Latest / RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way / The Long-Term Costs Of Conflict Avoidance

Transcript

The Long-Term Costs Of Conflict Avoidance · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Hi there and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening, when you've chosen to tune in, I just want to say thank you.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for taking that time out of your day to spend with me.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: And today I would like to tackle the topic of conflict avoidance.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Conflict itself is a natural part of life, whether we are in disagreements with family members, friends, people at work.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's just that type of tension is common.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: However, for many of us, conflict avoidance actually becomes a deeply ingrained survival mechanism.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: For individuals who may have grown up in households where conflict was not just commonplace, but potentially toxic or unpredictable, or in relationships where there was a lack of emotional safety due to conflict, many times people will start to avoid that confrontation because they are simply trying to survive.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: It seems like it's the only safe option.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: And while in the short term it does help maintain that sense of peace or that sense of safety, that both things are actually very short-lived.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Because when we avoid that conflict or avoid that confrontation, while it momentarily disappears, it's almost like you're sweeping it under the rug.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually all of that is going to pile up and you're no longer going to be able to avoid it.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: You will eventually stumble upon it.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: And so when we think about how we're using this as a survival mechanism, oftentimes we teach ourselves to be compliant and to quote unquote keep the peace, right?
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: So when when you really boil it down, our brains are wired for self-preservation.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: Our brains are wired for survival.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you feel like you are going to be unsafe, it makes sense that you're going to avoid the thing that could hurt you.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Again, though, when we do this for a long period of time and we avoid, avoid, avoid, it does become a habit.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: But eventually there comes a point in time where we have to address it.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: We can no longer stay silent.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you do that for an extended period of time, you are self-sacrificing, you are losing the sound of your own voice, and you're actually losing track of what it is that you really need and you start losing your sense of self.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: So when we think about what are the long-term costs of this compliance, it might seem again, it might seem easier to go along with it.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: It might seem easier to keep the peace, to avoid whatever verbal attack you might have if you were to address the conflict.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: But when you when you do that for a long period of time, you start to lose that sense of self.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: You start to lose the ideas of what it is that you actually need, you lose a connection to what's valuable and valued to you.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: And you start putting that other person's needs in front of your own to a place where you actually don't know yourself on that deep level.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so when we think about uh just conflict, it's recognizing that even if it's really uncomfortable, if we don't address it, if we don't actually deal with the conflict in the moment, what we're really doing is costing our own mental and emotional health because that stress of constantly suppressing what those true feelings are or what your true needs are will eventually start to manifest as either anxiety, depression.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: You might start to notice physical health issues because your bind, your body and mind are intertwined.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so when you when you start recognizing the patterns, right, and you start recognizing that you are continually avoiding conflict, it's not that you go to the other end of the spectrum and start seeking out conflict and start yelling about everything, but it's to recognize where you are intentionally silencing your voice because there's that urge to avoid the conflict.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: There's that urge to keep the peace, there's that urge to um avoid directly talking to somebody because there's a fear.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: And it's starting to practice small acts of assertiveness.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: So let me be clear: this doesn't mean we start being becoming aggressive and yelling about things, but it's starting to use your voice in an assertive manner, starting to express what those needs and boundaries are.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: And it is true that the person who has been potentially ignoring what your needs are, or the person who might be toxic in this dynamic will have a response to that.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: And it may not feel good in the moment.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: However, if you don't start asserting that voice of yours, if you don't uh start taking ownership and agency of what it is that you need and want, nothing changes.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: And so by using that voice and saying and addressing the thing that you're needing, we do open an opportunity to have a dialogue.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: And it is possible that that person had no idea what was bothering you.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: And you guys can work through it.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Conversely, if it's somebody who's not willing to have that dialogue, it is more important for your own long-term well-being that you start to address that that relationship may not be one that is beneficial to you.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to reiterate that while the short-term gain from conflict avoidance can be comfort and can feel okay, the long-term costs can be really detrimental.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: If you are feeling like you need to talk to somebody and potentially work through what could be holding you back from actually becoming assertive and owning your voice, coaching could be an option for you.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I invite you to reach out to me anytime at coachwithcomedy.com.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: And until next time, stay well.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: Or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: Username It's Authentic Me.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening.