Latest / WOC and Allies: Business and Career Realtalk with Elaine Lou Cartas / 86: Considering Foster Care With My Ex-boss, Mark Daley

Transcript

86: Considering Foster Care With My Ex-boss, Mark Daley · WOC and Allies: Business and Career Realtalk with Elaine Lou Cartas

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: If you are considering being a parent, one option to consider, and it is not for everybody, is foster care.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Every day, 700 people enter the foster care system.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: That's one child every two minutes.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: A majority of these kids are kids from indigenous and black families.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm excited to interview my ex, my ex-boss, Mark Daley.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: He's the former communications director for Hillary Clinton in her 2008 elections.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: He's worked with 30 members of Congress, owned a digital agency here in LA, and worked with celebrities and sold it.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: And Mark and I actually worked in a campaign in Des Moines, Iowa.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: So when Mark turned 40, he wanted to be a parent.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: And as a gay, married man, he was considering surrogacy, private adoption.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: But him and his husband ultimately chose foster care.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: So in this episode, we actually talk about his book, Safe, where he shares his journey about foster care and how, regardless if you want to be a foster care parent or not, how the foster care system does impact us.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: All right, let's drop the beat.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, I'm Elaine Luke Garthas.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a business and career coach for women of color and allies.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: LA Weekly awarded me the number one thought leader, and Apple News named me one of the top five business coaches.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: Done doing the most as a woman of color or ally, and you want to create your own definition of success and happiness.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: Well, grab your coffee tea or boba and let's do some business and career real talk.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: Legacy leaders, I have my ex, my ex-boss on this podcast.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: Mr.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: Mark Daly.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: Mark was my first boss out of college in 2010.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: This LA girl moved to Des Moines, Iowa, and I was a field organizer.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: You were the campaign manager working on Campaign in Iowa.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I've always known Mark to be this big shot, you know, former communications director for Hillary Clinton.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: Since then working with 30 members of Congress, growing this digital marketing agency in LA.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: So you moved to my hood with celebrities.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: And what was beautiful as I was sharing with you before we hit record was, you know, you were just this shining bright star to you turned 40, wanted to become a dad.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_02: It happens, you know, it happens.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_02: I fell in love and that's, you know, that's felt right.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: When did you realize you wanted to become a foster parent?
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, we both live in LA.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone always talks about surrogacy or private adoption.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: What made you want to go this route?
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_03: So we were, you know, my husband and I met in 2015.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_03: No, I'm sorry, we got married in 2015.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_03: We met a few years earlier.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_03: And the first time I saw him interact with his nieces and nephews, I just knew that he should be a dad, right?
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_03: And so growing up gay, like I really didn't think that being a dad was an option for me.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I'm, you know, older than you, as you know.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_03: And in in my generation there, and that, you know, growing up in the 80s, like, honestly, like it wasn't really an option for us.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_03: And I grew up in an area where I didn't know any adults who were gay or openly gay at least.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_03: So two dads driving carpool was just not a normal side for us.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_03: But as I, you know, met my husband, and of course, we were living in LA, where it was much more normal.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_03: And then, of course, marriage became legal and we were just so caught up in it.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_03: We decided, let's do this.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_03: We were actually looking at surrogacy as well.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_03: But I have three cousins who had to my family through foster care.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_03: And so it was something that I was always passionate about.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_03: So we had started to explore that as an option and then ultimately decided that we would do that, holding up that maybe we would do surrogacy at some point as well, but this was ultimately what the right way for us.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: And since my my audience is a woman of color, BIPOC, I want to start with the bigger picture because not everyone listening to this episode maybe not considering foster care, maybe even doesn't want kids.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: But knowing your background politics, I'm not surprised that this book came out during election year, during a presidential election year, knowing you, Mark.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: Can you share why it is important for us to be educated about the foster care system, how it could create a better society and the problem with those aging out of the system?
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, there's there's so much there to that question, Elaine.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_03: But I'll tell you, you know, really being involved with the foster care system really opened my eyes to a lot.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_03: You know, we, you and I work together in democratic politics, right?
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_03: Like we were trying to make sure everyone had access to healthcare and everyone was treated fairly and equally and so on and so forth.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_03: But truth is, there are a ton of people in our in our communities and every community across this country that are that are falling behind.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_03: They're falling between cracks.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_03: And these are families that are struggling with mental health issues, with drug addiction.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_03: There's things like fentanyl, you know, there's the mass incarceration issue.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_03: You know, we have an increasing number of women who are going to jail in America, 80% of whom have minor children.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_03: You know, all of these issues, whether it's addiction, whether it's incarceration, whatever it might be, the end result is these children of these adults end up in foster care.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_03: And so this is a system that you never hear anything about unless it's terrible.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_03: And we needed to do more to lift it up.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_03: And and so it being an election year, it helps.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, I mean, honestly, I'll just tell you it was more about timing of when I finished writing as opposed to being super calculated and when the smoke book was in a commission.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, Mark, you that it was gonna be a presidential election year with a higher turnout than offs off years.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_03: I do, you know, but I hope to hear candidates talking about what they're gonna do about foster care and what they're gonna do to help these families that are living on the margins across our country.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_03: That's my goal.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: What can we do considering it is an election year?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: What are questions we can ask?
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_03: So I will say first and foremost, obviously, there's a crisis level need for foster parents across the country.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_03: That being said, not everyone should foster.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_03: It's not for everybody, right?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_03: We need a lot of people, but we don't need everybody.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_03: And I think people should should go in, do the, if they're thinking about it, do their research, do their whole work, talk to other foster parents, see what it's like, and then figure out if it's right for them.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_03: That the other thing that we can all do is if you have time to give, we need mentors.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_03: We need CAFS, which are court-appointed special advocates.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_03: These are people who volunteer their time, they get trained, they go into the court and they become the spokesperson for a child or sibling set, maybe, that are in foster care in the courts to make sure that they're getting what they want.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_03: And you know, the judges are listening to their voices.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_03: The other thing that we can do, honestly, is if you don't have much time, it's that every one of us is getting mail and in our at our doors or getting phone calls or watching TV ads or getting asked for a vote by people knocking on our doors or their staff.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_03: This is a time to ask them, hey, I want to learn more about what they're doing about foster care.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_03: You know, when you have this one issue that is really the backstop of every other challenge faced by people in our society, there's something we could all do, and that is lift up this issue.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's interesting because even before we had this interview, I was doing Muay Thai and I was talking to one of my friends who who she's also gay as well, her and her fiance are talking about it.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: I told her about your book, obviously.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_02: Great.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: And as you know, people talk about the trauma that kids go through.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: Even once they get adopted from birth.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: How did you navigate that?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: I know you had to go through your own training process as well.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: How did you prepare for that with you being a dad?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_03: You know, it's it's interesting, right?
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, the very nature of adoption means adoption has to begin with a loss.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_03: So before before one family can be formed, another family has to end.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_03: And that's really the hard truth for anybody looking to private go through private adoption or foster care.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_03: So these images of this giant celebration that I had in my head were not really as rosy as you know, I had I had conjured them up to be.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_03: That being said, you know, they give you significant training at the front end, and there's tons of you know books and other things available to you to work with.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_03: And, you know, for us, you know, we we we started fostering with young, young kids.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_03: So three months old and 13 months old, we had two brothers that were given to us.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_03: And so it was a little bit different dealing with little children as opposed to older kids or teenagers.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_03: And I think that's just really about being informed.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_03: The other thing that they have is that, you know, I think this is like the most important thing a foster parent can do is to be an advocate for their child.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_03: And so for us, it was like, what access do we have to therapists, to behavioral health specialists, both for us and for the child?
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, obviously for the child, but for us as well to be able to know if we're not, you know, if they're only with them an hour a week, if we're not supporting the lessons that they're being taught or the tools they're being taught to help manage different things that come up, then you know, it's not really gonna stick stick with it, you know, they're not gonna stick with it.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_03: That was some of the things that we had.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_03: There's there's so many resources out there, especially like, you know, for us here in Los Angeles.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, you know, you there's more therapists than there are CVS, you know.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_03: So it's it's easy to find one and the county pays for them for you.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_03: They make it really as as user-friendly as possible.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: I think you'll appreciate that.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: I was talking to a friend and she has two teenage daughters.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: And one of her teenage daughters went up to her and said, Mom, I need to go to therapy.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: And obviously she's like all for it, but as a parent, you're worried, like, what is happening?
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, Oh, of course.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: But if you feel comfortable, can you share why you want to go to therapy?
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, well, all my friends are going, so I want to go to therapy too, mom.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that's the type of peer pressure that that we need in this world.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, it's much better than something, you know, being bullied on Instagram, right?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, just take it that way.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_03: It's that's a good thing, I guess, right?
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_03: I'll take it.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm just warning for our listeners, there's a spoiler alert, but one of the things that when I was going through your book that you learn is you're not guaranteed the child, a child that may stay in your home.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: And I know that didn't initially happen.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: How did you navigate that?
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: And what do you want to share with our listeners who might be interested in foster care?
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_03: Sure.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_03: You know, for us, I mean, you know, going in that the goal of foster care is a regular addiction, right?
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_03: So the no one should ever be taking someone else's child away deliberately, right?
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_03: It's you have to give them a time to work through whatever their challenges are, whether it's addiction, mental health, blah, blah, blah, right?
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_03: And so the uh over a period of time, you know, the the biological parents or caregivers are given applying to to end services to to try to remedy whatever it is that they were facing.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_03: And so in California, it's about a 55% reunification rate.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_03: So 55% of the kids who enter foster care reunify back with their biological parents, you know, which is a which is a good rate.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, it's you know, it's a high rate.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_03: Obviously, they'd like it to be higher.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_03: And and so, but for us, we knew that there were percentage of kids that then need to be adopted by loving caregivers, right?
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_03: And that's what we wanted.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_03: We had heard stories of like, you know, a baby's born in the hospital, mom steps outside to smoke a cigarette and doesn't return.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_03: And that was what we wanted a child who'd been abandoned or a child who just needed parents who, you know, could be there.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_03: So we had planned on that, but of course, planning and and reality don't always align.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_03: And so we got a call for two boys that were three months and 13 months old.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_03: And the the, you know, when we asked a list of questions, it sounded like it was something that they probably weren't going to be able to go back from.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_03: You know, the parents were dealing with a significant number of issues.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_03: And so we said yes.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_03: And then, you know, they stayed with us for about 16 months before ultimately they were sent home.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_03: And, you know, the hardest part for us was not necessarily the giving of your heart and knowing that it might get broken.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_03: Like that was sort of a these that's what these kids need, right?
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_03: Like they need to know they're loved and they're worthy of love.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_03: And so if you're not willing to give your heart, then don't do this.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_03: But it was more the fear that if they went home, would they be safe?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_03: And ultimately, in our case, and you know, to keep spoiling this for you, you know, we we didn't think that they were going to be.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_03: And we felt, you know, like we weren't being heard when we kept voicing that.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_03: And ultimately what happened was, you know, over about two years later, they re-entered care with due to some abuse on behalf of the parents.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_03: So it was really a shame that that was, you know, sort of the end of our story there.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_03: We actually, but we did, as you know, after a year after the boys left our care, we had found that we were about to start the surrogacy process again and got a call that there were siblings, three children who were not going to be reunified with their biological parents for whatever reason.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_03: And so we went out and you know, learned more about them, found out, you know, met them and and it was side sealed and delivered at that point.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, they moved in and we proceeded to adoption.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: Legacy leader.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: I know what you're thinking.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: Elaine, you have such good stuff here.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: I want more.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: So if you want more tips and advice for your business career in life, sign up for my gifts and gifts newsletter at elanelu.com forward slash join.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_01: That's J-O-I-N.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: And here's three things you'll get when you join, because I'm like Santa Claus.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: I love giving.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: Number one, funny gifts.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: Cause who doesn't love memes and pop culture references?
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: This newsletter is so fetched.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: Number two, receive actionable gifts.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: That's business, career, and life tips that you can start doing today.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: Third, the gift of me.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_01: Not only do you get my wins, but also my failures, my reflections.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: My gifts and gifts newsletter is like an up-to-date diary.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: Think Zenga or Life Journal for my fellow millennials, where I share vulnerable stories, relatable mistakes, and important life tips like what to watch on Netflix.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: Like when's the next Bridgeton season?
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're ready for those fun gifts and actionable gifts to create a more sustainable life, then join my newsletter at elaneloo.com forward slash join.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: That's J O I N.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: All right, let's get back to the episode.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_01: I know, not surprised using all of your experience working in political campaigns to doing marketing and communications.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: You've what helped to date 10,000 families explore the foster care system?
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_03: So what that means is I work with when I started doing my when I started becoming a foster parent, I was helping the nonprofit figure out like what they do on recruitment.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, wow, this is weird.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_03: You're, you know, you're going to like events and it doesn't seem like that's really productive for really inexpensively.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_03: We could run some ads online.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_03: And so we started doing that, and it worked out to be a really successful model.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_03: And today we've actually we've helped bring in, it's actually close to about 15,000 families that have just acquired.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_03: That doesn't mean they're all fostered.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_03: That would be an entirely misleading statement.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_03: But it is, these are people that are thinking about it or have thought about it or just wanted more information.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_03: Of course, some people it's not right for.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_03: And you know, ultimately, it's something that we find people think about for a long period of time.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_03: It's usually somewhere between 18 and 24 months that they're like, maybe I could do this until all right, I'm ready to let's go.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_03: You know?
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_01: So going back to what you just said right now, and even in the beginning of the conversation, you shared not everybody should be a foster care parent.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_01: For what qualifications or check marks would you suggest or recommend in terms of people who can be a foster care parent?
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_01: And what should they also prepare for, like warnings as well?
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I say, look, there's a certain set of criteria, you know, that's required, right?
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_03: And so, you know, not running into all that, but like to just to say like from a mentally, what does it take question?
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_03: I think that, you know, in the book, I do this sort of very comically because I'm much more of a high strung person than my and my husband is, who like teaches meditation and is an actor and is very chill, you know.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_03: And so for for the two of us, it's it's you know, complete opposites in the way that we approach this.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_03: He's he also has you know two plus decades of sobriety, which really helps him look at the world in this like one day at a time mentality, where I, on the other hand, wanted nothing but a glass of wine at the end of the night every night when we noticed it.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: So that's the Mark Daly I remember.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it was just you know, it was one of those like it was very stressful, and I didn't we didn't know if they were saying or going, and I wanted certainty and and I couldn't get certainty.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_03: And if you're a person that doesn't deal well with with the unknown, then it's probably not right for you, you know.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_03: And then there's obviously it's like you need to have, you know, veterans and you know, but whatever else, things like that are that are available, but there's no like real discrimination against people who you know, you could you don't have to be married, you can be single, things like that.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_01: I think what I'm hearing is knowing that there are things out of your control.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_01: And things will shift and change.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_03: That's exactly what what you're hearing.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_03: And that's, I mean, and that is a lot of the book.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_03: It's this roller coaster ride of like, are they staying?
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_03: Are they going?
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_03: If they go, are they gonna be okay?
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_03: Is this guy gonna jump off a cliff staring at just from his own anxiety?
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_03: You know, this just how does this all pan out, you know?
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_03: And and there's a lot of like, look, we were we were just first-time foster parents, we were first-time parents.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_03: And while Jason was definitely like a baby whisperer, I was 40 years old and and you know, had changed some diapers, you know, but I didn't know what to do when they were having tantrums or melting down, you know.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it was a learning curve.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_01: Why did you want to call this book safe?
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: Why was that important to you?
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_01: And the message you wanted to bring out to your readers.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_03: You know, it's funny.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_03: Actually, my editor came up with the name because the the original name that I had was protection.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_03: And I thought about it from this, like, you know, multiple, or I would say double entendre, but it's probably more like this idea of like child protection, you know, like protecting yourself and your heart in this situation and this whole idea of like how do we protect all of the children in our community?
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_03: But ultimately, also it it kind of had like weird connotations around, you know, safe sex or like other things like that that were like maybe this isn't the right title, plus safe is you know, one syllable and it rolls off your tongue much easier.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_03: And so she, my editor, recommended that and I loved it.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, that's that's great.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_03: But the whole point behind it for me is is at the end of the day, you know, a parent's responsibility is to keep their child safe.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_03: It was never with the voice that went home to their biological parents, it was never a question of can their parents provide what we can provide.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_03: That's not fair.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_03: We we come from a place of privilege, we we have been gifted so many things in our lives that they have never had.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_03: It was never an us first them, but there is this minimum standard of of safety, of care that needs to be provided.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_03: And that's really difficult to to to for families to meet sometimes.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, taking your ego out of it.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I know that there is an opportunity for you to adopt them back, but also their other siblings.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_03: Can you share that?
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_03: So after we had, so the boys had reunified and we waited, you know, just over a year or so to figure out what we were going to do.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_03: And at this point, we're just getting older, you know, and and then we we found out about Amy Eddie and Josh, our three kids.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_03: And so they we we met them and they moved in and we were moving towards our adoption.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_03: Where they were been with us for about 10 months, and we got a call from the county that the boys and a now younger sister who had been born were had entered foster care.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_03: And would we consider taking them in in a foster placement, not an adoption place, but in a foster placement, meaning that they could also be reunified again, also meaning that we would now have six children.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_03: And these are kids that had been through a lot.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_03: They had now been abused, where that, you know, they had been from their parents again.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_03: They certainly wouldn't remember us because they were so little when they left, and so, you know, and a lot of time had passed.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_03: So it was a lot to consider, and it was a really painful, difficult decision that ultimately we thought, you know, we have to protect the three children that we have and and you know, pray that the system would find another set of loving, caring foster parents who could keep them safe and could care for them and help them during this really difficult time.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_01: Ultimately you chose a safety for them.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_01: And I mean, for both sets of kids.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_01: The kids I hope so.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_03: That's that's what I that's what I tell myself, you know.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_01: Mark, is there any other last words, tips, or advice you could give our listeners for two two groups of people, two targets.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_01: I'm thinking about like direct mail, right?
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_01: When we would wait the list for it.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_01: So one one group where they're considering foster care, and the other group where they are educating themselves about this.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I will say, I mean, honestly, not to plug the book too much here, but but you know, part of the reason I read the book.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_03: If initially I said, I'm gonna write a policy book and I'm gonna tell everyone what needs to happen.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_03: And I quickly learned I don't know the answer to that.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, our, you know, our our foster parent class trader said to us in the earlier, she said, if a book was ever written on foster care, it would be called it depends because every case is different.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_03: Every foster parent is different, every biological parent, every social order, every judge, every child, every situation is different.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_03: So it depends.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_03: We don't know what's going to happen.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_03: There's no like, you know, tea leaves that give us the answer as soon as a kid enters care.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_03: And so, you know.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_03: In that case, it's like I so when I wrote the book, it was like I'm gonna I'm going to give a very big overview of the foster care system with a lot of stats and data and other things, but I'm gonna do it in a way in which it isn't tormenting someone and it doesn't feel like they're reading a textbook from their college class, right?
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_03: So it was it was sharing our story in a really vulnerable and raw place from a you know from a really vulnerable and raw place.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_03: And so, you know, the book I I hope and and I've I mean the best part of writing a book like this is the feedback you get from readers, like the strangers that are hitting me up on Instagram or Facebook or sending me emails, you know, just reaching out saying, you know, some of them like I've given them vocabulary that they didn't know either that they needed, you know, that have gone through similar situations or or are currently in similar situations.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_03: You know, so I really I it's been so rewarding on that end.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_03: But for folks that, you know, folks that are thinking about it, I'm like, it's it's one of those things I hope that we need people to do it.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_03: And I hope there are good people out there that are willing to do it.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_03: But I also, you know, just it's one of those things where it's like I think people need to think long and hard about it too, because it impacts everything you do.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_03: And and your family, if you have young children at home and they become bonded with the other kids and they reunify, like what happens?
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_03: What does this mean?
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_03: You know, there's so many different scenarios out there at play.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I love it.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, just knowing you for what two decades, I think.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_03: Let's not say we're that old, but we're good.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_01: It's been a long time.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um you're older than me, Mark.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm just aging you out.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_01: But knowing you for two decades, the career that you've had even before I met you, to everything that's led you up to this point.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_01: To I'm not even saying the career, but even just being a dad has just helped you.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_01: And so thank you for all the work you do.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_01: And uh, whatever you feel safe sharing, but why don't I would love for you to share how it looks like being a full-time dad now with your kids?
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_01: How does the mornings look and the evenings?
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_01: Are they still crazy and chaotic?
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_03: My my children now are seven, ten, and eleven.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_03: So I spent this weekend bouncing around.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_03: Well, mostly I spent eight hours in Anaheim at a at a dance competition, which was awesome.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: But it was self-parenting in general to our audience.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: Eight hours in a dance competition.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: What else?
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, well, then I, you know, then we went over to Arcadia for a soccer game.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_03: So, you know, I mean, it's just what it is.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_03: It's it's a lot of fun.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_03: By the way, we don't live near either one of those places.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_03: So it's just it that is what it is.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_03: It's you know, it's it's a lot of fun though.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, it really is there's so much energy and magic around us that you know, the stuff you learn about human beings and yourself and joy is things that I never thought I would ever experience or could not have even imagined experiencing.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_03: You know, it's so much fun.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_01: Parenting looks so great on you, Mark.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_03: I appreciate that.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_01: If people want to find you, message you because they resonated with this, how can they contact you?
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_03: I have a website, it's markdaily.us, and that is the best way to reach me.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_03: But also, if you are interested in becoming a foster parent, I have a site called the fosterparent.com, which helps people in anywhere in the country connect with local agencies about learning more and how they become a foster parent.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, Mark.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks for all you do.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_03: I so appreciate it.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_01: Whether you want to be a foster parent or not, I hope you do get Mark's book safe that you can buy anywhere where books are sold.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_01: And like I said in this interview, I've always seen Mark as this big celebrity in my industry I used to work in.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_01: And it's so nice seeing him as a father and educating others about the foster care system and his vulnerability, being willing to share both his sad and happy ending with foster care.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_01: So if you found this episode helpful, here are four things you can do if you feel called to do them.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_01: Number one, if you could leave a five-star review and rating, that would mean so much to me and my team.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_01: We created this podcast for accessible education for women of color and allies.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_01: And each episode takes about four hours to create, one hour to prep, and another 30 minutes to one hour to record.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_01: Then my team spends another two hours to edit and market.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_01: Number two, because I care about accessible education, share this with a friend who's considering being a parent or might be considering foster care.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_01: This will help them be educated and help them decide what path they want to take.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_01: Number three, don't forget to hit that follow button and subscribe button.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_01: Because when you do, it lets the podcast platform that you're listening on right now know how this podcast is important for fellow women of color and allies like you.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_01: And number four, if you would like to recreate and realign your career or business by your own definition and you want to work with me, then schedule an introductory legacy career and business review call with me.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_01: I only bring on two to four new clients each month so that each client receives the results they deserve.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_01: And you can schedule a complimentary legacy business and career review call at elenelu.com forward slash call.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_01: That's E L A I N E L O U dot com board slash call.