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Beyond the Portfolio: Why Relationships Matter in Retirement · Retire and Thrive

• 0:00
  Welcome back to another edition of Retire and Thrive podcast
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  where we help retirees and pre retirees live their life with
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  purpose, wealth and confidence. Good afternoon, Cody.
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  Good afternoon. How are you?
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  I'm doing well. Good, good, good, good.
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  The weather has turned beautiful.
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  Love it. Best time of the year in
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  Minnesota. How about golf?
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  Have you gotten in much golf? Couple times, but I'm very
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  eagerly putting more golf on the schedule, Not during work hours,
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  maybe during work hours, but because it is getting nice out.
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  And there's something about Minnesota, you know, people say
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  Minnesota nice, and I think it has a lot to do with when the
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  weather gets nice. Or not people, I thought.
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  Minnesota night, people. Get really happy when the
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  weather is nice, especially coming out of the winter.
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  So I think that has a lot to do with it.
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  But that's just my own conspiracy, So.
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  But anyways, yeah, very excited. Yeah, I got it last week too.
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  It was just absolutely gorgeous, so.
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  Well, I'm excited for this conversation too, because we've
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  been talking over the last handful of weeks about the five
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  perspectives in this booklet. And we've got this booklet
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  attached as a, as a link on the video here.
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  And so if you want to go take a look at it, then that's great.
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  I think it's very useful. But it's the five perspectives
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  and we've gone through some good ones already.
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  We've done that. The Tuesday question, the
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  identify yourself question in the energy audit, which leads us
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  to #4 today, right? So #4 we're talking a little bit
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  about your inner circle. Who are you closest with?
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  And I think this is just such a fun one to look at because it's
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  not always easy. Because when you're working,
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  they talk about in this booklet, the five people or the seven
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  people or 6, whatever the number is that you spend the most time
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  with is kind of what shapes your, your your lifestyle
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  leading up to retirement. People you hang out with the
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  most, usually your family and your Co workers.
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  So sometimes it's hard to to establish or no, I know you got
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  a few good friends as time goes on, but who do you really want
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  it to be? So I'm excited to hear a little
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  bit of your perspective on that and and what that that inner
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  circle really means you think is you're approaching retirement.
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  Yeah. And and I, I mentioned this
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  before we have started, I have started to offer workshops for
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  retirement coaching and we get into this type of stuff.
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  I mean retirement coaching workshop has nothing to do with
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  money and everything to do with what retirement looks like and
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  kind of designing that ideal retirement.
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  And but yeah, when when I think about the inner circle, one of
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  the things we talked about Cody in the workshop is exactly what
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  you just said, that oftentimes your closest friends or
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  colleagues become your friends and that is your identity.
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  It's not just, you know, one of the exercises we go through is
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  an exercise, we call it the I am exercise and put I am.
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  And then we have people write like 5 things.
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  And oftentimes it's like I am a supervisor, I am a manager, I am
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  a financial advisor. And what we often find is when
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  we go through that exercise, people identify themselves as it
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  pertains to work. And so there is a little bit of
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  an identity crisis when you retire.
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  And that identity crisis is I'm associated with my employer.
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  This is what I've done for 30 years.
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  And so when you have that removed, not only is your
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  identity challenged, but also the people you hang with, it's
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  like, well, we always went to lunch every Wednesday the the,
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  the core group of us. And now that's gone.
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  And so this, this particular perspective, I think is one of
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  the most relevant because the people you hang with will
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  ultimately determine your success in retirement.
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  Not talking financially here, but in terms of your energy,
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  talking about the Tuesday, I mean all of those things that we
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  talked about in the previous three episodes tie into your
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  inner circle. Yeah, no, it's, it's a, it's a
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  fun thing to talk about because then you're just talking about
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  who, who are the friends that I want to hang out with and what
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  do they do? Because I like to do those
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  things too. So it's it's good to kind of,
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  you know, we talked about audit in the last conversation.
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  It's good to kind of audit your friends and who you want them to
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  be. It doesn't have to be who am I
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  hanging out with the most? Because again, a lot of times
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  that's Co workers. Quick question, does family
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  count? It does.
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  You know. Do they count from?
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  5 or the seven you know, do they?
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  Count it, it family definitely counts.
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  And, and, and let me just elaborate.
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  I mean a little personal and you hear Cody, I feel like, and
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  again, this is my opinion. I'm not saying it's the right
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  answer, but I look at every relationship I'm in in one of
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  three categories, either deep meaningful relationship or it's
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  a limited association or it's a no association.
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  And so it made me think of that. When you talk about family, I'm
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  the youngest of six kids and I would say my five siblings
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  scattered throughout the country, very, very different in
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  all aspects of their life. They're very different in their
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  career choices. They're very different in their
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  political views, they're very different in their lifestyles.
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  But yet once a year we put that aside and we all come together
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  for the weekend, which will be coming up here in just just a
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  month. And we just have a great time.
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  And so we kind of look beyond what sometimes can be, you know,
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  challenging discussions, but again, a lot of heightened
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  discussions over politics and lifestyles and things like that.
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  But at the end of the day, you know, family is family.
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  So are they part of the five or part of the seven?
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  You know, that's up to you. I mean, you, you, you, you made
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  reference and, and again, I'm going to go personal on you for
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  a minute and you're, you're happy to touch on this if you
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  want. You made reference to your
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  brother last week about your brother's a handyman.
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  You're not. But I think it's fair to say
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  your relationship has changed over the last five to 10 years
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  from what it used to be. Yeah.
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  And if you want to share a little bit about that because
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  that's that's really no different than what we deal
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  with, whether it's a sibling or whether it's a Co worker.
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  Yeah, no, it's, it's 100% different because he used to
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  live right down the road from me and we'd be able to see each
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  other all the time and we loved it.
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  He ended up moving to a different state, not too far
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  away, but just makes it harder logistically to get back
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  together. I wish it was different, but it
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  makes it so that we're more intentional when we are together
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  and it makes it obviously that much more enjoyable because it's
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  like, oh, we're good to be back together.
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  But I asked about that because, yeah, my brother, he lives a
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  state over and so not super easy to connect with, at least in
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  person all the time. But my fortunately my parents
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  are very close. My in laws are very close and
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  fortunately we love hanging out with both of those groups.
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  So that's a really good thing. But you know, I look at their
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  lifestyle one side, one of the, the families has friends that
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  are all very, very close in proximity to him in my, my, my
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  parents have friends that are close, but they're best friends
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  are literally in, in Pennsylvania and Colorado and
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  Idaho and Utah and, and across the States and so a little bit
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  different. And again, my mom, my mom is
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  still in her working years, but a little bit different.
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  But I think it's important to not only figure out who you want
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  your five to be, but where is that right?
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  And and how does that really shape your retirement as well?
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  Yeah, I, I, I don't know if that was a question, but I do want to
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  comment on that because, you know, I don't do the detailed
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  financial planning that you and the rest of the team do, but I'm
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  in meetings where I see this and you're exactly right.
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  I mean, if you talk about your parents and they've got very
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  close friends that are in different states, I mean, it,
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  it, it's not like let's just drive over to their house and,
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  and, and get together and play cards.
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  It's like it's a planned event and it involves travel and
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  hotel, potentially hotels and rental cars and everything.
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  So certainly there's an expense involved in that.
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  And I think it's important for people to recognize that if you
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  decide or if you have deep meaningful relationships that
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  geographically are not close, maybe that's part of your
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  financial plan. Do you agree with that?
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  Yeah, no, absolutely. And and you got to anticipate
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  those expenses, right, Your lifestyle changes, which maybe
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  incorporates more hotels and flights or whatever the case may
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  be. And and hopefully somewhere more
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  tropical than Pennsylvania or Colorado, but obviously they got
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  their destinations too. But I think it is a big part of
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  it and and being realistic with yourself about the actual
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  expense of what that may be. You know, a lot of people think
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  of healthcare as a major expense.
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  It truly is in retirement, but so is the fun and the lifestyle
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  and, and we want to make sure we're building that out.
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  And that might not just be down the road.
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  It might be a very common travel environment that you're living
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  in, which is fun. So it's a good thing to, to kind
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  of predict in that manner. But going back to last week, we
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  talked about the audit of, of what you enjoy and what your
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  energy should be spent on and, and also eliminating what's not.
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  I mean, maybe this is a touchy subject, but is it important to
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  not only figure out who you want to be with, but maybe who you
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  don't want to spend as much time with?
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  And, and, and maybe that drains your energy a little bit more
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  and, and how do you go about doing that?
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  Minnesota nice, right? I mean, I know all of our
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  viewers are in Minnesota, but we're used to a lot of people up
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  here that are just friendly. And how do you kind?
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  Of navigate that's true. And, and, and my personal
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  opinion is and, and again, it's my opinion only.
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  I feel like when it comes to relationships, and I did mention
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  this at the energy audit last week where we talked about
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  people that inspire you or, or give you energy, but it's the
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  same thing with your inner circle.
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  I mean, if you're in, in a stage in life where you want to
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  continue to grow, whether that's spiritually, whether that's
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  financially, whether that's physically, whatever it is that
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  you want to grow in your, your, in your path and you're hanging
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  around people that aren't interested in growing.
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  I feel like that can become challenging at times.
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  And so I think it's important not only to find people that
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  give you energy, but also people that are on the same trajectory
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  as you. You know, for me, you know, I, I
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  had a milestone a couple weeks ago.
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  And so for me to hang out with a bunch of 30 year olds, you know,
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  all every weekend and I can't keep up with.
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  I know when you're 40, it's so hard to give up when you're 30,
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  right? But but but all joking aside, it
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  is important that you find that inner circle of people that are
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  like minded, I guess is what I'm trying to say and that do have
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  the same outlook over the course of the next 5-10, twenty years.
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  And I would say the same thing with you.
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  I'm assuming that the circle that you hang around with or the
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  people that you were intentional.
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  And if you got people that are not, I mean, I've got a lot of
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  friends of mine have started to retire and they just want to
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  coast. And back to your question, I
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  don't know if friends of mine that have retired, they just not
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  Even so much coast, but they just want to do other things
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  like they could care less about working anymore.
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  And I'm kind of at this different stage of my life where
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  I'm still trying to grow and I'm trying to build something and we
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  just spend less time together. It doesn't mean that there's no
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  association, but the commonality, the things that
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  we're, we're, we're we're focused on over the three, five
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  years is just different. What I think it's unique because
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  you can have your Co worker still part of that, you know,
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  group somebody that you worked with for 30 years, if you've
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  been with a company for a really long time.
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  So that's common to keep that. But typically you're hanging out
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  with that individual or group at the work setting.
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  And again, we've talked about it before.
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  People are different outside of work and different
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  personalities. That person you enjoy working
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  with or talking with and hanging out with during the day may have
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  a very different lifestyle when they're at home and, and, and
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  they enjoy staying at home and doing painting or arts or
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  reading or whatever. Where maybe you're, I want to go
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  golfing or I want to go on a, an extravagant trip or to a safari.
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  I mean very, very different lifestyles.
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  And so I think it's helpful to give yourself permission to say
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  I don't have to hang out with the same people too, although it
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  got me to where I'm at and I enjoyed all of it.
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  It's OK to say we just have different interests and then
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  stay in touch, you know, kind of thing.
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  So, and it's hard for Minnesotans, you know, it's hard
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  to just be, and a lot of people, not just Minnesotans, but it's
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  hard to just be like, hey, I just don't see you as much
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  anymore. And so my time is spent doing
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  the things I really love and care about, which is likely
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  family, travel, your close friends kind of thing.
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  Right. I think I don't know if you want
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  to talk about anything else, but one of the things that's kind of
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  on my mind as I think about the inner circle, as we talked about
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  a lot of these people are people that you Co workers that you
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  work with and then you retire. I think it's really important
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  and I use this word a lot, is that you are intentional with
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  who you hang with, not just by default.
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  I'm going to go golfing and I'll just hang with those people or
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  I'm in men's league and I'll just hang with those people or
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  whatever it might be. It's just if you're not
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  intentional with the people that you want to hang with, you'll
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  end up by default of who's around.
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  And so my suggestion is that when you do retire, be
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  intentional. I mean, it kind of reminds me
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  of, you know, when I did my very first retirement coaching
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  workshop, I did kind of a pilot study and we went through like 3
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  or 4 sessions and I was just trying to get a feeling for what
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  people were looking for. But as a result of these three
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  meetings, what was interesting, at the very end, one of the one
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  of the guys made the comment, he said, you get to, to to the
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  remaining eight people. There's nine people on this
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  pilot. He said, you realize what's
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  happening here and everybody's like, what do you mean?
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  And he said, Dan has created a tribe here.
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  And I kind of question, I said, elaborate on the tribe.
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  And he said not one of us knew who anybody else.
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  I mean, all nine of us were different.
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  We didn't know anybody. And he said after meeting 3,
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  we're exchanging phone numbers, we're hearing about their
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  stories. And he said we're all in the
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  same boat. We all are fairly newly retired.
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  We're just trying to find those people, our inner circle, if you
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  will. No, that's, that's absolutely
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  true. And it's, it's people in that
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  scenario who are asking the same questions and they have the same
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  concerns and they have the same worries.
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  It's so easy to become relatable to, to somebody next to you
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  who's got that same question. So building that comfortability
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  or friendship, it's really a lot easier when you're with like
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  minded people asking the same questions or, or experiencing
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  the same experiences. So I love that you do that
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  coaching program and it's just really half of it is to help
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  people understand and feel comfortable approaching that
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  stage of their life. But half of it is building that
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  community. And I think that's, that's huge.
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  And so I got 2 follow up questions for you here as we
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  wrap up. We've talked about family.
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  They count. Will you decide if they count or
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  not? They're likely going to count,
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  but do you recommend counting pets?
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  And do you recommend getting a pet as you approach retirement?
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  Interested to hear. Your father, Yeah, that's.
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  I might be the absolute worst person to ask.
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  And, and and I'll tell you my perspective.
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  I know. The answer to that?
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  Already. Well, I'll tell you my
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  perspective. My perspective only all three of
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  my kids have pets. In fact, I'm going to give a
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  shout out to my oldest because they ended up getting a pet a,
• 15:14
  a, a gold, a miniature goldendoodle, just super cute,
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  super funny, lots of energy. And when I was visiting them,
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  they're down in Arizona when I was visiting them a month ago
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  they said we're thinking of getting a second one and I'm
• 15:29
  like, are you crazy? I mean, you talk about all the
• 15:32
  challenges you have sort of a Long story short is they went
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  back to the breeder and not necessarily even get a second
• 15:41
  dog, 'cause I kind of talked him out of it.
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  I said it's just a lot of work for you.
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  I mean, yeah. And so the breeder
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  coincidentally had the sister of their dog that had been returned
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  to the breeder. And so now they have two dogs
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  for my milestone. All three of my kids were
• 15:58
  together and we were in Sedona, AZ and there were, there were
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  four dogs at this Airbnb. So I may be the wrong person to
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  ask should you get a dog or a cat or whatever it might be.
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  But here's what I will tell you from my experience.
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  I'll tell you my personal experience is that we had a dog
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  when the kids were younger and all through elementary high
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  school and it was absolutely beautiful.
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  They, they did, they loved that dog.
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  I liked the dog. It was a great dog.
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  And then after the kids, you know, left, went on to college,
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  I would say a few years later the dog passed away at like 14
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  years old. So I think, I think dogs are
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  great. I love dogs.
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  I, I can't speak for cats cause I've never owned a cat, but I
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  will specifically say for dogs, I think it's a great thing
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  approaching retirement. My biggest thing about
• 16:48
  approaching retirement 'cause I don't have a dog anymore, I
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  don't ever anticipate having a dog.
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  I do like dogs, but the challenge for people retiring is
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  it definitely limits your mobility.
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  And so I don't know how many times we build out a financial
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  plan and what's the one additional item that gets built
• 17:05
  in travel. OK.
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  And it's crazy to me to hear what people pay to take them to
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  boarding places or whatever. I mean, it's just like that's
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  more than I typically pay for a hotel and pending that for your
• 17:19
  dog. So to answer your question, I
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  think it really depends. I mean, if you are going to
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  retire and you're going to stay kind of stationary and you're
• 17:25
  not going to do a lot of travel. And I'd say yeah, if that's
• 17:27
  important to you, yeah. What's your take on?
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  It's, it's awesome and it's, it's funny that you, you bring
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  those things up because it's going through my head.
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  My, my thought obviously is I don't want it to limit the
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  travel for somebody who's, who's approaching retirement because
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  you can't do as much. I mean, we've, we've got a dog
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  as well and you can't go as many places.
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  It's a lot of work, but it sounds like your, your family
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  was able to bring all their dogs to their Airbnb.
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  So it's an option, it's possible.
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  So that's good. We also have the other end of
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  the, you know, spectrum where it's they can keep you active,
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  which going on walks and, and going to the dog park and doing
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  some things and maybe creating a community with people at the dog
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  park. That could be helpful too.
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  But yeah, I tell you what, it's it's definitely a commitment.
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  It's not a child, but it's close to it.
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  But we've got clients who don't have pets.
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  And just a quick story, they don't have pets, but they take
• 18:22
  up part of their travel strategy as I don't remember the online
• 18:27
  website, but they can be pet sitters for people and they will
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  intentionally pick exotic locations to be a pet sitter
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  while that family is gone on vacation somewhere else.
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  So they'll go to, you know, Texas or Florida or Arizona to
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  babysit a pet and get their flight and their their lodging
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  for free 'cause they're at this person's house.
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  And so they're going to animals to enjoy the the company of the
• 18:51
  animals, but I don't have any of their own.
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  So it was just a quirky question.
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  I figured I'd throw it out there.
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  And I had no idea where that would go.
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  But we're obviously pet lovers. But it does limit some of your
• 19:01
  availability to go places. Very, very legitimate.
• 19:05
  I do want to wrap this up and say one last thing.
• 19:07
  I, I think that it's really important that that I say this
• 19:09
  when we talk about your inner circle.
• 19:12
  There's been lots and lots of studies done about relationships
• 19:16
  and I think we, I, I think about inner circle and part of writing
• 19:18
  this was the importance of that inner circle.
• 19:23
  Relationships do matter. And I know you've talked about
• 19:26
  being an introvert versus an extrovert.
• 19:28
  And some people want to just go home and do their thing as other
• 19:30
  people need to be wrong people. I don't think it really matters.
• 19:33
  What does matter is that you have meaningful relationships in
• 19:37
  your life. And the longest running study
• 19:40
  has been done by Harvard University and you can go on
• 19:43
  YouTube and I, I don't remember the exact headline, if it's
• 19:47
  relationships or the importance of relationships or the key to
• 19:49
  happiness or whatever, but it's a great 12 minute video.
• 19:52
  We actually show the video in in our workshop, but it's been
• 19:56
  proven over and over again, Cody, that longevity is
• 20:00
  connected to relationships. So it goes back to what I said
• 20:03
  before, be intentional. If most of relationships are
• 20:06
  tied to work, it's important that you maybe join groups that
• 20:10
  you have interest in and maybe meet like minded people.
• 20:13
  But relationships do matter. Now they're they're a big part
• 20:16
  of it and I'm excited for the next episode that we're going to
• 20:21
  shoot because again, going through this booklet, I think
• 20:24
  it's perfect that it's the 5th perspective because it's talking
• 20:27
  about legacy and and, and I think there's a lot to unpack
• 20:31
  there. So I'm excited to have that
• 20:32
  conversation. But yeah, we'll TuneIn next week
• 20:36
  and get that one perfect. Great.
• 20:38
  Well, thank you for tuning into the Retire and Thrive podcast,
• 20:41
  where we bring a new episode every Friday.
• 20:44
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• 20:49
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• 20:51
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