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Monday Mini: Compulsory Heterosexuality · Stuff Mom Never Told You

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. I'm open to stuff.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I'll never tell your protection of iHeartRadio. And today is
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: December eleventh, twenty twenty five. We're getting towards the end
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: of the year, and as mentioned, we're trying to for
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: now do lighter topics. January is going to come in
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  Speaker 1: like a wrecking ball, I think. But as we're moving
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: through this, we're trying to do lighter topics and I've
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: kind of failed at picking. I thought I had one
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  Speaker 1: with this one, and I didn't. I don't know what
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  Speaker 1: I was thinking. But we are talking about compulsory heterosexuality today,
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  Speaker 1: or compet and I've been thinking about this for a
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  Speaker 1: lot for a while because of our discussion around the
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: you know, as having a boyfriend, embarrassing thing, the normal
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  Speaker 1: gay discourse that's happening too. So I just kind of
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  Speaker 1: was like, and also, to be honest with you, I've
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  Speaker 1: seen this playing out in some fandoms recently, so I'm like,
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  Speaker 1: let's just talk about what this is. So we actually
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  Speaker 1: have talked about this before, but yes, yes, But to
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  Speaker 1: define compulsory heterosexuality is the idea that heterosexuality is something
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  Speaker 1: that is enforced by the patriarchy as the norm. It
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  Speaker 1: is an internalized feeling that keeps queer people from questioning
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  Speaker 1: or coming out or exploring their sexuality. It's related to
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  Speaker 1: terms like heteronormativity and internalized homophobia, but they're not the
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  Speaker 1: same thing. Heteronormativity is sort of the thing that leads
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  Speaker 1: to compulsory heterosexuality. It impacts everyone, even if you didn't
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  Speaker 1: grow up in a homophobic environment, and even if you
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: are straight. The term compulsory heterosexuality originated with Adrian Rich's
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  Speaker 1: nineteen eighty essay Compulsory Heterosexuality and the Lesbian Experience, which
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  Speaker 1: largely focused on women straight and gay, but women. Here's
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  Speaker 1: a quote from a Cosmopolitan article about it. According to
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  Speaker 1: sex writer Cheyenne M. Davis, compulsory heterosexuality is the notion
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  Speaker 1: that heterosexuality is the only valid sexuality and that everyone
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  Speaker 1: should be is expected to be straight. It is harmful
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  Speaker 1: to queer, trans, and or nonsysgender folk. They say it
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  Speaker 1: erases and demonizes these identities while simultaneously trying to force
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  Speaker 1: us to adopt a system where we must perform straightness
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  Speaker 1: and ciseness. So I have told this story before, but
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: I assumed I couldn't be gay for a long time,
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  Speaker 1: like up until after college. Even when I realized I
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  Speaker 1: probably was, and I prayed I was wrong. I thought
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  Speaker 1: I could fix it, which is a horrible way to think,
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  Speaker 1: but that's what I thought. And I was the town
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  Speaker 1: feminist and I thought this, and I tried so hard
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  Speaker 1: to fit in and be quote normal, which in this
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  Speaker 1: case would mean not queer. And when my ex and
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: I started dating my last ex, he told me pretty
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  Speaker 1: much everyone in his friend group already assumed we were
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  Speaker 1: dating and or that I was sending out signals, and
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  Speaker 1: I truly just thought we were friends and I liked
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  Speaker 1: hanging out with him. I'm not saying that it never
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  Speaker 1: works that way, that you know you're sending signals or whatever,
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  Speaker 1: but that's that's sort of what we're talking about here.
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  Speaker 1: Like even in elementary school, of kids at the opposite
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  Speaker 1: sex start hanging out, you're like, ooh, are y all dating?
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  Speaker 1: Or when I felt like I had to start dating anyway,
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  Speaker 1: when I honestly never really wanted to, but all my
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  Speaker 1: friends were and it would be obvious if I was
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  Speaker 1: the one that was not. It shows up a million
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  Speaker 1: different ways, and it is harmful just to reiterate someone
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  Speaker 1: being with someone of the opposite sex does not mean
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  Speaker 1: they aren't gay, just say it. Bisexuality exist, internalized homophobia exist,
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  Speaker 1: aging and learning exist, and compulsory heterosexuality or compet impacts everybody,
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  Speaker 1: like I said, even straight folks. In Richest Essays You
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  Speaker 1: suggests that the whole heterosexuality thing as default is patriarchal political.
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  Speaker 1: It's an institution to a certain legal and social control
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  Speaker 1: over women, to make them dependent on men who are
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  Speaker 1: meant to control them or keep them in line maintain
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  Speaker 1: the norm. She writes, women have married because it was
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  Speaker 1: necessary in order to survive. We may faithfully or ambivalently
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  Speaker 1: have obeyed the institution, but our feelings and our sensuality
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  Speaker 1: have not been tamed or contained with in it. I
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  Speaker 1: would also add that coming out as gay has and
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  Speaker 1: is not always safe. You've got straight privilege people want
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  Speaker 1: to hang on to. For people growing up during the
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: AIDS epidemic, for instance, you may have been watching the
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  Speaker 1: news and essentially see like, oh, they got what they deserved,
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  Speaker 1: or hear things like it's unnatural. It can lead to
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  Speaker 1: discrimination that directly impacts your life. This is also related
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  Speaker 1: to straight performativeness or learned straightness, and it could lead
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  Speaker 1: to pressure for finding a partner of the opposite sex
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  Speaker 1: to prove your straightness or to fit in to societal norms,
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  Speaker 1: even if you don't feel a desire or true want
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  Speaker 1: to do so, as well as oppressing your own sexuality
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  Speaker 1: and feelings of shame and guilt that you might have.
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  Speaker 1: This is reinforced by the whole It's just a phase,
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  Speaker 1: you'll grow out of it thing, or you haven't found
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  Speaker 1: the right guy yet. Lesbians are also often sexualized the
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  Speaker 1: male gays in our media, so there's that For queer people.
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  Speaker 1: This can lead to a feeling of being othered or abnormal, isolated,
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  Speaker 1: and scared back to the control Rich was talking about
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  Speaker 1: in her essay. So this can manifest in a lot
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  Speaker 1: of ways. Financially socially, are just wearing women down in
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  Speaker 1: these relationships, which is something else we've been talking about
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  Speaker 1: a lot lately. Women still bear the brunt of domestic task, childcare,
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  Speaker 1: and even relationship cares, and they're taking care of the
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  Speaker 1: man where they might not be doing the same thing.
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  Speaker 1: So maybe you're too tired to fight the patriarchy because
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  Speaker 1: you got all this other stuff that is wearing you
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  Speaker 1: out Rich also asserts that relationships with other women, platonic
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  Speaker 1: or not, are often more rewarding. Obviously, some things have
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  Speaker 1: changed since nineteen eighty, though not as much as we
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  Speaker 1: would like. It is not as scandalous to be a
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  Speaker 1: single woman anymore, but it still kind of is. In
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  Speaker 1: examining this essay now, some point out that in some instances,
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  Speaker 1: people are more accepting of two women getting married than
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  Speaker 1: a straight woman choosing singlehood, and that you could argue
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  Speaker 1: that compulsory heterosexuality should more accurately include coupling at the end,
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  Speaker 1: as in they want people to be together. Notably, some
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  Speaker 1: women have spoken about how they actually are attracted to men,
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  Speaker 1: but the idea of marrying one makes them feel trapped,
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  Speaker 1: so they don't even if it's what they want, but
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  Speaker 1: they don't. Also, just to say it's okay when someone
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  Speaker 1: is fine to be alone, that's all right. You've said
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  Speaker 1: it before, and Jelly Luz brought this topic back into
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: the zeitgeist in her twenty eighteen Tumblr post called Ami
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  Speaker 1: a Lesbian. In it, she says compulsory heterosexuality easily ties
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  Speaker 1: in with the misogyny that causes women sexualities and identities
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  Speaker 1: to be defined by our relationships with men, and then
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  Speaker 1: later says, when you're trained from childhood to see romantic
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  Speaker 1: slash sexual relationships with men and only men as major
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  Speaker 1: like goals, how do you separate that from what you want?
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  Speaker 1: You can still find this online, by the way, and
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  Speaker 1: it's broken down if you're questioning my lesbian this whole
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  Speaker 1: thing for you, And as I said, we have come
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  Speaker 1: a long way, but this is still very much a thing.
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  Speaker 1: As I said, I see it everywhere and it was
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: actually a fandom thing that brought this up for me.
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  Speaker 1: It's clear a lot of folks don't know about it
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  Speaker 1: or think it doesn't eat. So preaching to the choir here.
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  Speaker 1: But if you feel like this is something you're struggling with,
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: there are a couple things experts suggest. One is educating
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: yourself so you're already there by listening to this self reflection,
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: putting yourself in a new environment, there is truth to
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: the whole move out of a small town or go
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: to a city or go to college this type thing,
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  Speaker 1: finding support through friends or family or groups, therapy, And
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: on the flip side, if someone comes out to you,
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  Speaker 1: being supportive and avoiding seeing things like oh really, I
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  Speaker 1: never would have known. I don't think I never would
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  Speaker 1: have thought you were gay, because that's kind of reinforcing, like,
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  Speaker 1: oh you fit in so naturally in quotes. So yeah,
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: that again, much bigger topic. We're just gonna have to
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  Speaker 1: come back to this. I did not intend to put
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  Speaker 1: myself in this situation, but here is a primer and listeners.
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  Speaker 1: If you have any thoughts about it, anything you would
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  Speaker 1: really like us to touch on when we revisit, please
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: let us know. You can email us at Hello at
• 10:11
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• 10:22
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• 10:25
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• 10:29
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• 10:32
  Speaker 1: always to our super producer Christina or executive producer Maya
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: and a contributor Joey. Thank you and thanks to you
• 10:37
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