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S2E13 - Gentle Parenting vs. Child-Centered Play Therapy Parenting: Which Path Leads to Better Outcomes? · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

• 0:02
  You're listening to the
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  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give
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  you insight awareness and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode, I am answering a question from Penny in Florida.
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  Shout out to my fellow Floridian.
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  I don't know if you're native, but there aren't very many of us. So probably not, but
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  I'm happy you're in Florida either way.
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  And Penny's question is about
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  the concept of gentle parenting.
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  So this is very interesting because this has become a
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  little bit of a buzz term as of late.
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  And we're hearing a lot about gentle parenting
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  and so Penny's curious about my thoughts and
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  if it's effective and if child-centered integrates in some way
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  with that or if it's the alternative to that.
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  So
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  I'll read you some of her email and then we'll talk through some things.
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  So the email says, hi Brenna,
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  I'm reaching out for your opinion and insight on gentle parenting.
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  I have a four year old son and I've been
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  reading a lot on mom Facebook groups about gentle parenting.
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  I chose the style because a lot of parents said it builds a healthy bond,
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  ensures the child's needs are met and
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  increases emotional regulation in parents and kids,
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  which is very different from how I was raised.
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  Isn't that interesting that often we try to
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  change our parenting from the way we were parented?
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  However, any time I bring up discipline ideas on the Facebook groups for my child,
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  not following rules,
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  I receive so many comments that say only talk to him about his behavior and feelings.
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  They say that taking away what he likes
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  his ipad for not picking up his toys,
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  et cetera can cause trauma and resentment towards me.
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  This has not been effective because he just does the same thing
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  over and over and we end up having the same conversations.
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  I don't wanna be a harsh parent,
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  but I feel like this method isn't working. Has gentle parenting gone too far.
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  Where is the balance?
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  Ok. So penny, thank you so much for reaching out.
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  Thanks for being vulnerable and kind of sharing your struggles. And
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  this is a very timely topic because
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  gentle parenting is something that
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  as of the last decade or so has kind of taken a lot of parenting opinion and you know,
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  it's become something that people value and are trying to implement.
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  So I appreciate the email.
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  We're going to talk through the child-centered
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  contrasts.
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  So
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  the gentle parenting and its principles and what it's supposed to achieve.
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  I'm actually going to juxtapose that with the child-centered approach
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  and how the child-centered method would be
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  more effective and accomplish the same outcome.
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  So we'll kind of unpack those differences together,
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  the path to calm, confident and in control parenting starts now.
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  All right.
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  So Penny,
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  you mentioned that you chose the style number one
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  because it's very different from how you were raised.
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  So let me pause there for a second.
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  It is very common that we take one of two paths.
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  We either parent the way we were parented
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  because it's safe.
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  It's familiar,
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  it's natural and we can just kind of do it
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  without really thinking because we replicate what we knew as children
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  or we say I really refuse to parent the way I was parented. I hated XYZ.
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  I hated feeling this way. I hated my experience.
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  I hated the way I was talked to. I hated the way I was treated whatever the scenario is.
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  So I refuse to parent that way
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  and I'm choosing to parent differently.
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  But in either scenario,
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  we are trapped in a limited set of options
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  because if we parent the way we were parented,
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  we just duplicate what we know and it's not necessarily effective or appropriate.
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  If we try to come up with a different parenting style,
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  we're left feeling very directionless because we really have no idea what to do.
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  And we're always grasping at a straw hoping that that's going to
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  be the magic fix to whatever parenting issue we're dealing with.
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  So I think it's very, very common
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  to see both of those at play.
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  And in your case,
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  you're trying to actually parent differently from the way you were parented.
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  But then that means that
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  you're thinking, ok, I want a healthy bond,
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  I want my child to feel that their needs are being met.
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  I want emotional regulation for both of us
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  yet.
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  Right. So like these things sound good
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  and in theory, I think this would be,
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  you know what I am hoping for with our relationship.
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  But all of a sudden, there's big gaps here.
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  All of a sudden,
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  I'm trying to do this and it isn't giving me the outcomes that I really want.
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  So therefore, it's an incomplete approach.
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  When a parenting system does not get us to the outcomes that we want,
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  there are holes or gaps or there's an incompleteness to it,
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  meaning it lacks a framework,
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  it lacks a system,
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  it like it lacks appropriateness, it lacks developmental
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  understanding,
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  it lacks relationship, it lacks something.
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  When we have a thorough comprehensive system
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  in any arena of our lives,
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  we can talk finances, we can talk business, we can talk,
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  you know, really anything you throw out any concept in our lives, friendships,
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  marriage, whatever.
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  If we have a thorough comprehensive complete system,
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  we might have some bumps and hiccups,
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  but
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  we're largely achieving the outcomes that we want.
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  And at the very least we have a foundation upon which we build.
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  If we need to make some tweaks
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  if we go with a parenting approach
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  and we feel like we're still floundering and we feel like we're still
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  not getting the goals met and we're still not achieving the outcomes that
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  we were looking for and we're still trying to like sort a whole
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  bunch of different things out and we're just feeling confused and frustrated,
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  there's stuff missing.
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  So let's start with the child-centered
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  approach and then we'll kind of contrast it to the gentle parenting approach.
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  So you mentioned that you want the healthy bond,
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  you want the child ne needs to be met and you want emotional regulation.
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  Well,
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  let's figure out how we get there.
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  So we understand that
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  if there is no
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  security
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  in a relationship,
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  then there's no safety in the relationship
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  and therefore there's no trust in the relationship.
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  The only way
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  that those three, that's kind of a flow chart, right? So
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  we have security, safety and trust.
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  They kind of all flow together.
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  Those are predicated on
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  appropriate limits,
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  healthy boundaries,
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  clear expectations.
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  We can't achieve the things that we want
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  if there is not safety, security and trust in our relationship with our children,
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  but we only establish and secure those things
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  through boundaries, expectations and limits.
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  So the notion that
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  we can't take away something
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  or we just have to talk about the behavior rather than actually have consequences.
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  There's no limits
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  in that kind of relationship.
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  There's no clear boundaries, there's no defined expectations.
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  And here's the really cool thing about kids.
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  I mean, there's so many cool things about kids, but in
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  this context, the really cool thing about kids
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  is that they need and want limits.
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  They don't want to have no rules.
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  They don't do well without boundaries,
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  they would never want a parent to not put parameters in place.
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  Kids are wired to need limits.
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  So
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  to think that we just have to talk to our kid about something that they've done.
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  No,
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  there should be boundaries established and
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  there should be consequences associated with
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  those boundaries if they choose not to comply with the boundaries,
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  because that's the only way you get safety, security and trust.
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  So here's why I think the child-centered approach is more effective
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  because
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  the child-centered approach is kind,
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  the child-centered approach is respectful.
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  The child-centered approach is relational
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  above all else. How I mean, how many times have we talked about this? Right?
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  I'm a broken record, but it's on purpose.
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  The relationship trumps everything.
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  So in context of that,
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  we have to have a secure relationship, we have to have a safe relationship,
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  we have to have a trusting relationship,
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  but
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  that's predicated on boundaries.
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  But here's the thing, the child-centered approach,
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  the four pillars, the reflective responses,
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  all of the things that we've talked through
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  that actually gives a relational focus.
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  I can remain in control of my emotions
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  through the child-centered approach. Be a thermostat, not a thermometer right.
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  I can
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  honor my child's uniqueness and celebrate how special my child is.
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  Focus on the doughnut. Not the whole,
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  I can recognize that there are times when a child is so overwhelmed,
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  it's not the time to try to discipline them.
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  When a child is drowning, it's not the time to teach them to swim.
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  There is kind respectful relationship built
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  in the child-centered way
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  and
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  the gentle parenting concept
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  is
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  I want to make sure that,
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  you know, we have a positive relationship,
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  well,
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  that
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  requires boundaries and limits
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  and it requires safety and security.
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  And so we have to make sure that we're providing those
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  elements before we can expect to have the outcomes that we want
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  and so Penny to to speak through your scenario.
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  So I received comments that I should talk to him that,
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  that they say I should not take away what he likes
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  his ipad for not picking up his toys, for example,
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  because he will resent me and it can cause trauma,
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  but then he ends up doing the same thing over and over again.
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  And we have the same conversations,
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  of course,
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  because there's no consequence to actions.
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  So here's the beauty of the child-centered way.
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  You set a limit, you give choices
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  and guess what?
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  You do not have to take anything away.
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  So I'm actually going to highlight the words that were written in the email here,
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  they say taking away what he likes, for example, his ipad for not picking up his toys.
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  Guess what, when you set a limit
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  and you give choices associated with that limit.
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  So,
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  Danny,
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  by five o'clock, your toys need to be put away
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  because that's when we're going to have dinner.
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  If you choose to have all your toys picked up
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  by five o'clock,
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  you choose to get to play on your ipad later tonight.
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  If you choose not to pick up your toys by five o'clock,
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  you choose not to have your ipad later tonight.
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  There's the true essence of limit setting.
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  That's the last episode we talked through, right?
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  So when we set limits like that, when we give choices like that,
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  we are not taking anything away. Even if Danny chooses not to pick up his toys.
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  Do you realize you would have chosen for him to have his ipad,
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  which that actually brings me to a related aside,
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  keep your kids off screens? Please buy my book Device Detox.
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  It's on Amazon Kindle or printed.
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  You have no idea how damaging and harmful and dangerous screens are for kids.
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  Please don't let your kids have ipads. Please don't let them have phones.
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  Please don't let them play video games for hours a day.
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  It's so bad for them. But
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  ok, so using this example from the email he gets an ipad
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  or he gets it taken away right.
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  Here's the thing you would have chosen for him to have his ipad.
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  You would have chosen for him to put his toys away.
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  And you would have chosen, chosen for him to have his ipad.
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  But if he chose not to put his toys away,
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  you're not taking the ipad away.
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  You're saying I see you've chosen not to have your ipad tonight,
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  but you can try again tomorrow.
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  That is in fact, gentle parenting
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  because you're not angry, you're not upset, you're not emotional.
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  There's no power struggle, there's no anger, there's no screaming,
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  there's no argument.
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  There's nothing,
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  you just enforce the choice that Danny chose.
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  He chose not to have his ipad
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  at the moment, he chose not to pick up his toys by 5 p.m.
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  and guess what? He will choose not to have his ipad 1, 2 or three times
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  and then he will start choosing to put,
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  pick up his toys because he will choose to have his ipad
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  self control, self responsibility, self regulation.
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  And there's no more burden on you
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  to be the mean parent. And Penny you mentioned, I don't want to be a harsh parent.
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  If you don't want to be a harsh parent, you should love child-centered play therapy
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  because there is nothing harsh about preserving the relationship,
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  giving the child freedom to choose,
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  empowering the child to make choices
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  and being kind and respectful with the way that you interact with your kids.
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  There's nothing harsh
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  about the child-centered way. The child-centered way is in fact, very gentle.
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  It's kind, it's respectful. It's understanding it's accommodating, it's loving,
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  it's relational, it's all of those things.
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  But there's a framework, there's a system, you fall back on the four pillars,
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  you fall back on the reflective responses.
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  You fall back on the tenets and principles of kids not being rational.
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  It's actually very simple, but it's grounding
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  and it is centering and you never have to go.
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  Oh man, what should I do in this random scenario that I'm faced with?
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  You will always know what to do. You
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  use one of the four pillars,
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  you use one of the reflective responses and they're
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  all supported by the principles and tenets of the child-centered
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  approach.
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  So Penny, thank you so much for your question.
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  I guess to summarize my thoughts on that
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  gentle, the gentle parenting movement,
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  which is essentially
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  I'm tongue in cheek saying this.
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  But let your child do whatever they want and let them
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  walk all over you and just be nice in your responses.
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  Not only is that not effective,
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  it creates no safety and security.
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  It does not set the child up to succeed. It teaches them nothing about self control.
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  It frustrates you. It frustrates your child.
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  It causes fractures and tension in the relationship.
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  You both end up resenting each other.
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  You both end up angry, you both end up unsettled.
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  There's confusion, there's unknown, there's unpredictability,
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  there's lack of consistency,
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  there's nothing gentle about that,
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  but there's all kinds of gentleness in the child-centered way
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  because its number one priority is preserving the relationship.
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  And that's why the child-centered model works.
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  And that's why kids that are raised with
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  child-centered principles are happy kids who become happy adults
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  because there's an understanding of dynamic.
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  There's an understanding that
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  I know exactly what to expect. I know who I am in the context of this relationship.
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  I know
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  what my responsibilities are
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  and I trust that things are going to be the way that I know them to be
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  and there's so much freedom on both sides for that
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  so Penny, Thank you so much for the email. I hope that all of you find that helpful.
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  I would love to hear from you.
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  Please reach out to me, brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
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  You can shoot me a question, you can say hello.
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  I do in fact read every single one of my emails,
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  a lot of
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  podcasters and bloggers. They kind of have people that do that for them.
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  I promise you if you email me, it comes directly to me.
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  So I would love to hear from you brenna@thekidcounselor.com
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  and
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  I'm very grateful for the time that you share with me each week.
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  Thank you for investing in your kids and your
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  families and in yourself that is worthwhile meaningful work.
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  Talk to y'all soon. Bye.
• 16:55
  Thank you for listening
• 16:56
  to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks
• 17:00
  for more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter.
• 17:03
  Please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.