Latest / Decisions, Decisions / EP 490: Flowers Don’t Fix Cheaters ft. Dr. Stacii Jae Johnson

Transcript

EP 490: Flowers Don’t Fix Cheaters ft. Dr. Stacii Jae Johnson · Decisions, Decisions

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: And what I realized is all that toxicity of who
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: I was to my grandmother and my mom and all
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: of the women in my family, it's not gone.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: That'll forever be there, like forever.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: But what I have now are those tools that my
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: grandmother and my mom didn't have. I realized when my
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: mother died in my arms at 35.
• 0:21
  Speaker 3: Okay. Yeah.
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: And we had conversations leading up into her death. We'd
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: never talked about how my mother would meet a man
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: and they'd be married maybe forever.
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: Six months later, and he would be living in the house.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: So at 13, there's four police officers standing around me.
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: My mother's in the kitchen.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, why isn't she over here with me,
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: and why is it okay that they're talking to me?
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: As a kid, I know, why is my mother not
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: next to me? And they were taking him out on
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: the gurney, and they asked him if he wants to
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: press charges against me.
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: Decisions, decisions.
• 1:00
  Speaker 3: Hey, guys.
• 1:01
  Speaker 4: Welcome to another episode of This Is Y'all.
• 1:05
  Speaker 3: This Is Y'all.
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: I'm your girl, Mandy V, a.k.a. That Bitch.
• 1:10
  Speaker 3: Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode. My name is Weezy.
• 1:14
  Speaker 3: And if you're watching on our YouTube, you've already seen
• 1:16
  Speaker 3: our guest. She's hot. She's sexy. And she's smart. And
• 1:21
  Speaker 3: she's a real dog.
• 1:22
  Speaker 4: And is, y'all, we are joined today by Dr. Stacey J. Johnson,
• 1:27
  Speaker 4: who is a relationship expert, author, and television personality expert.
• 1:32
  Speaker 3: You do a lot over there. Absolutely.
• 1:33
  Speaker 4: Y'all may have seen her. She is on OWN's new show,
• 1:37
  Speaker 4: Put a Ring on It, but Cheat Hab.
• 1:39
  Speaker 3: Cheat Hab. Cheat Hab.
• 1:41
  Speaker 4: And she specializes in helping women break unhealthy relationship patterns,
• 1:45
  Speaker 4: build emotional safety, which we'll get into, and get clear
• 1:48
  Speaker 4: about what they actually want in lure.
• 1:51
  Speaker 3: Yes. How are you doing, girl?
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: I'm amazing.
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: First of all, this set, your setup is so sexy
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: and it's so fly.
• 1:58
  Speaker 3: Thank you.
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: They are just as beautiful in person as they are
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: on screen. Like, literally. No, because sometimes you see people
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: and it's just not the same. And listen, I ain't
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: even told you.
• 2:07
  Speaker 3: I've actually been staring at your makeup like, did she
• 2:08
  Speaker 3: do it? Did she do it?
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: No, I didn't do a check.
• 2:10
  Speaker 4: Listen, and I actually have been doing this Korean skincare.
• 2:15
  Speaker 4: So if you're watching on YouTube and my forehead looks shiny, babe,
• 2:18
  Speaker 4: this is no makeup.
• 2:20
  Speaker 3: Skin is everything.
• 2:22
  Speaker 4: And when I tell you, in my 20s, as a teenager,
• 2:26
  Speaker 4: skin was so hard.
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: And so I used to get facials. And when I
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: say facials, I mean cum. Just cum on my face.
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: Because I thought cum would help. I'm sorry, you're kidding.
• 2:38
  Speaker 4: That's what I used to think. And now it's, no,
• 2:41
  Speaker 4: it's Korean skincare. It's not actually cum.
• 2:44
  Speaker 3: Cum. Yeah, cum. Uh-huh. Okay.
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I used to be like, put it on my face.
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: It's going to clear up this acne.
• 2:49
  Speaker 3: And it didn't.
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: But now I realize you just need money and Korean products.
• 2:54
  Speaker 3: Period. I mean, they have salmon sperm, so. No, they do.
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: They do have what?
• 2:58
  Speaker 3: PDRM apparently is like. Salmon sperm facials? Have you heard
• 3:01
  Speaker 3: of it?
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: No.
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: No.
• 3:02
  Speaker 3: It's very, very like, it's a phenomenon. And snails cum, right?
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: Or are they just snails?
• 3:06
  Speaker 3: Salmon. No, but there's.
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: There's snail semen.
• 3:09
  Speaker 3: Too, right? I think it's a secretion, but I don't
• 3:12
  Speaker 3: know if it's semen.
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: So snail pussy juices and salmon sperm, they're injecting.
• 3:17
  Speaker 3: No, no, no, this is real.
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: No, this is real.
• 3:20
  Speaker 3: Well, you know what? Doctor, you're here today. See, I'll
• 3:23
  Speaker 3: tell you all kinds of science, okay?
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: I'll play you all the other types of fun.
• 3:28
  Speaker 3: Tell us a little bit about how does somebody figure
• 3:31
  Speaker 3: out what type of doctor they're about to be and
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: for what? Because I'm assuming it's in the form of therapy.
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: Well, no, no, no. So I have a master's degree
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: in marriage and family therapy. Right. So I went to Spelman.
• 3:41
  Speaker 3: Hello. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Hello.
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: I have friends that went to Spelman and graduated.
• 3:45
  Speaker 3: Spelman.
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: I'm actually a silver sister. But anyway, that's a whole day.
• 3:49
  Speaker 3: OK.
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: This 20 year club. So anyway.
• 3:51
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: But I have a master's degree in marriage and family
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: therapy and I have an LHD, not a PhD. An
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: LHD is an honorary doctorate in humanitarianism, which for me
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: is my most prized possession. And the reason why is
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: because it was given to me for the work I've
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: done all around the world in the industry that I'm
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: in rather than.
• 4:12
  Speaker 3: Not.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: You see what I'm saying? What I know is I'm
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: a smart girl. I could absolutely pass a test. But
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: for me, what means most with what I do is
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: saving lives. And we'll get more into that later and
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: really helping women with the information they need to build
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: a legacy of love that does not have them end
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: up in a position that I was at 13.
• 4:32
  Speaker 3: Was women like your main focus when you were thinking
• 4:35
  Speaker 3: about marriage family therapy?
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: Because of some situations that happened to me when I
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: was younger. I don't know if I want to... Oh, gosh, y'all, really?
• 4:44
  Speaker 3: We can start there.
• 4:46
  Speaker 4: And I want to help you get through this story
• 4:50
  Speaker 4: because I think for.
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: And again, you know, I relate. So I can share
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: my part of it, too.
• 4:56
  Speaker 4: But knowing that your upbringing is what led you to
• 5:00
  Speaker 4: even your career, so many people don't know how to
• 5:02
  Speaker 4: draw those parallels, right?
• 5:04
  Speaker 3: Yeah. And so.
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: Can we start there with why you wanted to get
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: into family therapy?
• 5:09
  Speaker 3: Ooh, I don't want you to mess this makeup up.
• 5:10
  Speaker 3: I see you getting so emotional already. No, no, no.
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: It's okay. I thought I was going to do the
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: fun stuff first.
• 5:20
  Speaker 3: We'll have all the fun later. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 5:22
  Speaker 4: And so we'll lighten up your spirit after we get to...
• 5:25
  Speaker 4: And trigger warning for anyone where we're talking about an
• 5:29
  Speaker 4: experience that you had as a child.
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: So I was... My mother.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: My mother married five times. And my mother married for love.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: And my grandmother married for money. And the reason why
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: my mother married for love so many times is she
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: saw my grandmother just.
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: Did you all ever see that movie Harlem Nights?
• 5:48
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: My grandmother, people say, was the Della Reese.
• 5:51
  Speaker 3: Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: So you have this little girl, my mother, growing up
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: in this area in her life where... She said, I
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: don't want to be anything like my mom. So she
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: married for love.
• 6:02
  Speaker 4: It's funny because that is a generational thing that we're
• 6:05
  Speaker 4: seeing now. Because how women were able to show up
• 6:09
  Speaker 4: in relationships is also shifting.
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: Exactly. So your mom said, I don't care what he does.
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: I don't care if he has money. I'm not that person.
• 6:17
  Speaker 3: Just love. Okay.
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: So my mother was married five times.
• 6:20
  Speaker 3: She passed away at 56.
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: Wow.
• 6:21
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: But my mother also, with choosing men, she didn't choose
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: outside of money.
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: She didn't choose character. She didn't choose good people.
• 6:32
  Speaker 3: Feeling. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: And she endured a lot of domestic abuse from my
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: father's dad.
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: And at 13, when... Oh, God.
• 6:44
  Speaker 3: I'm sorry. It's okay.
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: No, it's okay.
• 6:49
  Speaker 3: Oh, wow. Okay. So.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: At 13, I was in my room, and I was
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: on the phone with my grandmother because I heard them fighting.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: And I knew when they started fighting what was going
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: to happen. Up until then, I always stayed in my room.
• 7:05
  Speaker 3: Always.
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: This day, because I was a latchkey kid, I knew
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: where my mom's gun was.
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: So I got the gun. It was next to the bed,
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: and I shot my stepfather.
• 7:17
  Speaker 3: There it is. He said it. And see? You're there. Mm-hmm.
• 7:22
  Speaker 4: What what did that how did that impact your relationship
• 7:26
  Speaker 4: with your mom?
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: Because first of all, she was experiencing it was the
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: first time that my heart was broken because she sat
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: in the kitchen and was crying and while police officers
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: were standing around me.
• 7:41
  Speaker 3: Wow.
• 7:42
  Speaker 4: And so even though she was enduring that abuse. that
• 7:45
  Speaker 4: is still, she still had love for these partners that.
• 7:48
  Speaker 3: Were doing it.
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: For her, that's what love was. That was, it just
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: came with, say that again?
• 7:53
  Speaker 3: Toxicity.
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: It was toxicity.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, for her, it didn't matter. My mother was just
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: focused on, I don't care what he does.
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: That was the whole thing. I don't care what he does.
• 8:00
  Speaker 3: I don't care. I love him.
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: He loves me. We're married.
• 8:04
  Speaker 4: How did she make her love for these men in
• 8:06
  Speaker 4: these marriages seem healthier, better than the ones that she
• 8:10
  Speaker 4: witnessed from her mom?
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: Or your grandmother? For my mother, literally, she was fighting. Like,
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: even she died in my arms.
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: She said no matter what, she wanted to show my
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: brother and I that love can work. Not emotional safety.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: Not healthy romantic love. So that was her focus because
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: my grandmother, my grandmother would, I mean, again, I use
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: that that parallel with Della Reese because my grandmother literally
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: she would take her gun up to a man's job.
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: Like there was this one guy, she's passed away. And
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: he worked at there's a story they told me at
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: the post office. And she say, where's my fucking money?
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: That was my grandma.
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, she would. But my grandmother was bad, honey. She
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: was beautiful. Where'd your family grow up? Her waistline was
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: this big. I grew up in Memphis. I'm from Orange Manor.
• 8:56
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we had a gambling house. You know, all the things. Like,
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: I've seen some crazy stuff in my life.
• 9:02
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: I always tell people, don't let the Spelman fool you.
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: I'm from Orange Manor. I got pimps in my family.
• 9:07
  Speaker 4: I'm curious then, between your grandmother and your mom, this
• 9:10
  Speaker 4: word love being so crazy. And we talked about this, ironically,
• 9:14
  Speaker 4: just on Patreon. Did you feel like you knew what
• 9:17
  Speaker 4: then love was? How did they define what love was
• 9:20
  Speaker 4: to you?
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: Well, my grandmother was love was money. Love was provision.
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it was provision. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She didn't care
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: if you were married, single, whatever. Love was money. You
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: see what I'm saying?
• 9:33
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: My mother, love was pain, obviously.
• 9:38
  Speaker 3: Oh.
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: You know, because she endured so much pain. There was
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: my mother's fifth husband before she died. And they were
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: getting a divorce. He cut up all her mink coats.
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: Why?
• 9:50
  Speaker 3: What the fuck is wrong with these men? Yeah. Can
• 9:53
  Speaker 3: I ask you, because I feel like our listeners are curious. See,
• 9:56
  Speaker 3: you did great.
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: You did great.
• 9:58
  Speaker 3: I am, too.
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: I just said, get it.
• 10:00
  Speaker 3: Guilty to go back to it. But I think a
• 10:02
  Speaker 3: lot of women that are listening, I can't name many
• 10:07
  Speaker 3: women in my life that haven't gone through abusive situations,
• 10:10
  Speaker 3: which is how we know how frequent it happens. What
• 10:14
  Speaker 3: happened to you as a kid?
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: So at 13, just imagine I was sitting on the
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: couch and the police are standing out.
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: I'm one little girl.
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: There's four police officers standing around me. My mother's in
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: the kitchen. And I'm like, why isn't she over here
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: with me? And why is it OK that they're talking
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: to me? As a kid, I know, why is my
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: mother not next to me? And they were taking him
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: out on the gurney and they asked him if he
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: if he wants to press charges against me.
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: So he didn't die? No, he didn't die. Okay. Oh,
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: my God, no. Okay.
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: No, no, no, he didn't die. He didn't die. No, no, no.
• 10:49
  Speaker 3: Okay, I think your reaction made me think.
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I thought he was dead. No, no, no, but
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: for me, no, but for me. Where'd you shoot him,
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: in the dick? No, my mind said shoot him in
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: his chest.
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: But I can tell you the voice of God said
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: shoot him below in his leg.
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: Okay, so you didn't shoot to kill.
• 11:07
  Speaker 3: Did he say yes? No, no, no.
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: Let me be clear.
• 11:09
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: I wanted to kill that man.
• 11:12
  Speaker 3: Okay. Okay.
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: But he didn't die, and this man chose not to
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: press charges?
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: He didn't press charges, but it was worse. He was
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: back in the house right after the hospital.
• 11:21
  Speaker 3: No. So how long were they together following his return? Oh, wow.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: Until I was, until, shucks. I went to Spelman. Right
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: before I went to Spelman, I was 18. He came
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: back and lived with you?
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah, which to me, yeah.
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: Right. Wow.
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: Was worse. I believe that.
• 11:44
  Speaker 3: It's like because now you've got to experience this.
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: Then now I'm experiencing the same thing happening to my mom.
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: Over and over and over and over again.
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: Even after all of that, it's not a lesson to adults.
• 11:57
  Speaker 3: It's crazy.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: This is the thing I've learned now that if you
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: don't have the tools to understand how to.
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: How love is not... Love is not it.
• 12:11
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: Money is not it. So remember.
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: My grandmother married for money. My mother married for love.
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: So I'm a little kid in the middle. No extreme works.
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: Not no extreme work. So that's why when these girls
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: be like, he got to have this. I'm like, well, no,
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: my grandmother did that. Right.
• 12:25
  Speaker 3: That didn't work.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: And he got to have this. Oh, he has to
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: love me. No, that really doesn't work. So where is
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: the middle? So that's honestly what I had to develop
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: within myself.
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: Where is the middle? Because money, the extremes of either
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: don't work.
• 12:39
  Speaker 3: What is the middle? Yeah.
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: Well, to me, the middle is emotional safety. And what
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: does that entail? And I would love to know, too,
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: a little bit.
• 12:47
  Speaker 4: Of how you bring your school information to also your
• 12:51
  Speaker 4: personal life and navigating that with dating. Because growing up
• 12:55
  Speaker 4: seeing domestic violence, growing up seeing a grandmother date for money, how.
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: Did you navigate dating?
• 13:03
  Speaker 4: Because in the opposite side of your experience, I, too...
• 13:09
  Speaker 4: date in the way that I don't want to for
• 13:12
  Speaker 4: my mom. My mom dates differently than her mom. So
• 13:16
  Speaker 4: kind of very similar and parallel. My grandmother stayed with
• 13:20
  Speaker 4: an abusive PDF, stepfather of my mom, but stayed with
• 13:24
  Speaker 4: him because she didn't work and she was a housewife.
• 13:28
  Speaker 4: So my mom emancipated herself, left the house early. And
• 13:33
  Speaker 4: because it was such an abusive, tumultuous thing, she also
• 13:36
  Speaker 4: felt like Her mom chose the man over her.
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: That's because I have nowhere to go. It's the 60s, 70s.
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: I have to stay here. So my mom leaves.
• 13:47
  Speaker 4: All I witnessed my mom do in dating is choose men.
• 13:50
  Speaker 4: My dad was abusive to her.
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: And so after... she left my dad.
• 13:56
  Speaker 4: She literally dated men that I felt like were children
• 13:59
  Speaker 4: and needed to be taken care of. Who constantly cheated
• 14:02
  Speaker 4: and disrespected her while they lived under her roof. So
• 14:05
  Speaker 4: for me, now going to your grandma, I always was like,
• 14:10
  Speaker 4: if I'm going to be cheated on, if I'm going
• 14:12
  Speaker 4: to be disrespected, you better have that money. You better
• 14:14
  Speaker 4: have that goddamn money and coin. And also now getting
• 14:18
  Speaker 4: into a place where I have my own now, now
• 14:22
  Speaker 4: I'm dating for character. But it's, Having that conversation with you,
• 14:26
  Speaker 4: speaking to my friends who are also now mothers, it's
• 14:30
  Speaker 4: really interesting. How we're dating based on what we don't want,
• 14:37
  Speaker 4: not knowing what we do want.
• 14:38
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: Because we don't see it.
• 14:40
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: And that's what happened to my mother.
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: She based all of her dating on what I didn't want,
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: which is, oh, it's not about the money. I'm just
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: going to go for love. No, wait, that doesn't work.
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: So for me, I said no man will raise their
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: voice at me. I was a stickler for it. If
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: this person raised their voice at me, I'm done.
• 15:00
  Speaker 4: So you decided to date with, you said, I'm just
• 15:03
  Speaker 4: going to go into dating with boundaries.
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: And once they cross them, I'm leaving. That was the boundary. Okay.
• 15:10
  Speaker 3: That was the only boundary I knew. That's the only boundary?
• 15:13
  Speaker 3: That's the only one I knew.
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: You see, because for my grandmother, and I also said, well, well,
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: my grandmother still, although, you know, we go out to
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: nice restaurants.
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: She buys me Neiman Marcus. She's still marrying a, she's
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: dating a married man.
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying? So for me, I was like, okay,
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to do that. But my grandmother, I
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: did see have more things. She got new Cadillacs every
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: two years.
• 15:36
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying? She wore diamond rings on
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: every finger, you know.
• 15:40
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: So she was taken care of. So for me, I said,
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: you're not going to raise your voice. But then I
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: didn't understand or I didn't know emotional abuse.
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: You see what I'm saying? Because my mother, she would
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: just get her ass kicked. Domestic abuse.
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: My grandmother was just about money. But no one told
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: me about emotions. Somebody playing with your head.
• 16:01
  Speaker 3: You know, that is the number one thing I think
• 16:04
  Speaker 3: I've seen in my 30s with girlfriends. In my 20s,
• 16:08
  Speaker 3: it was kind of like guys talking to you bad
• 16:12
  Speaker 3: or maybe they wasn't, you know, being a good enough,
• 16:14
  Speaker 3: a stand-up gentleman, right? So you had to learn to
• 16:18
  Speaker 3: have some boundaries around taking me on nice dates, not
• 16:20
  Speaker 3: being pushy with sex, et cetera. And in my 30s, today,
• 16:23
  Speaker 3: I have so many women in my life that... I've
• 16:27
  Speaker 3: not been hit by their partners. I've not been cursed
• 16:29
  Speaker 3: out by their partners, but I talk to like a
• 16:32
  Speaker 3: fucking dog. Yeah. It's like this thing of who are
• 16:36
  Speaker 3: you without me? Yeah. Making you feel worthless. Literally.
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: You can't live without me. What are you doing?
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: I had this one man tell me, oh, good luck.
• 16:45
  Speaker 3: Good luck. Just in life.
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: Just like good luck. Like, like try to do it
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: without me.
• 16:50
  Speaker 3: And this is exactly why women are scared to be alone. Yeah.
• 16:53
  Speaker 3: It's not necessarily even... Of course, society makes us feel
• 16:56
  Speaker 3: that way, but these men make you feel like nobody's
• 16:58
  Speaker 3: going to want you. Yeah. I'm friends with a lot
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: of hoes. I'm friends with women with children, with multiple
• 17:04
  Speaker 3: baby daddies. They're never lonely.
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 17:08
  Speaker 3: It is not that hard to find a man. And
• 17:11
  Speaker 3: on top of that, I'm sure you're thinking a good
• 17:12
  Speaker 3: man or a man that'll stay around. I mean... You
• 17:15
  Speaker 3: can read No Holds Barred. I'm engaged. You can see
• 17:18
  Speaker 3: all my dirt in that book. I really do not
• 17:20
  Speaker 3: think that the idea that men try to put on us,
• 17:23
  Speaker 3: and women too, online, saying you shouldn't be doing X, Y, Z,
• 17:26
  Speaker 3: or da-da-da-da, nothing will make you feel more... It's the
• 17:29
  Speaker 3: feeling that a man has given you that you can't
• 17:31
  Speaker 3: have someone else. Absolutely.
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: And I refuse to believe... And that's the part that
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: they play with your head.
• 17:36
  Speaker 3: Yes. I refuse to believe anybody that had ever talked
• 17:39
  Speaker 3: to me nasty in my life, made me feel low,
• 17:41
  Speaker 3: would have been someone I could move forward with. Because...
• 17:45
  Speaker 3: What I've experienced in that same realm of emotional abuse
• 17:49
  Speaker 3: really was the things that I thought were the greatest
• 17:51
  Speaker 3: things about me. My exploration in sex, my willingness to
• 17:56
  Speaker 3: want to teach, or me being so extroverted or outgoing
• 17:59
  Speaker 3: enough to invite that energy in. It's no coincidence that
• 18:05
  Speaker 3: I ended up being a podcaster that talks about this.
• 18:07
  Speaker 3: But all those little things, men would try to make
• 18:10
  Speaker 3: me feel like something was wrong with me. And that emotional,
• 18:12
  Speaker 3: and you're really, obviously, someone that wanted children and getting married,
• 18:15
  Speaker 3: you're making me feel like, oh, yeah, he's right. Nobody's
• 18:19
  Speaker 3: going to like this. People won't accept this. It's absolutely
• 18:21
  Speaker 3: not true.
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: And it was honestly because of your wanting to explore,
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: wanting to get outside the box, just see what life
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: had to offer, was like you said, the thing that
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: got you where you are. What happened to me was
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: people would tell me, men specifically, Would, of course, because
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: I did have a little bit of my grandmother in me. Like,
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to date you if you can't help take.
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: Care of me.
• 18:45
  Speaker 3: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I see a ring. Oh, yeah.
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: Oh, I'm engaged.
• 18:48
  Speaker 3: You're engaged. Congrats. Yeah, we get married in December.
• 18:51
  Speaker 4: I can't wait to get to where that came from
• 18:55
  Speaker 4: and how you knew this was the person, you were safe.
• 18:58
  Speaker 4: Because I assume dating early and even in college was
• 19:03
  Speaker 4: difficult for you.
• 19:03
  Speaker 3: Oh, absolutely.
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: Absolutely. Are you kidding me? I went to Spelman. Morehouse
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: was right across.
• 19:07
  Speaker 3: Oh, I know. I know the Morehouse. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: So for me, I went. First of all, I thought
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: I was getting away for college, but I didn't. My
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: mother ended up moving here.
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: But when I went to Spelman, the first thing I
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: said is, I'm not going to concentrate on guys.
• 19:23
  Speaker 3: But.
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: I did concentrate on guys.
• 19:26
  Speaker 3: Well, I mean, when we see how you look, they
• 19:28
  Speaker 3: were concentrating on you too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did.
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: And the problem with that is when you leave an
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: environment that you still don't know how to date, you
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: still don't know who you are, and your comfort is
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: in men, what happens?
• 19:42
  Speaker 3: A lot.
• 19:43
  Speaker 4: A lot. you had the knowledge you have today back
• 19:51
  Speaker 4: in your 20s, what would be three things that you
• 19:54
  Speaker 4: would have absolutely done differently within dating and sex?
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: And I'd love to add ours too.
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: I would say that for one, I would meet a
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: guy and after three or four dates, we go together.
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: I would not.
• 20:08
  Speaker 3: No, no, no. A lot of people still date like that. No, no, no.
• 20:10
  Speaker 3: But that is wrong. Are you kidding?
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: After three or four dates, we go together?
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: I was a kid doing that.
• 20:17
  Speaker 3: Hell no.
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: That is a very young way of thinking. Three or
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: four dates and you go together?
• 20:21
  Speaker 3: Girl, who is he? Who is he? Who is he?
• 20:24
  Speaker 3: I ain't gonna lie, I'm engaged right now, but I
• 20:26
  Speaker 3: was doing this thing. That's what I'm saying.
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: A lot of women date like that. I didn't say it.
• 20:30
  Speaker 3: I didn't say it out loud.
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: You said it on the mic.
• 20:33
  Speaker 3: Girl, I'm trying to find a text message. We go together.
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: Three or four dates.
• 20:37
  Speaker 3: I'm trying to find a text message for my wedding
• 20:39
  Speaker 3: invitations where I wrote one of my homegirls and said,
• 20:42
  Speaker 3: so I went on a date with my husband tonight.
• 20:44
  Speaker 3: And she was like, LOL, what the fuck? I was like, no,
• 20:46
  Speaker 3: he's gonna be my husband. I wrote it. But that's
• 20:49
  Speaker 3: the thing.
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: I don't want him to hear this. I think I
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: said that 10.
• 20:52
  Speaker 3: At the time. No! Okay, but.
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: You just got it right that time.
• 20:56
  Speaker 3: Wait a second. Three or four dates? Three or four dates.
• 20:58
  Speaker 4: Were you also saying we go together because sex also
• 21:01
  Speaker 4: happened within three to four dates?
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: No. No, no, no.
• 21:04
  Speaker 3: Hold on.
• 21:05
  Speaker 2: Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on, no, no, no, no.
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: Let me tell you, but I was 18.
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: I grew into that because I was like that until
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: I was late 20s, early 30s.
• 21:15
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: We go together, right? No, I'm serious. Three or four days,
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: we go together. So that was the first thing.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: The second thing is I was toxic as hell because, again,
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: I got my grandmother in me.
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: I could say MF like nobody else. I would cuss people.
• 21:30
  Speaker 3: Like, don't. Uh-uh, don't do that. Not beauty and black.
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: Having the mouth of a sailor is not a bad trait.
• 21:35
  Speaker 3: No, no, no.
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: What I'm saying is, but I'm cussing you out for
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: dumb shit. Do you see what I'm saying? Like, no,
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: I would cuss men out. I got a mouth. I
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: got a very nasty mouth.
• 21:45
  Speaker 4: Let me tell you, I didn't want to turn this into,
• 21:48
  Speaker 4: oh my God, Mandy hates women. But as we were
• 21:52
  Speaker 4: talking about verbal abuse and the way that men are
• 21:55
  Speaker 4: talking to women now, My friends, all of them, the way.
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: That they talk to men, terrible. And I'm like, and
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: I don't know if this is a thing.
• 22:07
  Speaker 4: That men even get on podcast mics and talk about
• 22:09
  Speaker 4: because they're also.
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: Red pill and, you know, not really deep.
• 22:12
  Speaker 4: But the way that also women navigate speaking down on partners,
• 22:17
  Speaker 4: I wonder if that is that back and forth and
• 22:20
  Speaker 4: why we all can say that men talk down on us.
• 22:24
  Speaker 4: We don't acknowledge how nasty women's mouths are. I done
• 22:27
  Speaker 4: heard things that I don't understand.
• 22:30
  Speaker 3: Say it, say it.
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: I would make a man feel bad about being a man.
• 22:33
  Speaker 3: Are you kidding me?
• 22:34
  Speaker 2: No, no, no, no. Back in the day?
• 22:35
  Speaker 4: And let me tell you, I got a homegirl. And
• 22:38
  Speaker 4: by the way, you from Tennessee?
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm from Memphis, Orange Mouth. The O and the M, baby.
• 22:46
  Speaker 3: No mouth is worse than a Florida bitch. Okay, y'all
• 22:48
  Speaker 3: see how we read now. She threw up them things
• 22:50
  Speaker 3: just now.
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: O and baby. Let me ask you this then. Because
• 22:55
  Speaker 2: women think it's fine.
• 22:56
  Speaker 3: Mm-hmm.
• 22:57
  Speaker 4: There's not a lot of accountability that women have on
• 22:59
  Speaker 4: how nasty they talk to the people that they allegedly love, right?
• 23:04
  Speaker 3: Mm-hmm.
• 23:05
  Speaker 2: How did you get out of speaking so nasty to men?
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: And I'm curious, too. You said you talked them so bad.
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: I would make a man feel so bad about himself.
• 23:15
  Speaker 2: I was.
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: That's the part of Mabel, to my grandmother, Mabel. I
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: would make him feel horrible. Your eyes used to see him.
• 23:22
  Speaker 3: Mm-hmm.
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: It could come out now, but I'm not going to
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: let it. Stay back there.
• 23:26
  Speaker 3: I would love to hear that. No, no. I've heard
• 23:28
  Speaker 3: my friends say that. Hey, I thought you were going
• 23:30
  Speaker 3: to say it. Oh, no, no, no.
• 23:32
  Speaker 4: When I say nasty, like, it's that. It's words that
• 23:36
  Speaker 4: I've never... To me, it reminds me of that Kendrick
• 23:39
  Speaker 4: Lamar record where.
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: And it's with him, and I.
• 23:42
  Speaker 4: Think the girl's name is Paige or something like that.
• 23:45
  Speaker 4: Him and her just yelling and saying the most foul
• 23:47
  Speaker 4: things about family members, about.
• 23:51
  Speaker 3: The dick, about the money, about anything that they share.
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: Anything that they share that I could use against them,
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: which later made me understand why I was attracting men
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: who would emotionally abuse me. Because I was emotionally abusive.
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: You see what I'm saying? Literally, my life is a circle.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: If you listen, everything.
• 24:10
  Speaker 3: Everything. I knew.
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: So I started that when I was, you said, Spelman.
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: I was 18, very young. And I would make them
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: boys feel like shit. But then I would attract that
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: right back to me. And that's why you could never
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: hit me. You could never raise your hand to me.
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: But I can tell you this, I was emotionally abused.
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: That was the worst part.
• 24:31
  Speaker 3: Chaotic energy really finds itself all the way back around. Yeah.
• 24:34
  Speaker 3: And you know who's a testimony of it? Who? I
• 24:36
  Speaker 3: hate to bring them up. Oh. Chris Sean and Blueface.
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: Oh, yeah.
• 24:39
  Speaker 3: The fact that there was a video of them getting
• 24:41
  Speaker 3: pulled over. They're getting pulled over in the car, right?
• 24:44
  Speaker 3: While the new girlfriend's having a baby in a hospital.
• 24:48
  Speaker 3: And there's cops running the car. And I saw this
• 24:50
  Speaker 3: comment that said, like, what a show from the universe
• 24:54
  Speaker 3: to stop. like it already y'all already like left each
• 24:58
  Speaker 3: other once literally showing you you keep this up I'm
• 25:01
  Speaker 3: gonna keep bringing chaos into your life but that's us.
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: That is that would have been me I mean I
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: don't know if I would have been as far as
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: that but that would have been no because I was
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: that girl what was the.
• 25:12
  Speaker 4: Turning point to be like I can't keep speaking to
• 25:14
  Speaker 4: men this way because we look at Domestic abuse, a
• 25:18
  Speaker 4: lot of the times physical, right? Or we address that
• 25:22
  Speaker 4: men talk down on us. But at what point did
• 25:24
  Speaker 4: you realize that you were an abuser in this relationship
• 25:29
  Speaker 4: and that you couldn't maintain any healthy relationship if you
• 25:32
  Speaker 4: were going to keep talking to your partners this way?
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: I realized when my mother died in my arms at 35.
• 25:36
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: And we had conversations leading up into her death because
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: we'd never talked about how my mother would meet a
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: man and they'd be married maybe six months later, you know,
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: if that. And he would be living in the house.
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: And then, you know, just the cycle over five years.
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: So not until then did I have conversations. What was
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: that about? And then I didn't even look at myself.
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: To think I was a problem. Until then. Yeah, no, no.
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: This is real shit. I wasn't the problem. By 35,
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: I had a movie. I was in a movie, Thin
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: Line Between Love and Hate. I played Peaches. I was
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: in How to Be a Player. I was the dominatrix
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: in that. So I was a successful actress. ER, Fresh Prince, Martin.
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: So for me, I was beautiful.
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: I had money. I graduated from Spelman. You thought you
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: were such a catch that nothing was wrong with you. No, nothing.
• 26:32
  Speaker 3: Nothing. Nothing. I was smart.
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: Absolutely nothing and not until we had that conversation my
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: mom and I did I realize I was the problem.
• 26:41
  Speaker 4: Wow I want to add it's funny I broke up
• 26:45
  Speaker 4: with an ex we were together for three years and
• 26:48
  Speaker 4: the two years after that was very emotional for me
• 26:51
  Speaker 4: he was my first love my first like real relationship
• 26:54
  Speaker 4: and all that and what's crazy is I thought the
• 26:57
  Speaker 4: same so in therapy as we're talking about how long
• 27:00
  Speaker 4: ago was that then three two years ago okay two years.
• 27:02
  Speaker 3: Ago um.
• 27:05
  Speaker 4: During therapy and during the writing of our book is
• 27:08
  Speaker 4: when I started having conversations around. I was like, I
• 27:13
  Speaker 4: just don't understand. And my male friends didn't help. They
• 27:16
  Speaker 4: were like, man, he had it made.
• 27:18
  Speaker 3: He got to fuck other bitches. You paid your own bills. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 27:21
  Speaker 4: And for me, that's how I viewed myself in that relationship.
• 27:24
  Speaker 4: I said, I was the perfect girlfriend.
• 27:27
  Speaker 3: I cooked. We had sex. We traveled. I was.
• 27:32
  Speaker 2: I thought that I was perfect.
• 27:33
  Speaker 4: And when that relationship ended, I realized that my capacity
• 27:39
  Speaker 4: to actually listen to him and his needs wasn't there. Because, like,
• 27:42
  Speaker 4: I'm going to go out with my friends and you
• 27:43
  Speaker 4: can join me. He couldn't tell me anything about me.
• 27:47
  Speaker 4: He needed to feel needed. I thought that me needing him...
• 27:51
  Speaker 4: made my power disappear because I used to need men
• 27:54
  Speaker 4: in my 20s. And so him even using that word,
• 27:57
  Speaker 4: I just wasn't listening to him. And so during those
• 28:00
  Speaker 4: two years, I was like, whoa, there's so many ways
• 28:02
  Speaker 4: I actually wasn't the best partner I could have been.
• 28:05
  Speaker 4: And here I go on surface like you thinking because
• 28:08
  Speaker 4: I paid my own bills.
• 28:09
  Speaker 2: Oh, I'm not a gold digger because I let him
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: fuck other bitches. Oh, I'm not insecure.
• 28:14
  Speaker 4: Oh, I had an inflated view of how I was
• 28:17
  Speaker 4: showing up as a partner. And because you had all
• 28:20
  Speaker 4: of those accolades and I think women, especially well earning
• 28:24
  Speaker 4: women believe that, okay, well, I'm not using you. I'm
• 28:27
  Speaker 4: perfect without doing the work of, okay, well, as a person,
• 28:31
  Speaker 4: how are you showing up emotionally for this person? Are
• 28:34
  Speaker 4: you listening to this person? So you didn't realize that
• 28:37
  Speaker 4: until your mom. It took therapy for me. Weezy, I'm
• 28:40
  Speaker 4: curious with you now in this relationship compared to Old Bay,
• 28:44
  Speaker 4: if there's any ways in which you realized you weren't,
• 28:48
  Speaker 4: there were things you could have worked on with Old
• 28:50
  Speaker 4: Bay that you now have brought into this now engagement
• 28:54
  Speaker 4: to make you a better partner.
• 28:57
  Speaker 3: My fixes as a partner, it's difficult. I'm dating like
• 29:03
  Speaker 3: a really good man. So that's also, I don't want
• 29:07
  Speaker 3: to just say, like I continued to date a bad guy.
• 29:11
  Speaker 3: I continued to date a man that was lying to
• 29:13
  Speaker 3: me and it brought out the worst in me. Even
• 29:16
  Speaker 3: I cheated back thinking it was going to mean something.
• 29:18
  Speaker 3: Like I was allowing myself to be in a bad
• 29:22
  Speaker 3: relationship or not a bad relationship because we were having
• 29:26
  Speaker 3: fun surface level. My relationship really wasn't that bad. That's
• 29:30
  Speaker 3: why sometimes when I'm talking through it, I'm like, It
• 29:33
  Speaker 3: wasn't like he was abusive or I was crying every day.
• 29:35
  Speaker 3: He would lie. But also I was just like, whatever,
• 29:38
  Speaker 3: like my brain would erase it because we were having
• 29:39
  Speaker 3: a good time. But because I'm dating a great man,
• 29:44
  Speaker 3: it's making me show up in different ways. Like the
• 29:47
  Speaker 3: way that I listen, which you just mentioned, completely different.
• 29:52
  Speaker 3: I also think age plays a part. I met Old
• 29:55
  Speaker 3: Bay at 29, not saying that that's not old enough.
• 29:59
  Speaker 3: But I met this man in my 30s and feeling
• 30:05
  Speaker 3: completely ready to compromise.
• 30:09
  Speaker 2: You never compromise.
• 30:11
  Speaker 3: I think compromise is okay. No, no, no, no. Well,
• 30:13
  Speaker 3: let me elaborate.
• 30:14
  Speaker 2: What's the other word you would use? Collaborate.
• 30:16
  Speaker 3: Sure.
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: Because compromise, I've had clients in 25-year marriages. And they
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: come to me, of course, when the problems are there.
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: It's like, dang, could you have come to me earlier?
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: And what I found is there was this one couple,
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: and I don't want to get too far, but this
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: might help. I had this one couple and he had
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: kept his body together and, you know, good looking guy.
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: He was something in the queues, I think president or
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: something or whatever. And his wife was something in the AKAs,
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: but she had let herself go, like let herself physically go. Okay.
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: And we were in session one day and he said,
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: she said, but I feel like I compromised everything for you.
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: You wanted me there.
• 30:55
  Speaker 3: I was there.
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: I didn't, I didn't travel. I didn't have my own passions.
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: And he said, I never asked you to not do that.
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: And she said, but you said you wanted me there.
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: He said, but you didn't have to go.
• 31:11
  Speaker 2: I wasn't going to.
• 31:12
  Speaker 3: Oh, interesting. I wasn't going to leave.
• 31:14
  Speaker 2: I wasn't going to leave you. So, You see what
• 31:18
  Speaker 2: I'm saying?
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: And she sat there, y'all, and literally, I saw so
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: many years go by her, you know, through her mind
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: because she was like, she kept saying, but you said
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: you wanted me there with you more.
• 31:31
  Speaker 4: A lot of women want to give everything to their
• 31:33
  Speaker 4: partner that they want.
• 31:34
  Speaker 2: Exactly. And that's not the thing. Men are hunters. They
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: have to hunt. They have to hunt.
• 31:39
  Speaker 3: Well, mine ain't that deep, y'all. I was just going
• 31:41
  Speaker 3: to say, I'm a little more flexible when it comes
• 31:43
  Speaker 3: to like, for example.
• 31:46
  Speaker 2: But this is the thing, you're getting married.
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: And the reason I use that 25-year thing is because
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: what is now is just now.
• 31:53
  Speaker 2: But things change. I'm sure you know what I'm saying.
• 31:57
  Speaker 3: I will say this. I don't want to speak on
• 31:59
  Speaker 3: my relationship like there's an issue because there's not. We've
• 32:02
  Speaker 3: done the work. We've done premarital counseling. We've done everything
• 32:04
  Speaker 3: we needed to do with those steps. But I do
• 32:07
  Speaker 3: believe compromise is something I've lacked in marriage. any capacity
• 32:11
  Speaker 3: of my life that now I would shift the word
• 32:14
  Speaker 3: to collaborate. Yes. Collaborate. But, for example, it could even
• 32:19
  Speaker 3: be an hour dynamic with work. Yeah. Something that I
• 32:22
  Speaker 3: maybe never would have done before that now I would do.
• 32:25
  Speaker 3: You know what I mean? Or listening or not being
• 32:28
  Speaker 3: so about self. Yeah. That to me is the biggest
• 32:31
  Speaker 3: thing I've done and I've seen an improvement with me
• 32:35
  Speaker 3: as a person because I had been done so wrong
• 32:39
  Speaker 3: in old relationships. I'd be like, well, if it doesn't
• 32:41
  Speaker 3: go my way, I'm good. I'm done. You know, because
• 32:44
  Speaker 3: I thought that made me strong. Yeah. And I think additionally,
• 32:48
  Speaker 3: one of the biggest things in my relationship that is
• 32:52
  Speaker 3: a telltale sign of health for me, I have not
• 32:57
  Speaker 3: had a story my friends could tell me where they
• 33:00
  Speaker 3: had to pick up pieces from me with this man.
• 33:02
  Speaker 3: Like I was using friends as either my marriage and
• 33:06
  Speaker 3: family relationship counselor as a place to dump and then
• 33:10
  Speaker 3: figuring out what I should do and then reserving that
• 33:12
  Speaker 3: energy and bringing it back to him and my friends.
• 33:14
  Speaker 3: And you know who said you do this? And like,
• 33:16
  Speaker 3: why would you do that? And I'm comparing. I don't
• 33:18
  Speaker 3: have any of that.
• 33:19
  Speaker 2: Wow, that's good.
• 33:20
  Speaker 3: That health, like seeing how good that is. And one
• 33:24
  Speaker 3: other thing that I think it came from when something
• 33:27
  Speaker 3: small happens. fingering it out at home before I take
• 33:30
  Speaker 3: it outside. Something tiny that maybe I could complain about. Like,
• 33:36
  Speaker 3: for example, this to me, one of my friends, I
• 33:39
  Speaker 3: wish I could take it back and never have told her.
• 33:42
  Speaker 3: We all went out with people and I was in
• 33:44
  Speaker 3: a mood and I knew I didn't want to go out.
• 33:47
  Speaker 3: So I left around 1030 and our good friends had
• 33:50
  Speaker 3: came into town. I was like, babe, I'm not in
• 33:51
  Speaker 3: the mood. And he's like, really? So he was about
• 33:53
  Speaker 3: to close his house. I'm like, no, no, you stay
• 33:54
  Speaker 3: with everybody. He's like, are you sure? I'm like, yeah,
• 33:56
  Speaker 3: they're all here, whatever. So anyway, he puts me in
• 33:58
  Speaker 3: the car. I go home. I'm going to bed. The morning,
• 34:01
  Speaker 3: she was like, he let you leave without him? She's like,
• 34:06
  Speaker 3: that's crazy to me. Like, you just let him stay out? Like,
• 34:10
  Speaker 3: he's just out and doesn't go home with his woman? Like,
• 34:13
  Speaker 3: do you realize, like, that's not safe? I was like... Girl,
• 34:16
  Speaker 3: we were in Soho. I'm not like, where do you
• 34:19
  Speaker 3: think I was? I was like, we had five other
• 34:21
  Speaker 3: people there we invited. She's like, that's not what you
• 34:23
  Speaker 3: do in relationships. That means he'll leave you. And she
• 34:26
  Speaker 3: almost started to put that in my mind. A man
• 34:28
  Speaker 3: that doesn't leave with who he came with is X, Y, Z.
• 34:31
  Speaker 2: I'm so happy she didn't. Put that in your mind.
• 34:34
  Speaker 3: Right. But that's the thing, Dot. She almost did. If
• 34:38
  Speaker 3: that was me before... Why did I even mention that?
• 34:41
  Speaker 3: Why did I even like? And I'm just like, oh,
• 34:43
  Speaker 3: I was saying too much. Now she's got this idea
• 34:46
  Speaker 3: or shaping her mind to think something of my man. Oh,
• 34:49
  Speaker 3: he wants to keep going clubbing and be out even
• 34:51
  Speaker 3: when you tired. Whatever she could have made that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 34:54
  Speaker 3: That I think was a big part of my last relationship.
• 34:57
  Speaker 3: Just little things I would let friends put into my
• 35:00
  Speaker 3: head that I don't think I would ever do today.
• 35:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 35:04
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 35:04
  Speaker 2: That's good.
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: You will have a happy, lasting relationship because of that,
• 35:08
  Speaker 1: because of what you just said. Sometimes you do. The
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: brain is made up. So I don't want to get
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: too much into the brain, but neuroplasticity and neurons. So
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: what happens is.
• 35:18
  Speaker 3: Come on, spell me. Huh? I said, come on, spell me. Yeah.
• 35:22
  Speaker 2: What happens as a child? What happens is, you know,
• 35:24
  Speaker 2: your mother tells you.
• 35:25
  Speaker 3: Oh, she ain't hearing you.
• 35:26
  Speaker 1: She don't know what we're saying. No, the brain is
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: a sponge. All of that is going into your brain.
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: So with your friends, because let's just move past childhood,
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: what happens is everything that would remind you of what
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: she said, all of those memories as a child would
• 35:40
  Speaker 1: start coming back.
• 35:41
  Speaker 3: He's going to leave me. Exactly.
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: All of those things, all of the things that you've
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: worked on to work through, all of that, that'll bring
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: that back. And what will happen is you'll probably start
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: doubting what you have. The best thing you can do,
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: I always tell my clients, Talk to me. Why the
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: hell are you still talking to your girlfriends?
• 35:58
  Speaker 3: What they doing?
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: I need y'all to have the Jordan Woods mantra.
• 36:02
  Speaker 3: What was it? That tool to your brain.
• 36:04
  Speaker 2: I don't want that situation.
• 36:06
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 36:07
  Speaker 4: That's what she said with the Khloe and Tristan thing.
• 36:10
  Speaker 2: And now she's married.
• 36:11
  Speaker 4: I think that's the one thing that has been so
• 36:15
  Speaker 4: fulfilling now about me and my friends.
• 36:16
  Speaker 3: When.
• 36:18
  Speaker 4: When we discuss, because we don't ask for advice, or
• 36:20
  Speaker 4: at least they know not to ask me for advice anymore.
• 36:22
  Speaker 4: We all realize that how we seek love, partnership, companionship
• 36:27
  Speaker 4: all looks so goddamn different. I'm into, I mean, clearly
• 36:31
  Speaker 4: more lifestyle, the way that I need looks to matter.
• 36:34
  Speaker 2: The way money isn't as important anymore as it is
• 36:37
  Speaker 2: to them.
• 36:38
  Speaker 4: We all navigate love and relationships and dating so differently
• 36:42
  Speaker 4: now that we all just like, More power to you, girl. Like,
• 36:45
  Speaker 4: I even just told my homegirl, because I keep seeing
• 36:48
  Speaker 4: her goddamn baby daddy out. And I said, bitch, I
• 36:50
  Speaker 4: know you got a co-parent. You got to teach me
• 36:52
  Speaker 4: how to flip this shit on and off. Because you'd
• 36:54
  Speaker 4: invented and complained about him so much to me now. Bitch,
• 36:57
  Speaker 4: I don't even want to say hi when I see him.
• 36:59
  Speaker 4: But bitch, when the birthday party come around and I
• 37:02
  Speaker 4: got to be around, I got.
• 37:04
  Speaker 3: To smile in his face?
• 37:05
  Speaker 2: Do I go to another room?
• 37:06
  Speaker 3: Because... Y'all don't know how to navigate that. I've been
• 37:09
  Speaker 3: wanting tea, but don't be telling me how terrible it is.
• 37:11
  Speaker 2: Well, when shit is public, it's public. But how do
• 37:16
  Speaker 2: you guys do that thing?
• 37:16
  Speaker 3: I mean, to be fair, I.
• 37:18
  Speaker 4: Have now been okay with never having to see or
• 37:24
  Speaker 4: be around any of my friends' partners. So I also
• 37:28
  Speaker 4: had a close friend. We're not friends anymore. But I
• 37:31
  Speaker 4: remember my first witness of verbal abuse.
• 37:36
  Speaker 2: Very next day.
• 37:37
  Speaker 4: Hey, just going to let you know, whenever your man
• 37:39
  Speaker 4: is around, I don't want to be there. So please
• 37:41
  Speaker 4: don't invite me if he's going to be around. Because
• 37:43
  Speaker 4: I'm not there to tell you to leave this man.
• 37:45
  Speaker 4: If that's what love is to you, girl, I ain't
• 37:48
  Speaker 4: hopping in. And isn't that a sign to everybody listening?
• 37:51
  Speaker 4: I'm going through this with a friend right now. We
• 37:53
  Speaker 4: had a friend's housewarming party we were going to go to.
• 37:56
  Speaker 4: And a few days before, She had called me crying
• 37:58
  Speaker 4: about the guy and said he yelled at her and
• 38:00
  Speaker 4: like sent me a voice note. Because her and the
• 38:04
  Speaker 4: girl who were having a housewarming were closer, I said, well,
• 38:08
  Speaker 4: if he's going, I ain't going.
• 38:10
  Speaker 3: And she's like, what? And I was like, bro, I'm
• 38:13
  Speaker 3: not about to sit in front of that man with
• 38:16
  Speaker 3: my man after we at 3 a.m. I'm talking about
• 38:19
  Speaker 3: my partner and I heard you crying like that to
• 38:23
  Speaker 3: be like, oh. are we so lucky Brooklyn is like
• 38:25
  Speaker 3: this right now it was very difficult for me and
• 38:29
  Speaker 3: she called me the next day and she's like I
• 38:31
  Speaker 3: was so angry at him because you wouldn't show up
• 38:36
  Speaker 3: I was so angry at him and I told him
• 38:38
  Speaker 3: he needs to apologize to you and to my man
• 38:41
  Speaker 3: and he needs to apologize for the both of y'all
• 38:44
  Speaker 3: for putting me in that situation I said No, bitch. You.
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: Period.
• 38:49
  Speaker 2: You need to apologize maybe to yourself.
• 38:51
  Speaker 3: Yeah. I said, this has nothing to do with him. Yeah.
• 38:54
  Speaker 2: And me.
• 38:55
  Speaker 3: Yeah. This is you and him. And it was really
• 38:58
  Speaker 3: hard to say that to her. Really hard because it
• 39:02
  Speaker 3: was this moment of accountability.
• 39:04
  Speaker 2: Which women be like.
• 39:05
  Speaker 3: And she really was saying it with conviction. Like, I'm
• 39:09
  Speaker 3: telling you, I'm going to have him apologize because he shouldn't.
• 39:11
  Speaker 3: Y'all don't need to be, you know, up and dealing
• 39:13
  Speaker 3: with our shit. That's ridiculous. And I'm like. But you
• 39:16
  Speaker 3: dial the phone. Hello. You know what I mean? But
• 39:19
  Speaker 3: that place, and I'm curious with your clients, what happens
• 39:23
  Speaker 3: and how often are friends put in the mix?
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: That's why I say I don't think your friends should.
• 39:29
  Speaker 1: First of all, I think. you were triggered and you
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: as well. I do believe, yeah, but I do believe, honestly,
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: at the end of the day, the triggering is more
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: you remembering some things. So it's actually a sign for
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: you to work on something else. I don't know about
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: separating from my friends if they have that they're happy in,
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: no matter how I feel.
• 39:50
  Speaker 3: No, I'll be with my friend. If they're toxic.
• 39:52
  Speaker 2: I'll be with my friend.
• 39:53
  Speaker 3: Okay. Here's the thing, though.
• 39:54
  Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying? Everybody goes through bad stuff.
• 39:56
  Speaker 3: I don't want to be around a guy, though.
• 39:58
  Speaker 4: This is even a thing with my ex, right? Like,
• 40:01
  Speaker 4: we were on and off so much that whenever we
• 40:04
  Speaker 4: broke up, my friends all cut him off, too. And
• 40:08
  Speaker 4: there was this dynamic of, oh, wow, these aren't really
• 40:10
  Speaker 4: my friends. I make it very clear.
• 40:12
  Speaker 3: I'm your friend.
• 40:13
  Speaker 2: I am not your man's friend.
• 40:14
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 40:14
  Speaker 4: And so for me, my friendship is not going to
• 40:18
  Speaker 4: be dictated or nor do I need to feel uncomfortable
• 40:21
  Speaker 4: or feel like someone now has to come around me
• 40:23
  Speaker 4: that I'm not down for or that I know is
• 40:25
  Speaker 4: treating my friend poorly.
• 40:27
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 40:27
  Speaker 2: And now if we really get into triggering and PTSD.
• 40:30
  Speaker 3: Mm-hmm.
• 40:32
  Speaker 4: I've had an ex-friend that put blame on me for
• 40:35
  Speaker 4: the abuse that she endured when I didn't even know
• 40:37
  Speaker 4: she was being abused until after the fact. So now
• 40:40
  Speaker 4: I am completely not involving myself with anyone's apartment.
• 40:51
  Speaker 2: Now, I want to get into cheating.
• 40:54
  Speaker 3: Mm-hmm. Cheat hab. Cheat hab. What is cheat hab? Is
• 40:58
  Speaker 3: that the same? Is it put a ring on it?
• 41:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so my show is called Put a Ring on It,
• 41:01
  Speaker 2: Cheat Hab.
• 41:02
  Speaker 3: Put a Ring on It, Cheat Hab.
• 41:03
  Speaker 2: So it's like rehabilitation for cheaters.
• 41:06
  Speaker 4: So it says the series follows long-term couples whose relationships
• 41:10
  Speaker 4: have been rocked with infidelity.
• 41:11
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 41:11
  Speaker 2: Now, I do want to ask, do all of them
• 41:14
  Speaker 2: have the same issue with infidelity? Well, no. First of all,
• 41:17
  Speaker 2: the men and women cheat on each other.
• 41:19
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 41:20
  Speaker 2: Every couple. So we didn't want to put a show
• 41:22
  Speaker 2: where we villainize either the man or the woman.
• 41:24
  Speaker 3: Great idea.
• 41:25
  Speaker 2: So now, absolutely.
• 41:26
  Speaker 4: Both partners have cheated on each other.
• 41:27
  Speaker 3: Exactly.
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: I don't want to get too far into the series
• 41:29
  Speaker 1: because all the cheating has not been disclosed.
• 41:32
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: But I can tell you the women have cheated emotionally
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: and physically. And the men have cheated.
• 41:37
  Speaker 2: Only really physically.
• 41:38
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 41:39
  Speaker 4: Wait, so none of them have admitted to growing feelings
• 41:44
  Speaker 4: for any of the women they were dealing with? And
• 41:46
  Speaker 4: I say that because I've been a side bitch. I've
• 41:48
  Speaker 4: been a side chick. These men cared about me graduating college.
• 41:52
  Speaker 4: They supported me at live shows.
• 41:54
  Speaker 3: There's no way that Some, yes.
• 41:58
  Speaker 4: But I know some of my relationships with married men
• 42:01
  Speaker 4: or men in relationships that emotions were tied.
• 42:05
  Speaker 3: We're still friends to this day. Actually, one has.
• 42:07
  Speaker 1: My mind just went back to that. And Joshua has
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: been disclosed. There was a five-year relationship with Jessica, the
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: girl on the show, who he said basically, you all
• 42:19
  Speaker 1: had her show up and that's the one I can't shake.
• 42:22
  Speaker 3: Oh, okay.
• 42:22
  Speaker 4: And I say that because the way we even talked
• 42:25
  Speaker 4: about verbal abuse, it's always one side leaning. And for
• 42:29
  Speaker 4: whatever reason, when we talk about men and sex, we
• 42:33
  Speaker 4: believe that they can do it completely emotionally. And so
• 42:35
  Speaker 4: that their cheating is less harsher than a woman because
• 42:39
  Speaker 4: when we cheat, it's all emotion. And so I do
• 42:42
  Speaker 4: want to make sure that when we have this conversation
• 42:44
  Speaker 4: that we also address.
• 42:45
  Speaker 2: That Men do fall.
• 42:48
  Speaker 3: Absolutely.
• 42:48
  Speaker 2: Not only in the pussy, but they fall for the
• 42:51
  Speaker 2: women sometimes.
• 42:52
  Speaker 3: No, he did.
• 42:52
  Speaker 2: Especially if they fuck them more than once.
• 42:53
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 42:54
  Speaker 4: Like, that's why I say, if I'm in an open dynamic,
• 42:58
  Speaker 4: me and my partner have literally talked about it. Like,
• 42:59
  Speaker 4: I don't really want you to fuck a bitch more
• 43:02
  Speaker 4: than twice.
• 43:03
  Speaker 3: More than twice, you like her. And now you're dating her, and.
• 43:05
  Speaker 2: I want to know why you keep going back. Because you,
• 43:07
  Speaker 2: that means you're connected from your head. He knows that,
• 43:11
  Speaker 2: but that's, I'm saying he doesn't have that right now.
• 43:14
  Speaker 3: I don't want that.
• 43:15
  Speaker 2: And if he has somebody that he likes, then I
• 43:18
  Speaker 2: want to know about it. So wait, you can have
• 43:19
  Speaker 2: sex with someone more than two times? Wait, he knows
• 43:21
  Speaker 2: about my other partners. I'm not out here having frivolous sex.
• 43:24
  Speaker 2: He has casual sex.
• 43:26
  Speaker 3: No, I know, but I'm saying if he really started
• 43:29
  Speaker 3: to like.
• 43:29
  Speaker 2: Then I want to know about it. I'm not starting.
• 43:31
  Speaker 3: I'm not... Oh, wait, do you guys have a don't ask,
• 43:33
  Speaker 3: don't tell? Like you don't know about him? No, we don't.
• 43:35
  Speaker 2: He knows about my partners.
• 43:36
  Speaker 3: You don't know about his?
• 43:38
  Speaker 2: I don't need to. And I only want to know
• 43:39
  Speaker 2: if he's seeing someone more than once. Does he know
• 43:43
  Speaker 2: when you see someone more than one?
• 43:44
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 43:45
  Speaker 4: I'm having a dilemma now of having to go out
• 43:48
  Speaker 4: the country for one. And I just don't know how
• 43:50
  Speaker 4: he's going to feel about that.
• 43:50
  Speaker 2: And that's one that you've done? He just found out
• 43:52
  Speaker 2: about that one. And you've been with him before?
• 43:55
  Speaker 3: One time.
• 43:55
  Speaker 2: But it was good. But this would be two times?
• 43:58
  Speaker 2: This would be two times.
• 43:59
  Speaker 3: So you could literally go on this one. Why are
• 44:00
  Speaker 3: you laughing over that, D?
• 44:01
  Speaker 2: You could go on this one because it's more than two, right?
• 44:03
  Speaker 4: Well, that's the other thing. I don't... I'm not really
• 44:06
  Speaker 4: having casual sex.
• 44:07
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 44:08
  Speaker 2: For real, for real. So, like, kind of like how
• 44:10
  Speaker 2: you were, they become partners.
• 44:11
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 44:12
  Speaker 2: But I tell them everything. I share results.
• 44:14
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I only have.
• 44:17
  Speaker 2: Condoms are used.
• 44:18
  Speaker 3: Uh-huh. And so.
• 44:20
  Speaker 4: The conversation is, if you're having the frivolous sex, okay,
• 44:23
  Speaker 4: wrap it up. We both still get tested. But if
• 44:27
  Speaker 4: you start liking someone, I would want to know that.
• 44:29
  Speaker 4: Because then I do feel like when you have emotions tied,
• 44:33
  Speaker 4: it changes things.
• 44:34
  Speaker 2: And he knows, I check in with these guys.
• 44:37
  Speaker 3: We talk.
• 44:38
  Speaker 2: There's more involved than just that.
• 44:40
  Speaker 3: Could you handle your dynamic if it was him?
• 44:46
  Speaker 4: I think we have to wait and see if and
• 44:48
  Speaker 4: when that happens. As of right now, I'm okay with
• 44:50
  Speaker 4: the casual sex.
• 44:51
  Speaker 2: I'm cool with that.
• 44:53
  Speaker 3: Do I care? You know what's crazy? What?
• 44:56
  Speaker 2: I would be fine if it was long distance like me.
• 44:59
  Speaker 4: If I knew he had someone local that could spend
• 45:02
  Speaker 4: more time with him and he could give more time to,
• 45:05
  Speaker 4: I don't know if I would be able to deal
• 45:07
  Speaker 4: with our dynamic the same.
• 45:09
  Speaker 2: I would be cool, though, with him having another long-distance relationship.
• 45:12
  Speaker 1: I think with you, Mandy, it's because anything that is...
• 45:15
  Speaker 1: It's not really in the times.
• 45:16
  Speaker 2: It's in the connection. Yeah.
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: I think for you, that means he's mentally connecting to you.
• 45:22
  Speaker 2: Oh, we've talked about it, too. Even with the threesomes,
• 45:23
  Speaker 2: I don't date.
• 45:24
  Speaker 3: This is honestly what most women are, though. Most women say,
• 45:26
  Speaker 3: if he just has sex with someone and da-da-da-da-da. Like,
• 45:29
  Speaker 3: that's truthfully why women are cool with their man quote-unquote
• 45:33
  Speaker 3: sleeping with someone else. Because they believe it's just sexual.
• 45:36
  Speaker 3: And I think that's really... It's all of us, though. Like,
• 45:41
  Speaker 3: I know I'm in a non-monogamous relationship, too, but we
• 45:43
  Speaker 3: were just having a conversation. I was like, what is worse?
• 45:47
  Speaker 3: Me sleeping with someone else and lying or me and
• 45:51
  Speaker 3: a guy growing closer and me lying? He's like, well,
• 45:53
  Speaker 3: what's closer? I was like, he's sharing me a book
• 45:55
  Speaker 3: to read. Me and him, we're going ham about how
• 45:59
  Speaker 3: much we love S.A. Cosby. That's a good writer I like.
• 46:03
  Speaker 3: I was like, yeah, and we're sharing literature. And I'm
• 46:05
  Speaker 3: looking at him and he's like, both are bad, both
• 46:07
  Speaker 3: are bad. I'm like, no, no, no. Well, what's worse?
• 46:10
  Speaker 3: Me and the guy, I'm like, oh my God, I
• 46:11
  Speaker 3: just finished chapter two.
• 46:12
  Speaker 4: So you asked if it was you having sex and
• 46:16
  Speaker 4: lying about it being worse than growing an emotional connection
• 46:19
  Speaker 4: with someone and lying about it?
• 46:20
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 46:21
  Speaker 2: And what did he say?
• 46:23
  Speaker 3: He really couldn't choose. And he kept saying both are bad.
• 46:26
  Speaker 3: And he's like, I guess the sex, because it's more
• 46:29
  Speaker 3: than just like a text or whatever. He's like, but.
• 46:32
  Speaker 3: You getting that deep, like that shit that we share.
• 46:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 46:35
  Speaker 3: We read books together. We're doing like, he's like, I
• 46:37
  Speaker 3: don't know. Like maybe also because in non-monogamy, sex can
• 46:42
  Speaker 3: feel very whatever. And that's just the truth. Maybe it
• 46:45
  Speaker 3: doesn't for you. But in my relationship, sex can feel
• 46:48
  Speaker 3: like whatever. I mean, we've had sex with people even
• 46:50
  Speaker 3: together and tried to recall the person's name and couldn't.
• 46:54
  Speaker 2: Well, no, that sounds like we've also had. Yeah, I don't.
• 46:56
  Speaker 2: So I'm actually more like I don't I don't like
• 46:59
  Speaker 2: dating even the women we have sex with. We have
• 47:02
  Speaker 2: sex with them and we go. And they don't.
• 47:03
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 47:04
  Speaker 2: And I normally don't revisit the women either.
• 47:06
  Speaker 3: Okay. Okay.
• 47:08
  Speaker 1: What I love about both of you, it sounds like
• 47:09
  Speaker 1: you're very happy with your choices. You know, and to me,
• 47:13
  Speaker 1: even going back to the friendships, all I was saying
• 47:16
  Speaker 1: is as weird as a relationship might look, and it
• 47:20
  Speaker 1: could be because of what I do. I say if
• 47:23
  Speaker 1: they are happy in that, then I could be around
• 47:26
  Speaker 1: their significant other.
• 47:27
  Speaker 2: You see what I'm saying?
• 47:29
  Speaker 1: Because they're happy if they are happy with that. And
• 47:32
  Speaker 1: it goes back, Mandy, to what you just said. What
• 47:34
  Speaker 1: did you just say? You stay out of your friend's business.
• 47:36
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 47:36
  Speaker 2: Because everyone should date different, right?
• 47:39
  Speaker 3: We all do date different. Exactly.
• 47:40
  Speaker 1: So then if their choices are what they are. then
• 47:43
  Speaker 1: their choices are just different than yours. So let me
• 47:45
  Speaker 1: ask you this. We both identify as non-monogamous. You're in
• 47:49
  Speaker 1: this cheat app, and these people not only cheated on
• 47:52
  Speaker 1: each other, have decided to stay.
• 47:54
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 47:54
  Speaker 4: Now, are you seeing that they just don't want to
• 47:58
  Speaker 4: identify as non-monogamous, that they don't want to identify as poly,
• 48:02
  Speaker 4: or do you feel like both of them just lack
• 48:03
  Speaker 4: respect for each other because they cheated?
• 48:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so I think none of that is tied together.
• 48:09
  Speaker 3: Okay. Because.
• 48:11
  Speaker 1: Being non-monogamous is two people having an agreement.
• 48:15
  Speaker 2: And it seems like you all have agreements with your partners.
• 48:18
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 48:18
  Speaker 1: Someone being a lying piece of S is something different.
• 48:22
  Speaker 1: Someone just, you know what I'm saying, just literally cheating
• 48:24
  Speaker 1: on you consistently.
• 48:25
  Speaker 3: I now understand why you are so comfortable with the
• 48:27
  Speaker 3: cum facial. She's like a lying piece of S. Mandy
• 48:31
  Speaker 3: in two minutes is like, I used to have cum
• 48:33
  Speaker 3: on my face.
• 48:34
  Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying?
• 48:35
  Speaker 1: It's somebody who is just a lying piece of shit.
• 48:37
  Speaker 2: I could say, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just what it is.
• 48:40
  Speaker 2: It's different. You guys are in relationships. You know, she
• 48:42
  Speaker 2: rehabilitated from having the mouth of a sailor. Yeah, you
• 48:45
  Speaker 2: know what I'm saying? I try not to because let
• 48:46
  Speaker 2: me tell you this, Weezy.
• 48:49
  Speaker 3: Girl.
• 48:49
  Speaker 2: Girl.
• 48:49
  Speaker 3: I can't imagine a man cheating on you back in Memphis.
• 48:52
  Speaker 2: I could go back to her. No, seriously. So I
• 48:55
  Speaker 2: try not to. I purposely try not to curse.
• 48:57
  Speaker 1: But so with you all, you have an agreement. Yes.
• 49:00
  Speaker 1: That is non-monogamy. When you are in a relationship and
• 49:04
  Speaker 1: just because if you choose to stay... and you choose
• 49:07
  Speaker 1: to stay after he cheats again, and you choose to
• 49:09
  Speaker 1: stay with no consequences, no anything, he just has complete
• 49:14
  Speaker 1: total access to you, then it's not as much of
• 49:18
  Speaker 1: self-respect for yourself as much it's it's asking yourself why
• 49:22
  Speaker 1: am I abandoning my needs what I really want.
• 49:26
  Speaker 3: What about when it comes to you said if the
• 49:28
  Speaker 3: friends are happy for me I don't I mean if
• 49:31
  Speaker 3: my friends are crying they're not happy right No, not really.
• 49:34
  Speaker 1: Sometimes I cry when I'm happy. I cry when I'm sad.
• 49:36
  Speaker 1: It's what you're associating it with. You see what I'm saying?
• 49:40
  Speaker 2: And I only say this.
• 49:41
  Speaker 3: Me, personally.
• 49:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's what you're associating tears with in that moment.
• 49:45
  Speaker 4: At one point, how can you forgive behavior so many
• 49:49
  Speaker 4: times before it becomes permission? Like, how many times can
• 49:53
  Speaker 4: you forgive cheating before you're like, just allowing the cheat?
• 49:57
  Speaker 2: How many times can you.
• 49:58
  Speaker 3: Forgive the abuse? I think about Baby Boy when I
• 49:59
  Speaker 3: think about that. You know what I mean? Because literally, Yvette,
• 50:01
  Speaker 3: I remember watching that And as I get older, you know,
• 50:04
  Speaker 3: you pick up a new thing from a movie you've
• 50:06
  Speaker 3: seen a hundred times. The other day when I was
• 50:08
  Speaker 3: watching it, and she was like, I knew about her,
• 50:10
  Speaker 3: but my job, and I knew about that one, but
• 50:12
  Speaker 3: my job, Jodi. And that line, I was like, damn,
• 50:16
  Speaker 3: so you yelling at him about cheating, but you knew
• 50:18
  Speaker 3: about it. But you're like, but that was, how could
• 50:21
  Speaker 3: you have done that? And it's like, damn, well then,
• 50:24
  Speaker 3: what is it then?
• 50:25
  Speaker 2: I don't think it's in the number of times.
• 50:28
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 50:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it's more in what consequences you have
• 50:32
  Speaker 1: after each time. If a person cheats on you and
• 50:36
  Speaker 1: there's no consequences, and men love when there's no consequences.
• 50:39
  Speaker 3: They love it. What is a consequence? That ain't a consequence.
• 50:41
  Speaker 3: What's a consequence? No, but this is a great thing.
• 50:43
  Speaker 3: What's a consequence? Okay, I will tell you what I
• 50:45
  Speaker 3: have seen in the last two friends that have been
• 50:46
  Speaker 3: cheated on. Okay. Now, I have a two-bedroom in New York,
• 50:49
  Speaker 3: which is not very common for most. Okay? So, I
• 50:52
  Speaker 3: have been the safe haven, yo nigga cheated bedroom. So... Boom.
• 50:58
  Speaker 3: He cheats. They leave for a week. They let him
• 51:01
  Speaker 3: send flowers to my house. They let him. Oh, every
• 51:04
  Speaker 3: nigga that sent two Uber Eats. Oh, you want steak?
• 51:06
  Speaker 3: What wheezy you want to eat? Okay. The whole shebang. Okay.
• 51:09
  Speaker 3: And the other one I've seen is I'm done. It's
• 51:12
  Speaker 3: a fake out and they're back in a few weeks.
• 51:15
  Speaker 3: What is a true consequence?
• 51:17
  Speaker 1: The true consequence is I have to see a behavior change.
• 51:21
  Speaker 1: You see what I'm saying? There's something, and I love
• 51:24
  Speaker 1: your girlfriends because we always love flowers and all those things,
• 51:26
  Speaker 1: but those things are very topical and very typical. They
• 51:30
  Speaker 1: haven't really sat with themselves and said, what do I
• 51:32
  Speaker 1: really need? What do I want to feel that even
• 51:35
  Speaker 1: though he wasn't in the act of cheating... But there
• 51:39
  Speaker 1: was something I wasn't getting.
• 51:40
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 51:41
  Speaker 2: And they haven't really gone below the surface.
• 51:43
  Speaker 1: And they just go, OK, everyone says if he gives
• 51:45
  Speaker 1: me flowers, that means, you know, that's a consequence.
• 51:48
  Speaker 2: No, that's some bullshit. See, there we go.
• 51:50
  Speaker 3: You see me? You see me recording this right now?
• 51:52
  Speaker 3: I need to send this to somebody.
• 51:53
  Speaker 4: But the consequence that the women believe they were giving
• 51:57
  Speaker 4: the man was leaving.
• 51:59
  Speaker 2: Even though they went back.
• 52:00
  Speaker 3: So to me, but the consequence.
• 52:03
  Speaker 1: No, I said behavior to consequence plus behavior change. You
• 52:08
  Speaker 1: can't go back into the behavior changes. Now you're looking
• 52:11
  Speaker 1: at the cheating being the behavior change cheating. There's something
• 52:16
  Speaker 1: else that you're not getting that a woman who's dialed
• 52:18
  Speaker 1: into a man.
• 52:19
  Speaker 2: She's going to give him everything.
• 52:21
  Speaker 3: Period.
• 52:21
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 52:22
  Speaker 3: Yes. If you're dialed in, if he's good to you, if.
• 52:24
  Speaker 1: He's showing up for you, if he's not just the
• 52:26
  Speaker 1: topical stuff.
• 52:27
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 52:28
  Speaker 1: So there is something that this woman was not getting
• 52:31
  Speaker 1: that she didn't address before he cheated.
• 52:34
  Speaker 3: So you're saying when women are seeing signs of men,
• 52:37
  Speaker 3: let's even take it further than cheating, being verbally abusive,
• 52:40
  Speaker 3: being emotionally abusive, whatever. There's something they saw, a behavior
• 52:43
  Speaker 3: that they accepted. Yes, that they tolerated. What are some
• 52:46
  Speaker 3: of those behaviors that they could catch?
• 52:49
  Speaker 2: You just said it.
• 52:50
  Speaker 1: If a man, if he is in your head and
• 52:52
  Speaker 1: your spirit is like, he's talking down to you, you
• 52:55
  Speaker 1: bring in something good and he goes.
• 52:56
  Speaker 2: Oh, okay, that's good.
• 52:57
  Speaker 3: Good for you.
• 52:59
  Speaker 2: Good for you. Good for me. I just had a
• 53:01
  Speaker 2: major accomplishment here.
• 53:02
  Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying? You know what's crazy? Good
• 53:04
  Speaker 3: for me.
• 53:05
  Speaker 4: What are you talking about? This is what I had
• 53:06
  Speaker 4: to learn. In my previous relationship, I would be silent
• 53:11
  Speaker 4: about things that bothered me.
• 53:12
  Speaker 3: Mm-hmm. That. Yes. Yes. Yes.
• 53:15
  Speaker 4: And to me, even in the breakup, I placated the
• 53:20
  Speaker 4: betrayal because he did cheat on me with a homeless
• 53:24
  Speaker 4: woman and a white woman, both.
• 53:26
  Speaker 2: I was like, what the fuck?
• 53:28
  Speaker 3: How dare you? Bro, I swear she was homeless.
• 53:30
  Speaker 2: I can't even keep my face show.
• 53:32
  Speaker 3: She was homeless. Okay, can I just also say, it's
• 53:34
  Speaker 3: not like I'm capping for the woman, but when Melly
• 53:35
  Speaker 3: said homeless.
• 53:36
  Speaker 2: And she was trying to fuck me.
• 53:39
  Speaker 3: She wasn't trying to fuck me.
• 53:40
  Speaker 2: She was a couch surfer.
• 53:41
  Speaker 3: She was homeless.
• 53:42
  Speaker 2: Oh, so she wasn't living on the street.
• 53:45
  Speaker 3: No. She was homeless. Okay. But that's what it is.
• 53:47
  Speaker 2: When you say homeless, I'm like your man.
• 53:49
  Speaker 3: She was unhoused. Anywho.
• 53:51
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 53:52
  Speaker 4: For a long time after that breakup, I was like,
• 53:56
  Speaker 4: he cheated on me. And I was really upset about
• 53:59
  Speaker 4: the cheat.
• 54:00
  Speaker 3: Because I was like, well, why did you cheat on me?
• 54:02
  Speaker 2: Later, through therapy, I.
• 54:05
  Speaker 3: Realized, wait.
• 54:06
  Speaker 4: There were certain, he was waiting till last minute to
• 54:10
  Speaker 4: make plans with me.
• 54:10
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 54:11
  Speaker 2: And you tolerated it.
• 54:11
  Speaker 3: And I was just hoping he showed up. Yes.
• 54:13
  Speaker 2: And I really didn't like that he did that.
• 54:14
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 54:15
  Speaker 2: There were ways in which we communicated.
• 54:17
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 54:17
  Speaker 4: Like, why are you going this long without, and instead
• 54:20
  Speaker 4: of like nagging him, I just let him do it.
• 54:22
  Speaker 2: But that's not nagging. You tell a person what you need,
• 54:24
  Speaker 2: that's not nagging. But you're right.
• 54:26
  Speaker 4: There were so many other underlying behaviors that didn't make
• 54:30
  Speaker 4: me feel emotionally safe in the relationship.
• 54:32
  Speaker 3: Yes, there you go.
• 54:32
  Speaker 4: That I realized I silenced myself and tolerated things that
• 54:36
  Speaker 4: didn't make me feel good. And now in the relationship
• 54:39
  Speaker 4: I'm in now, I'm just like, this feels night and day.
• 54:42
  Speaker 3: I actually have an improvement that you just brought up
• 54:45
  Speaker 3: that I didn't realize until this relationship. So I would
• 54:49
  Speaker 3: be silent sometimes because it's very confusing. And for those
• 54:53
  Speaker 3: of you who aren't watching, I'm looking at You, because
• 54:57
  Speaker 3: I can't imagine non-monogamy being confusing to someone that's trying
• 55:02
  Speaker 3: to fix marriages and couples that are leading towards commitment.
• 55:06
  Speaker 3: It is very confusing for me as a non-monogamous person
• 55:09
  Speaker 3: to sometimes set boundaries without seeming traditional monogamous. It's like
• 55:14
  Speaker 3: sometimes I would feel guilt for being a stickler about
• 55:18
  Speaker 3: something because I'm non-monogamous. Oh, but if I allow you
• 55:21
  Speaker 3: to fuck other people, now I'm acting like X, Y, Z. Like,
• 55:23
  Speaker 3: it's a very confusing thing that sometimes.
• 55:25
  Speaker 2: But you still have your own innate boundaries.
• 55:27
  Speaker 3: Of course you do. But the expectations I would have
• 55:30
  Speaker 3: for certain things, sometimes even therapy couldn't help it, right? Solo,
• 55:33
  Speaker 3: not couples therapy. So with my ex, if there was
• 55:35
  Speaker 3: something I didn't like, same thing. I didn't want to nag.
• 55:38
  Speaker 3: Very early on into me being in a committed relationship
• 55:41
  Speaker 3: with my now fiance, he mentioned to me a phone
• 55:45
  Speaker 3: call I made to him when I knew he was
• 55:47
  Speaker 3: going out with someone else. So... We talked every day
• 55:51
  Speaker 3: and he said, I called him around eight o'clock and
• 55:53
  Speaker 3: I said, well, it didn't got too late in the day.
• 55:56
  Speaker 3: So now it's very clear to me, this ain't working.
• 55:59
  Speaker 3: And he was like, what ain't working? Like, I'm just
• 56:00
  Speaker 3: wrapping up my day. I can't call you at night.
• 56:02
  Speaker 3: And I was like, no, you can't. I have an
• 56:04
  Speaker 3: expectation of how we talk in the afternoons. I know
• 56:07
  Speaker 3: you went out with someone else last night and it's
• 56:08
  Speaker 3: making me feel really low. So you know what? I
• 56:11
  Speaker 3: have to shift how you date other, or you have
• 56:13
  Speaker 3: to shift how you date other people because it's actually
• 56:15
  Speaker 3: not working for me. I don't feel good anymore. And
• 56:18
  Speaker 3: so I remember him on the phone, like, mind you,
• 56:20
  Speaker 3: this is like maybe four months in. And he was
• 56:22
  Speaker 3: like kind of trying to be cool, laughing, like, okay,
• 56:25
  Speaker 3: so you're telling me like I could now, now I
• 56:27
  Speaker 3: can't date anyone else. I was like, yeah, that's what
• 56:29
  Speaker 3: I'm telling you. I'm at the point in my feelings
• 56:32
  Speaker 3: with you where the dating other people is too much
• 56:35
  Speaker 3: and too strong and I need more of you. So
• 56:37
  Speaker 3: you got to figure out if that's cool for you.
• 56:39
  Speaker 3: And he called me back the next day and was like,
• 56:40
  Speaker 3: what do you want me to do? Now, oh shit,
• 56:43
  Speaker 3: I'm still recording it. I meant to send it to
• 56:44
  Speaker 3: my friend, which you spit in bars just now. So basically,
• 56:49
  Speaker 3: the thing that shifted, I had never before said when
• 56:53
  Speaker 3: their engagements with other people were too much or making
• 56:56
  Speaker 3: me feel icky. And that was only four months in
• 56:58
  Speaker 3: and I was able to do that. There was so
• 57:00
  Speaker 3: much room for that man to say I was tripping.
• 57:02
  Speaker 3: He felt like I was smothering him. And guess what?
• 57:05
  Speaker 3: At the end of the day, because he wanted to,
• 57:08
  Speaker 3: he did. And I never gave myself or those other
• 57:11
  Speaker 3: men the opportunity. I just was like, I never gave
• 57:16
  Speaker 3: it to me and I never gave it to them.
• 57:17
  Speaker 3: I could have been chose sooner, but I didn't leave
• 57:20
  Speaker 3: room for it. I didn't want these men to feel, oh,
• 57:22
  Speaker 3: I want Weezy to be the cool girlfriend. That was
• 57:24
  Speaker 3: in my head. Instead of me being like, fuck no.
• 57:27
  Speaker 3: And for some reason, I don't know if it's age
• 57:30
  Speaker 3: or just being around the block a little bit, it
• 57:32
  Speaker 3: was so easy for me to say that. And there
• 57:33
  Speaker 3: was even moments early on, like when he would kind
• 57:35
  Speaker 3: of be like, oh, okay. So you telling me I
• 57:37
  Speaker 3: can't do X, Y, Z. All right. You talking to
• 57:39
  Speaker 3: me like you my wife already. So we, after a
• 57:42
  Speaker 3: few months, you telling me I can't do this. I'm like,
• 57:44
  Speaker 3: that's exactly what I'm telling you. But, There is something,
• 57:48
  Speaker 3: because I'm not monogamous, that made me too scared to
• 57:51
  Speaker 3: do that. My friends that are monogamous, absolutely. You already
• 57:55
  Speaker 3: know the boundary. You don't see other people anyway. Yeah.
• 57:58
  Speaker 3: So you know how to have that discussion.
• 57:59
  Speaker 1: But I still believe you have to know how a
• 58:03
  Speaker 1: person dates. You don't assume because you are monogamous and
• 58:08
  Speaker 1: he's monogamous that the agreements will be the same.
• 58:10
  Speaker 3: Good point.
• 58:11
  Speaker 2: Because I can tell you, just to go back to
• 58:13
  Speaker 2: the show, there's a couple.
• 58:15
  Speaker 1: who they've been dating for three years, but he only
• 58:18
  Speaker 1: says he's been dating her for one because they've only
• 58:21
  Speaker 1: been living together for one year.
• 58:23
  Speaker 2: Oh.
• 58:23
  Speaker 1: So even his cheating, he doesn't... He doesn't view it
• 58:27
  Speaker 1: as cheating. Because they weren't living together.
• 58:29
  Speaker 3: I wasn't fucking out of here. I'm just saying, right? Oh, well, okay.
• 58:32
  Speaker 2: I still say, and they are monogamous people, but because
• 58:35
  Speaker 2: we're him.
• 58:35
  Speaker 3: You know what crazy goes.
• 58:36
  Speaker 4: Back to you saying after three, four dates, we go together.
• 58:39
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 58:39
  Speaker 2: A lot of women, if you.
• 58:41
  Speaker 4: If you have the conversation, and I want everyone here,
• 58:45
  Speaker 4: everyone listening, if you are in a relationship right now,
• 58:50
  Speaker 4: ask that person, when did the relationship start? Because that's
• 58:54
  Speaker 4: a common thing. A lot of women view being together.
• 58:57
  Speaker 3: All the time.
• 58:58
  Speaker 1: She would say, well, we were together all the time.
• 59:01
  Speaker 1: But in his mind, we're not together.
• 59:03
  Speaker 3: We're not together.
• 59:03
  Speaker 2: We're just together all the time.
• 59:05
  Speaker 3: All men have that marker. One of my homeboys said
• 59:07
  Speaker 3: something to me. He was talking about a girl he
• 59:09
  Speaker 3: used to fuck.
• 59:10
  Speaker 2: With.
• 59:10
  Speaker 3: I'm like, what? You had her around so-and-so? And he
• 59:12
  Speaker 3: was like, but that was before our trip to Italy.
• 59:15
  Speaker 3: You remember once we went to Italy, we locked in.
• 59:17
  Speaker 3: I was like, he always talks about this one trip.
• 59:22
  Speaker 3: Once we was in Italy, everything before that, you know, she, no, nigga.
• 59:26
  Speaker 3: You only took her to Italy because y'all were that deep.
• 59:34
  Speaker 4: I'm curious what advice you give to both the man
• 59:39
  Speaker 4: and woman who decides to stay after being cheated on.
• 59:43
  Speaker 4: Because a lot of people... can say they forgive someone,
• 59:46
  Speaker 4: but they never forget. And unfortunately, a lot of times,
• 59:50
  Speaker 4: it gets thrown back into people's faces even after they stay.
• 59:54
  Speaker 4: So what is the advice and how do people navigate
• 59:58
  Speaker 4: feeling betrayed and being cheated on, but choosing... to stay
• 1:00:02
  Speaker 4: with that person even after the infidelity?
• 1:00:04
  Speaker 1: So first of all, just because I forgive you does
• 1:00:07
  Speaker 1: not mean I'm giving you permission to do something else.
• 1:00:09
  Speaker 2: Do you see what I'm saying?
• 1:00:10
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 1:00:10
  Speaker 1: Sometimes women like to delay forgiveness because they feel like
• 1:00:14
  Speaker 1: that means what you did was okay to me, right?
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 2: No, they are two different things.
• 1:00:19
  Speaker 4: Oh, so you're saying that a lot of women don't
• 1:00:21
  Speaker 4: even want to show forgiveness because they make it seem like.
• 1:00:24
  Speaker 1: That means that you hurt me and that was okay
• 1:00:27
  Speaker 1: because I forgive you. The forgiveness is honestly for the
• 1:00:31
  Speaker 1: woman saying, I forgive you. I forgive me, excuse me,
• 1:00:35
  Speaker 1: for allowing that to happen. Now, this next time, if
• 1:00:38
  Speaker 1: I'm going to accept you back, These are the consequences
• 1:00:43
  Speaker 1: and what I need. If this is not given, if
• 1:00:46
  Speaker 1: this behavior does not change, then I need to leave.
• 1:00:48
  Speaker 2: Do you see what I'm saying?
• 1:00:50
  Speaker 1: So it's not and you can't say one time, two times,
• 1:00:52
  Speaker 1: three times. If behavior is everything. If a man tells
• 1:00:57
  Speaker 1: you I'm never going to cheat again.
• 1:00:58
  Speaker 2: Right. And you go, OK, and you just accept him
• 1:01:02
  Speaker 2: back into the house.
• 1:01:03
  Speaker 1: And there has not been any conversations about what you
• 1:01:06
  Speaker 1: need prior to, like you talked about, where were you unhappy?
• 1:01:09
  Speaker 2: It can't be flowers. It can't be what you say.
• 1:01:12
  Speaker 2: Your girlfriend got flowers.
• 1:01:14
  Speaker 3: She's sending the food, the dinner every night. Yeah.
• 1:01:16
  Speaker 1: It can't be that stuff. She has to go deeper.
• 1:01:18
  Speaker 1: What was it in this? Where was I not happy? What,
• 1:01:22
  Speaker 1: what wasn't being delivered when I was not happy?
• 1:01:25
  Speaker 2: What, what is, what is really going on?
• 1:01:26
  Speaker 1: Like Mandy said, if you go deeper and, that means
• 1:01:30
  Speaker 1: that that man is going to have to step up
• 1:01:31
  Speaker 1: his shit.
• 1:01:32
  Speaker 2: In the midst of winning you back, right?
• 1:01:35
  Speaker 1: If he does that, that means that there's something that
• 1:01:38
  Speaker 1: he really loves about you because men don't change behavior
• 1:01:41
  Speaker 1: without love.
• 1:01:41
  Speaker 4: Do you find it harder for the men to forgive
• 1:01:44
  Speaker 4: the women who cheat?
• 1:01:46
  Speaker 3: Because men... It.
• 1:01:47
  Speaker 1: Depends on the couple. I found that just like with...
• 1:01:50
  Speaker 1: One of you were talking about the emotional part. If
• 1:01:53
  Speaker 1: a man feels like a man is in your head,
• 1:01:55
  Speaker 1: it's hard. You will even see on the show when
• 1:01:57
  Speaker 1: the women are being picked up.
• 1:01:59
  Speaker 3: That's an interesting one. Yeah.
• 1:02:00
  Speaker 1: But some of the women in the show, well, not
• 1:02:02
  Speaker 1: some of them, everyone in the show, they go out
• 1:02:04
  Speaker 1: with the people they cheated with.
• 1:02:05
  Speaker 3: Girl, what?
• 1:02:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:02:07
  Speaker 4: Girl, who don't they play?
• 1:02:10
  Speaker 3: Produces, Missy Miss.
• 1:02:11
  Speaker 2: What are we going to cheat have?
• 1:02:12
  Speaker 1: So we didn't go all the way through it. So
• 1:02:14
  Speaker 1: the man and the woman cheat. So we have three couples.
• 1:02:17
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 1:02:18
  Speaker 1: Each couple, each person has cheated on each other, whether
• 1:02:21
  Speaker 1: it's physical or emotional. We get the people they cheated
• 1:02:25
  Speaker 1: with to come.
• 1:02:26
  Speaker 3: Come on, Cassie.
• 1:02:30
  Speaker 4: So it's like Temptation Island, kind of, but you're actually
• 1:02:35
  Speaker 4: challenging the foundation of your relationship.
• 1:02:37
  Speaker 2: Exactly, exactly.
• 1:02:39
  Speaker 3: Oh, bitch, uh-uh.
• 1:02:40
  Speaker 2: I don't even think I would. Wait a second. I
• 1:02:42
  Speaker 2: did tell you everyone is triggered.
• 1:02:44
  Speaker 3: Everyone is triggered.
• 1:02:45
  Speaker 2: Me with the goddamn homeless bitch?
• 1:02:47
  Speaker 3: So are we supposed to watch this together? Wait, for
• 1:02:50
  Speaker 3: people that stream, how do you watch this? Because I
• 1:02:53
  Speaker 3: ain't got cable.
• 1:02:54
  Speaker 2: So wait, you watching on OWN or HBO Max?
• 1:02:57
  Speaker 3: HBO Max. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:02:58
  Speaker 2: Oh, HBO Max.
• 1:02:59
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fab.
• 1:03:00
  Speaker 1: So what's very interesting is now we have some couples
• 1:03:03
  Speaker 1: watching it. People were DMing me saying, man, my... Me
• 1:03:06
  Speaker 1: and my fiancé are watching it. Let me tell you
• 1:03:09
  Speaker 1: why they're doing that.
• 1:03:10
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 1:03:10
  Speaker 2: Because for me, if.
• 1:03:13
  Speaker 1: You can't have a conversation with your person about these
• 1:03:17
  Speaker 1: types of things. Yes. And it's the show making you
• 1:03:20
  Speaker 1: do it. Just sitting at home doing it. He feels attacked.
• 1:03:22
  Speaker 3: Of course.
• 1:03:23
  Speaker 2: But the show is like, wow, babe, what do you
• 1:03:25
  Speaker 2: think about that? She says that all the time.
• 1:03:26
  Speaker 3: Her and her man. But she'll stop.
• 1:03:29
  Speaker 2: Like, I think blue therapy.
• 1:03:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:03:32
  Speaker 3: Absolutely. It helps the connection.
• 1:03:34
  Speaker 2: It helps you to bring up conversations that normally you wouldn't.
• 1:03:39
  Speaker 3: Exactly. But you know what? I wonder what that would
• 1:03:41
  Speaker 3: bring up for us because every relationship I've ever been in,
• 1:03:44
  Speaker 3: including this one, always has someone that the other one is...
• 1:03:48
  Speaker 3: I don't want to use the word insecure, but, like,
• 1:03:49
  Speaker 3: I got my eye on that motherfucker. Not, like, as
• 1:03:51
  Speaker 3: someone I still talk to, not like someone he still
• 1:03:53
  Speaker 3: talked to, but someone that you knew meant something to
• 1:03:55
  Speaker 3: the person. And I wonder if they'd be on our
• 1:03:57
  Speaker 3: minds the whole time. Like, how would you react if
• 1:03:59
  Speaker 3: you saw them again? And, like, because that truly, in non-monogamy,
• 1:04:03
  Speaker 3: I think is our threat. Like, the person you were
• 1:04:07
  Speaker 3: last connected to like this. Like, if we reference something
• 1:04:12
  Speaker 3: maybe about another person, it's never some random sex partner.
• 1:04:16
  Speaker 3: It's never even... And anyone new is not a thing.
• 1:04:20
  Speaker 3: That person before me.
• 1:04:22
  Speaker 2: But wouldn't you want to have that conversation?
• 1:04:24
  Speaker 1: Even if you went back, even if you were watching
• 1:04:26
  Speaker 1: the show and you were like, ooh.
• 1:04:28
  Speaker 3: Oh, we have.
• 1:04:29
  Speaker 2: It's very icky. No, that's what I'm saying. We had
• 1:04:31
  Speaker 2: it because of.
• 1:04:32
  Speaker 3: Where the people live. Hey, if I went out and
• 1:04:36
  Speaker 3: I saw so-and-so, we'd talk about how we'd conduct ourselves,
• 1:04:38
  Speaker 3: how long we would speak to them, like, you know,
• 1:04:41
  Speaker 3: things like that. I think for me, the biggest insecurity
• 1:04:45
  Speaker 3: lies in Letting a bitch think she got one up
• 1:04:49
  Speaker 3: on me. And that sounds terrible. That sounds so terrible.
• 1:04:52
  Speaker 3: I know it's so egotistical. It's very like I would
• 1:04:54
  Speaker 3: smile on Instagram, but I'm really dead inside. But that's
• 1:04:57
  Speaker 3: the thing I'm terrified of. And knowing that I'm living,
• 1:05:00
  Speaker 3: I'm actually truly happy knowing that may not be the reality.
• 1:05:04
  Speaker 3: That is what I'm terrified of. For example... When Dr.
• 1:05:07
  Speaker 3: Sarah came on here, I keep saying doctor, I don't know.
• 1:05:09
  Speaker 3: When Sarah came on here, there were a lot of
• 1:05:11
  Speaker 3: comments because she was so sure in her marriage that
• 1:05:13
  Speaker 3: it only, that it happened in two days and that
• 1:05:15
  Speaker 3: it only been six months. A lot of those comments
• 1:05:17
  Speaker 3: were like, bitch, wait till he cheat on you. Really
• 1:05:20
  Speaker 3: nasty stuff, right? I believe there's people out there that
• 1:05:25
  Speaker 3: believe that about me. First of all, I was a hoe. Second,
• 1:05:29
  Speaker 3: I mean, I'm in a non-monogamous relationship. Like I know
• 1:05:32
  Speaker 3: there's someone that doesn't want the best for me. And
• 1:05:35
  Speaker 3: so I can't imagine how happy those people would be
• 1:05:38
  Speaker 3: if it wasn't great. And that's exactly why I stand
• 1:05:40
  Speaker 3: on that. I ain't scared to lose them because I'm
• 1:05:42
  Speaker 3: not about to look stupid just to have someone next
• 1:05:44
  Speaker 3: to me. You think I give a shit? We could
• 1:05:47
  Speaker 3: lose the wedding deposit, bitch. I'd rather sleep well at
• 1:05:50
  Speaker 3: night knowing I kept self-worth.
• 1:05:52
  Speaker 2: How other people may perceive.
• 1:05:53
  Speaker 3: No, looking stupid is deceit to me.
• 1:05:55
  Speaker 4: OK.
• 1:05:56
  Speaker 3: So like my man deceiving me, I genuinely would be
• 1:06:00
  Speaker 3: so sad for a breakup. But and the same for him,
• 1:06:03
  Speaker 3: I'm sure. But knowing that.
• 1:06:06
  Speaker 2: I was made a fool.
• 1:06:07
  Speaker 3: Have you ever deceived someone? Yeah. Yeah.
• 1:06:10
  Speaker 2: Well, I guess I don't want to get off topic,
• 1:06:12
  Speaker 2: but humans are flawed.
• 1:06:16
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Agreed.
• 1:06:17
  Speaker 2: You know, we're very flawed creatures. I, at this point.
• 1:06:19
  Speaker 3: Am not in the phase in my life to forgive anymore.
• 1:06:23
  Speaker 3: I'm not. I think that being there, like, and if
• 1:06:30
  Speaker 3: that meant It would be I would have a tough marriage.
• 1:06:33
  Speaker 3: There are certain things I can't forgive. I'm not talking about,
• 1:06:37
  Speaker 3: you know, sure, there could be other little things I
• 1:06:40
  Speaker 3: leave room for. But I just have seen the woman
• 1:06:42
  Speaker 3: I've become when I stay. And I don't like that person.
• 1:06:47
  Speaker 3: And so I don't ever want to be her again.
• 1:06:48
  Speaker 3: I never want to feel that way inside. I never
• 1:06:51
  Speaker 3: want to be embarrassed by someone to that degree. And
• 1:06:55
  Speaker 3: I think that I got to choose myself. I haven't
• 1:06:57
  Speaker 3: chose myself often in situations that have made me uncomfortable.
• 1:07:00
  Speaker 2: That's why I'm solo, Polly.
• 1:07:01
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 1:07:02
  Speaker 2: No, I like that.
• 1:07:03
  Speaker 3: Okay. That makes me feel happy that you like that.
• 1:07:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, no. No, I do. I like that.
• 1:07:07
  Speaker 1: But I do, I always like to cover new fiancés
• 1:07:10
  Speaker 1: and new married people with the relationship you have now.
• 1:07:15
  Speaker 1: Do everything that you're doing now to keep it. Because
• 1:07:19
  Speaker 1: if you start doing something else... it will turn into
• 1:07:22
  Speaker 1: something else.
• 1:07:23
  Speaker 3: That's a great advice.
• 1:07:24
  Speaker 1: And a lot of times we fall in love and
• 1:07:26
  Speaker 1: we get married and we stop putting time into what
• 1:07:30
  Speaker 1: got us here.
• 1:07:31
  Speaker 2: And I've seen couples.
• 1:07:34
  Speaker 1: In the deceit part of the relationship that started exactly
• 1:07:38
  Speaker 1: where you were because they stopped doing that stuff.
• 1:07:41
  Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying?
• 1:07:41
  Speaker 3: Making sure you're still showing up. Don't get too comfortable. Yeah.
• 1:07:44
  Speaker 2: And I would say that, and this is going to
• 1:07:45
  Speaker 2: sound horrible.
• 1:07:46
  Speaker 3: Say it.
• 1:07:47
  Speaker 1: No, yeah, because a lot of women probably aren't going
• 1:07:49
  Speaker 1: to like this, but the way women are built, which
• 1:07:53
  Speaker 1: gives into what we were going to talk about, femininity,
• 1:07:56
  Speaker 1: it will be more on you to inspire that love
• 1:07:59
  Speaker 1: because men get very comfortable.
• 1:08:01
  Speaker 3: Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:08:02
  Speaker 1: That's why I always say a woman should always keep
• 1:08:05
  Speaker 1: her passions. She should always keep the things that bring
• 1:08:08
  Speaker 1: her pleasure.
• 1:08:09
  Speaker 4: It just sucks because even that, that could look like independence,
• 1:08:13
  Speaker 4: which could be misconstrued as masculinity, which takes a woman
• 1:08:17
  Speaker 4: out of her femininity.
• 1:08:18
  Speaker 2: So that woman who said, I did everything, you wanted it.
• 1:08:21
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 1:08:22
  Speaker 4: Femininity looks like submissiveness for a lot of women. It
• 1:08:25
  Speaker 4: looks like, or even to men, submissiveness is feminine. And
• 1:08:32
  Speaker 4: Holding a man accountable or telling them about themselves, that's
• 1:08:35
  Speaker 4: something you're not supposed to do.
• 1:08:35
  Speaker 3: Talking over a man.
• 1:08:37
  Speaker 4: Like, there's so many traits that men remove femininity from
• 1:08:41
  Speaker 4: when it's just like, no, I'm holding you accountable.
• 1:08:43
  Speaker 2: Well, I think it's the language.
• 1:08:45
  Speaker 1: Communication is body, I'm sorry, words, tone, and body language.
• 1:08:50
  Speaker 1: So I think if you want to communicate effectively, you
• 1:08:53
  Speaker 1: have to, when you're talking to your man and being feminine,
• 1:08:56
  Speaker 1: encompass all of those things.
• 1:08:59
  Speaker 3: Oh, girl, that was my baby. lesson in this one.
• 1:09:00
  Speaker 1: Because I look like a rapper when we talking, but
• 1:09:02
  Speaker 1: I'm not even that mad. Yeah, but you see what
• 1:09:05
  Speaker 1: I'm saying? That's going to come across as being masculine.
• 1:09:08
  Speaker 3: And then the polarity he needs, you need polarity. You
• 1:09:12
  Speaker 3: need positive, you need negative.
• 1:09:13
  Speaker 2: I got to be demure, bitch, for you to hear me.
• 1:09:15
  Speaker 3: But you know what, though? It's true.
• 1:09:16
  Speaker 1: You got to think like, But communication is words, tone,
• 1:09:20
  Speaker 1: so if your body language is that.
• 1:09:21
  Speaker 3: Tone and body language. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The
• 1:09:24
  Speaker 3: first time I talked to Mommy in Crazy, and I
• 1:09:26
  Speaker 3: wasn't cursing at him, which made me think I was
• 1:09:28
  Speaker 3: doing well, but I started that, you know, the hand shit.
• 1:09:31
  Speaker 3: I remember he turned around. We were the only people
• 1:09:34
  Speaker 3: in the house. You know what I mean? And he
• 1:09:37
  Speaker 3: was like, yeah, I don't know what nigga you talking to,
• 1:09:39
  Speaker 3: which one of your homeboys you think you're talking to.
• 1:09:41
  Speaker 3: He's like, I'm not them niggas you work with. But
• 1:09:43
  Speaker 3: he's like, I can see that Because you're frustrated in
• 1:09:47
  Speaker 3: conversation and you think like talking to me like this
• 1:09:50
  Speaker 3: is like protecting you and it's not. Like you need
• 1:09:52
  Speaker 3: to level with me when you want me to listen
• 1:09:53
  Speaker 3: to you. I feel.
• 1:09:57
  Speaker 2: Like I have to play so many different roles. So
• 1:09:59
  Speaker 2: boyfriend number one.
• 1:10:02
  Speaker 3: You asked for that though, Mandy. You asked for that.
• 1:10:05
  Speaker 3: Boyfriend number one. One of ten of them. I know, right?
• 1:10:07
  Speaker 2: Not a lot of cursing. We don't raise our voices
• 1:10:09
  Speaker 2: at each other. What about the hand movements? It doesn't
• 1:10:12
  Speaker 2: really get there.
• 1:10:13
  Speaker 3: Okay, good. He's just very gentle. Yeah, yeah.
• 1:10:15
  Speaker 4: Boyfriend number two, I think he like gets all, I
• 1:10:19
  Speaker 4: think it's a kink for me to curse him out.
• 1:10:21
  Speaker 2: He likes me to cuss him the, oh, and I,
• 1:10:25
  Speaker 2: and I, what happens after he cusses you?
• 1:10:27
  Speaker 3: He gives me money. Shut up. I swear. It's like
• 1:10:30
  Speaker 3: too toxic. No, it's like, oh my God. But that's
• 1:10:33
  Speaker 3: toxic on both ends, though.
• 1:10:33
  Speaker 2: You don't understand, like, when I be out in public
• 1:10:36
  Speaker 2: with him.
• 1:10:37
  Speaker 1: Because if you got to cuss him out to give him,
• 1:10:39
  Speaker 1: that means something happened in his childhood.
• 1:10:40
  Speaker 3: He does things to trigger me to be upset.
• 1:10:42
  Speaker 2: And then I'll be like, man, fuck that shit.
• 1:10:43
  Speaker 3: I'm leaving.
• 1:10:44
  Speaker 2: He'll send his friends to come out and get me.
• 1:10:45
  Speaker 2: I got to come back.
• 1:10:46
  Speaker 3: Just stay.
• 1:10:47
  Speaker 2: And I'll be like, like, he likes being called out
• 1:10:49
  Speaker 2: of his name. He loves it. I'm not shocked. But
• 1:10:53
  Speaker 2: it's like, what the fuck?
• 1:10:55
  Speaker 3: But.
• 1:10:57
  Speaker 2: At this point, it's a kink. Because do I really
• 1:10:59
  Speaker 2: get mad at him? Do we argue?
• 1:11:00
  Speaker 1: No.
• 1:11:01
  Speaker 2: But he drives it out of me to where I
• 1:11:03
  Speaker 2: think he genuinely does. Are you laughing after?
• 1:11:06
  Speaker 4: No, well, I smile when the money hits my account.
• 1:11:09
  Speaker 4: But in the moment, yes, I'm upset and I don't
• 1:11:11
  Speaker 4: like my emotions being pushed.
• 1:11:12
  Speaker 3: Wait, I do have a question before we get out
• 1:11:14
  Speaker 3: of here. We didn't get into your engagement. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:11:17
  Speaker 3: Had you been married before?
• 1:11:19
  Speaker 1: No, with a mother that was married five times.
• 1:11:21
  Speaker 3: So how would that be? You want it done? This
• 1:11:23
  Speaker 3: is it?
• 1:11:23
  Speaker 4: Huh?
• 1:11:23
  Speaker 3: This is it? Oh, this is it. Yeah.
• 1:11:25
  Speaker 1: And because let me tell you, I'm not that girl anymore.
• 1:11:28
  Speaker 1: Even my new podcast, I just launched it yesterday.
• 1:11:30
  Speaker 3: Congratulations.
• 1:11:32
  Speaker 1: It's called A Different Kind of Woman because look at
• 1:11:34
  Speaker 1: my story. I've had to become a different kind of woman, right? Kinda,
• 1:11:38
  Speaker 1: kinda woman. And what I realized is all that toxicity
• 1:11:42
  Speaker 1: of who I was to my grandmother and my mom
• 1:11:45
  Speaker 1: and all of the women in my family. It's not gone.
• 1:11:49
  Speaker 1: That'll forever be there, like forever. But what I have
• 1:11:52
  Speaker 1: now are those tools that my grandmother and my mom
• 1:11:55
  Speaker 1: didn't have. You know what I'm saying? And I also understand.
• 1:11:59
  Speaker 1: I think I don't want to say I understand.
• 1:12:01
  Speaker 3: That's a lie.
• 1:12:02
  Speaker 1: I've learned men enough to know how to give them
• 1:12:05
  Speaker 1: what they want without losing me. And my mother lost herself.
• 1:12:10
  Speaker 1: And I believe, honestly, there was a nice girl somewhere
• 1:12:13
  Speaker 1: in my grandmother. And I believe she lost herself. My
• 1:12:16
  Speaker 1: grandmother was raped at 17. And that's how she got
• 1:12:18
  Speaker 1: pregnant with my mom. So I believe the reason why
• 1:12:21
  Speaker 1: she became, yeah, the story continues. This is why she
• 1:12:23
  Speaker 1: became so just transactional.
• 1:12:25
  Speaker 3: Exactly.
• 1:12:26
  Speaker 1: So I believe there was a nice woman in there.
• 1:12:29
  Speaker 1: And back in those days, she was born in 1932. So, no, no,
• 1:12:32
  Speaker 1: my mother was born in 1932. Well, she was 93
• 1:12:34
  Speaker 1: when she died. My grandmother was.
• 1:12:36
  Speaker 2: Wow, still alive.
• 1:12:37
  Speaker 1: But I will say that I know there was a
• 1:12:39
  Speaker 1: nice woman in there that if she would have gone
• 1:12:41
  Speaker 1: to therapy, if she would have gotten help, she wouldn't
• 1:12:44
  Speaker 1: have been the woman she was.
• 1:12:45
  Speaker 3: Can we talk about your age? How young are you?
• 1:12:47
  Speaker 3: Or can we say it?
• 1:12:48
  Speaker 2: Absolutely. I'm 55.
• 1:12:50
  Speaker 3: You look great.
• 1:12:52
  Speaker 2: Thank you.
• 1:12:53
  Speaker 3: Okay. I was guessing like early 40s.
• 1:12:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm 55.
• 1:12:55
  Speaker 3: I'll be 55. But I really think this is important
• 1:12:58
  Speaker 3: because Just thinking of our friends that make comments that
• 1:13:01
  Speaker 3: they're going to be alone forever. And you met your
• 1:13:03
  Speaker 3: husband at what age?
• 1:13:05
  Speaker 2: Well, no, no, no. We got engaged in six months.
• 1:13:07
  Speaker 2: I met him June 17, 2023.
• 1:13:08
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 1:13:08
  Speaker 1: And we were engaged on my birthday, January 31, 2024.
• 1:13:12
  Speaker 1: So you've been engaged for a year and a half? No, no.
• 1:13:16
  Speaker 2: No, we've been engaged.
• 1:13:16
  Speaker 3: Yeah, year and a half. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:13:18
  Speaker 1: How....
• 1:13:20
  Speaker 2: How long do you plan for the engagement to happen?
• 1:13:22
  Speaker 3: Well, she said December.
• 1:13:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we're getting married in December. So we have a
• 1:13:25
  Speaker 2: cruise happening, Virgin Voyages.
• 1:13:28
  Speaker 3: Hello.
• 1:13:28
  Speaker 1: December 5th to the 12th. And I've invited everyone to
• 1:13:31
  Speaker 1: my cruise. He thinks I'm crazy. I've invited everyone because
• 1:13:34
  Speaker 1: he's like, you want all these strangers at our wedding?
• 1:13:36
  Speaker 1: I'm like, no, they're not strangers. Because for me, if
• 1:13:39
  Speaker 1: they're showing up for my wedding, I'm not like Beyonce
• 1:13:41
  Speaker 1: or nothing. But if they're showing up, that means they
• 1:13:43
  Speaker 1: have hope. And they're looking at possibility, right?
• 1:13:45
  Speaker 3: I love that. Yeah, yeah.
• 1:13:46
  Speaker 1: So we get married then. But I want to go
• 1:13:48
  Speaker 1: back to what made, did you, you asked me a question.
• 1:13:51
  Speaker 3: Yeah, what made, what about him? Like what made it him? Yes.
• 1:13:53
  Speaker 1: For me, there was a lot of my career. I
• 1:13:55
  Speaker 1: told you I was an actress. I went from dating
• 1:13:58
  Speaker 1: men who were, I don't want to say, who were
• 1:14:02
  Speaker 1: not as, not successful because I was in the fixer stage.
• 1:14:06
  Speaker 2: Like my mom, oh, okay, he comes in like that.
• 1:14:08
  Speaker 2: Don't worry, I'm going to take care of that, right?
• 1:14:09
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 1:14:10
  Speaker 1: And then I went to my grandmother, which was money, money.
• 1:14:13
  Speaker 1: And then but then I find myself in the middle.
• 1:14:16
  Speaker 1: But I would find these men who would literally make
• 1:14:19
  Speaker 1: me feel like shit, but also want me to show
• 1:14:22
  Speaker 1: up like this all the time.
• 1:14:25
  Speaker 3: Wig hair, all the things.
• 1:14:26
  Speaker 1: And they couldn't deal with the Memphis side of me
• 1:14:29
  Speaker 1: because that girl I'm on y'all's podcast. But trust me,
• 1:14:32
  Speaker 1: if you ever came to my house, you would see
• 1:14:35
  Speaker 1: Stacey Yvette Johnson.
• 1:14:37
  Speaker 2: I'm just saying.
• 1:14:37
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 1:14:38
  Speaker 1: And they didn't know how to deal with the Stacey
• 1:14:40
  Speaker 1: at home, which is I play spades.
• 1:14:43
  Speaker 2: I put the spade. I put the queen on my forehead.
• 1:14:45
  Speaker 2: I spit on it. I walk around the table. You
• 1:14:48
  Speaker 2: know what I'm saying?
• 1:14:49
  Speaker 1: I gangster walk like all the things like so. But
• 1:14:52
  Speaker 1: they were from politicians to ballplayers. So they wanted me
• 1:14:55
  Speaker 1: to show up like this. Jason even asked me to
• 1:14:58
  Speaker 1: marry him, which is not it is what it is.
• 1:15:02
  Speaker 1: He asked me to marry him. My wig was off.
• 1:15:04
  Speaker 1: It was the morning of my birthday. The wig was off.
• 1:15:07
  Speaker 1: My brother called on FaceTime. And he asked me, and
• 1:15:10
  Speaker 1: I said, are you kidding? Because I'm like, I'm already
• 1:15:12
  Speaker 1: told you, like, needs to be people and lights and
• 1:15:15
  Speaker 1: all those things. Like, Stacey, like, I can't get married.
• 1:15:19
  Speaker 2: They're like, I got to put this on Instagram. You
• 1:15:22
  Speaker 2: know what I'm saying? And he said none of that matters.
• 1:15:23
  Speaker 2: He said none of that matters. He said because this
• 1:15:25
  Speaker 2: is the woman I'm marrying. No wig. No makeup.
• 1:15:29
  Speaker 3: I love that.
• 1:15:30
  Speaker 2: Just me.
• 1:15:32
  Speaker 3: Six months. Yeah. Do you think age plays a part
• 1:15:37
  Speaker 3: in knowing? Like, both of y'all have been around a block.
• 1:15:41
  Speaker 3: Y'all know that. Six months, I still feel like you
• 1:15:43
  Speaker 3: didn't know a person. Yeah.
• 1:15:45
  Speaker 1: I would say that, yes, we got engaged early. But
• 1:15:48
  Speaker 1: I can tell you I'm just as happy today as
• 1:15:50
  Speaker 1: I was. And we've been through some things. I love that.
• 1:15:54
  Speaker 1: I don't give time. I give what are y'all talking about?
• 1:15:57
  Speaker 1: What is the conversation? Is each person being honest? with
• 1:16:00
  Speaker 1: who they are, what they want. I mean, now I
• 1:16:03
  Speaker 1: can say at 20, I probably wouldn't be, I wouldn't
• 1:16:06
  Speaker 1: be as clear with what I wanted. So maybe age
• 1:16:09
  Speaker 1: in that way. But after I got 30 and 40, no,
• 1:16:12
  Speaker 1: I feel like when you're mature like that, you should
• 1:16:14
  Speaker 1: have asked yourself, well, had I? I didn't start really
• 1:16:17
  Speaker 1: asking myself questions. When I say these things, I kind
• 1:16:20
  Speaker 1: of have to back that because I do want to
• 1:16:21
  Speaker 1: make sure I'm always being honest. At 35 is when
• 1:16:25
  Speaker 1: I started to have my transition. into this woman that
• 1:16:28
  Speaker 1: you see right now. So I would say maybe mid thirties.
• 1:16:31
  Speaker 3: Who am I going to be?
• 1:16:32
  Speaker 1: But it really, but let me say this. It's really
• 1:16:34
  Speaker 1: about what you do when you're not with someone.
• 1:16:37
  Speaker 2: That's why you got to do the work.
• 1:16:39
  Speaker 3: Exactly.
• 1:16:39
  Speaker 1: My mother made me because I looked, I could have
• 1:16:42
  Speaker 1: been a little girl at 35 or the woman at
• 1:16:44
  Speaker 1: 35 that looked at both of them and did not
• 1:16:46
  Speaker 1: go inside and say, well, fuck that.
• 1:16:49
  Speaker 3: Excuse me. Yeah.
• 1:16:51
  Speaker 2: That's when I started getting comfortable.
• 1:16:54
  Speaker 3: 20 years ago. Now you're going back to 30.
• 1:16:56
  Speaker 1: I didn't even say S. I didn't even say S-H-I-T earlier.
• 1:16:59
  Speaker 1: But no, but that girl, I'm telling you, she's still
• 1:17:01
  Speaker 1: in there. But I didn't ask myself if I would have...
• 1:17:05
  Speaker 1: If my mother would have died in my arms and
• 1:17:06
  Speaker 1: I still didn't ask myself those questions, at 35, I
• 1:17:10
  Speaker 1: could have still been toxic.
• 1:17:11
  Speaker 3: Yeah. I could have still been.
• 1:17:12
  Speaker 1: So I don't want to give age and I don't
• 1:17:14
  Speaker 1: want to give time because I think we spend too
• 1:17:15
  Speaker 1: much time on... Your age has to be this. No,
• 1:17:19
  Speaker 1: my life saw some really hard things. And then you
• 1:17:22
  Speaker 1: started asking yourself the question. And that's why at 35
• 1:17:24
  Speaker 1: I did that.
• 1:17:25
  Speaker 3: I love meeting brides that are not the traditional age
• 1:17:30
  Speaker 3: to get married. Like, you know, just a bit older
• 1:17:31
  Speaker 3: because it really does show you, like.
• 1:17:33
  Speaker 2: It can happen.
• 1:17:34
  Speaker 3: It really can.
• 1:17:35
  Speaker 2: But what are you doing? Like, I did a lot
• 1:17:37
  Speaker 2: of work on myself.
• 1:17:37
  Speaker 3: Because Claudia Jordan made that comment in her 50s. Yeah, really? Yeah.
• 1:17:42
  Speaker 2: My grandpa passed last year.
• 1:17:43
  Speaker 3: And it sucks.
• 1:17:45
  Speaker 2: In bed with her, heart attack.
• 1:17:47
  Speaker 3: But.
• 1:17:48
  Speaker 4: Uh, I was like 13 and this is the mom
• 1:17:50
  Speaker 4: that my, my mom, this is my grandma that my
• 1:17:54
  Speaker 4: mom had a, you know, tumultuous relationship with, but yeah,
• 1:17:56
  Speaker 4: she remarried in her fifties and they were together through
• 1:18:00
  Speaker 4: him getting well into his seventies.
• 1:18:01
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 1:18:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:18:02
  Speaker 3: It can happen.
• 1:18:03
  Speaker 2: I can tell you this.
• 1:18:05
  Speaker 1: I want to talk about femininity because I think that's
• 1:18:07
  Speaker 1: a lot of what I didn't have initially. Femininity is not,
• 1:18:11
  Speaker 1: of course, in what you look like.
• 1:18:12
  Speaker 2: We all look feminine, right? As far as the topical stuff.
• 1:18:16
  Speaker 1: But what are you doing to build that character in
• 1:18:18
  Speaker 1: yourself when you're not with a man? That's what I teach.
• 1:18:21
  Speaker 1: You see what I'm saying? That's why when women go,
• 1:18:23
  Speaker 1: you know, I'm going to be feminine when he shows up. No,
• 1:18:25
  Speaker 1: you're going to be performing when he shows up.
• 1:18:27
  Speaker 2: You know what's crazy?
• 1:18:28
  Speaker 4: I just bought these dresses because I've been looking like
• 1:18:31
  Speaker 4: a stud with my man and my best friend literally
• 1:18:34
  Speaker 4: was like, Bro, I don't understand why you don't wear
• 1:18:36
  Speaker 4: dresses around your boyfriend. Like, why don't you dress up
• 1:18:39
  Speaker 4: for him? Why does he get the cargo pants and
• 1:18:42
  Speaker 4: the crop top? Like, why don't you give him what
• 1:18:45
  Speaker 4: you give? And I literally was like, okay, I'm going
• 1:18:48
  Speaker 4: to do it.
• 1:18:49
  Speaker 3: So when we were in New Orleans.
• 1:18:50
  Speaker 4: I wore a dress and he loved it. So now
• 1:18:52
  Speaker 4: when I see him in New York, I'm bringing nothing
• 1:18:54
  Speaker 4: but dresses.
• 1:18:55
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 1:18:55
  Speaker 2: Because I realize I don't show up feminine.
• 1:18:57
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 1:18:58
  Speaker 2: Around him.
• 1:18:58
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 1:18:59
  Speaker 2: I allow him to lead.
• 1:19:00
  Speaker 3: Uh-huh. And, you know.
• 1:19:02
  Speaker 2: But do you talk with your hands and stuff with him?
• 1:19:04
  Speaker 2: I'm myself. I do get to be myself.
• 1:19:06
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:19:07
  Speaker 2: But I don't, like, talk at him. I talk with him. Oh, okay.
• 1:19:10
  Speaker 3: Oh, no, no, no.
• 1:19:11
  Speaker 2: I'm talking about in conflict. That's when, for men, it
• 1:19:13
  Speaker 2: gets a little. We haven't been there yet.
• 1:19:16
  Speaker 3: Okay. We haven't been there yet.
• 1:19:18
  Speaker 1: Well, remember what I said. If you can, if it's
• 1:19:21
  Speaker 1: not just in your records, I talk with my hands.
• 1:19:23
  Speaker 1: But if you're in conflict, I would say just really
• 1:19:26
  Speaker 1: self-talk yourself and say, Mandy, don't use your hands. Self-talk, self-talk, Mandy,
• 1:19:30
  Speaker 1: don't use your hands.
• 1:19:31
  Speaker 3: You can communicate.
• 1:19:32
  Speaker 2: You said voice and song, girl.
• 1:19:33
  Speaker 3: Do you hear this?
• 1:19:34
  Speaker 2: It's given Mr. and sir.
• 1:19:35
  Speaker 3: No, no, no.
• 1:19:36
  Speaker 2: But that's how you talk. I don't want you to change.
• 1:19:38
  Speaker 1: I just the things that I know that men find
• 1:19:41
  Speaker 1: intrusive during conflict is that.
• 1:19:44
  Speaker 4: So being being in your feminine as a woman during
• 1:19:47
  Speaker 4: conflict eases the conflict.
• 1:19:50
  Speaker 3: What you say?
• 1:19:50
  Speaker 2: No, no, no, no, no.
• 1:19:51
  Speaker 1: So absolutely. That is a part of being feminine. I
• 1:19:54
  Speaker 1: don't want you to think it's everything. Being feminine, how
• 1:19:57
  Speaker 1: I help women be feminine is ask me how I'm
• 1:20:00
  Speaker 1: doing today.
• 1:20:01
  Speaker 3: How are you doing today? Stacey. Okay.
• 1:20:03
  Speaker 2: And I'm going to give you two. Oh, I'm good.
• 1:20:05
  Speaker 2: You're a guy. Oh, I'm good. I had a great day. Okay. Okay.
• 1:20:09
  Speaker 3: All right.
• 1:20:09
  Speaker 2: Now ask me how I'm doing today. And I'm in
• 1:20:11
  Speaker 2: my feminine.
• 1:20:13
  Speaker 3: How are you doing today, Stacey?
• 1:20:14
  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh.
• 1:20:15
  Speaker 1: I woke up and I looked outside and I was like, wow,
• 1:20:18
  Speaker 1: the sun is so beautiful. I'm having an amazing day.
• 1:20:21
  Speaker 1: Anytime I wake up with the sun right outside my window.
• 1:20:23
  Speaker 2: How are you?
• 1:20:24
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 1:20:24
  Speaker 2: That was way more feminine.
• 1:20:25
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 1:20:26
  Speaker 2: You see what I'm saying?
• 1:20:27
  Speaker 1: So when you talk, so that's something that I could
• 1:20:29
  Speaker 1: practice with strangers. That's why I say you, you're feminine.
• 1:20:33
  Speaker 1: You're practicing and not performing. So when he shows up,
• 1:20:36
  Speaker 1: it doesn't matter if the man is there or not.
• 1:20:38
  Speaker 1: You can practice what I said with anybody. But you
• 1:20:41
  Speaker 1: can say good, right, to any stranger on the street.
• 1:20:44
  Speaker 1: You can say good to the public's lady. You're at
• 1:20:46
  Speaker 1: the grocery store and how are you doing today?
• 1:20:48
  Speaker 2: Oh, I'm good.
• 1:20:49
  Speaker 1: So you're supposed to make a connection with a man
• 1:20:52
  Speaker 1: by saying good. No, paint the canvas is what I
• 1:20:55
  Speaker 1: tell women. So that's why I say if you practice
• 1:20:58
  Speaker 1: these things without him, You don't have to perform when
• 1:21:02
  Speaker 1: he shows up.
• 1:21:04
  Speaker 3: Okay. Yeah. No, I'm just adding this in. I like that.
• 1:21:07
  Speaker 3: The girl's going to want to know that one.
• 1:21:08
  Speaker 2: You see what I'm saying?
• 1:21:09
  Speaker 3: I love that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:21:10
  Speaker 1: So that's what I mean when I say practice without him.
• 1:21:13
  Speaker 1: Because when he shows up, he's going to want to
• 1:21:15
  Speaker 1: hear those things. And you don't want a man to
• 1:21:17
  Speaker 1: feel like, you know, dang, I got her and everything changed.
• 1:21:22
  Speaker 1: She started being somebody else because you were performing instead
• 1:21:26
  Speaker 1: of being.
• 1:21:26
  Speaker 3: I think that the largest issue with femininity for me
• 1:21:31
  Speaker 3: was assuming all women were like me and not realizing
• 1:21:35
  Speaker 3: I've been boyfriend girl for a long time. And I
• 1:21:37
  Speaker 3: end up in situations where either men want to date
• 1:21:40
  Speaker 3: or more seriously. And it's because I assumed I thought
• 1:21:43
  Speaker 3: every woman was nurturing. I thought every woman, I just
• 1:21:47
  Speaker 3: thought girls being soft and kind or wanting to cook
• 1:21:51
  Speaker 3: or be sweet. I thought every woman was like that.
• 1:21:54
  Speaker 3: And I did.
• 1:21:54
  Speaker 2: We started the podcast and I said, that nigga better
• 1:21:56
  Speaker 2: come over full. My fiance is the chef.
• 1:22:01
  Speaker 3: But food isn't just the nurturing part. I think they
• 1:22:05
  Speaker 3: see it when you're around people. But I have every
• 1:22:07
  Speaker 3: man tell me that's their favorite quality of me. And
• 1:22:09
  Speaker 3: I didn't realize those were the things that would put
• 1:22:13
  Speaker 3: me on a list for men. I need someone nurturing.
• 1:22:17
  Speaker 3: But then, I don't really like Wheezy. You know what
• 1:22:20
  Speaker 3: I'm saying? I don't like this girl. I don't like
• 1:22:22
  Speaker 3: the person that is also outgoing. I don't like the
• 1:22:25
  Speaker 3: person that can talk. They just saw this quality and
• 1:22:27
  Speaker 3: were like, yep, checkmark. That's what I've been looking for.
• 1:22:29
  Speaker 3: I have most men that I date tell me I
• 1:22:31
  Speaker 3: am the most nurturing woman they've been around. Or they
• 1:22:34
  Speaker 3: talk about how I act around children. And that's a
• 1:22:36
  Speaker 3: turn on for me. And that has made men that
• 1:22:39
  Speaker 3: really don't want me try to like almost... end up
• 1:22:43
  Speaker 3: in situations with me where I'm not really, they don't
• 1:22:47
  Speaker 3: love all of me.
• 1:22:48
  Speaker 2: What did I say?
• 1:22:49
  Speaker 1: Reason why I didn't make the commitment or the choice?
• 1:22:52
  Speaker 1: I've been asked three times, but it was because of that.
• 1:22:54
  Speaker 1: They wanted me to change. They didn't like all of me.
• 1:22:57
  Speaker 3: Yeah. They're like, oh, but you got this. You're going
• 1:22:59
  Speaker 3: to be a great mom. You can't do the podcast
• 1:23:00
  Speaker 3: while you're a mom, but you know, like shit like that.
• 1:23:03
  Speaker 4: I love when I feel love for everything that I am. Like,
• 1:23:07
  Speaker 4: My boyfriend right now helps me respond to the internet
• 1:23:11
  Speaker 4: when things are, like.
• 1:23:12
  Speaker 2: This is how you should respond. Yeah. Go as your
• 1:23:14
  Speaker 2: goddamn most powerful self.
• 1:23:15
  Speaker 3: Yes, yes. Ooh, I love that.
• 1:23:17
  Speaker 2: He loves, like, he even helps me just lean into
• 1:23:19
  Speaker 2: who I am.
• 1:23:20
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 1:23:20
  Speaker 2: Like, you know you have opinions. People ain't gonna like it.
• 1:23:23
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 1:23:23
  Speaker 2: When they attack you, Tell him who the fuck you are. Yes.
• 1:23:25
  Speaker 3: Yes. Because you're who you are. Yes.
• 1:23:27
  Speaker 2: I like him.
• 1:23:28
  Speaker 3: I love him. Yeah. Now, Stacey. I love him. I
• 1:23:30
  Speaker 3: like him. I love him.
• 1:23:31
  Speaker 4: Stacey, let the people know where they can support you,
• 1:23:34
  Speaker 4: watch you, book you, follow.
• 1:23:36
  Speaker 3: You, all the things.
• 1:23:37
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 1:23:38
  Speaker 3: Wow.
• 1:23:39
  Speaker 1: Instagram, I'm just date girl, but you can put in Dr. S-T-A-C-I-I,
• 1:23:43
  Speaker 1: and then my name will come straight up.
• 1:23:45
  Speaker 2: My Instagram.
• 1:23:46
  Speaker 1: My website is Stacey, S-T-A-C-I-I-J-A-E Johnson dot com.
• 1:23:52
  Speaker 2: And your show.
• 1:23:55
  Speaker 3: My show. Hello.
• 1:23:56
  Speaker 2: Wonderful show.
• 1:23:57
  Speaker 3: Actually, hold on.
• 1:23:59
  Speaker 1: My show is actually the number one show on OWN.
• 1:24:01
  Speaker 3: I saw that on OWN. Yeah.
• 1:24:04
  Speaker 1: The ratings for an unscripted. They have not been this
• 1:24:07
  Speaker 1: high for OWN in seven years.
• 1:24:09
  Speaker 3: I'm so glad you contacted us because I have to
• 1:24:11
  Speaker 3: be honest with you. And this is no shade to
• 1:24:13
  Speaker 3: OWN or anything.
• 1:24:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:24:14
  Speaker 3: Sometimes when shows aren't on my radar, where it's not
• 1:24:16
  Speaker 3: a channel I normally watch, I'm left out of them. Oh,
• 1:24:19
  Speaker 3: I'm not going to lie.
• 1:24:19
  Speaker 2: We've been talking for over a year now before the
• 1:24:22
  Speaker 2: show even came out.
• 1:24:22
  Speaker 3: Mandy and I have been.
• 1:24:23
  Speaker 2: No, I mean Atlanta. So when I called the email,
• 1:24:25
  Speaker 2: I said, oh, bitch, I've been.
• 1:24:26
  Speaker 3: This is so great. We've been trying to do this. Oh,
• 1:24:29
  Speaker 3: because you're in Atlanta, that's right. Yeah. Yeah, but if
• 1:24:31
  Speaker 3: I would have seen that show, I mean, I can't imagine.
• 1:24:34
  Speaker 3: And that's the thing, like. about the internet, I feel
• 1:24:37
  Speaker 3: like once the clip go up, then that's the show
• 1:24:39
  Speaker 3: we all watching, you know? Your show sounds so interesting.
• 1:24:43
  Speaker 3: I can't wait. Literally tonight.
• 1:24:45
  Speaker 2: And it's healing.
• 1:24:47
  Speaker 1: You see a lot of the stuff, but because I'm
• 1:24:49
  Speaker 1: in the middle and I'm not for the guy or
• 1:24:51
  Speaker 1: the girl because I've seen toxic on both sides. I'm
• 1:24:54
  Speaker 1: more about establishing emotional safety. So I'm not the girl
• 1:24:59
  Speaker 1: that's going to. And honestly, I don't care if they
• 1:25:01
  Speaker 1: end up together or not.
• 1:25:02
  Speaker 3: Are they happy? Are they happy? Yeah.
• 1:25:04
  Speaker 2: And are they full of themselves?
• 1:25:06
  Speaker 3: Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Well, thank you, Stacey. Thank you.
• 1:25:10
  Speaker 2: I know it started kind of because I was in
• 1:25:12
  Speaker 2: my head.
• 1:25:13
  Speaker 3: By the end of it, you was cussing. You know,
• 1:25:15
  Speaker 3: we made you cuss. I started being really comfortable. That
• 1:25:18
  Speaker 3: was fun. Well, thank you so much.
• 1:25:20
  Speaker 4: And y'all, if you haven't yet, make sure you get
• 1:25:23
  Speaker 4: our New York Times bestselling book, No Holes Barred. It
• 1:25:28
  Speaker 4: is available now in paperback, which is more affordable and
• 1:25:31
  Speaker 4: easier for you to travel with. So make sure you
• 1:25:34
  Speaker 4: get your paperback, your Audible, or your hardcover. It is
• 1:25:36
  Speaker 4: available wherever you get books. And then if you want bonus,
• 1:25:40
  Speaker 4: if you want sex, like the cum that I was
• 1:25:43
  Speaker 4: talking about in the beginning of this episode. Go on
• 1:25:45
  Speaker 4: over to our Patreon because Horrible Decisions is still here
• 1:25:49
  Speaker 4: just behind the paywall. So for as little as $ 5
• 1:25:51
  Speaker 4: a month, you get another episode a week where we
• 1:25:53
  Speaker 4: lean more back into the sex and the kink.
• 1:25:56
  Speaker 2: So head on over to Patreon.
• 1:25:57
  Speaker 4: That's patreon.com backslash Horrible Decisions.
• 1:26:01
  Speaker 3: See y'all soon. Bye. Bye, guys.