Latest / MIDDLE GROUND - Real Conversations on Faith, Identity & Becoming — Through Brynne's LDS Lens of Curiosity, Love and Doubt / Trusting Myself Over Outside Voices: General Conference, the CES Letter & Finding My Beliefs - A Personal Reflection
Transcript
- Brynne Erickson (01:07) Today is Easter Sunday and it happens to be the Spring General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And I have not sat and actively watched or really listened to General Conference, wow, for about two sessions now, maybe a little bit longer. Some of that has to do with the ages of my children. It makes it complicated and but this time was a little different. just didn't want to hear more prescription, meaning people telling me what I should think or do. At least that's kind of how I felt today. Does that mean everything I hear and see I have to take upon myself and need to abide by. No, it doesn't. I just kind of didn't want to do the mental gymnastics this weekend of sifting through what resonated with me and what didn't. And so I didn't. And I'm excited to hear what insights people took from the messages. And if any peak my interest, will. definitely read them later and listen to them. And that's great, but it was really nice to be in a space where I just didn't give myself that pressure and my husband didn't say anything and he listened to some of it as well. And I loved that. Cause in the past I felt like I'm the one that's trying to encourage everyone to listen and participate. And then sometimes feeling resentful that I'm doing more work to make it happen. And that wasn't. the case today. And I've been thinking a lot about rules, ⁓ perspective, social media influences that a lot, right? We listen to media. people at work, radio if you still listen to the radio, podcasts, all of these outside voices that are opinions and perspective and some are stronger and louder than others. And... I am really trying to trust myself. In fact, I was talking to my aunt today and we were talking about grace and how she's really trying to embody grace every day and what that is looking like for her and it's looking like allowing other people to think and believe and not having to combat that. But ⁓ taking more time and effort to... focus on who she wants to be and how she wants to show up in the world rather than trying to change people's minds. I really liked that. I still get in modes of frustration and fear and somewhat combativeness. And I don't love being in that space. but it takes time when you realize that you don't believe or think or feel in a way that you used to. It takes time to create new beliefs and foundation and evaluate your values. and what matters to you, the kind of person you wanna be. And that's the journey that I am on. And it is getting easier to have more confidence in my new beliefs and perspective, but it's taking time. And it is interesting when moments of frustration flare up. I'm learning and realizing that I get the most frustrated when a thought or perspective comes up that I don't agree with, but I also haven't formulated what I do believe. Like I just know that I don't believe that idea or that concept anymore, but I haven't replaced it with something new. And I like that awareness because then it's like, that's an area that I could address at some point. And sometimes I go home and I'll journal about it or pray about it. And other times I just take it as awareness and that's enough for the day. But there is a common theme there ⁓ with frustration. Emotions are so fascinating. They're just information. They're beautiful information that something matters to us. That something is going on, that there's work to be done in this area. And we get to decide how we go about handling those emotions, addressing them and nurturing them, taking care of them. It has never served me to suppress emotions, but to give them space and attention. And I'm grateful for that, what I'm learning about emotions. And... I did something interesting today. I've kind of been in this space that I feel like I need to have more information so that I can prove why I think what I think and what I believe what I believe. So I was like, okay, I need to read up. I need to read rough stone rolling. I need to finish the Saints series. And I need to finish the CES letter. And so, believe it or not, during conference today, I started reading the CES letter, which happens to be an anti-mormon piece of literature. ⁓ And I started from the beginning again. Last time I read it, I was in the thick of confusion and doubt and big questions, and it was actually a really eye-opening experience. And... ⁓ I just decided to, now I'm more confident in where I'm at and I wanted to read it again so I started reading it again but I got sidetracked in other things and I do like what I read and the questions that it prompted and the thoughts that I had. It kind of helped me sort out some thoughts on scripture. was reading just the first section about scripture and the Book of Mormon and all that good stuff and the translation of it and the history of it, the legitimacy of it. And I love it. didn't ruffle my feathers this time like it did last time. And speaking about emotions, so last time I read it, I was so overwhelmed with doubt and fear that it... truly felt debilitating. ⁓ I had read the parts that explained the legitimacy of the Book of Mormon and I could see how that could be true and how maybe it was all fake and maybe Joseph Smith lied about how he got it and translated it and ⁓ all these new things that I had heard of but never considered. myself and it was incredibly overwhelming to the point that I felt dark and heavy the way that I was taught my religion that Satan was influencing me and I had some friends I could reach out to and I hung out with them for a little bit and they helped pull me out of that state and then I was okay and I prayed and really just honed in on ⁓ love and light and I have now concluded after learning some things of psychology and emotions that it was I was not experiencing being acted upon by an external force but my emotions my brain We're trying to protect me in this moment of uncertainty and confusion and new newness, really. just our brains like simplicity. They try to protect us and keep us small and aware of any threats around us and when you experience doubt that's a threat and that's what I was experiencing and it was not fun but now that I know what I know and I have had I've had thoughts about Satan for quite a while now I don't love the idea of being acted upon by an external force And you're probably thinking, well, Bren, if there's no Satan, then there's probably no God. Like, you have to have opposites, right? Or at least no Holy Ghost. You have to have the influence of both. And if you don't believe in being acted upon, then there can't be either. I've thought about all that, okay? And I don't believe it has to be an all or nothing thing. ⁓ I do believe in divinity. I wonder how much of it is already within us versus an external source that we that we glean power from. I think it's more already within us. ⁓ If we are acted upon by a negative ⁓ force, I think it's less often than we think. If that's a real thing, I do believe in the collective. like universal ⁓ energy and power that everyone can just tap into and we're doing it all the time. Like the law of manifestation or excuse me, law of attraction. ⁓ I believe in that. I believe that we are all a part of each other's attraction. that while I am trying to call into my life and create my life to be, other people contribute to whether they're aware of it or not for good and for bad. Like people get hung up on law of attraction because they're like, I didn't attract abuse into my life. And it's like, you're right, you didn't, but your abuser did. And you we're... the victim of their attraction. And that's where that power can be used for good or for bad to do incredible help and light and bring that into this world or darkness and harm. And we are all, we're all a part of it, whether you want to be a part of it or not. So I am trying to be as proactive and intentional in creating my life. and aware and listening to my emotions and thoughts wherever those thoughts come from whether it is some sort of special knowing or an external power of spirit or Holy Ghost I don't know but I am learning that sifting out where the thought came from isn't necessarily that other than how it feels and making sense of it and meditating on it and praying about it and that is making all the difference. In fact, I had to give a lesson for the young many young women group of 40 kids in my ward and they wanted to talk about how to have the light of Christ with you all the time have the Holy Ghost with you And I had this thought that was important. So often we talk about the fruits of the spirit being positive emotions, right? Love, charity, kindness. I can't remember the scripture about the fruits of the spirit, but all of the more desirable emotions. And then I had this thought of when you're in a group of people and you feel icky and you feel heavy and like you shouldn't be doing something. Isn't it interesting that we get promptings of negative feelings that help us to act in a positive way? Isn't that a little contradictory? So I brought that up to the kids and I was like, you know, and I was very honest. I was like, I don't know necessarily how the spirit works, but I do know that we receive thoughts and it's important to pay attention to those thoughts. and those feelings. And I'm working on that. And meditation has been incredibly helpful. And I just kind of rambled about lots of random things today, but a lot of things have been in my mind, all of these things. And I'm gonna think more about my aunt's advice in focusing more on what I do want to believe and less on what I don't and like having to prove, you know, what I was talking about, proving why I think and what I believe. And I would encourage you to do the same, especially if you found yourself in a new place, trying to sort through your beliefs, your identity. and a space at the middle. The person you were is no longer serving you and you're not quite sure who you're becoming or where you're headed, but this is a sacred space and it can be a beautiful and empowering journey. think that's the whole point. It is, we're here to grow. We're here to experience. We're here to support each other and I am totally cheering you on, sending you strength and love and confidence and honesty and the direction that you seek. And I hope you recognize it when you find it. You got this. Make it a great one.