Latest / Compass Student Ministry Sermons Podcast / True North+ | Ep. 2: Is Your Student Ready to Date?

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True North+ | Ep. 2: Is Your Student Ready to Date? · Compass Student Ministry Sermons Podcast

• 0:01
  Welcome back to episode two of True North Plus.
• 0:05
  This is our follow-up podcast to our dating series.
• 0:09
  So, we record these every week after our sermons to help you as parents to get the most out of the dating series, and really drive it home with your students, and talk about it with them.
• 0:21
  So I'm here, with my favorite person to podcast with.
• 0:24
  Sorry, Pastor PJ.
• 0:26
  Ooh.
• 0:26
  Oh, no.
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  But I am here with my- Drama beautiful wife, Shay.
• 0:30
  Oh, thank you, love.
• 0:31
  And we are here to talk about dating.
• 0:33
  So, part two of our dating series, we talked about how to know if we are ready to date.
• 0:41
  So last week, was about dating in general, what dating is.
• 0:44
  We talked about how dating, we do it for God.
• 0:47
  It's- Mm-hmm god is in charge of dating, and God is the most important person in our dating.
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  So we wanna do it for Him, for His glory.
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  And we talked about how dating is with marriage in mind.
• 0:58
  Dating's not just something that- Absolutely 14-year-olds do for fun or just what happens when two people like each other.
• 1:03
  But dating is on purpose for the intention of clarity regarding whether I should marry this person or not.
• 1:11
  So my goal in dating is a decision.
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  Should I marry you, or should you not?
• 1:14
  Or should I not?
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  That's, that's our goal in dating.
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  It's not closeness, it's clarity.
• 1:18
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:19
  So that's what we talked about last week.
• 1:21
  And then this week, usually in dating we talk a lot about who to look for, and we'll do that next week.
• 1:27
  But sometimes we focus so much on who to look for that we forget to look at ourselves and think, "Am I even someone who should be dating right now?"
• 1:36
  So in our sermon, I'll recap it really quick, but you can listen to the full sermon, right before this in our podcast feed.
• 1:43
  It, it's posted right above this.
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  So, you can listen to our full sermon.
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  But what we talked about, we talked about three things that you should look at.
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  And so our first thing you should look at is, your surroundings.
• 1:55
  So that means your circumstances and your community.
• 1:59
  And what we mean by that, circumstances would be are you relatively close to getting married?
• 2:05
  Because if dating is done with marriage in mind and you're 13 years old, and you're 10-plus years away from marriage potentially, or you can't drive yourself, maybe that's a circumstance- Maybe your mom's dropping you off at- Yeah, I
• 2:18
  told the stu- your date.
• 2:18
  Oh I, I did tell the students it's kinda lame if your mom drops you off- on your first date.
• 2:23
  Um, but yeah, do your circumstances make dating unrealistic for you?
• 2:28
  And then your community.
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  What does your community say?
• 2:30
  Community number one is your parents.
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  And so I told the students, if your parents say no, that means no for you because you are not honoring the Lord by dating behind your parents' back.
• 2:39
  So if your parents tell you to wait, then you as a student who wants to honor the Lord, that's what you do.
• 2:46
  You wait.
• 2:47
  And then your community also includes maybe some wise, godly people in your life, maybe your small group leaders, maybe any older Christian adults that you know, and then also your friends.
• 2:57
  But at this age we know that while it's helpful to have good friends, you really wanna lean on the people that love you most, know you best, and are willing to tell you when you're wrong.
• 3:06
  Definitely.
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  because it sounds great, so I probably didn't come up with it.
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  But- that was our first point was look at your surroundings.
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  Second point was to look at your heart.
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  Look at your character.
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  Are you the type of person that the type of person you would want to marry would want to marry?
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  I know that's a mouthful, but, am I someone who someone would wanna date really is, is what we're looking at with that second point.
• 3:28
  And then our third point was, check your motives.
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  Why do I wanna date?
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  And so, what we've done is we have taken the sermon and turned it into seven questions that you should talk about with your student.
• 3:43
  So before your student starts dating, or maybe they're thinking of starting dating, we've turned the sermon to seven things that we think would be helpful for you as parents to talk about with your students.
• 3:52
  And again, the reason we're doing this series is not to tell your students how to date and then for you to get on board with it.
• 3:58
  We're doing this series to help you, talk about dating with your student.
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  You're the primary discipler, and so we're doing this to help you, capitalize on an occasion, an opportunity to talk about your student's dating life and their thoughts about dating and, and just get a feel for where they're at,
• 4:14
  what they think, and to teach them and train them to do this in a way that honors the Lord.
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  We've got our list of seven questions for you to talk about with your student.
• 4:22
  And so, question one would be, and I think this is probably the one of the most important- Mm-hmm it's am I okay without dating?
• 4:34
  Yeah, I think that's a fantastic question, and I'm glad that's where we're starting because it really is the prime time to address whether or not there's some idols in your students' lives.
• 4:44
  If they are very uncomfortable with this question, I think it's a really awesome opportunity for you as a parent to delve deeper into what their relationship with Christ looks like, if they, at this time have a genuine relationship
• 5:00
  with Christ, and if, Jesus is enough for them.
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  And if they were to either not, not just not date in high school, but to not get married one day or to, have their circumstances not look like the way that they're planning, would they be okay?
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  And would they be, still fully satisfied with, our King, Jesus, and, the wonderful blessing it is to have a relationship with, with Him?
• 5:24
  So, ultimately I would love for, for our students to think about that more often, and would I be okay without not just dating, but without blank.
• 5:32
  And there's a lot of things that we could input that, for their life, stages right now as well.
• 5:36
  Yeah, totally.
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  And I think this is, something that I know is helpful for me when I'm looking at my life is, am I willing to sin to get it?
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  Am I willing to sin to keep it?
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  Or am I willing to sin if I don't get it?
• 5:52
  I didn't come up with that either.
• 5:53
  That's, I, I'm sure I heard that somewhere else.
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  But- the idea here is if, if dating or maybe this person that I want to date, if they're everything to me- Mm-hmm then we found an idol, right?
• 6:06
  Yes.
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  If, if I am undone- Mm-hmm by the fact that I can't maybe date in general, that I can't have this privilege, and I can't keep up with the people around me, and I can't do the things my friends
• 6:18
  are doing, or I can't be cool enough like they are, or it's this person, I just love this person- Yeah so much, and I want to be with this person.
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  And if, if I can't live without that, then that, that's a huge warning sign- Yeah that I'm gonna need this person more than I really love this person.
• 6:35
  And I do really think there's a fixation on that in high school is, you know, these, these teens are trying to be places where they know somebody else will be.
• 6:44
  They're trying to do things to get noticed.
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  We've all been there.
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  I'm sure we've all to some degree ha- have done that, and I know that, it's very easy to just become so, frankly, obsessed with either an idea of a person or an idea of being with anybody, and it
• 7:03
  really, really consumes, our students at this age and, and helping them refresh and reset and fix their mind on, what is above and what is greater than any earthly relationship we could possibly ever have, so.
• 7:19
  Yeah.
• 7:20
  So good.
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  So that, that question is one of the top seven, but, um, would be great for you to talk about that with your student.
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  And their second question here is, how is my relationship with God?
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  So, this comes from the idea, right, if dating is part of my relationship with God, then the rest of my relationship with God, I wouldn't want that to be negatively impacted by dating, right?
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  So, if my relationship with God is already struggling, introducing this time-consuming and energy and attention-consuming thing called dating Mm-hmm into that, probably not the best idea.
• 7:59
  So-- And this is probably just a question you should be asking your student regardless of what they think about dating This is a great question to ask your student in general, just, "What's your relationship with God like?"
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  Um, and this is just something you wanna have your finger on the pulse of as a parent, um, regardless.
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  But Your student might be thinking that dating has nothing to do with their relationship with God.
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  And hopefully, we've talked to them about that- but it'd be great for you to talk to pa- that with them as well.
• 8:25
  Yeah.
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  Just their job in dating is to honor the Lord.
• 8:30
  That is, that is the goal through everything we do in life, including, the pursuit of our girlfriends and boyfriends and, and spouses.
• 8:39
  It is for the glory of God.
• 8:41
  Yeah.
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  And one of our small group questions related to this was, how would dating someone, how would, should that affect your relationship with God, right?
• 8:49
  And, and so that would maybe even be something good to talk about with your student is, okay, if you were gonna start dating this person, let's say they have a person in mind, they wanna ask them out, or
• 8:56
  this person asked them out, or they've gone on a date, hey, how do you think your relationship with God is gonna change, grow or atrophy or decay, I guess, based on your new relationship with this person?
• 9:09
  Mm-hmm.
• 9:09
  So yeah.
• 9:10
  Then our second...
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  Or that was our second question.
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  So question one, am I okay without dating?
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  Question two, how's my relationship with God?
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  Question three is, am I dateable?
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  And this is a fun question.
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  It's a, it's a humbling question as well.
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  For sure, right?
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  We wanna think about, am I the type of person that someone would be interested in?
• 9:27
  Someone who loves Jesus and, is trustworthy and loyal and patient, all the things that we'd want from someone we date.
• 9:34
  And would that type of person be attracted to me?
• 9:37
  So we wanna ask about their character.
• 9:39
  And, and this is a question that y- you're not necessarily asking your student about their character.
• 9:45
  Mm.
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  You already know, right?
• 9:46
  You can see that.
• 9:47
  Yeah.
• 9:47
  You want them to think about, oh- I've been so concerned with finding the most amazing person, but I don't even know if that most amazing person would even wanna talk to me because I might not be the type
• 10:02
  of person they're drawn to.
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  Mm-hmm.
• 10:05
  So that's really what this question is about.
• 10:07
  It's helping your student see that, right?
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  And again, the goal of these questions isn't necessarily to tell your student, to like, to talk to your student.
• 10:15
  It's more so to lead your student through a thought process, right?
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  Our goal with these questions is we're trying to help our students learn how to think.
• 10:24
  Yeah, and come to their own conclusions about themselves and their heart posture and their mindset.
• 10:29
  Right.
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  A- and sometimes you have to tell your students, "Hey, I..."
• 10:33
  You have to disagree with them and say, "Hey, I don't think this is good for you.
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  Here's why."
• 10:36
  Yeah.
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  And you, you as a parent, it's your authority.
• 10:38
  You make the call whether they date or not, right?
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  So, um, sometimes you have to do that.
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  But in some situations, what you're doing is you're leading your student through a process, and you're trying to help them see, here's why, not just my parents don't think I shouldn't date, but here's why maybe general wisdom do-
• 10:58
  is, is, would be for me not to date right now.
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  And so we wanna equip them with a, with a process that they can use at 19, at 22, at, 27, right?
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  We, we wanna equip them with a filter for how should I think about myself before I start dating or even- That's great as I date.
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  Yeah.
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  So this isn't necessarily, you know, I'm here to talk my student out of dating.
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  It could function that way, but the goal more so is to lead them through a process.
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  Question one, am I okay without dating?
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  Question two, how's my relationship with God?
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  Question three, am I datable?
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  Question four would be, and this is the question I would lead with personally, is why do you want to date?
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  So how would you walk through this with a student, my love?
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  I mean, your third point of looking at your heart is where I would start.
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  I would just be asking them questions like, are you...
• 11:53
  Or I would want them to ask, are they just wanting to be wanted?
• 11:57
  Are they, feeling left out because all their friends are dating and they're not?
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  I think it's a very big question and, and would really prompt your student to check their heart motive.
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  And if they're just, kinda like what you talked about last week, trying to get an experience or a status update versus I want to pursue someone for the glory of God and love them and care for them and
• 12:24
  help them love Jesus more.
• 12:26
  Yeah.
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  That's so good.
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  Yeah, so question four, why do you wanna date?
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  Question five, and this is gonna overlap a little bit with what we're talking about next week, but what do you think is important to look for in a spouse?
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  And really what we're after with this question is what is your student drawn to?
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  You wanna help them see, what are the things that I'm looking for, and where do those come from?
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  Right?
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  Like, why am I so Into people that need to be a certain way, right?
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  I, I'm, I'm, why am I valuing these qualities so much?
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  That's really what we're after here.
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  It's, next week we'll talk more about, you know, what should you look for and, and, what type of person should you date.
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  But this is more so what do you, student, what do you, son or daughter, what do you think is important to look for?
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  What qualities do you value?
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  Because again, if dating is about clarity, you're not gonna get clarity if you don't know what you're looking for, right?
• 13:29
  Mm-hmm.
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  Or maybe you do know what you're looking for, but you're looking for things that aren't that important.
• 13:34
  Yeah.
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  It's al- it's also, I think, the ever-moving goalpost with social media and just a lot of other noise in the world.
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  I think our students can be looking for things that aren't real and aren't logical in any way, for what- Yeah a girlfriend or boyfriend looks like.
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  And so I think that's also a big part to consider is what are the outside influences on, on what's, affecting their mindset of what a dating relationship looks like, what marriage looks like.
• 14:03
  Yeah.
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  That's so good.
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  Question five, what do you think is important to look for in a spouse?
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  Question six, who is discipling you?
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  Now, this is a fun question that most teenagers probably don't even think about as they start dating.
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  But what we're looking at here is who's gonna help you through this process- Mm-hmm of dating.
• 14:25
  And as a parent, hopefully that's you.
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  Ideally, that's you.
• 14:28
  Mm-hmm.
• 14:29
  But I understand that, you know, some parents-student relationships, there's a lot that's happened.
• 14:35
  There's some strain or- And there's...
• 14:36
  Yeah, or lack of trust.
• 14:37
  Trust, yep.
• 14:38
  Or there's just, you know, maybe your student has totally written you off, right?
• 14:43
  And I think as a parent, m- you just wanna make sure that someone is going to do this, right?
• 14:49
  You're responsible for making sure that your student has someone in their life who's older than them, wiser than them, who loves them, who knows them, and who's willing to tell them they're being foolish.
• 15:02
  And so what we really stressed to our students tonight was that they need, as Pastor Rod likes to say, friends who are gonna stab them in the front.
• 15:09
  Yeah.
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  And ideally with dating, those friends are older and wiser than them- Yes have been there and done that.
• 15:15
  Um, but that's question six, is who's gonna walk you through this?
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  Who's gonna help you?
• 15:19
  Who are you gonna go to with your questions?
• 15:20
  Who are you gonna call when you break up and you're sad?
• 15:23
  Ghostbusters.
• 15:24
  Sorry.
• 15:25
  Um, who are you gonna talk to when you're really excited about how the second date went, right?
• 15:30
  Like, even that kind of question is, it's important to do that with older, wiser, godly people.
• 15:35
  And then question seven, how are your friendships?
• 15:37
  I'd include sibling relationships in here, too.
• 15:40
  But why would friendships be so important when we're talking about dating?
• 15:44
  Well, the way you are as a friend, if you are honest, and kind, and, reliable, is going to hopefully, Lord willing, reflect in your dating relationship, and then vice versa.
• 15:56
  If you are, unkind, and untrustworthy, and, maybe quick to, quick to anger, and, and, I think that w- in what way would that be different from your dating relationship?
• 16:08
  The way that you treat your friends is going to, come out in the way that you date as well.
• 16:13
  So if you're, not good at conflict resolution, if you're not good at being a supportive, and communicative friend, all those things are gonna come out, with your girlfriend or boyfriend as well, and that's really dangerous when you think
• 16:24
  that for whatever reason, when you're in a dating relationship, that you can just flip a switch and you're gonna be a completely different person.
• 16:29
  And I think even young people apply that with marriage as well, and that's not true.
• 16:33
  It's not gonna magically change who you are.
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  So, being mindful of who you are as a friend and taking a quick look at yourself and having a heart check of, "Okay, am I a good friend?
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  Am I a reliable friend?
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  Am I a kind friend who people trust and are excited to be around?"
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  Versus, "Oh, man, you know, I'm...
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  I...
• 16:50
  People don't go to me.
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  People don't, appreciate what I have to say.
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  People don't want my advice.
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  People don't want to talk to me and share things with me, and they feel maybe unsafe with me."
• 16:58
  That those are all things to consider.
• 17:00
  Man, that was so good.
• 17:02
  And I would even add siblings, too.
• 17:04
  And as a parent, you get to see this, right?
• 17:06
  But, John MacArthur once said, "You are who you are at home."
• 17:10
  When- Yeah someone's with their siblings, that's who they really are.
• 17:14
  And, you can even y- as a parent, you can tell your student, "Hey, you know, I, I think, y- before you start dating, here's what you should really focus on.
• 17:23
  You should focus on being compassionate and patient with your siblings."
• 17:26
  Yeah, definitely.
• 17:26
  "Because if you can, if you can love them, you can love anyone."
• 17:29
  Yeah, we can definitely see that with, maybe they're a really great friend, but maybe it's, that's kinda fake.
• 17:35
  And, and at home, they're really judgmental and, and a bully to their siblings.
• 17:40
  Yeah.
• 17:41
  So those are our seven questions, that we would love for you to talk about with your student.
• 17:45
  Hopefully, these are helpful for you.
• 17:46
  We're praying for you.
• 17:47
  We were praying for you before we, we recorded.
• 17:49
  Yeah, we did.
• 17:50
  And I'll put them in the show notes as well.
• 17:53
  But, we're so grateful for all that you're doing to disciple your students and train them to follow Jesus, and we're so glad that we can come alongside you- Mm-hmm and partner with you.
• 18:04
  So, thanks for listening to episode two of True North+, and we hope we'll see you again next week.
• 18:10
  Bye, everybody.