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Transcript

It's Their Turn?! · Forged in Fire: The Soldier | The Civilian | The Truth

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  (Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Hi listeners, we want to let you know
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  that the mental health of our soldiers, veterans,
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  their families, and all victims of war are
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  our priority.
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  Please note that the following episodes contain sensitive
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  material.
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  Know that you are valued and you don't
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  have to walk through trauma alone.
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  Your stories, your lives, have purpose.
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  Richly Productions presents Forged in Fire, The Soldier,
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  The Civilian, The Truth, starring Leah Vasquez and
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  Richard Cannell.
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  Created, written by A.C. Leo.
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  Hey, sorry I'm a little late.
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  Oh hey, no worries.
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  You're only eight minutes and 47 seconds late.
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  Well, I guess we need to get right
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  into it to make up for the almost
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  nine minutes we have lost because of me.
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  Take your time, no rush.
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  Okay, okay, always the gracious gentleman.
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  Here we go.
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  You said that the easiest part of being
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  a military couple was routine.
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  There's an entire lack of variation in choice.
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  That would drive me crazy.
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  I know, it sounds like a bad thing,
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  but when you're living in a naturally stressful
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  environment, moving through motions that are already set
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  out for you can make things easier.
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  Also, my spouse told me that doing the
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  same routine as the other spouses in the
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  same situation helped make her feel like she
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  was not alone.
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  When you say naturally stressful, do you mean
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  when spouses would be off to war or
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  just living on the base in general?
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  Both, really.
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  Deployments were obviously the biggest source of stress
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  because there was always the worry about what
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  might happen while someone was away.
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  Military life itself can be stressful even when
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  nobody is deployed.
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  One day you think you've got the next
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  few years figured out.
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  The next day you're told you're moving.
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  Plans change all the time.
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  The military's needs come first, and families learn
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  to adapt around them.
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  For spouses, there can be long periods of
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  handling everything on their own.
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  Even when the service member is home, there
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  are exercises, courses, duty shifts, and unexpected tasks.
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  Sometimes you feel like you're always waiting for
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  the next change.
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  That's why the routine became so important.
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  It was one of the few things we
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  could actually control in our lives.
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  You answered that the hardest part of being
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  a military couple was the inability to create
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  roots.
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  I have heard about military families moving a
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  lot and never being in one place for
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  a long period of time.
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  It was the hardest part.
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  What made it especially hard was that some
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  of those military families became much more than
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  neighbors or friends.
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  They became family.
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  They were there for us during some of
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  the most important and difficult moments of our
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  lives.
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  They showed up when someone was struggling.
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  They celebrated birthdays and holidays when family was
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  thousands of miles away.
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  Sometimes they understood what we were going through
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  better than anyone else because they were living
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  it too.
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  Then one day, they would get posted somewhere
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  else across the country, across the world, and
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  that chapter would just end.
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  Losing those connections could feel like losing a
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  piece of your life.
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  Why wouldn't you hear from them again?
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  Well, military families are conditioned to leave and
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  not look back.
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  Home is where your family goes and where
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  you take your pillow.
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  Looking back at bricks you've left behind is
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  a reminder of how helpless you are in
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  your own world.
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  Even worse is watching your children have to
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  say goodbye to their friends, then struggle to
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  develop rooted relationships with anyone other than their
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  parents.
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  I can understand it's hard to look back
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  at the house you might have lived in,
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  but I am having a hard time understanding,
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  with all the technology available to us, why
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  you would not keep in contact with other
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  military families that became, like family, solidified during
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  difficult moments.
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  It just doesn't happen.
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  Personally, I would have thought that the hardest
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  part would have been the very real possibility
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  that at any moment you could die and
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  your spouse gets the call that you died
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  in battle.
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  Well, I have talked about it many times
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  over the years with my spouse, and according
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  to her, that was not the hardest part
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  because she would say she had wholeheartedly trained
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  herself not to think about that at all.
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  If she did, our marriage would not have
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  lasted a day.
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  I find that really interesting.
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  I suppose, in a way, she had to
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  train herself not to go down that road
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  mentally.
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  If she spent every day thinking about the
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  possibility of losing you, it would be impossible
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  to function.
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  I think that's one of the things I've
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  been learning from this conversation.
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  As an outsider, I assume the biggest challenge
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  would be the fear of a knock at
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  the door or a phone call with terrible
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  news.
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  What you're describing are all the everyday realities
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  that people don't see.
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  The constant moving, the uncertainty, the strain on
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  relationships, and rebuilding your life over and over
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  again.
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  I can't speak for other military families, but
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  it was for us.
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  When I asked for three main characteristics a
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  military spouse would need to have, you actually
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  gave four.
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  Independence, mental strength, bravery, and faithfulness.
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  If you had to choose just one, which
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  do you think is the most important?
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  Well, they're all connected, so let me break
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  it down.
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  Independence is important because military spouses spend a
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  lot of time handling things on their own.
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  There are deployments, courses, you know, exercises, unexpected
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  absences.
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  Sometimes the service member has gone for months
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  and life doesn't stop.
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  Bills still need to be paid, and kids
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  still need to go to school, and problems
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  still need to be solved.
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  Bravery is important because military life asks people
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  to live with uncertainty.
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  It takes courage to say goodbye over and
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  over again.
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  It takes courage to move to a new
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  place where you don't know anyone and start
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  all over.
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  Faithfulness matters because long separations can put a
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  strain on any relationship.
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  Trust becomes incredibly important.
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  When you're apart, sometimes trust is all you
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  have.
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  But if I had to choose one, I'd
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  probably say mental strength.
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  My spouse had to be independent because she
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  was mentally strong.
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  She had to be brave because she was
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  mentally strong.
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  Even faithfulness is easier when you have the
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  mental strength to stay committed through difficult times.
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  Military life can be exhausting.
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  Plans change.
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  People leave.
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  You miss important events.
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  Sometimes you're lonely.
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  Sometimes you're frustrated.
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  Sometimes you're worried.
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  The spouses who seem to do the best
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  aren't necessarily the toughest people when they start
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  out.
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  They're the ones who learn how to keep
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  moving forward despite all those challenges.
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  My spouse used to say that military life
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  showed her she was capable of much more
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  than she ever thought she was.
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  Looking back, I think that's what mental strength
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  really is.
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  It's finding a way to carry on when
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  things aren't fine and doing it anyway.
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  Independence, mental strength, and bravery are all intertwined.
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  On the other hand, faithfulness stands alone and
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  I would not have thought of it as
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  a characteristic.
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  Yet you added it.
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  You also answered during the rapid fire questions
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  there was a high level of infidelity in
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  the military.
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  Is that why?
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  Yes.
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  Who are the most unfaithful, the soldiers or
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  the spouses?
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  Both.
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  Many spouses left at home cheat from the
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  build-up from resentment.
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  They grow hatred and blame towards their spouse
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  for having left them alone to fend for
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  themselves, especially the ones with children that just
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  can't manage doing it all alone.
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  The stress of them being gone, raising the
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  children alone, no one to help with the
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  activities or homework, so they stray.
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  And it's easy on a military base.
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  Many of the soldiers that are still on
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  the base don't care that their buddy is
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  overseas.
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  It's their turn.
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  It's their turn?