Latest / Chavadi: The Meeting Place / Episode #29 - Puja Shetty

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Episode #29 - Puja Shetty · Chavadi: The Meeting Place

• 0:09
  SPEAKER_04: Hi there, or as we say in Tulu, Namaskara.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_04: Welcome to Chowdi.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: Chowdi means the meeting place.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: Architecturally, it is a veranda, sometimes outside a home, sometimes within, always to welcome guests, to swap stories, debate the news, and pass the time together.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_04: Each episode, we will bring you voices that reflect the rich tapestry of life, memories from childhood, lessons learned along the way, and the moments that stay with us forever.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_04: Some humorous, some poignant, but always special.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_04: I'm Lalita Shetty.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm Sidan Shetty.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: Today we invite you to our childhi.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_02: Today we have Puja Shetty.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_02: She's been married to J Wan for the past 20 years.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_02: They have a daughter, Ishani, who is actually going off to college this uh this fall.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_02: They currently live in Dallas and they were in Michigan for 15 years.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_02: Welcome, Pooja.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_02: How are you doing today?
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_04: Thank you so much for having me over.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, Pooja, where I'm looking forward to speaking with you.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_04: I know I met you for the first time at the Dallas uh Southwest Bana, and I was just so bowled by your enthusiasm and your charm and everything else.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_04: So I'm looking forward to speaking with you today.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_04: Thank you so much, Lalitaka.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_02: Cool.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_02: Let's get started with your childhood.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_02: Um so I guess one unique fact is that you grew up in Ahmedabad for uh you were there for 25 years.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_02: Um tell us about growing up bunt in Ahmedabad.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_02: What did that feel and look like?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_03: It was really nice growing up um as a bunt in Amdabad.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_03: I it was a very tight-knit family.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_03: My father's side of the family was there.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_03: They they migrated from Mangalore to Amdabad.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_03: And when my dad was in his early teens, that's when he moved to um and then got married and had us.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_03: So, you know, we had so many cousins, and the family time was the most fun time I feel growing up, as you know, my dad was very much involved in the Bunt community.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_03: So having that tight-knit immediate family and the Bunt family growing up was really, really amazing.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, absolutely.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_02: And I think you mentioned you always had this consistent stream of people coming in and out of your house, right?
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_02: You guys were just excellent hosts always.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_05: Yes.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_02: So you you always get this feeling of community, and that's sort of part of the culture, right?
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_02: Like hosting, be communal, things like that.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_02: So um wanted to ask you specifically, it's a very specific question, actually.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_02: Um, but I know, like for my dad, my grandfather went from Mengler to Bombay to start the restaurant business.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_02: And I know your dad was your dad's family, was also in the restaurant business.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_02: I'm curious why folks went to Ahmedabad.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_02: Was there something pulling them there at that point?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_02: Or like just curious.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_03: It I think it was just that my dad's oldest sister was married to somebody who was already, they had uh migrated a long time ago.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_03: And you know, I think uh the main reason why folks moved is for opportunities.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_03: That's the main reason I feel my dad migrated.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_03: He actually wanted to become a CA, a chartered accountant, but life had other plans, I guess.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_03: But yeah, yeah.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_03: So he just joined the family business.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_04: And so did you guys help a little bit, or were you, you know, uh going to the restaurant into the hotel, or uh were you as a girl not encouraged to come there often?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_04: Well, absolutely.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_03: When my dad started, it was more like a smaller, like uh the high court canteens.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_03: He used to run different canteens where he used to do catering for for a very long time.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_03: So different small ventures led to our restaurant.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_03: It's called Vaibov Restaurant, which is running for last now, touch wood for last 35 years.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_03: Wow.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_03: So we my dad launched our restaurant in 1994.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_03: Almost as long as my marriage, Puja.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my god, that's amazing.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_04: I think he migrated uh in his early 50s.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_04: So I know you say he migrated early, and but you had a big family there, so lots of cousins, you were very close.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_04: A lot of our guests talk about going back to Mangalore, and that's where they get a lot of their bunt traditions and bunt influence.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_04: What how was it for you?
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_04: Where was your bunt influence coming from?
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_03: Definitely, my parents, when they started their life in Amdabad, they still had their extended family in Mangalore.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_03: They definitely missed them.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_03: And we went to Mangalore every year for our vacation, for our summer vacation.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_03: So I feel that I give A plus points to my parents for taking us, taking the time, because you know, they were building their life in Ahmedabad.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_03: You know, financially, we all were growing, but still, in spite of all that, uh, taking us to go meet our uh uh extended cousins, family, our grandparents, that was non-negotiable.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_03: We absolutely went every year.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_03: My parents, my mom's family was in Bombay, so it was between Bombay and Mangalore.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_04: So growing up in Amdabad, going to Mangalore for your vacations, uh, what was a big difference?
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_04: Tell us some story that maybe when you first went or something that happened that was funny, or like an eye-opener for you.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I feel that city life and uh Uru life is Uru is is the villain is a little different.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_03: I just have such amazing memories going back in the city.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_03: We cook on a stove, yeah, but when we go back, we were so excited.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_03: Like uh they made all these idlis on a fire pit.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_03: And we are just we all cousins were so fascinated, and the idli was made in a small bowl, the batter was poured inside, kept in this big vessel, and it was steamed.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my goodness, just and the taste is just amazing.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_04: Somehow it was amazing.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_04: Yes, yes.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_04: So talking about the sorry, go ahead.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, yeah.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, just you know, uh all those uh uh things that uh we couldn't experience in in city life, we just enjoyed like the coconut trees, the taking bath in the uh uh kunduru.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know if I'm that's the right word.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_03: It's like this big pot of vessel which people just pour.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, and then people pour water in it and it's getting heated from outside, and you have this hot water with I mean, it was just an experience.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know if kids these days will ever experience that, but yeah, I miss those times.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, that those are pretty beautiful times.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_04: Like we tell our guests, uh our listeners, uh Bant community is a community from South Canada, coastal Karnataka, Tolonado, way down south there.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_04: So, do you have anything that equates to Band for you?
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_04: Like when you think of Band, this is what pops up in your head.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_03: I definitely uh uh my early memories go to the beautiful temples, the Devas, the Panjoli, uh Guris, the temples that we had, the sanas, the kolas that happened every time we went for our break, the vacation.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_03: So, I mean, that are my early memories and a little bit of spirituality or absolutely, yes, yes.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_03: And uh I I thank my parents for taking us because that culture is really, really important as a community.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_03: Like the kids should know it's very easy when you grow in a different um state or a place to experience this culture.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_03: I feel the parents definitely need to make that extra effort to introduce this in their kids, you know, to their kids.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_04: And you also talked about a sense of hospitality, communication.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_04: So tell us more about that.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_03: So I feel that um growing up, my uh this is what my dad missed the the oneness, the community that he grew up in in Mangalore, and he wanted to replicate that for us and the people who have migrated.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_03: And that's how he and a couple of more bun families together started the Ban Sangha in Ahmedabad.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_03: And this is how he thought that this would be a nicer way to be uh away from home and experience the culture, show what uh show our kids what the culture is.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_03: Uh because every time everybody couldn't go to Mangalore, you know?
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_03: So the Band Sangha, which was created in Ahmedabad, we had so many programs throughout the years that they we had the Atha, we had the Yakshagana, we had so many artists who came from Mangalore to perform in Ahmedabad.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_03: And my my father and many band uh families together organized this, so it was really amazing how they did it.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_02: It is quite amazing, especially in New City, right?
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, so obviously you mentioned your mom, your dad a lot, um, from a more sort of like a very communal focus, very good at organizing folks.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_02: Um but moving on to your teen years a little bit and your just general adolescents, I want to get a flavor for who they were as parents.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_02: You know, were they chill?
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_02: Like what was your relationship with them?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_02: Were they very strict?
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_02: Um, tell us more about that growing up.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_03: Um it was an amazing relationship to begin with.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_03: I feel, you know, I don't know if you've heard uh growing up in your younger ages, the parents have to be a more like strict and like a parent.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_03: And as you grow up, they have to become your friends.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_03: That's how my parents were.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_03: They were extremely strict parents, but that said, you know, they were very, very loving.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_03: And there are so many instances I feel where uh whatever I am today is because of all the the experience that they share.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_03: My dad had this unique quality of because he was a restaurant owner, every evening when he came home, he used to share so many stories with us, like the kind of customers that came, the vendors.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_03: He used to share so many uh like small stories and experiences, which as a kid I used to be so fascinated.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_03: Nothing like storytelling to reel you in.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_03: Exactly.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_03: So I just enjoyed that time when he used to like uh today we met this person, and that kind of gave me a sense of how they were as people.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_03: So kind, uh so generous, so helpful, uh, so willing to go out there, even if it's our next door neighbor or a bunt community or anybody, I saw my parents being there for their friends and the community.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_03: So that's something I've learned from them.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_03: They were such giving, such, such amazing parents.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, absolutely.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_02: I met them also, and I feel like when I when I meet uh your parents, uh it's sort of like I can see how you and Srinathana specifically are their kids.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_02: Because there's a lot of same sort of characteristics when it comes to community building, that sort of like very um social, but also like warm presence that they had.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_02: It's sort of like has translated to you and um Srinathana, which is super cool to see.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_02: Um and you also I think you had your grandma in the house growing up, and it you mentioned sort of taking care of her and how that sort of made you made a made an impact on your life.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_02: Can you tell us more about that?
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_03: Sure.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_03: My teenage life was not like the usual ones where I get to hang out with my friends to begin with.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_03: I I had just one or two friends because my parents were strange.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_02: That's very hard to believe, Pujaka.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_02: I am not gonna lie to you.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_03: I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you it.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_03: That's the truth.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_03: I had a lot of friends, but I was not allowed to hang out because you know, my parents, being the loving and caring parents, still community plays such a big role.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_03: We were not allowed to do late nights or go for a movie.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_03: Um, most of my time I have spent is with my parents.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_03: I used to go out for dinners for movies with my parents till I was 21.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_03: And so I feel that, yeah, very, very less friends growing up.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_03: But I didn't miss, don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed the time that I spent with my parents because I learned so many, so much from them.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and of course, my grandma who was home, so I felt most of my teenage life went in taking care because you know, my mom was growing older, she worked for 22 years, she was working in Vijaya Bank.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_03: So I want to give her a break.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_03: And when my grandma was ill, she came to live with us, and that was a difficult time because she was working in Bombay, uh, but you know what?
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_03: She was comfortable staying with her daughter, so that's how she came and lived with us.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_03: My grandma was a very um interesting character because she was this lady who grew up in Buru but uh was in Bombay with her family, five kids.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_03: But she was not allowed to do anything other than cook and clean and take care of her family.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_03: So she's she never saw the world out and how beautiful people are in general.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_03: So she was always guarding us.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_03: I think that's the reason that was it was more pressure on my parents of don't send the kids outside.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, it's nine o'clock, she better come home.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_03: Where is she?
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_03: She's she was this very, I don't know whether it was concern or just engraved in her.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_03: Like that's how she grew up.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_02: So yeah.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_03: So I I felt she was so sick, but still she was like, Oh, don't go out, oh um, see if there are more than four men.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_03: Don't go in that autorecha, don't walk alone.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_03: Trust me, I love my grandma, but I was trying as a teenager to understand where this comes from.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_03: Initially, I used to get angry, but you know, that's when my parents, why I love my parents is the way they they never told me that, oh, our uh Anchani, oh, she's like that only.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_03: No, she they made me understand from where she came, the way she grew up.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_03: So that made me even more love her more, you know.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_03: She didn't see all that love or affection or support from her family, which I am getting from mine.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_03: So that made me love her more, you know, respect her more and understand even my mom.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_03: Sometimes I see that phrase in my mom, and I'm like, okay, that's coming from the dog.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_04: That's coming from my in a way, it's its own evolution if you look at it.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_04: Like, way, way, way, way back in the day, they didn't even tell anybody that they loved each other or there was nothing.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_04: This is the duty, you got married, you did this, this, this for your husband, and then you did this, this, this for your kids.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_04: Then the next generation, a little more softness kind of got in.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_04: And like now, some another guest on our show, I think Nitali was talking about how now we say, I love you, I love you a million times a day.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_04: In those days, they did things, and you understood that that's that was love.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_03: Exactly.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_03: But you know what?
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_03: Uh what change I saw from my grandma to my mom is it was more about uh control that okay, girls can do this voice card, and that was something very hard for me to understand growing up.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_03: And my mom was also, I won't say she didn't do it purposely, but she didn't know any better, you know.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_03: That's how she grew up.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but you're part of her times, right?
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_03: And and she was much more, I think, compared to my grandma, my mom was much more considerate as she grew older.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_03: Like, okay, this is not how life should go, or this is not how my kids should.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_03: So she did take a stand at a lot of places, but I still feel that breaking that barrier was difficult for my mom, too.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_03: If my grandma was there, what my mom's uh personalities, my grandma was exactly the same.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_03: If guests come, lavish food, loving, caring, there should be a big feast when people come.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_03: Everybody should get everything, but the boys should get more than girls.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_03: The girls, yes.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_03: Even when we grew up, if Srinath and me and Akka were sitting, Srinath is like, oh, did you give him the leg piece?
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, how does that come?
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_03: Like, you know, that kind of I couldn't, and and you know, we cared for her.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_03: Like, you know, me and my sister, we cared for her.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_03: We we took care of her, we we bathed her, we washed her clothes.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_03: There are like tons of work we did for her, but I'm still in the bottom line.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_03: The love was there, I know deep down.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_03: I think what I am today is because of her blessings, but as you said, that showing wasn't there, it's yeah, okay.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_02: Um and specifically, I want to ask you because you were sort of like a you became this unofficial caretaker for your grandma at a very young age when you were your in your teen years to help your mom out, right?
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, just tell us more about how now thinking about it back then.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_02: Um how do you reflect on the experience of being a caretaker at such a young age?
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_02: Um, curious if you learn any early life lessons because of that experience.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_03: It has shaped me to a very different person.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_03: I've become much more uh patient, uh much more caring, much more uh responsible from that experience that came early on.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_03: I think my grandma loved us so much, but at the same time, there were so many things.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_03: We did have a nurse at home, but she wanted me and my mom to do so much of her work because she didn't trust anybody.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_03: So that's the other thing I learned that it's okay to let go sometimes, everything cannot be in your control.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_03: And I learned that at that time when I was caring for my grandma.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_03: Like sometimes things can go out of control, it cannot, you cannot be at all places at all times.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_03: Sometimes you have to have that trust in somebody else.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_03: We couldn't convince our grandma to trust, but you know, growing up, I I thought that okay, you know, if I can't do this, it's okay to ask for help.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_03: You know, there are so many things that I've learned in that experience.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_03: Like, yeah, I mean, it's just so crazy now that I think about it.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, to do it at such a at a young and early age is is quite impressive.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, it takes a lot, right?
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_03: I think I give all my credit to the parents that I grew up with because I used to lose my mind so many times.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_03: Trust me, because I'm a teenager, you know how teenagers are like full of hormones.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_03: So I think I give my my credit to both my parents.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_03: They calmed me down so much.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_03: And, you know, the stories that they told me, the life lessons that they taught me, like.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_03: It's okay, be kind, be patient.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_03: There is a reason why you're doing this.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_03: You know, she's your grandma, the things she has done for us.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_03: So we should always be more uh considerate about our elders.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_03: So that's the other life lesson I've learned that you know, community, family, the respect that you have to give to the older people, sometimes they are annoying, trust me.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_03: I won't lie, but that comes with the love that they have, which you will now I realize.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_03: Like whenever I look at her, small things like a small story I would want to share is she had this routine in the morning.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_03: She used to get up and uh I used to bathe her, make her wear her sari, and then I used to come out to make her chai, and she loved this bread toast, which we had to make on the stove.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_03: So she used to come and pray, and I used to go and make her tea and bread toast.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_03: She used to sit on the dining table in an angle where she could see me toast the bread, and it was so funny because I used to get the uh toast, and she's like, This is not toasted properly.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_03: You need to toast it on board, and I'm like, uh, and you didn't put too much, uh, you didn't put enough ghee.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_03: And I said, No, Doda, I did.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_03: So she made me go back, it made me so angry.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_03: And my mom, who was praying in the puja room, used to do this to me, like action, like, don't back up anything, don't say anything, just do as she pleases.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_03: And then so, and then now when I think about it, like she was childlike, you know, those are the memories, and then she used to be also this grandma where I used to go somewhere, and if I have uh less money or something, she used to go uh remove her wallet.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_03: She's like, take this, you know, to and and then if my uncles are coming from America, she used to like uh navy the cream can like get navy a cream, and she used to have all of us, me and we had an helper, put cream on her legs, and I think our hands became softer than her legs.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_03: Applied so much cream on her legs growing up, and I'm like, Dotai, you don't need that much cream.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_03: She's like, No, no, no, just apply.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_03: So, you know, these are the small yeah, it's so funny, I'm telling you.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_03: But you know, the love she had for us, yeah.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's the most important part, right?
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_01: That's another part you're gonna do.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, I I remember that now.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_03: I share it with Ishani, and because she didn't get a chance to see her because she was a preemie, um, we couldn't go visit, and she passed away in 2010.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_03: So, yeah.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_02: Got it.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_02: Um, yeah, so sort of like talking about apart from the family, just two major incidents that happened when you were growing up in Ahmedabad was the earthquake and the riots that were going on.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_02: These are two isolated incidents.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_02: So, if you could give some context on um behind both incidents and then obviously share your personal experience.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_02: I know Sri and I had some funny stories, but also sharing stories.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_02: So uh tell us more about how your experience was like.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_03: These communal riots were something which we experienced twice when we were staying there, and it was not very pleasant for my father because our restaurant was burned down to the T both the times uh completely because we shared the complex like complexes, like a strip mall where our restaurant was.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, there was a Muslim-owned restaurant next to us.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_03: So it was really sad.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_03: I quite didn't understand why people would do that.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_03: But at the same time, my my dad was so friendly with all his co-um shop owners.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_03: But you know, it is what it is.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, you cannot control what people think, how people think.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, but it definitely put a dent for our business because imagine the amount of stress that goes in your entire business getting burnt down.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_03: Um, yeah, so that was uh like a very um stressful time for my family.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_02: And to give more context, I guess what are what are these riots about, what's going on in Ahmedabad?
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_03: Um it's just the Hindu-Muslim riots.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_03: So basically, when uh the community grew, there are some parts of Ahmedabad where the Hindus didn't want the Muslims to have their businesses.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_03: So that's when they the any uh Muslim uh owners had their bakery their restaurant, their tailoring business, whatever business, they wanted them to be in a different part of the city and not where the Hindus live.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_03: So that's the whole fight.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_03: That was the whole thing.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_04: And it's often these elements in society that like it.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_04: It's not, you know, the the business owners of both communities were probably fine, but it was these other elements that kind of are roused by whatever and then cause these traumatic things to happen.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, absolutely.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_03: I I don't know how my parents dealt with it because we were still much younger.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_03: We saw the stress, we saw the discomfort, we saw the tension at home, but we couldn't do anything.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_03: But I feel this is when the community came in.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_03: Dad had such amazing friends, Buns and non-buns, who poured their help, checked on him, helped him uh with finding new vendors.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_03: And I don't even know how my dad did all that.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_03: Like, you know, building up the the entire restaurant again.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_03: And I think it is the blessings of all our customers, our loyal customers who came there.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_03: They still come and it's just amazing how my parents dealt with it.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_03: I think community, this is when being affiliated with the community definitely helps, I feel, because his parents were back in Mangalore, and uh, I think his dad had passed away, mom was still there.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_03: I feel that's why you should have a sense of community growing up.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_03: I feel that's very important uh to teach that to your kids.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_03: You never know who will come to help you at what time.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I mean to build a business once is hard enough.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, to build it back multiple times is like ambitious, right?
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_02: So you have to have some people behind you to actually go about that.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_03: And about the earthquake, um, that happened in 2001.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_03: That was also like that's that was a natural calamity.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_03: So we couldn't do anything about it, but it had such an impact on the people around us.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_03: So many people lost their lives, so many of my friends lost their homes because in Amtabad, we didn't have a lot of high-rise buildings, we had more of a bungalow style, like a single family homes.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_03: So that was affected a lot.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_03: Imagine building a house, building your memories, and then one fine day everything just down to dust.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_03: So and a very close friend of mine lost her arm.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_03: She was stuck in the debris for almost eight to ten hours.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, I don't know, and she was rescued, but she she lost her right arm, and it was just devastating.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_03: I just, it was just nerve-wracking.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I can't, it just makes me it just makes me nervous talking about um uh like that experience.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_03: And I was in my 12th grade, we had family friends visiting from Bangalore, our bunt friends, mom and dad's, and it was like my dad wasn't home, my mom was there with, and we had to carry our grandma from the fourth floor to the ground floor, and that was really so nerve-wracking because we had to uh she was like, You guys just go, I will stay here, and we couldn't leave our grandma back, so we just somehow put her on a chair, carried her down four flights of stairs, and it was the most uh horrifying experience of my life because the entire thing was shaking, the elevator wasn't working.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_03: My mom went down with our family friends, and they were old too.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_03: So that was one kind I was traumatized for a long time.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my gosh, I can't.
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_03: I know I had to go to Bombay to stay with my sister for a little while because whenever I came back to the house, I just felt things are shaking, and mom is like, No, you know, you need to go stay with your sister for a little bit.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I was traumatized because of that.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_02: It's a very traumatic experience.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_02: Um but sort of ending on a little bit of a more optimistic, happier note.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_02: I remember that when Srinatana, your brother, was talking about this, one thing is the earthquake itself, but when the other sort of the complimentary part of it is Omnibad's response to the earthquake after that and how beautiful it was that people really supported each other.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_02: I think your dad opened up his restaurant and let people eat there for free.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_02: Tell us more about that.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, I think that sort of speaks to what your family is, what the city is really sort of the fabric as part of.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_03: My parents being my parents, it's just they have always been so giving back to the community, kind of people.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_03: And my dad and a couple of other Bunt restaurant owners, they just had the restaurant open for quite some time for people to come and have their meals because people literally have lost their homes here.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_03: So and I remember one of our my dad's friend, um, I forget his name, he had opened his uh Tatankar, we called him.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_03: He had opened his house, and many of his neighbors and people from the community, bunt and non-bunts, had come and lived in his house for almost a month until they knew where their next uh stay would be, like where would they go?
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_03: So I saw that like so many relief camps were done around the community, and I saw my parents, many of our Bunt community members go and help.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_03: Even I have gone and helped.
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, so many relief camps were done.
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_03: So I just feel that it took a long time to come back from that horrifying day, but yeah, things came back to normal for sure.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and that's just because of the community, trust me.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, and that's kind of like the ups and downs that we go through in life.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_04: And like you said, you've lived in Ahmedabad since you were a little kid to college, and you did you went to college in Ahmedabad, did your business administration, and you briefly worked at a company there, right?
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_04: Uh so life went on, and then it was time.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_04: Most people, most bunt families, the woman as okay, you've done your schooling, you've done your college, here's what you're made for.
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_04: It's time to get married, right?
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_04: Did you experience any of that?
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_04: I mean, that was a little true in our day, a lot more before us, and you are years younger than me.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_04: So, did you experience any of that in Amdabad?
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_03: Definitely.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_03: I feel whether it's your time or my time, I feel that is something I felt our parents and us and the generation coming along should get that support that there shouldn't be like a pressure that a parent goes through in marrying their kids off.
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_03: Because I felt that pressure as we grew up, especially around my sister's time.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_03: And let me tell you that you know how parents they say they are different parents at different ages.
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_03: They were different parents to my sister than they were to me.
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, you know what I mean.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_04: Yes, each child trains you a little more, exactly.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_03: And you know, you grow up, you have experiences, you grow up as an individual too.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_03: So I feel that's something my parents went through a lot.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_03: My parents did find the pressure.
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_03: Luckily, my sister got the right proposal at the right time, and she was 23, she was so young.
• 35:19
  SPEAKER_03: I feel she wanted to study, but the pressure of her getting married was more.
• 35:25
  SPEAKER_03: She was six and a half years older to me, and I was, I I didn't understand why there was the urgency of just marrying your kid off, just give her a break, ask her what she wants to do.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_03: She wanted to pursue fine arts, but I think my parents fell in that trap and had to get her married.
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_03: And then when my turn came, uh I was I couldn't, they couldn't find the right match for me and kids my age, the bunt community that was there, uh, my friends, they all were getting married one after the other.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_03: And I felt that pressure.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_03: And um I growing up was a chubby kid, and uh finding a proposal, that's the other thing, which you know, if you're fat, if you're thin, if you're thick, you know that that was a lot when I grew up.
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_03: So people used to come and give advice like, oh, this is what she should do, that's what she should do, and why is she not getting married?
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_03: And I was always so annoyed, like, why I'm not their kid.
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_03: My I have two beautiful parents and they will marry me off.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_03: Like, you know, I will find somebody.
• 36:44
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know why was that need.
• 36:47
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, but they were still more uh relaxed than they were during my sister's time.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_03: But yeah, I was the last one in the lot to get married, and uh yeah, to find my friend.
• 37:01
  SPEAKER_04: So tell us about your Prince Charming coming along.
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_03: Well, yes, that that's a very um funny story.
• 37:08
  SPEAKER_03: My dad's fio, who was in Bombay, he told my father that, oh, there is this boy who stays in America, uh, born and brought up in Bombay, and now he's working there, and I think he's a good match for our puja.
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_03: And my dad is like, when is he coming?
• 37:26
  SPEAKER_03: And uh, you know, let's trap him.
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_03: Just kidding.
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_03: So just, you know, we were just uh from our side, this is what was happening.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_03: Like, okay, we were looking at different proposals, some boys in Bombay, some in Bangalore, and we were waiting for this Prince Charming who is yet not arrived.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_03: And we were just like, uh, when is he going to come?
• 37:53
  SPEAKER_03: In the meantime, from my husband's side, uh, his mom was because he used to come in these breaks to India.
• 38:02
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, there were only few girls that he could see in a three or four weeks break.
• 38:09
  SPEAKER_03: So every time he came, he couldn't find anybody, and he was so frustrated.
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_03: My husband Jeevan, and he was like, he told his mom, he gave an ultimatum that this time if I come, if I don't find anybody, I'm going to marry an American.
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not going to find a whole bride.
• 38:28
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 38:28
  SPEAKER_03: So I think uh it was meant to be, I guess, uh, when he came here, he was actually scheduled to see six proposals.
• 38:39
  SPEAKER_03: And I bypassed, uh, they said that there is this girl in Bombay.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_03: If you want to uh like meet her quickly before you go see the other proposal.
• 38:50
  SPEAKER_03: So J Wan was like, Well, yeah, why not?
• 38:53
  SPEAKER_03: Let's meet this girl and then I have two more, three more in Bombay, two more in Bang um Bangalore, and let's get it done with.
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_03: So they came to see me, and I think we instantly clicked.
• 39:07
  SPEAKER_03: I think he's the most kindest person I know.
• 39:11
  SPEAKER_03: And our family is just instantly uh felt that connection with both of them.
• 39:19
  SPEAKER_03: My my mother-in-law didn't come to see me in the first meeting, it was just Jeevan's brother, uh, older brother, who's a dermatologist in Bombay.
• 39:28
  SPEAKER_03: He and Jewan, they both had come, and it was such a funny story because Jeevan and his brother come to see me.
• 39:37
  SPEAKER_03: His brother is wearing this Laknavikurta, and Jeevan is wearing this Czech shirt.
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_03: I am looking at this handsome brother-in-law, thinking that he's G-Wan, and he is wearing this white Laknavikurta, and he's talking.
• 39:53
  SPEAKER_03: Jeevan is this quiet person sitting next to him, and he they they enter, they start talking, and then he's like, Oh, by the way, meet my brother G-1.
• 40:02
  SPEAKER_03: And then everybody looks at G-1.
• 40:06
  SPEAKER_03: There were two of them, and there were 30 of us in the house.
• 40:12
  SPEAKER_03: Just so amazing.
• 40:14
  SPEAKER_03: And I told G1, What did you like about me when you saw me?
• 40:18
  SPEAKER_03: And he's like, Well, I I didn't get a chance to see you or talk to you much.
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_03: We were just given five minutes to talk.
• 40:26
  SPEAKER_03: But because my cousin brother and his brother, they spoke the entire time, they didn't let us talk, but I'm like, What did you see?
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_03: He was like, I saw a beautiful spread on the table, and I'm like, Oh my god, she comes from a house uh who knows to cook, and I will never go hungry.
• 40:45
  SPEAKER_03: So that was his first so he saw the spread, he saw the kori, rootti, the endless amount of South Indian Mangalorean delicacies, and he was like, Oh my god, this girl knows to cook.
• 41:05
  SPEAKER_03: Little did he know I didn't cook anything which was on the table.
• 41:10
  SPEAKER_04: But yeah, that was our first meeting.
• 41:13
  SPEAKER_04: Okay, and so how soon after did you get married?
• 41:17
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, so the thing is, we saw each other on March 13th, and on March 21st we got engaged.
• 41:25
  SPEAKER_04: It was just so much Andes these days don't understand that at all.
• 41:30
  SPEAKER_04: Because the minute somebody says, Oh, we just got engaged, and the first question out of all our mouths is, So when's the wedding?
• 41:37
  SPEAKER_04: And they look, even my kids will look at me like, Ma, give them time, they just got engaged.
• 41:42
  SPEAKER_04: I said, Yeah, so what else is there now?
• 41:44
  SPEAKER_03: Times are different, times are different then, and times are different now.
• 41:49
  SPEAKER_03: I feel there are pros and cons.
• 41:50
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
• 41:51
  SPEAKER_03: I we got lucky, I guess.
• 41:53
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
• 41:54
  SPEAKER_03: I've heard horror stories where marriages haven't worked.
• 41:58
  SPEAKER_03: We've God has been kind to us.
• 42:00
  SPEAKER_03: Um so I feel, yeah, it was just like you know, by March end we got engaged, and the funny part was my grandma again didn't want us to meet.
• 42:11
  SPEAKER_03: So every time I went to Jeevan, I had my cousin brother with me, the small 10-year-old who came with us to the restaurant, to the movies, and everywhere we went.
• 42:25
  SPEAKER_03: It was cute, like that's that's good.
• 42:28
  SPEAKER_03: And then I just married Jeevan nine months after that in December.
• 42:31
  SPEAKER_04: Were you worried about coming to the US since you've been now in Amdabad almost all your life?
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_04: And uh, had you traveled here before to the US, or were you just as resilient and tough and warm as your parents?
• 42:45
  SPEAKER_04: So you're like, okay, new journey, new adventure.
• 42:47
  SPEAKER_04: I got this.
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_03: That's what I how I was new journey, new adventure.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_03: My dad uh he sat me down and he told that you know, the family is really nice, the boy looks really good.
• 43:00
  SPEAKER_03: What do you think?
• 43:02
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm like, if you guys think it's a good match for me, I don't have even I did speak to Jeevan, and I felt that warmth right instantly when I spoke to him.
• 43:13
  SPEAKER_03: So yeah, but I had no idea what I'm getting into, I had no idea where I'm going.
• 43:19
  SPEAKER_03: Going to a foreign co I don't know.
• 43:22
  SPEAKER_03: It was just I said yes, but I don't, I absolutely didn't know where my parents are sending me.
• 43:30
  SPEAKER_03: It was very tough for the first one year because I am a people person, I am family-oriented, friends, I need my community.
• 43:42
  SPEAKER_03: And the first one year was hard because Jeeven was a bachelor, know a lot of people.
• 43:48
  SPEAKER_03: So I feel that yes, it was yeah, the first year was pretty tough, you know, um, settling down in the foreign country.
• 43:58
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 43:58
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and then when you First came to America, did you guys go to Michigan directly, or where was Jeep in on the at that time?
• 44:06
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, we were in Michigan for uh almost 15 years.
• 44:12
  SPEAKER_03: We we landed in Michigan.
• 44:14
  SPEAKER_03: I had my daughter in Michigan.
• 44:16
  SPEAKER_03: We just moved to Texas um like four years back.
• 44:21
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 44:22
  SPEAKER_03: Most of our lives we were in Michigan, yes.
• 44:25
  SPEAKER_02: Got it.
• 44:25
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, so I can imagine the feeling of growing up in Ahmedabad, being surrounded by family and friends, and then getting plotted down one day in Michigan.
• 44:32
  SPEAKER_02: And you weren't in a big city, right?
• 44:34
  SPEAKER_02: You weren't in like Detroit.
• 44:35
  SPEAKER_02: You were in a smaller town, I believe.
• 44:37
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, it was one of the suburbs in Detroit.
• 44:41
  SPEAKER_03: I came from a city life to a much quieter neighborhood.
• 44:46
  SPEAKER_03: So it definitely was a very big change for me.
• 44:50
  SPEAKER_03: And lots of snow.
• 44:51
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, climate-wise, it was depressing.
• 44:54
  SPEAKER_03: I came from a tropical, from a dry, like Anthony weather is just like Dallas.
• 44:59
  SPEAKER_03: It's dry and extremely hot.
• 45:02
  SPEAKER_03: And oh my goodness, Michigan was yeah, I was house arrested.
• 45:09
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I can't imagine that transition.
• 45:11
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 45:12
  SPEAKER_02: But yeah, so you moved in 2007, and then of course, this special component that we really want to talk about is you had a Shawnee in 2008.
• 45:19
  SPEAKER_02: Um tell us more about the experience of you of being a mother to a Shawnee.
• 45:26
  SPEAKER_02: It sounds like you guys are very close.
• 45:27
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I know you you mentioned that you had to pull some of your experience from your grandma in terms of like um taking care and things like that.
• 45:37
  SPEAKER_02: Um so yeah, just speak to that a little bit.
• 45:40
  SPEAKER_03: So, right after we moved to Michigan, I was just kind of getting to know people, and then you know, we found out that we were pregnant.
• 45:51
  SPEAKER_03: And uh Ishani was a premature baby, uh born in the first week of the seventh month.
• 46:00
  SPEAKER_03: She was born in the 26th week, which is considered to be very, very early, and um a lot of complications around her.
• 46:09
  SPEAKER_03: I was on bed rest around her birth.
• 46:13
  SPEAKER_03: Um definitely I feel Ishani is that one person who has taught me so much um growing up, like as I'm sorry.
• 46:32
  SPEAKER_03: She she's been she's been such an amazing strength.
• 46:37
  SPEAKER_03: Um she's been my best friend, my companion, along with Jeeven, because for a very long time, um, because of her prematurity, uh it so happened that I couldn't uh mingle with a lot of people because I had to keep her away from infections, and you know, there were so many complications growing up.
• 47:05
  SPEAKER_03: But this this little child has taught me so much strength, so much patience.
• 47:12
  SPEAKER_03: Like she as a kid has gone through so many uh treatments growing up, one after the other.
• 47:21
  SPEAKER_03: I feel that you know Jivan support, and of course, my parents who are my pillars have always been there.
• 47:30
  SPEAKER_03: But Ashani as a kid has taught me that get going kind of attitude.
• 47:38
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, today is a hard day, but it won't be like this forever.
• 47:43
  SPEAKER_03: And when I had Ashani, people around me in the community, sometimes I feel uh communities are good, but sometimes at times like this, instead of supporting the new mother and the newborn, they were like, Oh, how was she born early?
• 48:02
  SPEAKER_03: Did you not take care?
• 48:03
  SPEAKER_03: What did you do?
• 48:05
  SPEAKER_03: Did you swim?
• 48:05
  SPEAKER_03: Did you run?
• 48:06
  SPEAKER_03: Did you eat anything wrong?
• 48:08
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm like, Yeah, sometimes it's all right.
• 48:12
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't know how to, and that's the other reason I just distended myself from the so-called families and communities.
• 48:22
  SPEAKER_03: I I do love them, but it's just that sometimes, you know, people have to understand that when people are grieving or people are in distress, you support them in a way where it can it comforts them rather than give giving them more stress.
• 48:42
  SPEAKER_03: So I feel that uh I couldn't go to India for a long time because, and that's when my older sister, I think she is, I didn't speak a lot about her earlier, but this is the time when I felt I was always close.
• 48:57
  SPEAKER_03: I am still close to my sister, but she is another parent to me, swept up, and you know, she's like, forget about everybody right now, just concentrate on your kid.
• 49:11
  SPEAKER_03: And that day I was like, God has given me this child.
• 49:14
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, I'm going to do my best in raising her.
• 49:19
  SPEAKER_03: And like, you know, the noises will be in the background.
• 49:22
  SPEAKER_03: She's like, if you don't want to meet anybody, don't meet anybody.
• 49:26
  SPEAKER_03: If you don't want to invite anybody, don't if you don't want people to meet Ashani, just don't do it.
• 49:31
  SPEAKER_03: Do what is good for you.
• 49:33
  SPEAKER_03: And I think that, you know, my my parents and my older sister, all the three were like, they were guarding me from the outer world.
• 49:44
  SPEAKER_03: Like, you know, I was a mess.
• 49:46
  SPEAKER_03: It took me a long time because I was young, I was just 27 when I had Ashani.
• 49:52
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't know anything, but as we went along, I learned, Jivand learned, and this beautiful child taught us so much.
• 50:03
  SPEAKER_03: And I I don't know, you uh Lalitaka, you have met Ashani in a brief, but I think Siddhanta is beautiful.
• 50:11
  SPEAKER_03: She is just an amazing kid, and I I want best for her, and I know she's going to do really well, and I'm excited for her next chapter in life.
• 50:22
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 50:23
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, absolutely.
• 50:24
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, she is an amazing kid.
• 50:25
  SPEAKER_02: I've spoken to her lots of times.
• 50:27
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I see the same spirit that you have, and that you sort of your parents have also.
• 50:32
  SPEAKER_02: And she looks sort of like for me, at least, she looks like you, right?
• 50:35
  SPEAKER_00: So it's almost like I see like a push like a reincarnation going on.
• 50:39
  SPEAKER_03: So yeah, but you can't tell that in front of Jeevanana because he might get a bit offended.
• 50:45
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 50:45
  SPEAKER_00: He's the father, you know, so I can't dispute that too much.
• 50:49
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, but yeah, she she looks like me, but I think she has this amazing quality of her father, too.
• 50:56
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I think Jeevan and me have grown as like he's my best friend.
• 51:02
  SPEAKER_03: I don't regret having friends because I have a friend at home.
• 51:06
  SPEAKER_03: He's somebody who has supported me throughout.
• 51:10
  SPEAKER_03: Because when you have a kid so early in life, uh, parents are far away, they are worried.
• 51:17
  SPEAKER_03: This person whom you've just married.
• 51:20
  SPEAKER_03: Imagine I don't even know this person.
• 51:23
  SPEAKER_03: We've just been together for like two years.
• 51:26
  SPEAKER_03: It was amazing.
• 51:28
  SPEAKER_03: I feel that we've grown up as individuals, as friends, as a couple with Ishani, and that has made us so strong.
• 51:37
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I can go with him with any problem, and he's like, hey, Pooja, we will take care of this, don't worry.
• 51:43
  SPEAKER_03: Like, you know, and vice versa.
• 51:45
  SPEAKER_03: If he's going through any crisis, I'm there for him.
• 51:48
  SPEAKER_03: So I feel this lovely kid has brought us together too, as a couple.
• 51:54
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 51:55
  SPEAKER_04: And like you say, you just go through life.
• 51:59
  SPEAKER_04: You just, and whatever you've absorbed in your childhood, you use that to help you handle what you face as an adult.
• 52:06
  SPEAKER_04: And your parents were amazing role models for you and amazing support for you.
• 52:12
  SPEAKER_04: Uh, you were the middle child, you have a big sister, you have a little brother, you just told us you were like a true middle child.
• 52:20
  SPEAKER_04: But I don't know, you just I, you know, you just seem amazing.
• 52:23
  SPEAKER_04: And like you said, you had to work so hard to uh help Ishani as she grew.
• 52:32
  SPEAKER_04: So, in your mind, you didn't have time or you didn't want to do any kind of work outside the home because she needed you at home, and but you love baking, right?
• 52:43
  SPEAKER_04: So you did some baking, things like that.
• 52:47
  SPEAKER_04: And then, like you said, you supported her in school by being a first a volunteer, then a substitute teacher, and speaking for all teachers, I'll say thank you because we are always looking for volunteers and well retired now, but always looking for volunteers and substitutes, and just talking to you now.
• 53:05
  SPEAKER_04: I bet you were an amazing sub too.
• 53:07
  SPEAKER_04: Teachers probably called you back all the time.
• 53:10
  SPEAKER_04: But thinking about all of this that your life has had to offer or has thrown at you, what is your perspective on your parenting style?
• 53:19
  SPEAKER_04: I feel just talking with you that you've drawn a lot from your parents.
• 53:26
  SPEAKER_04: What do you think?
• 53:27
  SPEAKER_04: How did Jeevan and you split parenting?
• 53:31
  SPEAKER_03: Um definitely, because he had to uh, you know, being in a foreign country and just one person earning, uh, the medical bills were like, you know how the medical.
• 53:46
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, absolutely.
• 53:47
  SPEAKER_03: So Jeevan, uh, yeah, we had to split.
• 53:50
  SPEAKER_03: I was completely in charge of Ashani, and Jeevan was taking care of the financial part of it.
• 53:58
  SPEAKER_03: Earlier, I told you about these amazing stories my dad used to tell us as a kid.
• 54:04
  SPEAKER_03: I have drawn so much uh learnings from him in every conversation I've had with him.
• 54:12
  SPEAKER_03: That that's really helped me grow up as a kid because um sometimes you you you will feel lonely when you are bringing up a child in a foreign country.
• 54:24
  SPEAKER_03: I feel that strength that my parents had given me, caring for my uh grandma also, those life experiences I feel has carved both of us, me and Jeeven.
• 54:36
  SPEAKER_03: Like, you know, Jeeven had his own set of things that he had to deal with, with his dad passing away when he was in 10th grade and his mom having cancer for 14 years and then having a shani, like there was no break for him, too.
• 54:54
  SPEAKER_03: So we, I think, have learned with each other like from each other's experiences.
• 55:00
  SPEAKER_03: I feel that the sense of community and the love, the respect that was engraved in us by our parents that life will not be rosy uh at all times, there will be difficulty.
• 55:13
  SPEAKER_03: I think that is something we should let our kids know.
• 55:17
  SPEAKER_03: Nowadays, kids are so protected.
• 55:19
  SPEAKER_03: I do that with Ashani too.
• 55:22
  SPEAKER_03: Um, but I'm learning it.
• 55:24
  SPEAKER_03: I'm learning not to be so guarded when it comes to let go a little bit.
• 55:30
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, yes.
• 55:31
  SPEAKER_03: And I felt that I feel and I I uh that as I am growing up, I see how my parents also had to take that harsh decision of letting us go.
• 55:44
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I don't know once you have kids, you tell me, once you have kids when they go away, uh like a piece of you is just leaving, and I, you know, all I've done is take care of this kid who's going away now.
• 55:57
  SPEAKER_04: Yes, I know it feels like that.
• 55:59
  SPEAKER_04: And sometimes now I think back of how my parents must have felt every time we come across the ocean, never knowing when we're going back, because you know, in the early days it was expensive, and so now even though both my kids are not Nostin, and every time they come and go, I'm like the sobbing mess because and they are older, much older than Ishani.
• 56:22
  SPEAKER_04: But that is life.
• 56:23
  SPEAKER_04: We get through it, we have extracurricular interests that keep us busy.
• 56:27
  SPEAKER_04: Most recently, you were the fabulous Southwest Bana uh president, regional rep, I don't know what it's called, but you did an amazing job getting us all to Dallas.
• 56:38
  SPEAKER_04: Can you talk a little bit about that?
• 56:41
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I mean, as you know, I I thought that don't get me wrong, I loved every bit of being with Ashani.
• 56:50
  SPEAKER_03: Uh and, you know, being like those 15 uh long years that I had to be at home with her, there were a lot of things that I couldn't do, like mingle with my friends, uh, go out for dinners.
• 57:07
  SPEAKER_03: There are like n number of things that I can tell that we couldn't do as a couple, as a family, because her treatments were more important.
• 57:18
  SPEAKER_03: Like summer vacations just went by because there was this serial casting that we had to do for a shani every year to relax her muscles, and that went on for six to eight long years, like every vacation.
• 57:32
  SPEAKER_03: So I always wanted to move out from Michigan.
• 57:35
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, I loved the place, but I just wanted to be more closer to my family.
• 57:41
  SPEAKER_03: And because Srinath, my younger brother, was in Austin, we thought I always manifested for 10 long years.
• 57:50
  SPEAKER_03: Trust me.
• 57:51
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it took 10 long years for God to send a nice, decent deal for us in Dallas.
• 57:58
  SPEAKER_03: So it even landed a good opportunity here in Dallas.
• 58:02
  SPEAKER_03: And once I came here, Ishani was just going to be a high schooler, like a ninth grader.
• 58:09
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, okay, this is the time where I want to go back to the community.
• 58:15
  SPEAKER_03: Uh uh, and I have even back in Amdabad, I have always been affiliated, whether it is Ban Sangha, whether it is Chinmaya mission.
• 58:26
  SPEAKER_03: I used to always do a lot of volunteering work.
• 58:31
  SPEAKER_03: I used to, yeah, a lot with my parents for Bansanga.
• 58:35
  SPEAKER_03: I used to always do these cultural programs, even when I was with my dad, and so many experiences, so many stories my dad used to come and share.
• 58:47
  SPEAKER_03: As you know, he's a good storyteller.
• 58:49
  SPEAKER_03: So when I came to Texas, this was my opportunity.
• 58:55
  SPEAKER_03: Texas was hosting the main bana, and I was like, you know what, I'm good at dancing.
• 59:00
  SPEAKER_03: If you want, I can come and teach how to dance.
• 59:02
  SPEAKER_03: And one thing led to another.
• 59:04
  SPEAKER_03: They made me the cultural team lead for the main bana.
• 59:10
  SPEAKER_03: And we did a Tulu drama, we did like dancing and a whole lot of things for the main bana, which was in 2024.
• 59:20
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and it was such a successful event.
• 59:24
  SPEAKER_03: We thoroughly enjoyed it.
• 59:25
  SPEAKER_03: It was in the crows.
• 59:27
  SPEAKER_03: So that was my starting point to get back into the community.
• 59:32
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, and I'm somebody who loves to give back, and I don't care, like, you know, um what will I get out of it?
• 59:41
  SPEAKER_03: So community work has to be like that.
• 59:44
  SPEAKER_03: Just the joy of doing it, just the joy.
• 59:46
  SPEAKER_03: That's when, you know, people will connect with you.
• 59:49
  SPEAKER_03: That's what I have learned from my father and mother that that that the selfless way of looking at something is when it will become successful and you will connect with a lot of people.
• 1:00:03
  SPEAKER_03: So that's the same thing I did as soon as I came here and we did that big event.
• 1:00:08
  SPEAKER_03: This happened in August, uh, I think July.
• 1:00:11
  SPEAKER_03: And in November, um Mahesh, who was the then president of Bana, is like, hey, you are selected as a regional rep for Dallas.
• 1:00:21
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm like, what am I supposed to do?
• 1:00:23
  SPEAKER_03: I have no idea.
• 1:00:25
  SPEAKER_03: What is what am I supposed to do?
• 1:00:27
  SPEAKER_03: What is my duty?
• 1:00:28
  SPEAKER_03: So he's like, Don't worry, we all are here.
• 1:00:30
  SPEAKER_03: We need a representative.
• 1:00:32
  SPEAKER_03: You have to do a couple of uh events, and I'm like, Oh, that's easy.
• 1:00:36
  SPEAKER_03: I've done that before.
• 1:00:37
  SPEAKER_03: Little did I know what Southwest Banna was.
• 1:00:41
  SPEAKER_04: And he is good at that.
• 1:00:42
  SPEAKER_04: We were both vice president for the first time Texas hosted the Bana in Houston 10 plus years ago, I think now.
• 1:00:49
  SPEAKER_04: So yeah.
• 1:00:51
  SPEAKER_03: I love, I love Bahesh and Sandia, Sandy, and they were like, We all are here.
• 1:00:56
  SPEAKER_03: It gave me a lot of confidence that I could do.
• 1:01:00
  SPEAKER_03: Um, it was such a big event, and it was so much of coordinating.
• 1:01:06
  SPEAKER_03: And but this is what I was right in my arena.
• 1:01:10
  SPEAKER_03: I loved what I did because that's what I am uh born to do, I guess.
• 1:01:16
  SPEAKER_03: You know, connect with people, connect each other, you know, connect everybody.
• 1:01:21
  SPEAKER_03: That's my main purpose.
• 1:01:22
  SPEAKER_03: So it was wonderful.
• 1:01:25
  SPEAKER_03: I think the best thing that I loved doing during the Southwest Banna is calling the hundred guests.
• 1:01:32
  SPEAKER_03: I personally called everybody.
• 1:01:41
  SPEAKER_03: Knowing so many families are there in our community.
• 1:01:45
  SPEAKER_03: And I feel um we should have this uh get-togethers and community events more where you are in a foreign country, you never know who will come to rescue you.
• 1:01:59
  SPEAKER_03: I felt that when Ishani was born, I didn't have that support.
• 1:02:03
  SPEAKER_03: I had two Bunt friends, but they had smaller kids.
• 1:02:07
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't have a community there.
• 1:02:09
  SPEAKER_03: Like that's what I missed a lot.
• 1:02:11
  SPEAKER_03: Now, if you tell me in Dallas, I know everybody and I know what is happening in everybody's life.
• 1:02:18
  SPEAKER_03: Kids are going to college, somebody's ill.
• 1:02:21
  SPEAKER_03: Like, you know, uh the other day, one of my friends said that my mom is sick pooja, and the insurance is not covering everybody.
• 1:02:30
  SPEAKER_03: I just called a friend in Kapas Kristi, Kusumakar Suda, and he took care of her, and it was so amazing.
• 1:02:38
  SPEAKER_03: Like, you know, just connecting people.
• 1:02:40
  SPEAKER_03: This is what our community should be.
• 1:02:43
  SPEAKER_03: Just be there for people if somebody is in need, because we are away from and the H1 kids who are here.
• 1:02:50
  SPEAKER_03: I really am like, please let us know if you need any help.
• 1:02:55
  SPEAKER_03: We are here.
• 1:02:56
  SPEAKER_03: We have so many people who are so uh well established here.
• 1:03:01
  SPEAKER_03: I think they should step in more and help the community.
• 1:03:06
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
• 1:03:08
  SPEAKER_02: Um I think you raised some really good points in terms of how we can support the community, but it's also like these are the things that you saw your parents perform, right?
• 1:03:19
  SPEAKER_02: So it's always been around you too, and having that example and leading by example, it's um it's sort of good to see that and then follow it also, right?
• 1:03:29
  SPEAKER_02: And obviously, right now we've done a full edge of your life, starting from taking care of your Granny, and then if I need to graduating, so you just like we're we're at the opposite end of the time.
• 1:03:47
  SPEAKER_02: Whether these different difficult times, good times, whatever you want to call it, um that you would want each time to take away from your life, um, that you would use the next generation, things that we can learn from you.
• 1:03:59
  SPEAKER_02: Because you truly are you have a great knife for storytelling, you have a very, very sort of um a very bubbly and warm presence that I think a lot not a lot of people have is very unique.
• 1:04:11
  SPEAKER_02: Um you have this way of you're sort of this connected tissue in the social fabric, which I think is very, very important.
• 1:04:18
  SPEAKER_02: Um so tell us more about like what are things that you have developed within yourself, the strength, the resilience that you would want Ashani, etc., to take away.
• 1:04:29
  SPEAKER_03: So definitely to a sh to Ashani, I would want to pass on.
• 1:04:37
  SPEAKER_03: I feel kindness is very, very important.
• 1:04:42
  SPEAKER_03: It is something that no matter where you are, you always have to be humble, you always have to be kind and uh staying connected with people, like you know, understanding them, listening to them.
• 1:04:58
  SPEAKER_03: I feel that's something I've I want to pass on to Ashani.
• 1:05:03
  SPEAKER_03: Um, I think roots are the connection to our roots, our community, our culture, that's something parents uh in general should talk to their kids about.
• 1:05:15
  SPEAKER_03: Where are we?
• 1:05:16
  SPEAKER_03: Like, you know, the humble uh upbringing that they have come, because that's something parents right now don't share much with their kids.
• 1:05:25
  SPEAKER_03: Please talk to your kids, share your experiences, because what I have heard is the more you share, you know, uh their thinking also kind of uh becomes broader.
• 1:05:40
  SPEAKER_03: Um they become much more kinder, much more accepting, you know, respecting the older people, respecting your community, respecting your youngers.
• 1:05:52
  SPEAKER_03: That is something I would definitely tell Ashani.
• 1:05:55
  SPEAKER_03: And I also feel that when you are growing, when you are rising, you take people along with you.
• 1:06:05
  SPEAKER_03: Don't leave anybody behind.
• 1:06:08
  SPEAKER_03: Like when you are rising, rise with others on your side.
• 1:06:14
  SPEAKER_03: That's what I want to tell Ashani that if something good is happening to you, give it back.
• 1:06:20
  SPEAKER_02: People up along with you, essentially.
• 1:06:22
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
• 1:06:22
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, yes.
• 1:06:23
  SPEAKER_03: That is something I want to tell Ashani that, and and trust me, it comes in abundance back to you.
• 1:06:30
  SPEAKER_03: I have personal experiences where I feel that a little act of kindness or you know, out of the way if you do something and it it comes back to you.
• 1:06:41
  SPEAKER_03: And I have so many different like places or life experiences where you know I have done something and it has come in abundance back.
• 1:06:51
  SPEAKER_03: And that's what my dad always tells that if it comes, like you know, don't expect, but if it comes, very good.
• 1:06:59
  SPEAKER_03: But if it doesn't, don't get disappointed because it was not meant to be, or something better is going to come your way.
• 1:07:07
  SPEAKER_03: So that's what I keep telling Ishani, like whether it is grades, whether it is college, whether it is relationships, if she will get into in the near future, like you know, if it comes, if it stays, it's for you.
• 1:07:22
  SPEAKER_03: If it doesn't, then that's fine.
• 1:07:25
  SPEAKER_03: You have better in store for you.
• 1:07:27
  SPEAKER_03: So that is kindness, giving back to the community, then respect your elders and your culture and stay rooted, learn more about your culture.
• 1:07:41
  SPEAKER_03: You've already told Ashani, but yeah, that's something every parent should have a conversation with.
• 1:07:46
  SPEAKER_02: She can listen to this for in perpetuity now.
• 1:07:49
  SPEAKER_02: You know, you have it on recording after you posted.
• 1:07:51
  SPEAKER_02: Um, but that's a beautiful message to end on.
• 1:07:53
  SPEAKER_02: I feel like I mean it's true.
• 1:07:55
  SPEAKER_02: Who you who you are now is a reflection of where we came from and learning um more about our roots.
• 1:08:01
  SPEAKER_02: Um for me, it's almost like learning learning more about myself.
• 1:08:05
  SPEAKER_02: Um so I think that's a a great message to end on.
• 1:08:08
  SPEAKER_02: I really appreciate the time, the transparency, um, how thoughtful you were in terms of telling your stories.
• 1:08:14
  SPEAKER_02: And um it's it's been a great time.
• 1:08:17
  SPEAKER_02: I really, really enjoyed this.
• 1:08:18
  SPEAKER_02: So thank you so much, Poojaka.
• 1:08:20
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you.
• 1:08:20
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you, Siddhant.
• 1:08:21
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, thank you, Pooja.
• 1:08:23
  SPEAKER_04: In our day here at Chavadi, we do try to share stories of people.
• 1:08:28
  SPEAKER_04: Like you say, storytelling is such an important part and way to grow, and that's what we try.
• 1:08:34
  SPEAKER_04: And so we really appreciate you adding your story to our Chowdi.
• 1:08:38
  SPEAKER_04: Wishing you all the best, Pooja.
• 1:08:40
  SPEAKER_04: I know you will do amazing.
• 1:08:41
  SPEAKER_04: You are doing amazing stuff, and we'll continue to spread that love out there.
• 1:08:47
  SPEAKER_04: And I know it will boomerang back on you.
• 1:08:50
  SPEAKER_04: Thank you so much.
• 1:08:51
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you so much for having me over.