Latest / College Is Fine, Everything's Fine / #8 Microdose on Building Your Social Muscle: How Practicing Social Skills Can Help You Tackle New and Challenging Relationships on Campus

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#8 Microdose on Building Your Social Muscle: How Practicing Social Skills Can Help You Tackle New and Challenging Relationships on Campus · College Is Fine, Everything's Fine

[00:00:00] Okay. This is our second to last micro episode. Just a reminder that this is a follow up to our finding and keeping your people series. And today I'm going to talk to you about how a lack of skill can interfere with how you find and keep your people. So by the end of this episode, you're going to have a concrete idea or two that can help you build up your own social skill muscle.Before we go there though, listen in on a conversation that Liz and I had with a recent college graduate.So like our guest described, college is like a Petri dish of new situations and new relationships. I'll mention a few that she didn't share. Things like getting to know a whole new set of teammates. Maybe it's your first time being in a long distance relationship or through the opposite extreme. It's the first time managing some of those surface hookup relationships.Getting [00:01:00] to know a professor in a classroom filled with hundreds of other students. What are some others that I didn't mention? Take a second now and think of some of the situations you had to enter in college. For the ones I did mention here, and the ones that popped into your own head, they all have one thing in common.You likely didn't have any real chance to practice the social skill needed in this situation. How could you? There's so much new when you go to college. Yes, I get it. Some people can be more skillful than others. A lot of times, though, this simply has come down to the fact that they've had more exposure to practice in some way.The guy who's chatty with that professor, he might be less practiced at stuff like small talk with people his age, or the person who's basking in the chaos of rush. They might have less experience being vulnerable with a small friend group. What's my point? My point is that it's not helpful to compare your skill level with someone else's.You don't know their story and you don't know how much practice they've had to have, good and bad. When you're in a new environment, you're going to [00:02:00] feel a bit like a baby deer learning to walk in some situations. You're going to be a little wobbly. Everyone has situations that make their knees buckle a little bit in a way.We've actually all experienced that wobbly feeling because of COVID social skills are like a muscle and they atrophy when they're not used. They also feel sore when being used for the first time. I'm going to read a quote to you that came out of an article in the New York times that came out in 2020.Here it goes. In every interaction, you have to make countless intuitive judgments, interpreting words, gestures, and expressions and reacting appropriately. You've also got to get the timing and pacing right, as well as titrate how much to share with whom. Social interplay is one of the most complicated things we ask our brains to do.In normal circumstances, we get a lot of practice, so it becomes somewhat seamless. You don't think about it, but when you have fewer opportunities to practice, you get off your game. So I will put that article in the show notes in case anyone else is interested in reading it, but it's a brilliant [00:03:00] article by Kate Murphy written in September of 2020.So I can't emphasize this enough, just because you don't have the skill now doesn't mean anything except you need to build up your muscle a bit. If you've ever run in your life, you know that it's not easy to start with a marathon. If you wanted to train for a marathon, would you just put on your running shoes and gun out the 26.2 miles? I'm guessing not. And you know what? You wouldn't feel bad about it either. So be equally patient and kind with yourself while you're training up to handle some new social muscle. There's a term used in behavioral science I think is relevant here. Shaping. Shaping is when you take small steps towards a bigger behavior that you want to have.You have to crawl before you can walk, and you have to run a mile before you can run that social marathon. A lot of times I'm working with people who are afraid, for instance, of raising their hand in class, even though they know participation is a huge part of their grade. So, Let's shape that behavior. A first step might be to say hi to the [00:04:00] professor after class, then to ask a simple question.Even if you don't have a question, it doesn't matter. Just ask anyway. The goal here isn't to get the question answered. It's just to take that small step toward talking in class. So it's just about practice. The next step might be to ask a question in front of a study group or a class lab, kind of a smaller group, then ask a question with a few more students in the class.And then that final step is to raise your hand in that huge one on one class. So, shaping, remember, you don't have to start with the big behavior, you can start small and build up. I want to talk about something actually more intimidating, I think, to some people than raising their hand in class, which is talking to a new person or breaking into that group of people.How the hell do you break in? I'm going to tell you about a research study, but don't go anywhere, I promise this will be something that will help you approach that person in the quad or the cafeteria. In a university of Chicago study that was conducted at undergrads, students were asked to rate how likely a stranger would be willing to talk to them [00:05:00] and enjoy the experience.47 percent of students thought that the conversation would be welcome. And the other 53 percent thought they'd be rejected. And in fact, a hundred percent of the conversations went well as judged by the person who was being approached and the one who was doing the approaching. So head in with that statistic in mind.A hundred percent of those conversations were perceived well. And if you go into a conversation and it doesn't go well, it just means that person's a total social deviant. I'm just kidding. Um, well kind of, so now for some concrete and scientifically proven steps that can help people have an effective small talk game.The first one is smile. It works for you because it puts you in a more energetic, upbeat, emotional state. We know this from functional MRIs. I'm telling you it's a thing. The brain has mirror neurons, which tend to prompt the same response in other people that you have. So if you smile at someone, their mirror neurons are going to make sure that they smile back at you.[00:06:00] Number two, look for similarities. This doesn't have to be a huge thing. Keep it simple. And remember, this is just a conversation appetizer of sorts. If you're in a class, just ask what they think about the professor. Everyone loves to bitch about all the reading they have in the syllabus. That's an easy one.So look for small, simple similarities. And number three, use the insights and question method. This is just like it sounds. You offer a statement or an observation about the situation you're in, and then you follow it up with a question. So for example, Oh, I just took a look at the syllabus. Can you believe all the reading she's making us do.Again, when in doubt, just pitch about the professor. This one might feel basic and concrete, but if you repeat it, then it helps you look connected to the conversation while continuing to kick the ball back and forth to the other person. So in a lot of ways you're making them do the actual hard work of keeping the conversation going.Cause you've got the questions rolling. A pro tip here, ask them a question about themselves. We're all a little bit on the narcissistic [00:07:00] side and studies show people are willing to stay in a conversation longer if they're able to talk about themselves. Okay. Have Outside of small talk, it can be intimidating to jump into a new group of people who already have something in common, a new team, a school club, your dorm mates, a fraternity or sorority.In these situations, I always tell people it's okay to lay low and start slow at first. Get your bearings. Be an observer, you're going to have hundreds of interactions with this group during the semester. You'll have a lot of chances to get things right. Then after you've had a chance to observe, you can shape up your behaviors as you get more comfortable.For instance, Observe people who seem confident in their skills amongst this group. What's their body language like? What kind of language do they use? Are their shoulders back? Head high? Mirror their facial expressions. Try to match that. It's clearly taken well in this group. Or, and, or Practice [00:08:00] small talk with someone you're not intimidated by within the group just to get the wheels oiled a bit and then work your way up to larger group conversations.Okay. This is a micro episode. We obviously have tons more we can cover. If you have questions, please reach out to us, but for now we're going to wrap this up. Not to harp on the Bambi metaphor too much, but I promised you that with practice and a little perseverance, you'll be standing strongly on your own two feet soon enough.And yes, I'm aware that my baby deer metaphor is super cheesy, forgive me. And that's a wrap on this mini episode. We'd love to hear from you about any situations that we left out, how you felt wobbly and how you handled them.