Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #917 A Slice of Advice on Reducing Pressure

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#917 A Slice of Advice on Reducing Pressure · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for.
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  Speaker 2: The time poor parent who just wants answers. Now.
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  Speaker 1: Hello, welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. Today, a slice
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  Speaker 1: of advice on how we can take the pressure off,
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  Speaker 1: maybe reduce the pressure. Let's take the pressure down a
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  Speaker 1: little bit.
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  Speaker 2: You can't say that we not do a little bit
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  Speaker 2: of John Farm.
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  Speaker 1: Let me hear it, take the pressure down.
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  Speaker 2: Do you want me to sing more?
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  Speaker 1: You keep going, keep going. Okay, this is not karaoke.
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  Speaker 1: Let's move on with this. We're trying to give you
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  Speaker 1: a slice of advice on how we can take the
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  Speaker 1: pressure down, reduce the pressure. Because back to school it
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  Speaker 1: just feels like a lot, doesn't it. I know that
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  Speaker 1: it's tricky in all sorts of ways sometimes across the
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  Speaker 1: Christmas break, especially when you're juggling work and the kids
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  Speaker 1: being at home, But once school goes back, especially in
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  Speaker 1: the first week or two, kind of feels like, I
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  Speaker 1: don't know, family life feels more complicated than it was
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  Speaker 1: during the holidays. Do you ever look at families around
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  Speaker 1: us and think that was it that I'm married to
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  Speaker 1: a parenting expert and yet they're doing it so much better?
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  Speaker 2: Whenever I have the opportunity to stand in front of
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  Speaker 2: your audiences. Yeah, I literally say, I'm here to make
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  Speaker 2: you feel good about life because I'm doing it wrong
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  Speaker 2: all the time, and I'm hoping that you're going to
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  Speaker 2: learn something from me so that you don't make the
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  Speaker 2: same mistake.
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  Speaker 1: The thing is, if you visit with almost any family,
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  Speaker 1: sit down with any parent, have a genuine and honest conversation,
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  Speaker 1: they usually tell you that that's how they feel about
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  Speaker 1: everyone else. Like we all feel like we're the ones
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  Speaker 1: are just stumbling around the dark and the shadows reaching
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  Speaker 1: for the light, and it just feels completely unobtainable, but
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  Speaker 1: everyone else is obtained. It's just not us.
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  Speaker 2: Well, regardless of whether it's a social media highlights reel
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  Speaker 2: or not, we are actually seeing people's highlights in action
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  Speaker 2: in our lives. People are on their best behavior when
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  Speaker 2: they're out and about with you.
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  Speaker 1: Watching on Yeah, what's happening in their kitchen is not
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  Speaker 1: what's happening exactly.
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  Speaker 2: And we're all the same. So we we're judging other
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  Speaker 2: people on their public life while we're judging ourselves on
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  Speaker 2: our private life.
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  Speaker 1: So all week we're supposed to be just giving you
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  Speaker 1: one slice of advice to help with all the back
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  Speaker 1: to school staff today.
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  Speaker 2: We keep giving you half loafe.
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  Speaker 1: Well, yeah, we've down to five slices, five pieces of bread.
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  Speaker 2: I don't know, not even three sandwiches, slices.
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  Speaker 1: Five slices. Advice on how we can reduce the pressure,
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  Speaker 1: take the pressure down during back to school, and I
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  Speaker 1: guess just in life in general, I'm going to kick
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  Speaker 1: it off. My first one comes down to two really
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  Speaker 1: important words, and I think that if we can get
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  Speaker 1: this right, it solves so much in our lives, not
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  Speaker 1: just with pressure, but the way we are in the world.
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  Speaker 1: Two words self awareness. Self awareness, and what I mean
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  Speaker 1: by that is, in this context, in terms of reducing pressure,
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  Speaker 1: we have to be realistic about our capabilities.
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  Speaker 2: For the last sorry, I'm just stop.
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  Speaker 1: Laughing at me. Why are you laughing at me? I
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  Speaker 1: think the.
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  Speaker 2: Motto for the last twenty plus years has been bite
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  Speaker 2: of more than you can chew and make it up
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  Speaker 2: as we go alive.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, so maybe this podcast is just for me. I go,
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  Speaker 1: this is my medicine that I need to take. We've
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  Speaker 1: got to be realistic about our capabilities. Don't ask me
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  Speaker 1: how I'm going with this right now, We've got limited
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  Speaker 1: resources in terms of time and money and cognitive load
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  Speaker 1: and emotional space and bandwidth, and if we are not
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  Speaker 1: wise with those resources, like we tried to cram too
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  Speaker 1: much in, we get lousy results. So to take the
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  Speaker 1: pressure down, I can't marry Well, you've put that song
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  Speaker 1: in my head. Now. We're not even supposed to be
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  Speaker 1: talking about taking the pressure down. We're supposed to be
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  Speaker 1: talking about reducing pressure. And I'm just I'm right there
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  Speaker 1: with Johnny Farnham. Don't call me Johnny. I forgot he
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  Speaker 1: doesn't like being called Johnny Farnham. When we know what
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  Speaker 1: our resources are and we allocate them appropriately and accordingly,
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  Speaker 1: we just do better. So what I'm really saying here
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  Speaker 1: is get good at saying no, and there's easy ways
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  Speaker 1: to say no. Apparently I'm not that I'm very good
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  Speaker 1: at it. And the easy way to say no is
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  Speaker 1: I really wish that I could. Unfortunately that's not going
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  Speaker 1: to fit in. Just at the moment, I wish that
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  Speaker 1: I could is a way of really softly saying and
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  Speaker 1: probably truthfully saying, I want to be involved in this.
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  Speaker 1: But I'm realizing that I'm only wishing that I could
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  Speaker 1: because I don't have the capacity. So that's the first
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  Speaker 1: idea for reducing pressure, especially around back to school.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I did really well on that. I actually just
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  Speaker 2: got asked yesterday if I would participate in an Easter
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  Speaker 2: program that's obviously coming up, and I looked at the
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  Speaker 2: calendar and I just realized it wasn't realistic for what
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  Speaker 2: I say. Yes, I said, I wish.
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  Speaker 1: I could help you, but I can't and have that feel.
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  Speaker 2: Oh disappointing, because the reality is I actually really want
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  Speaker 2: to be a part of it.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, so it is true, I do. I really wish
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  Speaker 1: that I could. Yeah, Okay number.
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  Speaker 2: Two Number two creating framework, structures and systems. I can
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  Speaker 2: see what you've done here.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, I gave me the one that I need to
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  Speaker 1: work on, and I might have given you the one
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  Speaker 1: that you need to work on.
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  Speaker 2: So for the last twenty plus years, I have really
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  Speaker 2: really fought against structure in our home. I think that
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  Speaker 2: for the most part, I'm an orderly person. I don't
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  Speaker 2: love feeling boxed in by a structure. So this has
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  Speaker 2: been something that I constantly have to revisit and work with.
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  Speaker 2: But the times where our lives are falling apart the
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  Speaker 2: most is when I really have to push into this
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  Speaker 2: notion of structures because it makes such a difference. I
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  Speaker 2: know it, I like cognitively and mentally know that structures
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  Speaker 2: and systems make a difference, but I just I just
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  Speaker 2: really struggle with it.
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  Speaker 1: What's great about them is that once you've got a
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  Speaker 1: framework or a system or a structure, you don't have
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  Speaker 1: to keep thinking about it. So for mornings, for example,
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  Speaker 1: if you get that morning structure nailed down, you just
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  Speaker 1: go with the flow like it reduces friction. It's like, Okay,
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  Speaker 1: I do this, and then I do this, and then
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  Speaker 1: I do this, and then we're out the door.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. And this is the challenge though, because you give
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  Speaker 2: me a hard time because I don't I don't give
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  Speaker 2: you up. I do structure very well, but there are
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  Speaker 2: certain parts of the day where there is absolute structure,
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  Speaker 2: of course, and I work really well within those structures.
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  Speaker 2: But I don't like being told that I have to
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  Speaker 2: have this particular meal for dinner this night, or which.
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  Speaker 1: Is so funny because you think about the cognitive load.
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  Speaker 1: This is such a great example totally unscripted and unplanned here,
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  Speaker 1: but we have that conversation most days. So on a
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  Speaker 1: Saturday or a Sunday, we sit down with the kids,
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  Speaker 1: we put together a meal list, and then you look
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  Speaker 1: at the list and say, yeah, I don't want to
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  Speaker 1: do that. And so we're like, okay, well what will
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  Speaker 1: we have for dinner? Because we had a plan, we
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  Speaker 1: had a system, we had a structure, and yeah, I
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  Speaker 1: don't feel like cooking at all, and I'm like, well,
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  Speaker 1: we need food and the kids don't have the skills
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  Speaker 1: to cook. An often I'm away or I'm getting back late.
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  Speaker 2: Well, then you don't have anything to complain about it
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  Speaker 2: because you're not here.
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  Speaker 1: And the structure makes the difference. Like, the structure is
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  Speaker 1: what gets you through.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, Okay, So this year my plan is to work
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  Speaker 2: more on structures. And I actually don't have a choice
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  Speaker 2: now that I've got two children at home homeschooling. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: structure is.
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  Speaker 1: Really really massive. We're really feeling it right now. So
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  Speaker 1: I feel like we need to recap because these are
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  Speaker 1: two really big things. Number One, be realistic about your capabilities,
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  Speaker 1: say no where.
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  Speaker 2: You have to.
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  Speaker 1: Understand what your resources are because if you try to
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  Speaker 1: do too much, you just get lousy results. Number two,
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  Speaker 1: create frameworks and structures and systems. To reduce your cognitive load.
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  Speaker 1: Because you deal so much better, let's likely to get
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  Speaker 1: overwhelmed if you've just got a nice system to follow.
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  Speaker 1: Here's number three. This one's one of my favorites, and
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  Speaker 1: I think I'm pretty done good at this one. Slow
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  Speaker 1: things down, to speed up the thinking.
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  Speaker 2: Betin you, did you say that I'm really good at
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  Speaker 2: this one?
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  Speaker 1: No, I said, I'm really good at this one.
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  Speaker 2: Are you sure?
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  Speaker 1: The reason that this works? I like to use the
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  Speaker 1: analogy of a maths problem. So if the kids are
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  Speaker 1: sitting at the table and they're trying to do a
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  Speaker 1: maths problem, it doesn't make sense. What usually happens is
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  Speaker 1: they become increasingly emotional about it, and the more emotional
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  Speaker 1: they become, the more they tried to speed through to
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  Speaker 1: the solution.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, we're talking about emotions. Yeah, i'll give it to you. Well,
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  Speaker 2: pretty good at this.
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  Speaker 1: It's not just emotions, it's kind of everything. What happens
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  Speaker 1: when you're trying to go too fast is your brain
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  Speaker 1: kind of goes a little bit hay wire. Your emotions
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  Speaker 1: can go a little bit haywire. The pressure is on,
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  Speaker 1: and then things start to fall through the cracks. Maybe
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  Speaker 1: you get cranky. Maybe you forget a school bag or
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  Speaker 1: a school lunch, which only adds more pressure to your day,
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  Speaker 1: or I don't know, missus happy families. You're coming home
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  Speaker 1: from an extracurricular activity with one of the kids and
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  Speaker 1: you know you've got to stop and get dinner, except
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  Speaker 1: you forget because there's so much going on, You're going
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  Speaker 1: so fast, and then you get home, drop that child
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  Speaker 1: off and realize that you have to go back out
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  Speaker 1: to get the dinner. That you drive straight past.
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  Speaker 2: And let the dog out of them? Are you just
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  Speaker 2: going to keep going?
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  Speaker 1: So I can't believe you're picking on me. Awilm creates
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  Speaker 1: tunnel vision that what we need is low emotions and.
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  Speaker 2: We all late that night. Let's just be perspectives.
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  Speaker 1: Because they encourage expansive thinking and a solution's focus. So
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  Speaker 1: he's what I'm saying number three, to take the pressure off,
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  Speaker 1: take a beat, breathe, prioritize focus. That's how we reduce
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  Speaker 1: the pressure.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I might not be good at those ones, but
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  Speaker 2: I am really good at number four. Yeah, it took
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  Speaker 2: me a long time to work through this one. But
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  Speaker 2: number four is asking for help. This is really important.
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  Speaker 2: We're not supposed to be able to do everything on
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  Speaker 2: our own. We feel like that's what we're supposed to do,
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  Speaker 2: but we're not.
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  Speaker 1: There's something about asking for help. I'm so glad that
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  Speaker 1: you raised this. When I was running a session a
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  Speaker 1: little while ago and I said to people, how do
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  Speaker 1: you feel when you ask for help? And everyone said,
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  Speaker 1: I feel like I'm a burden. I feel like failure. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: I'm not keeping up. I'm showing everybody that I'm incapable
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  Speaker 1: and incompetence.
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  Speaker 2: No one else's problem but mine, and then then my kids.
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  Speaker 2: They shouldn't be anyone else's responsibility. Do you want me
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  Speaker 2: to keep going?
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  Speaker 1: I flicked the question around. I said, how do you
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  Speaker 1: feel when somebody comes to you and says, I'm struggling
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  Speaker 1: with something? Could I ask a favor? Could you give
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  Speaker 1: me a hand? And you know that to a person,
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  Speaker 1: they all said, I love it. I want to help.
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  Speaker 1: I feel useful. I feel like I'm making a difference.
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  Speaker 1: I feel like life is good when I'm helping people.
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  Speaker 1: Other words, we don't want to ask for help, but
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  Speaker 1: we love being asked for help. Now again, number one,
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  Speaker 1: you've got to make sure that you're realistic about your
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  Speaker 1: capabilities is Number two, you've got to make sure that
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  Speaker 1: you've got your frameworks and systems and structures in place.
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  Speaker 1: But people, especially if you choose carefully, people love being
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  Speaker 1: asked for help, especially when you ask the right way.
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  Speaker 1: I'm so glad you raise that.
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  Speaker 2: But here's the thing. This actually benefits of both parties.
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  Speaker 2: When we are in a position that we feel like
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  Speaker 2: we can ask somebody for help. Number One, we give
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  Speaker 2: them a boost because they actually feel great that you
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  Speaker 2: think highly enough of them that you would be vulnerable
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  Speaker 2: with them and let them in to that space. Firstly,
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  Speaker 2: but secondly, for them, they get a boost as they
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  Speaker 2: actually do something and know that it's benefiting you. It
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  Speaker 2: just elevates both parties, and I think in lots of
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  Speaker 2: cases it actually fortifies and strengthens the relationship. We just
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  Speaker 2: had this experience the other day. One of our teenagers
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  Speaker 2: was in our feral mood. She was not having a
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  Speaker 2: good day to some friends and their grand son was there.
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  Speaker 2: Little one year old wanted to go for a swim.
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  Speaker 2: The adults did not want to get in, and she said,
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  Speaker 2: I'll do it. So she got in the pool and
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  Speaker 2: she played with this little boy for maybe an hour
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  Speaker 2: and a half. In the water and by the end
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  Speaker 2: of the day she was a different kid.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: I haven't pointed out to her that it was actually
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  Speaker 2: because she was serving because she doesn't see it that way.
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  Speaker 2: She was just having fun in the pool. But that's
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  Speaker 2: actually what she was doing. She was serving the little
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  Speaker 2: boy and allowing him to have an experience he wouldn't
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  Speaker 2: have otherwise had. But she was serving the parents as
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  Speaker 2: well because they got to socialize with other adults instead
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  Speaker 2: of being stuck in the pool. It's such a beautiful
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  Speaker 2: reciprocal relationship.
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  Speaker 1: The idea of asking for help it could be as
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  Speaker 1: simple as well as just saying to your mum, hopefully
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  Speaker 1: let's say your mum or parent live nearby and seeing
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  Speaker 1: I'm wondering if you can help out as a grandma
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  Speaker 1: or a grandpa, could you do one school run for
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  Speaker 1: me a week, Like it's not a big thing, I
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  Speaker 1: just just one day. If I could have you on
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  Speaker 1: Wednesdays to just do that school run for me. What
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  Speaker 1: that does is it takes so much pressure off you.
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  Speaker 1: You know that morning you've got an extra ten, twenty thirty,
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  Speaker 1: maybe forty minutes that you can get a couple of
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  Speaker 1: things done that matter to you without the weight of
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  Speaker 1: the kids, and the grandparents step in and say, you
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  Speaker 1: know what, we really like being with our grandkids, not
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  Speaker 1: every day and not feeling like it's our job to
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  Speaker 1: raise them, but that one time a week where we
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  Speaker 1: get to drive them to school. It becomes a treat.
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  Speaker 1: We might even pick them up fifteen minutes early and
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  Speaker 1: stop for a hot chocolate on the way, like it
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  Speaker 1: makes such a difference. A playd eight for the kids,
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  Speaker 1: a merely your parents place on the weekend if they're
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  Speaker 1: living nearby. Small things really create disproportionate relief if.
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  Speaker 2: You don't have family close by. The next step is
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  Speaker 2: are asking friends, asking a neighbor. It can feel really,
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  Speaker 2: really scary that first time, especially if they're relatively new relationships,
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  Speaker 2: but they're such beautiful moments if we recognize that people
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  Speaker 2: have their own limitations and it's okay for them to
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  Speaker 2: say no. And number two, that we actually express gratitude
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  Speaker 2: when they are able to help.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, let's wrap this up. The last one that I'm
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  Speaker 1: going to mention is prioritizing sleep. You have clearer thinking,
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  Speaker 1: you have more energy, you have a much more cheerful
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  Speaker 1: way of being, and you just experienced less overwhelm and
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  Speaker 1: stress when you're getting enough sleep. People treat sleep like
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  Speaker 1: its luxury item.
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  Speaker 2: It is not.
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  Speaker 1: It's absolutely essentially you want to reduce the pressure in
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  Speaker 1: your life get enough sleep. So five things, five slices
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  Speaker 1: of advice as we head back to school and try
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  Speaker 1: to reduce the pressure that so many families are feeling
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  Speaker 1: in week one, week two of school and just like.
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  Speaker 2: John Farmer says, take the pressure.
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  Speaker 1: Down, make sure you're realistic about your capabilities, create frameworks
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  Speaker 1: and systems, slow down to speed up, ask for help,
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  Speaker 1: and prioritize sleep. We hope this is helpful. The Happy
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: Family's podcast is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media.
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: Craig Bruce is our executive producer. If you would like
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: more information about how to make your family happier, we'd
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: love for you to visit us at Happy families dot com.
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: Do you