Latest / Recovering Out Loud / Community Q&A on Sobriety, Boundaries, and Healing

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Community Q&A on Sobriety, Boundaries, and Healing · Recovering Out Loud

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Hello everyone, my name is Anthony I'm an addict and an
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alcoholic in recovery. Today we're going to be
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discussing the community questions.
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So I asked people on recovering out loud, my Instagram at
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recovering out loud pod. If you're not following me
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please go follow me. I have bite size tips and tools
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and stories of how I got sober and a lot of useful stuff on
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there and it's all free. Only thing I'm selling is hope.
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I'm a hope dealer. I stole that from someone.
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I asked everyone what they wanted me to talk about today
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and here's what we came up with. So I'm today I'm going to talk
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about recovery. Isn't A1 size fits all.
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Helping others while staying sober.
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Emotional boundaries for professionals.
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Power of routine and why routine is important in recovery.
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How families can support recovery.
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So someone coming back home from treatment, recovery skills that
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bleed into a normal life. So people that don't have
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addiction, what they can do, how these skills are transferable.
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I always say this, recovery skills are very much usable for
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everybody, whether you have an addiction or not, they are good
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life skills. And I've found that to be
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extremely true, exceptionally true.
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OK, so first up, the first topic discussion was 12 steps not
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being for everyone, alternate options for detox slash rehab.
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Thanks to Joey B561I appreciate it.
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Yeah, 12 step recovery A A is not for everyone, right?
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There's a lot of people that have poor experiences with 12
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step and specifically Alcoholics Anonymous.
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That is OK. It's not the only way to get
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sober. I always say that it's, you
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know, a A doesn't have a monopoly on sobriety and none of
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these modalities do whatever works for you, do it, work it.
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A lot of them are free. The 12 steps work for a lot of
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people, but again, they're not necessary to get sober.
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So there's CBT based programs, There's SMART Recovery, which I
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talked about and I want to refer to an earlier episode I did 12
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steps versus non, 12 steps versus therapy.
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Go check out that one. If you don't like 12 step or you
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want to explore other recovery modalities.
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I've talked about it at length in that podcast.
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There's life rings, secular recovery, refuge recovery,
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Buddhist based approaches, inpatient versus outpatient and
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harm reduction models and medication assisted treatment.
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So make sure you choose a path that matches your values and
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takes away the stigma. If you're going online with, I
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don't know, Instagram coaches or alcohol coaches, just, you know,
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ask their accreditations. Do some research before you
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blindly give someone your money. Like for myself, you know, I'm
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an addiction counselor now just finishing up my schooling on
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that. I work at a treatment center in,
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in Toronto and I've have lived experience since 2015.
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So just do your research, ask questions, ask what qualifies
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them to to be an addiction professional.
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So the biggest difference between detox and rehab, Detox
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is very much necessary for a lot of substances, including
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alcohol, right? Alcohol probably being the most
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dangerous one, alcohol and benzos, the two that you can
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that are fatal, they're severe, right?
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So you want to be very careful when you're detoxing from those.
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Make sure you get nurses, make sure you get physicians.
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Don't do that alone. And the opiate ones, although
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you can't, you know, they're not fatal, they're very horrific to
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go through opiate withdrawals. So don't do that one alone
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either. There's tons of detox, free
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detox, government funded detox in Canada.
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And I would start with Connex. So Conn Connex EX.
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I'm going to link it in the show notes, but Connex is a great
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resource. You can call, it's free and they
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will direct you to the service that fits you.
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They are basically a directory. You can also, I believe call
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211, I think is for mental health services in Canada.
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So for me, when I was coming off of benzos and I was coming off
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of stimulants, cocaine and meth, I did a detox.
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The first time when I went to Utah, I went to a separate detox
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facility that was in the USA. Lot of treatment centers will
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have detoxes in them, but there are a lot of standalone detoxes
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as well. And yeah, benzodiazepine
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withdrawal, what it felt like for me was extreme rebound
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anxiety. So, you know, I had crazy, crazy
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thought loops that I couldn't get out of.
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Physical anxiety, sweating, you know, I was like heart
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palpitations. I was nervous all the time.
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I was uncomfortable. And so they will wean you off
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that medically and properly to make that experience as smooth
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as possible. Highly recommend seeking medical
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professional help. Next topic, helping others in
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recovery while protecting your own.
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This is a good one. How do I help someone else while
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protecting my own so I don't make sure they get dragged down
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with me right? Important side note on this is
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if you're trying to help someone get sober and it's starting to
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make you feel like you want to drink or use, it might be best
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to go to somebody else with more sobriety time or a addiction
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professional to help you. Don't do it alone, right?
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But if you're in a fit spiritual condition and you are feeling,
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you know, safe and confident with helping that person go, by
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all means do it. Help them, take them to a
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meeting, right? Don't hang out with them at a
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bar, go take them for coffee. And if they're high or drunk, I
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strongly recommend you don't talk to them because it's a
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waste of both. It's a waste of both of your
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times, right? When people call me and I can
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tell that they're drunk or high, I just tell them to call me back
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when they're sober. It's really that simple.
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It's, you know, if they take it personally, well, they won't
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remember anyways because they're fucking high and drunk.
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So, but yeah, it's important that I talk to people when
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they're in their sober state because that's really them, you
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know, when they're using or drinking.
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It's not, you know, talking to that person, you're talking to
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the addiction, you're talking to the disease.
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So important distinction there. Make sure that, you know, just
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call me back when you're sober. I'd love to help, but I'll be
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here when you're sober. Yeah.
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So when it comes to helping someone, you know, setting
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healthy boundaries, like, hey, I, I that that's a boundary,
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right? Where I hey, I would love to
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help you, but I can't for my own mental health.
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I just can't talk to you when you're drunk or high.
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It's not safe for me. I prefer to talk to you when
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you're sober. That's a boundary.
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Another boundary could be, you know, if they're constantly
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yelling at you or talking condescending to you or that
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won't work for me, you can set a boundary there too.
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Hey, I feel hurt, I feel upset, I feel sad when you attack, you
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know my recovery program and say that condescending talk like
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that. That program isn't going to work
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for me. And you guys are all stupid and
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you know, it hurts my feelings. So that's another boundary that
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you can set as well. I'm here to help, but I would
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appreciate if you didn't talk shit about me or my recovery or
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the people I hang out with. So knowing the line next when
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helping becomes enabling, this is a good one.
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And I'll probably get into this as well with supporting a loved
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one in recovery. If you're a family member, the
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difference between enabling and support.
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OK, here's what enabling is. Ready enabling is when you
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prevent the natural consequences of their addiction to occur,
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right? So I'm letting them sleep a
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hangover off, I'm letting them sleep in.
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I'm giving them a place to stay. I'm giving them money for a
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haircut. And then now they have more
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money to use drugs and alcohol. I'm giving them the car, I'm
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letting them drive under my insurance, right?
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These are all methods of enabling.
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If you are doing this, stop. If you want somebody to get
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help, you need to make it. You need to let the natural
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consequences occur of addiction in their life.
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OK, so this is a tough one too, because sometimes that means you
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have to let the person go to jail or get in trouble with the
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law, but it brings them to a faster bottom.
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That's for you. I'm not going to tell anybody
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to, you know, forcibly put their loved one in jail.
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I would never do that. But just look at all the ways
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that you're enabling and maybe you can cut those out one by one
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and it'll get them faster into recovery.
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Support. Support is when you are checking
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in with them, you're telling them, hey, I'm here, I'll take
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you to a meeting. Hey, I'll take you to your
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therapist visit. I'll go for coffee with you to
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talk about ways that you can get better.
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That's support, right? Showing up, keeping in touch and
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not not taking him to the bar, not meeting him at the bar, just
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being a good person and showing up.
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That's sometimes that's all that we as addicts need.
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You know, my wife just showed up for a long time, right?
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She didn't tell me what to do or yell at me or she just showed up
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and when I was drinking or using, she said I can't be
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around that. I can't watch you kill yourself
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slowly. I can't be a part of that.
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When you're ready to get help, I'm here.
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Simple as that. Another way that we can enable
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without probably realizing it is like when somebody doesn't show
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up to events, you're covering for them, right?
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So if Johnny missed the Christmas dinner and his mom is
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saying, making up excuses and covering for him because he was
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hired drunk, that's not good, right?
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You're you're you're allow. You need to allow the natural
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consequences of his addiction to occur.
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Unfortunately, we can't get anybody sober, but we can be
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there. And when they're when they hit
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that bottom and they're ready to reach out their hand, we can be
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there. Hey, I'm here when you're ready.
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Hey, I'm here when you're ready. Simple.
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Yeah. You want to be making sure that
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you're taking care of yourself, right.
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So if you start to see that you're feeling responsible for
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their outcomes, that's a red flag.
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If you're starting to feel attached to the bad decisions
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that they make or you're starting to feel like, I don't
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know, you're responsible at all, like that's probably a red flag.
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You might might want to check that if they are pulling you
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away from your self-care routines and your recovery,
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that's a red flag. Your recovery must stay number
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one. Don't put anyone else's recovery
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above yours, right? So if you're constantly going to
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help that person out when they're in a bind or they're in,
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you know, a hangover, don't bail them out, You know what I mean?
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Unless they want to get help, right?
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But if you're constantly showing up and bailing them out and
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they're relying on you to keep using and drinking, maybe you
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should stop that. Yeah.
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So for me on this one, I can remember, you know, a few times
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I've, I've taken a lot of guys through recovery.
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I've sponsored a lot of guys over the years.
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And not all of them make it my, you know, most of them actually
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disappear. And I think a lot of people can
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relate to that that have been in long term recovery.
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It's I know I always tell guys when I work with them, I'm not
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responsible to keep you sober. I have no power in keeping you
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sober. Only you and your higher power
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can do that. I'm just here to take you
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through the recovery program, to show you the light in a dark
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place, to show you the way I was taught on how to get sober and
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stay sober. That is my only job.
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That is my only responsibility. I am not responsible for the
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outcome. I'm not responsible for you
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staying sober. I will hopefully guide you to a
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spiritual experience, which is what I've experienced and what I
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think is necessary to stay sober.
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But I can't 'cause that for you, I can't force you to do
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anything. I'll show you the path that I
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took and you know I'll hold your hand through it.
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The take away from this is you cannot pour from an empty cup.
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So make sure your cup still has recovery juice in it.
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Make sure your spiritual bank account is still intact.
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You can't give away what you don't have supporting others
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while maintaining your own recovery.
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First, is the takeaways the priority here?
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All right. Next we have how do
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professionals avoid absorbing other people's pain?
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Yeah, this is a good one, too. You know, I've been dealing in
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the addiction field professionally for less than a
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year now, but I still have a little bit of experience I can
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comment on. This at least is you got to kind
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of separate the addiction from the person, right?
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You can't become close with people when you're working with
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them because that's a boundary that you, I need to set.
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If I become too close to people, you know, things go wrong
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generally, and that's not good. It's, it's a professional
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environment. I'm here to give you tools and
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help you through it. But again, I'm not responsible
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for your recovery. And we are not friends, right?
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We can coexist together and we can, you know, be civil and but
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at the end of the day, I am a professional working from a
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professional lens, trying to help you to find your own
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recovery. But yeah, it gets hard, right?
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Like I've gotten emails so many times where it's like we don't
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need your services anymore. My son took his own life, right?
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It's hard to read that. It's hard to do this job
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sometimes where not everybody makes it like the the statistics
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are not in our favor, right? In addiction.
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So it's tough, but you have to sort of compartmentalize your
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recovery with other clients and remembering that their clients
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and not family members and not friends.
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The other thing too that's hard about it is like taking your own
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bias into it, right? So for example, I have a bias
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of, I don't know, certain recovery programs working for
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people. And when somebody says that
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recovery program didn't work for me, my first thought I get, I
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get, I get filled up with anger where I'm like, did you, did it
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not work for you or did you not work for it?
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And usually it's you didn't work for it, right?
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But I, I kind of get defensive about that where and I forget
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that people just coming. I was talking to a guy today
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that was blaming everything but alcohol for his problems, right?
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I just need to move. I just need to go to Thailand.
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I just need to get out of Toronto.
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It's Toronto that's causing me this misery.
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When in fact, in reality, and this was my case too, I was
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blaming everybody else, pointing the finger when I should have
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been pointing the finger back. It's me that's the problem.
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It's me drinking alcohol that's the problem.
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All my problems related back to substances and alcohol, bar
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none. And then today that I'm sober,
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all my problems relate back to my thinking, not my drinking.
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I came in for my drinking. I stayed for my thinking because
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my thinking is still skewed. My perception is still skewed.
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I see the world with a blurry pair of glasses sometimes and I
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need to switch my pair of glasses and change my
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perception. I don't have problems today.
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I have perception issues. I have conscious.
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I have conscious disconnection from God, from spirituality,
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with my from myself. I see things from an anger
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perspective. I see things from a shame
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perspective. I see things from a fear
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perspective. Trauma lens, right?
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My problem today is my perspective.
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It's not the actual problem, right?
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And just one last thing to comment on with the, you know,
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social service addiction counselor lens is I have to
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decenter myself, right? I have to take my bias, my
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social location out of the equation.
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Sorry, I have to take my social, social location into the
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equation and remember that I'm coming from a white male,
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middle-aged perspective, which is typically the enemy in
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society, right in, in our capitalistic society.
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And I have to decenter my values, my ethics away from
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that. For example, if I'm dealing with
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someone that killed someone drunk driving and I have a
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problem with drunk driving, right?
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This is just an example. I, it's not specific to me.
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I have to see that person from an objective lens.
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I can't judge that person because they drank while driving
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their kids around, right? If I have a strong moral stance
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against that today, I have to decenter myself and put that
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over here, place my morals, my values in a different container
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and see that person for what it is.
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It's addiction and we're going to help treat it.
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That person is not a bad person because I don't agree with the
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things that they did, is essentially what I'm saying.
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The take away from this is you can care deeply without
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collapsing under the weight of someone else's struggle.
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All right next from Chubby's corner routine as a recovery
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tool so structure isn't boring. It's the backbone of stability,
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emotional regulation, and sobriety.
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Our brains crave unpredictability in addiction,
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so we need to train the recovery brain to it needs
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predictability. We need to build a routine of
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things that you know, I always say building small wins, doing
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one thing at a time and proving to your brain that you can do
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hard things. You can build dopamine naturally
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by accomplishing tasks, cleaning your house, making your bed,
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doing the dishes, whatever it may be for you.
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So I have my recovery pillars and my morning and evening
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routine. So every morning I wake up, I
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pray, you know, I tell, I talk to God, whatever your God is.
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I'm not really remember, I'm not religious, I'm spiritual.
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Big difference. Religion is for people who are
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scared to go to hell and spirituality is for people that
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have been to hell and don't want to go back.
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I've been to hell motherfuckers, and I'm sure a lot of you have
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too. It's not ideal.
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I choose to be on this side, but so I say a prayer every morning,
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I journal out three, one to three pages of just free
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handwriting of what's on my mind.
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It helps with creativity. It also helps get the shit out
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of my head, but that's important for me.
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And then I do a meditation sometimes, not every morning,
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but I'll do a 15 minute meditation where I'll just
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breathe and listen. And then I start my day.
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I try to get outside and do some sort of fitness.
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You know, I haven't gone to the gym today, which is on my To Do
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List, but that's a part of it. Routine can reduce cravings and
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impulsive decisions, and it also just keeps you accountable,
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right? I feel good when I take off the
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boxes of my To Do List. So recovery pillars for me,
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sleep, nutrition, right, eating Whole Foods, movement,
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connection, reflection, that simple.
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There's non negotiables in my life today.
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Like, you know, doing my recovery program, going to
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meetings and then journaling is another one.
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Prayer is another non negotiable.
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These are all things that you have to, you know, make an
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agreement with yourself. What are the non negotiables in
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my recovery that keep me sober today that I need to do without
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negotiation? It might be working out for you
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for a long time. It was for me too.
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Routine protects you key take away here.
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Routine protects you from chaos and builds the environment where
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recovery can thrive. All right, next from Jewel zone,
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my friend, my good friend, OG listener, day one listener
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Julie, when a loved one returns home.
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How families can support recovery.
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So families don't cause addiction, but they do play a
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powerful role in supporting recovery.
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Very powerful with boundaries and education.
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All right, next, addiction principles that apply to
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everyday life. So for people that don't
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struggle with addiction, there's a lot of them.
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Skills learned in recovery aren't just for staying sober.
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They make you a better Co worker, partner, leader and
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human. So one of my favourites.
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One day at a time. This is a mantra.
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I have it on my bracelet here. But it's a reminder to live in
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today and that my problems aren't real problems.
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Like I said, they're just perspective problems.
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I think I have a problem and that made sound easy coming from
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someone that's has privilege like myself.
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But I found it true to be true with everybody, right?
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If I have financial problems, like legitimate financial
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problems, which I do, I have had and I have struggled with,
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there's a way to get out of them.
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And sitting in the problem and worrying about not having enough
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money does not benefit it at all, right?
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So my problem now lies with the fact that I'm trying to control
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it in the moment. That is my problem.
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My problem is not the not having money, it's my need to fix it in
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the moment that's causing me anguish, that's causing me
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suffering, right? Pain is inevitable in life.
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Suffering is optional. I don't need to dwell on things.
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I can let them go and do one thing at a time.
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I can pay off one credit card at a time so that slowly but surely
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the problem lessons and lessons and then my relationship with
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the with the problem isn't as great.
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It's I'm looking at it from a different lens.
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It's I'm currently recuperating my financial situation.
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That's it. I am working on it one day at a
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time. I don't need to stress about it
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right now. God, higher power, whatever,
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hold on to this. Work on this for now.
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And I find when I do that, I'll come back to you.
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When I do that and I let it go, I'll turn it over.
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I surrender the problem. The solution comes when I'm not
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expecting it, right? It comes in the quiet moments
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when I'm talking to a friend or I'm watching a YouTube video.
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The solution just appears, hey, pay off your credit card minimum
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payments for now. Hey, pay off your smallest debt
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so that you feel good about it and then move on from there to
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just examples, emotional regulation and conflict.
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This is another good recovery tool that can be used for
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everybody. So when I am being run on
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emotion, I'm a self will run riot, right?
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I'm in fear. I am, I don't know, I am in
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anger. To be able to notice those
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things, to journal about them in the morning and then notice them
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as they come up. I can pause before I react.
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Pausing before you react is probably one of the greatest
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life skills anybody can use. I don't need to react in the way
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I want to react right now. I can pause.
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I can think about it. I can count to 5 sometimes.
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I can breathe, you know, breath. Be my first answer when
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someone's yelling at me. If I my first answer is, that's
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my first word out of my mouth. Things generally go better for
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me. I can notice the emotion coming
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up in me like, oh man, I'm getting really angry at this guy
21:11
right now. What is that about?
21:13
You know, I don't, maybe I don't need to punch him in the face or
21:15
react or freak out. Maybe I can just breathe and sit
21:19
with this for a second and then respond in a productive way so
21:23
that I don't have a new enemy in my life or I don't burn a
21:26
bridge. You know, nobody ever regrets
21:29
not getting into a fight. You know, people always regret
21:33
getting into a fight. In my experience at least, I do
21:37
all right. Another skill is radical
21:39
accountability. So owning your part in
21:41
everything. This is a big one in recovery
21:43
too, where it's like, maybe it wasn't my wife's fault that I
21:47
was drinking all the time. Maybe it wasn't my boss's fault
21:51
that I had a shitty life. Maybe I could have changed that
21:54
and I chose not to, right? What you don't change, you are
21:58
now choosing. I love that quote, right?
22:00
What I don't, what I'm not changing, I am now choosing.
22:04
I have a part in everything. You know, one of the parts of
22:07
recovery program is seeing your part in your resentment.
22:12
So if I'm resenting my dog, I'm resenting my that's not a good
22:16
one. If I'm resenting my partner, I'm
22:19
resenting my parents. What is my part in it?
22:21
Well, was I inconsiderate? Could I have reached out to them
22:24
more? Could I have, you know, gone for
22:27
dinner there more? Could I have listened more?
22:29
Was I only thinking about me? Was I selfish?
22:32
Was I only thinking about what I could get out of all, every
22:35
situation? Generally you can take off one
22:37
of those boxes, right? And so it's like, maybe I have a
22:40
part in this, you know, I didn't, it's not necessarily my
22:43
fault, but I have a part in everything.
22:46
Oh, that's a good one. Recognizing triggers as
22:48
workplace stress indicators, right.
22:50
So we can get triggered emotions, but you know, with our
22:53
emotions, right? So people that don't struggle
22:56
with addiction necessarily, maybe they get triggered at work
22:59
by their boss that keeps telling them to do something they don't
23:02
want to do or keeps yelling at them.
23:04
And that brings up a trauma stress trigger, right, where
23:07
you're like or a fear of abandonment because your boss
23:10
doesn't tell you how good you're doing.
23:12
You know, you may be experienced as a kid, as a child, your
23:16
parents never commended you for doing things.
23:19
They never gave you any attaboys.
23:20
And now that's what you look for.
23:22
Recognizing that, that I look for external validation.
23:25
And when I don't get it, I get triggered at work and I freak
23:27
out and I do a bad job or I get fired or I get put on
23:32
performance improvement plans. Very important.
23:35
So another set of tools, communication, empathy, patience
23:38
and boundaries, right? We already talked a little bit
23:40
about boundaries, so I won't go into detail about that, but you
23:44
can set boundaries in your life with anybody, right?
23:46
That you don't have to be a drug addict or alcoholic or a trauma
23:49
survivor to set boundaries. They're healthy things.
23:52
They bring relationships closer together.
23:54
They build relationships, they strengthen relationships.
23:57
And then, yeah, like communication.
24:00
I think majority of problems, conflicts in life today are lack
24:04
of communication. That's just my opinion.
24:06
Typically when there's a disagreement or adversity, it's
24:09
because I haven't communicated how I felt with somebody right?
24:13
And using I statements is another big tool.
24:15
I feel hurt when you constantly call me an asshole.
24:19
I feel hurt when you don't. You know I feel sad when you
24:22
don't do the dishes or you don't clean up after yourself.
24:25
It affects me negatively. Not you're an asshole.
24:28
Do the dishes more or you never do the dishes.
24:31
It's I feel fearful when you keep drinking.
24:34
I feel upset when you ignore me or you don't cuddle me, whatever
24:39
it is eye statements. Yeah, my recovery program
24:42
definitely enhanced my professional life, right?
24:45
It made me a better manager because it made me, you know,
24:48
when I was managing A-Team, it made me realize that I have to
24:52
treat people like people and in recovery, that's what I do
24:55
today. I I lead with empathy, or I try
24:57
to at least is empathy for me is seeing the footsteps of
25:02
everybody's life to, you know, their, where they got to today
25:05
and also what they're dealing with today.
25:06
So not just empathizing with something that happened to them
25:10
now or in the moment, but empathizing with their entire
25:13
life story. So maybe they were marginalized
25:15
or they were discriminated against.
25:17
It's living trying to put yourself in that perspective and
25:21
understanding that maybe that guy is robbing a convenience
25:24
store because he was brought up in a terrible environment and
25:28
all he could do to get money was steal, or maybe his dad was
25:31
stealing, or maybe his dad was an alcoholic, Right?
25:33
It's understanding. You're not.
25:35
You're understanding what has brought them to this point.
25:38
You're humanizing it. You're seeing putting themselves
25:41
in your shoe, in their shoes. But yeah, recovery has
25:44
definitely benefited all aspects of my life.
25:46
It's made me a better brother. It's made me a better son.
25:49
Not perfect, you know, It's definitely work in progress, but
25:52
it has enhanced my relationships, bar none.
25:55
You know, it has given me a Peace of Mind today that I don't
25:58
need to worry about my financial problems in this moment because
26:01
there's nothing I can do about it in this moment anyways.
26:04
I can do these small things, turn the results over to the
26:06
universe. Focus on inputs and not outputs
26:09
lot of transferable skills for everybody All right, I think
26:12
that's it for today's episode. So I like doing the Q&A ones if
26:16
you have any topics or questions you want to ask me, please reach
26:19
out to me on Instagram or YouTube.
26:22
Again, it's recovering at recovering out loud pod at
26:26
recovering out loud pod. Follow me, message me and give
26:31
me some suggestions for topics. I really enjoy doing these.
26:34
I'm in the studio today and you know, putting in work
26:37
consistency, right? I'm not getting the results that
26:40
I thought I deserve to get or should be getting.
26:44
Should is such a dangerous word in in recovery.
26:47
That's OK. I'm going to keep showing up and
26:49
putting out this this free content for anyone that it might
26:52
help. And if it does help you follow
26:54
like subscribe rate the podcast. That's the best repayment I can
26:59
get. This is all free.
27:01
All this stuff was freely given to me, freely talk to me, and I
27:05
enjoy doing it. So thanks for listening guys.
27:08
I look forward to the next one. And I appreciate if no one's
27:11
told you this today. I love you.