Latest / GenX Adulting Podcast / Episode 49 - GenX Speaks Series: Coach Whitney Kell

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Episode 49 - GenX Speaks Series: Coach Whitney Kell · GenX Adulting Podcast

• 0:00
  [Music]Welcome to GenX Adulting and today we have Whitney Kel with us in the studio.Welcome Whitney. We're so happy to have you here. And our first question is alwayswhat year were you born? 1971. It's the best year. That's our year too. So welove to have our fellow GenXers that were 1971 babies because it's the best.And where were you born?
• 0:39
  Portland, Oregon.Okay and were your parents from Portland?How many generations back would you say?
• 0:47
  Grandma and Grandpa were from Portland,Oregon too. Her mom came through Canada. Okay.She's Russian. Oh wow. Yeah.
• 0:55
  So is that your mom'smom or your dad's mom? My dad's mom. So shecame from Russia over to Canada and then down toPortland and your grandfather did she meet himwhen she got to Portland? I believe so. There'scertain parts of the story. I don't haveclarity around but I did my ancestry.com and I'm 1%Icelandic. Oh cool. Nice.
• 1:15
  And then what aboutyour mom's parents? Well that's a little more shady.Okay. Mom was brought up in foster care. Okay soyou're not sure. I know her mom but her mom washaving a good time so she had three daughterswith three different men. Okay and is this all inPortland? It was all in Portland.
• 1:35
  Okay. That'swhere it all happens right Nicole?
• 1:37
  Oh definitely.Full disclosure, Whitney and I went to highschool together. We weren't besties in high school. Ourhigh school was the largest high school inOregon at the time. So we had a huge graduating classand lots of kids but we did know each other. Wejust didn't hang in the same groups but I know weprobably were at some similar parties together.So what's cool about this as a side note is we'rekind of reconnecting midlife and reallygetting to know each other for the first time and Iwe did have we went to lunch before a couplemonths ago and it was awesome.
• 2:11
  Yeah. It was soawesome just to really get to know you so andwe're so happy that you're here to share yourstory because even though I knew you then Ididn't know you. Right. Yeah well we didn't even knowourselves right. Yeah I thought Nicole was thispopular cheerleader. And I wasn't a cheerleader.So we definitely didn't know each other.
• 2:30
  Okay so how did your parents meet?Mom and dad how did they meet? GoshI have no idea. That is such a good question. Icannot believe I don't know the answer to that.Do you know how old they were when they met?20s. Okay. Yeah. And did they get married? Yeah. Andare you their only child? My sister is 16months older than me. Morgan.
• 2:57
  Morgan lives inOcala and Tennessee. Okay so Irish twins you guyswere very close together 16 months. Yeah. Okay sothey got married. Do you know what your daddid? My dad was a cop. All right and was your mom astay-at-home mom or did she work? She did nails.Okay so she hustled. But she stayed stay-at-homemom mostly. No I think she did nails after thewe started to get older but I don't remember herworking when I was young but in all fairness Idon't remember a ton of my childhood. Okay. Forvery specific reasons I suspect.
• 3:30
  Okay did thatstart okay so when they were married and they hadyou your dad's a cop your mom's home in thebeginning raising you and your sister. You guysgo to elementary school you think that's aroundthe time she probably started working outside thehome doing nails. Well okay so one of mygirlfriends is very intuitive psychic and she touched my neckshe's like what is this what is this she goeswhat happened between the ages of five and sixwhere your father no longer felt safe having youalone with your mother. Okay so between the agesof five and six what what what grade are wein? That's kindergarten. Okay so that's when themarriage ended. Okay so are you there was physicalabuse? So what happened was we were all at WillamettePark and we were at the police picnic and whenmy dad came back to find me and my sister I thinkshe was passed out and I was missing so theytook all the cops and they split up and they got outinto the park to find me and apparently I was onthe other side of the park by the water. Oh my goshand my father no longer safe having me alone withmy mother and it was funny because my girlfrienddid this reading for me and I typed it up andsent it to my dad with lots of detail I recorded itand my dad said yeah this is what happened. Ohwow. Wow. And that's when he realized my mom was analcoholic. Okay so your mom was an alcoholic. Sothey separated when I was. Okay so those formativeyears of zero to five when you were with yourmom she was probably drinking.
• 5:00
  I think it happenedgradually because we had some good time she madeall of our clothing they were very happy seemingfor a long time and then I remember my dadpunching a hole in the wall.
• 5:10
  I remember my momgot a DUI. Okay. Yeah I started to have moments ofdistressful memories. Okay was he an alcoholic orhave any substances? You know I would imaginegrandma and grandpa you know we go to grandmaand grandpa's house I don't know if you guys hadthe same kind of grandma and grandpa but they werealways smoking cigarettes and drinking bourbonand coke. That was it was like full in the closet.So I mean my dad was a cop and my sister justshared a story because my cousin's my dad justpassed away in October and my sister justshared a story with all our cousins it brought us allcloser once a month we do a cousin call. That'sawesome. It's so fun. That's a great idea. And mysister told me that she told everybody in thetruck my dad was driving he stuck a beer betweenher legs. So you know my dad was like I guesswhen were we brought up we were brought up inthe 70s so I'm gonna guess that drinking beerwhile you're driving in your own house. Roadies.Roadies everyone had a roadie and it was verynormal. I know that we were around that and asfar as the cigarettes smoke everyone smoked in thehouse in the car. With the windows closed. Oh yeahwe were yeah secondhand smoked babies 100percent. Okay so your parents divorced.
• 6:18
  Yeah do you andyour they first separated and they lived in thehouse that I was raised in on Leahy Road. Okayand my dad moved into the basement.
• 6:27
  Interestingso they're still existing in the same home underthe same roof. How long did that go on for? Ithink a year my mom had parties.
• 6:36
  My mom was aparty girl I don't know if you remember our partieswhen we were young. I think when we were teenagersI feel like I was there. Well we'll get there butyeah yeah yeah. So when I was really young my momwas already a partier. Okay so she wouldthrow parties and my dad was down in the basementlistening to Barbara Streisand and you knowI think he was in love with her and he was sodisappointed that she turned out not to be thekind of person that he'd hoped for because shewas beautiful and fun. My mom was so much fun.Yeah so probably so that's just an interestingthing to picture is your dad is kind ofdownstairs in his own world and then upstairs is thiscompletely other world of partying and he musthave been going through it for sure. I imagine.So then when the year was up did he move out?Yeah he did. And then did you girls stay with yourmom or go with him? Oh yeah he took us. I doremember my mom took off to Palm Springs orsomething and then he just took us and I didn'tsee my mom again for until I turned 14. Oh wow.Okay so like from seven to fourteen probablybecause if they were together for a year underdid they divorce officially?
• 7:45
  Yeah. Okay sothen you lived with your dad still in Beaverton?Yeah he was across the street from Cedar Mill.Okay. We were on Cornell Road.
• 7:56
  All right so youand your sister are now living with your dad sodid you go to um what was the elementary was itCedar Mill? Mm-hmm. And then you didn't go toCedar Park though right? Yeah.
• 8:06
  Okay so you were atCedar Park okay so we were at the same junior high.Yeah we were at the same senior.
• 8:10
  Okay so when you werewith your dad did he remarry?
• 8:12
  He did. Now on thelast cousin call we had a couple women were shownin their photos and they still know thesewomen and they were the girlfriend of my father.And I slightly remember them but not really.Yeah yeah. And I heard they were really nicenice women but my dad married my step-monsterJudy who is a narcissist.
• 8:35
  And you know he justpassed away in October and she told me thatshe wasn't gonna have she told all of us that shewasn't gonna have his funeral till the spring.But my cousins saw the announcement because theystill live in Portland and so well it was insisters but they saw the announcement.
• 8:51
  Yeah yeah.And so we went me and my cousins went to thefuneral uninvited unannounced and kind of shockedeverybody. It was so fun. It was it was it was umyou know those feelings of like oh my gosh yeah yeahand then there she is and I she never said oneword. So you guys didn't talk or anything? No andyou know I think about it could have been sodifferent. Yeah. So the issue is she's a narcissistyou have a narcissistic parent co-parent inthe house and I'm sure there was no way for yourfather to control her if she was a narcissist inthe way she treated you guys I assume. Right welland when I listened to him he was a chaplain forthe police department for over 20 years. So thefirst responders all talked on his behalf.There was no one from his family at the funeral thatwrote except for the first responders and they'dsay he's a born-again Christian so Dave was therepraying praying for the families he was alwaysthere and they said he was always there whichtold me a lot. You know like it was beautifulto get my know my father through these peopleand how much they respected him. So when youwere growing up with her in the house did shealienate you guys from your father? I so yeahremember Jill Morell can I say people's names?Yeah that's okay Jill. Yeah when we did I thinkwe were one of our high school reunions I rememberher saying do you remember when your stepmomlocked us in the garage? She locked us in the basement,she put us in the we had a trailer that was parkedoutside and she put us in there too. Like she justdidn't want to have us around.
• 10:27
  Just randomlylike when you would have friends spend the night shewould then just lock you guys up. See again thememory's very limited so I didn't remember thatwhen Jill told me but I'm sure she's telling thetruth. There's certain things I do remember butfor the most part it was just really tough tonot be loved like to be with somebody who reallywishes you weren't there like treats you like itbut I just realized after the funeral she was justso unhappy you know people who hurt people hurtpeople I mean there's such truth to that. Yes butif you're dealing with narcissism in general Ifind they lack compassion and empathy. Right. Soit's hard to feel compassion and empathy forthem because they're so devoid of it and hurt peopleso deeply. So sometimes I understand hurtpeople hurt people and I do try to find empathy andcompassion for where people are coming from but Ipersonally am challenged finding it when it comesto a narcissist. What's a mental illness? Yeah sowhen you think about that I mean I've sober fromalcohol for 25 years and I think my mom wasprobably bipolar alcoholic she just didn't knowso she used alcohol instead of regular drugs tonumb and medicate I think most people have something.Well think about how when we grew up mentalillness was a bad word no one talked about mental illnessno one talked about depression.
• 11:41
  There was nomental illness. No. Oh that person has they're just alittle off. It was a stigma.
• 11:47
  Yeah. It was anabsolute stigma so whereas the Gen Z'ers talk about it likeI'm gonna go take a shower and I'm depressed andit's normal and they all support each other andthey talk about their anxiety it's a beautifulthing but for us it was like no one talks about itand certainly our parents no one talked aboutit for them so they suffered and self-medicated.Yeah. So okay so when you were in elementaryschool and junior high so your home life is thatis the way it is. Did you find any reprieve atschool? Was there a balance there or was schoolrough? It was tough too.
• 12:24
  Now I just want tosay we lived in multiple houses she had a ranchit was called Apple Hill Ranch on Ash Street. Ilived right down the street from Mark Andersondo you remember Mark Anderson?
• 12:33
  And the ranch wasamazing and the house was really cool so we hadlike she had money so it was she worked for uh12ton Hills Park and Recreation too. It's a goodjob. Yeah she was badass so there were thingsthat I'm sure and feel that are part of who I ambecause of that right there shadow and medicineand everything so to your point about it beingyou know that mental illness and not findingempathy I have found the positive for myselfbecause I've had to you know to see where have Ibenefited from that experience.
• 13:05
  Yeah so um as faras bouncing around homes that was that keptit a little interesting school was not safefor me school was a lot of bullying you know Ihave congenital defect on my hand but one of mygirlfriends who's also handicap who never gotmade fun of she's one of my besties and her husband'skind of a celebrity I'm not going to say hername but she's has a you know she walks she has awalk and a cane and she's little and no onemade fun of her in high school and she said waitI think they would have found something else tomake fun of you if it wasn't your fingers. I don'tthink that's why they did that it was because Iwas so broken inside I was abandoned by my momthat's what that was the story because my momtook off my dad kidnapped us and then we moved outand then he met this the evil step monster andwe moved in with her and um you know the storythat we create when we're little is a lot moredramatic than the one that's actually there Ibelieve not always I mean some kids have I mean Iwas fortunate not to have um a lot of sexual abusealthough I think most women have some tiny bityeah we all get exposed to it a little bit maybemen too but um you know I didn't have a lot ofviolent physical abuse most of it was emotionalso the stuff at school was scary my stepmomwouldn't let us wash our hair but once a weekso and then the clothing she had money but she wouldn't let us wear cute clothesso I would hide my clothes out in the busheswhen we lived on um Cornell and I would change myclothes so I'd leave the house in one outfit andchange my clothes and my sister saw me doing itso she started doing it and I would wake up inthe middle of the night and wash my hair becauseI was bullied at school it was really hard yeahyou know how hard it is most kids know how hard itis oh yeah and especially where we grew up too Imean I it was brutal it was I went through my ownoh my god uh sixth grade I'm not going to sayher name but because you would know who it isbut um there I'll tell you off the recordwhen this is over who it is but she bullied meso bad in sixth grade that every day I didn'tknow if I had friends or not because she wouldtell everyone to be my friend one day I think Iremember and then she would tell them not to be myfriend I think she had a mental illness because Ialways thought that maybe there was I don't knowI don't know but that year but um so just thatbrutalness of that I still remember it so and soI feel like where we grew up in Beaverton washarsh and I know Sparta where you grew up waslike brands mattered money mattered uh everyeveryone wanted to know what brand your clotheswere how much everything cost what vacations youwere going on it just was so hard to keep up andthen if you're in that situation where you havea parent that is sabotaging your life basicallyyou can only wash your hair come on I mean I dohave a question so it sounds like you and yoursister got equal treatment from her yeah itwasn't just you yeah okay my sister just isn'tas resourceful as I am um you know still inlife I love her and I'm sober for 25 yearsyeah um I was always resourceful and able tolook outside the box so I came up with all kinds ofcreative ways and then she would follow me so howdid you you said you changed clothes how did youget the clothes you changed into I just shovethem in my backpack but like where did they close wehad clothes she just wouldn't let us wear them shecontrolled every part of our life which I think isnarcissist behavior yeah so I didn't have controlover anything almost like she was competing withyou and your sister for your dad's attentionyeah I mean that's what our narcissism is isinsecurity right yeah yeah yeah but it's nextlevel when the when you're the adult in the roomand there's kids involved that's really kind offucked up obviously so that was through elementaryschool junior high did it go into high school uhwhen I turned 14 I um was given a 10-speed bicycleand I rode my bike well Rhonda Condre I don'tknow if you remember Rhonda bless you Rhonda ifyou're out there um her mom and my mom were bestfriends and she her mom had told Rhonda that um shemissed us and she wanted to see us so I jumped onthat 10-speed I got that for my 14th birthday androde my bike it was funny because the addresswas can I say the address should I not say itit's the same address okay so where we lived atthat apple hill ranch and where the address wason the he rode was the same address the samenumber and I'm into numerology so it's reallyinteresting that the numbers are the same butit wasn't far to ride yeah so I rode our rode thebike over to my mom's house she cried when shesaw me the instant she saw me and I can't imagineit was just so good to reunite to feel loved forthe first time in so long by a woman how many howmany years was that good yeah it's about seveneight years so were you you didn't even see heron holidays or anything so one of the things that happened um was that umthey uh showed us photos she got a DUI so theymade it look like she was a witch which she wasso um a hippie witch yeah yeah uh so yeah hewould show they programmed us not to want to see herbut what I found out later she was sending usstuff and they hid it from us oh my gosh so she'dbeen wanting to see us the whole time but theywouldn't they hit all I mean my stepmom actuallystuffed animals cards gifts we didn't get any ofit so and then the other yeah okay so wait let meslow down so that's the story there what wasthe so well we're just trying to figure out likeshe didn't see you for seven years so you'resaying she did try she tried she tried to sendyou stuff on your birthday christmas but theseven oh you're a mom so you can hear that youknew when she sent us of course yeah no i'mhorrified right now for your mom so and thenthe stepmom was hiding these things yeah theydidn't give them to us so was your mom not ableto go to the physical house she were at was theresome sort of restraining order or something legallya reason she couldn't i don't know well wheni when i when i went over there and met hershe's just a mess crying all the time and stuffand you know she drank so i think that maybe shedidn't do the courageous thing and then she feltless than of course she's insecure my dad's a copyou know the law but she got the house so she wasat my home that they built and then i grew up in sowhen i went over there we just bonded and shesaid hey would you move back in and i said yestomorrow wow so when we went home back home tosee miss judy yeah the love of my life and she waslike uh i said i saw my mom and she was likeoh you did and i said yeah and i'm gonna move inwith her and she goes oh that's great you can seethe relief and i said tomorrow and she said wellno we got to tell your dad and she startedlike getting uncomfortable with that but when shedropped us off tomorrow she said don't call againfor 30 days why why 30 days we didn't see my dadagain for till my mom passed away 25 years agowow so you and your sister left yeah and we're nowliving with your mom yeah and so your highschool years were with your mom but i want to say thisone part is that when i went back and said i'mleaving my sister was um she did not want to leavehow come do you think well i think that peoplewho are abused sometimes want to stay with theirabuser she loved my dad she was daddy's littlegirl so little sock home syndrome there probablyi don't know what that is it's where you startto um empathize and connect with your um captorsno that wasn't it because we we really hatedher she was like we wrote stories about her theywould scream at each other on a regular basis sothat that wasn't really it i think she just didn'twant to leave my dad and she felt abandonedby my mom she was older almost two years soshe experienced that whole situation muchdifferently so my i try to have empathy forwhere she's at in life versus what i chose as mypath so it's not easy but i do try to do that noi mean i can understand the resentment andfeeling abandoned by your mom and i'm sure you probablyhad some of that too i would assume i never didlike the therapist i had she goes can you get angryat your mom i just want you to get angry she'sraised in foster care she was raped she had allkinds of hard life i met her mom her mom was nota great person she was addicted to drugs i mean mymom got passed around foster care and she had amom so it was just like rough to get angry at my momand my mom was fucking cool like she was fun andum funny and we had so when we were sober we hadthe best time together when we drank we had alot of our time yeah did she drink with you guysoh yeah we drank and did all kinds of thingstogether in high in high school i think i was injunior high when i did i got an a plus on oneof my economics um we made these little uh peanutpeople and i sold them um i'm trying toremember the is it davis was it um mr davis that soundsfamiliar yeah are you talking about home ec itwas cedar park home ec no it's economics oh goshi don't remember i remember it was davis eric'seric you're right though eric somebody's uh sisterwas married to him anyways i love that guy he wasa football coach too he was amazing really cute andwe were just got along i don't know why he likes me but we had a great relationshipbut my mom and i stayed up all night in crystalmeth and made the peanut people and you were ineighth grade yeah i got the crystal for her toolike it wasn't like um my bestie who i will notmention since since like you said i don'tknow but um her sister's boyfriend made it in thebathtub so your bestie's sister's boyfriend mademeth in the bathtub and you knew about this andbought it and then no they gave it to us wenever had to buy anything they gave it to for free ohyeah had you done it before you did it withyour mom oh yeah so when was the first time you didcrystal meth uh probably tail end of 14 okayso that's eighth grade right yeah yeah yeah sothat's so interesting to me because i had noclue that was even an option at that age do you feelthat that was an isolated incident or was therea group of kids that were doing crystal meth thatwe were going to school with well okay so whilewe're talking about this i was thinking when wasthe first time i ever did cocaine and that wasat one of the parties we had in high school buti'd started crystal younger so because it waseasy to access and it was cheap yeah i mean it'spractically free yeah okay so yes there was agroup of people and yes i was associated with them andyes you probably know some of them yeah i just hadno friends with some of them i think some of themhave sobered up but some of the other oneshave disappeared so my assumption is they didn'ti mean that's a hard thing to get off of yeah ican't even imagine i stopped at 21 all of it butso that though crystal and coke i stopped at 21but let's not go too fast and too far because we'rein high school now we were throwing parties andi remember the first time i did cocaine with mybest friend's brother and all the older boys andthat was fun mom was out of town so but you wereokay so you did crystal meth in eighth grade youdid crystal meth with your mom to stay up and doa project yeah so she was aware of all this wellwas it did you stay up to do the project or wasthat the celebration oh that's a great questioni think it was both okay i think i had to go toschool the next day i was sweaty you know thatlook that people have after they've been up allnight yeah so yeah so and then did and then didyou continue to party with her oh yeah that waslike a normal thing oh yeah so i remember wehad a huge group of high schoolers over again youprobably know some of their names and they threw abig chunk of cocaine onto the pool table we had apool table and everybody's diving for it and we'reall digging it was so creepy i mean anybody who'sdone it and knows that feeling where you'researching for it it's an awful drug i have tosay out of all the things brian i have doneneither one of us have done coke in our whole life and sothat it's weird because we've done a lot of otherstuff you didn't do crystal meth no i never fromoregon you got out oregon yeah yeah but againlike i didn't even know that was you were innocenti always thought you were super preppy and sweeti don't view myself as preppy maybe i was doinghard drugs honey yeah maybe comparativelyspeaking yeah yeah we were innocent probably for portlandmaybe yeah because my big thing was pot mushroomsand then some acid a handful of times at gratefuldead concerts and then drinking right but youwere normal though my guess is and i don't knowyour mom but i'm guessing you have a goodrelationship with your family and you wereraised in a relatively healthy situation no notat all no to her episode yeah you'll have to listento my episode i share my story but no yourfriends with your mom i am but we a lot of healing hasgone on there and a lot of it wasn't abusive itwas emotionally mentally abusive but not i'm notmy mom okay right and that's the biggestrelationship i think we have if you look at the people and howthey respond to life when the mom is you meet aman who's got a mom who he does not have a goodrelationship with that's the worst it's achallenge i think most people are have daddy issues but ithink the mom the mother wound like yes that's thedeepest it's a it is you're right and i've got thedaddy and the mommy just all that type of shitbut um no crystal meth was not on my bingo cardthat's a new level that's a new level and i justfind it interesting to do it at such a young ageum that had to have thrown off yourperspective chemically to some degree i would think rightso um do you think my heart okay so did it didyou have physical damage from it yeah yeah i hadheart surgery five years ago and and that wasthey attributed to that well some of its congenital ihad been born with two aortic valves but theywere calcified and how fast your heart beatswhen you know you're on that stuff you know ithink i was gentler with it at the end of juniorhigh a little more uh attentive in high schoolso if i think about how frequent and the amount ofmoney that we had access to it picked up in highschool for sure okay so for your high school yearsit keeps me focused so here's the thing andlet me let me just interrupt for a sec is thatadderall is meth yes it's the exact same thingyes and i have ADHD and most people who have beenraised in a family where there has been abusethey have ADHD and they give you adderall for thatso i was just self-medicine is it is itactually chemically the same it's just cleaner becauseit's coming from the real lab instead of thebathtub you know i should look that up to get detailsbut i did it i did adderall and it's the samething it felt the same as when you did crystalmask i mean it's gentler and i didn't snort itit's cleaner i don't know if i got it i find itinteresting what you just said um a lot ofchildren from abusive situations have ADHDis there a true correlation yeah i've seen onum i'm trying to think of his name gabor matteokay he talks about ADHD being so anyonewho's had abuse or he even just talked about ummoms who are stressed in the womb yeah it youknow i think it's all connected to childhoodevery little every little thing that we have asadults 100 so through elementary school and juniorhigh and you're having all this upheaval didyou do any sports any extracurriculars or were youjust surviving i got offered to be on the trackteam okay but that would have interfered with mysmoking and my partying so i chose not to do itbut i was glad to be offered that yeah for surewas it long distance or sprint i don'tremember what he offered me i just remember the um thecoach asking me if i wanted to try out for itand i did and i got offered it but i just decidednot to do it and this was junior high um i thinkthat was high school okay so in high school thatwas my next question did you do any sports orextracurriculars or was it pardon my extracurricularit was partying was partying so and you wereone of those kids that were in the smoking sectionyeah and all of just for our younger listenersall of us in our high schools had smoking sectionsdid you guys have an active one when you guyswere there yeah i remember i just walked past itlike on school girl i just kind of looked overi was we yeah they had a little area for us likethe puppies yeah put them in the area for sureno shit for sure outside outside outside so thatnext to the school around the corner soeverybody didn't see it but yes you could walk out it wasfeels like it was by the cafeteria somethingyeah because i remember walking past it and like andi wasn't judging at all but it was more likeintimidating like i never would have gone inthere and talked to you guys because i wastotally intimidated but and i did smoke cigarettesin high school but it was social and it was likeyou know it wasn't like writing to have a cigarettein between fourth and fifth period yeah we justhadn't passed away well it was where our friendswent right right right and then you know yeahthat just felt like the social norm for me yeahyeah okay so your your extracurricular waspartying um how about school academically how did you doyou know i remember because i had been the thedrug use graduated as i went along and i remembermy accounting teacher saying whitney unlessyou're hit by a truck you better be in thisseat tomorrow so i started missing a lot ofschool and it did impact my grades but i getto see in english i say that whenever i meetpeople because there's so many people here whoare from latin america yes and i mean englishis hard yeah it's really hard i gotta see umbut i mean i didn't go to class very frequentlyso and then i remember french class pulling upin the rental car so um so i'm in uh i i gotreasonable grades let me just say that and partof it with using those drugs helped me focus andget homework done so i will give credit to i meanyeah because were you diagnosed no not until umfive years ago six years ago okay and wouldn'tyou say that's pretty true for many gen x womenthat they were overlooked the ones who had adhethat the boys got more of the attention withthat and because girls are so good at masking andgrinding through that so many girls when we weregirls didn't get diagnosed when they should havei don't know if you found that with anyone youknow i guess i would say you know your parentshad to be present for you to have somebodywho's watching over you and looking for things likethat like you didn't even know about crystal meththat wasn't even in your field because your motherwas normal and she wasn't doing those thingsso yeah my mom was not looking for things to fixright we were looking for things to suppressright right a little different so adhd wasn't even onthe radar no one asked questions it was just aboutum going to school and then you know when it cametime to graduate i dropped classes so iwouldn't graduate so you did that on purpose yeah so mystepdad was a heart surgeon he helped invent thedefibrillator so my mother married soon after wemoved in with her so we moved in with my momyeah she's on food stamps so we're on food stampsmy mom doesn't have a job she's the manicuristso she's struggling to get by so we did this thingon the bed which is funny because now i do allthis manifesting meditation we're all holdinghands on her water bed water let's just takea moment i had a water bed you had a water bedwater beds were very common for gen x theywere fun yeah they were fun and she had theseanyways so we we held hands and imaginethe man who was going to come in and save uswow that's like early manifestation my mom waspowerful she was a powerful witch she was on itin junior high she had me take photos and buildaltars for boys and i had one of the boys talkto me stephen why i probably shouldn't say hisname right anyways um but he talked to me so anywayswe did this manifesting thing on the bed andheld hands and imagined our new our new dad and shemet my stepdad at a party like two weekslater wow married him very quickly yeah jewish guyreally good man yeah decent human being um and allof a sudden we had money did you move in with himno my mom just got to keep her house i'm sureit was a struggle i don't know what was reallygoing on there with the house but she rented outmost of the home but did you with the new stepdaddid he move into that house um he was in lahis his base was in marina del rey so we ended upmoving there part time and then moving back idon't know that they ever really long time livedtogether i don't remember that presence of him inour life for a long time until we moved to marinadel rey and then he died oh no okay so whileyou're in high school she's married to this guybut he's in marina del rey she's traveling allthe time all they did was travel so hence why youcould probably have parties a lot because shewasn't around right and then let me tell you whatmy sister and i figured out so she locked herbedroom door so while she's gone my sister andi got that doorknob off and we took it to thelocksmith and we had to make a copy of it so nowwe got a key to her drawer so the next time sheleaves town so she wasn't completely out of towni think they left for a couple days we had to putit back on yeah and then she went out of town forlike a week well we broke in and i rememberthat was the first time we smoked all her potand you know we got in big trouble and then wewatched her videos remember those 70s videos likechicken ball chicken ball yeah yeah yeah yeahyeah we had our friends over we went in there andwatched her born how i learned how to give a bluejob so yeah um that was definitely fun okay so youhad access because she was traveling she was withher new husband so you guys so um okay so you getto the end of high school so it's called thesunset house by the way we were yeah i went to partiesthere yeah he's in the backyard yeah i rememberbrady i won't say his last name jumping off theback of the because you know everything was ona half acre there we have all this property andhe jumped because the cops came and he had thekeg and jumped off the back was running with the kegi mean you were so crazy i feel like i becausenow that i can see it i can see walking parkingwalking walking around to the back right kegs arethere i remember this what a trip this is a tripit's bringing it all back you called your houseit was the sunset house yeah well they tagged ityou had so many parties i mean yeah when you getaway with that many and we had the beavos over thebeaverton guys yes we always stack the deckit was always a party did you ever have umjesuit guys over i went to the jesuit promokay so you were you were came there too okay yeahthe guy's last name is was my first name okayyeah all right all right so well i mean see eightiescoke is i mean this very normal coke was presentwere you doing coke no i never have done i don'tknow how i the guy was dating do you rememberchico of course okay so that was my high schoolsweetheart oh i still follow him on facebooksame so we dated i loved him he's a great guyvery great guy um we dated from springsophomore year of me because he was a year olderthrough my freshman year beginning my freshmanyear college so we were like together a long timewow he you just got in on the that the tail endyeah she got and then she goes cool chico's goodpeople i mean his brother he had a brother yeahhe was my age right oh it was no no we're the sameage okay but was chico's older chico's older andwhat's chris he's older okay yeah yeah chico isthe baby okay there was four of them wow um allboys yep um they lived in what was that neighborhoodoak ridge i know something i remember him beingvery popular and that's why i tied you to that tothat right yes yeah yeah so in a different waythan i was popular right right of course yeah sobut that way but i wasn't a cheerleader but morenormal people she was normal i was i was a normiei was a normie but i don't think that groupat least he didn't do coke and i don't feelbecause remember buddha all those guys um scottall those guys i don't think they if they did ithe didn't so i didn't maybe they did it but itwasn't around so it was more that wasn't their vibethat wasn't their vibe there were more athletesright no yeah i mean he ran yeah maybe they werethey had this big trailer maybe they played socceryeah oh well actually i've been talking to him onfacebook too he's in germany or somewhere andhe's very into personal development he's got a greatfamily he seems like a great guy yeah noeveryone like vinod remember vinod like all those guysthey're so nice see those were like the athletejason were actually normal no jason was a partieroh yeah but um but they all partied like thatwhole group party but i don't remember normalright yeah it was more weed and booze it wasmore weed and booze and psychedelics sometimes buti just i'm not saying it wasn't there theydidn't i just didn't see it but it's an interestingdistinction as we're talking about it asi'm thinking about what is that line betweenpeople who end up doing stuff like i did yeahand then going down that pathway versus the onesthat don't is it daddy issues is there acommonality i have no idea but it's interesting to think abouthow i mean jason was always so cool i still followjason on the plane too so it's really fascinatingi don't know i don't know if it is related tohow broke is it how broken your home is is how muchdysfunction is there i mean i know for chicohis family was very leave it to be where parentsmarried perfect family but mine wasn't i was amess so and i think with a lot of financial do youthink how do you because i always thought chicohad cat like they were abundant i don't know imean i feel like middle class we all we were alllike upper i mean my mom was on yeah but the areawas very upper middle class like no one wouldhave known that unless you told people that or yourfriends right told people but no one assumed youno one would have even thought food stamps likethat wasn't our world yeah so it was only for afew months right because my mom got right rightthen she married a rich guy we visualized a manto come into our lives and then change their lifehe did but okay so towards the end of high schoolyou said you dropped classes on purpose what wasthe motivation behind that well my stepfatherpassed away okay and whatever reason i don'tknow the laws but i was entitled to his socialsecurity um and the cutoff was when you turn 18or you graduate high school so i droppedclasses because i was going to graduate high schoolbefore i turned 18 okay so you kind of boughtsome extra time financial decision yeah it was afinancial decision it was 985 a month and iremember one of my friends jolly i'll just sayher first name she was crying and because she hadthe same situation but didn't want that right umand she was upset and i remember her saying butyou wanted to do it and i was like i'm not going tograduation either why do you care like i didn'tcare but there was a financial benefit and i got250 a month from my mom for the child supportthat my dad got that my dad gave her okay so iwas making 1200 1100 a month in high schoolliving off my sister's couch okay so that's whati was gonna ask so you you did you even go toschool spring semester yeah of course i did idid elective classes okay so school ends weall graduate you don't go to graduation you don'tgraduate what do you what do you do do you get ajob where did you live um so i did have it i'vealways had a job i was always good at gettingjobs i got a job when i was 15 years old i gotmy workers permit um but i worked at winchlestoneit's down from sunset high school and i'll neverforget working there and all my friends wouldcome in and i'd give them free whatever and they weregoing to sabbie's island and i was working yeahi've been working since i was 15 years old andi remember my mom coming down to see me whilei'm mopping the floor and she peed her pantsshe was laughing so hard that i was moppingfloors for somebody else oh my gosh but i wasjust so tired of her controlling my moneysituation so yeah i worked and then i'll neverforget this other guy that i met at burgerking while i was working at the drive-thruhad so many jobs i got fired from almost everyjob i had when i was young why um my mouth usuallyprobably my mom used to say um your personalityis your birth control okay you know tell me whatto do try it on right see what happens okay so uhburger king made the cutest guy i can't rememberwhat high school he went to but he knew alot of sunset people and his name was bradand brad had a lot of friends brad wasselling marijuana and i had in my own apartmentand i think i was getting that child supportbut i um i had my own apartment and i was the onlyperson who had their own place of course yeah andall these kids came over and stayed the night atmy place and i had to leave because i had to goto work so they're all passed out i leave and comeback and the heat is turned up so high it isboiling hot in my apartment i'm like oh my godi just paid for oh no the whole day so yeahyeah so how long were you living in that apartmentand kind of had that where you wereworking and living in that apartment about a yearand then where did you go um so i went to uhcommunity college did that i did was at mesafor a while and then i feel like i moved touh palm desert my mom moved to palm desert ohthat's right okay so no no so while i was in uhcollege in mesa this is arizona right uh no thisis mesa la mesa where's that the mesa's in sandiego okay so i'm sorry i i'm so sorry let me putthis story together i think my timeline getsokay so see so after graduation you're living in anapartment living in an apartment i met a guy youmet a guy and i moved to do you remember sarah yesyes i met a guy that she knew there were twinbrothers and i met one of her friends a pizza huti was working pizza hut and i ended up datinghim and moving to um crawfordsville illinoisedwardsville edwardsville and crawfordsvilleso i lived in edwardsville and crawfordsvillecrawfordsville was first okay he was going tocollege out there and i lived with him and thenwe moved to southern illinois university and theni was done i knew that that relationship was overand ended up moving to palm desert then i movedback to the west coast so i did have a i forgotabout you went to illinois yes and palm desertwhere is is that that is in uh palm springs palmsprings so what made you go there so um iremember when i was ready to leave that relationship andhe promised me that he'd drive me across thecountry but he wouldn't so i drove myself allby myself i drove from illinois it was s-i-u-earea and i sold real estate there by the way andworked at a pizza hut and a bowling alley i meani was a hustler i always worked yeah working girlyeah um i learned good values with that forsome reason because my mom didn't yeah judy mystepmother okay so that's where like there'sthings that come if you can find them i feellike that's where she gave me the good work ethicso i moved from uh from illinois yeah back to palmsprings and my mom goes oh yeah i need a carshe's oh good you have a car come here and i wanted togo back to oregon because she had the whole houserented out but her little sweet yeah well why cani go to oregon she was well i need a car come comehere so i went and i'm not sure if when i turn myface like this by the way if that's gonna bea problem okay no you're good you're good so idrove back to palm springs and she lived in thislittle court where i immediately got in troublefor driving too fast because i was young i gotjobs right away there all the girls did crystalmeth at the cocktail waitress thing that's howthey stayed skinny okay oh i fit right in wereyou a cocktail waitress i was a cocktail waitressat um uh sessles zeldas those were the popular imean i met scott bayou you know all the popularyoung whatever was it like a bar like a restaurantnightclubs nightclubs where they did thisweird thing that they'd have you hustle the clientslike okay you bring this this round of shotsyeah and you drop them off and then you look at theperson who looks like he's got money and you'relike i don't know who ordered these but it's 42or whatever it was it was back then it was rightright and so you'd hustle the customers and i didnot like that it was not clean energy for methat even back then was a little much for me yeahbut it was the most popular nightclub and allthe cool people went there and famous people so iworked there for a while and then i realized ithink that was mafia okay it was interesting yeahi didn't realize there was mafia out there ohi think there's mafia everywhere you look forit here yeah yeah there is so so how long wereyou there in palm desert yeah uh we were therefor a year so we stayed there for a year um andyou lived with your mom well i lived with her fora little while and our drinking escalated and sodid our physical fights so there was a moment wherewe physically got into a fight um maybe that wasthat was actually san diego so we moved back tosan diego together so it got so hot in palmsprings i just remember it got so hot we decided to movetogether so we left palm springs and we decidedto go over the mountain to san diego it's like atwo-hour drive so we moved to san diego to atrailer park she had a motorhome and we lived inthat motorhome together she just had a motorhomein san diego just randomly no she bought it whenshe went to um she left oregon because it was sorainy while i was in illinois okay she left oregonokay she went to palm springs and she bought amotorhome oh so when you drove there you drovethe motorhome to san diego well yes with a friendi remember a girlfriend helped us with that thatwas intense because we went over the mountain ibet yeah it was a lot i bet because was it one ofthose motor homes where it's all one or were youwas it a trailer it felt like a bus no it was a biggiant motorhome that was nice well my stepdad lefther some money right right right okay so you guyslive in that in san diego so we lived in thatin san diego in a motorhome that's close quartersbrewing company off of um garnett almostgarnett it was the one before that was the exit beforegarnett i'll never forget that the trailercourt well and that's close quarters especiallyconsidering if you guys are drinking that's whenwe would fight we would get along so well and theni would move in with her and let go of myapartment because we were together all thetime she was my best friend yeah and then we'dkill each other because of the drinking or wereyou guys still doing drugs too together um istopped doing drugs when i turned 21 okay so yesthe answer is yes when i moved to san diego ithink i was still doing them yeah yeah becausei was doing them when i went to la mesa collegewhich is where we were getting confused becausela mesa is actually in san diego so is thatgreat professors is that your first stint atcommunity college was there no i went to umwhat was it called in portland rock rock creek rockrock not rockaway rock creek rock creek communitycollege rock creek community college yeah i thinkthere is i did a little time there okay yeah uhthe problem for me with college is that i tooka lot of classes that i wanted to take likeafrican arts and some really cool classes and then iwent and met with the counselor and she's likenone of these count towards your degree and i waslike well why would i why would i even go thenlike what's the point of college and i got a jobin san diego a really good one where i was sellingum uh apple computer uh memory that is a good jobyeah so how long were you there doing that was ithere two years i was there until my mom passedaway okay so you guys were living in the motorhome together but you said you at one point hada really bad physical fight right and so imoved into a garage of a home on thomas avenue whichi'll never forget across from the plannedparenthood where it was a huge house a bunch ofguys lived in the main house um some rock starlived upstairs and i was in the garage for 350a month it was a converted garage okay some guyhad hung himself in the garage oh yeah it was agreat place but i was that desperate to get outof that situation so you knew going in somebody hadhung themselves no i think i'd learned it wheni lived there some neighbor had told me about itbut you know i didn't care i wasn't spiritualthen at all it was heavily right inebriated okayso you're still drinking doing all that very angrygreat job and your mom you're still in touch withi was working in norstroms i worked innorstroms for years and then um i got that job at umapricorn it still exists the company is a greatcompany okay and then you said your mom passedaway like what two years after you guys gotto san diego i was uh 28 no so that's likebecause i think we got to san diego and it wasprobably 23 um so five years you know okay soyou lived in san diego for five years before shepassed away before she passed away i was there for28 almost 30 years okay so that's where you werehome base for a long time that's home base okayso you guys get there you were drinking when yougot there but you stopped at 21 why did you stoppedsnorting cocaine and crystal meth at 21 at 21okay so you stopped drugs we were at the open barmy mom got bit or she bit somebody my mom bitsomeone when she was drunk i threw her out youwere in an open bar called the open bar oh it'sactually an open bar yeah it was really fun okayit's a great bar you would have loved it andthen she got an altercation and bit somebodyand got thrown out yes and was it after that thatyou decided yeah i mean there's so many incidentslike that nicole there were so many times wherei just remember being with my mom but she wasn'tthere there's no one home and that's a triggerfor me now when i'm out with people who drinki can take it to a certain point but then whenthey're when they're checked out it's not fun yeahyeah for me intimacy needs to be done wherewe're both in our bodies yes yeah now so yeah soat 21 was that incident the catalyst that madeyou want to start of it you know there were so manythings i just looked at my life and i was like at21 you're supposed to have responsibility i thinki really saw myself being able to accomplish muchmore than i was doing and the possibilities i meanthere was just so so many things i wanted to doand i could see myself you know doing but i didn'thave the direction and doing that every time idid that there was one time i did it i was up forfour days in a row and just what was about tohappen during that time it was i felt ashamedof the experience so i remember thinking tomyself i'm too old for this 21 years old there'speople who are having careers at 21 and peoplewho are training to become doctors and all kindsof things and i just stopped i just said i saidno more no more coke no more chris i'm gonna letmyself still drink i'm gonna let myself still smokecigarettes okay and then at some point you stoppeddrinking too right 25 years ago so that's 28you're when you were 28 and was that related to yourmom's death in 2000 yeah my mom had passed awayuh well i got sober uh on new year's 1999 i waswearing the 2000 glasses um but yeah shepassed away i helped her pass away she died in myapartment in mission beach i lived on missionbeach off of kingston in this cute little tinyapartment and i was taking care of her and umaugust 20th at 420 a.m it's how you funny how youremember stuff in 1999 or 2000 it was probably1989 but i don't remember but i just it was likesix months after she passed away i decided to getsober so that was 1999 okay so she passed away inlike august 1999 and then about six monthslater yeah okay and so her passing was that fromdrug use and alcohol use or was it something elsei mean so my mom when we would talk on the phonei could put the phone down and she'd still beyelling about somebody who did her wrong somebodywho cheated her something that went sidewaysshe just had so much anger she didn't i meanmost of our parents didn't have resourcesor know how to navigate their own emotionalum bankruptcy yeah yeah you know they didn't noone taught them okay honey where's that in yourbody right where are you feeling that let'sbreathe through it and therapy but no coacheswe didn't really have coaches back then so theyshe just didn't have a lot of resources i justlike you said we didn't talk about it well wedidn't either like they didn't the boomers didn'twhich is your mom my mom but we didn't eitheryou know it's really our generation i think that'sreally taken off with that and change thingsso a certain percentage it's just a certainpercentage that's what a lot of people don'trealize yeah it's a very small percentage ofpeople who are awake to emotional intelligenceor words that express things like that i think theyounger generations are way ahead of anywherewe ever were because yeah gen x our emotionalintelligence our emotional development it that'swhy i say i think for a lot of us it's startingit's starting later in life you know because wejust shoved everything down yeah grind it throughdo what we're supposed to do smile through itand then we hit a point like i was talking to youbefore we started recording where we have amoment to breathe and look around and are like okaynow i'm gonna actually acknowledge what'sgoing on inside of me so i feel a lot of us came tothat point probably around 50 maybe a littleearlier maybe a little later but i think withthe younger generations are way more in touchwith not all not everybody but i just think it'smore prevalent to be more in touch with what'sgoing on with you with the younger generationsbecause they've made that space for themselvesand we're so many of us now are the coaches likewhat you do so but okay so to go back thoughso your mom passed away you said you helped herpass away yeah um do you want to share well wehad um yeah we had hospice come to the house okayi tried to get my sister to take my mom shehad a house i was living in a studio beach frontright apartment party pad like crazy partiesyeah uh right on the beach in mission beachand i moved her in and just took care of heryou know they told her she would have eight monthsto live she lived exactly eight months she diedof the same thing my father died of too which isbizarre which is pancreatic cancer she hadtumors on her bile duct and she was actuallyshe flew to Oregon she you know i think whathappens when we get older and i don't know thisis for everybody but when they when they start tolose control they want control back so she flew toOregon she did all this weird stuff i had to goget her and bring her back and it was very veryhard that was one of the toughest times of mylife so during this time is your sister living inOregon still no she moved to San Diego she cameto visit us that's what happens when people go toSan Diego and they visit you they move thereespecially if they're from Oregon San Diego isbeautiful it's my favorite part of California umso okay so she's there with a home but you movedyour mom into the studio they never quite sortedout their relationship from her abandoning it usi don't think okay so you were there when yourmom passed away and you made the decision when didyou consciously make the decision to become togive up alcohol um well my mom died right and ifelt like i had two directions to go i'd met um mylife partner who i was i guess it's not life partof my life like before midlife what do you callit when it's i was 28 quarter life and we weretogether till i was like 48 18 years we weretogether so 28 to 46 um and he said to me thatyou know i was taking care of my mom and shewas dying and he met her once and i wanted amonogamous relationship and he said well i want ahealthy girlfriend i've already done this i don'twant to do it again his last girlfriend was supercute i met her she's crazy and a drunk you know soapparently that was something he'd alreadyexperienced and i really wanted monogamy thisguy was worth like i was really surprised that iactually like this guy let me back up one secondbecause this part is something i wrote in mybook i call it the um the 30 day um tontriclike the pause so what i started doing i wasdating and drinking and one of the boys that islept with um came over the next night to thatparty place and tried to sleep with my roommateor my neighbor she was not my roommate but itwas like she was my roommate because we werethese little apartments were really closetogether and i was like what am i doing so idecided to put in um these kind of things likequitting crystal and coke would pop up and i waslike okay i'm putting in a 30 day pause i amnot sleeping with anybody two days before i kissand no sex for 30 dates and i did that and i hada couple guys that i put the through and back thenhiv was popular so i they had to get the fullpanel and if they made it through the 30 daysthen we'd have it 30 30 days or 30 days 30 days 30days 30 days okay yeah they've been very specificevery guy that's ever talked to me about thisis very is it 30 days or 30 days but the thing isis it's got to be enough time to feel like i'vegotten to know them so the guys i've noticed arehappy to do it it's really interesting i've beenvery surprised um back then like i had a lineupyou know of course i was super cute 28 years oldpeople are lying about the door oh yeah let's dothis yeah and uh so my partner of 18 years who'salso my business partner and anybody who watchesus that knows us knows him and we're stillfriends but um back then i put in the 30 daysand he signed up for it so we made it throughthe 30 days and we ended up together for you know areally long time but that was um a turning pointin my life uh of setting that up so that i actuallywould get to know someone and then the nextturning point was where he said to me well iwant a healthy girlfriend if you want monogamywell have a handshake on it you better get yourshit together and i was like well i'm not doingthat so we broke up for a little while and thengot back together and i said yes and so then youyou had your last drink new year's eve 1999 andthat's the last time you had alcohol and that wasafter my mom passed away that was what helped makethat decision for me and i remember thinking mysister and i went to the bar when they they tookher out of my apartment at five six a.m you knowthey came in the coroner's office took her bodyfrom my place and we went drinking and i justthought again it was that same feeling that igot when i was doing crystal meth and coke at thebar i was like there's got to be more to life thanthis this cannot be all there is and that's reallywhat i felt like drinking i was like okay i've gota decision to make and i decided to get sober sodid you did you get sober from alcohol cold turkeyor did you use any of the tools that are outthere to help people like aa or stuff like thati went to aa i did 90 days and 90 days 90 90meetings in 90 days wow um the guy that i waswith for 18 years roommate's girlfriend was soberso she got me into aa and then she added me to mysponsor later but um she got me into aa and shetook me to meetings and showed me that i coulddrink non-alcoholic beer it's very sweet i wasvery grateful it's amazing how sober people will go toall links to help people that are addicted getsober it's a beautiful thing how would you saygiving up alcohol in your life changed your lifeso i'm gonna go big picture and then i'll bringit down but i think that alcohol is a spirit nowand when you invite a spirit into your body andyou're allergic to it and you don't know it orthere's not um harmony with that drug alcoholcan be relaxing for some people some people arenormal and it doesn't trigger them to get addictedfor me that's not how it worked so you know itimmediately um i'm trying to remember i think myfirst drink was i was eight i drink a beer andbeer is awful and um what was the question it washow do you feel giving up alcohol out of yourlife affected your life oh i mean my one truesentence is if my mother hadn't died i wouldn'thave gotten to live so do you feel that you'reliving you have lived a much more authentic andfulfilling life since giving up alcohol and if youwould have kept drinking that would not havehappened anyone who drinks and knows that theyare an addict is miserable i remember whenmy girlfriends looked at me and they're likeyou're not even having fun anymore why are youstill drinking so what is that experience likewhen you are an addict and you are drinking andeveryone else around you is just having a good oldtime and it's happy hour and they're justletting loose but what is it that as the the addict isfeeling yeah for me it was that i could no longeruh get that same experience that high or that funparty part it just was it was changing it was nolonger fun i wasn't having fun anymore but i stilldid it and i couldn't stop that was the shitpart and i mean i got a dui back then too sothat helped wake me up and i'll never forgetasking my mom mom are we alcoholic they're tellingme i'm alcoholic in this in this thing and she'slike oh no i don't want to talk about that no we'renot alcoholic right so i um i feel like for peoplewho are curious sober curious you know for me whati decided was i said i can do it for a yeari'm going to take a year off if my life does notcompletely transform and i do not become thehappiest person i've ever met i'm going back toso why not why don't i give it a shot giveyour life a chance for a year my life completelychanged i mean within two almost two and a halfyears i think i found the company that i helpedbuild for 23 years and the 12th step to me idid the 12th step over and over and over again iobsessively did the 12 steps i have so manyjournals that i burnt and that i tossed outi mean i did it so many times i think thepersonal development side of the 12 steps is powerfulum and it helps you grow right you can't helpbut grow there are some people who get soberfrom alcohol and don't do their work and thoseare called dry alcoholics interesting i've metsome of those so they just gave it up butthey didn't take the next step for the personaldevelopment aspect right so there's a littleedge there to some of those people's personalitiesinteresting interesting so you said after doingthat after giving up alcohol and your life changedand you um ended up finding the company that you helped build what was that companyso i'm not gonna say the name of the companyokay um i'm even not allowed to promote it it'sreally interesting when you're part of an MLMthey have all kinds of laws and regulations okaythe company i helped build was a coaching companyi developed the coaching division of it but whati wanted to share was the 12th step is being inservice okay so in AA i sponsored one young womanshe stole my tapes i gave her my tool tech waytapes her story was so heartbreaking i mean i havea lot of compassion and empathy and my nervoussystem is not designed to help people who are hereand when i started coaching people with weightloss and helping them with their physical mentaland financial well-being i felt like i was takingthem from here to here that was working so i reallyonly sponsored one person in AA and we used thebig book and in the company i helped build we have abig book too but it's all about the habits ofhealth okay so we will all go through it togetherso when i got healthy and started teachingother people so i start sponsoring other people it'sthe same thing it was so cool yeah and i wasdoing it for physical mental and financial well-beingand getting paid because guess how much thesponsors in AA get paid nothing i would assumeit's volunteer right it's actually a lot ofdrama what is the uh what do you think thedifferences between the person that's hereversus the person that's up here is that just desirethat they're ready just desire uh yeah i thinkthere's part of that for motivation i guess yeahsame word yeah i think that part of it is that ithink um i think the desire motivation is definitelya piece but i also think the willingness to toto meet yourself they're ready almost to see yourown fears and like to shift the way you see yourchildhood rather than making everybody else wrongsaying they did the best that they could and theyshit the bed yeah now it's my turn yeah now i'vegot the responsibility to shift and forgiveness isgiving yourself the forgiveness letting go of theshame and all of those emotions that we feel onething that's coming through i think you don't idon't think you view yourself as a victim italmost sounds like you've had what you had butyou're now taking it and making it a goodthing thank you that's really powerful and a reallypowerful observation uh i've done more work thananybody else i know and i'm not trying to boastabout that but that's what i did in my personaldevelopment work and i honestly feel like a lotof us think that life is supposed to be easybut we used to kill each other going down thepathway right like we'd get robbed andpeople would kill each other left right and centerback in the old days we're not that far from thatand i think everyone forgets that and thinks thatlife is supposed to be easy um i've done a lotof deep spiritual work we talked about that enoughwe'll talk about the the the medicine but umthat part of when i started getting into spirit andconnecting with god and what that energy feltlike is helped me see that um death is easy andthe spiritual work that we do here and thevibration and the frequency that we hold while we're herehow we see things the way we view the world whetheror not we forgive and decide that that person likeso the book that i wrote is one of the chaptersis the man who showed me who my father was and whati learned from my mom my dad dying is and thisis recent like this is all like in the last yearis that no one does anything and i've beenstudying the four agreements for decades the fouragreements with dalma gal ruiz is one of myfavorite books and the four agreements arethe second agreement which is the number oneagreement that i'm focused on is don't takeanything personal because no one does anything toyou they're just assholes and you happen to be intheir care or there are people like my mom whowas abused as a young child and had no resourcesor skills and she was just doing what her momdid and for those people out there who've beenvery severely abused i'm so sorry i really ambut i really believe that the parents who parentedthem just repeated what happened to them theydon't it's not like they took this kid and saidyou are the one who's going to get this it waslike you're the person in my face i gave birth toyou or you're now in my charge and i'm a miserableperson so that's what you're going to get and nowguess what you get to do you get to make a choiceyeah did this happen to me or did it happen for meand one of the spiritual medicines that i usedi remember after it my friend said to me do youwhitney because i didn't think i could get on theplane to go home i was having so much anxiety andshe goes whitney do you think the universe ishappening for you or against you and i believethat the universe is happening for me and thelessons that i'm receiving i get to choose inevery moment what does this mean and they're notall easy and not always in my resource to be thisone of my friends pointed that out to me and i'mlike i know like when put me in a car especiallyhere we are not the meditating goo that i have developed into i get a little crazywhen did you have that realization then which one the the world's not against youthan it is for you yeah because that's prettypowerful that's a complete mind difference idon't know if it's a shift per se right but itit could be a shift for some folks but it's justa different way of looking at things yeahyeah great question um i have done a lot of plantmedicine and um the way i've aggressivelychased life i chased plant medicine so i did uhexperience with ibogaine ibogaine is the only plantmedicine known to help someone who's a heroin addictrecover from heroin addiction so after burningman all stories start like that i met a womanand she had a shaman um like uh it was her stepmommy type of vibe who loved her and had a clinicdown in mexico where ibogaine is legal and shewould help heroin addicts get off heroin so wewent down thinking oh this will be great you knowi wanted to do all of the medicines ibogaine is sodeep and so intense and what i felt like it didwas it went in and took all that crystal meth andcocaine that i'd ever done and it shook it outof the receptor sites so it was all loosened mysystem and it was moving through my system butit was all there i was so paranoid it was thetrippiest thing so we're getting ready to geton the airplane they told me to take a xanax theysaid look take a xanax and i was like no idon't i you know i don't want to take anything likei was such a puritan and here i am you knowbecause i i wasn't drinking alcohol but i hadcertain things that i was okay doing so i tookthat xanax and everything i felt like my wholemy nervous system cleared out all of that crystalmeth all of that cocaine because i think it's allspirit and it lives in our bodies anythingyou do nicotine i love cigarettes god if i couldsmoke and not die so yeah um so when she said itto me she said that question she had the xanax andshe's like i go i don't think i can get on theplane and she's like what is the universe foryou or against you and i got a choice of theblue or white pill i took the xanax and i realizedoh my god everything is for me every choicethat i've made in my life has predicted me ortaken me to the next choice whether good or badwho's to judge and the thing about doing plantmedicine is it brings you from my perspective togod's perspective which is you think about animalsin the wild they're just killing each otherthere's no judgment no shame no guilt it's survivaland that's what i'm saying is we're not thatfar from that yeah so that decision or that shifthappened then i was like oh my god everythingbecause it was so hard for me to end my 18 yearrelationship but i ended it it was just it wassomething shifted i was done and walking away fromsomething that you've invested that much with itwas it was really so the i've again experiencedam i saying it right i i began um that wasrecently that was or yeah right it wasn'teight years ago seven seventy okay and so italmost sounds like a cleanse yeah deep spiritualcleanse i do not recommend it to anybody whoisn't really trying to recover from heroin addiction imean that's the deepest medicine that's calledthe grandfather really oh it was deep like andit's from another planet 100 like my whole bodylit up and the sound of the universe to me wasit makes you instantly psychic too like i askedthe question because i could see everybody throwingup everyone who i went there with got foodpoisoning about me they were throwing up duringthe whole yeah they opened the door and i sawmy girlfriend project out of almond but it wasn'tfrom the ibogaine right no it's from where we wentand ate they all got food poisoning everyone werethey all doing the ibogaine yes and theyproject out of almond so their food poisoning hit themduring this ibogaine yeah that's a bad bad tripfor them no kidding but then you you eat the samestuff but didn't get food poisoning i don'tthink i ate the same stuff okay yeah you mustis the universe forming you're against it yeahno kidding i got some big boy angels on my backi have some protection i don't know if they'reangels or aliens or whatever what is the what isthe ibogaine is it cactus or is it a plant it whati understand is it's in africa the only place youcan find it is in maybe a root roots it's aroot yeah okay and how long does the journey last ithink we did three treatments three different daysand it lasted all night okay so like three nightsso it lasted like i mean when did we start like ithink she waited until it got dark like six o'clockand then i think it was two o'clock before andso do you feel that after that those sessionsthat changed my life that changed the trajectoryof your life totally well trajectory so how do youdefine trajectory um like if you're at acrossroads and you can make a choice you chose this choiceinstead of the path you were on you chose a totallydifferent i think it's deep in the path i was on idon't think it changed it i think doing ibogainebecause i've done all kinds of medicine i've beendoing medicine since i was 40 okay i think itsounds almost more like it changed your psychein how you your mindset and what kind ofyou're describing you've relieved yourself of ashit ton a lifetime of baggage you're nowloosened up and it's it's out of you the toxins are goneand now you've got this new perspective iskind of how i'm picturing more so than thetrajectory right because that's like a path thati'm going to go here and i'm going to be financiallywonderful or not or whatever right this is myperspective you're saying perspective perspectivechange it seems like yeah perspective change isan accurate way to to define it not only did i seethat the universe was for me but i mean that isdeep deep god medicine i mean like i said i thinkit's from another planet i think that aliensplanted it there so we could find it and havesome healing because this planet how many peoplewould agree that this is a lot of work yeah yeahstudies human there's a lot of good things onthis planet but there's also a lot of suppression ofthose good things through pharmaceuticalindustry and money and all that there's a lot of thingsthat don't get taken advantage of yeah and cutinto it but think about okay so so yes and if youthink about our parents parents like that's oneof the practices that i've gone through with thehoffman institute which was you know atraditional therapy process when i was a hoffman institutethey had us go back to first of all you go tothe funeral of your parents and you imagine peoplethere and what would they say about thembut then they have you think of them as kidswe were so fortunate to be brought up when webrought up that there's even an option to changethe way i look at something the perspectivechange they didn't have that do you watch old moviesyeah yeah yeah yeah so okay before we jump aheadbecause now i have a question about the hoffmanbut um i just want to go back a little bitbecause we kind of skipped over it um your heart surgeryhow old were you 50 okay so we haven't gottenthere yet i thought i was for some reason i wasthinking that we skipped over that okay so so youare building this company with your partner at thetime the company that should not be named kindof like voldemort um how long were you involvedwith that company i'm still involved with thecompany okay so you're still currently connectedwith that company and your role in the companyhow would you define what your role was um myrole shifted quite a bit i used to be veryinvolved i helped build the culture of the company we wereone of the first 50 coaches that um developedthe culture um and i was on stages and you knowworking with the corporation and um when i ended my relationship with my partneri mean it's an mlm so you have an upline mypartner's my upline so i was tired of workingand you know we we got property in tahoe idon't i left that part out but we moved to tahoe foreight years so so you guys met lived in sandiego for a while and then moved to tahoe yesand is that where you would say most of yourlife together was was in tahoe no that was onlysix six years okay seven years most of the lifewas in san diego okay and traveling we traveledall i traveled all over the world with him he wasa big wave surfer so i've been fortunate and we hadthe freedom because we did a virtual coachingbusiness to travel all over the world all overthe country first which is why i know firsthandthis percentage of the population think the waythat we're communicating we've just found thatpocket of people most people all over the worldi mean there's farmers great people they justdon't have an interest in this and it's okaythere's you know one of my mentors says just fluff their pillow let them sleepthey don't need to be waking up it's not our jobto woke people i love my life i'm super happy tobe sober to be from alcohol to be growing andlearning to be sitting now with really interestingpeople and having an opportunity to share mystory is really important and it feels reallygood what a great like this is medicine this islike another form of medicine yeah that's reallycool yeah so would you say um when you guyswere coaches just for just to break it downfor listeners you guys were coaches you talkedabout physical mental financial how would youhelp people or how do you if you still do it howdo you help people like what's what are the stepsyeah so i'm gonna do it for you guys can i dolike a coaching exercise for you guys and theneverybody who's listening can follow along yeahso if you want to close your eyes you can closeyour eyes and take a deep breath if you want tojust keep them open that's fine too but imagineyour 10 physical health and we're going to gothrough your physical your mental and your financialcan you imagine your best physical healthyou're at your 10 you're at your goal weight you feelgreat you sleep through the night you'rephysically active you're at your goal weight your diet'sgreat what else you just feel like a millionbucks no pains you're not on medication you feel likeyou could run through this place naked yaywherever you are your 10 can you feel it when you can'topen your eyes and where are you at now comparedto that vision do you want to share i don't have tonumber wise where physically taking inmedications into consideration compared to the ultimate umprobably a seven great congratulations sevenyeah what does that mean though so on a scalefrom yeah that's how i interpreted it rightexactly yeah yeah say now but i would say ifyou asked me a year ago or a year and a half agouh four wow i've made insane changes in it the lastyear year and a half what were those cuttingout alcohol out of my life special occasions alsomaybe have like a glass of wine with my daughterif we're you know if it's something special likethat pretty much i don't drink walking over 10000 steps every day getting up at five in themorning to walk getting making sure i commit tothat um weight-bearing exercise five days a weekgood job um are you lifting him because we doit together oh that's great we walk together wewait lift weights together um creatine umand supplement focusing on my supplements umfocusing obviously on my eating i've beengluten free for like 12 years so that was a given butthen cutting out a lot of dairy like dairy isvery rare sucks that we have to let it does cheese isthe best i know dairy either i don't know soit's all those little you're the seven now i'm ata seven do you know what you would need to do toget yourself closer to a 10 do you know what thenext steps are for you i think my next steps arein introducing meditation that's the mental healthwe'll go there but yes that will impact yourphysical yeah and i think uh introducing cleansingsome cleansing some fasting i'm on a bone broththing right now okay yeah so it's that i think ineed that yeah um just to play with your withyour food yeah know that you're in control isa powerful experience yeah um sleep um sleep ismy biggest weakness i don't get enough of it yeah ithink if i got enough sleep i would easily jump toan eight do you know why you don't sleep at nightum i think i have too many things in mybrain happening i think i worry about my kidsuh it's hard to turn that off yeah um becauseeven though they're older i still have worrydifferent worries um and i have no control overit and it's so i have to give it over to god i'vei've incorporated prayer big time in the lastthree years of my life and really practicing givingthings over to god that's been huge so probablyanxiety turn it over baby yeah yeah so i wouldthink that affects and then also just time becauseyou know we have a 15 year old and there's thingslike you know finding out 9 30 he has a projectdo the next day well i can't go to bed now youknow things like that i don't have controlover that you know so um sleep's a big one thoughfor me okay well i'd like to give you ideas onthat but i also i think we'll keep going i wantto take you through what the coaching is justso we complete that yeah yeah and then i will andwe might do it off air but i'll i'll try to comeback to the sleep thing that i've started doingyeah for sure but the meditation could be helpfulokay so let's go to mental health and close youreyes or not take a deep breath imagine you're 10the happiest version of yourself no drama you havepurpose and meaning in your life you're sohappy all your relationships are healthy um you havetime to do the things you love your spiritualityis on point your 10 imagine yourself just gigglingand laughing all the time that's what i do butwhat is your 10 what does 10 look like to you inyour life and when you can feel it in your bodyopen your eyes what's your number in this momenti mean my number is pretty good for this i wouldsay i'm probably at an eight congratulations yeah ifeel pretty good about where i'm at mentally iwould think the thing i need to change would be tohave more fun i think live music is my biggestoutlet for that it's where i feel more my authenticself and it's a realignment for me every time igo see live music i dance so that helps the somatichealing and all that um so i think i need toincorporate that more for myself dancing yesyes yes i love dancing um so i think uh thatwould be huge it's just uh we both work very hardprofessionally and also as parents right and ithink we both of us are not balanced with funyeah and then of course that becomes you can getedgy with the other person because the stressesof life we have an amazing marriage and amazingfriendship and amazing relationship and the onlything that's negative i'm going to say thisin our relationship at this point in our livesis um just the stress of the world and balancingthat it isn't what's going on between us intimatelyit's when the world is coming in and we're both having to deal with itand that's where you can get in littlearguments but it's not personal it's just we're reactingso because good awareness you take us out ofthat and we're like best buds there's no problems soit's getting more fun a balance of more fun whilewe're working our asses off you know do you guysdo a date night we've tried we're together somuch you know so we don't need an activity togetheryeah you're working out together and that'shuge yeah that's huge well maybe you need activityseparate maybe you need to get a girl's nightgoing and we and i do i'll go without with mygirl that's always been an important thinglike we had like i tried to get away withspend time with women i very particular onwho i spend my time with um i've learned thatconsistency that but you want to have morefun together is something i hear you saying tooyeah do you guys ever to go to workshops togetheror do any personal growth no together any marriagedevelopment together no you know a lot ofchurches offer that if you're getting into church that'sone thing to consider that he's not into churchokay he's not spiritual or religious and it's aninteresting relationship right where i am but heisn't so that wouldn't be a common ground for usbut honestly i think when we see live musictogether is when we completely everything reallines again that's been our but i think i'm opento other things you get creative together i meanhe seems very um open and interested in thinkingoutside the box and he's here with you doing thisthis is a creative outlet by the way it isit is great 100 but we're not dancing no noand you want to be physical and do somethingelse so maybe just have the intention once a quarteryou guys come up with something fun to go awayand do together there's camping or going to alive concert or going to a festival yes weactually are um the end of next month we're going toalabama to see billy strings for three nightsso it sounds like you're already doing it we'retrying yeah you're an eight i mean yeah yeah ifeel pretty good you're doing well okay so let'sgo to the financial well okay now we'll get ina lot of people have a lot of discomfort withthe financial part where it's all if you thinkabout physical is the food and you know how youfeel your body mental is what you think aboutyou said you worry about your kids my invitationwould be start imagining what you want for themand make that a practice even though it's superhard and i know it is for all moms because i knowso many moms that they can't help it yeah but youcan yeah and now it's the time we have this newawareness that you have control over what you focuson so just start practicing that what ifeverything went right for him what if the kids came back andthis great thing happened yeah because the stormis going to happen whether you think about it ornot so why think about it why not pretend like inyour nervous system because the only person you'reaffecting is you when you put worry out okay solet's go to finance i agree with all of everythingyou just said big time good and that's apractice honey so it's just like getting off sugar it'slike 100 and you're addicted to the fear a lot ofus get evicted to those thoughts i am i am i i wishi could just know everything's going to be fineand then i can relax but you can't but what ifyou do know in your body right because inreality if the universe has my back everything is goingto go exactly as it's supposed to right and whenyou do medicine work deep medicine work you realizethat death is love and we're all connected we'reall going to be connected again whether you believein you're an atheist or whatever why notbelieve the best thing you could believe why do peoplebelieve in the worst yeah i don't know i don'tknow it's such a great point for sure yeah we're notwe're not raised to believe in the best is goingto happen and we're we're raised to be fearful andthink of the worst because survival was real it'snot anymore we're not really in survival if peoplequit spending their money on shit they would have alot of it yeah and that's my biggest thing is liveunder your means so we're going to talk aboutfinances next okay so let's imagine take a deepbreath and i want you to imagine your 10 forabundance your financial well-being you have greatincome you manage the money that comes in so wellyou're so much money i like to imagine 25 milliondollars and what does that feel like in yourbody is it freedom you never look at the checkever again you give money away because you're soabundant all your bills are paid you are in suchincredible position to be abundant the mostabundant version of yourself can you feel thatin your body and when you got it open your eyesthat's your 10 and give us a number from 1 to 10of where you are now five okay yeah so reallywe kind of have your life puzzle and we can spendsome time on your five but if you think aboutit you gave yourself number one was a seven eightno number one was um seven oh no i think yeaheight mental and five financial so generallywhat i'll tell people but it sounds like you'rereally hustling is that you would um well no iguess this would be the advice to you becauseyou're super happy you're super physically wellthen you take your foot off of that and put yourfoot on the abundance factor what is it in yourabundance or in your finances or in your financeswhat is it that you know that you need to adjustthat would make the biggest difference for youum i don't know i think that's my problem so let'sbreak it down though when you get to your fiveif you think about where do you want to go do youwant to go to a seven if you want to take yourfive to a seven where your physical health is youtook your health from a four to a seven by justquitting drinking and making some changes yeah soif you look at what is it and this is for everybodylike making a list of all the have-to's go throughyour credit card bills what are the things we haveto do and what are the things we'd like to do andwhat are the things do we need to take away fromso that we can put money towards something elseand the one thing that i used to coach peopleon before they buy stuff and i know you guysi mean you don't seem like you're buying randomstuff although there's a lot of stuff here yeahyeah stuff is material stuff and i find that alot of people especially here have a lot of materialthings and they're spiritually bankrupt andthey're so like somebody said to me oh yeah getting boredi'm like i could never get i don't even know whatthat means yeah yeah i'm never bored yeah i'm neverbored yeah do you find that um it's different onthe east i know you've lived extensively on thewest coast and now you've recently how long haveyou been over here on the east coast would you sayalmost two years uh what is what are thedifferences you're seeing when you just talked aboutmaterialistically i think a lot of people andjust to close the loop on that three the physicalmental and financial that's that's what i gothrough with people now you have your physicalyour mental and your financial puzzle yeah andif he wants to sit down and you do it with him andtake him through it then you guys can look atokay what are the things that we want to shiftand adjust so we can take the next step to moveforward now as a coach that's where i offer myservices i help people get clarity i eithercharge them or put them on my program depending on whatthe need is and i move them closer to theirgoal i help them make those adjustments it's reallyhaving accountability you guys have each other yeahyeah yeah so if you can hold each other accountablei find some couples and people just shop as asoothing factor they're spending money to sootheit's an addiction it's just to squash down someof those feelings of fear or anxiety that theyhaven't figured out how to deal with on a differentlevel yeah that makes sense and so you're so you'restill actively coaching people and taking clientsyeah i'm gonna build a whole new program i finishmy book i am going away as i mentioned and i'mgonna clean it up and then i'm gonna come backand publish it and i'm gonna probably travel abit and do some speaking and and build a coachingcoaching practice so is this separate than thecompany you've been working with you know it allgoes together so it just depends on what somebodyneeds if they want to lose weight i have a weightloss program second to none i know weightloss backwards and forwards um the company that ihelp build can say now we reverse metabolicsyndrome and 90 percent of people have it soi can help with your physical with your mentaland with your financial and just to go back tothe mental for 30 seconds with you the meditationis the thing that for me this new dr joe dispensethe work that i've been doing he doesn't useplant medicine like i did a lot of work with thatmedicine and it's a spirit and it's an incrediblework for a lot of people and it's done some damagebut now with dr joe's work he's just doing it withyour own breath and the work that it takes to startfocusing on what you want even though in yourbody like this morning when i woke up i could feel inmy body i must have had a bad dream so then whatamount of work does it take to reset yourself backto what do i want to create what's possible whatcan i dream like when did we start dreaming aboutwhat's wrong versus what's right like when you're alittle kid you get to imagine the best possibilitiesof we could be magical fairies we could be wonderwoman we could do anything we want so that is theinvitation is the meditation and when you can sitwith yourself and your thoughts just like you didwith your kids nicole i can see you're a greatmom you just reship those thoughts when you starthearing them go in a direction that's not healthyand not positive start shifting them say you knowno this is what i want to focus on and when youdo that enough times you catch yourself and thenlike me in the car and i'm like that motherfuckeri'm like oh you're someone's kid bless you i'm sosorry and yes i feel bad because i'mconsciously incompetent now so you're aware that you areunaware or aware that you're going in a directionyou don't want to go so shift it so that's just myyeah mental health part for you and i meditatefor at least an hour a day you got to split it up iknow you're super busy and most people outthere like i don't have time for that yeah you doespecially if you look at for people out thereyour mental health is higher if your mental healthwas a five it would be a nine one one you haveto meditate yeah for a very solid period of timemaybe your physical health was higher so we takeaway from the physical health time and we put itin the mental health you've got your puzzle nowand once you help someone find their puzzle thenthey know how to resource and you're justreallocating we're not going to take it away forlong you're just going to shuffle the deck and getit towards what you want so you can create more ofwhat you need to have in your life so you canbe a better mom a better parent a better spousei love how you said um about dreaming positivebasically positively and so negatively or settingup your mind the way what you just talked aboutmade me think about people should set up theirmind before they fall asleep in thatpositive way that positive outcome um thinking abouteverything that could go right instead of what could go wrong and then as you dreamyour dreams will follow suit so what you're thinking about before you go to sleepcould affect your rest and your subconscious asyou're dreaming which then could affect how youfeel when you wake up in the morning so youcould get stuck in the cycle of always youreat your sleep time you're going to sleep sleepingand waking up there's always fear base or negativewhich indirectly or directly affects your dayso you never kind of get out of it does that makesense well absolutely that's what i've beenstudying so one thing i would also suggest is doing adump you know you take a dump yeah dump yourmind mind dump do a mind dump take your journalwrite out all the crap you know you have to doput it aside then meditate then imagine your life asthough everything you've ever dreamed of thatyou've ever wanted has already happened what doesthat feel like in your body your son's graduatedcollege you guys are empty nesters yeah you can goanywhere you want you can do anything you wantyou have grandkids they're healthy they're wonderfuleverybody's happy you know imagining those thingsgoing on for you yeah your kids are beyond happywhat's that feel like in your body like everythingworked out everything's okay as though it's alreadyhappened in this moment so yeah because isn'tit true your body reacts to whatever the thoughtsare become your reality and so whatever you'rethinking about your body doesn't know if it'sreally happening or not so you're putting yourbody through the trauma and the stress even ifyou're just thinking about a situation rightwell the body's speaking too if you know kinesiologythe body's actually trying to communicate we justgive more attention to what thoughts we don't giveas much attention to our body and tell whathappens autoimmune disease sickness and then you'refinally like oh you're talking oh have you beentalking this whole time and i haven't been listeningand then you're like chasing the mind addictionof fear hostility you know all the things thatare negative and what you could start doing ishaving them balance because the body wants to bein balance the body wants to be healthy like itwill regrow limbs and parts of your you know likei mean i'm maybe not in a physical human beingbut in some cases you can heal yourself and whatyou think about you bring about have you everheard that i've heard about your thoughts canbecome your become your reality so i thinkthat's been true forever and we just have not reallygiven it permission and now i feel like we're justcoming up on the evolution of consciousness whereyou have permission you have permission nicole asa matter of fact i am commanding you for 30 daysimagine your life as though everything you'veever dreamed of is so so beautiful so happy and dothat for 30 days and see if anything changes andif it doesn't stop doing it but if it does whichit has for me it doesn't mean that life doesn'thave opportunities it means that i called themopportunities and that you know i getreally angry now i'm running energy of hope andtransformation and evolution and what's thelesson here and it's you know for some people it's likewhat's that well if that's not good for youthen don't do it i'm not asking anybody who's not amatch for me i feel like i sing my soul's noteand if it tunes into you great just like trump he'stuning it he hits a tuning fork whoever'sattracted come in if you're not check out righttv change the freaking channel yeah yeah youknow that's a fascinating point you're bringing upbecause not just trump but it made me thinkabout it he elicits such a negative responsefrom some people when you can just keep movingon you don't need to get sucked into that wholevortex of his energy if it doesn't agree withyou so i think what you're saying is spot onif it doesn't work just keep going don't letit don't let it throw you off yeah it's justbut don't let it throw you off that much it's not abig deal it's a choice it's a choice it's a choicenow that's the part where people don't like totake responsibility yeah yeah that's their choicethat's why lawsuits are so heavy that's whyattorneys have so much work because people donot want to take responsibility for the fact thatthey're making the choice where granted and i usetrump because we're in florida and that just iknow triggers so many people but i'm from i alwaysthey yell this to the drivers who almosthit me or they honk at me i'm from californiacalifornia we let each other cross the streetit's like i'm from kansas yeah but what you'resaying is that it is up to the individualsomething happens in your life what is your decision aroundhow you're going to respond to it are you goingto react with violence use someone else's systemwhich is what my therapist told me my momused to do she would use other people's systemsuh to run her emotions and they were usually whatdo you what do you mean by that i can get it withlike the the recent stuff with charlie kirk rightthey didn't like his words they're gonna go shoothim but what is that other system oh that'sinteresting i hadn't thought about that andhonestly i didn't even know who he was because idon't watch my nervous system can't handle it andi'm sorry for the people out there who are upsetthat i'm not putting myself in a position of havingto expose myself to um things like that but ijust choose where yeah very consciously i put myenergy because my nervous system can't handlethat stuff like i don't know him i'm sorry butyou don't have to be sorry for not knowing himno one should make you feel sorry for not knowingwho charlie kirk is i mean everybody's entitledeverybody's right by their method that's kind ofhow i try to see the world is that you see itone way and the way i got there was with doctors itrained doctors for 20 years so doctors allsee things from their perspective everybody'schanneling through whatever they see thingsthrough so what was your point again you saidyou were it was asking about um it was uh howyour mom used other systems other people oh yeah soshe would get angry so we would go to norstromwell mom had this great thing she would do weshe we were on food stamps but she had acredit card so she'd go buy fifteen hundred dollarsworth of clothes which was a lot back then yeahwe would get to wear the clothes we would do uhdrink champagne and do like um you know what dogirls do when we get all dressed up in front ofthe mirror yeah yeah so much fun fashion showright yeah and then she would take the clothes backand back in the old days they would challenge herthey would be like uh well now they do it for surebut back then they'd have moments where they'dbe like man this looks like it's been worn and shewould lose her shit and she would use theirsystem processing her emotions instead of likeso for me when somebody loses their shit it'sjust an indication that they haven't they'rei don't want to call it lazy but if you don'tknow how to move emotions like anger through your ownbody that usually means no one sat with you andsaid hey where are you feeling that in your bodyare you tuning in because it's your anger untilyou expel it onto somebody else it's like splashingthem with a hot cup of water or shooting themto that degree yeah but it's still not personalthey have emotions yeah they have shit that'sgoing on yeah and they're choosing you as theperson who's in front of them not for anyparticular reason or maybe it is but it doesn'tmatter it's still not personal they're havingthis emotion and they want to express it to someoneand they don't know how to deal with itthemselves yeah they're projecting or yeah objectify i loveto objectify people now because we didn't usedto be able to do it when you use an app and you'redating you can objectify guys like many wellanyways you do any one of those things likehowever you're responding or reacting towhatever's going on in front of you but if it's an energyand you're angry yes my therapist used to say mymom would use other people's systems to work outher emotional shit that's interesting i thinkparents also do that too with their childrenwhere if you're stressed out about finances oryou're stressed out about anything that's goingon with job or whatever and then like thesmallest thing might happen with your childbut all that anger and stress from this othersituation then goes on to your kid right i thinkthat happens a lot with displacement ofyour anger yeah for sure have you heard of carlyoung's internal and external locus of control ithink a lot of that is what you're talking aboutthat self accountability of dealing with yourown shit before you start to put it onto others outthere in the world but it it like you've saidit's a skill and it needs to be practiced like howyou just challenged me to the doing this for 30days it's almost like start lifting weights for30 days start eating clean for 30 days it's justit goes along the lines of all the things to betteryourself you have to do it for a so isn't it likethree weeks to form a habit or something like thati don't know the the science on it but i'm a bigadvocate of if you work out or start a diet you'vegot to make the hardest day is like day 21 it'slike the third week in yeah the first two weeksanybody can do anything for two weeks but the thirdweek is when it starts to really sort of work it'syou eat healthy although shitty toxins or haveleft maybe by the third week of lifting weightsyou're probably not as sore walking you're not astired so that's when you start to see progress iguess yeah yeah no it makes sense you just wentout again no i didn't oh there you are sorry so to goback to my other question though since you've livedhere for two years and but you pretty much grew upon the west coast that's been your life they letme just okay you're building a muscle basicallyand just want to say discipline in the militarythink about olympic athletes yeah what are theygreat at anybody who's ever accomplished anythingworth having is discipline and militant about itand that is the thing that most people are lazyas f is that my goal is to get you to get out ofyour comfort zone i want you to be souncomfortable yeah on a regular basis whether it means you wantto say something to someone and you no longercommunicate in that way because you're going toonly talk about love and yeah puppy dogs andhappiness and you just say the things that arekind to people and that's so uncomfortable foryou like i am in my card i'm ready to you knowso that's the intention and when i went todr joe's workshop i'm going to show that i'vedid a seven day meditation he has us do a fiveand a half hour meditation we're up at four amwe're up at six am he gets us out of our comfortzone and i know this is being a coach for 23 yearsi'm sober 25 you have to stop doing what's easyand start doing what you don't know what is notnormal that's how you start and create a habitand that's how you break a habit goes both wayswhat do you think though as far as society isis crazy right and i think a lot of people areoutside of their comfort zone on the dailyand so to say hey get out of your comfort zonehow does that land that i guess in a sense i'mtalking about okay so let me ask you a questionwhat is it in your life that you would like tocreate in the next 90 days what would you liketo have so i'm talking about intentionalintentionality people are crazy in their daybecause they don't start their morning thinkingabout the people they're going to see and whatthey want to create they're lazy and they'recrazy like you said instead of being intentionaland holding and creating a container like youguys have here for people to get to come in andshare their stories by the way anybody who wantsto come on the show it's so good really beautifulto get to share your story but i do think thatsociety is crazy but mostly because they haven'tdone the discipline she quit drinking yeah thatdiscipline creates it's like a domino effect whenit's the butterfly effect you do one thing andit creates lifetimes it creates you know you thinkabout our ancestors i've done healing for ourancestors for mine for sure like when you dosomething different than what the people in yourancestral space have not been able to accomplishwe're doing things that people could never do ittakes work and effort what does it take to havea hot body what are you doing right now eat wellsleep while you guys are doing it together you'reworking out you're lifting weights weights areheavy yeah you got to do it over and over andover again so that's what the weight of focusingon what you want imagining on what it feels likein your body it's such a freaking high i dowalking meditation as often as i can in the morningso i can imagine the life and it he has youwalk with it so you can start now living in lifeas though everything in my life has already cometrue i see the audience clapping because i am nowi've written my book i'm a best-selling authori'm helping millions of people all over the worldi imagine my community all my friendseverything in my life is so amazing and i'm just so happyand what's that feel like in my body bliss andyou do that for an hour every day and guess whatstarts to happen guess what starts to happen youstart to believe it i would assume and start tofeel it and live it most likely wow things startshowing up that you're like oh my god did that justhappen i wanted that yeah wow yeah i thinkyou're tapping into though the power of perception andhow you look at things and just how you approachthe world because there's always two choices andyou've touched on it right there's there's uhat least two choices but you could you can eithersee the good or the bad and you're talking aboutseeing the good yes and then that just manifestsitself and it picks up momentum and before youknow it everything is it's all good and and it'sand it can be though i don't doubt thatactually but it also i would assume wards off umdisease physically yeah like if you relinquishyourself of the weight of fear and the weight ofuncertainty and the weight of stress as much asyou can your body starts to heal and it and welland if you're young you could do this proactivelyspeaking to the younger generations and you don'teven get the disease to begin with you'restaying ahead of the game by putting yourself in thatspace you're it's actually a form of healthtaking care of your physical health too but theycould do it they could be way better off thanmany of us or us gen xers at least but just grind itthrough because we ignored everything weneeded to get through life survival mode we've beenliterally like we just got ignored every sign ourbody and mind were giving us we were like i'll bewith you when i can get to you i have to do thisthing right now and then we did this thing rightnow for like 30 years and so it's just nowwhere it's like okay wait now i think i need to likeaddress you know because you don't have achoice right because you're either you're physicallyhave to know and you spoke to this or mentally youknow it's something is forcing you to now have toacknowledge yourself so much of it's abouthonoring yourself too and giving time to yourself which idon't think comes naturally to women in a certainway except for mani vanity wise but moms moms likeimmediately put themselves in the back like thatwoman that we were not all moms so moms are greatat balancing i've always been admired womenlike that but in general a lot of moms are like myneeds now are here because the children you justnaturally give to them first it's like an innateit's an animalistic thing you just don't evenquestion it and then your spouse and then the homeand if you work outside the home your joband your pets like and the plants people don'trealize if you have a lot of plants they requirea lot of attention that can be stressful i'm likeoh my god now i have to water the plants andthat's a whole other thing um but no if i could go backi would have honored me as a woman much moreself-care wasn't even a thing but you can startyeah yeah and i have and i have no i totally amgreat i just want to get behind this 30 day thingthat i planted yes yes yes i think i will andi think about talking about the joe dispensethe whole meditation thing because whenever i'vepictured meditation and i'm sure a lot of listenerspicture meditation is you're sitting in a roomand you're still and it's dark and you need to justlike you have to set up a whole thing justto do a meditation but what i want to do isdo a meditation but what you're talking aboutis you can meditate anywhere anytime you couldincorporate it and so when you're talkingabout walking meditation is it more you're walkingand you've put your mental state into thatspace so you're still amongst life yeah but you haveyou can adjust your mental did you learn that athis workshop i've been doing walking meditationsbut not to this degree his walking meditationsare audios where he's actually he has you standeyes get the chakra centers all lit up sothey're connecting and it's heart and brain coherenceheart coherence is a very popular meditationtype and he has you get your heart and your brainconnected connecting with your chakras gettingyourself in the state he prepares you and thennow we're going to open your eyes and walk intoyour future self the power you know and i meanhe's got so many great meditations so but yes sonow you're taking your state into being activelyinvolved in society where you're carrying thatsame frequency with you so it takes practice yeahi would assume so that's that's the key rightthere is being able to carry the well you knowit does because we talked about it and you'rein the frequency of fear and i know a lot of momsthat are in that does create disease so stop ityeah well how do you yeah that's how do you dealwith that it's a great motivator you spoke toit early you imagine it what if it all works andwhat if it's going to work out it has worked outit did work out you older your kids they made itthrough life you got through the baby stage noone thinks they're going to make it through thatyeah that is terrifying yeah my kid's gonna wakeup they're gonna be on you know i'm gonna be layingon them in the middle of the night who knowsevery parent has had some fear oh yeah that their kidsare not going to survive childhood totally butthey're teenagers so you've proven them wrong sowhy not keep doing it in a way that makes youhealthy why not keep showing up and the other partto what you said about moms putting themselveslast what would happen if just putting yourselffirst meant thinking about everything workingout perfectly what if that was the one thing thatpeople started doing yeah it's like a greatform of self-care it is self-care absolutely it isconscious awareness of your frequency andeverybody's carrying a frequency with them and honestlybecause i don't drink i can see people'sfrequency especially on atlantic avenue here in uhdelray beach uh when i walk down the road i cansee someone's frequency yeah well that brings meback to this question okay is what are thedifferences you're seeing living on the eastcoast versus the west coast you would you wouldmention that you feel it's way more materialistichere yeah well i mean san diego's flip-flops andsurfers right right military um and the cultureis different it's hispanic and asian culture andthere's a lot more latinos down in um miami andwhat i love about that is one the i'm goingto explain the difference in what i've seenis hispanic culture is ashamed of the fact thatthey speak spanish latino culture is not a shameoh no and they're driven yeah they're achieversthey're going after it and they're competitiveand then the russians that are here too are likesome of the most competitive people i've ever metum and there's an energetic field around that ofhow people process i think um for me i actuallylove the latinos because the fire but theyalso love family i really love the family vibes sothere's a lot um of people that i've met here andmiddle eastern i mean god i met this woman who's79 years old and she's in the best shape ijust learned how to do water pilates it was so funwhat's my point west coast east coast eastcoast is um what school did you go to there'sthere's it's another frequency of um competitionwith materialism and i think the school you went tomatters but to me i've gone to more personaldevelopment i've gone inside more than i'vegone outside and while they may have a degree orthey may have you know a billion dollars sadly iknow someone who was a billionaire and passedaway because they were so unhappy i think so i thinkthat the difference is that is that there's not alot of spiritual caretaking as much that i've seenout here and it's not that i'm criticizingreligion i think the religion is great i knowso many different religious people mormons imean i grew up with it with belging and mlmum and it would be nice to see people go insideand take care of themselves more and i don't thinkthere's as much of that it's more granola on thewest coast for sure granola to me means you're ahippie you're going inside you're doing the woowoo stuff the alternative stuff it's not as muchstright you know i don't need to go to churchto meet god i need to go inside to meet my god toconnect with my spirit to connect with thatconsciousness that makes me feel love becausei've had some people ask me with criticalthinking that are religious well what do youpray about what are you meditating on at thoseevents it's love no one can fight that no one'sgonna argue with me like isn't that why we'rehere isn't that what we feel together like ilove getting together with you and seeing you ourhigh school years bring us together in that feelingof love and connection and gratitude yeah andwe remember each other from being young and we'vecome together like and you guys with yourmarriage of how many years 31 yep yeah when youtap into that and you start with that and youremember how much you love each other's spiritsthat have hung into this three decaderelationship and have built those humans that are now runningaround there doing stuff that's i just feel likethe west coast is a little softer a little morefeminine the east coast is a little moremasculine it's more competitive get things done umyeah interesting no that makes sense it's an interesting way to sum it upfeminine versus masculine i never thought about itthat way i moved here what what are your thoughtsso in terms of the people you've met here i'llsay for myself i find east coast are slightlymore genuine than i find west coasters andthat's a big paradigm or a big difference i think i ithink you're spot on on the spirituality thethe the more formalized religion here versusmore of a internal spirituality out there i'mcurious what you think of the authenticity anglethat's a great point and i think you're righti think that there is i've been invited to moreparties especially during the holidays everybodywants to take care of little whitney she's all byherself and i'm used in california justfeeding myself doing on my own and i'm good with thatbut everybody wants to be in your business andthey want to mother you and they want to takecare of you and they're in your stuff sothere is definitely that's a great point there's adifference between people wanting to be incommunity that's the difference that i seewhere they're more segregated communities they'remore protective of their tribe or they they don'tnecessarily want to bring everybody in um onthe west coast yeah the west coast like i've heardthat from people that they don't feel as welcomedon the west coast um and i've seen that in certaincommunities that i'm part of i think the eastcoast just has more of what you're saying it'slike they there's more of a genuine um maybethey've had harder times i don't know you know i thinksome of it is tradition and well spanish cultureis very inclusive uh itallians are very inclusiveirish are very inclusive big families bigfamilies there's just a lot of tradition and so i thinkit's more like like i know for our thanksgivingit just keeps growing because our older kids havefriends who need places in them they know thehouse you have an open invitation by the way ifyou're around yeah you have an open invitation umbut i think there's an interesting i talked aboutthis in one of our episodes is that because i grewup on the west coast he grew up on the east coastum i found when i moved to the east coast it waslike a breath of fresh air because even if somebodywas abrupt with me i knew exactly where theywere coming from where on the west coast there werepeople that seemed so so nice but behind thescenes they were not that way i'm not saying thatdoesn't exist here and i'm i know i'mgeneralizing but the way i've summed it up is um from myexperience is the on the west coast in generali feel that people can be nice but they're notnecessarily kind and on the east coast peoplearen't necessarily nice but they're kind beautifullysaid if that makes sense yeah of course likethey'll fix your tire but they may demean youwhile they're doing it out right it's morea humanity who who's got each other's backon the west coast it's doggy dog a little bit andso it's such a weird contrast with the spiritualityand the granola and the and i and i know whatyou're talking about because again i grew up thereum but it's a weird balance right because i do think there is authenticity in thatbut is it an inclusive authenticity or is it acompetitive authenticity you know do you rememberwhen we were in oregon and we moved to californiaand everybody said oh the californians are movingin or oregonians don't want people moving intooregon yeah that i have never heard of that outhere and also the latinos that i met when i firstgot here the guy who was driving my uber is tryingto bring his wife or his girlfriend or somebodyfrom another country here and they're proud ofit and they own it yeah because they're doingit in a legal way i think it has some to do withmexico where people have gotten in illegallyand they're ashamed and they don't want to speakspanish because they're embarrassed or theywant to measure up to something i don't know i thatthat was part of the vibration that i felt intowhen i moved here is how proud latinos are and ithink by the year 2020 i think i heard 80 ofthe population is going to speak spanish they'rebreeders out here like crazy and the communityaspect of big families is a big part of it andi think the california is maybe it's more splitup maybe people who move to california like it isin miami a little bit they're coming to reinventthemselves those people were running from somethinglike uh what is it la hollywood and that's thesame with miami i heard i don't know i have noidea what they but you're right we're ontosomething here we need to keep dissecting it and get 30run it yeah because i think that um likelike sometimes i know it's in the dead communityit can be like who's the most dead head of themall grateful dad right yeah but it's like who'sthe most hippie hippie of them all or in thatsense it's almost becomes how a competitivenessof how woke can you be do you know what i'mtrying to say and then you go down a rabbit hole wherethey start judging each other on well you're notdoing enough wokeness and you're and this is comingfrom uh growing up in portland vibe not now i'mnot talking about political at all um so i i don'tknow i just again it can become heavy with ineed to follow these these things in order to be tocome across that i am spiritual i am granola orwhatever whereas when i moved to the east coastit was just like i felt liberated yeah i feltlike i could just be whoever i am and either peopletook me or didn't but i didn't care it justeveryone was just kind of i don't know it wasmore straightforward part of it is moving awayfrom somewhere into a new environment yeah yeahbut i also agree with you like because my dad wasa born-again christian and i know and i built anmmm so i know every religion out there and theyall want to enroll you and they're all right thetruth right is their truth right right right it'snot the truth that you can't speak in aa they teachyou don't ever talk as a third party alwayssay i yeah don't say we they you can't speak forin aa i mean we've been broken like fuck you'veseen the bottom of the bottom yeah so you knowyou can't speak for somebody else yeah andthe challenge is is that while people judge theborn-again christians for being so extreme theni see the same thing happen with that communityyeah you go granolas right yeah extremes nevernothing good comes from extremes i think it'sabout ego so one of the things when i first didmy first medicine journey he said it's the death ofthe ego and that's my experience with death it'slove when your brain stops working when we're outand i know it's harder for people with kids butdeath is beautiful like it's spirit connectiongod everything you've ever happiness joy likejoy and love and gratitude like so overwhelmingthat's what i experienced right my ego diedthat and i do believe that you know what are we allconnected by what's the one thing that everysingle person that is connected to this planet has to doin order to stay here and when we stop doingit we're no longer just breathe yeah i got somemeditation yeah yeah no it really it makes senseand i think humility i wish i would have learnedhumility at a much younger age and let go ofmore ego and i don't know if that's just throughmaturity but um i don't know if that's a gen xthing i don't know but i think humility goes handin hand with that you were a little stuck upwhen we weren't i'm just kidding what do you mean bythat how many understand humility i would i didnot consider myself stuck up because i was so yeahyeah yeah cut open because of my my childhood buti'm curious what you think in it and i did admireand look up to the popular kids that were popularin a way that i didn't understand because i didn'tcome from a family where a mom actually tookcare of me and cared if i what was the thing i don'tremember what we talked about but tell me whathumility humility like i feel um is is when youapproach anybody it could be in your daily lifethe grocery store your job or just coming at itwhere you're not automatically in competitionwith whoever you're talking to or trying to comparethat's competition but um i've got a great bookfor you you're coming you're coming and everythingwith an openness and it's not about you you'rejust present and if somebody's talking to youyou're truly listening to what they're saying andnot thinking about what you're going to say nextand compare it to what they're saying you'rereally just present and absorbing what they'resaying and it's okay you don't have tocounter it sometimes you do to relate with someone'sbe like i understand what you're saying becausebut not it's not just back and forth like you'replaying tennis okay well here's my experienceoh that's yours here's my experience so it's justthat you're not judging people is what wellyou're not judging people but you're also not trying toone up with anyone or clout chase or it's justthat's their experience it doesn't really haveanything to do with your experience you canlisten to someone i have not to interject yourself youknow i have a practice you could do for sevendays with each other do you want to try it solet me let me get let's frame it yeah what youwere saying what i heard is being present foranother person and actually listening to themand the way that i have been taught by an fbihostage negotiator is that you repeat the last three words of what someone saysand how i look at this is it's um getting gottenand what you're basically doing is getting thatperson and i've gone on lots of days after youknow i've got all these tools i've been practicingcommunication skills for so long and the key ismaking it about them and holding space for theirlife yes so you guys are doing that like uh likean active listening exercise because that's kindof like that repeating back what i just heardright the confirmation the essence of what thatperson just said before you move on to whateverit is that you want to talk about for seven dayswith your son don't add what you want to say iknow it's hard because he's 15 right i get it iget it and try it with whoever you can maybe atwork whatever you want to try with each other forsure yeah but what i have practiced doing is idon't need it to i'm full every morning i meditatei fill up with mother earth i meditate i'mpresent yeah so i don't need to talk at all about myselfso i've gone on dates where all i did was repeatback with i heard that person say and by the endof it they'd be like i feel like i didn't get toknow anything about you i'm like yeah that's rightyeah i don't need you to know me i want tosupport the evolution of the humanity of theperson that's in front of me and hold space forthem if they've got things to share and it's somuch easier if you have conversations whereyou're really just being present for that personbut i think what i heard you also say abouthumility is um the competition and i wanted tosay there's a book so good and it's in mybook that i wrote and the chapter is bright lightand i had a meltdown with another woman and mymentor said to me i want you to read this bookby alphi khan it's called the case againstcompetition it changed it was another turningpoint and he teaches you he's a psychologist andhe goes back alphi khan's a great author by theway but it's like a really interestingmanuscript about how we are created in society to competewith one another and it builds insecurity and italso is uh competition is insecurity 100 that'swhat it is yeah so when you start being presentwhen you're full because you don't need someoneto hear you you don't need me to be um i don'tknow validation that external or admiring or yeahwhen you love yourself and you know yourselfand you're confident in your own body yeah you canbe as nice to the grocery store clerk as you areto the president of the united states they're bothjust fucking people and and it really whenyou start to um function through life like thatuh you realize that you're changing the frequencyof that person's day like for that moment you youkind of shift helped everything shift for themtoo because you're giving them that space you'regiving them that positivity you're givingthem that time it could be something as simple asthat interaction with the cashier at thegrocery store but for that moment you you you shiftedsomething right there doesn't mean the personbehind you isn't an asshole and is going to shiftright shift it right back for them to where theywere but you're at least at least you're you'recoming from a place of giving and and it's it's amuch smoother and enjoyable way of going throughyour day it really is i was just gonna say i'vefound when you do that though so many people don'tknow how to deal with it they don't know how toabsorb it if whether it's like i was telling youwhen we're up in dc and i was saying hi to thethe cleaning crew they were looking at me likei was an alien and i was just trying to be nicebut they didn't know how to take it because they'renot in that environment up there whereas downhere it's way more receptive it was wild yeah well iwould ask you questions about that because uh yohablo muy puedo que to las panao but yo necesito auh i want to learn spanish when i practicespanish with people who speak spanish it doesn'tmatter what where how when i try when i it'sabout language in many cases sometimes it canbe frequency of energy sometimes it's what yousay and then you realize that when you just doa little yo hablo muy puedo que to las panao youthink you think that goes a long way then it's justspeaking there like it has to as i say it outloud um i don't know if they didn't make thatassumption that's why i stuck with english to behonest with you down here they're spanish they alot of them are spanish i made the mistake onceof i had a driver taking me somewhere and i assumedhe was indian and he was pakistani i totallyoffended the guy so ever since then do you knowhow to speak indian versus pakistani no but theyhate each other so if you call an indian personpakistani or pakistani but i can only beresponsible for my intention so if my intentions are good andi'm actually speaking spanish to try to connectit's like a half a percent of people who wouldever in my experience get offended itliterally brings me closer together i get people givingme stuff like i have friends that go to the sameplace that they've gone to for 20 years and i juststarted there because i just moved here yeah i amvery fortunate to be genuine and present in my bodyand people can feel it when you're not doingsomething to get something but you're literallyjust being present to give and you're givingand if you pay attention to in your body wherethat comes up for you and the other thing becauseyou look off sometimes so what i would do with youis i would love to put you guys in an eye gazingceremony together where you look into each other'seyes because the other thing of eye contact whenyou hold eye contact with someone and you breathewith them that is one of the deepest connectionssomeone can make because you see the eyes are theseat of the soul yeah soul but i think that men alot of men have that's a very intimate space yeswhat you're talking about it is and i think somuch for i'm generalizing i know there's gonna befor listeners i know i'm generalizing but i thinkfor a lot of men i like to make people uncomfortablei think their idea of intimacy is the actual actand they're they they miss all the other levelsof intimacy they can make that act agazillion times better yes but they want to they skipbecause i think growing up they weren't eventaught about any correct so they don't even knowright and so when i teach people that at a barand they want to know what tantra is i'm like let'sjust do eye gazing yeah let's just sit where doyou feel it in your body let's just breathe togetherand hold eye contact yeah how does that feelmen and women both are very uncomfortable with itbut here's what i've always thought you can'tmeet someone where you've never met yourselfand so for me to have someone who's going tomeet me they better have met themselves otherwise wejust can't play i mean i no judgment god blessyou go do what you need to do but you got in orderfor somebody to really know themselves you knowi don't care if you get a mirror out and you sitin the mirror and you breathe and you get nakedand you just love into the person that you arefortunate to come here to be yeah like there'slike an essence of that and i'm not criticizingyou didn't do anything wrong i'm just sayingthat when and i don't know that scenario i couldimagine there's probably a thousand thingsthat were going on we have no idea but generallyspeaking that's usually my intention is toconnect authentically and cultivate trustand the way i do that differs depending on theenvironment i'm in but if i speak spanish to youand you're not spanish yeah because whatmy intention was is to connect authenticallycultivate trust and i've made that mistakea couple times and some people are offendedand some people aren't but either way they're notmy people if they're yeah if they don't know wheremy heart is and you can't feel it that's okayand you know where you're coming from so you'recomfortable with either reaction because theirreaction isn't going to affect you as much youknew you were coming from a good place yourintention is positive communication is theresponse that i get so it's a learning so if iget a response that's not positive then i go back towhat you just did which is okay so what was inot seeing in that moment that i missed because youknow that happens to me just yeah for me i didn'ttake it personally i was it was more that it waslike how could i i would rather have connectedand it didn't happen and it was just it was genuinehow's your day how are you hi we're in the same elevator togetherwell so you mentioned dating before i havea question about that but you were in thisrelationship for 18 years uh and you guys didn'tget married correct yeah i don't believe in gettingthe government involved in my relationshipunless there's a lot of money okay so that was my thatwas my question was anybody wants to apply withit okay did he want to get married and you didn'tor both of you were on the same page no we didn'twe both had an agreement he did get married duringcovid he's going through a divorce right nowokay but when you were together you were both onthe same page with that yes no kids no marriageand have you always not wanted to have kids yeswhen i was very young my mom said never have kidsand never get married she screamed it at me okayi think we wrecked the third car i don't rememberokay so that stayed with you with me and i just imean i need to re-raise myself i had no businessbringing someone else into the story right thenyes i just didn't and i just didn't want theresponsibility i mean even an animal yeah a loti mean god bless you i got enough doing all righthere i got i got a full-time job yeah so child freeby choice and there's a lot of womencurrently that are making those choices in the youngergeneration i think for a lot of gen x women itwasn't as common because we were raised to getmarried and have children right you did whatyour parents did and told you to do it's all aboutprogramming yeah exactly did you find as a genx woman being child free by choice um was thatuncomfortable at times by people's reactions tothe fact that you weren't married you didn't havechildren no okay but i i don't take personalother people's behavior usually when i was younger andevery we went to 29 weddings there was one weddingthat i was like maybe i want to get married i don'tknow because you see it happening it's just likeanything pavla's dog it's happening over and overagain do you want to do it yeah and it wasstill a no it's i do want to get married nowit's oddly enough i know exactly where i'm goingto get married um i've visioned it i do envisionit like i imagine and i'm so excited um but uhthen no i didn't i and i and i've been reallysatisfied with the choices that i've made i'mreally grateful that i made the choices that imade why now though what's changed um well i wentto this place in taloon that's so beautiful and itjust felt so good to be there and i could justsee myself with shoes off white dress all my friendsaround and you know having that commitment andthat honoring of our relationship and i'm fucking oldso i mean i only got one last relationship in methat's going to be long term so now i'm open toand um it doesn't have to be legal like it couldjust be a ceremony we were talking about doing aceremony before i ended my relationship i wasgoing to have jess and timberlake come and playor beyonce i had all these delusions of grandeurum can i ask um or may i ask why you chose to endthe relationship because that's a long relationshipit's a big story so how i'm going to frame it is ioutgrew that relationship we were in therapy andi do recommend every person out there who's in arelationship with someone who isn't you to havea coach or a therapist or somebody who helps youtranslate that relationship because it's sovaluable to have we always had a coach helped uscreate our relationship so over a telephone wedecided to come into monogamy and i remember thecoach arguing with us and he's like you can'tbuild a relationship on fun great sex adventureand as long as we're learning and growingtogether we'll stay together i found that icontinued to grow we got 40 acres in tahoe he fellin love with the land i went to tony robbins i keptdoing all of these things and i continued to moveforward and he loved taking care of that land he'sstill taking care of that land it's almost caughton fire the snow fell through the roof but that'swhat he chose we had a baby that was yeah 40acres and it's every guy's wet dream every manthat we brought on that property it's off thegrid it was great it was like family robbins inthe first year we got a foot of snow the secondyear we got 20 feet of snow in a matter of hoursand i was like look i have been saving and i cantalk about money all day long i studied so manybooks on money i would recommend reading therichest man in babylon if somebody hasn't readthe millionaire next door stop acting richthere's so many juicy books out there die with zero forthe parents who think they need to save so muchmoney instead of actually giving it to the kidsand enjoying it in the moment but back to thethe ending of the relationship so now we've got 40acres 20 feet of snow i have been working my assoff for 20 years almost traveling two weeks outof every month he's a surfer doing living his lifeessentially because i didn't really know who i wasi loved every minute of it we had a greatrelationship we did personal work togetherspiritual work medicine work and um there wasa moment that i remember having a conversationwith him where his habits changed and it wasn't avalues change it was just the behavior had shiftedin a way that no longer matched what i wasactively pursuing and then i don't know i can'ti can't tell this part so there was anotheract that happened when i went back to san diegoand someone um turned on my kundalini when mykundalini got switched on what's that the kundaliniis um it's like a snake that lives inside youit's a spiritual energetic field and it got flippedon from an energetic healer and when it turnedon everything looked different to me the thingsthat originally looked like love now looklike control and i just started seeing everythingdifferently but i don't think it was one thingthat happened i always tell people you're eithergrowing together or you're growing apart and ithink we grow apart he fell in love with the landhe wanted to keep tooling the land um you knowwe'd eat dinner at home we'd have breakfast at homei love going out you know i'll take myself out todinner when so weak i love having fun i want to beyou know and this was like family robinson great it was the shining at the endand so eventually it was just like no longer mybag you know yeah that makes sense and so how hardwas it to disengage your life from him andfrom everything there's a book called consciousuncoupling yes by kathy woodard and um who madeit popular um gwyneth paltrow and chris yeah what'shis name rm rm no chris um martin yes from uhcoldplay thank you yeah it's been very famous latelyyes and they made that book famous so basicallywhat happened was it was like a big switch insideof me turned off and i prayed and i cried and iwanted it back so bad it was like where did thelove go it was like i wasn't in love anymoreyeah and it um it was heartbreaking it was reallydifficult for me but i'm not a person who staysand what i learned is if i had a kid i think thishappens to a lot of people they know it's overand they have to stay because they don't want tolose the kid you don't want to share and we'renot cutting it in half i want to not be with itright and then they stay and instead of speakingit out and communicating it in a loving way becausei said love we're gonna stay on the frequency oflove this whole time it got rocky did i do it theentire time no but i my intention was to bringit back up to love the frequency would go here webring it back to love and because the love thatwe had that we shared for so long the the basis ofwho we are is love so i just continually broughtit back to that and so we consciously uncoupledand brought our community in and asked for support we did a video to talk about thefact that we were uncoupling and shared it withour business partners and um and that was one ofthe most difficult things that i've ever done inmy life is to walk away from somebody who helpedme get sober who's a one of my best friends whoi adored and shared such an incredible 18 yearswith we had so much fun i became who i ambecause of him he's my mentor in business and play andeverything like i'm so fortunate to have hadthat chapter and everything in me said is this overeven though i i really tried but it just wasdone how old are you when you i think about 46so i'm 54 now it's been about eight years eightyears and so um when you left tahoe where did yougo when that was done where did you what wasyour next phase of life then where did you end up ibounced around a little bit so i've beentraveling and being a nomad for many many years trying toidentify where whitney wants to land next butthe first stop i made was burning man was that yourfirst time there yes that's my only time to go iyou guys like basically what i realized is whenthat relationship ended he's secure attached myfavorite book is the attached one of my favoritebooks attached if you've never read that it'ssuch a great book teaches you about attachment styleshe's secure attached i'm anxious attached becausemy childhood he's normal i came from a pretty crazychildhood so being in that relationship i was uhanxious attached anxious secure so when we endedi had no idea what was going to happen and whathas happened up until now this is the first timelike in this last year where i've beenreally settled i'm so happy to be single because iam in love with all parts of me all parts of mylife everything i've created and built and i'muntangling from the need to hustle you talkedabout it i'm in my 50s i hustled for so longi love being in florida the water's warm buti traveled for quite a while and then you knowshortly after i was 46 when i turned 50 umjust before i think i was 49 i was at a ceremonyand i drank too much water and i had a seizureand i went into a coma oh my goodness yeah youcan over drink water i didn't know that yeahyou can you totally mess up your electrolytes yeahall the electrolytes had a seizure went intoa coma for two days fortunately i did all thatmedicine work where you leave your body and youcome back in so it was bliss i mean i don't knowthat i wanted to come back but i'm supposed tobe back to do more work where were you when thathappened i was in san diego okay so um do youremember being in the coma anything from being inthe coma i remember coming back and i rememberlocking eyes with my shaman who looked like thisand i was just like so blissed out didn'tunderstand because what i experienced again wasjust love there's so much love when yourunconsciousness goes and people are so afraidfor people who die that go to heaven helpyou just become energy the energy you are nowit's the energy that you meld into i believethat's why i'm doing so much work and i'm doingit for the whole consciousness i think as wellas myself but the more you love the more you'reintentional the more you're present the moreyou work on yourself the more you love yourselfthat's all we're responsible for and that's allyou're taking with you you you you love yourselfso much that you set a great example for yourkids and that's where they'll go too then theyhave to work on themselves it's their job butafter the um after that ceremony and the seizurein the coma i had to get my heart surgery prettyquick okay so that's when you told me that i neededto do that and um i did that at cedar sina iinterviewed six doctors and um i believe thatthe work that i did in my career was preparingme for that event i found out i had um aorticbicuspid stenosis when i turned 40 i had done dmtevery month for a year if you don't know what dmtis god molecule joe rogan it makes your heartrace and it takes you to a different planet butwhat it did for me is it created a connection withgod like nothing i've ever experienced and it alsoeliminated my fear of death completely i havezero zero fear i don't want to go yet now i'mhappier than i've ever been oh my god i had noidea that i could get to this point if you metme 20 years ago you would not recognize i don'trecognize myself i have videos and things that iwould do and i could see my face and where i'mholding all this energy and pain and it's releasedi've done enough presence work where it's gonewhen i did that ceremony every month for a yeari started having shortness of breath and then iwent to the doctor and they said oh yeah you haveaortic bicuspid stenosis and you're gonna haveto have surgery on your heart open heart surgeryand i was like oh crap but it wasn't that sooni just couldn't do that medicine anymore so istopped doing dmt what is what is the impact ofdmt on your your heart rate um they put a heartmonitor on me i did it once since i've hadheart surgery and my heart hit 190 beats wow that'sover our hundred percent mark people with heartissues i do not recommend dmt because your heartcan also go erratic but it has been such a homefor me because that was the first medicine i everdid that i i wanted to experience it one moretime and he kept my eyes open and he made me look inthe mirror the whole time it was an incrediblyhealing beautiful experience can you microdoseit so it doesn't i've done that yeah so youdon't leave it's amazing but for me my heart stillit's not a good idea for people like if i honorthis life that i get to have and i don't want toleave because when you go it's the death of theego you're experiencing death so unless you'rereally up for that like i know so many people whoexperience so many wild things on the planet likejumping out of an airplane and going skiing wellthis is my jumping out of an airplane i just skiinside yeah yeah i have a question when yousay the death of the ego and you'd mentioned theceremony before i what was what was it thethe route that i i i began that was years laterwhat do you what are you considering the deathof the ego i'm thinking in terms of like froydianego and and that is what what's your conceptyou're not thinking while you're in medicinethe medicine guides you into your body it'sinto the spirit world there are i believe multiplerealms happening with us right now butthere's only one that we're present who's the thirddimension this is that what we're having in theconversation this is all we can see when you shutthis down you can see other parts of um elementsthat are happening uh what is it called so it'sit's less of a hallucination more of a freeing ofthat conscious ego i guess in a sense and it's justwhatever's whatever enters i guess i think it'sup to you i think everybody's different so whateveryour experiences is for you with my and i and idon't like to tell people like too many detailsand i think it's a wise choice not to yeah becauseyour experience could be completely different thanmine but all by the way i'm not a doctor i'm notrecommending anyone do right this medicine journeyi do not want to be liable because there's mentalillnesses out there and people can literally losetheir mind and you feel like you have lost yourmind there were moments where i wasn't sure if iwas coming back i didn't know if i'd make it backbecause you get so like out of it and then that'swhere i realized how we're all connected becausewhat he would say is breathe hold it because youtake the medicine hold it hold it hold it andthen i'd go and then you go and then your bodystarts to breathe again because the body knowswhat to do our bodies are so so vital in actuallytrying to share with us what's going on but manypeople are so brain programmed so what i would sayis that if you could do medicine that wouldallow you to release that but the first medicine istart would start with would be meditation idid write a little book about this i interviewedum what's his name who wrote the um oh i don'tremember his name maybe it'll come back to mebut i would start slow like maybe smoky marijuanaif that's not for you a little mdma mushrooms dothings that are a little slower dmt literallyshoot you into another planet yeah you leave your bodyyeah and this guy kept me awake the last time idid it but anyways and it also is very taxing onyour body so as you get older i had no idea butand the book uh guy was zero he literally says lookyou're everybody's saving so much money where whenyou get old you don't want to travel when you getold you're old you don't want to leave the houselike you're not going anywhere like you did takethat vacation now spend that money take therisk yeah so with the heart surgery was it umgenetic and i think you had mentioned it wasgenetic in addition to the abuse the drug abuseright yeah yeah yeah so i mean they didn't talkabout that with me we didn't have that conversationi didn't educate them on that because what thedoctors do when you interview them to become yournew heart surgeon who's going to do the surgeonthey're just surgeons basically they all told mebut the surgeon i chose which valve i wasgoing to get all of them one of them like i traineddoctors for a living for 20 years i've beenteaching doctors how to transition their businessfrom traditional health into alternative medicinehelping people lose weight and now i'm going in soi made this the biggest project of my life just toframe it the intention that i put on this was notfrom fear the intention i said was life happenswe've got these things that are god is dishing usor whatever you believe you're getting handedthis opportunity i got handed the opportunity ofyou're gonna have heart surgery at 40 they toldme you're gonna have heart surgery one day you'regonna have to have open heart surgery what do youwant to do how are you gonna play this card yeah sowhen i figured out that i had to get it prettyquick i decided to put together a group of peoplei think i organized 60 people i set anintention to put together my crew fortunately i foundheart valve surgery calm it's a it's a book andit's an uh a website about the book i went throughit i interviewed six physicians the last one ithink it was the last one no second to the last onehe uh looked at me and um he got up and walkedout on me and what i said to him because i knew iwasn't gonna go with him there was a rip on thething his plate i wasn't gonna i'm about to givea man at five hundred thousand dollars that's howmuch heart surgery costs by the way you don't knowit because your insurance pays for it i hadincredible insurance and i knew i was interviewingthem because i had the confidence to and um isaid can i ask you a question and he leans in and hegoes yeah and i said why do you think men thinkthey can tell women what to do with their bodieshe got so mad he's like whoops are you are youcrazy are you gonna make it about this he got upand walked out on me so i got up and left i knewi was done with him then the next one i wanted toget on my weight loss program he was unhealthy hehad broken blood vessels so i knew he drank so iwas like look i needed a i really like yourdemeanor you seem like you can handle me if youcan handle me you can handle my heart and i puthim to the test and got in my weight loss programi asked him if he quit drinking well one of myguides said you don't want someone to quit drinkingthat's been a drinker true true true so then iknew that he wasn't the one and i was like okaylet me pray on this and ask for the guidanceyeah one of my besties came and stayed with me shesaid oh let's call my auntie she had open heartsurgery and she got minimally invasive surgeryhere's my i don't know if you can see it oncamera but here's here's my scar you barely see it so igot your hair might be covering minimally invasivesurgery is basically incredible so what the otherthing i want to tell you see it now right wow iasked every single surgeon that well i only choseone i asked the one surgeon that i actually saidyes to i need five of your patient's phone numbersso i can call them and talk to them and i metthem on zoom i was in tears hysterical they cut youfrom here to here when you do that surgery thatwas a no yeah so remember anybody out there who'sgoing to get anything done ask to talk to at leastfive people i don't care what it is money managingheart surgery plastic surgery gallbladder idon't know just asked for five contacts because thenyou'll see the kind of work they did and when idid i said hey i'm gonna have a plastic surgeonin the room and he goes no you're not i'll showyou up and i was like why this is the guy who iwanted to quit drinking and getting him to loseweight and then i met my friend's auntie and iwent back to him and i said hey i want minimallyinvasive surgery and he goes oh i'm not doing thatfor you i i can't know whitney that no and i justgot his no and then i slept on it and i was likeis he telling me no because he can't do itbecause he's at the end of his career he's old he's inhis 60s or because he doesn't it's not safe andso i got the heart valve surgery dot com book ijust prayed and said okay i'm going to interviewone more and i found my doctor who was the firstone who said um what kind of valve do you wantand i got the bovine so i have a little um cow heartyeah but i put together this was the biggestproject of my life and i thought well why notmake this health thing my biggest project so iput together the group the prayer group because ibelieve that the people that can focus on faithand not fear those are the people i invited bythe way yeah those are the people i knewwould stay in that vibration of trusting thatwhitney's got the best doctor cedar cyanidei um what's the doctor's name was it dannyoh i want to know what it is okay i god you'dthink i'd remember he held my heart he was a cedarcyanide he moved to texas he got recruited rightafter my heart surgery it was the most incredibleand at the end of the surgery when i was pullingout the cord like they put this whole thing fordrains in there the nurse was in awe she'slike you're the first patient that i've everpulled this out of it didn't hysterically cryall i did was breath like you would if you werepregnant how do you breathe through pregnancyyeah it's breath and yeah taking people backthere every time i have a conversation i tryto get people to remember yeah meditation ismedication and that's where you can find sourcein a way that most people don't realize that it'sthe new this is all new technology but it'snot new it's just we're becoming aware of it likechachi ppt i've heard is it always existed butwe needed to become conscious enough to align withit and to me right so this group that you puttogether what did you do with this group so ichose a few of my friends to help to set the umset the intentions that were spiritual guides thatare very powerful women and we put togethera ceremony i did um one ceremony before thesurgery where we had a little sound bowl and i didmy sound bowl i have a sound and then my girlfrienddid a prayer and we did um setting the settingup the um environment basically it's um calling inthe ancestors uh the four directions i don't knowif you're familiar with that so i like differentspiritual modalities so i use the women inmy life that are very spiritual that i knewwould help me set this up so it would be asuccessful surgery because i believe you cando all kinds of fun cool stuff and be creative toset a container like you do here so that you getthe best outcome and that's what i did i set thecontainer we got together i let everybody go aroundand share their prayer for me and i created thisspace it was super powerful super beautiful i tookvideos i still have the videos that i kept totake myself through the memory of that and it stillto this day is something that i'm more proud ofthan any other part of my life i got the surgeryduring covid wow and would you say doing allof that definitely aided in your in your in theactual surgery and also your recovery time thatit just went with you through the whole processyou know i can't answer that question because doi know for sure that it did what i what i'm clearon is when you have a project whether it's a kidor anything else when you set the best intentionand you stay focused on what you want to createand the love that you know you can build withinthat environment and calling in all the helpersthe best possible out what is supposed to happenam i supposed to be here i only know becausei'm here right right so you had this surgery youobviously had a good recovery i'm assumingright did that all go well it's very painful and theworst part of it was the um what's it calledwhen you can't go poo constipation i've neverbeen constipated before that was like the worstthing i've ever experienced and it was from thetramadol they put me on i was gonna say thatwas from meds yeah awful yeah the rest of it wasbreathing and loving myself and doing mymeditation and staying focused on what i'm grateful for igot to recover malibu one of my besties i'mgoing to greece with she took care of me and a doctorfriend who was part of my team she came and tookcare of me the second part so and i actually had abreakdown with her after as i was recoveringwhich was unfortunate talk about competitivenessor comparison so it was unfortunate but um youknow i feel like some people are in your lifefor a reason a season or a lifetime a bigbeliever in that yeah i don't have to be upset or angryand bless her and i i wish her well and i'mgrateful that i had the opportunity and thatshe was kind enough to help take care of me sothen from southern california is that when youbounced over here to florida or did you go i'vebeen traveling for years okay so then you trustso you had your surgery in 2020 you recovered insouthern california and then did you continue totravel yeah uh one of my besties i'm so gratefulfor her she has helped me so much she's been suchan angel um she told me she was pregnant wereconnected and she's like you know um uh itold her i'd just gotten the the lease at wherei was living they raised the rent they sold theproperty for eight million dollars and um and iwas like i i need to move and she was well ourhouse in park city is vacant do you want to gostay in the house and i said could i stay therefor four months she said sure and then i contactedmy nest bestie which was in hawaii and i said couldi stay there for six months sure so i justmoved from park city the day that i left at snodethat and the horses and the beauty and thenature there and her home was so beautiful i felt sofortunate blessed then i went to hawaii and ilived in hawaii for six months and hawaii spit me outit's it rained for six weeks and then i went tocosta rica porta rico i just traveled to see wherei wanted to live and i ended up here and i gotsick here which i mean like i believe everythinghappens for a reason and my girlfriend said don'tgo to spain if you're sick because you don't speaklanguage you don't want to be sick in spain so iwas supposed to go to spain for the summer so istayed and swam every day in the ocean herewhich you can't do in socal nice no no it's beautifulit's amazing and spiritually i was like this ishome why did you choose florida well one of mybesties with the six-year-olds i'm in love withher little girl and actually in my book i openedthe book with how many people had a parent whoactually sat with them in their emotions i'vegotten to witness this girl my mygirlfriend raised her little girl with that kind ofcommunication how are you feeling it in yourbody and i mean granted there's moments you knoweverybody has their moments and you know you youhave to step up sometimes but she's done such abeautiful job and they live in porta rico so imoved to porta rico for four months i tried that onit's not a place for a single white woman whodoesn't speak spanish if i spoke spanish i couldmaybe pull it off but i just don't think thatwas the spot for me not you know yeah i hope thatcomes out the way i meant it but um then um whathappened in porta rico i can't remember why thatone didn't work but oh yeah it's hard to get foodeverything's hard there you so it's a harder lifeit's more work than it is to do it here so thiswas just the match yeah you just so then when youfirst got to florida did you i lived in costa ricatoo by the way okay yeah and that spit me out toothey stole all my stuff oh man so i just go placesand but it was a gift like so so yes it was roughi'm not saying it wasn't but i i found a videoof myself the day that they stole all my stuffi was still very spiritually alert like what's thepurpose here why what happened i didn't get rapedyeah they didn't beat me up they stole myselfwhile i was sleeping fortunately i smoked potthat night so i was passed out it was a superbowl with the neighbors and they crawled throughmy window pulled them the cell phone wassitting right there but i was an injured and when youthink about your life and you focus on thosethings that went wrong it's this lesson thatmy former partner taught me in business he tooka white piece of paper out and he wrote a blackdot on it he used to hold it up and he did thiswith me one time when i was like i wanted to giveup with that business we built a thousand timesand i walk in and i'm like oh shit the shipping'snot working so he writes this black dot he holdsup the piece of paper and he goes what do you seeand i said a black dot and then he goes but what about all the white spacewhat about all the all everything else that'sgoing on around you like it's just money it'sjust material stuff and i've really come tobecome aware of that that it's not about theother things so when they sold myself i wasjust so fortunate that i realized that thisplace just doesn't want me to live here and awoman said what if this is initiation and i saidif this is how this place initiates i'm notinterested and i've had a man say that to mebefore he goes but i love you and i'm like butthis isn't how i'm going to be loved well thatbrings me to my next question so when your relationship ended how soon did you waituntil you entered the dating world and howhas the dating world been for you at this age ofyour life yeah um well i had a kundalini awakening and i needed to um explore thatso the person who helped me awaken mykundalini after we ended i entered into a very crazyexperience that i wish i had done but wasnecessary because i probably would have never leftas i know a lot of people probably understandwhen you're in a relationship that's not painfulor hard it's just over you know it's scary toleave so fortunately i had a magnet that pulledme out of that relationship that got me towant to see what else experiences i could haveand then after that it's just been um you knowit was the first he was the first person i everwas intimate with sober wow so i had a lot ofexploring to do i've been sober for 25 yearsand i still care about him to this day verymuch and we're still great friends so i want to beconscious of honoring that relationship and notum you know i don't know what this conversationwill do for people who know us so i just also i'mvery aware of that but i just have been exploringand the funny thing is i've said the wholetime i want to have a relationship but i just didthe 30-day tantric hold for the first timeeight years and i had a six-month relationshipbut i said i wanted to have a long term but inever demonstrated that to the universe rightso the first time i did that i had a the relationship that helped me start my bookwow and it wasn't the relationship that i'dchoose for me to be in long term but it was theone that i needed to be in for me to open upbut yeah i mean i just did i had some fun i meanso are there still good men out there to datewould you say because there's such mixed messagesif you go on social media or if you talk topeople and especially for women our age i meanis there still uh positive um options here's howi'll i'll frame it because i've heard all thosestories too i think now as i am growing more andmore into loving and being present in myself andreally having that visual of the best scenario icould possibly imagine for myself i am attractingdifferent types of people you attract the lessonsthat you need you i attracted the same person sowhat was ironic too was i studied my cards ofdestiny which is the deck of playing cards butit's a tarot the tarot allegedly was the originaldeck of playing cards and when i studied that wheni fell in love with it is when it said theperson before you and after you came here to do karmawith my mother was after me which is the jack ofclubs my partner my former partner was the ninaclubs and this last person that i was with isalso the nina clubs so i repeated that relationshipbecause i hadn't quite got in the completelesson and limerence i don't know if anybody's hadlimerence i projected onto many relationshipsand one of my councils said to me but when hewent all the men you dated married and i was likeoh yeah so the first one when i was in san diegoi knew for 20 years he came to me and said heyi'm getting a divorce and i got i got swept up inthat story and and rather than saying to myselfas i know what happens because i've gone through itif somebody's entangled in a connection theyhave to untangle from that connection and it takeswork time space now men will go from oneto the next a little more easily than womenbut what do i want and i wasn't asking thatquestion so i would bounce from one to the nextand the last two that were here one lived athome with the ex and three kids so if you're lookingfor a sign really great though i was so gratefulthat was a great connection good person great guyi mean the answer is yes there's lots of greatpeople lots of great options i was deceived a fewtimes about whether or not they were married so youknow i i didn't know how to navigate that i do nowum people finders is great by the way peoplefinders i would tell you if someone's marriedpeople finders is something you want to do with everyone that you get connected toor ask somebody to do an fbi backgroundcheck because that's new necessary tactics in ourdigital world just for those women out thereor men out there who are dating and want to knowyeah what's the background of this personi'll tell you their financial stuff it gives youeverything that you need to know wow yeah andthat's why i don't give my phone number out topeople because if they have your phone numberthey can look you up actually with your firstnote last name they can too but um it'sshocking wow that's amazing so okay so that's positivethough i mean there there is still somethingout there but a lot of it depends on where you'recoming from well whatever you need to learn iswhat you're going to attract and when you're readyfor that big relationship i haven't been readyfor it i thought it was i wanted it and i had apsychic i love psychics and mediums by the wayif anybody needs a great psychic message becausei've got a list and she told me years ago when ibefore i was 50 she said um your big relationshipis going to come later in life and she said idon't want to scare you you're going to have peoplebetween now and then but you're going to findyour total shocker match when you find yourselfbecause we can't meet other people where wehaven't met ourselves and what kind of relationship didi really want to have in the state i was in doi want to attract someone when i'm bitter angryunhappy physically not where i want to be you'regoing to attract who you are that's just realityso you want to get to be the best version ofyourself that you can possibly be and attractfrom there yeah you got to say that slower youyou're not going to meet people where you've notmet yourself yeah i'm trying to process thati get it intellectually but i'm trying to nowdraw an example to it so i've met myselfin all kinds of medicine sobriety meditationin the most deepest areas of myself and i'mhappy to come on a podcast and talk about some of themost intimate parts of my life now some peoplethat would be really uncomfortable some peoplewould resist it some people would downright notlike it she's pointing at me because she's i haven'tdone my story on a on our episode like we likeour our podcasts our stories and i did mine firstbecause if i'm going to ask people to come andshare their story i better share a shit bettershare mine first brian and i'm comfortable withthat because i wish i would have listened to thatbefore this that might be one thing to send topeople so that they can get a frame and a contextfor how to share because i would i will go backwould you send that to me yeah yeah i'll remindyou for sure yeah yeah yeah but what you'resaying is that you've invited him to come on and shareand he's not ready he's not ready okay so wefluff their pillows because it's not my job to stirthe people who are sleeping and it's mydecision as to whether or not i want to participate ina relationship where so the last relationshipthat i was in as i said um i wrote the chapteruh the man who showed me who my father is um ireally love that guy i would love to be connectedbut he's not met himself in his own shit i'vedone all my work maybe not all of it but i've done90 i did a lot of stuff i've dug it dug it dugit i keep digging it and i'm still doing it and ilove knowing myself so he's got to be prettyyeah it's interesting matt it's such an interestingthing because when you're in a marriage and youstarted a certain place we were very young we're23 right yeah we got married so we didn't evenknow who we you know i was dealing with all mydamage and then i've gone through then igrinded raise children but i also have gone throughresolving healing and i'm still doing thatbut i'm i've faced everything and i i know whereeverything is and why you face your dragon iface my demons i face my dragons so if you it'sinteresting when you're in a relationship ifone person is in that process or has gone throughthat process or embraces that process and then theother person isn't quite there that's interestingin a marriage too and like so the fluffyour pillow thing concept you're talking aboutthat is coming from a place of love and that iscoming from a okay you know the the person who'sgoing through the healing journey has to beokay and accept that their partner isn't ready yetand not have resentment about that orexpectations because it is their journey so you have to findit find that place in yourself of they're justnot there yet and i have to be okay with that oror i mean if it gets to the point where therelationship can't work anymore the relationshipyou outgrow each other yeah grow each other umwhat's funny is that with brian i'm sorry i'mnot meaning to run but with brian um i would sayin the last couple years and he'll be the firstto say he went through kind of an enlightenmentas a man and has saw started seeing everythingdifferently and i think realizing a lot ofthings and continues to so i feel like he has beenunknowingly on that journey um and so he'salmost like still doing enough yeah i was gonna sayenough enough where we're still like maybe i'mhere but he's coming up you know he's coming upso it's not like he's dug in his heels and he'slike i'm not nothing's gonna change you know it'snot and so you have to acknowledge that toonow what's enough for you right exactly exactly ijust think everyone operates at a differentpace or a different level and yeah certain thingswhat's the right way to put this aren't front andcenter to feel like you have to confront or dealwith something whereas other things maybe are butthey're more latent and less conscious or you'reless conscious about if that makes sense for foryou for the person it's a subjective experienceyou know so well i'm also and if i take it awayfrom me and i'm not doing that from out of lackof comfort i find this interesting but i thinkyour advice we've had folks women come on who'vesaid i'm done i've had enough and they they'redone with their husband and they move on and they'vehad they found it hard right that's part of thequestion around are there any good guys out therebecause they've come across a bunch ofassholes i think your way of framing it is very veryinteresting and you know you you found it inthe terror with the nine clubs being the same andyou're repeating the same habit i think a lot ofwomen still do that and it's really fascinatingat our age to the to think of going out there andtrying to find another person if you're into thator if you're just still learning aboutyourself it's going to bring in different people it'sgoing to bring in different experiences i findit fascinating just at an intellectual level ofyou know you've hit this point a switch flippedyou went out and you're discovering this otheraspect of yourself this other journey in a sensethat's just another chapter yeah thank you it'si find it interesting well also like i saideverything i've done in my life has preparedme for the next thing and i studied with alisonarmstrong and i highly recommend that to especiallya king maker is that if you've had kings as achild like you're producing men then her work isextraordinary alison armstrong is from l.ashe's now in colorado but her program is called paxand understanding men is what she does for 28years she studied men so the one thing that ithink most women haven't done is taken the timeout to really get to know the difference betweenmen and women like don't interrupt a man as hernumber one thing so i'm very conscientious notof interrupting you but of interrupting him whichis interesting because i you even said i'm sorryto interrupt but i interrupted you so that is onething because women can come back to their trainof thought what she teaches is that men aresingle-minded focused they're going for thething she said don't talk to them in the carabout something serious because they're notlistening to you they can't they're reallyfocused on where they're taking you they'rewant to be their your hero and men reallywhen she said she's like okay she had this umuh target on the screen and she goes what a manafter and i yelled sex she's no they just wantto be your hero they really just want to be yourhero men have gotten lost they don't fight warsanymore the way they did they don't have thepurpose to work on the farm they've lost theirpurpose women can work just as hard we can doeverything for ourselves they used to take careof us and then she teaches you to let them takecare of you but i love the fact and grateful forthe fact that i understand men so because i'vetaken the time out to get to know them and myselfthe ones who aren't a match i still give themloved up i'll still love them up i i don't thinkthat in general people are bad i think we attractwhat we need to learn and what we need to know andum yeah like i said there are certain things thatyou do want to check out that you know some peopledon't have the ability to tell the truthcompletely and i understand why people are afraid to getdivorced it's a lot of work but um just fromwhat you were just sharing i really appreciateyour perspective and i think um i'd love tohear your story when you're ready to get iti think i'm not if it's not that i'm afraidto do it i i've i thought about it so muchnow and i'm a thinker and we've had reallyremarkable people on here sharing their storiesand you you're another one i this is fascinatingbut we've really had some i want to make sure ido it right in a sense and honor it in a way andtry to be complete because i do want my kids tobe able to listen to it at some point and and getthe perspective of of of me and i do think we'rea special generation i think we've had somereally cool things and some really fucked up thingsand just what we've seen right that's landedon our in our psyche so i want to capture it alli don't want to short change it so i i've gotto start taking notes or something i don't knowit'll happen well but let me ask a question justfrom a coaching perspective what if you did onethat is the 1.0 knowing that you're going todo 2.0 and 3.0 and that you're well if it's foryourself though right that's why you did it wasfor yourself or did you do it for everybody elsewhy did you do the story nicole i did it for umum honestly i i think i put it out there becausei wanted my children to have it and i wanted tohave people your children are never gonna listento that they don't care about right maybe whenthey get older they're grandkids well grandkidsgreat great for future generations right youknow like because i i thought i wish i could goback and listen to my great grandmother's lifeyes that would be cool that was it or wow whenwe talk about topics i'm like i wish i could goback and listen what my grandmother thought aboutthis so it was putting a face and a voice forlike my great great great granddaughter yeah you knowi mean but also eventually my children but sothat was the first motivation and then also ifit would help anyone out there listeners if they'vegone through things i really think you should sendit to your guests before they come on and i thinkit would be great to have your story too becausehow incredible is that to hear it for themasculine feminine yeah true true yeah no it'll happen butbut i just wanted one last thing on theconversation around growing men and that you're working onyourself the fact that you are in the game forme the guy that i was dating for six months he gotthe four agreements by dalmiguel ruiz that ismy bible yeah i've studied that book for over 20years and the fact that he bought it and he waswilling that's enough for me yeah and the reasoneven though i knew he was not a match istayed is because i was able now to step out of therelationship and the pain that it was creatingand see where i needed to process these emotions andsee this experience from a new perspectivethat i'd already had already had this experiencethe nine of clubs yeah and my father yeah andnow i'm having it from an enlightened experiencewhere i'd never been before so i was emotionallyavailable to myself to heal those parts where iknow now the next king that is going to entermy life is going to be a completely differentexperience than it would have been had i notstayed in that relationship gotten all the lessonsand held that experience of love that's that'samazing that makes such perfect sense and i thinkthat's just a totally healthy perspective thoughyou're bringing but you probably didn't have iteight years ago or whatever at some point in time right you continue to evolve buti think you're spot on from a healthy perspectiveand honoring yourself and mental health perspectivefor yourself absolutely and it actually leads meto before i ask my last question do you have anyother i do actually okay on this topic in asense um so you coach folks people um what do you seelet me frame it i guess um what she was talkingabout my enlightenment i guess or if i'm rightas i'm i'm evolving from an ogre there's i thinkan element of that is when i turned 50 it was likethings and i've asked people it's kind of cornybut it's like man once i turn 50 i start seeingthings a little differently right so there'ssomething biological there chronological thereum but as far as you're coaching with people doyou see a difference um in their maybe level ofenlightenment or a self-awareness ability totransform themselves given their age so like a35 year old versus a 40 versus a 40 yeah oh that'sa great question and what i found because most ofthe people who can afford to pay for me and arelooking for guidance and coaching is more middleage um the last couple that i worked with were umearly 40s so i would just say that the individualwho is committed to um whether it's healingself-awareness um growth that's what it comes down toi don't know that age has as much to do with itnow i've met some 20 year olds that blow my mindjust recently i mean this kid is like doingso much and i just asked myself god if i wasthat far advanced back then i wasn't doingcroquette and drinking like where would i be nowjim any christmas is so i do believe that umevery age has its opportunities when i turn 30like you just said when i turned 50 i had anevolution when i turned 31 i remember that'swhen i got had to get healthy physically i waslike oh wow this stuff is catching up with meand then when i turned 40 that's when i starteddoing the medicine journey and found out i had toget heart surgery and then 50s i got heartsurgery yeah so you do it when it's right way i thinkeverything happens at the right time so thisenlightenment that you're going through yeahit's probably chronological it's it'sdefinitely situational i think spirit is a big part of itand how you're raised and your environment we canonly know what we know yeah our parents are doingthe best that they can and you guys did the bestthat you could with what you the tools and resourcesyeah and now we have more tools and resources sothen people get to decide do i want to invest mytime and energy into there but if people don'tfind value in it they're not going to invest into itlike being a coach for people i'm a coach forpeople who are ready to change because i can'tdo it for them i've tried i tried to buy it forthem i've tried to do it for them i've learnedover the years that somewhat just like in aa youknow you gotta hit rock bottom that's those arethe people who get sober when you're sick andtired of being sick and tired and you're readyto make a change with your physical mental andfinancial when you are so done being that 49 yearold that you're seven into your 50s and you'relike yeah yeah that makes sense that makes senseany other questions i guess one last thing isit's interesting i have not drank like cold turkeysince april 5th yeah this year i i only know theday because it wasn't a monumental day was we wereat billy strength and it was afterwards we wentand had some drinks but i haven't drank and goingon six months i don't know if i had hit rockbottom there you know as much as it was like ohi just feel like shit i don't want to feel likeshit for the next three days i'm gonna try thisand it's stuck yeah no he has like where i'vehad that occasional drink with special occasionhe's he's stuck with it so you know and iknow you feel great yeah totally yeah and he wasi mean he was the type where he had one martinihe had three more well how how frequently wereyou drinking oh well in our heyday in our 40snightly oh every day yeah yeah in our 40s yeahit was crazy you can't do that when you hit 50no and that's i think that's the big driver it'snot like it was how you feel yeah it's just howi feel and it's um it's a health choice right thewhole you you'd mentioned you know how to reversemetabolic syndrome i do too and but mine was moreout of fear it was like i got my blood testit's like holy shit i'm gonna die in five yearsi don't fix this so i'm gonna fix this and iwent and fixed it i'm wonderful now congratulationsand thanks yeah so it was the physical thing foryou physical health and how you felt yeah and itwas a conscious decision that you decided to stopdrinking so you're so this is what they teach usin aa everybody has a different rock bottom andeverybody's a different kind of alcoholic i chosemy sobriety date it's january 2000 yep that wasit i knew i was done i chose my sobriety day sosome people have the ability to do that andsome people struggle with the addiction their wholelives where i mean i i've talked to people whostill crave it and want it and gosh that would beso difficult smoking and i wish i could smokelike cigarettes like oh my god whenever i seesomebody with one of those buffers i get on itand then i wrestle them for it yeah you have nocravings for anything for well it sounds like doyou have cravings for like nicotine have a cigarettewhen i see other people smoking not a cigarettebut the the vape things that people do because iwas using the zen that's how i got sick i wasusing that zen stuff too much because i'm likeif one's good let's do ten you know i'm an addictso and i should say it differently because i'm nolonger an addict to certain things but um i feellike when you make that decision and then you backit up with discipline choices and you have apurpose behind it it doesn't matter where yourrock bottom is your rock bottom was here mine washere whereas yeah yeah yeah so do you do you haveany inclination to drink at all now or is it'slet's just so now i look at his spirit because i'vedanced with so many other spirits yeah there'sspirit and everything everything has a spiritthis has a spirit like if you believe that thateverything has a spirit i know that particularspirit even though i've done so much work andmaybe i wouldn't have any issues i might notbut it takes me further than away from god andthe medicines this is what i've told people beforethe hard medicines i think i heard this onentourage years ago i i used to do the hard medicines now ido the ones that connect me with god yeah so it'sjust it they relax my nervous system drop me intospirit are used for meditation facilitate deeperconnection with my source so my last question isalways where do you see yourself in five years ivisualize that constantly every day so much joyso much gratitude so much love so much beautyso much power so much abundance so much givingi am in such an incredible place right nowwhat i want to do is have my whitney 3.0 momentso you know i've been thinking about what tocall my book which um the richest woman in midlifetriggered i don't know i'm not clear what it'sgoing to be called but i want to create somethingthat's going to touch millions of lives and wouldlike to be part of a pioneering group that helpsevolve our consciousness so that people arehappier more fulfilled more joy even if it'sjust a percentage and it's a community that iget to help spearhead and i get to support thatspeaking on stages all over the world again anddoing things that i love and having a partnershipwith somebody that i call my beloved wherebecause the thing is about being in a partnershipyou get each other to do things you wouldn'tnormally she's trying to get to do the story youprobably get her to do things that are activelike i don't know i i skied my skis are parkedat my girlfriend's place so i'd love to go skiingi'd love someone to get me out of my comfort zoneto do things that are going to be more active thata guy is going to carry my surfboard to the waterso i don't have to carry it yeah so you know thatis kind of the place that i see myself more lovemore giving more growth in my community and thepeople that i get to surround myself with and umhow old will i be five years from now we'll be59 54 right 59 before 60th birthday yes healthyhealthy healthy i want to be healthy becausewhat i'm seeing now are people that are um i'mgoing to do an event by the way i don't know ifyour mom's here she's not oh yeah she lives withoh my god we're gonna bring her if you want tobring her so i met a woman who is 79 years oldher shoulders are in way better shape than mineher body is fit and she teaches water pilates andshe heats her pool to 90 degrees she lives up inwellington and i'm gonna get a group of women whowant to learn water pilates that are going tobring their moms and we're going to create anetwork in a community of women as we get olderwho are actively contributing she grabbed my faceand she said i would adopt you like that kind ofcommunity to have women the jewish moms are likeoh they're after my heart but to have a groupof people together where we're engaging and thenpeople women have they live longer than men theyhave a lot of well-being and wellness and you knowand if we could bring together that community fora purpose that's greater than ourselves and alsohave fun and engage that would be amazing no thatsounds awesome yeah you have to keep me posted onthat but that's part of what i want to createlike there's a lot of things i can see myselfcontributing to and i just um i'm just sograteful to to oh and then let me say the last thing okayso this is the dr joe stuff so i imagine myselfon his stage sharing about how i healed my aneurysmbecause that comes along with the aorticbicuspid valve and my valve grows back and i am thehealthiest version no more migraines no moreanything and i haven't had a migraine and i haveto look at my calendar but that i'm able toheal myself that i am able to step into that futureself into that fifth dimension that he teaches inclass about just having and holding the thoughtsand the vibration and the frequency of lovegratitude joy bliss happiness health and ihave that frequency enough i'm tapping intosomething so frequently that it's enough to pullin that that unbelievable health because iswear to god i feel like my skin looks bettersince i've been living more and more inthat space yeah so that's one of my visions forfive years from now is i'm on his stage sharingpublicly about how i've been able to take thatwork and integrate it into my life in such a waythat i am healed in physical ways that i didn'teven imagine i was able to do that's amazingthat's a wonderful five-year goal it's awesomeit's full of so much positivity and i hope youkeep me posted on all the things that you thatyou have going on we're my high school sisteryeah you're my sunset sister yeah i love thati love i was at the sunset house all those yearsago so can you believe that no no i mean i'm sograteful that we were brought back together wereconnected and i'm so grateful to you whitneyfor coming on and sharing your story i know thatit will touch so many listeners and um it's justa fascinating amazing journey you have so much toshare so much wisdom to share and you're not evenclose to being done i just can't wait to see whatmore you do i can't wait for the book and i hopeyou'll come back on once it's published andavailable to talk about the book and promotethe book we would love to have you back butagain thank you for sharing your story it's justbeen an absolute pleasure to have you on wouldn'tyou agree yeah totally this has been awesome thankyou thank you for coming on i think you'regonna touch a lot of our listeners we have a lot offemale listeners i think i think you're you'rejust such an empowering force for for for womenwomen our age and even younger right that'sour that is our demographic i i just think you'regoing to be an empowering force a role model anexample um just a positive energy for them it'sit's i'm excited to see what kind of commentarywe get to be honest me too me too it's all goodand for our listeners um we will include everywhereyou can find whitney in the show notes her socialsher website if you have any questions for whitneywe will make sure she sees them so she can respondto you but um if you want to reach out towhitney for coaching all of that information will be inthe show notes we'll make sure you can get intouch with her and um again once her book comesout we will hopefully have her back on to talkabout that i have one more comment just to sayhow impressed i am with both of you and if youthink about frequency that i'm writing this highfrequency and working so hard and we werebrought together for a purpose yes gen x adulting is areally powerful experience that you guyscreated look i was supposed to be off i just say i satwith it i was like this is where i'm supposedto be this experience i got tingles i got chillsyou guys are creating something really powerfulhere really powerful and the experience of gettingto sit in your own medicine and have somebodyreally listen and ask really penetrating questionsand really care there is nothing quite quitelike this it's tasty medicine and i'm reallygrateful that you invited me to have thisexperience thank you well thank you for yourkind words and we're so grateful i knew our ourhard stop had passed and i'm just grateful youstayed yeah so thank you and thank you foryour kind words it means a lot really it does yeahand where you know i was just gonna say we reallyappreciate you coming in it's awesome i'm glad youenjoyed your time here we yes i know i can speakfor the both of us this has been awesome absolutelyand i know in an open book i mean it's 100 100we've got going on and i know our list i trustmyself yes and that's so when you trustyourself whatever happens around you you have to trustthat it's happening for the right purpose andthis is my future yeah and i have to pee justlike your dog yeah i know she's trying to go outum okay so listeners again thank you for listeningplease leave any questions comments we love it and we will see you next time bye