Latest / Divorce Coaches Academy / Why Divorce Coaches Cannot Want the Outcome More Than the Client
Transcript
- Tracy Callahan: The way conflict is handled in divorce shapes everything that comes after for the clients and for the families they're part of. If this conversation gave you something to think about or bring into your work, that's exactly the point. If you are interested in deepening your skills or learning more about our training, you can find more at divorcecoachesacademy.com. This is the work and it matters. Divorce isn't just a legal process, it's a conflict process. And most professionals working in this space are navigating complex human dynamics in real time, often without clear structure for how to intervene. At Divorce Coaches Academy, we train divorce coaches and ADR professionals to bring dispute resolution to the individual level. I'm Tracy, and today we're gonna slow this down a bit because what we're talking about today is foundational, ⁓ not just to divorce coaching, but to dispute resolution a whole. And honestly, if we were being real, this is foundational to how we show up in ⁓ all of our relationships. The idea is simple. so clients can move through conflict with more clarity, intention, and less harm. This podcast is where we focus on the how, practical strategies, real-world scenarios, and best practices you can actually use in your work. but living it is not. We cannot want the outcome more than the other person's life, whose it is. Let that land for a second, because this is one of those principles that sounds obvious until you actually watch yourself in real time, especially when you care, you see the consequences, you understand the dynamics, you know what's at stake. And in those moments, what happens is something very human. We lean in, we push, we try to help. But in doing that, if we're not careful, we step outside of our role. And we interrupt something that is essential to effective dispute resolution, self-actualization. Let's talk about that for a minute, because this term gets used a lot, but not always clearly defined in our work. When we talk about self-actualization in the context of divorce coaching and dispute resolution, we are not talking about some abstract aspirational concept. We are talking about something very concrete. We are talking about a person's ability to understand what matters to them, recognize their own patterns and reactions, evaluate their options, tolerate discomfort long enough to make a decision, and ultimately choose a path that they can stand in. Not one that's perfect, not one that's optimized, but one that is owned, because ownership is what creates sustainability. And here's the key. You cannot manufacture that for someone. You cannot push someone into self-actualization. You cannot help someone into clarity if they are not there yet. And the moment you try, you replace their process with your agenda, even if your agenda is well-intentioned. And I want to push this one a bit step further because this is where I think even highly trained professionals can get tripped up. There is a difference between supporting someone and seeing clearly and positioning clarity as something they should already have. And that difference matters. Because when we sit with someone who is in conflict, especially divorce conflict, we are often sitting with someone whose internal system is overwhelmed. Their nervous system is activated. Their identity is shifting. their sense of control is compromised. So what may look like indecision to us is often emotional overload, fear of loss, lack of readiness, or an inability to integrate competing priorities. And when we move too quickly, here's what you should be thinking about. We are asking them to operate from a place they are not currently resourced to access. Self-actualization requires capacity, and part of our role is recognizing when capacity is not yet online. Not fixing it, not bypassing it, but respecting it. Because if someone cannot yet hold the weight of a decision, they cannot yet own the outcome of that decision. And if they cannot own it, it will not hold. So I want to bring this into something very real, because I learned this lesson not as a divorce coach, but as a parent. My daughter was a senior in high school during COVID. And I want you to really picture that, right? Senior year is supposed to be celebratory, transitional, full of milestones, full of energy and an anticipation. And instead it was none of that. No normal school experience, no senior events, no closure, no disruption, just isolation and a lot of uncertainty. And to be honest, she was not OK. She was withdrawn, unmotivated, disconnected. And on top of that, she was dragging her feet on all of her college applications. Now, from my vantage point, this was not just one more thing. This felt critical. Deadlines were approaching. Opportunities were on the line. Consequences were real. and I can see all of it. So I stepped in. At first it was subtle. Hey, have you started your applications? Hey, do you know when your deadlines are? Let's just get one done. I thought very reasonable, appropriate. ⁓ But then it escalated. Why haven't you finished this yet? You're going to miss your opportunity. We cannot let this slip. You need to take this seriously. And I really want to be honest about this part. It wasn't just concern. There was urgency. Absolutely. There was anxiety on my part. And if I'm totally honest, there was a lot of control because I wanted this for her. And in that moment, I wanted it more than she did. And what happened next is what always happens. She resisted, she shut down, she avoided it even more and the dynamic between us shifted. It became more tense, frustrating, disconnected. The more I pushed, the more she pulled away. And I remember this very specific moment where I had to stop and really look at what was happening. Not what I thought was happening, but what was actually happening. And I realized this is not about college applications anymore. This is about me trying to move her towards something she was not ready to move toward. And in doing that, I was creating the very resistance I was trying to eliminate. And then this is where the shift happened, not externally, internally, because I had to recalibrate my role. I had to ask myself, am I here to ensure an outcome or am I here to support her growth and development? Because those two are not the same. And I made a very, very conscious decision to pull back. not disengage, not stop caring, not ignore reality, but to stop trying to drive the outcome. And I grounded myself in one simple principle. I cannot want this more than she does. And that required discipline because every instinct I had was still there. The awareness of deadlines, concern about consequences. the desire to ⁓ just get it done. All of that was still present, but instead of acting on it, I shifted how I showed up. I started asking, what do you want to do about this? I allowed silence. I allowed delay. I allowed her to feel what she was feeling without trying to fix it. And I let her experience the weight of her own choices. which is really hard as a mom, especially when you really love someone. But something changed, not immediately, not immediately, but gradually. She started to engage. She started to take ownership. She started to move. Not because I pushed her there, but because she got there herself. And I wanna highlight something here that often gets missed. Pulling back did not mean the outcome didn't matter. It didn't mean the deadlines disappeared. It didn't mean the consequences weren't real. It meant that I had to separate two things that often get conflated, caring about the outcome and controlling the path. I still cared deeply about where she landed, but I had to release my grip on how she got there. And that's the exact same distinction we are asking our divorce coaches to hold. You can care. You should care. But the moment your care turns into pressure, it stops being supportive and starts being directive. And that shift is subtle. It doesn't announce itself. It usually shows up in tone. in pacing, in the way you ask a question, and how long you allow silence before stepping in. And that's why this work requires such a high level of self-awareness. Because most of the time, that shift happens internally, before it ever becomes visible externally. This is exactly the work we are doing with our clients every single day. Your clients are in these high stakes, emotionally charged, often overwhelming situations. And just like in my story, they may be avoiding decisions, delaying action, staying stuck, making choices that don't make sense to you. And from your vantage point, You can see so much, right? You can see these escalation patterns, litigation risk, financial consequences, emotional harm. And because you can see it, there is a pull to move them, to guide them more directly, to help them get there. But here's the line. The moment you want that outcome more than they do, you step out of coaching and into control. even if it's subtle, even if it's well-intentioned, and even if you're right. Because now your questions are becoming leading. Your tone carries urgency. Your language carries judgment. Your presence carries pressure. And you know what? Clients feel that. And when they feel that, they either resist, shut down, or become dependent. None, none of which supports self actualization. And I want to name something else that comes up here, especially for those experienced professionals. There is often a belief that if I don't intervene, I'm not adding value. And that belief will push you right out of your role because it equates value with action instead of value with presence and process. But in this work, right, your value is not in how quickly you move someone forward. Your value is in how effectively you hold the space for them to move themselves. And I know that can feel counterintuitive, especially if you come from backgrounds where efficiency is rewarded, outcomes are prioritized. Right, expertise is demonstrated through direction. But dispute resolution, at least at this level, is different. We are not optimizing for speed. We are optimizing for alignment and ownership. And yeah, those take time. There's also a deeper layer here that connects directly to conflict dynamics. When individuals feel that their autonomy is being comprised, right, even subtly, our scarf dimension, right, this system responds. It responds in very predictable ways. They may defend, they resist, they withdraw, or they comply without ownership. And none of those responses move us towards meaningful resolution. Because real resolution requires engagement, not compliance. It requires participation, not pressure. And so when we as divorce coaches unintentionally step into wanting it more than they do, we are not just crossing a professional boundary. We are actively influencing the conflict system, often in ways that increase friction rather than reduce it. This is why at DCA we are so intentional about how we define this role. We are not training people to fix problems, direct outcomes, or accelerate resolution at all costs. We're developing conflict-informed dispute resolution specialists at the individual level, which means you are holding a process, not an outcome. You're supporting someone's capacity, not compliance, and you're facilitating awareness. not directing decisions. And that requires something very specific from you. The ability to tolerate, yeah, tolerate watching someone move slower than you may want them to. The ability to sit with decisions, you wouldn't make. The ability to stay grounded even when you see consequences coming. That is not passive. That is not disengaged. That is highly skilled. So what does this actually look like in our sessions? Yeah, it looks like small but powerful shifts. Instead of, I'm air quoting, you need to think about mediation before this escalates. You may say something like, what are your thoughts about how you'd like this to be resolved? Another one. Instead of air quoting again, This is going to be very expensive if it goes this way. Perhaps what role does cost play in how you're thinking about this? Another one. Why are you waiting? Rather, what feels like it's holding you in place right now? And sometimes this shows up in even more subtle ways. It's not always what you say. It's how quickly you say it. A client pauses. They're thinking. They're uncomfortable. And instead of allowing that pause, we fill it. We jump in. But that pause, that is where the work is happening. That is where integration is happening. And when we can interrupt it, we're not helping, we're disrupting. or if a client expresses uncertainty and we respond with, well, let's think about our options, which sounds supportive, but sometimes what they actually might need is space to sit in some uncertainty because certainty that is rushed is rarely stable. And if I am being honest, This principle is not just professionally challenging. It's personally confronting because it forces us to look at our own discomfort, our own need for resolution, our own relationship with uncertainty, right? Our tendency to move towards fixing because every time you feel that urge to push a client, there's usually something in you that is being activated. And part of the mastery in our work is being able to recognize that, for ourselves to pause and to choose not to act from it. Okay, so I want to come back to where we started with my daughter. The moment I stopped wanting it more than she did was the moment she had the space to step into it herself. And that's the work. not just as divorce coaches, but as humans, to recognize when we are crossing that line, to pull ourselves back and to trust the process enough to let someone own their own path. Because that's where real resolution lives, not in the outcome you helped them reach, but in the decision they made for themselves, in that trust, in their process, in their timing, in their capacity. That's not passive. That's not stepping back. That's an active discipline choice over and over again to hold the line, to stay in your role and to allow self-actualization to unfold even when it doesn't look the way you think it should. Because in the end, we are not measured by the outcomes our clients reach. We are measured by the integrity of how we supported them in getting there. Okay, and if you're listening to this and recognizing that this is harder than it sounds, that you can feel how easy it is to slip into wanting it more than your client, that you're seeing where you may be over directing, over functioning, or unintentionally creating pressure, that is exactly the work we do inside Divorce Coaches Academy. Our April training is focused on conflict-informed divorce coaching, which is not about learning more tools to help your clients move faster. It's about learning how to understand conflict dynamics at a deeper level, recognize what is happening beneath the behavior, regulate your own responses and high stakes conversations, and hold the line between support and control with precision. because this distinction between facilitating self-actualization and driving outcomes is what separates a general divorce coach from a true dispute resolution specialist. And that's the standard we are committed to. I want to thank you for being here and for doing this work the way it's meant to be done. Until next time.