40
everyone to put Xlax in Santa's cookies. Maybe
34:43
that's the, quote. Non existent quote. Tree
34:46
elves that you have offended. So,
34:51
when you're just trying to.
34:52
>> Speaker B: Get out of trouble with Santa.
34:54
>> Speaker A: Yeah, probably not. I mean, I think know.
34:57
>> Speaker B: I don't think Santa's gonna forgive you for many years to come.
34:59
>> Speaker A: He kind of said he would.
35:02
what do you have to do? I don't remember. It's not important.
35:05
I think I had to tell people not to put Xlax in his stuff.
35:08
Wink. do you.
35:09
>> Speaker B: Would you stop winking?
35:11
>> Speaker A: I don't know.
35:12
>> Speaker B: Do you have like a tick or something?
35:14
>> Speaker A: No, I don't like ticks.
35:18
So Santa believes in
35:21
his heart, or I don't know how many he has.
35:24
Because the Grinch has. Well, he's got one heart, but it got bigger.
35:27
I think it's a disease. but like, Santa and
35:30
his a really nice fellow.
35:32
So the Grinch is real, but Bernard
35:35
and Clarence the dentist elf are
35:37
not?
35:38
>> Speaker B: Yes, the Grinch is real. He's one of our elves.
35:43
>> Speaker A: How can the Grinch be one of your elves? He's not even
35:46
an elf.
35:46
>> Speaker B: He's a who and he's a
35:49
who that, well, is an
35:52
elf.
35:52
>> Speaker A: Okay?
35:54
>> Speaker B: And he does have a disease that caused his heart to
35:57
grow, but it's not because he hated Christmas and then decided that he
36:00
loved Christmas.
36:01
>> Speaker A: I'm pretty confident that that is how.
36:03
That's just Hollywood.
36:06
>> Speaker B: That's just the story. All right, Mrs. Clark, Dr.
36:08
Seuss came up with. He was a very nice young man,
36:11
too.
36:13
>> Speaker A: Yeah. a lot of his books were political.
36:16
Yeah. Do you know, like.
36:17
So Santa, Santa's take on
36:20
seat toilet seats. Is that
36:23
you, Mrs. Claus, and every other woman of the world
36:26
should have to put the seat down
36:29
themselves and raise it up when they are done.
36:33
>> Speaker B: Why?
36:34
>> Speaker A: I think his argument, again. you
36:37
can go listen to his argument. But I believe his argument
36:40
was it takes just as much effort for a
36:43
man to put the seat down as it does for a woman to
36:46
put the seat up.
36:47
>> Speaker B: Man doesn't fall in the toilet in the night because they left the seat
36:50
up.
36:50
>> Speaker A: Right. So I think the idea is.
36:54
Again, this is not my idea.
36:56
I think your husband's being lazy.
36:59
>> Speaker B: well, he does work really hard one day of the year.
37:02
>> Speaker A: Yeah. And then it sounds like he sleeps a lot of the
37:05
rest of the year and hangs out with the elves and the reindeer
37:08
and gets in trouble with you.
37:11
Yeah. but
37:14
do you feel like you should have to put the seat up for him?
37:16
>> Speaker B: No.
37:18
>> Speaker A: Why?
37:19
>> Speaker B: Because, his butt don't fall in the toilet.
37:22
>> Speaker A: Why do you think that Santa can't figure out how to magically
37:25
raise and lower the toilet seat?
37:27
>> Speaker B: Our magic doesn't work that way. Christmas magic.
37:29
>> Speaker A: But couldn't he Christmas
37:32
magic build a device that does
37:35
it?
37:36
>> Speaker B: No, because Christmas doesn't have to do with toilet seats coming
37:39
up.
37:42
>> Speaker A: I think your husband would beg to differ. Last year
37:44
he was, from what you've said,
37:47
ruining. he. Did he ever poop
37:50
after that? Did he ever go to the bathroom in the north
37:53
pole? Did it make it all the way back or did he totally void himself
37:56
before?
37:56
>> Speaker B: Oh, no, it made it back. He doesn't void himself until
37:59
he got home because he continually ate
38:02
cookies.
38:02
>> Speaker A: One giant, he kept eating.
38:05
>> Speaker B: So there were still things to come out.
38:08
Yeah, he did have a couple of the reindeer carrots.
38:12
They weren't too happy with him, but
38:14
he felt that he needed to have something besides sugar coming out of
38:17
him so quickly.
38:19
>> Speaker A: Has Santa said anything about his trip this year? He just got
38:22
back. You said, get back. Did he say anything about his
38:25
trip this year?
38:26
>> Speaker B: he was extra gassy this year.
38:28
>> Speaker A: Okay. did
38:31
anybody leave him mushrooms per
38:34
chance?
38:34
>> Speaker B: He did see a couple of mushroom shaped
38:37
cookies, and then he did see
38:39
some mushrooms on the plate. For the reindeer.
38:42
>> Speaker A: Yeah. Did he happen to eat any of those?
38:44
>> Speaker B: No, he fed them to the reindeer. they were with the reindeer.
38:47
>> Speaker A: How are the reindeer doing?
38:48
>> Speaker B: They've all been acting a little strange.
38:50
>> Speaker A: Yeah.
38:51
>> Speaker B: Did you tell people to give the reindeer mushrooms this year?
38:54
>> Speaker A: I specifically said. Did you say, wink said,
38:57
pizza mushrooms? Don't do that,
39:00
wink.
39:01
>> Speaker B: You did tell them.
39:05
Hopefully those reindeer aren't sick by next year still.
39:07
>> Speaker A: Oh, from what I can tell on my research, they're not going to be
39:10
sick. Have you ever seen the kids television Program
39:13
Scooby Doo? Unfortunately,
39:17
I think the reindeer are what Scooby and the gang
39:20
would call zoinking. Right.
39:24
know, also if you trying to solve a
39:27
mystery. Yeah, if you want a bottle. Yeah. The mystery
39:30
is psychedelic mushrooms.
39:33
>> Speaker B: I thought you said pizza mushrooms.
39:34
>> Speaker A: I did. People are dumb and don't listen to me.
39:37
>> Speaker B: You do. Tell them, wink. Wink at the end.
39:40
>> Speaker A: Well, that's because this is not.
39:42
>> Speaker B: Have a tick.
39:44
>> Speaker A: I don't like ticks. this is not a visual medium,
39:47
and so to get the emotion on my
39:50
face, I have to sometimes explain the emotion.
39:53
>> Speaker B: Wink. You're not actually
39:55
winking when you're saying it? No. Because. Are you
39:58
lying to the people?
39:59
>> Speaker A: Because if I say it, I don't have to do it. It's one of those things.
40:02
so are you ever concerned about. You
40:05
said it's not real, but
40:07
there's logical, well meaning people that
40:10
believe it is real. Are you worried about
40:13
Santa getting murdered so that way other people can be Santa?
40:16
>> Speaker B: I do think that there are crazy people in this world. Well,
40:19
and I do think that there are some psycho people who would
40:22
attempt to get a hold of Santa to try
40:24
and see if they could Tim Allen their way into the North
40:27
Pole. Yeah. but, Santa's
40:30
suit is extra special.
40:33
>> Speaker A: Really?
40:34
>> Speaker B: Yes.
40:34
>> Speaker A: What's so special about Santa suit?
40:36
>> Speaker B: I'm afraid that is very
40:39
elf classified.
40:41
>> Speaker A: I have a feeling that I'm going to get a hold of an elf
40:44
someday and I will get all this information.
40:47
>> Speaker B: No, our elves are very.
40:49
>> Speaker A: Well, Bernard is not.
40:51
>> Speaker B: Bernard is a real elf. Not a real
40:53
elf. Yours don't
40:56
even look real, Santa.
40:58
>> Speaker A: yeah, that's true. Santa insinuated
41:01
that you pooped on him.
41:03
>> Speaker B: Excuse me?
41:04
>> Speaker A: Santa insinuated that you pooped on him.
41:07
>> Speaker B: When?
41:08
>> Speaker A: When did you poop on him? Or when did he insinuate
41:11
it?
41:12
>> Speaker B: When did he say I pooped on him?
41:14
>> Speaker A: One year ago. Almost to the day, strangely
41:17
enough. It's weird how this keeps happening. I don't understand it.
41:20
I just want to talk about fudge with nuts. but,
41:23
yeah, he said fudge with.
41:24
>> Speaker B: Nuts is not good. Okay.
41:27
>> Speaker A: Your husband likes it. Well,
41:30
quote, I like, the more nuts, the better. Was I thinking he has
41:33
to put.
41:33
>> Speaker B: The nuts in the fudge himself? Because I don't believe that nuts,
41:37
deserve to be in any sort of.
41:40
>> Speaker A: Dessert or baked good nuts in the,
41:46
Santa? Yeah, I think Santa likes putting nuts in the fudge. I
41:49
think that's true.
41:52
But that's when it,
41:56
like. Did you do it?
41:58
>> Speaker B: No.
41:58
>> Speaker A: Well, why would Santa say that you did? What's
42:01
wrong with him?
42:02
>> Speaker B: Do you remember when I said that Santa comes home and he's
42:05
usually very hyped up on sugar and tired?
42:08
>> Speaker A: You think it's part of his middle school phase, too?
42:10
>> Speaker B: No, I think he might have had a little bit
42:13
too many sugar cookies,
42:16
and he was just
42:18
hallucinating. I feel like
42:20
the might have possibly thrown fudge at
42:23
him.
42:25
>> Speaker A: He thought it was a turd. have
42:28
you ever met Mr. Hank?
42:29
>> Speaker B: He puked on my.
42:30
>> Speaker A: So, yeah, that's gross.
42:32
>> Speaker B: I threw fudge at him.
42:33
>> Speaker A: Have you ever met Mr. Hanky?
42:35
>> Speaker B: no.
42:36
>> Speaker A: You haven't?
42:36
>> Speaker B: No.
42:37
>> Speaker A: From what I understand, him and your husband are, like,
42:40
halfway.
42:41
>> Speaker B: no, because, Mr. Hanky is a Christmas
42:44
poo.
42:45
>> Speaker A: Yes.
42:45
>> Speaker B: And, when they hang out, it's always at his place.
42:48
>> Speaker A: He lives in the sewers underneath
42:51
Colorado. I'm not going to lie. I
42:54
don't know a lot about,
42:54
>> Speaker B: Mr. Hankey has had his invitation to
42:57
our home withdrawn.
42:58
>> Speaker A: Okay. well, that doesn't
43:01
seem very nice.
43:02
>> Speaker B: Well, there was a very good reason.
43:04
>> Speaker A: Did you know Mr. Hankey has electric wizard powers?
43:07
>> Speaker B: Yes, unfortunately, I did. That's one of the reasons he's no
43:10
longer welcome into our home.
43:12
>> Speaker A: Got it.
43:12
>> Speaker B: now, m Chris has tried to get him back in.
43:16
>> Speaker A: Yeah.
43:16
>> Speaker B: and Hanky, has
43:19
not made it back onto the visitor list
43:22
yet.
43:23
>> Speaker A: It's just dawning on me that your husband's name is Chris
43:26
Kringle, and I just got thrown for a wild
43:28
loop. What is your name?
43:32
I've called you pretty much Mrs.
43:35
All evening. because is your
43:38
name just Mrs. Kringle also? I thought it was
43:40
Claus. Is Claus like a surname or like a
43:43
maiden name? How's that work?
43:46
>> Speaker B: Claus? is my married
43:49
name.
43:50
>> Speaker A: Okay.
43:51
>> Speaker B: my first name is
43:54
Debbie. No, not Debbie. That would be
43:57
Patricia Philly.
43:59
>> Speaker A: What about Patricia?
44:00
>> Speaker B: No, it's Gertrude.
44:03
>> Speaker A: No, it's not. Mrs.
44:06
Claus, in all due respect, I'll be
44:09
calling you Mrs. And not Gertrude.
44:12
>> Speaker B: Well, that's very polite of you, young man.
44:15
>> Speaker A: Ah, yeah, because Gertrude Claus
44:18
sounds fake.
44:22
so you're not worried about Sam? Well, you are worried,
44:25
but you think it's not likely to happen based on, quote, a
44:28
suit, him being murdered. And you said you haven't
44:31
pooped on him. so when you walked into the
44:34
bathroom and you saw your husband,
44:36
Santa Claus, pooping in a litter box, what
44:39
did you do?
44:40
>> Speaker B: Think I just turned around and walked away. I think it
44:43
was one of those moments. We wives have these
44:46
moments frequently with our. Where, my
44:49
wife doesn't have these. Oh, no, she does.
44:53
All wives, they all
44:55
have them. They just see their husband do something,
44:58
and they have come to just
45:01
go, well, all
45:04
right. And then you just turn around and walk away, and you don't ask any
45:07
questions, and you let it go. and then
45:09
if that behavior continues, then you get to ask a question.
45:13
but the first initial one, you just go.
45:16
So it's kind of like a middle schooler where you say,
45:19
don't do that. And then they feel the need to continue to do it.
45:21
>> Speaker A: Yeah.
45:22
>> Speaker B: And I'm sure you are just like that when your wife does things.
45:25
>> Speaker A: No, I think I listen pretty good. do you think
45:27
Santa has returned to the litter box?
45:30
>> Speaker B: The litter box was for our house cat.
45:33
>> Speaker A: Well, Santa said, you don't have a cat.
45:36
>> Speaker B: you have a cat.
45:36
>> Speaker A: He just doesn't know about it.
45:38
>> Speaker B: We have a. The.
45:40
>> Speaker A: What's the cat's name?
45:41
>> Speaker B: Is it peppermint?
45:43
>> Speaker A: Peppermint. That's a good cat name.
45:44
>> Speaker B: Thank you.
45:46
>> Speaker A: So Santa said he has used peppermint's
45:49
litter box.
45:52
>> Speaker B: yes, he has. Santa has some,
45:56
I'd like to call it, ibs
45:58
is kind of what it is. and he
46:01
did not make it to the
46:04
bathroom.
46:04
>> Speaker A: So what I'm proposing is.
46:08
>> Speaker B: Well, I'm already married, young man.
46:09
>> Speaker A: No. Forgive me. what I'm
46:12
suggesting is perhaps in flight
46:14
litter boxes on the sleigh, just
46:18
in case there is an accidental and
46:20
totally unintended x lax problem
46:23
in the future. Santa can hit the litter
46:26
box. Also, why is there not just a
46:29
hatch that he can just poop through the bottom of the
46:31
sleigh?
46:33
>> Speaker B: Well, because people
46:35
become afraid of things that fall from the sky.
46:38
>> Speaker A: Yeah, but by the time Santa doesn't
46:41
fly that high, but he's moving so
46:43
fast that it's going to be like water vapor by the
46:46
time it gets on people.
46:48
>> Speaker B: Yeah. You can still smell it.
46:51
>> Speaker A: Yeah, but, like, half the world stinks.
46:53
>> Speaker B: No, it's just a sanitary issue.
46:57
Yeah. And we don't want to cause anybody to get
46:59
sick. we heard a story of a young man
47:02
who accidentally had cow poop right
47:05
at him, and he swallowed it and got very sick.
47:08
>> Speaker A: Yeah, I think I'm
47:11
related to that guy.
47:15
>> Speaker A: I think there's a non zero chance that I'm related to that person.
47:17
>> Speaker B: I cannot confirm or deny that.
47:22
>> Speaker A: so Santa said y'all use charmin.
47:25
Do you agree with that choice, or is that by force?
47:28
>> Speaker B: it's very soft.
47:29
>> Speaker A: Yeah. is that why Santa's going for.
47:33
>> Speaker B: He has. His bathroom experiences aren't very good.
47:36
He eats mostly cookies.
47:39
>> Speaker A: Yeah. What does he eat? Like, not Christmas
47:42
time cookies.
47:45
>> Speaker B: I've gotten to the point where I grind up
47:48
vegetables and put them in the
47:51
cookies. I put them in the
47:54
frosting, like the green frosting.
47:56
Sometimes it has spinach in it.
48:01
With enough sugar, you can't taste it. But I'm trying to get a little
48:04
bit in him. And sometimes he eats, like,
48:06
turkey.
48:07
>> Speaker A: Okay.
48:08
>> Speaker B: But, not as a cookie.
48:10
>> Speaker A: Yeah, he just eats the turkey.
48:13
>> Speaker B: Yeah. He likes a nice turkey sandwich
48:15
on plain, sugar cookies, actually.
48:19
>> Speaker A: Has Santa ever tried a turkey cookie? Like, to make a
48:22
cookie or you.
48:24
>> Speaker B: I attempted it one time.
48:27
It does not have a very good
48:29
consistency.
48:31
>> Speaker A: I believe it.
48:32
>> Speaker B: dirty bird. And you have to really grind
48:35
the turkey into basically a
48:37
pate.
48:38
>> Speaker A: Gross.
48:39
>> Speaker B: So it's very mushy. That's
48:41
disgusting. And at that point,
48:44
it kind of turns. This weird gray color looks
48:47
the same.
48:47
>> Speaker A: Going in as it comes out.
48:48
>> Speaker B: Yeah. And it's just not an appealing experience for
48:51
anybody.
48:52
>> Speaker A: do you have any pet peeves in the bathroom, perhaps?
48:55
Maybe things that your husband's doing that drive you absolutely
48:58
nuts?
48:59
>> Speaker B: Santa, he trims his beard
49:02
and leaves beard hair all
49:05
over the place. And them little white
49:08
pieces of hair are so hard to get up
49:11
with. My vacuum.
49:12
>> Speaker A: You have a vacuum?
49:14
>> Speaker B: The north Pole has everything.
49:16
>> Speaker A: What brand of vacuum do you use?
49:19
>> Speaker B: I have a roomba.
49:20
>> Speaker A: A roomba. Does
49:23
Santa like the roomba?
49:24
>> Speaker B: Santa tried to poop on my roomba.
49:26
>> Speaker A: One did, huh?
49:29
>> Speaker B: Yes. Ah. He slept, on
49:32
the couch for most of the year.
49:34
>> Speaker A: That know
49:36
your husband's mad at me for allegedly
49:40
telling kids to x lax him. But it seems like
49:42
he's pretty open and willing to poop in places that are not
49:45
toilets.
49:47
>> Speaker B: Like I said, we have been alive for a very
49:50
long time.
49:51
>> Speaker A: You think he just gets bored?
49:52
>> Speaker B: I think he just gets bored.
49:55
>> Speaker A: hey, if you ever want, you can tell him. One of the things that
49:58
I think would work great but isn't widely
50:00
accepted is you take a Walmart bag, a classic
50:03
old school walmart bag, like the plastic
50:06
fuji ones that they say kill turtles. and
50:09
then you put your legs through the handle holes,
50:12
and then you wear it on the backside, and
50:15
then you can just poop straight into the bag. And then you just
50:18
take the bag off, and it's like
50:20
portable poopy diaper, but not a diaper. It doesn't touch
50:23
you.
50:24
>> Speaker B: I mean, at that point, he could just wear adult diapers.
50:26
>> Speaker A: No, because the poo touches your
50:29
skin. That's gross. That's
50:31
bad.
50:32
>> Speaker B: Well, I'm not going to tell him to use a grocery bag to catch his
50:35
poops.
50:36
>> Speaker A: Santa, if you're listening to this, he's.
50:37
>> Speaker B: Not when you hear this, because he's taking a
50:40
nap.
50:41
>> Speaker A: When you wake up in two weeks.
50:42
>> Speaker B: From your nap, I'll probably delete it so he'll never know.
50:45
>> Speaker A: That's not how podcasts work.
50:46
>> Speaker B: Well, Santa's not very bright.
50:49
>> Speaker A: No further questions.
50:51
so Santa said he's a big fan of Applebee's. How do you
50:54
feel about Applebee's, Mrs. Claus? He said that he likes to take you on,
50:57
quote, special dates to Applebee's.
50:59
>> Speaker B: Yes, we do go on dates to Applebee's.
51:02
>> Speaker A: It's pretty romantic.
51:04
>> Speaker B: Yeah, with all of that really fake lighting.
51:08
>> Speaker A: Do you get the two for 20, or do you
51:11
guys go separate on the meal deal?
51:14
>> Speaker B: I prefer their salad.
51:16
>> Speaker A: Okay.
51:17
>> Speaker B: Yeah, because I've had, gotten sick at
51:20
Applebee's a couple times.
51:21
>> Speaker A: Really?
51:22
>> Speaker B: But Mr. Chris, he just
51:24
really likes to go there, and it makes him so
51:27
happy, and so I just give
51:30
myself a nice drink.
51:33
Water.
51:33
>> Speaker A: Does he order cookies?
51:35
>> Speaker B: no. he only eats my cookies during the
51:38
year, and then he eats everybody else's on Christmas.
51:41
>> Speaker A: Say who? I might be out of the woods. It was you that
51:44
poisoned Santa. I mean, allegedly
51:46
poisoned.
51:47
>> Speaker B: No, no.
51:48
>> Speaker A: Have you ever given Santa Axelax in the cookies?
51:52
>> Speaker B: I did one time. but he was
51:54
very, very sick.
51:56
>> Speaker A: So maybe I helped him out last two years.
51:58
>> Speaker B: No, no, he wasn't sick then. And I gave
52:01
him an appropriate amount of one singular kind of x
52:04
lax, and he had unimaginable
52:07
amounts of various different kinds
52:09
from thousands of children in the world.
52:12
Yeah, very different what I did than what you
52:15
did.
52:15
>> Speaker A: I mean, it's similar.
52:16
>> Speaker B: No, it's not.
52:17
>> Speaker A: Mrs. Claus, have you ever taken a dark shower?
52:21
>> Speaker B: We did lose the power one time, and way before there
52:24
was electricity, I
52:26
showered in a bucket of cold.
52:29
Melted.
52:30
>> Speaker A: You don't think Santa could figure out how to magic? Use some hot
52:33
water?
52:33
>> Speaker B: Not Christmas magic.
52:36
>> Speaker A: Okay, but, like, if Christmas just melted the
52:39
snow, Christmas magic. Can't figure out hot
52:42
water. Do we need it that badly?
52:45
>> Speaker B: Well, I enjoy hot water. Now you
52:48
can thank the Romans for.
52:49
>> Speaker A: Yeah, I. What I hear. have you ever had a
52:52
snack in the. Like, does Santa ever take
52:55
his cookies in the shower?
52:57
>> Speaker B: No. Cookies would get wet and soggy in.
52:58
>> Speaker A: The shower, but okay. Do you ever have a snack in the shower, Mrs.
53:01
Claus?
53:02
>> Speaker B: No. Because that's weird.
53:04
>> Speaker A: Well, it's not that weird.
53:06
>> Speaker B: I think it might be.
53:07
>> Speaker A: Mrs. Claus, have you ever performed a waffle stomp?
53:10
>> Speaker B: No, sir.
53:10
>> Speaker A: Because your husband said that he did at South Albany High
53:13
school when he was in high school.
53:16
these are things that he said, as
53:19
a former guest of this show.
53:20
>> Speaker B: Chris, Chris, Chris.
53:24
Santa Claus never attended South Albany High school.
53:27
>> Speaker A: Well, I don't know what sort of strange memory he has,
53:29
but
53:32
he definitely said he pooped in the boys bathroom.
53:35
Boys locker room. Shower waffle
53:37
stomped.
53:38
>> Speaker B: That might be true, but he never went there as
53:41
a student.
53:44
>> Speaker A: Maybe he was just visiting creepily.
53:46
>> Speaker B: Might have been at night.
53:49
>> Speaker A: He was delivering gifts to the janitors. And he
53:52
did.
53:53
>> Speaker B: Yeah, Santa likes to hide little,
53:56
plastic objects around places.
53:59
>> Speaker A: Know, like, I know that
54:02
he's done, like, rubber duckies and rubber frogs at some point,
54:05
so who knows?
54:08
did you already say who your favorite reindeer is? Did we
54:11
do that?
54:13
>> Speaker B: Oh, I love Rudolph. He's just so
54:15
sweet.
54:16
>> Speaker A: Yeah, Rudolph really
54:19
is your favorite.
54:21
>> Speaker B: He just needs a little extra love.
54:23
>> Speaker A: Yeah. So again, the documentary, not
54:26
a documentary wherein Rudolph,
54:29
not a documentary, learns to fly.
54:34
>> Speaker A: He's awful.
54:35
>> Speaker B: No, he actually flies very well.
54:37
>> Speaker A: Okay, but he's awful. Like, he's
54:40
annoying. And his nose makes a siren sound
54:43
every time it lights.
54:44
>> Speaker B: Now, are you going to believe a Hollywood movie or
54:46
me, who has personal experience with
54:49
Rudolph every day?
54:51
>> Speaker A: I'm just saying maybe Rudolph's putting on a front for
54:54
you and he's not. That way when he's getting a bath with
54:57
Santa. I don't know.
54:58
So, anyway, were you happy at, like,
55:01
did Santa get any extra time home from the x lax
55:04
debacle out here last year? Did it set you up with any extra
55:06
Santa time?
55:08
>> Speaker B: No, Santa did not come home until
55:10
after he finished delivering the presents,
55:13
so it actually took away some of my time with
55:17
>> Speaker A: Well, I was really hoping that the opposite of that would have been true
55:20
and you wouldn't be mad at me, but just be mad at
55:22
him. It's better if you're just mad at Santa.
55:24
>> Speaker B: I am just mad at Santa, so.
55:26
>> Speaker A: I'm off the hook.
55:27
>> Speaker B: I never said.
55:30
>> Speaker A: Well, do you have any questions for me
55:33
about why do you do, know?
55:36
That's a good question, Mrs. Glaze. It started as a joke, kind
55:39
of, and then kind of turned into
55:42
this hobby that never really
55:44
stopped. I mean, it has an end date
55:47
at some point, but there
55:50
always seems to be something else about bathrooms that needs to be
55:53
learned.
55:53
>> Speaker B: What does your wife think of the show?
55:58
>> Speaker A: I think she is like, it
56:00
happens in my bathroom,
56:03
and she tells people about it, but it's
56:06
like. I don't
56:08
know. I think it's one of those things where it's like, this is the
56:11
thing my husband does, but
56:14
I mean, you get it. Your husband flies around the world and breaks and enters
56:17
and gives people goodies and threatens to poop in their stockings.
56:20
So we all have our thing.
56:22
>> Speaker B: Okay.
56:25
>> Speaker A: well, if you don't have any, I don't
56:28
know. How did you get here?
56:32
>> Speaker B: Christmas magic.
56:33
>> Speaker A: So are you just going to Christmas magic?
56:36
We don't have a chimney. Do you just, like.
56:39
What do you do? Do you just like Mary Poppins? It?
56:42
>> Speaker B: Are you asking if I fly in on an umbrella?
56:45
Yeah. Did you see me come in with an umbrella?
56:47
>> Speaker A: I didn't see you come in. You banged on the door. I was talking.
56:49
>> Speaker B: I politely knocked on
56:52
the door.
56:54
>> Speaker A: Yes.
56:54
>> Speaker B: I did not barge.
56:56
>> Speaker A: That's true.
56:56
>> Speaker B: I waited until you told me to come in, and then I
56:59
entered.
56:59
>> Speaker A: That is true. you're a lot nicer than your husband.
57:02
>> Speaker B: Yeah, that can usually be true about a lot of wives.
57:05
>> Speaker A: Yeah. Santa's kind of a crotchety old man, from what I
57:08
can tell. Like, he was pretty mad about nothing.
57:11
>> Speaker B: I don't think it was nothing. Young man.
57:13
>> Speaker A: It's done, though. It's two years ago. We live and learn. Like,
57:16
the mushroom debacle is probably nothing,
57:19
and I'm sure I'll never go home.
57:21
>> Speaker B: And have to deal with reindeer puking all over my
57:24
yard. How do you know?
57:26
>> Speaker A: Because I think the mushrooms just make them think they can
57:29
fly, which is.
57:30
>> Speaker B: Fun, because they can fly, right?
57:33
But they're going to fly into the side of the
57:36
stable, and if I go home and have a broken
57:38
window. Young man, have you ever met toodles?
57:41
>> Speaker A: The tooting reindeer?
57:43
>> Speaker B: Yes, he's very sweet. He's related to
57:46
Rudolph.
57:46
>> Speaker A: Yeah, he's better than Rudolph.
57:50
Let me rank the reindeer. Let me just say there's,
57:53
like, 15 of them. I couldn't tell you. There's,
57:56
like, as many reindeers. There are snow White's dwarf
57:58
men. has Santa ever thought about having dwarf men pull
58:01
his sleigh?
58:04
>> Speaker B: No.
58:05
>> Speaker A: I think it'd be a better move. Could you imagine
58:08
these, like, little stubby people landing
58:11
on your.
58:12
>> Speaker B: I think you're entering into some very bad
58:14
territory. That's fair. I think I'm going
58:17
to have you stop before your wife finds out about it.
58:20
>> Speaker A: That's fair. Well, we might as well go ahead and end the
58:23
show. Mrs. Claus, thank you for being here.
58:26
>> Speaker B: well, you didn't really have much choice.
58:28
>> Speaker A: Yeah. Did you feel like you
58:31
aired what you needed to air?
58:33
>> Speaker B: For now?
58:34
>> Speaker A: Okay.
58:34
well, this has been another episode of
58:37
Privy. thank you for being here.
58:39
>> Speaker B: You're welcome. I hope you enjoyed your Christmas magic
58:42
hot chocolate?
58:43
>> Speaker A: I did. I will confess I didn't drink it fast
58:46
enough, so I'm going to probably nuke it. Does the Christmas magic
58:49
make it non microwavable?
58:51
>> Speaker B: It should be fine as long as you don't over microwave it.
58:54
>> Speaker A: Yeah, I don't do that. What are
58:56
you insinuating that over microwave things? It's not
58:59
me. this has been another episode of Privy.
59:02
Thank you so much for joining us, as always, you can
59:05
find us online. Privycast.
59:07
Privycast@gmail.com. Thanks to Kevin and Pottington
59:10
for the use of their music this week. Thank you, Mrs. Claus,
59:13
for joining the show at, ah, a moment's
59:16
notice and we'll get to that top ten
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Christmas treats list another time. This has been
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another episode of Privy. Keep hooping in the free world. Own your
59:24
stank. And now, as always,
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don't forget to flash.