Latest / Two Personal with Joy Taylor / Grieving Loss and Letting Go of Who I Was

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Grieving Loss and Letting Go of Who I Was · Two Personal with Joy Taylor

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: If I'm going to sell feed picks, which the answer is, Hey, guys,
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: Welcome Too Personal.
• 0:04
  Speaker 2: I'm Joy Taylor. Thanks so much for joining us.
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: If you haven't already, make sure that you subscribe and
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: follow us on social media at to Personal show.
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: It's been amazing being back.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: I really loved having less Alfred last week and doing
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: my rants. I've been told that my rants were very
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: excitable last week, not as a criticism, but just listen.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: You know, if you've been here a while, you know
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  Speaker 1: them a lot. So some days I come in here
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  Speaker 1: really fired up. Sometimes I'm a little more introspective. That's
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  Speaker 1: what we got for you today. But you know, the
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  Speaker 1: rants are really us about what's happening, what I think about,
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: what's happening, what I'm going through. And that's why we
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: call it You Personal, because we're gonna get into it.
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: We're gonna get into what's happening with me personally. So
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  Speaker 1: of course we'll also talk to you during Never Too
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: Personal later on. But you know, it was Coachella. It
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: was Coachella, first weekend of Coachella, this past weekend. I
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  Speaker 1: went to Coachella a couple of years ago. I would
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  Speaker 1: not do that again. Unless I was going to see
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  Speaker 1: like one particular artist, I just the energy is not
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  Speaker 1: is not the same for me. But I love it.
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  Speaker 1: I love seeing the outfits. I love seeing the girlies.
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  Speaker 1: I hope everyone had a great time. And we all
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  Speaker 1: watched Bieber. We all watched Bieber put together what was
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  Speaker 1: a bit of a controversial performance. I enjoyed it. And
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  Speaker 1: my interpretation of Bieber's performance was that it was a
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  Speaker 1: bit of him grieving his former life and his former
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  Speaker 1: career path and the way that he used to show
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  Speaker 1: up in the world and for fans and perform and
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  Speaker 1: you know, there's a lot of nuance to these performances.
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  Speaker 2: You can have your own opinion about it.
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  Speaker 1: But what I bring it up is because it made
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  Speaker 1: me think about my own grief that I'm dealing.
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  Speaker 2: With right now.
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  Speaker 1: And I had a lot of feelings of grief this weekend,
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  Speaker 1: and I'm processing different types of grief. And when we
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  Speaker 1: talk about grief always, of course go immediately to death
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  Speaker 1: and grieving a loved one or grieving a pet, we
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  Speaker 1: don't really get into the entirety of what grief in
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  Speaker 1: the word grief means, and grief is a very big word.
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  Speaker 2: It's a big word, like love, like hate.
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  Speaker 1: Grief is an experience that is very deep and complicated.
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  Speaker 1: It can be all encompassing, it can be consuming, it
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  Speaker 1: can come and go quickly.
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  Speaker 2: It's very complicated.
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  Speaker 1: And I'm grieving in the very real, practical way, and
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  Speaker 1: I'm grieving in a very nuanced way right now as well.
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  Speaker 1: So I'm grieving a friend. My friend, Shirley died earlier
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  Speaker 1: this year. She was someone that I was very close with,
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  Speaker 1: someone that I shared a lot of spiritual connection with.
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  Speaker 2: We did a lot of work together.
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  Speaker 1: And you know, shared a lot of traumas and deep
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  Speaker 1: conversations together, and you know, her loss was very public
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  Speaker 1: and required a lot of me personally when it happens.
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  Speaker 1: And I'm coming down from that and kind of processing
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  Speaker 1: what it means for me moving forward, because a lot
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  Speaker 1: of what her and I did together was sort of
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  Speaker 1: part of my spiritual journey. I think it's pretty obvious
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  Speaker 1: at this point that if you've been following me for
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: a while, I'm off the organized religion bandwagon right now.
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  Speaker 1: And I really find my connection to spirituality in giving
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  Speaker 1: back to other people. And so that's a deep loss
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  Speaker 1: for me, and it's something that i've been processing and
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  Speaker 1: grieving in the real practical way that we normally associate
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  Speaker 1: with grief in losing a person. But I'm also grieving
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  Speaker 1: other things as well. I'm grieving my routine of my
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  Speaker 1: career that has been in place for almost twenty years.
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  Speaker 1: For a very long time, I was on a live
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  Speaker 1: show five days a week, and that was my life,
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  Speaker 1: like every day doing something, if not the same, very
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  Speaker 1: similar from the time that I was in Miami up
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  Speaker 1: until last August. And that's a monumental change. Essentially, my
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  Speaker 1: entire career, even when I was working as an intern,
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  Speaker 1: was a five day a week live show, either radio
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  Speaker 1: or television. And adjusting to that, embracing the new way
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  Speaker 1: that I'll be living my life right now and what
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  Speaker 1: it means good and bad for me because I am
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  Speaker 1: a routine person. I'm somebody who needs a routine, who
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  Speaker 1: likes a routine, and so I'm grieving. I'm grieving that
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  Speaker 1: I'm grieving my reputation. I went through a lot, and
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  Speaker 1: no matter what I say or do, it's kind of
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  Speaker 1: like a broken mirror, where like I can put it
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  Speaker 1: back together, but there's just always going to be some
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  Speaker 1: parts that you see that are broken. There's always going
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  Speaker 1: to be some people who believe what they want to believe.
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  Speaker 1: And I've made my peace with that, and I made
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  Speaker 1: my peace with that very early, but there is some
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  Speaker 1: grief attached to that.
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  Speaker 2: For me. It's not a simple thing.
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  Speaker 1: Making peace with something doesn't mean that you have at
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  Speaker 1: least in me, doesn't mean that you are completely resolved
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  Speaker 1: to the results of those choices. And I'm also I'm
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  Speaker 1: grieving the person that I was before last year. I
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  Speaker 1: was really in a different space as a human. I
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  Speaker 1: had done a lot of work on myself. I had
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  Speaker 1: reached a point where I really felt like I wasn't
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  Speaker 1: surviving anymore. I was thriving, and I let my guard
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  Speaker 1: down and I think everything hit me a little harder
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  Speaker 1: because of that. When you moved through the world expecting
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  Speaker 1: bad things to happen, you're more prepared for them.
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  Speaker 2: Now.
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  Speaker 1: That's not a soft way to live. It's not a
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  Speaker 1: relaxed way to live. But I do know that a
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  Speaker 1: lot of people who live that way, because they've had
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  Speaker 1: to live that way, prefer that. I don't prefer having
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  Speaker 1: experienced the other side, but I now know it'll be
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  Speaker 1: very difficult for me to ever be back over there again.
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  Speaker 1: It took me my entire adult life to get there,
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  Speaker 1: and some years of my childhood. And yeah, I didn't
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  Speaker 1: like how I felt. I didn't like how that hit me.
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  Speaker 1: And I think with any traumatic thing you go through,
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  Speaker 1: you change. And some people will tell you, Okay, you know,
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  Speaker 1: you don't know how you're gonna change. Maybe you'll change
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  Speaker 1: for the better. Maybe it don't make you this or
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  Speaker 1: it don't make you that. And I want to believe that.
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  Speaker 1: But being someone who's gone through a lot of different
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  Speaker 1: traumatic things, I don't know that the trauma made me better.
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  Speaker 2: It made me different, It gave me different perspective.
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  Speaker 1: I guess in some ways it gave me empathy for
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  Speaker 1: certain people because I had gone through the same thing.
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  Speaker 1: But if I look at it from a grand, you know,
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  Speaker 1: bigger perspective, I wouldn't have.
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  Speaker 2: Preferred to go through those traumas.
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  Speaker 1: Now I love the person that I am and I
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  Speaker 1: love my life, and listen, shit happens that you just
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  Speaker 1: don't have control over it. Everyone is going to go
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  Speaker 1: through things in life. You don't get to decide. It's
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  Speaker 1: not a vending machine of what you get to experience.
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  Speaker 1: And everybody has different things that they experienced. So it's
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  Speaker 1: trauma is just a very it's a very complicated thing,
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  Speaker 1: and it is attached to grief in a lot of
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  Speaker 1: ways because you you.
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  Speaker 2: Can't go back once.
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  Speaker 1: Once you've experienced something that jarring, you just won't be
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  Speaker 1: the same again. It's when you when you lose someone
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  Speaker 1: extremely close to you. Yeah, you're going to keep living.
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  Speaker 1: You'll experience love and happiness again. You'll experience you can
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  Speaker 1: experience the fullness of life.
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  Speaker 2: But you, but you are going to be different. The
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  Speaker 2: world is different, your experiences are different.
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  Speaker 1: The pain that you felt has has taken something from you,
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  Speaker 1: and that's that's just a human experience. And if I'm
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  Speaker 1: really honest with myself about how I feel right now
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  Speaker 1: moving through the world, you know, still loving people, still
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  Speaker 1: having friends, still having relationships, still having to trust, still
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  Speaker 1: being a front, face facing person, still being somebody that
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  Speaker 1: you know attempts to be vulnerable.
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  Speaker 2: I have PTSD.
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  Speaker 1: I can feel myself being triggered by certain story worries
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  Speaker 1: that I read on the internet, certain songs that I hear,
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  Speaker 1: certain experiences or comments from people will will immediately put
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  Speaker 1: me back into that mindset in space, and it's I've
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  Speaker 1: been I've dealt with things like this in the past
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  Speaker 1: and experiences like It's it's a bit more unique. But
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  Speaker 1: you know, I'm thirty nine years old. I'm coming into
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  Speaker 1: a new chapter. Not just as a person, but you know,
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: as you age as a woman, you are you experience
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  Speaker 1: different things than you do as a young woman, and
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  Speaker 1: you're more aware of yourself in a lot.
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  Speaker 2: Of ways, and in a lot of good ways as well.
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  Speaker 1: I definitely feel more confident in my body, in how
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  Speaker 1: I show up and what I believe in and what
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  Speaker 1: I you know, stand for all of those things and
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  Speaker 1: what I want.
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  Speaker 2: But it's different, it's a change.
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  Speaker 1: And I think just when we talk about grief, yeah,
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  Speaker 1: of course there's you know, losing a person is to me,
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  Speaker 1: the highest point of grief, but within that word lies
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  Speaker 1: all these other different things. And I started with talking
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  Speaker 1: about this with watching Bieber's Coachella performance, Because when you
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  Speaker 1: take the time to look at the person that you
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  Speaker 1: were and the way that you looked at the world,
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  Speaker 1: and the decisions that you made at the time, and
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  Speaker 1: the people that you had around you at a time,
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  Speaker 1: and all the things that happened to you or happened
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  Speaker 1: for you, it can really give you a different perspective
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  Speaker 1: on things, and it can help to give you some clarity,
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  Speaker 1: which I think is a journey that you try to
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  Speaker 1: reach for within grief. I think it helps you give
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  Speaker 1: you It helps to give you some grace for yourself,
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  Speaker 1: which is a big part of processing grief, and it
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  Speaker 1: helps you to pivot. It helps you to make different decisions,
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  Speaker 1: advocate for yourself more, be more precise about your choices,
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  Speaker 1: who's around you, what kind of energy you give, kind
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  Speaker 1: of energy you receive, how you show up in the world.
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  Speaker 1: And I know that's something that I'm deciding still, and
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  Speaker 1: as I process these various you know, things and experiences
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  Speaker 1: that I'm grieving, I don't know that I can truly
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  Speaker 1: decide who I'm going to be because I don't know,
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  Speaker 1: and I don't know that I'll be a better person.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know that I'll be a more forgiving person,
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  Speaker 1: And honestly, I don't even know that I care that
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  Speaker 1: I will be a better, different person in a more
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  Speaker 1: positive way. I care about protecting myself at this point,
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  Speaker 1: and I'm very unapologetic about that in this particular chapter,
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: advocating for myself.
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  Speaker 2: If I don't feel good, it can't be around me.
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  Speaker 1: And you know, we can get into the word selfish
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  Speaker 1: on another day. But I've always said that being selfish
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  Speaker 1: is not always a negative thing. And I think when
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  Speaker 1: you're if you are going through something similar to what
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  Speaker 1: I'm describing, being selfish, I think is a very essential
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  Speaker 1: part of the grieving process if you're going to come
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  Speaker 1: out the other side, and you probably won't come out
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  Speaker 1: the other side completely full, at least I don't anticipate
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  Speaker 1: that I will.
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  Speaker 2: Some people do.
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  Speaker 1: Some people harness all of the things into this ball
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  Speaker 1: of positivity.
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  Speaker 2: You know, I don't know that, I that I totally
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  Speaker 2: trust that.
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  Speaker 1: I know that there's still dark phases of that, and
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  Speaker 1: I think that that's probably be already part of your
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  Speaker 1: personality if that, if if you're someone who does that.
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  Speaker 1: Obviously I'm not, Uh, I'm more of a Daria than
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: I am a ball of sunshine despite my name. But yeah,
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  Speaker 1: it's a process and it's it's something that I'm dealing
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  Speaker 1: with personally. I felt a connection to that performance in
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  Speaker 1: that way from justin this weekend at Coachella, And yeah,
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  Speaker 1: I mean it's it's reality that a lot of people,
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  Speaker 1: I mean, everyone is gonna deal with grief at some
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: point in their life in some way, and you know
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  Speaker 1: how you approach it. I think should be something that
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: is very personal to you. So that's what I have
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: for you today. Make sure that you leave me your
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: comments about how you you have processed grief and how
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: you've found ways through it and what you feel like
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  Speaker 1: now that you're if you are on the other side
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  Speaker 1: of it. So I want to get to our Never
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: Too Personal today to have a little balance in the show. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: because that was a lot.
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: It's a lot. What I just said was a lot.
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: It was a lot. Was a mouthful.
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: So we're gonna, we're gonna, we're gonna sprinkle a little positively,
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: a little yin and yang. So I liked this question
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: from our Never Too Personal family, what is your greatest
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: joy at the moment?
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: Which I thought it was so nice.
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: It was it was such a nice question compared to
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: asking me if I'm gonna sell feet picks, which the
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: answer is currently no. I'm not ruling it out in
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: the long sir, but right now they're not feet picks
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: available for sale, so you can stop asking about that.
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: What is your greatest joy at the moment? Honestly, my
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: nieces and nephews make me so happy. I'm so proud
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: of them. They are my children. I do not have children,
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: I do not want them, but I love I love
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: my nieces and nephews so much. And I love seeing
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: the older ones living their lives, having their success having
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: started them starting their own families, them getting inspired, creatively,
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: changing their career paths.
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: Pivoting, growing, and then the young ones.
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: You know, it's it's so exciting to see kids grow
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: up right, and they they kind of show their personalities
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: early and then as they they fill into who they're
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: going to become, it's so funny to watch them. Like
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: my older nieces and nephews are like their personalities were
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: so who they were when they were little. And one
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: of one of my nieces got she's like a big
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: girl now. So she she got her an upgrade from
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: her crib to her big girl bed over the past
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: couple of days. And she has her favorite colors purple,
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: so they painted her wall purple and.
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: She hugged the wall because she was so excited. And
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: it's so cute, and.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: I've watched it like a hundred times, so I know,
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: you guys think like I'm a big, dark grumpy and
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: I am, but I do have moments where you know,
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: it all has some real meaning and it's and I
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: love it because I had a wall and I had
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: a purple wall in high school because I just like
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: having color around me. My house was full of color.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: Now I'm not one of those like gray millennials. So yeah,
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: my nieces and nephews are. They're all amazing. They're also
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: talented and incredible people, and they just they make me
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: so happy. So that is what brings me joy at
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: the moment. That was a very nice question. Thank you
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: for the appropriate sweet question. No, you can ask whatever
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: you want, but just like the feet picks one like,
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: let's just clear seven hundred questions with one answer.
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: No, there are no feet picks available for sales.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: Sorry, but I do give free feet content, like I
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: really don't. I really don't crop my feet out very often,
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: so like I guess it's just free.
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: It's there for you.
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: I'm not gonna be like smashing whip cream and strawberries.
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: And what do they even do? What do they do
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: dirty feet? I heard?
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: I heard they're into like the bottom of the feet
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: more than like the toes.
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: Is that it specks.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: Why are you commenting so so so convincingly about this.
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: We're not judging. Okay, there's no kink. Yeah, okay, well
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: I'm not gonna say there's no kink shaming around here.
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: There are some kinks that I'm like, all right, you
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: just maybe see someone about this, Like it's it is
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: legal and consensual.
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: But like the balloon thing, it's just what is that?
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: You never seen that thing?
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: Like the people they like get into these plastic things
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: and then they suck all the air out of it
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: and you're just like in a you're in Like I'll.
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: Show to you.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: It's really crazy. Listen if you're out there and that's
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: just thing like why by all means? But like it's
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: it is a little, it's a little.
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: You know, I don't I'm not doing it.
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: I'm just saying like, if you want to do it
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: and we cross paths, it's going to be a no
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: for me. But to teach theround, I guess as long
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: as you're not harming anybody else. Yeah, So that's what
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: I got for you today. Thank you so much for
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: joining us. Make sure that you subscribe and follow us
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: on social media. Let us know who else you would
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: like us to have on the show, and yeah, we
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: love talking to you, love hanging out.
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: That's too personal.