Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 98: Navigating Others Discomfort Around our Boundary Setting

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98: Navigating Others Discomfort Around our Boundary Setting · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  So first I thought I would give you a little bit of an update.
• 0:25
  I know I told you about all the crazy things happening.
• 0:28
  Life is looking so much better now.
• 0:30
  So I thought I'd let you know.
• 0:32
  Also the day that this episode will be dropping is the day of the Boston marathon.
• 0:37
  And guess what?
• 0:38
  We were able to book a hotel 1.4 miles from the finish line.
• 0:42
  So I will be able to very easily get over there to support my runner.
• 0:46
  So yeah.
• 0:47
  So the day that you're listening to this, I will be in Boston.
• 0:50
  So I'm super excited about that.
• 0:51
  Everything is falling into place.
• 0:54
  I also wanted to share with you a dream that I had last night.
• 0:57
  So last night, I had a dream that I had a very full house of guests.
• 1:04
  This included adults and children, and they were everywhere.
• 1:08
  And as I was observing how many people were in my house, my doorbell rang and somebody was on my porch giving me a toddler and said, oh, Hey, we heard that you had room for one more.
• 1:17
  And I was quite surprised at the assumption.
• 1:19
  And then there was a woman approaching my door that had official documents saying, oh yeah, I was referred to stay at your house.
• 1:25
  And I was racking my brain thinking of all of the people in my house and thinking, where am I going to put these people?
• 1:31
  And how can I tell them?
• 1:32
  No, because I really don't have room for the people that are already here.
• 1:36
  How can I possibly kindly tell them no.
• 1:38
  Where they're not gonna experience any negative emotions.
• 1:41
  And it was so interesting.
• 1:43
  To observe my mind when I woke up.
• 1:45
  Right.
• 1:45
  Because then when I woke up, I thought, wow.
• 1:47
  Even in my sleep, it's hard to overcome people pleasing and I'm highly concerned about other people's emotional reactions to my setting, a boundary.
• 1:56
  So I thought that today, We would talk a little bit about what happens when you do have to set a boundary with something and they experience disappointment.
• 2:05
  Now I know that for the bulk of my life, someone else experiencing a negative emotion has pretty much been the worst case scenario, which is why we people please.
• 2:14
  Right.
• 2:15
  We want everybody to be happy so that we don't experience a negative emotion, because if they are unhappy, we are unhappy.
• 2:21
  If they are disappointed, we are disappointed.
• 2:24
  But here's the thing, and I really want you to listen closely to this.
• 2:27
  Someone else having a negative emotion.
• 2:29
  Isn't the problem.
• 2:31
  What other people feel is out of our control anyway.
• 2:33
  The real problem is learning how to navigate our own discomfort.
• 2:38
  Around their discomfort.
• 2:41
  So let's kind of play around this idea of boundary setting.
• 2:44
  And witnessing other people's discomfort and kind of see if we can shift the internal dialogue around a little bit to make it a little bit easier.
• 2:51
  For you to witness someone else's discomfort because it is going to get you a better end result.
• 2:56
  Now we have a lot of story in our mind around other people's discomfort when we state a boundary.
• 3:03
  So we might have the story that well, they're being very disrespectful.
• 3:06
  If they're upset that I'm stating a boundary, or we might tell ourselves the story that maybe we're wrong for stating a boundary, if they're upset about it, maybe it's because we've done something wrong.
• 3:16
  Or we might tell ourselves the story that they are a horrible person.
• 3:19
  For being upset with our newly expressed boundary.
• 3:22
  But all of these are just stories and all of these are in fact judgements around other people, having a feeling you are essentially creating discomfort for yourself.
• 3:32
  By having these thoughts around other people's reactions or levels of discomfort.
• 3:37
  So what if instead, we just thought of they're upset as neutral as just a fact.
• 3:43
  What if their being disappointed or upset about our setting, a boundary.
• 3:47
  I was actually okay.
• 3:49
  Kind of a mind blowing idea, right?
• 3:52
  Really sit with that one for a minute.
• 3:53
  What if it's okay.
• 3:55
  For them to be disappointed.
• 3:57
  Our brain oftentimes wants to jump to a worst case scenario but really generally speaking, the worst case scenario is somebody is going to have a negative emotion and that's okay.
• 4:06
  When we think that everybody needs to feel good all of the time, then we oftentimes burn ourselves out, trying to think of the perfect way to state a boundary.
• 4:15
  We think.
• 4:16
  Okay.
• 4:16
  If I can just word it exactly right then nobody will be upset.
• 4:20
  I will set the perfect boundary that won't bother anybody.
• 4:23
  And this'll be great.
• 4:25
  So let's kind of use my overcrowded house stream as an example here.
• 4:28
  Now, even in my dream state, I was trying to think of the perfect way to tell somebody that I didn't have any room.
• 4:35
  Now keep in mind.
• 4:36
  This was probably pretty obvious to anyone who opened my door because they would see at least 20 children, at least 30 adults running around in my house.
• 4:43
  And so it should be pretty obvious.
• 4:45
  I mean, I really didn't have room for even the people I had already let in, but dreamy thought.
• 4:50
  But I just need to find the right words to tell them so that they can just go and find someplace else to stay.
• 4:56
  And it won't hurt their feelings.
• 4:58
  And more importantly, it won't make it my fault that they don't have a place to go.
• 5:02
  And that they're having a bad experience here and negative emotion here.
• 5:07
  But not stating a boundary in this instance, which of course this isn't going to happen to any of us.
• 5:11
  Right?
• 5:11
  This is just happening in my dream, but not stating a boundary over how much room I have and that I can't take in any more people that would actually lead to even more discomfort.
• 5:21
  We cannot avoid discomfort, but we can choose what form of discomfort we are willing to experience.
• 5:29
  In order to create our desired result, which, and this is awesome.
• 5:33
  Ultimately means that while you can't avoid discomfort, you can actually shorten its duration.
• 5:40
  Right so often because we're trying to avoid someone else experiencing a negative emotion.
• 5:45
  We are perpetuating discomfort for ourselves.
• 5:48
  So you're going to experience discomfort either way, but actually asserting self and actually stating those boundaries can actually shorten the duration of your discomfort.
• 5:58
  So let me give you a few examples.
• 6:00
  Lily has a mother-in-law that is constantly stopping by unannounced and it's really disrupting family time and homework time and bedtime.
• 6:08
  It's becoming problematic.
• 6:10
  Now Lily could avoid creating discomfort for her.
• 6:12
  Mother-in-law by not saying anything at all, but this would perpetuate her own discomfort.
• 6:18
  So instead Lily decides to set a boundary with her.
• 6:21
  Mother-in-law.
• 6:22
  She decided to just kindly explain to her, her need for a notice and set that boundary.
• 6:26
  Hey, we're not going to be opening up the door after this time.
• 6:29
  Now, initially her mother-in-law was upset, but over time, then she was able to come to respect Lily's boundaries.
• 6:37
  Which led to what Lily really wanted, which was more quality time with her family free of unexpected interruption.
• 6:45
  Now, again, notice that discomfort is going to be a part of it, either ours or someone else's, but that is also how we learn how to peacefully coexist is by expressing our needs.
• 6:56
  If she never expresses what it is that she needs with her mother-in-law they will not be able to peacefully coexist.
• 7:01
  There will always be that internal battle and that internal struggle within herself.
• 7:06
  All right.
• 7:06
  Example, number two, Melissa was feeling overwhelmed with the home duties and more than that, she was really starting to feel like her spouse was straight up intentionally avoiding, actually helping out around the house.
• 7:18
  Now historically it's Melissa who picks up the slack.
• 7:21
  And then she also, at the same time is seething and experiencing a lot of anger and resentment.
• 7:27
  Towards her spouse.
• 7:28
  And of course that does not help the relationship.
• 7:31
  So this time she decided instead to speak up and to ask for more help and more support around the house.
• 7:37
  Now at first, her spouse actually did respond defensively.
• 7:41
  And that made her question, her decision to speak up because that did not feel like peace, right.
• 7:45
  She was seeking peace.
• 7:46
  And now there's defensiveness where she was hoping there would be peace.
• 7:49
  But ultimately after her spouse had some time to feel their feelings.
• 7:53
  Then they were able to start to pitch in a little bit more, and then they're able to experience more peace and more genuine love and connection in relationship.
• 8:02
  All right.
• 8:02
  Example, number three Catherine's teenager had been repeatedly breaking curfew.
• 8:08
  Now because Catherine hates confrontation.
• 8:10
  And also because her teen can be a little bit challenging at times, then Catherine really hesitated to speak up.
• 8:16
  So when she does finally decide to talk with her teen about responsibility and the importance of curfew and also of respect.
• 8:25
  Then her teen did in fact, throw a teen sized tantrum.
• 8:30
  And that doesn't feel great when you're on the receiving end of that.
• 8:33
  But as she continued to show up and maintain her boundary.
• 8:36
  She soon was able to see that.
• 8:38
  Yeah.
• 8:38
  Okay.
• 8:38
  Holding and maintaining my boundaries, actually, not only creating more safety for my teenager, but it's also creating more mutual respect in the relationship, which also creates more love and connection.
• 8:52
  Now notice that your brain is going to want to create a lot of drama around someone else's discomfort, which is going to be perpetuating our own discomfort.
• 9:00
  That's what brains do our brains think that they're keeping us safe?
• 9:03
  Right?
• 9:03
  It's saying don't do that, or you're going to feel uncomfortable, but we neglect to see that we are all ready and comfortable.
• 9:09
  And also our brains and our hearts.
• 9:10
  They really don't like seeing other people upset.
• 9:13
  So your brain is going to say that something is wrong.
• 9:16
  If somebody is disappointed in any way.
• 9:18
  Around you stating your boundary.
• 9:20
  Your brain will want to say that they are being disrespectful or that they should just smile and accept your boundary without any argument or that they should react in any other way than they are currently with their disappointment.
• 9:32
  And you know what?
• 9:33
  You don't have to like their response to you're setting a boundary.
• 9:36
  In fact, you are very much allowed to be disappointed by their disappointment.
• 9:40
  That is an option that is 100% available to you.
• 9:45
  And also coming to accept that somebody will be uncomfortable.
• 9:49
  That's okay.
• 9:51
  For someone to experience discomfort can make a huge difference.
• 9:54
  Not only in how you feel, but also around you ultimately getting what it is that you ultimately want.
• 10:00
  So I want to share with you something that Haley McGee said over on her Instagram.
• 10:04
  I love her content go and check her out, but she said"not every sad or disappointed reaction to your boundary is someone trying to disrespect your boundary.
• 10:13
  Sometimes they're just disappointed.
• 10:16
  And they're allowed to be disappointed, just like your allowed to have a boundary that protects your wellbeing.
• 10:22
  Both can be true at once." I love that so much.
• 10:26
  So if you want your feelings to be acknowledged and seen as valid, when you set a boundary.
• 10:32
  Then you must also acknowledge the other's disappointment and view their disappointment as an emotion that is valid.
• 10:40
  I mean, really, when you think about it, you probably had to state a boundary in the first place because something was going on that you felt uncomfortable with.
• 10:47
  You were already experiencing discomfort and you were wanting to validate that discomfort by letting the other person know that you needed to put a boundary in place.
• 10:55
  That discomfort can move us to action and help us to keep ourselves safe.
• 10:59
  Right.
• 10:59
  And it can also help us to deepen our connection in relationship by sharing those things authentically.
• 11:04
  And it's okay for us to experience that discomfort And also it's a good thing to acknowledge that the other person, they probably felt pretty comfortable with how things are already going.
• 11:14
  They probably actually didn't even see any need for change at all.
• 11:18
  Which is why you were the one who had to bring it to the table.
• 11:21
  They didn't even know that you had a problem until you brought it up.
• 11:24
  They were pretty comfortable with the status quo.
• 11:26
  So, for example, the mother-in-law was pretty comfortable with coming over unannounced.
• 11:31
  The teen was pretty comfortable with getting away with blowing off curfew and the spouse was pretty comfortable with letting wifey do all of the cleaning up and when they are told that the things that we're working for them are not working for you and they aren't going to be happening anymore because you're setting a boundary.
• 11:48
  Yeah.
• 11:48
  They're probably going to be experiencing some disappointment or possibly some defensiveness.
• 11:53
  And in fact it makes sense if the roles were reversed and you didn't know it was a problem, and somebody came to you and had to set a boundary around something, you would probably also feel.
• 12:02
  A little bit defensive and a little bit disappointed and that's okay.
• 12:07
  These are probably the most likely emotions to arise.
• 12:10
  Disappointment is a part of life and it's okay.
• 12:13
  Remember that navigating other people's discomfort often starts with learning how to navigate our own discomfort and being okay with people, just experiencing the emotion of discomfort.
• 12:24
  By setting boundaries and allowing both parties to experience discomfort, then we can actually create more positive change and healthier and more authentic and meaningful connections with others.
• 12:35
  And remember that while we cannot ever get rid of discomfort altogether, we can actually shorten its duration by actually being a little bit more proactive about letting people know when we're feeling a little bit uncomfortable and actually setting those boundaries.
• 12:49
  We can shorten the duration of our own experience with disappointment.
• 12:54
  So thank you so much for listening and remember that you are not alone on this journey.
• 12:58
  And also speaking of not being alone on this journey, if this episode has been helpful for you and you want to learn more about how to stop people pleasing and how to navigate your own emotions, when you do have to set a boundary and as you're learning how to stop people pleasing, then I encourage you to come and register for my free event happening on April 19th.
• 13:17
  This is going to be a live virtual event.
• 13:20
  And while it is free, you do need to come and register so that you can get access to the zoom link and more importantly to the replay so that you can come and revisit the information anytime that you need to.
• 13:30
  So the link to register for this event is in the show notes.
• 13:33
  That's going to be happening later this week.
• 13:35
  So, yeah, come and hang out with me.
• 13:37
  I would love to see you there.
• 13:39
  All right.
• 13:39
  Well, I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 13:41
  Bye now.