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The Art of Intentional Connection: Beyond Chemistry for a Deeper Relationship · The Diva Details

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Welcome to the Diva Details. Welcome to the Diva Details.
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Where bold, confident women embrace life unapologetically.
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From love and sex to wellness and reinvention. We keep it raw, real, and powerful.
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Well, hello. This is Diva Mia,
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and today we're going to talk a little bit more about the art of dating.
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And part of the art of dating is your connection with a person.
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It's got to be intentional and authentic.
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And connections are all about alignment. If you're going to develop a long-term
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relationship with someone, alignment and connection is extremely important.
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You can't just do it off of chemistry alone because chemistry doesn't really last.
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Alignment, connection, respect, those are the things that last in a relationship
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and will create a long-term relationship.
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So today we're going to talk a little bit about not just surface chemistry,
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not just attention, not just attraction, but intentional, authentic connection.
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Because I think that's really what people want. I think long-term.
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People want to have the partner that you hold hands with forever,
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not something that you just do for a few months, something that you have a long-term
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relationship where you're connected and you have chemistry, and that chemistry lasts.
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And it's not going to last unless there's authentic connection.
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That authentic connection can span over decades. It can be like that from the
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beginning of the time when you meet them until the day you die.
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But that connection also comes with an alignment. It's not authentic from the
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beginning. It's not going to last.
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I think people, once they fully and intentionally connect with someone,
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they feel safe. They feel aligned.
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It can be expansive and sustainable.
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But you've got to be careful because sometimes you go through the honeymoon
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stage and you think it's going to last, and it doesn't.
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We live in a world where instant gratification is seen as what's necessary,
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but instant gratification does not create long-term relationships.
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We're in a swipe culture where we have like performative relationships that
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are quick and fast, but if you want a really true connection,
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a rare connection, an incredibly valuable connection, you've got to take your time.
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You've got to be authentic with those and expect others to be authentic with you.
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And sometimes they're not. Sometimes they come on strong and you see red flags over time.
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And sometimes they are. You just have to really work at it. That's the trick
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to developing an authentic connection relationship.
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But real connection actually is alignment. It matters more than passion.
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It means you connect on all levels. It means you're there for each other.
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It means they show up when they're
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expected to show up, and they show up willingly without being forced.
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Respect is also the foundation of long-term love. If there's no respect there
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or they don't show respect for you, that's a red flag.
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Because what's going to happen is that it's going to show that they may not
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be there long-term for you. They're just there for the quick fix.
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The biggest pitfall, it's disrespect is one of the biggest pitfalls.
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It's the quiet destroyer of relationships. And sometimes it's just little incidences
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of disrespect that lead up to a relationship dying over time.
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I know as women, a lot of times we put up with a lot.
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Sometimes we tell our partners that we felt disrespected.
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And they may apologize, but then they do it again. And again,
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there's only so many times you can allow for disrespect to happen.
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And quite frankly, men, if you're in your 30s, 40s, or 50s, and you don't know
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how to treat a woman at this point, you need to go look inward because you should
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know how to treat another woman, a friend, another person without being disrespectful.
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It's confusing to women when, for instance, you show up somewhere and you get
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disrespected and you're like, how in the heck could they have not known?
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Basic common consideration. We look at that and we're like, oh my gosh,
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that's a 50-year-old man and he still doesn't know how to show respect to his partner.
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We look at it a little confused and then it becomes a little bit of an issue.
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Respect is gonna be one of the biggest parts of aligning with someone.
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It's gonna be one of the biggest parts of making sure that you have an intentional
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connection. When you lose that respect for someone, if someone disrespects you,
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it's hard to respect them back. That is the beginning of a breakdown of a relationship.
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I'm not saying it's impossible to get it back. It's just, it takes work.
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But connection and respect, it's not accidental.
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You do have to work at it. You have to do it every day. It's an art and it's
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a choice. It's not something that automatically happens.
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People, I think sometimes when you align with somebody and you fall for somebody
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and you connect with them, you're like, oh, this should be easy.
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It is, but it doesn't mean you don't have to do any work at all.
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It doesn't mean you get to stop showing up. It doesn't mean you get to get lazy
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or comfortable and disrespect the other party.
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Authentic connection means you are seen as you are, not as what you pretend
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to be, and you don't shrink or perform or chase someone.
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You get to be who you are and get to be respected as who you are.
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When you see that disrespect, then you get to make a choice.
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Do you want to stay in this relationship or not?
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Hopefully you find a partner that won't disrespect you ever,
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and it's a good relationship. To me, like if you have a disagreement with a
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partner, the best thing to do is to discuss it in private.
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Some people like to be loud and obnoxious and argue in front of people.
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I'm not that. I think it's disrespectful.
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I think it's disrespectful when people accuse you of things or try to yell at
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you in front of other people.
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It's just disrespectful. If you have a problem with your partner,
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take it outside or take it private.
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Go sit in the car and discuss it as adults would discuss things.
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Because if you're in your 50s and 60s, guys, you should know better. You really should.
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Women too. You should know better.
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Don't shrink for your partner. Don't perform or chase them. Because if a man
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really wants you, ladies, they'll show up and they'll show up authentically.
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They'll show up as a man that they should be. What happens is when you get disrespected,
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your emotional safety, it goes down a little bit and it starts to make you try
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to guess what is going on in your relationship.
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I will say for me, at least safety is one of my biggest things.
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I have to feel safe or I don't sleep at night.
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If I don't feel safe, I'm not I'm not comfortable. My sleep gets messed up.
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My nervous system goes awry. If I don't feel safe in a relationship.
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My body tells me. I don't even have to think about it. My body starts to tell
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me. I start sleeping less.
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It's a sign that something's off in my relationship because my body will tell me.
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You need to be intentional in making sure you choose the right partner so that
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your body doesn't have to tell you, hey, there's a problem here.
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Intentional connection also means you're choosing each other consciously.
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It means that you know you love each other and you're there and you show up
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every day. You communicate clearly. When there's a problem, you need to discuss it.
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And sometimes it may be a problem for one partner and it's not a problem for the other partner.
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But you still need to discuss it because you want to make sure things are smooth and not bottled up.
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If you bottle it up and push it down, ladies, and think, I don't want to make
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a big deal about it, and then it just keeps bothering you, it'll eat away at
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you and it'll eat away at the relationship.
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If you care about keeping that relationship strong, just discuss it.
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Figure out a way to move past it. And if you can't move past it,
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then maybe it's time to move on. But you've got to show up consistently.
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Don't make everything about convenience.
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And life is important to be convenient and consistent. But once it gets convenient
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and comfortable, sometimes you lose sight of what's necessary to keep that relationship going.
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Real connection happens when words match your actions. If a person says they're
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a giver or that they really love you or they want to take care of you,
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but then they don't, words aren't matching actions.
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And it can be confusing. It can be from both sides. If a woman says that she
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loves you and then she goes out and talks to other people badly about you,
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that could be a problem as well.
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Or if she goes out and cheats or something like that.
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Men and women, we need to learn to respect each other, take care of each other.
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And our words have to match our actions. And our energy has to match our intention.
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So if we are intending to stay in a relationship, why aren't you putting in effort?
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Your intention has to be there as well. And I always talk about values as well. Our values...
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Have to match our behavior. If we say we're a good person and then you go out
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and you have an emotional affair with someone or you cheat with someone or you're
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checking out other people or you're flirting with other people or doing things
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that you shouldn't be, your values aren't matching your behavior.
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That's going to destroy a relationship faster than anything.
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I've seen it a time and I think I call it wandering eye syndrome West where
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it happens both men and women. They're checking out other people when they're with their partner.
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They shouldn't be doing it when they're not with their partner,
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but they do it with their partner.
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And all it does is create an insecurity in the relationship and it creates resentment
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from one party towards the other.
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So if that's your personality type, realize you're not going to get a high quality person.
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You're going to get somebody that's always going to be suspicious and will settle.
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People, if you're getting a person that's going to settle for you,
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it's probably a few steps down.
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Remember, if this is your personality type, it's not going to create a long,
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enduring relationship. So watch out for that too, because values matter.
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Your values have to match your behavior. If you say you're a loyal person and
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then you go out and cheat, that's not loyalty.
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Your values do have to match. It's not always about intensity.
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It's more about integrity. Do you have integrity in your relationships?
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Can someone trust you when you say you're going to do something?
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Do you show up on time or are you late all the time?
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Every single time a man is late
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or a woman is late, it chips away at the integrity of their relationship.
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It chips away at the trust that you created because if
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you're not showing up for your partner on time then you're disrespecting them
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every single time you're late now i understand there's traffic and every once
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in a while you may be late but if you say you're going to be there somewhere
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at a certain time and you don't show up so it's disrespectful and people will
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lose trust and it starts to destroy your relationship there was actually a study done.
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And one of the number one things that starts to break down relationships is
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a lack of trust in someone.
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The trust can come just from someone being late or not showing up on time.
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Even if you have chemistry with someone, if you make them feel anxious,
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confused, or unsettled, they're going to walk away eventually because there's
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only so much they can take. I don't care who it is.
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They'll eventually walk unless they have no self-respect.
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Ladies, I hope you have a lot of self-respect. By the time you're in your 30s,
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40s, and 50s, you've really got to own what you got. I don't care what you look
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like. I don't care how you behave.
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But you are you and own it and love it.
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But if someone's disrespecting you, it might be time to have a heart to heart.
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And if they don't improve, it might be time to move on.
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Because it's not connection when they cause confusion. It's not connection when
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they make you anxious or unsettled or they're disrespectful.
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It causes your nervous system to activate and you feel off. you won't sleep
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well, you get a little nervous around them, and it just starts to destroy the relationship.
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So connection feels grounded, calm, secure.
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It's energizing. It's not chaotic. And it may have gone in that you had a strong
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connection in the beginning, and then it starts to waver. It happens.
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You know, sometimes people over time, they just don't show up the same way they
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used to. So realize that that can happen as well.
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Attraction will get you in the door with women and men. Attraction always gets
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you in the door, but alignment is what keeps you in the room.
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If you want to stay with someone, you need to have similar values and not just
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talk about values. The values have to be core.
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I've talked about core values in the past, and alignment is it's required to
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have similar core values. You also need to have compatible lifestyles.
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Sometimes money can be an issue. If one person makes more money than another
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and they don't come from similar backgrounds, compatibility issues can be an issue.
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Sometimes it's just because people have different hobbies and there's compatibility
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issues there, but compatible lifestyles are important with alignment.
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And then a shared vision for the future. You should talk about what you're looking
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for together, what you want, and don't just be agreeable.
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Tell them what you are looking for in the future.
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And then you also have to match emotional availability.
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Now, this is a big one. I think sometimes some people are more emotionally available than others.
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Like for instance, some people like to spend time, quality time together and
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other people want to be alone most of the time and only see each other once a week or twice a week.
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So emotional availability is going to matter. If you're yearning to be with
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somebody and you miss them a lot and they miss you, that's great.
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That's an emotional alignment, but some people don't align that way.
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You can like the same music and still be misaligned because maybe you don't
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like to listen to it all the time. You can have great sex and still be incompatible.
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And that's the thing. A lot of People, they say, well, we have such great sex.
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Well, great sex is great, but if your values aren't aligning or you're getting
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disrespected, it can change the relationship and make it incompatible.
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Alignment shows up in how you handle conflict, how you manage stress,
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how you communicate your needs and how responsive the other person is to listening to those needs.
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And it also shows up how you respect when emotions are running high.
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So when someone gets upset, what happens? Does it turn into a big blowout fight?
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Or do you listen to each other and talk through it? Alignment shows up in those ways.
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As well as when stressful things happen, do you communicate clearly?
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Are you good together? When your alignment is missing, relationships are going
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to feel like work. It's not going to feel like a partnership.
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It's going to feel tough.
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It's going to feel like you're constantly working to keep it together.
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There's going to be confusion instead of clarity.
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Every relationship, don't get me wrong, is just because you have a few bumps
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in the road doesn't mean the relationship is over.
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There's confusion at certain times, but if the relationship most of the time
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is confusing, then you've got a problem.
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If you're getting anxiety instead of peace from your partner, there's a problem.
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Remember, you should feel comfortable in your relationship.
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You should have some sort of peace, an ability to communicate with your partner.
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If they're not willing to listen, then you may not be in the right relationship.
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You shouldn't have to convince someone to meet you where you already are.
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They should want to show up where you already are, and they should understand that.
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You've got to talk about respect, okay? Respect is so important because love
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without respect doesn't last.
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Respect is important because when somebody respects you, they're going to listen
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to you. They're not going to interrupt everything you say.
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They're going to honor your boundaries without punishing you for it.
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I was in a relationship once where whenever I would bring up something that
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bothered me, I got punished because it turned into a fight and a blame game
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that I just didn't understand them and I had boundaries and therefore I was at fault.
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It was rough. You've got to be in a relationship where boundaries are honored
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and there's no punishment.
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You've got to be able to speak kindly to each other with even during disagreements.
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Honestly, the whole yelling and screaming fighting thing that was kind of the
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1980s, 90s, and even early 2000 that people did on TV and in relationships and that they said,
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oh, I like to fight so we can make up. I'm sorry, that's a bunch of BS.
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You can have a disagreement and speak kindly to each other because honestly,
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if you're yelling at your partner, you're not being loving at all.
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You need to learn to speak kindly, even during disagreements and show consideration
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to them when no one's watching.
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I mean, honestly, how you treat your partner at home is just important,
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if not more than how you treat them in public.
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I think in public, it's important as well, because if somebody is accusing you
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or yelling at you in public, it's disrespectful as well.
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If you can't have a conversation in private with someone when no one is watching,
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then there's also a disrespect going on.
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Even if somebody's yelling and screaming at you at home, that's so disrespectful.
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Well, you deserve more. Have some self-respect for yourself.
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Respect is following through.
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I never have a disagreement. If I have a disagreement with somebody,
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I take them outside in private or I discuss it privately.
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So for people, just remember, follow through with respect. Be honest,
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even if it's uncomfortable.
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And value your time, your body, your emotions, and your effort.
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Because you're putting a lot of work into a relationship, ladies.
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Our time is so valuable. And our effort is so valuable. And when someone disrespects
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you, they disrespect all about you.
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Because when respect is present, you have trust.
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You feel safe. Your safety deepens. You'll sleep better at night.
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You'll feel better when you're around them. Your desire increases.
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I will say if I get disrespected, my sexual desire goes away immediately.
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I mean, I may have been really excited to see them, really turned on to see
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them. And if someone disrespects me, my desire goes to zero.
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I've had it happen in relationships where I got disrespected and I just didn't
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want to be with the person.
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Then you know the relationship's about to end. Because if you're getting disrespected,
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you're like, okay, I'm done.
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You'll give them a few chances typically because everybody deserves a few chances.
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But over time, it kills it. When respect is missing, you get resentment and it builds up over time.
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And it could be micro disrespect to little little versions of disrespect here and there.
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And the reality is, is when that happens, you have to remember that those little
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micro disrespect things, it's going to create resentment and your traction is going to go down.
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You're not going to want to be intimate with your partner.
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You're not going to want to get close to your partner. You're not going to want to snuggle.
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Your nervous system is going to be on overdrive. Your emotional walls pretty
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much go up. that's not a long-term relationship. You've got to nurture a long-term relationship
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And you can't do it with just charm alone. You can't do it with just cuteness alone.
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Respect is what makes love long-term sustainable.
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So let me go over real quick the pitfalls that are going to destroy your connection
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because you work so hard to get into this relationship. You found a really good
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partner and you're there and you really like them, but then you start to kill the relationship.
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I will say that some people sabotage their own relationships.
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Sometimes they sabotage their own relationships because they're nervous or they're insecure.
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Or they just don't feel worthy. But when they do, sometimes it's too late because
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the quiet relationship killers, if you ignore these, it's going to be too late.
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One of the big ones is inconsistency.
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Hot one day, cold the next. I will say it killed the relationship.
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I started dating a guy and he was hot one day and then cold the next and hot and cold.
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And I don't like the yo-yo factor. That lack of effort and inconsistency,
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once you get comfortable with a person, it destroys your safety.
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It's the inconsistency breeds anxiety and you feel like you're not seen,
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you feel like you're not valued.
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And when a person is inconsistent with their attention, it destroys your attraction towards them.
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Just realize that. Then a lack of emotional accountability. Let's say that you
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had a disagreement on something.
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If the other person deflects or blames you for it and they won't take accountability
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for their actions, it destroys a relationship.
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Because over time, if you avoid responsibility, it will kill your connection.
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Because connection requires ownership, not ego.
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You've got to own when you make a mistake. You've got to own it.
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It's okay to make mistakes, but you got to own it. Sometimes it takes a while
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for your partner to forgive a mistake, but you still got to own it.
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Poor communication is a big one too. If you're not communicating well, this is a big one for me.
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And I think it is for a lot of women. I think sometimes we expect men to be
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mind readers and we can't do that anymore. We have to let them know when something bothers us.
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We have to let them know and stop avoiding the hard communication because we
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are the hard conversations because we need to let the men know that there is a problem.
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I am one of those big people. Whenever I have a problem, I go silent,
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but it's not as a punishment. Some people use silence as a punishment.
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I go silent just because I want to formulate my words in a way that I'm calm.
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Cool and collected and I can have a clear discussion.
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So you can go silent for a little bit, but make sure you come back to the table
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and have an open communication with someone because healthy relationships talk
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through discomfort. They do.
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And you're going to have discomfort in every relationship. You're going to have
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issues because you're two separate beings no matter what.
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Until you're with somebody for 10 years and you're symbiotic almost,
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it's going to take a while to really merge your personalities.
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And your personalities won't merge, but you do have to have good communication.
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One of the big ones that I've seen guys do is they disrespect people,
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and women too, and they disguise it as a joke.
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They disguise it as sarcasm or belittling, and they try to minimize the other person's feelings.
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If it's hurtful to you and somebody says something that's hurtful and it's not
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humorous, you need to let them know.
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You need to have good communication. And if they keep doing it,
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it's going to diminish you. It's not love. It's somebody's insecurity trying
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to make you feel less than.
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And there's a lot of stuff that happens in couples and you need to keep some
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of the stuff private too.
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If something happened, you don't have to share with your friends. Keep it private.
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Work through it with your partner because that's what they're there for.
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One of the big things too is misaligned values.
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Sometimes one person is more committed to the relationship than others.
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Sometimes one person has more money or has a lack of money and doesn't care
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and just has a lot of debt.
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Or they are not big into having family.
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If you want to have a family and you find somebody that's not into having families
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or doesn't really care about families, that's a difference in your values.
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Integrity is huge too. Some people, some people are okay with people stepping
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out on relationships and other people's, it's like a red line you can't cross.
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Integrity is a big front. Then growth mindset, that's probably huge for me.
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I need a person that has a growth mindset because I don't like people that are
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victims or shrink down and don't want to grow in life because education is always
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important for me forever.
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And so love can't override incompatible values forever.
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Eventually they're going to poke through. What has to happen,
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I don't change people, but if someone wants to grow with me, great.
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If someone is where they're at and they're not going to grow with me,
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I need to know early because I need to move on because I am a very big growth mindset of person.
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Once you've got your relationship and you're avoiding the pitfalls,
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and I know it sounds so complicated, but it is complicated.
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Relationships are very complicated, and feelings and ego and everything gets involved in stuff.
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So it's really, it takes time to work through some of this. So here's how to
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build your intentional authentic connection.
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So you've spent some time, you've avoided the pitfalls, you've found the right partner.
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One of the big things in order to make sure your connection lasts is to be honest early.
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If you try to trick a person into falling for you and you spend three months
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acting like one person and then all of a sudden the other person comes out of
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you because it's your natural who you are,
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there are going to be some confusion and it's going to decrease your connection
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and it'll destroy your relationship.
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You've got to communicate clearly about who you are and what you want.
22:42
I know some people, they're like, oh, I want to get married right away and other people don't.
22:46
That's a communication that you've got to talk to. And you've got to set boundaries without guilt.
22:51
Boundaries are there to protect us. And we shouldn't feel bad about boundaries.
22:56
Don't put up a wall where nobody can get through. But there are reasons for boundaries.
23:00
So don't feel guilty when you have them. But choose a partner who's got your
23:04
back and your boundaries don't have to be as large.
23:07
I mean, if you've got a partner that supports you and is your biggest cheerleader,
23:10
you're already halfway there.
23:12
I mean, you'd still have to get respect, but you're there. But watch behavior
23:16
more than words, because I will tell you, sometimes people say they're one way
23:20
and then their behavior shows a completely different thing.
23:23
You got to believe the behavior. I'm sad to say I wish I could believe everything
23:27
people say, but the behavior shows who they are.
23:30
Then prioritize your emotional safety first, because if you don't feel safe,
23:34
there's no point in being in a relationship in the first place.
23:36
That emotional safety is all that it's about. If you have self-respect and respect
23:41
yourself first, you don't have to worry so much about any of this,
23:44
because self-respect will have you back out of relationships that are disrespectful.
23:49
The quality of your relationship will never exceed the quality of your self-respect. Remember that.
23:53
Connection starts with aligning with yourself first. So that's why everybody,
23:57
whenever you go into a relationship and they say the first thing you need to
24:00
do is you need to go and work on yourself, the reason they say that is because
24:04
you have to align with yourself first.
24:06
You have to connect with yourself first. Real connection shouldn't be draining
24:09
you, and you should be happy before you even go into the relationship.
24:13
Real connection doesn't confuse you. It makes you happy. You should feel joy.
24:17
It doesn't make you question your worth.
24:19
It doesn't make you question why you're in the relationship.
24:22
There may be instances where people make mistakes and you're going to have to
24:25
either move past them or move on. But you're going to have to realize that sometimes people do mess up.
24:30
If you have a real connection, you should be expanding your relationship. You should feel stable.
24:35
A connection should really feel mutual. It should feel both ways.
24:38
It shouldn't feel one-sided.
24:39
There is a little bit of a push and pull, but there shouldn't be an extreme push and pull.
24:43
It should be both parties want to be in that relationship. One shouldn't want
24:47
to be in the relationship more than the other.
24:48
If you want to have a really deep relationship, don't chase intensity and start
24:52
choosing alignment. When you align with someone and you're comfortable with
24:55
someone and it feels normal and peaceful and respectful, that's what you should
24:59
be choosing, not intensity.
25:01
Because when connection is intentional, love becomes sustainable. It really does.
25:05
It sustains through time and it feels natural. It really does. When.
25:10
You have that connection with something. It just feels natural.
25:12
It feels like it was always that way.
25:14
Time kind of stops. It could be a few months and it feels like you've been together
25:17
for years because it just feels so natural.
25:20
Relationships will grow. You shouldn't feel like you're in survival with a relationship.
25:25
You should feel like you're thriving with a relationship.
25:28
Relationships should help you grow as a person.
25:30
Relationships should make you feel comfortable. It should make you feel loved.
25:34
It should make you feel like they're the perfect person for you that you've
25:37
been waiting for your whole life. I hope this helps.
25:40
I know that it's a struggle sometimes to keep a relationship going.
25:44
Some people rush into marriage too soon because they're afraid the relationship
25:47
will fall apart, but that's not a reason to get married.
25:51
Make sure the relationship is on solid ground and sustainable before you move
25:54
into marriage, because marriage should be a vow that you stay together forever.
25:58
I think people are using it as just a next level of commitment in a relationship,
26:02
and that's not what it is. A marriage is more deep than that.
26:05
So I do hope that helps. And I wish you all the best in all your dating and
26:09
lifestyle and changes that are going on in our older ages, 40, 50s, and 60s.
26:15
I know that a lot of things are
26:16
happening and I wish you all the best with whoever you have as a partner.
26:20
Valentine's Day is coming up soon, so there'll be more to come.
26:23
Have a wonderful day and happy new year.
26:28
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