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WHEN GRIEF KILLS YOUR SEX DRIVE (WHAT NOBODY TALKS ABOUT) · Erotic Spirit Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: And it's okay to be messy, it's okay to not be having sex, it's okay to want to communicate that you want to have sex because for some people they know that that's really sex is connection, and so they want to connect and someone else wants to disconnect.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: And it's finding the balance in the middle ground of what that truly means and allowing slowness of that part of your life to come back in, knowing that it may not come in the next day and overnight, but not letting it be an elephant in the room.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Erotic Spirit Podcast.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: My name is Jenna Lee, and this is where embodiment, sexuality, and spirituality meet.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: What if grief is not the real reason why you don't want to be intimate or have sex with your partner?
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: What if there's a deeper part to intimacy in itself and our pain and being witnessed that really hold you back?
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: So today I'm talking about that.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: And if you stick around, I'll help support you if you are the partner or if you're the person going through grief, and what you can maybe do to move through that.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: First, I where I want to start is what is grief?
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: And the big thing here too is always getting support.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: And when we're going through life transitions, I see grief as a life transition.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: I see grief as a loss of a person, a job.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: It could be some big life transition.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: It could be you're healing through something and you feel like you're finally grieving that part of you or the part of you that you felt had to survive.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're going through a big life transition, always know that you have support.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel that sometimes when when we're in relationship, whether that's even friendship or, you know, your partner, whatever that is, we sometimes feel like that person needs to be everything.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: And not that they can't be, but also I find that support through therapy, through counseling, through other areas of our life to lean on really help with the balance.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're struggling, always, always look to see who can support you.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: You are worthy of that support.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: And grief, getting back into grief, grief can be one of the most disabling or dismantling spaces in a when it comes to uh sex and intimacy.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I find that it's much deeper than actually sex.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't necessarily feel like people have sex and are intimate just because of the act.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's connection in these areas bring up deep parts of ourselves.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: And and it becomes much more than that when we feel disconnected through a life transition.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: If we feel disconnected because we lost the job.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: And if you lost the job, you might not be feeling worthy.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: You might have attached value to that.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: And so there could then easily be disconnect through your intimate life.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so I get it.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: I get it.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll share a bit of my story.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: I've been on both sides of it in a partnership.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: I've been on a side where I was the partner where my person was going through loss, loss of a person that was very close to them.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: And so I've been on that side, and then I've been on the side of uh losing myself.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: I've lost job, uh, you know, I've lost a job before in that experience where I had again attached my value to that.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: And that was a huge life transition.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: And then a really big part of my journey where I found that sex completely stopped was when I was grieving over this remembrance of being sexually abused when I was younger.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: And when I was in partnership, there were a lot of things that were coming up for me as reminders, but there hit a point in time where I was grieving this childhood.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: I was grieving who I thought I had to be as I was growing up, or that I needed to, or that I felt that I wasn't protected.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: I was grieving all of these things.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, I did not feel like having sex.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: It just was, it was not on my mind.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: But when I made it to the other side, and as I reflect back, I see that it was so much more than what meets the surface.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: For me, whether it's grief of that or something else, it's about, it was about this disassociation from pain.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I was in pain of all of these ideas, all these concepts, my my worth.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: I was thinking about what my worth was.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I find that that experience, that disassociation, that disconnect, I want to numb out on everything.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll share, I really feel like it's re it's okay to be fucking human.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay to want to just be with yourself and not have to feel like you have to do anything.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: And that is my biggest, one of my biggest takeaways is we go through things in life, we ebb and flow, and we have seasons where things are just so much.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you know, maybe you have kids, maybe you have a really demanding job at that point in time.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe, you know, grief on top of all these things is just icing on the fucking cake.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: And so knowing that is okay.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: And then I also invite you into the possibility that you can take a step in a new direction to move the energy.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's what I call really shifting the energy and perspective of that when when you're going through grief, you could feel like you're in a hole.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: I did.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: I felt like I was in a hole and I didn't know how to climb out of it.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where some of this energy can become stagnant.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Or one of the things I noticed was while the elephant in the room was no communication around the fact that we weren't having sex.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: And it and it was because I feel like there was guilt around the fact that, hey, I'm grieving, I'm going through this, or or they're grieving, they're going through this.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I feel guilty in even having the conversation, making it into something else.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so that is not really supportive to an environment that communicates from all spaces.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like there's a balance in compassion, but remembering that if you're in a relationship, that there's more than one person, and being able to communicate at a time that is that feels more balanced, really can be supportive to all.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because ultimately, what I found was that sex and intimacy is the deepest parts of connecting.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I found that sex and intimacy can be vulnerable, right?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: It can be like showing all of you to this person.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're grieving, you kind of feel like I did, you want to hold all your shit together.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want to let anything go.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: You wanna just be in control because you feel like you're out of control because there's loss somewhere.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, like, this is such a release, which having sex it can be such a release, can be such a shift in perspective and can be so deeply healing when we're vulnerable and we're connecting with someone that is holding space.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, being seen, it's like, oh gosh, this I'm being seen, and you can let go.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: But that can feel scary.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: It can feel scary to even be on the edge of thinking about that.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe it's not even a conscious thought.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think I I don't think I really ever thought of sex in that way, I'll be honest.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think it can be such a such a subconscious part.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I don't think a lot of people think, oh, this person is like really seeing the deepest parts of me and it can be so vulnerable and raw and emotional that I gotta hold it together.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: So this is just a perspective shift, it's just something that can offer you something new.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't mean all any or all of it is is right.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: It is just an opportunity to see like how can I shift this energy?
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: I love shifting energy through movement, I love shifting it through breath, and I love really now sitting with myself in anything uncomfortable, which is what I was avoiding in the first place.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: This is what I was really avoiding, and I've learned to sit in that space and be with it.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: This podcast is sponsored by My Awakening Within.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: If you are looking for some sort of practice to drop into your pleasure, to reconnect to your body, to start to build and cultivate safety from within, join me on this online self-guided journey where you will start to learn breathwork techniques, emotional release practices, and start to build this foundation of safety and security from a place of presence.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: So join me online, myAwakeningWithin.com or linked in the show notes.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: If I let my partner hold space for me, it's because I've learned it myself.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: I've learned a little bit of it.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: And being able to say, okay, what can I do for me?
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: What can I show up for me that can witness me at this time, that is not bypassing, that is not taking grief out of it, that is really still about me and my process.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: And that solo time I find is really important.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: I do it through dance.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: I dance, I dance every day.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: But I find in in times where my mind is running more, how do I get in my body?
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: How do I break the loop and honor what's moving through?
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: And the emotions want to move through.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: But my mind may have been preoccupied on all these other things, all the reasons why things are happening, why is it happening to me?
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: And instead of actually feeling that true grief and feeling that emotion and feeling all the other emotions that come up with it, anger, fucking angry that this shit is happening, and actually really letting that be.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: That is to me what embodiment is accepting all parts of me, and it could be messy.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: We we sometimes don't want to be messy, and I think grief gives us that chance to be messy and be witnessed in that, be witnessed in that space.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: So I have solo time, right?
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: And then I have time with my partner, or really what I'll share before I get there is now that I'm holding space for myself, I can start to let someone else hold that space.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: I believe from from my experience that I had an emotional numbness or disconnect from the outside world because of some of the trauma I went through.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't really feel I wasn't held through that trauma.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't held through that pain.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the deeper part of trauma is not only the experience, but who is there or not there for us in that time.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because trauma will always happen in life.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone goes through something, it's where are we being met?
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Is there emotional availability to meet us?
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I find those experiences when we're younger really transfer over into adult.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why I say, first, is how do I meet myself?
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: And when I learn to meet myself, I can I find that it's easier to let someone meet me and see me because maybe someone didn't see me when I was younger through that grief, and finally letting partner, friend, whoever it is, finally see me.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: And so getting into sex and sexuality and and how all this really unfolds with partner.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you are, I would say it's actually both.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: If you are someone who is going through it, or your partner is, one thing I would really invite you is allowing pause, allowing communication.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: Don't let it be an elephant in the room.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, there's a time, there's like definitely a time to not say things.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you're you're at a funeral, uh, and that's probably not a good time to bring it up, right?
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: But there comes a time where it's really stops, it needs to stop being about feeling guilty and just being expressive into what is the depth behind sex, and that's intimacy and that's connection.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: And how can we get back to that space?
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I find that receiving is can be really challenging when you're going through grief.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, maybe it's different types of grief, but I think it's all.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's like, why did this happen to me?
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and and that that shame can be coming in, like it maybe you lost a job and you're like, well, I my value was with that job, which is a whole other topic.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: And so um now it's become about, well, I don't really feel worthy of receiving right from my partner.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so I invite you into communicating and expressing any needs.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like, first, it's like, what do you need?
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like just being there and asking the question.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like it's one of those grief can be one of those topics, also, that people don't know what the fuck to do.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, I don't know how to help you.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: Ask.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: Ask.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: And it gives the person who's going through the grief an opportunity to really think about it.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: But also, I'm not gonna lie, sometimes it's like, I don't fucking know.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: I can't think right now.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what I want, I don't know what I need.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's where you can come together with your partner and just like what could be self-care spaces.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's not about sex, it's about connection.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's massage, right?
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's like being able to connect through touch.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's cuddling, maybe it's being held or hugs, right?
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: More hugs and longer hugs.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get into longer hugs.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: I think the science says if you hug 20 seconds, you start to release oxytocin.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's feel-good hormones.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: Well, if you're grieving, I mean, the feel-good hormones can only be supportive.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: So these these little what feels like little things can really build up.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: And what I invite in is like, make a list, make a list of these things.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: Have 10 things in in the list.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: And it and it's like, okay, well, what is it?
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: What is it that that we want to do right now to um, you know, so I can share in a space and see you right now.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what it's about.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I find that the person that's grieving or or being someone who's gone through this, that just being seen as as the truth of it and connecting and wanting to be witnessed and actually being witnessed and seen and feeling that being held is there, that the rest of it feels like it it can come and and it can get there.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: And the the sex can come back, but it's much right, we it's much deeper than the sex.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like when if you're the person who is the one that's grieving, one of the big things to go through and move through is that receiving process.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like breathe through it.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, breathe through it, pause, get support, have support outside of your most immediate relationship, uh, whoever that is.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: And if that's you know, a partner or or you're seeing someone, or even if you're not, having multiple sources so that you're you're in balance of community.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: And even if that means counseling.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: And then uh I feel like also that a partner as well, if you're the one who's indirectly going through grief, uh, maybe you're going through it together.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: But um if you're indirectly going through it, um, support as well.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: And finding that what's the middle ground?
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: I also feel that when two people are grieving together, maybe it's a loss of a loved one or a miscarriage or something that is just grieving together.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's how how can we show up for each other?
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: That is more than sex.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's it's about that vulnerability.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's about fuck, losing, leaving the control over there and being messy and being human together, seeing, seeing the mirror of the humanness in each other and letting that activate permission.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: For the other person to be messy.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: Again, it's okay.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I have to say that one again.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay to be messy.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay to not be having sex.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay to want to communicate that you want to have sex.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: Because for some people, that um they know that that's really sex is connection.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: And so they want to connect and someone else wants to uh disconnect.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: And it's finding the balance in the middle ground of what that truly means and allowing slowness of that part of your life to come back in, knowing that it may not come in the next day and overnight.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: But not letting it be an elephant in the room, not letting it be something that builds and builds and builds.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: And before you know it, it's uh six months later, and you're like, I have no idea where to begin.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are there right now, that is still okay because you can still do these things, all of them.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: Finding support, you can slowly build your connection again, and these practices don't go away.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I I've talked about before, and I love to bring it in in case you're new.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like being able to sit with someone and eye gaze and really let it be about that moment and the present moment is really what it's all about.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: Anyways, what good sex is about is presence.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's not the outcome of orgasm.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's really being in that space with someone where you can truly be present, truly see them for what is happening.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: And so eye-gazing, sitting in that space, holding hands, right?
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: Touching, can get into a juicy yab yum position, which if you Google it, you'll get, you'll probably get a better description than what I can share.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: But uh usually it's it's one partner that's sitting um cross-legged, and the other one sits directly or can, yeah, sits directly in in between their legs.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um, sometimes it's it's really close on top of legs, or sometimes it's it's in the middle.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_00: So check it out.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure you give it a look so my descriptions can uh be a little bit more more supportive.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: And so I I want to leave you with this.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: I want to leave you with your humanness is perfect, your messiness is fucking perfect, and it it's okay to let go of control.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe grieving doesn't seem supportive of that because you had no control over whatever the loss was, but you do have control over how you move through the world, and you can decide to let someone in, or you can decide to leave them out, and that doesn't need to equal sex, but you can include that, you can let that be part of your life, of your connection, of your intimacy, and know that it's safe to be seen and met and be emotional, and you can receive all that you deserve.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_00: It is you knowing you're deserving and worthy of it, and choosing the experiences that mirror that.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll leave you with that.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: If you have enjoyed today's episode, give it a follow, subscribe.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for tuning in to Erotic Spirit Podcast, and bye for now.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for hanging with us today.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you find value in this podcast, please like, subscribe, and share.