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Sober Talk SA - Rolf · Sober Talk SA

• 0:02
  Welcome to Sober TALK. I'm Dennis and I'm an alcoholic.
• 0:06
  Soap dear. Thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous.
• 0:10
  If you or anyone you know is struggling with alcohol, please
• 0:13
  call Alcoholics Anonymous on 1300 double 22222.
• 0:19
  I'll visit their website ata.org dot AU.
• 0:26
  I'll just run through the preamble of Alcoholics
• 0:29
  Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous is a
• 0:31
  fellowship of people who share the experience, strengthen hope
• 0:35
  with each other that they may solve their common problems and
• 0:39
  help with us to recover from alcoholism.
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  The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop
• 0:45
  drinking and no dues of fees. Fair membership.
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  We are self supporting through our own contributions.
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  He is not allied with any sect in omission politics,
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  organization or institution, does not wish to engage in any
• 1:00
  controversy, either endorses or oppose any causes.
• 1:05
  Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other Alcoholics
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  are chiefs of Brady. Thank you, Larry, and thank you,
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  everyone, for having me in this chair.
• 1:17
  Yeah. How did it all begin?
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  Well, you know, I was 19 years of old, 19 years of age and I, I
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  lived in a, in a little house just around the corner from the
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  pub. And for whatever reason, I'm not
• 1:35
  actually sure why, I decided to get up and go to the pub and
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  have a drink. I don't know why, I really don't
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  know why, but I did. I didn't drink very much on that
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  first night. I had a couple of pints of beer.
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  But you know, the effect that it had on my mind was unbelievable.
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  All the anger that I had stored up over the years and the
• 2:03
  fearfulness and the anxiety and so forth, it's just disappeared,
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  just disappeared. And I felt wonderful.
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  This is magic stuff. And I wandered back home.
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  It was just around the corner from the pub and went to bed and
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  had a fantastic night's sleep. You know, I never slept so well
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  in my whole life. But you know what I said to
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  myself, I need more of this And it happened slowly over a period
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  of time. I didn't become a horrible drunk
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  overnight, but I started drinking every night and it
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  started off with a few beers and I get moderately drunk and
• 2:54
  somewhere somehow along the line it got to a bottle of wine and,
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  and then I then I found these four liter carks of wine for $4
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  and I had an empty flagon and I would make that task of wine
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  last two nights. So, you know, during that period
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  of time, you know, I was drinking two litres of wine
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  every night at the cost of $2.00.
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  I thought I was a bloody genius. I really thought I was clever.
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  And you know, for a long time it still worked.
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  You know, the, IT made me feel peaceful and calm and serene,
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  and I didn't have to worry about anger or resentment or anything
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  like that. I was just in this dreamy
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  fantasyland land where everything seemed to be OK.
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  And so, you know, I chased that every night or 25 years or 25
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  years in the early stages, You know, I was drinking, you know,
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  2 liters of wine a night. I had a little ritual going, you
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  know, I, I don't know how I develop this ritual, but I would
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  not open my flag and a wine until 11:00 at night.
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  I would do the dish. I live by myself.
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  I would do the dishes, etcetera, do all the housework, you know,
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  have a shower, shipshave, whatever, you know, And I would,
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  I would, I wouldn't touch the bloody thing until 11:00 at
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  night. But I but before 1230 came, I
• 4:46
  had drank 2 litres of wine and I was absolutely blotter.
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  And I did that for a long time. Not yeah, for for a while that,
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  that wasn't the way that I eventually finished up drinking.
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  But that's what I did for a while.
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  And of course there were all sorts of problems with drinking
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  so much wine in such a short period of time.
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  Late at night, you know you'd go to bed and I was comatose and
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  more often than than not the the bed was wet in the morning.
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  Fortunately, I was living by myself.
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  I didn't have a dog or a cat or anything like that.
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  I was just this silly, stupid person pissing the bed nearly
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  every night of the week because I'm such a genius.
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  I finally figured out how to save my mattresses.
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  I didn't think about maybe I'm drinking too much or whatever.
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  You know, that didn't occur to me.
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  But I would buy this plastic sheet and put it over the, the,
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  the, the bed each night. And the only thing that ever got
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  wet then was the, the bed sheets and the blankets and stuff.
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  Oh, I had another brilliant idea.
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  I bought the second hand clothes dryer and and you know only that
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  work was only about 5 minutes away and I would put the wet
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  clothes in the clothes dryer, start it up and I'll come back
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  at lunchtime to get the clothes out of the the dryer, etcetera.
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  I didn't wash the bastards, you know, I just put them in wet Ivy
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  and you know, and, and that's how I fumble along for a while.
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  For a few years I did that. But you know, eventually I just
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  couldn't deal with the way I felt in the morning.
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  And the hangovers were terrible. And, and you know, I'd go to
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  work, which was just about 5 minutes down the road.
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  I worked in the local sawmill as as the number one bandsaw
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  operator. I had the reputation of being
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  the best bandsaw operator they ever had.
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  But you know, I, I, I rocked up to work every morning, probably
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  still pissed as a fart from the night before and I would tough
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  it out till till 12:00 and had lunch and, and after lunch
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  everything seemed all right again.
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  You know, I felt good. You know, the hangover was gone.
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  It was wonderful. So Oh well.
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  Oh, ready again for tonight. But, you know, eventually, you
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  know, I, I decided that was far too much alcohol.
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  And so the last 10 years of my drinking, somehow or another, I,
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  I continued drinking every night.
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  I still had that same ritual, but you know, I cut my
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  consumption down by at least half and I I would still go to
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  bed with a bottle of wine each night, but I wouldn't wake up
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  drunk and I would not wake up hungover and feeling seedy and
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  all the rest of that. I woke up feeling OK.
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  For the last 10 years of my drinking life, that's the way I
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  drank. And I thought I was in control.
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  I thought I was in control. It didn't occur to me that
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  normal people don't need a bottle of wine each night to go
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  to bed with. Like normal people don't do it.
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  Maybe a normal person will have a bottle of wine now and again,
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  you know, but that's just now and again.
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  They don't do that every night, and they certainly don't need to
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  do that every night. Is there something that that
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  happens occasionally if they think they want a good time or
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  whatever, you know, But, you know, that's the way I drank the
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  last 10 years of my life until I fell over the Cliff.
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  I eventually fell over the Cliff.
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  Yeah. I got married at 34.
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  I don't know how I was able to attract anybody, but I did.
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  And, and we got, and we got married and all the rest of
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  that. I'd become a Christian by this
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  time. You know, I'm one of these born
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  again evangelical types. And I became a Christian at 25.
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  I didn't stop drinking until I was 45.
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  And I, I was drinking every night as a Christian for 25
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  years, trying to pretend to be a normal person.
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  But of course I wasn't. No.
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  And for because a normal person doesn't need bloody alcohol to
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  feel peaceful and calm and serene, a person, a normal
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  person can find some more productive way to deal with
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  fears and anxieties and worries, etcetera.
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  Normal people learn how to cope with all of that stuff in a far
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  better way than just relying on bloody alcohol.
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  But somehow or another, I never learned how to cope with those
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  sorts of issues. You know, I was just totally
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  dependent upon alcohol. Even as a Christian, I was still
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  totally dependent upon alcohol just to feel OK.
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  And, you know, occasionally my wife was a little bit concerned
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  about the fact that I was drinking a whole bottle of wine
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  by myself late at night, each night, every night.
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  He was a little bit concerned. And she kind of suggested to me
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  that maybe I'm an alcoholic. Of course I'm not an alcoholic.
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  Beer. I'll prove it to you.
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  I'll go for a week without a drink.
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  And So what do I do? I, I go to the pub and I buy
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  those little hip flasks of Brandy.
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  And I would hide the hip flask of Brandy in my underpants in
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  between the cheeks of my ass and walk it into the house and hide
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  it in the toilet system. Then I would wait till the the
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  wife and the and the kids were asleep.
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  And at 2:00 in the morning, I would wake up to go to the
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  toilet and in a, in a single second almost, I would neck this
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  whole thing and return the bottle into the system.
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  And then I would get rid of a bottle the next day in exactly
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  the same way in reverse order. You know, normal people don't do
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  that with a chain of Coke, do they?
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  Does anybody do that with a chain of Coke?
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  And I didn't think there was anything strange about that.
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  I thought that was perfectly normal.
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  After all, you know, she, she accused me of being an
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  alcoholic. I've got to prove to her I'm
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  not. But I couldn't live without this
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  bloody dose of alcohol. So I wasn't much of A binge
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  drinker. I always drank my shit in front
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  of the the television set late at night.
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  There there's no problems with the police.
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  I never had car accidents or Duis or hospitalizations.
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  The police never knocked on my door and managed to pay all the
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  bills. So.
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  So I thought I was OK. I didn't think there was
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  anything strange about my behaviour.
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  Why would that? Why would anyone consider that
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  strange? I didn't.
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  Anyway, I eventually fell off the Cliff.
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  We were having our third baby and full term and sadly the baby
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  was stillborn and, and everything changed.
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  Everything changed instantly that from that moment on, for
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  the next 6 months, I would be yeah, drinking first thing in
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  the morning and on the way to work.
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  If I could, I'd find a way to drink at work.
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  I would drink on my way home and I would get pisted a fart every
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  night for the next 6 months. So for the for the for, for, I
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  had a, a six month Bender there where I wasn't really physically
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  sober for at least six months. I still managed to, you know,
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  pay the bills and go to church and and do and and and and and
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  work and all the rest of that. I managed to somehow, but you
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  know, six months of drinking like that was a, a total
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  disaster. And I came into Alcoholics
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  Anonymous about 25 years ago. First person that shook my hand
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  was this bloke called Broken Hill Jack and he invited me to
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  sit next to him and I was shivering and shaking and, and
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  smelling like shit and, you know, but he was, he was kind
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  enough to let me sit next to him and and you know, I, I stayed
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  with a a but I didn't really grasp a Step 1.
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  You know, I never went to jail. I never had problems with the
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  police. I never had a DUII, never lost
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  my family or my children or anything like that.
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  The very worst thing that ever happened was that I would twist
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  the bed if I drank too much, not booze the night before.
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  That's literally the worst thing that ever happened.
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  And I thought I was better. I listened to all these people
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  that went to jail and mental institutions and and
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  hospitalizations and, and I thought to myself what a bunch
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  of wankersy people are. And I didn't think I was quite
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  as bad as you guys. I thought I probably had some
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  sort of problem with alcohol and I didn't want to drink at that
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  time. So I stayed without with
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  Alcoholics Anonymous for a couple of years there.
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  And I didn't drink, but I didn't grasp step one.
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  And at the same time, you know, all that fearfulness, anxiety
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  and worry and stress came back into my head and had no real way
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  of feeling with it. And I, I wasn't really listening
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  to anybody or what they were saying because I'm different,
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  I'm better, I'm smarter, you know, why should I listen to you
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  guys? So, you know, I, I was stubborn
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  and wilful and unteachable because I didn't really believe
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  that I was powerless over alcohol.
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  I didn't believe that I might have said it when I was called
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  to speak, but I never ever really believed that I was
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  powerless over alcohol. So, you know, one day 22 years
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  ago, I picked up a drink and I just don't know what happened.
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  I have no idea of what happened. All I know that I drank all
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  morning and all afternoon and all night and somehow or another
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  I found found myself in the Royal Adelaide Hospital with a
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  breathing tube down my neck because I was in danger of
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  asphyxiating. That part of the brain that
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  controls breathing was depressed and I could hardly breathe and I
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  nearly died one day's drinker. And you know, if, if I didn't
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  stop them, if I had an, if I had another drink as soon as I got
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  out of hospital, I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be here now.
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  I'd have been dead 22 years ago. Because if that's what happened
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  on my last drink, sure as hell that'll happen on this, my next
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  drink and and drink after that. My body could not survive that
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  for too long. I'm 70 years of age now.
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  If I had a drink tonight and I started drinking like that again
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  and worse, if I started to drink like that again and worse, I
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  would be dead very, very quickly.
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  I would not survive. There won't be no coming back.
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  I'm too old to try again. It's too difficult.
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  It's too painful to go through the steps and all of that stuff
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  again. It would be easier for me just
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  to continue drinking till I drop dead.
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  And I don't want to drop dead like that.
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  I just don't want to. But of course, you know, I still
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  have this problem with fearfulness and anxiety and
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  worry and guilt and shame and anger and resentment.
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  And you know what? I had to start listening to what
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  was going on in AAI, had to listen to the people share their
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  stories and, and I had to seriously consider not just step
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  one, but all the other steps as well.
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  And I have found that the best way to deal with all of that
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  fearfulness and anxiety and worry and guilt and shame and
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  all of those other things I just tried to make disappear with
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  alcohol. The best way if the 12 steps of
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  a, A, you know, you just, you just include all of those steps
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  as principles by which you live your life every day.
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  I haven't done it perfectly. Nobody here has done it
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  perfectly. No one here ever will do it
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  perfectly. But to me, they're all
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  principles that I need to employ on a daily basis.
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  I have to make amends for the, for the crazy way that I live my
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  life. And and you know, for the last
• 20:15
  20 years as a living amends I, I do a volunteer job.
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  I drive old ladies around from this place to that place, you
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  know, I get, I get a community bus and, and they smack me on
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  the on the arse if they think I've been naughty and give me
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  chocolates when they think I've been good.
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  And, you know, it makes me feel useful and it, it forces me, it
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  forces me to think about other people rather than just focusing
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  on my morbid sense of self centeredness.
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  You know, for 20 years I've been doing this and it's been
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  fantastic because it forces me, it forces me to do something for
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  another person without expecting anything in return.
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  So I've learned a bit of selflessness and, and community
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  service and I'm actually useful to people and they actually like
• 21:20
  me. They actually like me, you know,
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  But you know, I still struggle with that, you know, that
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  anxious mind. And sometimes, you know, I'd, if
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  I wanted to, if I wanted to, I could fill up my heart and mind
• 21:40
  with anger and fearfulness every day for the rest of my life if I
• 21:45
  wanted to. I had to divorce my wife
• 21:49
  eventually because he found somebody else who was a
• 21:53
  convicted pedophile. So I divorced her and she has
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  since died and my daughter is now living with this bloke.
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  So if I wanted to fill my heart with anger and resentment, I
• 22:09
  could easily do that. Since the divorce, I walked away
• 22:15
  from the house and everything that I had, and now I live in a
• 22:19
  rented room from a friend. What happens if something
• 22:26
  changes there? You know, I could find myself
• 22:29
  out in the street tomorrow. If I wanted to live my life in
• 22:32
  constant fearfulness and anxiety, I could do that.
• 22:38
  I've got all the fuel I need. I've got all the fuel I need.
• 22:43
  But you know what my Bible tells me that the perfect love of God
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  casts out all fear. And if it casts out fear, it
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  casts out anger and rage and fury and all the other things.
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  My Bible tells me that in the presence of God there is
• 23:00
  fullness of joy. So I have another way of dealing
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  with all of this stuff that could so easily destroy me.
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  You know, I pursue God's love on a daily basis and for whatever
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  reason, God has chosen to love me.
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  I don't know why He has chosen to do that, but He has.
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  And I have found that His love for me as I embrace it on a
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  daily basis is enough to keep my alcoholic mind under control.
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  And today's being a wonderful day, had no problems whatsoever.
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  I've done my volunteer job, went to the pub and had pork rib for
• 23:44
  tea. You know, I didn't even, I
• 23:46
  didn't even have to pay. It was my, my birthday, you
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  know. So you know, it's a, it's
• 23:52
  today's been a #1A grade day and I'm happy to be here.
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  Soda. Thank you.
• 24:01
  Air Air as more than two million recovering Alcoholics throughout
• 24:05
  the world. In Australia there are about
• 24:08
  18,000 members. They're made in over 2000 local
• 24:14
  meetings spread around the country.
• 24:16
  Meetings range in size from a handful in some areas to
• 24:21
  hundreds or more in larger communities.
• 24:24
  And once again, if anyone you know is struggling with alcohol
• 24:28
  issues, please call Alcoholics Announcing 1300 Double 22222 or
• 24:35
  visit their website on aa.org dot AU.