Latest / Glovisor Podcast / Ep. 26: Stop Living on Autopilot: Design the Life You Actually Want - Dr. Sony Tomar
Transcript
- Joe Abreu - Glovisor: Most people have a plan for next week. Few have a plan for their life. My guest believes that that's one of the biggest reasons people never reach their full potential. So how do you create a life plan that actually works? Dr Sony Tomar: Thank you so much for having me. Joe Abreu - Glovisor: ⁓ no. Hold on one second, please. ⁓ so so your cue would be when I say your name. Yeah. So be hold on now. I'm gonna go into the intro. That was the hook. Dr Sony Tomar: Okay. Joe Abreu - Glovisor: Welcome to the Glovisor Podcast, where we explore leadership, communication, business growth, and personal development through real conversations with people that make an impact. Today's guest left India, built a career in Australia, blended 17 years of corporate project management with the deepest questions of human purpose, and turned it all into a best-selling book and a movement. Today, she is here to show you how to stop drifting and start designing. Glovisor welcomes Dr. Sony Tomar. Dr Sony Tomar: Thank you so much all for having me and I really appreciate it that we are connecting ⁓ here. Thank you. Joe Abreu - Glovisor: It's a pleasure. Looking forward to the conversation. So my first question is, your book title says it all, by the way. Life didn't plan itself. Was there a moment in your own life where you realize you had had, you know, you weren't living that accidental, but rather intentionally? And what was that moment that woke you up? Dr Sony Tomar: Absolutely. ⁓ For me, that moment happened on a flight from Singapore to Melbourne. At that stage, my career looked successful from the outside. I was leading large programs, managing complex projects, traveling frequently, and taking all the boxes people associated with success And I remember sitting there on the flight, preparing for an important strategy session and reviewing a packed calendar. everything seemed perfect and suddenly a thought hit me. ⁓ My calendar has space for everyone and everything except me. And I had spent years managing projects and deadlines, budgets and teams, but I had not spent the same energy managing my own life. And I was achieving goals from outside, but I was not regularly stopping to ask whether these goals are still aligned with me, who I wanted to become. And that realization was uncomfortable, I know, because I understood that success is something title or salary or ⁓ ticking all the boxes. And that moment made me feel that, this is not what I wanted to become. That thought gave ⁓ this idea that I should do something differently. And that moment became a wake-up call. I started treating myself like a project, making sure that I have a clear purpose of my life. And that is really where the idea for Life Didn't Plan Itself, Why You Must Lead It, that reflect on a very simple motto that you should live your life. not just for the sake of living it, you should lead it with intention. Joe Abreu - Glovisor: Wow, what a moment, huh? That you came to that realization. In now what happened? ⁓ you you come to this realization. How did that translate into you becoming a life coach? Dr Sony Tomar: ⁓ That was not planned move, would say, Joe. As you can see that ⁓ my background is engineering. I've spent over 17 years in program management. I was born in India, done most of my education there only. ⁓ My ⁓ mind was like, okay, my background is technology. That's where I should spend most of my life. The idea shift when I realized that most of people like me, ⁓ they are doing pretty good on paper, numbers are looking great, have good career, but somewhere there is some piece of puzzle is missing. And that moment, that realization helped me to move my career or my, I would say my mindset into coaching business. Because ⁓ coaching is not just, you it's not like you wake up one day and you think that you will become a coach. It's a mindset transition. It's slowly you, you know, you have that platform, you have that wisdom and you think, okay, this is the time now I can use my fuel for other vehicles. Joe Abreu - Glovisor: Sure. Now you know what's interesting is that project management is very often seen as a corporate tool, but how do you apply that same thinking to building a life? And can you walk us through what that actually looks like in practice? Dr Sony Tomar: Well, that's a very good question because most of people think that program management or project management is all about, you know, spreadsheet and timelines, budget, risk management. And I would say program management is more than that. ⁓ tells you how you can have a clear plan, how you can execute those plans, how you can have clarity about something which you are not aware of. And I implement that program management terminology in my own life because I was managing everything. I was managing those multi-million projects and programs except managing myself. ⁓ And it is very simple, It's not a rocket science. You use the same framework, same methodology, same approach, and you apply that. ⁓ For instance, in program management, we use risk management. We use a risk register or tool. ⁓ The similar way you can have that risk ⁓ tool or you can have that risk approach ⁓ in your own life. You say, OK, I have this plan. What will what is the risk if I go from point A to B and you have that kind of you know risk ⁓ identification approach you have that risk mitigation ⁓ way to deal those risks so the so it's it's kind of simple you know the same thing go in your real life as well and for me it was pretty easy because I've spent 17 years doing that and for me that's like you know that's like ABCD. ⁓ That's something I can do even when I'm sleeping. So it's like, okay, this is the time for me not just managing ⁓ projects or programs for my company. I should start managing myself as a project. And that's where this book ⁓ idea came in my mind because I was like, we should start something from a reliable source and someone who write a book, it's a good foundation. It's a good start. So that's the ⁓ idea behind it. Joe Abreu - Glovisor: really like that practical perspective that you have and how you apply that to the process. ⁓ but you know one thing that is that you talk about constant reaction and shifting or moving to conscious design. Can you tell us a little bit more about that? Dr Sony Tomar: Yeah, that's definitely I can see these days, know, people, ⁓ react, you know, there is any email that they're receiving, they're reacting first before analyzing or before digesting that information. You know, people, those, know, who are doing this reaction, this thing, ⁓ doing, you know, giving a reaction to anything, they should start, ⁓ they should start with a simple exercise, which is taking a bit of pause. and just thinking how I should digest this information before I reacted. And the moment we start realizing that we should not react to everything and everything that we have around us, it doesn't require a reaction. ⁓ And I would say the reason many people feel stuck is not because the lack ability or they don't have knowledge. It's because they're constantly reacting. They're constantly reacting. to deadlines or expectations or our social media, family demands and everyone else priorities. So that is, know, not just, I would say not just one or two people I've seen around me or, you know, people, those who come for coaching. There are many people doing the similar thing. It's a pretty consistent pattern that I have observed in my clients. Joe Abreu - Glovisor: Sure. So the conscious design aspect of it, is it a part of it? Is it to live with whatever it is that is brought onto you or onto your plate for to say, okay, let me just take a second and live with it for a bit to make a decision which is the best direction to go. Is is that how it's perceived? Dr Sony Tomar: Sort of, yes. I would say before we change anything, again, I will use this project and program management example here. Before we start working on a project, what is the first thing we do as a program manager, as a program leader? We assess the current situation. So the similar way we do that in our life, like is the life I'm living today taking me closer to the person I want to become in the next five years? not the person your family expects or not the person society expects or not something that your kids expect from you. The person you genuinely want to become, it's you. You should have that decision. You should make that call. In project management, we never start with a fixed project. We always say, OK, this is the as is process or this is the as is a project. And this is where we want to be. in the next couple of months or in the next couple of years. The similar way we should do that in our real life. ⁓ Sometimes it can start from a very small shift. You can start having 30 minutes ⁓ in a week time for yourself. Keep that 30 minutes for yourself and say, that 30 minutes are for me. whatever you do in those 30 minutes, ⁓ you should take that pause. You should do that self-reflection exercise. The similar way, you should have those difficult conversations that you have been avoiding for many months. So you can start with those small steps and exercise and slowly those actions will become a consistency, how do you call it? You will have a consistent ⁓ response to the question that you were reacting first. Joe Abreu - Glovisor: Interesting. It seems that you're blending the Eastern wisdom with the modern leadership principles. ⁓ so that's a very interesting blend for people. And you speak a lot about self-leadership before you can start leading others. So, in your experience, what is the biggest thing that people get wrong when they're leading themselves? Dr Sony Tomar: I would say, ⁓ I just, before I answer that question, I just wanna say here that I really like you have used, you know, ⁓ wisdom or you have used this modern ⁓ leadership technology words because most of people assume that these two are different words. ⁓ And in my dictionary, these two are not different things. These, you know, fit really well with each other. ⁓ modern leadership focus on how you can have clarity, how you can execute your plans, how you can have a successful life. But the same way, this Eastern wisdom focus on your inner alignment, your inner mastery. If you don't know how to take actions and how to have a successful life, this Eastern wisdom is ⁓ useless. if you know, if you have alignment about yourself, if you know, if you're aware about your thoughts about your fear, but you don't know how to action them, then again, you know, it's it's it will not itself serve the purpose. So these two fit really well together. ⁓ And the second question you asked me, sorry, can you repeat that again, Joe Abreu - Glovisor: Sure. ⁓ So you speak a lot about self leadership before leading others. In your experience, what is the biggest thing people get wrong about leading themselves? Dr Sony Tomar: I think the biggest mistake people make about self-leadership is believing that it's about controlling everything and it's about that you should have answers for everything. Self-leadership is something that you should have awareness about yourself. Some people may not agree with my statement and that's okay because self-leadership really means is having awareness about yourself and things around you. I have seen many leaders in my life, you in the last 17 years I've seen many successful leaders, entrepreneurs, you know, they're doing really good, they have successful business lives, they're having good family life. But they are not the ones who have enough self-awareness to understand. They are the ones who know what matters to them a lot. means a person who knows what matters to him as a person and what matters to his team. The similar way, self-wisdom creates awareness and awareness creates choice and choice creates freedom. So it has a direct ⁓ connection with your, know, ⁓ how you make choice every day, how you perceive things ⁓ every day. And that's all about self leadership. Self leadership is not like you should be good at everything or you should take all the boxes. That's not ⁓ the self leadership or self control. Joe Abreu - Glovisor: Absolutely. So one of the things that I I really like what you just said, because success is so different for so many people. And we always talk about this. And you use the word freedom, freedom, because that is the key to success. If you don't have the freedom to do the things that you want to do with the people you want to do it with, you're really, in my mind, you really haven't reached a lot of success because now your calendar is someone else's calendar. It's not really yours to do what you want to do with it. ⁓ but once you reach that self-awareness and you know where you are and you know what you're doing and you have that freedom, then I think that's true success. Because now you're doing what you enjoy. So so another thing is that you talk about is ⁓ burnout. Can you explain to us what a burnout is so that way we we can all be on the same page? Because I think we all have a sometimes we feel a little bit overwhelmed during the day. We're like, ⁓ I'm all burned out. But does that really mean we're burned out? Dr Sony Tomar: I exactly. you Well, you know, I'm also human. So yes, sometime ⁓ I also feel that. I would say before I answer that, I would say some people have, you know, they have ⁓ different meaning of this burnout, you know, and there is a is a misconception about burnout world. know, people believe that ⁓ burnout is simply a workload problem. And sometimes it is, you know, yes, it's because you're working for long hours, you're working for 12 hours or 14 hours a day. But in my experience, burnout is often much deeper than amount of work you are doing. It's something that you are carrying for many years and you have not dealt with that. That is what burnout is. I would say, burnout happens when there is a disconnect between you and the... the things that you have been doing. ⁓ It comes when you do something which you don't want to do, which is something not aligned with your personal values. That's where the burnout comes. Burnout comes again when someone push you out of the boundary. And instead of saying, no, I'm not comfortable with this change, you just accept it because you have burnout. you already burned out and you don't know what else to do and what else to give to your family, to your team, to your company. That is what burnout means. People don't burn out only because they're doing too much, I would say. And again, I think I'm coming to the same point here. They burn out because they have been carrying two for many years. Sometimes it comes from the trauma that they may had a couple of years back or couple of months back it comes from that as well. Joe Abreu - Glovisor: We're so much more than who we are today. Dr Sony Tomar: totally and burnout again, I would say it's not just from that physical tiredness. It's from that mental tiredness when you don't know how to make decisions, how to present yourself. And, you know, if you want to say something, something is holding you back. That is also a form of burnout that you're going through. ⁓ You know, it's your life. You know, if you ask for change, you can change things ⁓ without thinking twice and If you can't change it, if you have 100 thoughts, then yes, you definitely burned out. You are overburnt. Joe Abreu - Glovisor: You just mentioned holding you back. So what are the most common patterns that you see that are holding people back that they're not even aware of? Dr Sony Tomar: ⁓ There can be many things, Joe. People, ⁓ they feel something's holding them back because of their habit, because of their ⁓ self-belief that they can't do it. Or maybe they have this, ⁓ they are trapped in this identity. I've seen many people saying that, ⁓ I can't do this because I've known for this for last 20 years. ⁓ These kind of things always hold them back. Someone... I remember one of my clients said, oh, I don't enjoy my work anymore. I was like, okay, why don't you try something different? And he said to me, I've been doing this for the last 38 years. How can I try something new? So, you know, this self-belief and doubt, fear, habit, you know, not know how to change those patterns, how to break those patterns, hold them back. Joe Abreu - Glovisor: So can you share with us maybe a success story of someone that's worked with you? Dr Sony Tomar: There have been few clients where I have worked with them for few weeks. For some of clients, I've worked for months. I would like to mention about a client which was very good on papers, a pretty successful leader, I would say. When he came to me for coaching program, for one moment, I was thinking, where is the gap? because from the outside everything looks perfect. He has this good family. He got two kids, pet, a big house, and got a really good career. And when I start having few sessions with him, that's when I realized that this man was pretty empty from inside. The work he was doing was not aligned with his personal values or his passion. And I remember clearly when he said to me that, ⁓ you know, I'm doing this role because I can give a good life to my family. I'm like, okay, that's pretty good reason because we all want to give a good life to our families, right? But I was like, why you don't try something new? You you may have few skills which you are not aware about. Let's start talking about them. And while I discuss this, while I discuss their ⁓ patterns of when I assess about their life, about their personal and professional lives, I also, I start making my notes and there were many things that this person was good at and he didn't realize it for many years. So I said to him, you have the answers. Let's wrap up our coaching program because we have spent few months, ⁓ you are pretty. ⁓ You're in a very good state now. This is the roadmap look like. And come to me once you reach to that state. And on the roadmap, I thought it may take him maybe a year or two years. And this man came to me in eight months time, Joe. And he said to me, thank you. Because it was ⁓ me who did everything. And I'm the same person who thought, ⁓ I won't be able to do it. I was stuck in the same pattern, in the same life, ⁓ but I did it. And thank you for helping me out through this self-reflection exercise, through this roadmap, through this practical tool that you have talked me through. So this kind of, you know, my coaching program, this exercise or tools always help clients to change those patterns and to, you know, understand themselves better. Because most of times we all know where the answers are. Just need a bit of support, a bit of ⁓ hand holding. Joe Abreu - Glovisor: Sure. And you you're that person that's standing on the outside looking in and you have a different perspective altogether. ⁓ so your book Yeah, absolutely from the outside. ⁓ but your book helps readers define purpose, ⁓ milestones, and measure success beyond the titles and income. ⁓ but what does conscious success actually feel like? And how does one know when you've arrived, if you s if you will? Dr Sony Tomar: Yes. Seeing things from different lens, yeah. That's a pretty powerful question because I think many people spend years chasing success without even knowing what they want in their life and what successful life means to them. for a long time and this is how we have been told and we have been raised that successful life is to have a good career, a big house, having a big family. That is a successful life. But what if someone take that from you? Someone take that job, take out that bank account, those savings, take that big house from you. You'll be left with yourself. So what all matters, know, this, this a conscious success means what is your relationship with yourself? Will you be able to survive if someone take that all from you? Will you be able to stand again and start everything from scratch? That is conscious success. That you know, if someone take it, if take all these things from you, you're still able to. stand up for yourself and you can still start things from scratch. That is conscious success. You something that you know what you are capable of and you can do it again and again without any support, without you know a feeling down, without thinking that all my life is finished. No it's not you know you still have a peaceful mind, you still have that wisdom, no one can take wisdom from you. And I'll tell you a small story here, Joe. When I was a kid, my dad always used to tell me, he was like, you ⁓ you can store ⁓ food ⁓ in a storeroom, thief can take it, you can store, you can have money in the bank, ⁓ know, thief can take that money from the bank. But there's one thing no one can take from you is your peace. And ⁓ how you see this life from a different lens. People can't take the hard work, ⁓ that mindset from you. And that's where my focus is always be. The title, the money, yes, if you have that, it's great. But if you not have that, it is still fine because you will have that by chasing a peaceful life. Joe Abreu - Glovisor: Absolutely. That's great advice. ⁓ for anyone who is ready to stop drifting and they want to start leading their lives with intention, ⁓ where would you recommend that they start? Dr Sony Tomar: I would say, ⁓ for most of our lives, ⁓ we are taught that ⁓ it's a title and ⁓ it's a house, it's a promotion. ⁓ Sorry, Joe, can you start that question again? I missed you for a moment because of network. Joe Abreu - Glovisor: Sure. Just one second. Delete. For anyone ready to start. For anyone ready to stop drifting and start leading their life with intention, where should they start? Dr Sony Tomar: I would say they should start with a very, ⁓ they should start ⁓ asking a simple question to themselves. ⁓ Is this the life I wanted to have five years ago? If it's not, then it is time for you to take control of your life and start leading life and stop this autopilot mode. I think that is the moment. If you can answer that and if you're, know, if you're ⁓ If the things that you have been doing, it's aligned with your values. If it's aligned with your success definition, then you are on the right track. Joe Abreu - Glovisor: Absolutely. You know, one of the things that is interesting there for me is that most people that I talk about, well, you know, what ⁓ where are you now? Where's your life going? Most people say, well, let's look ahead. Where are you gonna be in five years from now? But what you said that was different that I really, really like, is that you said look back five years ago. Are you where you wanted to be five years ago? Yeah, and that's key because Dr Sony Tomar: current. Joe Abreu - Glovisor: You know, we're always thinking about the future and sometimes we're just changing those goals and we're changing our, you know, our location and destination where we're going. But we're not thinking about what have we accomplished so we can move forward. That must be the project management side of you. Dr Sony Tomar: I agree with you and I would like to add one more line here. It's not about chasing human race. It's about conquer the world as you want to. If 10 people in your company or in your family, they are doing something different, it doesn't mean that you follow their path or you should follow their pattern. You can create your own path. And for me, success is something that, know, I would say the highest form of success is not when the world applauds for you. It's when you can sit quietly with yourself and you like the version ⁓ of yourself that you want it to become. And you have become that version now. And it is something pretty simple, but it's very powerful. It's not like what is telling you. telling you that you doing great. It's you telling yourself that you've been doing good for last many years and keep doing it. So that is pretty, you know, that is pretty powerful ⁓ and it's a pretty strong thought ⁓ if you see from inner mastery perspective. Joe Abreu - Glovisor: It sure is. Now, for those people that want to continue the conversation with you, where should they go? Dr Sony Tomar: ⁓ They can find me on social platforms. ⁓ have my ⁓ website as well, www.lifeandlead.com. have Life and Lead coaching on LinkedIn. ⁓ We are on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube. And I have so many coaching programs on my website. So, if people would like to reach out to me, they can contact me on the website. or then they can message us on the social platforms as well. Joe Abreu - Glovisor: Excellent. And we're going to have all that information in our descriptions of the videos and podcast episodes. ⁓ Dr. Sony Tamar, thank you so much for joining the Glovisor Podcast. ⁓ The work you're doing to help people move from living by default to living by design is genuinely important. ⁓ I'm looking forward to hearing more of what you do and more success stories. Dr Sony Tomar: Thank you so much Joe, appreciate you. Joe Abreu - Glovisor: You're welcome. Thanks everyone for listening. If this episode inspired you, share it with someone who needs it. And don't forget to follow the Glovisor Podcast for more conversations on leadership, communication, resilience, business growth, and personal development. Till the next time. Dr Sony Tomar: Thank you so much. Bye bye.