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S2E39 - Potty Training Power Struggles: What's Really Going On? · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

• 0:02
  You're listening to the
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  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 0:09
  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  I am answering a question from Claire,
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  and Claire
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  has
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  4 year old twins,
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  and her question is about their potty training and toileting.
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  And how to navigate the ebbs and flows of all of that.
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  So,
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  Claire,
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  thank you so much for the email.
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  I appreciate you writing in and,
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  and allowing me to share this with everyone.
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  So
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  this will be really helpful now you might
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  not have children in the toilet training stage,
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  but
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  this will still be helpful because it will
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  provide you with insight about children in general
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  and
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  currency and limits and all the things that are going to be involved in this,
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  so hang with me even if you don't have toilet training kids.
• 1:02
  So let me read parts of Claire's email and then we'll dive in together.
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  I'm really struggling with twins.
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  They are nearly 4.
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  They've been using the potty since 3 months old.
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  We've had them in pants since 2-ish,
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  as although they weren't fully toilet trained,
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  they were telling us when they needed to use the toilet and
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  were suffering with sore skin from grandparents not wiping away pee fully.
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  We've gone through periods of total dryness,
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  periods of only having one wet pair of pants a day,
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  and others of really wet pants.
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  I can't spot any really obvious pattern changes,
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  but I do struggle with consistency in my approach,
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  as sometimes I tell them to go to the toilet when it's obvious they need to
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  and periods where I try to let them decide.
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  I'm trying to remain neutral to accidents,
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  but I find it incredibly difficult as it is very clear
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  when they can feel the need to use the toilet.
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  This means that it feels to me they are deciding something else is more important.
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  I find it more challenging because I have to deal with
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  them racing each other to use the toilet in the house,
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  not going to the toilet quickly because they're
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  trying to stop their sibling from getting their toy
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  or various other twin related issues.
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  My current conundrum is I don't know how to harness
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  their currency as they tend to have two of everything
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  and do lots of things together.
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  I don't wanna take away reading time with dad at bedtime
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  as that feels like it's making time with dad conditional.
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  I can't take away books as that impacts the other,
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  and I don't know if taking a bedtime toy away would negatively impact sleep.
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  I'm feeling a bit lost with this,
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  very frustrated,
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  and not knowing what step to take next.
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  Any thoughts on the matter would be appreciated.
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  All right,
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  Claire,
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  so.
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  Let's
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  go back to basics.
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  I think one of the most encouraging things that
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  I typically say to parents is
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  this too shall pass.
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  Put the power of this too shall pass at work in your life.
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  And
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  your twins are not going to be having bathroom accidents forever.
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  So I think that this is a perspective shift that needs to take place.
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  Everything with parenting
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  is a temporary season.
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  And usually,
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  for better or worse,
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  as soon as we conquer the one thing that was the one thing in the one season,
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  we're immediately into another season with another thing.
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  So there really isn't ever a respite from the things,
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  right,
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  but we just go from one to the next to the next.
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  This is a season of
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  toileting,
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  but it won't be permanent.
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  So I think sometimes just putting that this too shall pass to work in your minds
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  will
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  alleviate some of the frustration.
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  This is temporary.
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  I,
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  I often,
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  I've had parents come into my office and say.
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  I mean,
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  we're still having to wear pull-ups at night and we're still having
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  accidents and they're 4 or 5 or whatever and I'm like,
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  your kid is not going to graduate high school
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  peeing themselves and wearing a pull up to sleep.
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  I promise.
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  OK,
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  so it's just perspective,
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  I think number one,
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  and I know you're in the throes of having 3 year
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  old twins and you know that is a lot to manage.
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  So sometimes perspective is helpful.
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  So I hope that that is a little bit of a perspective shift.
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  Secondly,
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  The fact that they have been using the toilet since 3 months old,
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  that is
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  almost unheard of,
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  and I know there are schools of thought on
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  infant using toilets,
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  etc.
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  but
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  generally speaking,
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  that is not standard
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  childhood pace.
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  So
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  although yours have been using the toilet since very young,
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  it's not consistently
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  developmentally appropriate
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  for kids that young to be using the toilet.
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  Most children are in diapers
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  through 3 or 4.
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  And if they're not in diapers through 3 or 4,
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  they're still having accidents in underwear at 3 and 4.
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  So I think we also have to keep in
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  mind age appropriate developmentally appropriate standards and expectations.
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  Your
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  children have been
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  using the toilet since they were very young,
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  but that doesn't mean that having an accident at 3
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  is wild and strange.
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  It's actually very within the normal range of 3 year old behavior.
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  And then as far as setting limits and having currency,
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  I think if we understand that this is developmentally appropriate.
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  I think that it warrants a different perspective
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  because I actually don't think that we need to use currency here.
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  I actually don't think that we need to set limits here.
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  This is age appropriate 3 year old behavior.
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  3 year olds still have accidents.
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  4 year olds still have accidents,
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  and sometimes
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  you are like,
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  what in the world is going on?
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  You haven't had an accident in a month and now you've had 3 in 3 days.
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  What is going on?
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  You have to keep in mind
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  several things.
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  Number one,
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  kids only have control over a handful of things.
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  Eating,
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  sleeping,
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  toileting behavior.
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  That's pretty much it.
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  So if a child needs or wants control.
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  Toileting is one of those things over which they have control.
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  They can refuse to go,
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  they can.
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  Go
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  where they're not supposed to,
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  they can go when they're not supposed to.
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  They can hold it,
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  they can refuse to go on the toilet,
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  they can refuse to
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  not be in a diaper,
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  whatever.
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  We have all kinds
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  of toileting power struggles
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  because there are only a handful of things over which kids have control.
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  I'm not saying that's true of your twins,
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  I'm just saying that is a consideration.
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  Another consideration
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  is that
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  somatic.
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  Sensations,
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  meaning anything related in the body physiologically
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  to emotions that the children are experiencing.
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  It is almost always related to
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  urinary and gastrointestinal function.
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  So,
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  when kids
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  get stressed,
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  when they're tired,
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  when their bodies are taxed,
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  when they've been emotional for positive or negative,
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  They are less likely to be able to regulate their bodily functions,
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  both urinary and gastrointestinal.
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  And I know you said you don't see any
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  clear
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  cues or clear reasons,
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  pattern changes,
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  whatever,
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  but maybe when they have accidents,
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  it's when they're at their most tired.
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  Maybe when they have accidents,
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  it's when they're at their most emotional.
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  Maybe they've had a really busy day and they
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  just don't have it in them to control their body
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  because a lot of it is somatic.
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  So there are all kinds of reasons why a child will have accidents,
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  and I don't think that it's purposeful.
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  I don't think they're deciding something else is more important.
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  I think this is just age appropriate
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  and understandable for 3 year olds
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  based on the somatic nature of things,
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  the control need of children
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  and the fact that they're 3.
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  So I would not set limits on this.
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  You can pseudo limit set,
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  however,
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  so here's what that would look like,
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  Claire.
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  You peed in your underwear,
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  but you know that
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  the toilet is for peeing in.
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  Notice that it's calm,
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  it's neutral.
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  It's a pseudo limit.
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  They do know that the toilet is for peeing in.
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  So you remind them of that,
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  but there are no alternatives offered.
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  There are no choices provided.
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  Why?
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  Because you just want to remind them that that's the expectation.
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  They already know,
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  it's just a reminder,
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  so notice that we said,
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  you know that the toilet is for peeing in.
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  We don't necessarily want to set a limit on a behavior that a child
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  doesn't have a lot of control over and or that we can't pinpoint cause.
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  If you could clearly say
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  it is because of this,
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  it is when this,
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  it is,
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  you know,
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  related to this,
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  then we might potentially want to set a limit,
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  but without cause
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  we just want to make it known what the expectation is.
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  And as far as your insight about not taking away reading
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  with dad at bedtime because it makes time with dad conditional,
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  that is really,
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  really insightful,
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  really helpful and really on target.
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  We would never use a relationship
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  as a currency
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  in any situation.
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  Because that relationship is
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  unconditionally loved,
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  unconditionally accepted.
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  And so that time is important regardless of behavior.
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  You can't earn dad's love,
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  you can't
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  Lose dad's love.
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  That's really important that we never use that as currency when we set limits.
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  And so
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  Claire,
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  I hope that's helpful for you.
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  I would just make it very known to your twins
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  every time they have an accident,
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  hm,
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  you peed in your underwear,
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  but you know that the toilet is for peeing in.
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  It's just gentle reminder,
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  neutral and calm,
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  so that they're able to start being more
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  mindful and developmentally it will sort itself out.
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  It's just patience in the meantime.
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  So I hope that's helpful to you,
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  Claire.
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  I hope that's helpful for each and every one of you,
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  especially when
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  there are scenarios where you're trying to figure out what
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  limit should be set or what currency should be used.
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  So hopefully there were some takeaways for each and every one of you.
• 10:00
  Claire,
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  I really appreciate you sending the email.
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  Thanks for letting me share that.
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  If you would like to reach out to me and you'd
• 10:06
  like to share a question or a comment with me,
• 10:08
  please do brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
• 10:10
  I'd love to hear from you.
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  And I appreciate y'all.
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  Thank you for your time with me each week.
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  Thanks for pouring into your kids
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  and your parenting
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  and trying to be adherent to a gentle and kind way to raise your kids.
• 10:23
  We'll talk again soon.
• 10:24
  Bye.
• 10:25
  Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr.
• 10:29
  Brenna Hicks.
• 10:30
  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 10:33
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.