Latest / The Raising Emotionally Intelligent Humans Podcast / The 2 Things that Changed my Mornings from Frustration to Flowing Joy
Transcript
- Heidi: Hello all. Welcome to another episode of the Raising Emotionally Intelligent Humans Podcast. I'm Heidi, your host, a mom by choice to two little girls, a lover of feelings, a therapist, human design nerd, and all kinds of things. Today I'm coming to you with a couple of stories about shoes. Okay. So st if you're listening to this and can close your eyes, feel free to close your eyes to imagine the story. If you're driving, obviously don't close your eyes. Or if you're doing what I normally do when I listen to podcasts and clean your house, you don't have to close your eyes. Okay, so just imagine you're laying in your bed, morning is coming. You hear little feet pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter running into your room. It's a normal morning. They climb into your bed and It's early, you're groggy and tired 'cause it's another day where they're waking up before six AM or right at six AM and you're just wanting more sleep. But the little humans are in your bed. And you're gonna do the best you can. Groggly say hi. Alright, lads, get up. Slowly push your body up, put your feet on the floor. You feel a little frustrated already. Your older five year old just kicked and whined. She's like, you're not getting up fast enough, let's get up. Get up, mom. Can we get up yet? That's kind of what she sounds like. Obviously, I'm not five, but more than five year old. Like, okay. Slowly pull yourself out of bed. Look at both of your kids still laying in your bed, feeling frustrated that they're making you get up, but they're not getting out of the bed. Feels unfair. You don't like it. You want to sleep more. But you know you're the parent, so it's your job to be the first one to get out of the bed. You walk to the bathroom. Do your stuff. Get all everybody's toothbrush ready. Yours, the kids. Carry the toothbrushes back to your bed where they're still very peacefully, happily laying. You brush your teeth. You try handing the toothbrushes to your kids. They tell you no. You'll feel frustrated again. You're like, Whatever. I'm gonna give up. Put the toothbrushes down on the nightstand. You brush your teeth. And then you know you have to brush theirs. Mm, man, do you not want to brush their teeth 'cause you know you're about to enter a struggle. So you said who wants to go first? They both say their sibling. So you pick one. Like, okay, I'm gonna brush your teeth first. The three year old screams, says, No, no, no, Nami. You happen to know that she's easier, so you just start talking about Elsa and Frozen and Anna and Olaf being in her mouth. She actually pauses and looks at you because it's funny that you're telling a story about a snowman and people in her mouth because she happens to be in love with all things frozen right now. So she lets you brush the rest of her teeth. without too much of a struggle. And you feel a little relief, like whew. Okay. That one wasn't too bad. And then you turn to look at your five year old and you know she usually kicks and screams when she doesn't want her teeth brushed. You tell her it's time to brush her teeth. She says, No. It's time to brush your teeth. She puts her hands over her face. Say, it's time to brush your teeth. She tries to run away. You gently grab her. You gently lay her down. Say, I'm gonna brush her teeth. And you do the hold the dentist showed you. You know, gently place her head between your legs. Gently place your legs over her arms. And you brush her teeth. Because that's your job. You have to keep her teeth clean. That's part of keeping her healthy and safe. The entire time she's skicking. She starts to cry a bit. You manage to make it through it. You get off of you as soon as you can. You let go of your hands, you let go of your feet, you let her go and she runs away. You don't really care. Like whatever. Because you're tired. Ugh. Goodness, it's just hard. You go get dressed. Because that's the next thing you gotta do. You just gotta get dressed. You tell them to get dressed too. They don't listen. They don't even pretend to try to get dressed. You hear them playing some kind of game, some th family game, somebody's a doctor. They're playing. Not listening to a thing you said. I okay. It's frustrating. It's hard. It's hard being really tired in the morning, being a parent responsible for everything. So then you go pick out their clothes and you bring them their clothes. You tell them it's time to get dressed. They say no, or they just don't say anything. Like, Okay, do you wanna put on your clothes? Do you want me to do it for you? They start to move a little bit. They do eventually start to put on their clothes. But you have to help the little one a little more. Then the only one decides that she wants to be a baby. So ev although she has her underwear on and her shirt on, she can't put on her shorts. So you have to do it because she's now a baby. So you put on her shorts. Maybe. If you were a little too frustrated, you pulled them up a little bit forcefully. Didn't actually hurt her, but you could feel the frustration building in your body and the it coming out of your hands. The morning is just not going well. When you go downstairs to make breakfast, you make the same thing you make for them every morning. You feel guilty that you're giving them again waffles. Frozen waffles. They're not even homemade waffles, they're frozen waffles with syrup on them. You've gotten into a rut, you give it to them every single morning. They ask for for dinner. Sometimes you give it to f them for dinner too, but you try not to. You want them to eat healthy, but what they want is a waffle. And that just feels easier, so you just give a waffle. They eat you make your breakfast, which you try to eat healthy, so you make yourself some eggs, some fruit and You have these reminders that are set to go off of on Alexa or your Google, whatever it is that you have. We have Alexa. And she reminds you you have fifteen minutes until it's time to leave for school. And she tells the kids to put on their shoes. Everybody ignores it. Nobody listens to it. You haven't even gotten your full breakfast onto your plate yet. Like, dang it, I only have fifteen minutes. How am I gonna do this? You just want a nice leisurely breakfast where you can eat your breakfast. Have a cup of coffee, drink some water, try to finally feel like you're awake and not so groggy. So you don't listen to the next time Alexa tells the kids to put on their shoes. They finished their breakfast a while ago and they're just playing. But you're eating and you're a little distracted on your phone because you're trying to f wake up, see what happened this last night. I don't know. You scroll some social media, you don't even know why you're scrolling, but why not? Why not check out everything that's on your phone? Then there's the you need to leave for the house. Or you need to leave the house to go to school. Morning. Like, ooh, we're supposed to be leaving. I haven't even taken my meds. my goodness. no. How are we ever gonna do this? We're never on time and it's weighing on you and it's frustrating and it's almost feels like it's impossible to even be on time. So what's the even point of trying? You finish your breakfast, you take your medicine, you use the bathroom again, you put the shoes on the kids after asking them to do it four times because they just aren't doing it. And you are about to go out the door and then they say, wait, wait, wait, I need my thing Like, goodness, what do you need now? The frustration is building and building and building. They run into the house to go find some kind of toy that they want to bring to school. It takes them a long time. You're at the door, frustrated. Your voice is getting a little bit louder. You keep telling it's time to go. Let's go. Come on, let's go. Come on, come on, come on. There's a lot of rush in your voice, a lot of pressure. You might even scream at them to come on, let's go. doesn't really make them go faster. Then they're a little upset and they're frustrated too. But you eventually get out the door and get them in their car seats, get to school. Y you know, you're like a half an hour late. You're but you're like, hey whatever, it doesn't really matter. It's daycare, it's not really school. They're still young. Whatever. And that feels like it's most mornings. That is a hard morning, Mamas or parents. It is really hard. That has been my morning many mornings. And I honestly had no idea how in the world am I gonna get my soon to be kindergarten er she's gonna be a kindergartner. How am I gonna get her to school on time? 'Cause in kindergarten it actually matters a little more. There's a bell that rings and that's when everybody walks inside. I'm like, sure, I mean, if you're late occasionally it's not the end of the world. It's not the end of the world if you're late every day, honestly. But I feel this pressure to be on time. I want her to start the day off with the rest of the class. And I was like, I don't know how I'm gonna do this. I troubleshoot several things. I tried waking up at five forty five, setting an alarm so I could wake up two hours before we need to leave, and that's leaving five minutes, even five to ten minutes early. To see be like, okay, if I have that extra time then maybe we'll get out of the door on time. I couldn't give myself to get out of bed that morning. So that didn't work. 'cause I tried to go to bed early and I could not fall asleep. I can't fall asleep at eight forty five. I tried all kinds of things. I don't even know what I tried. It's like what if I don't know, they wear their clothes to bed. What if they nothing mattered. Nothing made a difference. I was like, we're just gonna have to keep practicing and keep being better and I don't know. We we have to figure it out somehow. Then and listen to this podcast. Changed my life. Okay. Giving full credit to Whole Parent, John. His last name starts with that F. I don't know how to pronounce his last name. He's amazing. Go look him up. He's the Whole Parent. He's has a Whole Parent Instagram. He has a Whole Parent podcast. He has written a book called No punishment. Parenting, I think. I think that's called No Punishment Parenting. I'm currently reading it and it's fantastic. So look him up. He's great. Okay. I'm gonna tell you another story. Imagine this. You're waking up in your bed. The pitter-patter of the feet come. You're a little groggy. You feel tired. You wish you could have slept a little longer. And you're gonna be a little more intentional. You're gonna pull that little kiddo next close to you. Do you want to snuggle? Yeah, I want to snuggle, mama. The little one says. She says, Mama. I waited until my clock was green, so proud of herself. And I say, sweetheart, I'm so proud of you. You're doing such a great job sleeping in your own bed. We all feel so much more well rested when we sleep in our own beds. And then your older one wakes up too. And she comes she happens to be happy today. She comes and runs a little bit to your bed. She's like, Mom, can we snuggle? Of course, come here, sweetheart And you hold both of them, one on each shoulder, your arms wrapped around each of them, you're feeling their warm bodies Remembering that these are your kids, that you actually love them, that you adore being a parent, being a mom. And you just immerse yourself in that moment of feeling their tiny bodies. Their warmth. A little annoyance because there's oop, there's some hair in my face. this one's got a lot of hair. So try to mic that hair down. You know, get it off the face. But that annoyance is nothing. It's a blip. Because mostly it just feels really lovely to snuggle with your kids. There's no pressure. We're not gonna race to get up. And then the five year old says, Hey, can we get up now? Because she's done. She doesn't want to snuggle anymore, she's ready. You say, Yep, we sure can. And you ask the little one, Are you ready to get up? And you feel her slide her feet over the edge of the bed. And she slides her feet down and you help her go all the way down so her feet touch the floor. And she stands up smiling. And then you get out of bed too, and you won't walk over to the bathroom. The little one does have a little bit of a rough time at that moment and she has some snot. She's I have snot, I have snot, I have snot. That's what she tells me all the time when she has snot. You help her blow her nose. You use the restroom. Your five year old has disappeared at this point. Like I don't even know where she went. But you know, you're just gonna focus on getting yourself ready first because you have learned in the last couple of weeks that, you know, actually if I only have to focus on one person. Getting one person ready at a time, it's a lot easier. So you focus on yourself first. You brush your teeth. And then you see your five year old pup around the corner. She's got her clothes. You're like, When was the last time this ever happened? Because that's the kid who won't even go over to her room, which happens to be the same room that we're standing in. She doesn't have a door, we live in a we have a loft situation happening over here. She won't even go around the corner of the bathroom wall. Which is in the bedroom. to go get her clothes. She always wants me or her sister to go with her. And she just went and picked out her own clothes and you didn't even tell her to do it. It's kind of surprising. And she's sitting there and she's putting on her clothes. and you're brushing your teeth and you notice like you picked out your clothes, you're getting dressed. You just comment on the fact that that's what she's doing. And then when you finish brushing your teeth, you notice she's gotten dressed and she comes over to the bathroom and she finds her toothbrush and the toothpaste. And then she just brushes her teeth. You're like, when has that ever happened? It's kinda surprising and amazing. Hm. She's getting herself ready. And you haven't told her to get ready at all, whatsoever. Then you go and pick out your clothes and you get dressed. The five year old is already ready. She's now playing with the three year old who is not ready at all. But that's okay. You can get one kid ready. And then you pick out some clothes for her. Actually you said, it's swim day, it's splash day at school today and then the five year old goes and gets the three year old swimming suit. Hmm. She's in a really helpful mood today. You thank her for getting her sister's swimming suit. And then you help the little one put on her swimming suit. And then you tell her it's time to brush her teeth. Mm, cheese creams no. Mmm she wants to use a snot sucker, but she won't let you use the snot sucker. So you really do want to help her get the snot out of her nose. She might be at the beginning of a cold here. So you lay her down and you help her and you get the snot out of her nose and then you brush her teeth real fast. And she cries a little bit, but then you pick her up after you're all done and you tell her that was hard. I know. You're all ready now. Would you like to go downstairs to have breakfast? He says, sure. And we all go downstairs. We walk down the stairs. Everybody does it all by themselves. They're not whining at the top of the stairs, asking you to carry them down the stairs. They're not whining when you have told them that you're already going downstairs and then you're down the stairs and they want you to come back up picket them up. No. We just all go downstairs. They start playing. You're making breakfast. Yep, you still make them waffles because that's still what they want. That's okay. They're being fed. You make your breakfast. It's yummy and tasty. And you know, the key from the podcast you heard for whole parent, the key to everything is tell the kids they need to put on their shoes twenty minutes before you need to leave. Twenty minutes. Yep. So it's seven thirty. I tell those kids it's time to get your shoes on, kid girls. Could you please go pick out your shoes? It's time to get your shoes. You know, they don't exactly get their shoes right away. But because you have twenty minutes, you know that they will eventually get their shoes. And then they get their shoes on before they need to have them on. And because they have their shoes on, you also tell them that it's time to pick out their one thing they can bring, they can bring stuffy to school. They both pick out their stuffy. You take meds, you give them meds, mostly because they're at the beginning of a cold, so let's make sure they have some vitamins in their systems. And you walk out of the door. The little one opens the door. She's not resisting and running away and trying to find eighteen things that she needs to bring with her. She's actually opening the door to leave. And it's just lovely. And you are leaving. By eight AM, which has been your goal. Life changing changed my life. That one piece of information. Give yourself twenty minutes for kids to put on their shoes. Tell kids twenty minutes before they need to leave, they need to start putting on their shoes and getting their jackets. And then leave the house. It's not like put on your shoes and then play. It's put on your shoes and when everybody is ready we walk out the house. They can play outside. If we got to school early, that's great. They could play at school. You just keep going. So Two mornings, all the same things, two completely different emotional states. There are two main things that are different. Did you catch I was very clear on one of them. Twenty minutes to put on your shoes. The other one was the morning snuggle. When your kids first wake up, if you give them some attention, and it doesn't have to be a long attention, but some kind of connection, some kind of hug, lovely greeting, a I'm happy to see you, a kiss, a little snuggle, some kind of connection. It might be physical if your kids like physical connection. Whatever that is, that makes them like yeah. We're here and we just get to be present in this moment. There's not anything we're trying to get done. There's no pressure the moment you wake up to do anything. You get to just exist and be. And I love you. That and putting on your shoes twenty minutes before you need to leave changed everything. And John in his whole Parent Podcast talked about that. Could go listen to that episode. It's I think called morning routine something like that. highly recommend you go listen to it. I don't actually know John. I just follow him. And I really like him. So there you go. So back to school's happening soon. If you are feeling that pressure of being late very often with your kids, or you're like, I don't know how to be on time, I don't know how to have a structured morning, people say have routines and like we have them, but that doesn't matter. Or maybe it matters a little bit, at least they know the what's g gonna happen or the expectation. But it doesn't change the emotional explosions. The feel of the house. Those two things can help. He suggests some other things too, but those have been the two biggest game changers for me. So when your kids wake up, give them connection, snuggle with them, it's also gonna help you. It helps really succytocin and yummy feelings inside your body. Chemicals. 20 minutes for them to put on their shoes. Give them 20 minutes for them to put on the shoes before you need to be walking out the door. Not before you need to be in the car driving away. Before you need to be walking out the door to get into the car. So, you know, give yourself some more time. Whatever, five, ten minutes. I think John gives you the whole structure, how much time to get out the door. And it's game changer. So If you found this helpful, I would really appreciate if you can rate, review, give me specific reviews, send it to a mom or parent who you also know might be struggling with morning time, who might be trying to prepare for going back to school or going to school for the first time if they have a kindergartner, share it. I really appreciate that when you can do that. The sharing the downloading, the reviews, those are the things that really help podcasts grow and spread, especially when you get five star reviews. I think everybody knows that if you listen to podcasts. But I'm just saying it. So I really appreciate it if you could do that. it means a lot to me. All right. Well Mama. Whatever you're going through, whatever morning struggles are happening for you, I just want you to know that you're not alone. Whether you're in the very frustrated, this is happening day after day after day, and what do I do? Space. Know that you're not alone. I've been there too. Or if you're in the new space, like, my goodness, I just found something that is working. That's pretty cool. That's actually where I'm at because this has only been a few days. So we'll see how how it goes if it keeps working. I think it will, but we'll see. And if it stops working, then I'll readjust. I'll see what needs to happen next. And yeah. Thank you so much for listening, for leaving any reviews and rating it, the podcast on whatever platform you listen to this on, for sharing with another mama. And I look forward to making another episode for you all soon.