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Why You Might Feel Guilty After Leaving an abuser · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  What is going on? Beautiful people.
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  Lee Hammock, your favorite diagnosed self aware narcissist
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  here with another episode today. First time I see in my face to
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  hear my voice. I have MPD, narcissistic
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  personality disorder, and I use my platform to raise awareness
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  and open people's eyes to what could be going on behind the
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  scenes. Right today we're talking about
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  the feeling that keeps thousands of people stuck in toxic
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  relationship dynamics. The millions of people paralyzed
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  in a in a waiting room for years after a relationship with a
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  narcissist ends. Like just imagine it's like
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  you're finally out. You might even be divorced,
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  separated, whatever. You're at dinner with somebody
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  new. Like you're thinking about
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  downloading a dating app. Like it's just like you're
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  chilling. Then all of a sudden your
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  stomach drops. You get this feeling in a pity,
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  your stomach. What is it?
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  You, you, you are out of nowhere.
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  You start feeling like you like you've done something wrong.
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  You feel like you bought a get caught.
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  You feel like you're cheating on your old relationship partner
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  who you're no longer with, who you might be no contact with,
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  who you might not have spoken to in the whole year.
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  Like why does it feel like you're betraying someone you're
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  no longer with right? Why does it feel like betrayal
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  to live your life to the fullest extent right now?
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  Like when they have already moved on, when they might be
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  married or have 10 other relationships since you got it
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  started talking about getting into one.
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  That's what we're talking about today, y'all?
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  Today I'm going to tell you exactly why from the perspective
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  of someone diagnosed with NPD, the person that might have hurt
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  you like that type of stuff right there.
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  So to start it off right, in a, in a narcissist's mind, they
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  don't look at breakups the same way you do.
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  I don't view the relationship ending the same way you do,
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  right? Like to you a breakup is a sad
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  ending. Like it's it's, it's closing the
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  chapter, it's doing this, it's moving.
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  It's kind of like a movie movie, right?
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  You're ending a partnership to a narcissist.
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  They're losing control. They're losing like an asset, so
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  to speak, right? So in a narcissist mind, they
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  don't just date you. If they look at you as an asset,
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  they acquire you, don't they? Right.
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  You were like, you were not a person with autonomy that you
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  might have came into the relationship with autonomy, but
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  you won't be in a relationship with a narcissist with full
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  bodily mental autonomy. That's not how it works, right?
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  Narcissistic people view you as a resource, and just because
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  they're not using that resource anymore, it doesn't mean they're
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  OK with somebody else doing it. So imagine being in a
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  relationship like something about like this.
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  If I have a toy sitting on the shelf and somebody else is
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  playing with that toy, it's still my toy, right?
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  I still have ownership over that toy.
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  If I have a car, a nice car sitting in the garage, it's
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  still mine. The title and the deed still
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  have my name on it, right? So I don't want anybody else
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  driving that whip. I don't want anybody else
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  playing with that car. It's still ownership.
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  It's still mine. You're still mine.
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  You still and the narcissist mine, you still belong to them.
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  So they're trying to convince you of such.
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  So when you're in a relationship with them, they try to convince
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  you that nobody else can have you, your mind regardless.
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  They try to lower yourself esteem.
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  They attack you internally, externally, they do a lot of
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  different things to your mind. That's what narcissists want to
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  do. So when you start moving on,
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  you're not finding happiness in my eyes, like you're stealing
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  property. So narcissistic people are going
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  to convince you that you're cheating on them, right?
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  They like throughout the relationship, they're slowly
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  programming you, right? They're slowly programming you
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  and and trying to make it, trying to implant this thought
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  process within you. So like, think back like close
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  your eyes real quick, right? We're going to do a little
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  exercise. We're going to do a little Zen
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  exercise, do some ohms. We're about to do narcissistic
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  yoga. No, I was joking.
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  Think back to the relationship, y'all.
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  How many times did that narcissist accuse you of
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  cheating when you were just going to the grocery store or to
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  the gym or walking around the block or taking the kids to
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  school? Like how many times or going out
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  with your friends? How many times is you cheating
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  on me? Didn't you whole time they were
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  cheating? That's that's neither here nor
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  there, right? That's neither here nor there.
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  How many times did the narcissist look through your
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  phone because you were acting suspicious?
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  You dressed nice, you started working out.
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  How many times, right? The narcissist probably spent
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  the entire relationship projecting their own behavior
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  onto you, making it seem like you were doing the stuff that
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  they were actually doing. They're actually doing it, but
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  they're accusing you of doing it, which is projection,
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  one-on-one. So they're going through your
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  phone accusing you of cheating whole time.
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  They're cheating, right? But it programs you to just be
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  on the lookout, programs you to look like I know somebody all
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  going to somebody all going to vibe with this.
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  It programs you to walk with your head down because the
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  narcissist said you were eye eye banging the person.
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  So you got to walk with your head now, right?
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  You can't even look up and make eye contact with nobody anymore
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  because now they say you're violating the boundary, right?
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  They want you in a cage. They want you walking down with
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  your head down with your eyes closed.
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  They want to be leading you because the whole time they're
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  doing it, that programming, it went, yeah, I'm thinking about
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  it, this laying out like this, that programming could have went
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  on for a very long time. It could been going on for
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  years, years, decades even. So just because the relationship
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  stops doesn't mean the programming stops.
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  You've been programmed to think that you that doing anything for
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  yourself is cheating. Doing any.
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  So you feel guilty for doing anything for yourself.
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  You used to feel guilty by going to the store.
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  So being on a date with somebody else.
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  Yeah. You going to feel guilty
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  downloading the dating app? Oh, they used to go through my
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  phone. I got to hide the dating app.
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  Why? You were single.
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  You by yourself now, right? You still going to feel bad?
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  Like it's crazy. So you're like in your brain
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  when you're sitting across the dinner table for somebody that
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  you might actually like, right. Your brain is still wired to to
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  anticipate the narcissistic rage or their disappointment or their
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  accusations. Now you're actually doing it.
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  They they were right. I am cheating like you're
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  sitting at the dinner table with a new person and your your
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  nervous system is literally waiting for that narcissistic
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  person to bust down the door and catch you.
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  You aren't cheating on a person y'all.
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  You're not violating their rules.
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  This is a programming. As y'all know, reprogramming
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  does take time. It does.
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  It's not an overnight thing where you're going to feel
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  better tomorrow. Being reprogrammed takes time,
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  it takes effort, it takes energy, you know what I mean?
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  To a narcissist, always in a lot of times, even though they're in
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  a new relationship, they're still reaching out to you,
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  they're still hoovering you, they're still contacting you.
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  So yeah, you're going to feel like you're cheating if you are
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  not fully healed, you're going to feel like you're feel fool,
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  feel like you're cheating because they're still contacting
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  you. They're still in there, they're
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  still around you some way, shape or form, you know what I mean?
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  They started, they're still remnants of this smear campaign
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  going on, you see? So you just because you're not
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  with me doesn't mean that they're not going to be doing
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  things to you. So like I said, narcissists put
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  you in the waiting room, they put you in the recycling bin
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  because they might come back. Like the reason narcissists want
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  you to feel guilty is because it keeps them able to come back
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  into your life no matter how long they've been gone.
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  It keeps, it keeps giving them the ability in their minds to
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  come back when they want to come back.
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  So think about like that, like if I can make you feel like you
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  owe me your loyalty even after the relationship ends and I'm
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  with somebody else, I know exactly where to find you when
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  the new supply runs dry. So if this new relationship goes
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  to hell, I put you in the waiting room.
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  I don't put you in the recycling bin.
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  I got you literally where I want you.
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  I absolutely do. So that's what narcissists do.
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  They want you to be there waiting on them.
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  So when you or your friends finally told you it's time to
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  move on, you finally convinced yourself it's time to move on.
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  Of course you're going to feel a certain type of way and that
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  makes sense. So in your mind.
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  So overall, moving on is the ultimate act of defiance.
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  It tells the narcissist, you don't own me anymore.
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  So there sometimes if they find out you're on a date with
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  somebody else, they're going to accuse you.
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  They're going to actually accuse you because you being with
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  somebody else. You download an app.
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  One of the crazy thing about it is one of their friends might
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  have saw you on a dating app and sent it to them.
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  And then they reach out to you and just say, I knew it the
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  whole time. I knew it.
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  I knew it, I knew it. And then they got you mentally,
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  they got you mentally, they got you.
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  Don't let them take over control of your life.
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  Do not let them do that, right? You cannot betray somebody
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  you're no longer with y'all. You cannot do that.
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  I know. I know people want to leave.
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  OK, I got it. Now how do I stop feeling so
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  guilty? How do I just move on?
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  How do I realize that that their relationship contract is void
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  right now? How do I do that?
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  Think about like this. If the relationship is a isn't
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  agreed upon contract right? Which marriage can actually look
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  like the relationship if the relationship is a mutual
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  agreement? The moment you start, the moment
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  that narcissist started lying, the moment they started
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  gaslighting, the moment they started devaluing you, putting
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  their hands on you, cheating on you, doing all kinds of horrible
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  behaviors behaviors to you, they voided out there into the
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  bargain. They did that.
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  You didn't do anything right. You cannot be disloyal to a
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  ghost. You cannot betray someone who
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  has already betrayed the very foundation of your relationship.
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  You cannot betray somebody that has betrayed the foundation that
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  your relationship was built on. How the hell are you betraying
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  them? They betrayed you, but they try
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  to. Again, this is what projection
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  comes into play. They try to convince you that
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  you are the betrayer. You are betraying me.
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  So you got to think about it like this.
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  You are not their property. You are a person.
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  Your loyalty ended to them when the respect ended, when the
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  behave, the good behaviors ended.
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  The guilt is not a sign that you are a bad person.
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  Just let me hit this right here. Let me hit you with this, this,
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  this flame right here. The feeling guilty is not a sign
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  that you're a bad person. It's actually a sign that you
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  have a high level of empathy, a high level of integrity.
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  The problem is, the problem in lies there.
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  You're trying to give the integrity to someone who used it
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  as a weapon against you. You trying to give that empathy
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  to someone who used that, who weaponized that against you.
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  And that's why you feel the way that you feel.
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  You are not a bad person. You're healing, you're growing,
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  you're going to be OK, you're going to feel OK.
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  It just takes time. I promise you.
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  It takes time to feel OK. It takes time to be OK.
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  It takes time, effort, energy and love to get to the point
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  where you want to get to. And you absolutely can get
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  there. You absolutely will get there.
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  It just, it just takes a little bit time.
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  Y'all seriously? You think my life is out?
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  In conclusion, if you're struggling to break the
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• 11:08
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• 11:20
  a link in the description Mental illness.net.
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  text message coaching text message coaching coming up
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  pretty soon as well, y'all, but hit that subscribe button if you
• 11:57
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• 11:59
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• 12:01
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  Pay it for it. Peace.