Latest / Marriage Life and More and Bible Study / The Growing Presence of Sexless Marriages Pt 2 (Marriage Reset Series) - 287

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The Growing Presence of Sexless Marriages Pt 2 (Marriage Reset Series) - 287 · Marriage Life and More and Bible Study

• 0:05
  Daniel Moore: Filed away in the filing drawer is a topic that many couples quietly wonder about but rarely admit out loud.
• 0:11
  Daniel Moore: The sexless marriage.
• 0:13
  Daniel Moore: Think of your intimacy like a luxury sports car.
• 0:16
  Daniel Moore: It looks great, it's built for performance, and the manufacturer definitely intended it to move.
• 0:22
  Daniel Moore: But park that thing in the garage for months or years and suddenly it's coughing, sputtering, and refusing to start.
• 0:29
  Daniel Moore: And just like you wouldn't stand in your driveway yelling at your dead engine screaming, try harder, you also can't fix a quiet bedroom by guilt, pressure, or awkward calendar reminders.
• 0:40
  Daniel Moore: Avoidance turns into habit, resentment builds under the hood, and before you know it, you're emotionally jumpstarting your marriage with jumper cables that aren't in the owner's manual.
• 0:50
  Daniel Moore: But here's the good news intimacy doesn't have to stay stalled out.
• 0:54
  Daniel Moore: Even if things feel rusted, complicated, or a little embarrassing, God designed marriage with the capacity for restoration, reconnection, and yes, joy.
• 1:04
  Daniel Moore: The fact that sexless marriage is Googled more than unhappy marriage or loveless marriage, that shows just how many couples are quietly wrestling with this problem.
• 1:14
  Daniel Moore: So today, we're popping the hood, checking the engine light, and helping you understand not just how often couples should be intimate, but how to rebuild closeness from the inside out.
• 1:24
  Daniel Moore: And don't worry, we promise no shame, no blame, and no uncomfortable jars to bring back to Bible study, just real talk, real hope, and practical insight for reigniting connection where it's grown dim.
• 1:37
  Daniel Moore: Welcome to Marriage Life and More.
• 1:45
  Daniel Moore: This is a podcast about marriage, Bible, and book studies.
• 1:48
  Daniel Moore: We interview people that have inspiring stories.
• 1:50
  Daniel Moore: I'm Daniel Moore, your host.
• 1:52
  Daniel Moore: Thank you guys for joining us this week.
• 1:53
  Daniel Moore: Over here next to me is my beautiful co-host, my wife Michelle.
• 1:56
  Daniel Moore: Hey, hey.
• 1:57
  Daniel Moore: Want to thank you guys for joining us this week.
• 1:59
  Daniel Moore: If not familiar with our show, check out our website at marriagelifeandmore.com for our platforms.
• 2:04
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• 2:08
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• 2:11
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• 2:15
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• 2:17
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• 2:22
  Daniel Moore: And we thank you in advance for doing that.
• 2:25
  Daniel Moore: Also, our two new books are out Marriage is a Mission, Living Out God's Design for Marriage.
• 2:30
  Daniel Moore: And then there's a 42-day devotional, 42 days to a stronger marriage, a Christ centered devotional for couples.
• 2:36
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• 2:40
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• 2:45
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• 2:48
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• 2:56
  Daniel Moore: It just kind of helps keep us going.
• 2:58
  Daniel Moore: And uh we pray that those books will be a blessing to you.
• 3:02
  Daniel Moore: Well, this week uh we just want to uh say that we hope that you guys had a Merry Christmas.
• 3:07
  Daniel Moore: Uh Michelle and I did.
• 3:09
  Daniel Moore: We had family in for a couple of weeks, got to see our little granddaughter.
• 3:13
  Daniel Moore: Um, she's a little sweetie, got to see the rest of our grandkids as well.
• 3:16
  Daniel Moore: It was just an awesome time.
• 3:18
  Daniel Moore: And so hope you guys had a great Christmas and looking forward to the new year.
• 3:22
  Daniel Moore: Um, as we're up on that now, and we pray that you guys have some good plans for this upcoming year and to make things better, maybe in some areas that it's not been so great in the past, or uh maybe things have been really good, and you're just looking to have an even better year.
• 3:37
  Daniel Moore: So we just pray God's blessings over you for that.
• 3:40
  Daniel Moore: Well, because of Christmas, we skipped last week and done us just a special little story episode that Michelle and I put together for you, and we took a break from our episode that we were in on sexless marriages.
• 3:52
  Daniel Moore: Well, this week we're gonna get back into that as we're going to be getting back into sexless marriage on our marriage reset series as we do part two.
• 4:01
  Daniel Moore: The lack of sexual intimacy in marriage affects not only the relationship as a whole, but also each partner individually.
• 4:19
  Daniel Moore: Society has long perpetuated the stereotype that men are always eager for sex, while women are the ones more likely to say that they're too tired or have a sudden headache by bedtime.
• 4:31
  Daniel Moore: We've absorbed the idea that male desire is constant and overwhelming, and that a real man would never turn down sex unless something catastrophic is happening.
• 4:41
  Daniel Moore: While this may ring true for many couples, it's far from universal.
• 4:46
  Daniel Moore: In roughly one out of every five marriages, it's actually the wife who has a stronger sex drive.
• 4:51
  Daniel Moore: A USA Today survey revealed that 20 to 30% of men report having little or no sexual desire.
• 4:58
  Daniel Moore: Factors that influence a man's libido are varied and complex and often unrelated to his relationship.
• 5:05
  Daniel Moore: Things like low testosterone levels, chronic stress, an unhealthy diet, gaining weight, sleep deprivation, mental health struggles, alcohol or drug abuse, medication side effects, too much screen time or even overuse of pornography can all decrease sexual interest.
• 5:25
  Daniel Moore: But because of the cultural narrative that we've learned that a man should always want sex, many women feel confused or rejected when their husband isn't interested in intimacy.
• 5:35
  Daniel Moore: When he turns her down or rarely initiates, a woman often starts to worry.
• 5:41
  Daniel Moore: Is he distracted by pornography?
• 5:43
  Daniel Moore: Is he cheating?
• 5:44
  Daniel Moore: Does he maybe have a hidden secret like being gay?
• 5:48
  Daniel Moore: These questions often arise because it's easier to believe the problem lies within him.
• 5:54
  Daniel Moore: But if there's no outside issue, the fear becomes much more personal.
• 5:59
  Daniel Moore: Wives often internalize their husband's disinterest, interpreting it as a sign that they aren't attractive or desirable enough.
• 6:08
  Daniel Moore: In today's culture, where male desire is often glorified, many women assume that they must be lacking something, not slim enough, sexy enough, or exciting enough.
• 6:19
  Daniel Moore: One wife put it this way Being denied sex by a spouse is one of the most painful and humiliating experiences one can endure.
• 6:27
  Daniel Moore: The physical withdrawal alone is torture, but worse is the emotional trauma of feeling that the person you have sworn to love all your life would turn his back on you.
• 6:37
  Daniel Moore: He might as well drive a stake through your heart with a note on it, I don't love you, I don't want you, I don't need you.
• 6:44
  Daniel Moore: So as we get started here this week, um, it already is starting to deal with some things that as far as culture is concerned, a lot of beliefs that are always impacted into people's thoughts and to the ways that they look at sex and that kind of thing.
• 7:01
  Daniel Moore: And as I'm reading, you know, sharing all of this here at the beginning, I remember, and I know that I've mentioned this a few times, and you've always uh been kind of surprised at at this when I talk about it, but this is kind of a guy thing, like uh like the um at school in the locker room type talk, that kind of thing.
• 7:20
  Daniel Moore: But it's always been an ongoing joke in the middle in between men that we do have a big sex drive, that that's just all we think about.
• 7:31
  Daniel Moore: That's always what's on our brain.
• 7:33
  Daniel Moore: Um, that you know everything that we do and when we talk about girlfriends, especially if you're not married yet, talking about girlfriends and that kind of thing, um, it seems like a lot of times the jokes will will get kind of sexual and the ribs and all that kind of thing.
• 7:50
  Daniel Moore: Uh, you know, I remember when I was dating a lot of times and my friends were dating.
• 7:55
  Daniel Moore: You know, some of the jokes that we'd have between us is, although this wasn't supposed to be something that you're doing uh when you're not married, but you know, we'd always tease them, but you get some or just all this kind of stuff, you know, there's just a lot of that kind of talk that goes on.
• 8:09
  Daniel Moore: And I know with you, you said that you don't really ever remember hearing conversation like that as much uh within the the girls, and but I think that's probably because when when it comes to looking at relationships, what is probably more important to girls when you guys like when you were in the dating scene and all your like high school um times or whatever, what when you had girlfriends that had boyfriends and that kind of thing, what did you guys really talk about more as far as the boyfriend relationships of your friends um versus because I know with the guys, a lot of times our talk would get to kind of some some naughty stuff that we shouldn't be talking about.
• 8:47
  Daniel Moore: But do you remember anything like how the girls came at that?
• 8:52
  Michelle Moore: I don't know that we really I mean my friends and I, I mean, we talked about you know our relationships and we talked about more personal stuff, like as in, you know, how's he treating you, you know, what's a love note say, you know, stuff like that.
• 9:07
  Michelle Moore: Because back then it was you wrote love notes, right, you know, and you passed letters and stuff like that.
• 9:12
  Michelle Moore: We would talk about those things.
• 9:14
  Michelle Moore: And you know, we may talk about, oh, did he kiss you?
• 9:17
  Michelle Moore: You know, was he a good kisser?
• 9:18
  Michelle Moore: But it wasn't like what you guys talked about.
• 9:23
  Daniel Moore: And so the point with that, the reason I was kind of bringing that up is you know, when you as we shared this stuff here, these statistics and these things that are going on, uh, it is surprising that after marriage actually happens and life begins and you start having that interaction between a husband and a wife, how a lot of times the the locker room joking didn't really carry over into real life.
• 9:49
  Daniel Moore: You know?
• 9:50
  Daniel Moore: And I think that culture, especially especially since from the beginning of time, we know that pornography first came out really geared towards men.
• 10:01
  Daniel Moore: They were really targeting men with pornography.
• 10:05
  Daniel Moore: And a lot of that's because men are very visual in the way that we think, the way that we uh comprehend things, and you know, when we work our way through situations and problems or relationships, whatever it may be, we're very visual in a lot of that.
• 10:21
  Daniel Moore: And so pornography was a perfect thing for Satan to throw out there and try to trip up guys, and that's what he did.
• 10:29
  Daniel Moore: And so because of that, and then it became so rampant and it started growing, you started seeing, you know, it started with Playboy, then there's all these other companies start putting out, you know, worse and worse stuff that you could look at because the guys were just taking this in like crazy.
• 10:46
  Daniel Moore: And of course, nowadays we know that it's kind of flipped the script a little bit.
• 10:49
  Daniel Moore: The women are having just as much issue with that, also.
• 10:52
  Daniel Moore: But as we were sharing here, and we got towards there towards the end of what I was sharing, was talking there about what the the one woman said.
• 11:02
  Daniel Moore: Now, whenever it comes to married couples, so from your your aspect of it, your side of it, when we went through times in our marriage that we had issues with the the sex part and all that kind of thing, did that make you feel some of the ways that this woman here mentioned uh when she was saying that I don't love you, I don't want you, I don't need you, that drove a stake through your heart.
• 11:34
  Daniel Moore: Um did it make you wonder questions about things that I was doing?
• 11:38
  Daniel Moore: Um, how did you kind of perceive that?
• 11:41
  Daniel Moore: Because we did go through that, which I know some of ours ended up too in the long run, ended up because of our relationship was falling apart, basically.
• 11:49
  Daniel Moore: But when that all first started, how did you feel about that?
• 11:54
  Michelle Moore: I mean, I would say that too.
• 11:55
  Michelle Moore: I mean, it it crossed my mind that the fact is, did you have somebody else, you know?
• 12:00
  Michelle Moore: Um I don't really I mean, honestly, I don't really remember on that part, but I mean I I do recall the fact that, you know, I did question the fact that, you know, did you have somebody else were you pouring into somebody else besides me?
• 12:20
  Daniel Moore: How did that affect your personal view of yourself?
• 12:25
  Michelle Moore: That I wasn't good enough.
• 12:26
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 12:26
  Daniel Moore: That really pounded on your self-security.
• 12:30
  Michelle Moore: And I already had an issue with that to begin with.
• 12:33
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 12:33
  Daniel Moore: So that just kind of made it worse.
• 12:36
  Michelle Moore: So we know though that with our Did you ask me that from the very beginning?
• 12:41
  Daniel Moore: Huh?
• 12:42
  Michelle Moore: Did you ask me that from the very beginning?
• 12:44
  Daniel Moore: What?
• 12:45
  Michelle Moore: That question.
• 12:45
  Daniel Moore: No.
• 12:46
  Michelle Moore: Okay.
• 12:46
  Michelle Moore: I'm sorry.
• 12:48
  Michelle Moore: I'm just like all over the place today, guys.
• 12:50
  Michelle Moore: I I do apologize.
• 12:52
  Michelle Moore: And hopefully he won't take this part out because it lets you know we're human.
• 12:56
  Michelle Moore: And I'm like, my brain is not thinking today.
• 12:59
  Michelle Moore: So I apologize if I'm, you know, when I ask him a question and I'm like looking at him like, what are you talking about?
• 13:06
  Michelle Moore: So I haven't got my coffee in me yet this morning.
• 13:09
  Michelle Moore: So sorry.
• 13:10
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, and we do not rehearse these questions before we record.
• 13:13
  Michelle Moore: No, and I'm it's it's been a long week with kids all here and everything else.
• 13:18
  Michelle Moore: So I do apologize.
• 13:19
  Michelle Moore: I thought maybe he asked me that question and then I didn't answer it and he came back around.
• 13:24
  Michelle Moore: So Yeah.
• 13:26
  Daniel Moore: No, I I hadn't asked you that one yet, but see, we're human.
• 13:29
  Daniel Moore: So yeah.
• 13:29
  Daniel Moore: But as we look though at like our relationship, you know, we we ended up finally, as it came down to it, we did start having a separation in our relationship where, you know, any of you that's listened to episode 199 and listened to our testimony and everything, you know that we almost got divorced.
• 13:48
  Daniel Moore: So when all of that started happening, that's obviously something one of the first things that's going to go out the door is the sexual intimacy because you're trying if the interest in the relationship isn't there anymore, and you're looking towards separating off and going your separate directions, then the first thing that usually happens with a couple that does that is they want to break that intimate relationship that they have, because that keeps kind of keeps you glued together to an extent.
• 14:16
  Daniel Moore: And so, uh, but I do like though how it did say here a lot of times whenever this starts happening, uh, it isn't really because of the relationship.
• 14:27
  Daniel Moore: You know, guys do go through a lot of things that happens through life and where things change, and it does create issues.
• 14:36
  Daniel Moore: And as I was looking at that list, you know, obviously as men get older, our t testosterone levels do drop.
• 14:44
  Daniel Moore: And sometimes men have to get medicated for that.
• 14:46
  Daniel Moore: Uh, that's just a natural thing that happens as we age.
• 14:50
  Daniel Moore: Uh, chronic stress is a big one.
• 14:52
  Daniel Moore: I think even you, if you have stress in your life, that's probably one of the last things you're gonna think about wanting to have that type of intimacy between the two of us because that stress is just constantly there, you know, and it's it's that's what's on your mind the whole time.
• 15:08
  Daniel Moore: Uh then of course you've got unhealthy diet gaining weight.
• 15:11
  Daniel Moore: Um, that's actually affected me a few times.
• 15:14
  Daniel Moore: And same.
• 15:15
  Daniel Moore: I I fight my weight, and I do know how I feel when I fight my weight, and you feel exhausted.
• 15:23
  Daniel Moore: You just feel like you just want to sit down in a chair and just do nothing.
• 15:27
  Daniel Moore: You know, it's like last thing you think about is exerting energy.
• 15:30
  Daniel Moore: Uh, there's sleep deprivation.
• 15:32
  Daniel Moore: I don't usually have a problem with that one, but if I do have a just a little bit of sleep, it can affect me because I do need my sleep.
• 15:40
  Daniel Moore: Uh, mental health struggles, alcohol and drug abuse, uh, medication can have a side effect of that.
• 15:46
  Daniel Moore: And I think you've experienced that with some of the medications you've had to take.
• 15:50
  Daniel Moore: Um, you know, and of course, pornography is a big one.
• 15:53
  Daniel Moore: Anytime pornography gets introduced, that almost becomes a replacement if that becomes an addiction.
• 15:59
  Daniel Moore: Uh, because once you get hooked on the pornography, your marriage sex life will never add up to what you're gonna see in video, even though it's not a physical relationship.
• 16:09
  Daniel Moore: It's a mind game at that point.
• 16:11
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, and so that's why you always have to stay away from pornography.
• 16:16
  Daniel Moore: So there's a lot of different reasons, you know, that this may happen.
• 16:20
  Daniel Moore: And so I think it's good to bring that up because I think one of the worst things that you can do as a spouse is if one of the spouses in the relationship um has a tendency to all of a sudden seem like they're being distant, and all of a sudden they're not really seeming to be interested anymore.
• 16:38
  Daniel Moore: Uh, I think probably, especially if it's the husband that's starting to distance himself, I know probably one of the first things the wife is going to want to do is attack herself.
• 16:48
  Daniel Moore: She's gonna want to think, well, I just he's losing interest in me.
• 16:50
  Daniel Moore: I'm just not pretty enough, all these things that we mentioned earlier.
• 16:54
  Daniel Moore: And then you may attack the other spouse with those notions of what you think is going on, but it may not be really what's going on.
• 17:05
  Daniel Moore: You know, it may not be that the husband is disinterested anymore.
• 17:08
  Daniel Moore: Maybe he is fighting some stress, maybe he is having a weight issue right at the moment that's really affecting his health and you know, causing him to not have uh where he needs to be in the relationship.
• 17:20
  Daniel Moore: So I think it's very important when you come into these situations where it seems like the sex has dropped off and one of the spouses still has a pretty good drive going, and the other one all of a sudden seems like they're sliding away from you.
• 17:35
  Daniel Moore: Uh, I would, in my own mind, I would think that you you don't want to attack that person over what's going on.
• 17:41
  Daniel Moore: I think that that's where communication needs to be.
• 17:44
  Michelle Moore: Actually, that's what I was getting ready to say.
• 17:45
  Michelle Moore: You need to communicate, you need to talk about what's going on so that the other spouse knows, yeah, you know, that it's not them and that you're fighting that battle.
• 17:55
  Michelle Moore: And, you know, as the other spouse that knows it, whatever it may be, whether it's weight, mental, or whatever, that spouse can pray or help you at the same time.
• 18:05
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 18:05
  Michelle Moore: You know, they're there to be a part of you, to help you guide you, and you know, walk along side of you.
• 18:12
  Michelle Moore: And I think that's very, very important is communication when you're going through that.
• 18:16
  Michelle Moore: And I mean, we talk about it now.
• 18:18
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 18:19
  Michelle Moore: Like, you know, that's one of the biggest things.
• 18:21
  Michelle Moore: It's like, you know, it's like I I had a rough day or I'm stressed out and it's been a crazy week, you know.
• 18:28
  Michelle Moore: We talk about it.
• 18:29
  Michelle Moore: I mean, that doesn't mean that spontaneous, you know, if we have that spontaneous sex, it it's not like that, but you know, and we don't schedule it, you know, that's not it.
• 18:39
  Michelle Moore: But I know if you're having a crazy busy week and you're not mentally ready, I know I'm walking into something that you're not gonna want.
• 18:48
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 18:49
  Daniel Moore: It'll just be going through emotion at that point.
• 18:51
  Michelle Moore: And I don't want to.
• 18:52
  Daniel Moore: If it even is able to happen.
• 18:53
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 18:54
  Michelle Moore: So that's a thing I feel like where communication does come in, and and you know, you have to communicate.
• 19:00
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 19:00
  Daniel Moore: And it's a good time to probably talk about this a little bit too.
• 19:03
  Daniel Moore: We did an episode on it, but you've had a lot of surgeries and different things that's happened to you in your body that has totally reconstructed the intimacy levels that you have and the sex drive that you have.
• 19:16
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 19:17
  Daniel Moore: And you have t had to do a total reconstruct on how you approach any of that at this point.
• 19:24
  Daniel Moore: And even to this day, you still battle it, correct?
• 19:27
  Daniel Moore: Yep.
• 19:28
  Daniel Moore: I do.
• 19:28
  Daniel Moore: I mean, it's it's just one of those things that when certain organs are taken out of women or you know, certain types of surgeries take place, it kills that sex drive and it creates a huge issue.
• 19:40
  Michelle Moore: Yeah, and then when you can't take hormones because if your body stops producing 'em and you can't take anything because of s other issues that you have, it it it totally knocks everything out.
• 19:52
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 19:52
  Michelle Moore: And so it it is definitely I mean, I've God's really had to work on me to help me.
• 19:59
  Michelle Moore: really get through mentally through our walk through of not being able to have sex, I guess is what I want to say.
• 20:08
  Michelle Moore: It's probably TMI, but it it it really has been because and it he has been for you too because you know when you're used to doing something anytime you want you know and then all of a sudden it comes to a screeching halt and it can go on for years.
• 20:23
  Michelle Moore: It really can mess with mess with you mentally, not just you but your spouse.
• 20:28
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 20:28
  Michelle Moore: You know, and that that's something hard to walk through, navigate.
• 20:33
  Daniel Moore: And we just want to be open with it because we know other people of you out there that are listening are probably going through something like that.
• 20:40
  Daniel Moore: And it's it's not a hopeless cause.
• 20:43
  Michelle Moore: No.
• 20:44
  Daniel Moore: There is hope.
• 20:44
  Daniel Moore: God can help you through all of those things.
• 20:46
  Daniel Moore: He he gives a grace um that you just don't know exists until you have to put it into action.
• 20:53
  Daniel Moore: You know um but he does have a grace there that he can offer between both couples on both sides.
• 21:00
  Daniel Moore: And I think the biggest advice that I could give probably to that is don't give up.
• 21:05
  Daniel Moore: Because you know everything that you've ever worked and strove for everything that you fought for in your marriage from day one, uh you can let things like this completely send you in reverse and can undo all of the good things that's ever happened in your marriage if you're not careful.
• 21:23
  Daniel Moore: And that's not what it's all about.
• 21:25
  Michelle Moore: No marriage isn't about that.
• 21:27
  Daniel Moore: It's not you know it came with perks and that's great and God wants us to enjoy all of that so God can help us through that.
• 21:35
  Daniel Moore: Even when the times are rough and things just aren't working like they like we would like for them to be there is ways to work and navigate around all of that.
• 21:44
  Daniel Moore: And so we always we just want to encourage you now Michelle and I we've worked through this on our own although I do know that there's Christian counseling and different things out there that you can also utilize if you're having issues and can't seem to get through it as a couple definitely look for some help with all of that because nine times out of ten you can work around that stuff and have workarounds and still have a good flourishing marriage, enjoy each other's time together intimately as well as just in just out in the real world, you know all of that can still happen.
• 22:17
  Michelle Moore: And I want to say this too um you know just because as Dan said, you know it is a perk and you know this has been what seven years going on almost eight years now since I've had all my surgeries.
• 22:31
  Michelle Moore: There's a love that's so deep between the two of us if that's something we couldn't do it wouldn't change anything for us.
• 22:41
  Michelle Moore: And because of that you know I truly love him even more because it's not something that he doesn't he doesn't get mad at me about.
• 22:54
  Michelle Moore: You know our love is so deep it doesn't have to you don't have to have sex.
• 22:59
  Michelle Moore: And I know that medically there are times that there are going to be people that cannot because of medical but if for some reason you can you you can you need to work on that because that is that is a perk and it's it and it's something that your your marriage needs.
• 23:17
  Michelle Moore: Yeah it's a bond.
• 23:18
  Michelle Moore: Yes.
• 23:19
  Michelle Moore: That's just un but if you can't for some unknown reason you know you focus on that marriage you know and give it to God and he'll you know he's done wonders for us.
• 23:31
  Daniel Moore: Yeah he definitely has so there is an episode as well I can't think of what episode number it is off top of my head right now.
• 23:37
  Daniel Moore: But if you go back uh about a year a little over a year ago or so um somewhere in that range when the within this last year um there is an episode on when what happened to her with the surgeries and how we've handled that and it talks a lot about this subject so you can go check that one out as well facing ongoing rejection from a spouse can create a deep sense of insecurity for women and I know you were talking a little bit about that a while ago.
• 24:12
  Daniel Moore: While women certainly want to feel emotionally loved there's also a strong longing to feel attractive desired and cherished by the one person who knows them the best.
• 24:21
  Daniel Moore: Every wife wants to feel that her husband sees her as captivating, that he is drawn not just to her heart but to her body as well.
• 24:29
  Daniel Moore: When those desires are left unmet and her attempts to initiate intimacy are turned away she may start to carry a quiet painful belief he doesn't want me.
• 24:39
  Daniel Moore: This realization can feel isolating and emotionally exposing.
• 24:44
  Daniel Moore: On the other side when a husband's effort to connect sexually are regularly met with disinterest or refusal he can quickly become discouraged and disheartened.
• 24:54
  Daniel Moore: It often feels like his wife is prioritizing everything else the children her job social life or even hobbies ahead of their physical relationship what may feel like fatigue or disinterest in her registers as rejection to him and over time this builds into bitterness and emotional distance I know a lot of cut times I've heard where couples will take sex and use it as a weapon and I honestly can say that that's not a good thing to do.
• 25:24
  Daniel Moore: Michelle and I have done it a time or two in our in our marriage but that's not something that we do anymore.
• 25:31
  Daniel Moore: That was way back when that was way back when and the reason that we say that this should not be taken as a weapon is the the sex part of your marriage is actually the most intimate most connecting thing that you can even do as a couple and whenever if anything is going to start playing mind games with you fast as anything is it's gonna be when you reject a spouse and continually reject a spouse.
• 26:00
  Daniel Moore: I'm not just saying that I know there's going to be times where one's going to be in the mood and the other one's not that's just understandable that's just the way life is but when it becomes a cycle and no matter how many times one spouse comes up and tries to initiate tries to get something going and then the other spouse continually rejects and rejects and rejects you're starting to mess with some some ones in the their mind at that point.
• 26:25
  Daniel Moore: That becomes a mind game and that's also a good place for communication to shut down.
• 26:31
  Daniel Moore: Yeah that's what I was going to read to say a lot of people don't like to talk about their sex problems.
• 26:36
  Daniel Moore: Yeah they really don't because as we get married and we get we come together and we become married we start this life together we always want to just know that we want each other sexually and anytime that you know either one of us is wanting to have that happen, we're gonna be able to come together and both people are going to be okay with it and you're gonna be able to share that together and that one thing you're not sharing with anybody else.
• 27:00
  Daniel Moore: You're gonna share that at that moment.
• 27:02
  Daniel Moore: And that's how we always think of that.
• 27:04
  Daniel Moore: Well whenever all of a sudden we have the brakes put on and all of a sudden it's not happening anymore and we continually get rejected and rejected and rejected and but the other spouse isn't talking about why the rejection's there and if you try to bring it up they don't want to talk about it.
• 27:19
  Daniel Moore: They just want to put it off on I'm tired or all these little excuses that we give we always know there's usually something more to it under the the level than just being I'm tired.
• 27:29
  Daniel Moore: If that is an issue then we probably need to look at medical uh something medically may be going on.
• 27:35
  Daniel Moore: Yeah uh you've got to really you know think a lot of this thing through because I would have to say that probably 60% of the time whenever a spouse gets rejected like that there's probably something emotionally going on in the relationship itself that's had a breakdown.
• 27:50
  Daniel Moore: There's probably something going on where that other spouse is not at that moment wanting to connect with their spouse like they should because of something that's going on in their head.
• 27:59
  Daniel Moore: If the other spouse doesn't know what that is and you can't talk through that you can't fix it.
• 28:04
  Daniel Moore: And so I think that when it's talking about here that you know about the rejection thing and how it affects people I know with women especially it really starts affecting just their how they feel about themselves mentally and physically and everything.
• 28:21
  Daniel Moore: It just starts that issue.
• 28:24
  Daniel Moore: I know with guys, you know, whenever we get rejected like that a lot uh I know the first one of the way one of the first things that I think of is what did I do that made her mad.
• 28:33
  Daniel Moore: You know it's like I start trying to think of all the things that what have I done here in the last month or so that ticked her off so bad, you know?
• 28:40
  Daniel Moore: But it may not be that it may be something completely different.
• 28:43
  Daniel Moore: But if you and I don't talk about it again communication we're not gonna know.
• 28:48
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 28:48
  Daniel Moore: And so always keep that in mind to you know don't ever make it a practice to reject your spouse all the time when it don't let that become a habit.
• 28:58
  Daniel Moore: Right, right.
• 28:59
  Daniel Moore: Do not let that become a habit because later on in life when the kids are all gone and the house is all quiet and there's nobody left but you two um and you've got a lot of years ahead of you I mean you're gonna have a long time there that you're gonna have to uh really enjoy each other and enjoy each other's company and a big part of that is the intimacy intimacy side of things and you don't want to lose sight of that and have to recreate that all over again you know 20 years into your marriage when you should have already had this down and and had it going.
• 29:32
  Daniel Moore: That's good your your relationship you'll be a lot closer and when you hit 20 25 years 30 years the the more that you keep this as a part of your regular marriage cycle you always you draw closer and closer to each other.
• 29:46
  Daniel Moore: So many men internalize their wives' sexual disinterest research by Shanti Feldhahn in her book for Women Only What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men discovered that when a man hears a phrase like not tonight, he often interprets it as I'm not interested interested in you.
• 30:04
  Daniel Moore: It's just what I just said.
• 30:06
  Daniel Moore: This perceived rejection cuts deeper than many wives realize.
• 30:10
  Daniel Moore: At his core a man carries a strong desire to feel wanted by the woman that he loves.
• 30:15
  Daniel Moore: Feldhahn highlights that that this isn't just about physical needs about a man feeling chosen, pursued and affirmed by his wife's desire for him.
• 30:25
  Daniel Moore: Shanti Feldhahn explains this deep desire sex gives them an increasing sense of confidence and well being that carries over into every other area of his life.
• 30:36
  Daniel Moore: The opposite is also true.
• 30:38
  Daniel Moore: When a husband doesn't feel desired by his wife he not only feels his wife is rejecting him physically but that she is somehow rejecting his life as a husband, provider and a man.
• 30:49
  Daniel Moore: As the classic rock band Cheap Trick once sang, I want you to want me, a lyric that echoes a deep but often unspoken longing within many men.
• 30:59
  Daniel Moore: Most husbands don't easily acknowledge this need and some may not even realize it's there but it's a powerful reason why they're energized when their wife initiates intimacy or engages with enthusiasm.
• 31:11
  Daniel Moore: To them it's not just about physical activity it communicates something deeply affirming I desire you I can definitely back this up with what she's talking about here.
• 31:24
  Daniel Moore: And we've talked about this even I think in the Four Laws of Love we've talked about this about how the what the man needs in his life what what makes him feel like he's a man and we talked about what women need that makes them feel like a woman and one thing that men really do thrive on is the respect in the home and the fact that they are able to take care of their family the fact that they are able to provide.
• 31:49
  Daniel Moore: If you want to kick a kick a man while he's down faster than anything is when a man is loses his job or gets you know gets laid off or fired or whatever it may be and all of a sudden he can't support his family and things start failing around him financially and they start having to go through things uh that that are not very typical for a married relationship, men start feeling failure because it's instilled with inside of us that we are the provider, that we are the the rock of that home and we want to make sure that our wife, our children, everybody underneath that roof is taken care of.
• 32:25
  Daniel Moore: And so whenever something like this happens again this is like I said earlier it's a mind game and if a man gets to a point where his his wife just all of a sudden just starts rejecting all the time when he initiates in that kind of thing that really works on the man and his security and it makes him start feeling like he's a failure at that point there's something something going on here.
• 32:49
  Daniel Moore: I failed you know what's going on here and so it's very dangerous to let that happen without talking through it just like you and I were talking about a while ago.
• 32:58
  Daniel Moore: If those issues come up and there's problems you have to keep that communication string open and to where you guys can talk and make sure that you talk through because if there are issues they need fixed.
• 33:08
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 33:09
  Daniel Moore: And so you need to make sure that each side knows what those issues are.
• 33:13
  Daniel Moore: Now when sex disappears from a marriage the impact is felt individually and relationally for the couple the bedroom can shift from a space of connection and comfort to one of tension and disconnection.
• 33:25
  Daniel Moore: What should be a restful sanctuary from the chaos of daily life a private sacred space to reconnect emotionally and physically can instead become a battleground marked by silence, resentment and guarded distance.
• 33:39
  Daniel Moore: Sexual disconnection often leads to emotional withdrawal.
• 33:43
  Daniel Moore: Couples may begin to feel like roommates rather than lovers and the repeated cycle of rejection or avoidance builds layers of hurt.
• 33:50
  Daniel Moore: What starts as frustration can easily grow into blame, bitterness and misunderstanding.
• 33:56
  Daniel Moore: Over time these emotions fester into a deep sense of isolation as the weeks slip into months and then years reigniting that lost spark can seem increasingly impossible but while the challenge grows with time it is not irreversible.
• 34:13
  Daniel Moore: Healing intimacy and restoring connection is absolutely possible with intentionality what's the next one open communication and a shared commitment to rebuilding affection and closeness.
• 34:26
  Daniel Moore: The longer a relationship goes without sex the more difficult it is to revive the sex life but as we were talking earlier it can be done.
• 34:35
  Daniel Moore: That's right it's not impossible for that to happen and so uh I think one of the most important points here that was made in this is you may think that by you rejecting your spouse is only going to affect you.
• 34:49
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 34:50
  Daniel Moore: But as everything goes anytime something like this happens or even if you make a bad choice or a bad decision it very rarely just affects you.
• 34:58
  Daniel Moore: Exactly there's always other always other people around you that it's going to affect.
• 35:03
  Daniel Moore: And especially in the marriage relationship again this is the one thing that the husband and wife share between each other that they don't share with with anybody else.
• 35:12
  Michelle Moore: That's right.
• 35:13
  Daniel Moore: And so if you do reject and you turn down and decide that you know this is not my thing and I'm not going to allow this to happen for whatever reason is going on in your mind that you're deciding that you're going to make that choice um you're destroying not only your own self but the other person that's in that relationship probably even more so because most generally the person that's rejecting you know they usually know why they're rejecting and they know what's going on because they're the ones that's initiating that rejection but the person on the other side of that does not know what's going on most generally and there can be times where probably something happens between the two of you and it's kind of a a known that okay we both are fighting and whatever we know why it's not happening you know it's good and and a lot of times you know makeup sex comes into play where you know we get mad and have a fight or whatever and then some people's leveling we just well let's go have sex and they just want to fix it with all of that but we've already I think we've talked about that before it doesn't fix anything makeup sex doesn't fix everything.
• 36:18
  Michelle Moore: Maybe great at that moment.
• 36:19
  Daniel Moore: Yeah there's an episode that you can go back and listen to on that one as well.
• 36:23
  Daniel Moore: And actually I think that was the title of that episode is Sex Doesn't fix everything.
• 36:27
  Daniel Moore: Uh that's not a good time to initiate that when you're in the middle of a big knockdown drag out having a fight because when you're done that problem's still there that sex didn't fix none of that no and the longer those issues go on the it gets worse.
• 36:44
  Michelle Moore: Right.
• 36:44
  Michelle Moore: Again and miss communication you're not talking you missed your opportunity to communicate and talk about it.
• 36:50
  Michelle Moore: And you know like you said makeup sex is great but it doesn't fix anything.
• 36:57
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 36:57
  Daniel Moore: Yeah you've got to make sure I one thing that I've come to realize over the years is you know when whenever you and I have those moments those intimate moments between each other uh those are actually they invigorate me you know they they build me up and I I'm a much happier person.
• 37:19
  Daniel Moore: I'm a much better person every time that happens because we're not using it to fix a problem.
• 37:25
  Michelle Moore: Right.
• 37:25
  Michelle Moore: That's so good.
• 37:26
  Daniel Moore: You know we're using it because God gave us that gift first of all and as we talked about two weeks ago uh this sexual relationship between us reflects the intimate relationship that we do have with God.
• 37:40
  Daniel Moore: Um you know God fully created sex and why it's supposed to happen and um all the intimacy points everything about it you know that's a creation from God and he wants us to have that but we have to do it within the boundaries that he's set for us and make sure that we do it you know use it for the right reasons and those kinds of things and one of the biggest reasons besides having children is just for us to stay intimately connected to have a love like we've never seen before and that's just the connection that we have I think you know as we've as we talked through this week we're gonna probably stop it with this one and try to finish up next week on this there's been a lot of good points made here and you know I hope that maybe some people listen maybe some of your questions that you've had about it maybe we've tried answered that in some way some fashion or form but I think for myself you know one of the biggest takeaways I think from this week that I can say as we as we go here is always understand that if you're having problems with your sex life with you and your spouse make sure you guys talk about it.
• 38:58
  Daniel Moore: You know don't push it underneath the rug and think well next time it'll be okay.
• 39:04
  Daniel Moore: You know, well next time it may not be okay.
• 39:06
  Daniel Moore: It may be the same thing.
• 39:07
  Michelle Moore: Right.
• 39:08
  Daniel Moore: And then you're gonna push it under the rug again and then you're gonna have this habitual thing going on and the whole time both of you in your mind it's going to start building up and you're gonna have these issues going on trying to figure out what do I need to fix this.
• 39:21
  Daniel Moore: But you're not gonna know how to fix it because you're not talking to each other about it on what the issues are.
• 39:26
  Daniel Moore: And so you have to make sure that you keep that communication open between each other.
• 39:30
  Daniel Moore: And even if it's something that maybe maybe it's going to hurt your spouse's feelings you know maybe something has been going on that's just not been quite right and maybe they need called out on it.
• 39:40
  Daniel Moore: Again that's a communication issue uh we always as spouses we need to know what's going on in each other's minds and if there's issues taking place that is causing problems in the relationship we need to get that out on the table and we need to talk through that.
• 39:56
  Daniel Moore: And I know we make it sound super easy as we're talking about here and we need No, it's not a lot of times.
• 40:02
  Daniel Moore: But I will honestly say though that if you if you have a true love for your spouse and you work on communication and you work on uh if your if your love for your spouse is worth more than anything else, you're gonna find a way to talk through problems.
• 40:16
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 40:16
  Daniel Moore: I mean that's just that's just the way it is because Michelle and I, when we have disagreements or have issues or whatever, yeah, sometimes it might fester for a day or two before we say anything, but you can about guarantee we're always gonna come to the table eventually and we are going to discuss it.
• 40:32
  Michelle Moore: You're exactly right.
• 40:33
  Daniel Moore: We're gonna get it out there in the open and get it fixed because we already know what happens if it doesn't get fixed.
• 40:39
  Daniel Moore: So did you have anything that you wanted to add to this week's No?
• 40:43
  Daniel Moore: Well, I think this has been a really good take on the issue of the sexless marriage for this week.
• 40:51
  Daniel Moore: Uh we pray that none of you guys are going through this, but we know this is very common.
• 40:56
  Daniel Moore: And if you are going through it, there is hope.
• 40:59
  Daniel Moore: Uh make sure that you keep your Bible reading, your prayer life, uh, your church community that's around you.
• 41:06
  Daniel Moore: Make sure you take advantage of all of that first and foremost, and then ask God to direct you both as a couple and what you need to do to navigate through this time and this season in your life where you're fighting these problems and these issues, and always know that it's not okay to turn your spouse down all the time if they have that desire.
• 41:27
  Daniel Moore: I mean, you're fortunate there's people out there that don't love each other at all.
• 41:31
  Daniel Moore: And here you've got a spouse that obviously does love you and wants to partake in that with you.
• 41:37
  Daniel Moore: When you turn them down, then you're creating a bigger monster in the room, basically.
• 41:43
  Daniel Moore: And you have to figure out within your own self, ask God to reveal to you what is it that's causing my issue to want to not do this with my spouse, because God wants us to do these things with each other, and so in essence, we're basically breaking the covenant we have with God, and breaking that covenant in our marriage, it's it's all or nothing.
• 42:04
  Daniel Moore: That's that's what that covenant is.
• 42:06
  Daniel Moore: Everything that's included in the marriage, um, it's everything.
• 42:10
  Daniel Moore: Everything that I have within me, I give to Michelle, and the same comes back to me.
• 42:14
  Daniel Moore: Anytime you hold something back, then you are breaking that covenant between not only yourselves and between God, because God, in essence, created that covenant.
• 42:23
  Daniel Moore: And so always keep that in mind and try to make sure you resolve through those issues as they come up.
• 42:29
  Daniel Moore: So that's gonna be all for this week then.
• 42:31
  Daniel Moore: Next week, when we come back, we're gonna talk about how to resurrect sex.
• 42:35
  Daniel Moore: We've got four steps that we're gonna go through, and hopefully one of these steps will resonate with you if you're having these issues, and we'll try to talk through those and um try to share some light on maybe some issues that's going on in your life and how to fix those.
• 42:51
  Daniel Moore: Uh, of course, to get that, you need to make sure that you're subscribed to our podcast.
• 42:55
  Daniel Moore: So if you've not subscribed, please do.
• 42:57
  Daniel Moore: You can get this podcast pretty much anywhere you can get podcasts.
• 43:00
  Daniel Moore: Uh you can check out our website, Marriage Life, and more if you have any further question about our ministry and where you can listen to our episodes at.
• 43:07
  Daniel Moore: But as for now, we're going to call that a wrap.
• 43:10
  Daniel Moore: That's all for this week, and we pray that as we go that your marriage is stronger and your walk with God is closer after this episode.
• 43:16
  Daniel Moore: This is an extension of Connecting and Gap Ministries, and we pray that you have a blessed week.