Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Mother's Day After Divorce or When A Marriage Feels Hard

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Mother's Day After Divorce or When A Marriage Feels Hard · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the Podcast.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartmann, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: In thoughtful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the World Tree people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to today's episode of the podcast, and today I'm going to talk about Mother's Day, all about Mother's Day, yes, of course, after divorce, but also Mother's Day when a marriage feels hard or challenging, perhaps when you know you really want to leave or the relationship's over.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: But there's still a whole mix of emotions that days like this bring up.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: There's the sadness that we couldn't all be together, but mostly that deep longing to be with my children on a day that should be all about me, is what she said.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: And that's true for so many mums, so many mums and kids who are navigating Mother's Day after divorce.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's not the picture perfect holiday that we see splashed across social media or in the media.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we're bombarded when go into the even just into the supermarket and you're smashed with all these messages about Mother's Day and how it should in inverted commas look.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: And that can be really triggering when your family doesn't look like how it should in inverted commas look.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's a nuanced, complicated landscape of emotions.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: There's nostalgia and grief for what was, what once was.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: There's a sort of ache or niggle about, you know, what could have been, all the what-ifs and what could have been or what should have been, what you thought it would be.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: And there is a really deep loneliness on Mother's Day if you are not with your kids.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: And even if you are with your kids, there can sometimes be this grief, sadness, loneliness, longing because you don't have that happy family, happy ever after story.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: And instead of, you know, anticipation of a happy day surrounded by loving kids, or if I'm really honest, like me, most years sort of a sort of quiet indifference.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not a big fan or I don't make a big fuss about Mother's Day, but instead of that anticipation and instead of the build-up with and for your kids, it can be, it can really trigger a whole range of complex feelings.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Longing for the family unit that once was, as I said earlier, maybe a tinge of resentment or bitterness or anger towards your ex-partner, your ex-spouse, or you know, deep sorrow, feeling disconnected from the traditional celebrations, the way you used to celebrate this particular day, the ways you you the way you'd spent past Mother's Days.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now, in coaching sessions, I often find I'm supporting clients through the challenges and complexities of significant days.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know, Mother's Day being just one.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: There's Father's Day, there's birthdays, there's Christmas, there's all the things.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: So whatever it is that's particular to your family, the those significant, important days, the traditions, the celebration days, bring up all the emotions and activate those tender wounds left by separation and divorce.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Even ones that you've done the work on, even ones that you thought were fully healed, can be triggered and opened by significant days like Mother's Day.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: And what I encourage my clients to do, and of course I'm now going to encourage you to do, is acknowledge it all, allow it all, don't make it wrong, just let it be what it is for you this year, this Mother's Day.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's your first Mother's Day as a single mum, whether you're still in a relationship or a marriage, just let it all come up.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Acknowledge all of it.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: The loss, the disappointment, the sadness, the grief.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Even if it was chosen by you, even if a separation and force was what you wanted, understand that there's layers and complexity and nuance, right?
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: So acknowledge all of what comes up and allow it all to rise and allow it all to be seen and heard and felt.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: And then refocus on the future.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Anchor into the strength that you have shown to make this decision or to move through the hard parts if the decision wasn't yours, even if it was yours to move through the hard parts, you know, and then the independence and resilience that have come with making the hard decisions, doing the hard things, and rebuilding your life post-separation, post-divorce.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: I really feel that navigating Mother's Day after divorce requires a real balance, a delicate balance of honouring the past while embracing the present and also looking forward to the future.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: And it is about finding new or different ways to celebrate motherhood, whether it's cherishing the moments you do have with your children, if they're not with you on the on the actual day, even if that is not, even if you celebrate not on the day itself, honoring your own journey as a mother, as a parent, and practicing really deep self-care amidst all of the big emotions that come up.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: So celebrating your choosing of you as a woman, as a mother, the lessons you're teaching your children as a strong, independent, independent woman who has full control, full agency over her own life.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: And for the dads, for the dads doing Mother's Day as a solo parent this year, maybe for the first time.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: I wonder how are you supporting your children through it, especially if they won't see their mum on Mother's Day, on Sunday, and yourself, you know, maybe this day brings up all the big emotions for you too.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Sadness, you're not all together anymore, even if you know it's for the best, even if it was something that you chose.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe some confusion, how to navigate this particular day with the woman who is the mother of your kids, but no longer your life partner or your wife?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: And what if you're a bit further down the track and you've got a new partner who is also a mum?
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: Kids that you have to to kids you have together or her own kids, how to navigate all of that?
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: It can be complex and messy, right?
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Can you, whether you're a mum or a dad, can you find ways to honour all of the mothers in your life?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are a dad, separated, divorced from the mother of your kids, how can you put your kids at the center of a day that really is about families and mums?
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: How can you put your kids at the center of that?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I wonder what you want them to see or learn from the way you navigate this day.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: You know, do you want them to learn generosity and appreciation and kindness and compassion or dismissal minimization?
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: They are really watching and learning how you navigate this and how you treat and respect and honour their mum in a way, well, really how you support them to honour their mum is what I'm trying to say.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: My kids are now old enough to organise themselves for these significant days for the most part birthdays, Christmas, Father's Day, Mother's Day.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: But as their parents, we do still help out from time to time.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I know, I know that this year their dad helped financially, which is so very lovely and very much appreciated by me, but also it's seen and appreciated by our kids.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: They know that as their parents, we've got their back in helping them honour their other parent, whether it be Mother's Day or Father's Day.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, he's after all the man who helped me become a mum, and so that goes both ways, right?
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: So to any of you, if Mother's Day feels tender or tricky or a little bittersweet for you this year, number one, know that you're not alone, and number two, know that it's perfectly okay.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, it's really normal to feel a whole range, a whole mix of emotions to you know, grieve or mourn what was lost while also embracing the opportunity for new beginnings and doing things differently.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Above all, do practice deep self-care if you are feeling activated or tender on or around this day.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: Remember to be gentle and kind to yourself, be as compassionate to yourself as you would be to one of your own kids when they feel sad or pulled off center or uncomfortable or activated.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: And don't forget, don't forget to acknowledge you and to celebrate you, your journey into motherhood and all that you give, all that you bring to, all that you teach and show your kids, including how to do hard things with grace and with love and with kindness.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, in closing, something to remember as you make the hard decisions or navigate some of the firsts of divorce, you know, maybe this is your first mother's day as a single mum.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: Remember that the single biggest predictor of whether children grow up to thrive is the quality of their mother's happiness.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to say that again.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: The single biggest predictor of whether children grow up to thrive is the quality of their mother's happiness.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: So try to find at least some happiness in your mother's day, however it looks for you this year.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: If you know a mum who is feeling tender about Mother's Day this year, if she's in a relationship that doesn't feel quite like she wants it to, if she's navigating separation, divorce, please share this with her so she knows she's not alone.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're a mum and you are celebrating or honouring Mother's Day this weekend, happy Mother's Day.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnall, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: Until then,