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Gang Life Gave Me the Boot – Comedy Confession 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you can tell by looking at me, but uh I was fired from being in a gang.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: They kicked me out because I was too positive.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: They were like, why you always smiling, dog?
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, none of us are dead or in jail, and we're a gang.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: They also kicked me out because I apologized too much.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: Our drive-by sounded like Sorry! Like that's after a while, I saw their point, you know.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: And even when it came down to it, and and they were kicking me out, and I was like, I want I I just want to hang out with my friends, and you guys are my friends, and now I don't know what I'm gonna do.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: Uh what why do I have to leave?
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: And they were like, bruh, you giggle.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: You just you just like a bad influence, dog.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you're over here bringing in puppies and lemonade and like so I'm out.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know that I looked busted today until a homeless man didn't bother asking me for change.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: And he asked everyone.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: Alright?
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, hey breath, hey, breath, hey, brother, hey, breath.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, breath, hey, breath, hey, breath.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Oh.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, it hurt my soul.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: I took an Uber to get here, and I've come to a decision.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: We should not be able to see the car in the app on the way to pick us up.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's a bad idea.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: You are only watching mistakes.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: You are just watching, like, oh yeah, six rights and you'll be here.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: That's perfect.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: That is wonderful.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: That's just what I wanted, you know?
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: No, take another write.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: That makes sense.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: No, no, you should pass me.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: You're right.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes the car will disappear and then reappear in a place that is still not here.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: And you're like, wow, teleportation.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: I had no idea we had reached this level of technology.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: That's amazing.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes the car will just start spinning.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: And it'll spin further away from you.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: And you're like, is he drunk?
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: Should I get in the car, you know?
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's terrible, and it's disrespectful to the driver, you know?
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's only their job to drive you, not to look cool on the way to pick you up.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: It's not their job to drift down the street and land in front of you perfectly, pop the car door open like Ryan Gosling.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's just their job to drive you.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: They're not at work yet, and you're watching them.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: Imagine if you had that.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: Imagine if your boss had you on a screen before you got to work.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, this man, no, he's late, and he's going to Starbucks, all right.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, we're gonna have to have a discussion.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's terrible.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: I used to think a lot about who I wanted to be when I grew up, like what I wanted to be, everything, you know, and I think I finally decided.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: When I grow up, I wanna be the dude that I am on the first day.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: That would be amazing.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: If I could be that dude for real, that is he is somebody to aspire to.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I am that dude read.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: He pulled chairs out for people.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even pull out the chair for myself.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: I actually stick my leg under the table and drag the chair out like an animal and then sit down in it.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: And he's got money.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I mean, like my second date's just we going through samples at Whole Foods while we learn about each other.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: I haven't always lived here, I actually moved to New York from Chicago.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: Me too.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: And I quickly realized how proud New Yorkers are of their time.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: What I mean by that is how like long they lived here.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like people be like, I'm a real New Yorker dog, I've been here eight years, and then somebody in the back that nobody was talking to goes, no man, it doesn't start till 10.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what are you talking about?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: Your New York time shouldn't even be measured by calendar year, it should be measured by your experiences.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like if we all move to New York tonight and we got off the plane and we got on the train, and then we got off the train as the train doors open, a homeless man coughs in your mouth, you've been here two years.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: That's two full years right there.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: I was walking down Times Square, which was my mistake.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: And I was walking down the street, I saw this young woman, clearly not from New York, because she was smiling very wide.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: She was genuinely happy.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: And you also could tell that she wasn't from here because she was looking up at like the screens and the buildings and everything, and like, and she was just blown away because she had seen this in movies, and it's here now in front of her.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: This is insane, you know?
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: And so then she opened her mouth to say wow.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone who laughed is from New York.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: She opened her mouth to say wow because she was full of joy and hope and life.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: And as soon as she opened her mouth to say wow, a bag flew in her mouth.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's what happens here, all right?
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: Were you happy?
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: New York notice, and it's in a dirty Walgreens bag to fly halfway in your head.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: Close your mouth and tuck your chin like an adult.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: To take the train everywhere, it's exhausting.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: I know that everyone doesn't have this problem, but I'm like, I don't know, I'm just pressed up against people the entire ride, just like mushed in between people.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm surprised no one is in me.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: I'm pressed up against so many people so hard.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not a big man, so if I get pressed up against two big men, it's not uncommon for my feet to leave the ground.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: So now I'm just dangling in between two grown men as the train goes.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: And then they go to get off.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, sir, please don't do this.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: I got three more stops, please.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: Like, it's a terrible feeling.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: I was on the train with one of those ladies that had those baby backpacks.
• 8:11
  unknown: Yeah.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I'm talking about?
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: Where the baby is the backpack?
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like, she don't want to look at her kid, like the baby hanging in the other direction, you know, in some sort of like suspended time hour.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: Baby could be gone for all she knows.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: It could be a sack of potatoes, traded for a baby, and she'd still just keep walking.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: So it was just me and the baby pressed up against each other, nose to nose, like this, just mushing heads.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: And this is a baby, that's a soft head.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: I should not be mushing my grown skull against this baby, you know?
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm mushing up against the baby, and I look at the baby, and the baby looks at me, and it's like, I don't know.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what you want me to do.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a baby.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: My feet don't touch the ground either.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: And then the train sped up, and as it sped up, it like shook a little bit, and the baby, I don't know what age a baby this baby was, but he definit wasn't like hold his own head up age.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: Like he was out here.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: So then the train sped up and the baby went weightless, and for a split second, his little foot went in my mouth, right?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: And like, not like I didn't close my mouth, I didn't suck on his foot, but still, it was a baby foot in the dirty New York air, you know what I mean?
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: And so I'm choking, and as and as I'm choking, because there's no shoe, but I mean I'm choking, and I look at the baby, and the baby looks at me, he's like, I don't know what you mean.