Latest / The Parenting Podcast / True Confessions – Communication is Hard and Messy | Ep. 129

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True Confessions – Communication is Hard and Messy | Ep. 129 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Picture this, it's dinner time and your whole family is sitting around the table and everyone's talking.
• 0:16
  But nobody's listening.
• 0:20
  Or, have you ever found yourself in a family meeting that feels like a debate competition?
• 0:27
  Ugh.
• 0:28
  We've all been there at one time or another.
• 0:31
  Let's face it, communication in relationships, especially in our families, is just hard and messy.
• 0:41
  I'm Cheryl Ang, your host, and today on the Parenting Podcast, we're unpacking some of those typical real life communication issues by diving into our own tales of miscommunication.
• 0:55
  The recording team shares real experiences and practical tips to help you to connect better on a deeper level with your loved ones.
• 1:04
  I'm glad you joined us today.
• 1:07
  Stay tuned for stories, laughs, and more.
• 1:09
  and insights on bridging the communication gap in your family.
• 1:21
  Cheryl: Good afternoon again, you two.
• 1:23
  Cheryl: Yes, hello.
• 1:24
  Cheryl: Hello.
• 1:24
  Cheryl: You
• 1:24
  Christie: doing well?
• 1:25
  Christie: Good, yeah.
• 1:26
  Christie: Yeah, trying to stay cool.
• 1:27
  Christie: Hot, hot, hot, hot.
• 1:28
  Christie: Okay,
• 1:29
  Cheryl: I have a question.
• 1:30
  Christie: Okay.
• 1:31
  Christie: Do you all watch reality shows?
• 1:33
  Christie: Oh, I love them.
• 1:36
  Christie: I don't know how real they are, but I think most of them are heavily produced, but yeah, I love people and I'm like, fascinated by the otter, the person, the more fascinating to me.
• 1:46
  Christie: So yeah, I love it.
• 1:47
  Ellen: Well, I like reality shows, like the really weird ones for about five minutes, just so I can watch people screaming and yelling at each other, like, oh my
• 1:55
  Laugh: gosh,
• 1:55
  Ellen: this is talking about
• 1:56
  Cheryl: like, The hoarding things?
• 1:59
  Cheryl: Oh, yeah, yeah.
• 1:59
  Cheryl: Oh, I love hoarders.
• 2:00
  Cheryl: Oh, I can't watch hoarders.
• 2:01
  Cheryl: That's my favorite.
• 2:01
  Cheryl: That's the only one that
• 2:03
  Christie: makes my stomach turn.
• 2:05
  Carol: what about
• 2:06
  Ellen: like 30 Day Fiancé?
• 2:08
  Ellen: Oh yeah, like the, where they get married blind
• 2:10
  Cheryl: or they'll follow like a couple and they go through their having children and what they do every day.
• 2:17
  Cheryl: Are y'all fans of that?
• 2:18
  Cheryl: Oh yeah, I love that
• 2:19
  Ellen: I
• 2:19
  Christie: know.
• 2:20
  Christie: I'm fascinated by the psychology side of it,
• 2:22
  Ellen: I
• 2:23
  Cheryl: don't like to watch that.
• 2:25
  Cheryl: I don't like vicariously looking at people with their struggles.
• 2:28
  Cheryl: Oh, okay.
• 2:30
  Cheryl: Well, I'd rather
• 2:30
  Christie: watch them go through it than me going through it
• 2:32
  Ellen: myself.
• 2:32
  Ellen: I know, and there's a little feeling of self righteousness going, well, at least I'm not that bad.
• 2:36
  Ellen: Yes, exactly.
• 2:37
  Ellen: Exactly.
• 2:37
  Ellen: Exactly.
• 2:38
  Cheryl: If the other shows were actually real reality shows.
• 2:43
  Cheryl: Because I just don't trust them.
• 2:45
  Cheryl: I'm figuring I
• 2:46
  Ellen: think The Hoarders is real.
• 2:48
  Cheryl: Yes, but the ones where they're getting married Like 90 Day Fiancé.
• 2:52
  Cheryl: All of that is so, to me, it's so Produced and, yeah, scripted.
• 2:56
  Cheryl: Yeah, it's very scripted.
• 2:58
  Cheryl: Get in an argument now over this.
• 3:00
  Cheryl: Uh huh.
• 3:01
  Cheryl: Oh, you didn't say that right.
• 3:02
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:02
  Cheryl: Like, what was the one, what's the one where they take people and they put Survivor?
• 3:08
  Cheryl: Oh, on an island?
• 3:09
  Cheryl: Yeah, is that considered a reality show?
• 3:11
  Christie: Yeah, I
• 3:12
  Ellen: think it was the original.
• 3:13
  Ellen: I mean, I think it was one of the very first reality shows.
• 3:15
  Ellen: And I liked Survivor.
• 3:17
  Cheryl: Survivor's kind of different.
• 3:18
  Cheryl: I have
• 3:18
  Ellen: another one that Mike and I like it's called alone and it's literally people like right now it's in the Arctic region and they drop them off.
• 3:26
  Ellen: I think I've seen part of this.
• 3:31
  Cheryl: And see, if that's legit, I would be interested in that.
• 3:33
  Cheryl: And I think that it
• 3:34
  Ellen: probably is pretty legit, because there's no one to act with.
• 3:37
  Ellen: You're literally alone by yourself.
• 3:40
  Ellen: You watch him build his shelter.
• 3:41
  Ellen: I mean, the cameraman.
• 3:42
  Ellen: No, they have their own camera.
• 3:43
  Ellen: Oh, wow.
• 3:45
  Ellen: So there's no cameraman.
• 3:46
  Ellen: You are A L O Oh my goodness.
• 3:48
  Ellen: So.
• 3:49
  Cheryl: Now that's, sounds real to me.
• 3:51
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:51
  Cheryl: Rather than
• 3:52
  Carol: many others Right.
• 3:54
  Carol: Okay.
• 3:54
  Carol: Yeah.
• 3:55
  Carol: So I kind of introduced this to you because, you're probably going, where are we going with this show?
• 4:00
  Christie: Parenting, the reality show.
• 4:02
  Christie: Well,
• 4:02
  Cheryl: that's it.
• 4:03
  Cheryl: I was reading something it was about communication skills.
• 4:06
  Cheryl: And when I was reading, and I thought, Oh, I didn't do all these very well.
• 4:12
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:12
  Cheryl: You know.
• 4:13
  Ellen: We can all relate to
• 4:14
  Cheryl: that.
• 4:14
  Cheryl: So, I thought, well, maybe we can do the TPP reality show that we can talk about how we didn't do communication as well as we'd like to.
• 4:24
  Cheryl: Yeah, that's something I have a lot to say on.
• 4:27
  Cheryl: I could fill like four hours just on me.
• 4:29
  Cheryl: Okay?
• 4:30
  Cheryl: Y'all want to try that?
• 4:30
  Cheryl: No, I like that.
• 4:31
  Ellen: Okay.
• 4:31
  Cheryl: Welcome to the TPP reality show.
• 4:35
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 4:36
  Cheryl: Okay, one of the things that we care about in families is relationship.
• 4:41
  Cheryl: Yes, yes.
• 4:41
  Cheryl: I mean, that's what family is.
• 4:42
  Cheryl: Right, right.
• 4:43
  Cheryl: And so however we become a family, it's relationship.
• 4:46
  Cheryl: And one of the biggest factors is communication.
• 4:48
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 4:49
  Cheryl: And.
• 4:49
  Cheryl: And If everybody were good at communication.
• 4:53
  Cheryl: Yeah, this would be an easy world, but we all stink at it, right?
• 4:57
  Cheryl: It's true.
• 4:57
  Cheryl: And so I know y'all well enough to know we all have learned a lot Yeah, and wish we had known what we know about communication Just with our family.
• 5:09
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:09
  Cheryl: Back when our babies were babies.
• 5:12
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 5:12
  Cheryl: So what I thought we'd do, kind of is we'd have true confessions that we'd talk about where we struggled in communication or even still the different issues that we struggled with and why that we could talk about them
• 5:28
  Ellen: it's a universal problem.
• 5:29
  Cheryl: Yeah, I don't think it's just me that I struggle with this, but I'm sure our listeners, that they're going to have similar struggles.
• 5:36
  Cheryl: Right.
• 5:37
  Cheryl: I think everybody, I,
• 5:38
  Christie: we all struggle in this area.
• 5:40
  Christie: Sometimes my
• 5:40
  Cheryl: dog doesn't even understand.
• 5:43
  Cheryl: Ellen, we're not sure all any of us are.
• 5:45
  Cheryl: No, but just like that, to, to laugh at something and I don't know, maybe that hurt her.
• 5:52
  Other: You
• 5:52
  Cheryl: know, so that's the problem.
• 5:54
  Cheryl: We don't want to live on pins and needles and not say anything or react honestly because we want open, honest, genuine communication.
• 6:03
  Cheryl: But there's a much bigger picture,
• 6:06
  Ellen: you
• 6:06
  Cheryl: know,
• 6:06
  Ellen: and knowing when to say something, when not to say something.
• 6:09
  Ellen: That's a really, that's a really hard
• 6:13
  Christie: Well, you know, at our house, we love like all those personality tests, like the Myers Briggs and Enneagram, and they've been so helpful to us for that very reason, because we're all so different.
• 6:24
  Christie: And if I assume you think and feel the exact same way I do without communication, it can be the end of the relationship.
• 6:33
  Christie: Well,
• 6:33
  Cheryl: She just said the word, assumptions right?
• 6:36
  Cheryl: I hate it because I have spent a lifetime bringing my assumptions to every conversation.
• 6:43
  Christie: Yeah, I've heard the term assume icide.
• 6:45
  Christie: Assuming kills the relationship.
• 6:48
  Christie: You
• 6:48
  Cheryl: always have great assumptions.
• 6:49
  Cheryl: That was a really
• 6:50
  Other: good one.
• 6:51
  Cheryl: You know, and like with exactly what you said.
• 6:54
  Cheryl: So of the six of us, That are, and I'm not taking in in laws, just the six of us and our family here.
• 7:01
  Cheryl: We are six different Myers Briggs, six different enneagrams.
• 7:06
  Cheryl: Oh, that's why assumptions and communication are a mess.
• 7:11
  Cheryl: Because of what we bring to every conversation, every interaction.
• 7:15
  Christie: I was well into my thirties, I think, before I really realized how diverse people are.
• 7:22
  Christie: Like I really thought we kind of had this overlapping, you know, the Venn diagram visual, you know, there might be some offshoots, but most of us are mostly the same and that's That's not helpful to think that way.
• 7:36
  Christie: Yeah, because you could
• 7:36
  Ellen: say one thing with six people in a room and everybody hears it differently.
• 7:40
  Ellen: And you're like, I didn't mean it that way.
• 7:42
  Ellen: And of course,
• 7:43
  Christie: in my mind, I was the middle of the Venn diagram.
• 7:45
  Christie: Like, everybody was like me, you know.
• 7:47
  Cheryl: That was my problem, is that was my assumption, is that other people saw life and filtered life the way I did.
• 7:55
  Cheryl: But I think
• 7:56
  Ellen: that's part of growing up, you know, as we mature, we realize, Oh, they didn't understand that because they have a totally different point of view or they had a totally different experience.
• 8:07
  Ellen: And unless we
• 8:07
  Christie: bring all of it to the table and communicate with one
• 8:10
  Ellen: another, it doesn't get sorted out.
• 8:12
  Ellen: Because My parents were strict in some ways, but they never told you anything until you did wrong.
• 8:20
  Ellen: And then it was like, Oh, I didn't know I wasn't supposed to do that.
• 8:24
  Ellen: Or I didn't, I didn't understand any of that.
• 8:26
  Ellen: And then they thought I was crazy because I didn't understand that I wasn't supposed to do that.
• 8:30
  Ellen: Well, you didn't tell me, you know,
• 8:32
  Christie: and even, even if a parent does try to communicate, you know, kids interpret things.
• 8:38
  Christie: Yes.
• 8:39
  Christie: I'm thinking of one funny thing.
• 8:41
  Christie: I used to think as a child, you know, the big tall radio antenna with the red flashing lights.
• 8:47
  Christie: I remember asking my dad what those were for and he said, Oh, that's for the radio station.
• 8:53
  Christie: I interpreted that as The DJ on the radio climbs that ladder and he records, he's out there, the satellite going out from the top of that tower and that he just lives there or something.
• 9:08
  Christie: I don't know what I thought.
• 9:09
  Christie: This is why
• 9:10
  Cheryl: communication is a mess.
• 9:12
  Cheryl: Because everybody comes to it with their perspectives, their personalities, and okay, I will do a little promo for those personality things.
• 9:21
  Cheryl: Mm
• 9:21
  Other: hmm.
• 9:22
  Cheryl: I have someone in my family who's certified in therapy and counseling and says, well mom, there are not, you know, double blind certified tests on it.
• 9:34
  Cheryl: But the way it benefits me is when I read about what hurts the other person or how they feel love.
• 9:43
  Cheryl: It helps me to see it because I would never think that, um, Only sitting and listening and not doing anything else shows love.
• 9:56
  Cheryl: Yeah, I mean that, that particular person, that particular person.
• 9:59
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:59
  Cheryl: And so that, that way I'm talking about quality time for love language.
• 10:03
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 10:04
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 10:04
  Cheryl: Because love language is plays into it and we're all on the map on that.
• 10:08
  Cheryl: And so Two quality timers., if I'm doing anything else, and if I like turn to brush a fly off, they go, okay, it's all right.
• 10:19
  Cheryl: And they would shut down because I quit giving them my attention.
• 10:23
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 10:23
  Other: Yeah.
• 10:24
  Cheryl: So coming in, trying to learn all of these different tests, not to put people in boxes because there's that
• 10:31
  Ellen: mistake.
• 10:32
  Ellen: But to know how, how that.
• 10:34
  Ellen: person because it's love language.
• 10:36
  Ellen: What language is, because kind of your example, I was thinking of one of my kids when they were little was a gift giver.
• 10:43
  Ellen: And so I'm not.
• 10:44
  Ellen: And so I remember one time I got her some pencils in the exact color that she loved.
• 10:50
  Ellen: You would have thought that I spent 400, you know, and I was, Shocked.
• 10:56
  Ellen: 'cause I was just starting to learn love language and I was kinda shocked and I realized, oh, well that's her love language.
• 11:01
  Ellen: So she felt really loved.
• 11:03
  Ellen: 'cause I picked the color and I meant to, I mean, yeah, picked the color she wanted and everything, but it was just a couple of pencils, you know?
• 11:10
  Ellen: Wow.
• 11:11
  Ellen: So where she could give me.
• 11:13
  Ellen: My favorite pencil and I write, Oh, thank you.
• 11:15
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 11:16
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 11:16
  Ellen: But if she cleaned the kitchen, I'd be, thank you.
• 11:20
  Cheryl: You know, so with that assumption, the things that they have taught us to do is to ask for clarification, So even like with a six year old, they say something to me, And I'm not sure how to take it taking the time rather than thinking, I know what you're saying to actually show the respect of, what I hear you saying is to do that clarification.
• 11:48
  Cheryl: That's really good.
• 11:49
  Cheryl: So are you telling me, you know, You don't want me involved in that?
• 11:53
  Cheryl: No, mom, I'm not saying I don't want you involved, but what I'm saying is, is when you do that, that makes me feel this way.
• 11:59
  Cheryl: It's been so good at taking out some of that, um, assumption stuff that's going on.
• 12:05
  Ellen: That's really good.
• 12:06
  Ellen: And not making it impersonal.
• 12:08
  Ellen: Right.
• 12:09
  Ellen: Oh, that's the number one rule right there.
• 12:12
  Ellen: You know, so then you kind of have a direction, okay, she doesn't mean this personally.
• 12:16
  Ellen: This is what makes her feel more comfortable when we're having a discussion.
• 12:19
  Ellen: Right,
• 12:19
  Christie: which is humility and saying that it might not be all about me, that I need to learn something more about my child and what their intentions are.
• 12:28
  Christie: Well, in the spirit of true confessions, How long you got?
• 12:35
  Christie: Um, And, you know, one thing I know that has been a big struggle for me in parenting and in communication has been tending to avoid the hard topics, the challenging things to talk to your kids about.
• 12:51
  Christie: It's not, honestly, it's not just with my kids, I do this in all my relationships, but You know, whether it be puberty and sex or death or war, all of those hard topics that we don't want to talk about.
• 13:05
  Christie: I, I really did my kids a disservice because I avoided so many of those topics.
• 13:10
  Christie: I was just talking to my sister in law and she's doing a fantastic job at this with her little ones and I told her, I said, you're doing way better than I did because I just, it was hard to bring in things that felt like They would pollute my little girls.
• 13:27
  Christie: Yeah, and if that's not helpful, you know You have to sometimes buckle down and talk about the hard thing.
• 13:33
  Cheryl: Okay, true confessions, you know So I did I did a lot of avoidance also, but it wasn't so much for that reason It's because harmony is really big to me.
• 13:45
  Cheryl: And so I wanted harmony So if you bring up Hard conversations and boundaries, that kind of balance in there, you're going to disrupt the harmony of what's going on.
• 13:57
  Cheryl: Or it's going along all right now, why would I go back and say, remember about this, we need to talk about this, it's going to stir it up again.
• 14:06
  Cheryl: So I made the mistake of not having some hard conversations I should have on the hill of Um, harmony,
• 14:17
  Ellen: right?
• 14:17
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 14:18
  Ellen: And I hated having conversations about people's feelings, you know, because I'd be like, I know I hurt their feelings.
• 14:26
  Ellen: Then I don't want to ask them because then I have to take responsibility that I accidentally hurt their feelings.
• 14:32
  Ellen: Most of the time, mine wasn't.
• 14:34
  Ellen: It was intentional.
• 14:34
  Ellen: It was just like a bull in a china shop kind of thing.
• 14:37
  Ellen: I, cause I wouldn't get offended by that, you know, and especially if you came from a kind of tough home.
• 14:42
  Ellen: You have a little thicker skin.
• 14:43
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 14:44
  Ellen: And so having, you know, we had a couple of sensitive kids out of five and it was always like, Oh, I couldn't imagine getting my feelings hurt about that, but you know, they
• 14:53
  Christie: did.
• 14:54
  Christie: And well, and I, I was, I feel the same way and now having young adult daughters, I realized there's a lot of things that would be, um, more sensitive to bring, to bring up now, like talking about their feelings, maybe their, their relationships with their sisters, um, that I can't really always speak into because at this point in their lives, it's really none of my business, but when they were four and six, that would have been prime time to sit down and take them for ice cream and say, Hey, how are you feeling about the way your sister was.
• 15:28
  Christie: You know, treating you when you were playing that game.
• 15:29
  Christie: Let's talk about that and get into some of those hard things that you, you know, I would have to assume
• 15:35
  Ellen: you just, what you just said hurt your sister's feelings.
• 15:38
  Ellen: So apologize.
• 15:41
  Ellen: So what you're actually describing is
• 15:43
  Cheryl: another mistake that I made.
• 15:46
  Cheryl: It's Yeah.
• 15:46
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:46
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:47
  Cheryl: Reacting rather than responding.
• 15:49
  Cheryl: Good night.
• 15:49
  Cheryl: We could talk about that all day.
• 15:51
  Cheryl: You know, and this goes from even little tiny ones.
• 15:55
  Cheryl: Right.
• 15:55
  Cheryl: You know, it's not just your teenagers.
• 15:58
  Cheryl: It's even little ones that, but I react out of my emotions.
• 16:04
  Cheryl: Right.
• 16:04
  Cheryl: Or the disharmony of what's happening or whatever.
• 16:07
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:07
  Cheryl: Or
• 16:08
  Ellen: your personal confusion that you don't understand why, what's
• 16:11
  Christie: going on.
• 16:12
  Christie: I remember one time.
• 16:14
  Christie: I may have told this story before, but the, the baby was asleep.
• 16:19
  Christie: The youngest baby.
• 16:20
  Christie: It was my youngest daughter.
• 16:21
  Christie: And the bathtub was on the same wall, you know, as her bedroom.
• 16:25
  Christie: And the older girls are running and screaming and I'm just, you know, the baby sleeping is a fragile thing.
• 16:31
  Christie: Yes.
• 16:32
  Christie: Yes.
• 16:32
  Christie: And I'm like, if they wake that baby up and I'm trying to run a bath for the toddler.
• 16:36
  Christie: And so I just lose it and I scream, stop screaming, you're going to wake the baby.
• 16:42
  Christie: And of course I was a baby and it was that reaction.
• 16:46
  Christie: Then I was, I was humbled because I put myself in the same situation I was trying to stop.
• 16:52
  Christie: But yeah, it's just that impulsive reacting without thinking about it logically is never helpful.
• 16:58
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:59
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:59
  Cheryl: Well, I'm trying to think, okay, what would have stopped us in all of this?
• 17:05
  Cheryl: And it's
• 17:05
  Ellen: sometimes we're in a pressure cooker.
• 17:08
  Ellen: Especially when our kids are little, you know, you've got 20 million things going on.
• 17:12
  Ellen: Because
• 17:13
  Cheryl: we haven't built margin in.
• 17:14
  Cheryl: Right.
• 17:15
  Ellen: And we're burned out.
• 17:16
  Ellen: And sometimes it's just
• 17:17
  Christie: crazy.
• 17:17
  Christie: Right.
• 17:17
  Christie: That's true.
• 17:18
  Christie: I was going to say,
• 17:18
  Ellen: I would feel like most of the time, it wasn't a matter of margin.
• 17:21
  Ellen: It was just, it was crazy.
• 17:22
  Ellen: We just had a lot of stuff going on.
• 17:24
  Ellen: We lived in a very public place, like base housing.
• 17:27
  Ellen: Everybody's watching you.
• 17:28
  Ellen: You know, Everybody knows what everybody else does and that wasn't necessarily a motivation but it was still this pressure cooker of every time something happened.
• 17:40
  Cheryl: Okay, because you're right.
• 17:42
  Cheryl: Things just happen, right?
• 17:44
  Cheryl: So margin helps that I'm not frazzled.
• 17:48
  Cheryl: That's why I said margin, not just time margin.
• 17:52
  Cheryl: But what we've talked about before, if I have a.
• 17:55
  Cheryl: enough margin that I have some emotional bandwidth that I don't spring immediately with my emotions, but I can catch a breath.
• 18:05
  Christie: Yeah,
• 18:06
  Ellen: Well, everything's not a 10.
• 18:08
  Ellen: That's where I struggled with.
• 18:10
  Ellen: I thought everything was a 10.
• 18:11
  Ellen: Yes.
• 18:12
  Ellen: And then if you mess up over here, then your child forever.
• 18:16
  Ellen: The tyranny of the urgent.
• 18:17
  Ellen: Perfect.
• 18:18
  Ellen: That's exactly it.
• 18:19
  Ellen: And so That's why you lose it, cause you think everything at that moment is
• 18:23
  Christie: critical.
• 18:24
  Christie: And I think using the off time, when it's not chaotic and crazy to grow in self awareness.
• 18:32
  Christie: Yeah.
• 18:32
  Christie: Grow as a student of your children or your spouse or whatever.
• 18:36
  Christie: Or yourself.
• 18:37
  Christie: Yeah, yeah, yourself.
• 18:38
  Christie: And be open.
• 18:40
  Christie: Pre decide and think ahead of very good when there's conflict with this person, how do I wanna respond?
• 18:46
  Christie: It at least gives you a starting point.
• 18:48
  Christie: Very good.
• 18:49
  Ellen: And I learned to go to my room not when, yes, you did not.
• 18:53
  Ellen: When the kids were really little, you didn't do that.
• 18:55
  Ellen: But you know, as they got older, I realized rather than send the whole house to their room, I need to go to my room because I needed to do that margin.
• 19:02
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 19:03
  Ellen: I needed to just get outta the chaos and take a breath.
• 19:06
  Ellen: Right.
• 19:06
  Cheryl: And Alan, I will tell you.
• 19:09
  Cheryl: I get feedback from a lot of listeners, and one of the things I hear regularly is, I'm so glad to hear Ellen sends herself on a time out.
• 19:19
  Cheryl: Because that is such an effective tool.
• 19:21
  Cheryl: It's a great one.
• 19:23
  Cheryl: I wish I had learned it sooner, but it really helps.
• 19:25
  Cheryl: And then another
• 19:28
  Carol: helpful tool It's community.
• 19:30
  Other: Yeah.
• 19:30
  Other: Yeah.
• 19:30
  Other: To have
• 19:30
  Cheryl: good people speaking into my life to say, Cheryl, you have no bandwidth.
• 19:37
  Cheryl: You're not giving yourself any margin.
• 19:39
  Cheryl: Give yourself a break or go take a, but a different kind of timeout.
• 19:42
  Cheryl: Not because I'm reacting angrily, but I have nothing left to give.
• 19:47
  Cheryl: You have to have breathing room.
• 19:48
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:48
  Cheryl: I have
• 19:48
  Ellen: to get a breath once in a while.
• 19:49
  Christie: Well, and the other value that comes from community is going back to what we talked about everybody being different.
• 19:55
  Christie: I have, I have friends who resonate.
• 19:58
  Christie: who relate more with some of my daughters than I do, so they can speak into a situation with perspective of a similar personality or temperament.
• 20:09
  Christie: Yes.
• 20:09
  Christie: That I just think they're living on Mars with their perspective, but this, you know, friend can tell me, hey, this is probably where she's coming from on that.
• 20:18
  Christie: Well, that's
• 20:19
  Ellen: what I would do.
• 20:20
  Ellen: I had a couple of girlfriends that were similar to a couple of my, What I considered harder to understand temperaments in my home and I would ask him, I did A, B and C and then they got mad and they're like, well, yeah, and then, and when they explained it, I went, Oh, because they were a different temperament.
• 20:40
  Ellen: They could totally see it from that point of view.
• 20:42
  Ellen: And I just was like, what is wrong with my kid?
• 20:44
  Ellen: No, Ellen, this is what did they heard?
• 20:48
  Cheryl: Hilarious.
• 20:49
  Cheryl: You use the phrase, harder to understand temperaments, which really means hashtag different from me.
• 20:57
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 20:58
  Cheryl: It's assumptions.
• 20:59
  Cheryl: It's so true.
• 21:00
  Cheryl: It's so true.
• 21:01
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 21:02
  Cheryl: I don't know if anyone gave it to me, But somewhere, when my first two were around 20, so I had two around 20, and teens, and a preteen.
• 21:15
  Cheryl: The idea, of when we're talking about something, particularly trying to figure something out, like they're trying to talk me into something or there's a, there's an issue of conflict between my parenting them and what they want.
• 21:28
  Cheryl: And they want to convince you.
• 21:30
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 21:30
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 21:31
  Cheryl: And so we do have conversations.
• 21:33
  Cheryl: I'm All about, we say here all the time, conversations, conversations, and I want to listen and acknowledge and hear their hearts and show respect of what they're saying.
• 21:44
  Cheryl: But I came up with the one rule.
• 21:46
  Cheryl: right now we're going to talk about one topic.
• 21:49
  Cheryl: And so let's say it's, whatever, they've not come in when they're supposed to or followed through on something.
• 21:56
  Cheryl: Oh, it's a teenager and they want to go to a party or something.
• 21:58
  Cheryl: Right.
• 21:58
  Cheryl: And I'm concerned.
• 21:59
  Cheryl: They need to convince you.
• 22:00
  Cheryl: And trying to talk me into what a great idea it is and when we're talking and we're going back and forth and go, well, but let's consider this, but consider this or this.
• 22:09
  Cheryl: And then if they see they aren't making the headway they need to make.
• 22:14
  Cheryl: They'll say, well, that's not fair because I couldn't drive cars, or I couldn't, and everybody else got a fine, and you never, you never, and you didn't do this, or a mistake I made in the past.
• 22:24
  Cheryl: I didn't
• 22:25
  Ellen: get to leave the house until I was 13.
• 22:28
  Cheryl: And what this freed me up to do is say, And I've, I've said it here before, okay.
• 22:34
  Cheryl: I can hear you're saying all that and I can even hear your emotions behind it.
• 22:38
  Cheryl: But right now we're talking about whether or not you can go to this party Saturday night.
• 22:43
  Cheryl: And so that's what we're going to talk about.
• 22:45
  Cheryl: Well, that's not fair.
• 22:46
  Cheryl: You're not listening to me.
• 22:47
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 22:48
  Cheryl: And we used to have like.
• 22:49
  Cheryl: These things called paper calendars, and I go right there next to the refrigerator is a paper calendar, and you write down when you want to talk about these other things, and I promise you I will show up and we'll do it.
• 23:00
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 23:00
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 23:01
  Cheryl: That's good.
• 23:02
  Cheryl: Never, no one ever do it.
• 23:03
  Cheryl: Not one single time.
• 23:05
  Cheryl: Right.
• 23:05
  Cheryl: Five children.
• 23:07
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 23:07
  Cheryl: Because the
• 23:08
  Ellen: children are reacting.
• 23:09
  Ellen: Right.
• 23:10
  Ellen: And they're panicking.
• 23:11
  Ellen: Right.
• 23:12
  Cheryl: And they're manipulating.
• 23:12
  Cheryl: And they're using all of those things for material.
• 23:15
  Cheryl: And they, and they manipulated those in the conversation.
• 23:17
  Carol: Right.
• 23:18
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 23:18
  Carol: Yes.
• 23:18
  Cheryl: And so it has to be, I would say, back at me also.
• 23:22
  Cheryl: Because when I'm
• 23:23
  Carol: doing it wrongly I want to pull in, well, and you also didn't do your homework.
• 23:27
  Christie: Yeah
• 23:28
  Carol: And then when everybody else was participating, you did this.
• 23:31
  Carol: Yes I'm not allowed to do it either.
• 23:33
  Carol: I'm talking about the stinky thing of bringing in other things To help my argue my case
• 23:39
  Other: I need
• 23:39
  Cheryl: to stick to the topic.
• 23:40
  Christie: right?
• 23:41
  Christie: I think Cheryl that's probably in the top ten pieces of advice Maybe the top three piece of advice you've given me that has helped me so much Especially having daughters, but I I just think you're right.
• 23:54
  Christie: They use all of those things and You know, it's like you also say, listen to everything they say and nothing they say, because sometimes in the material they're drawing from does come out a core issue that you didn't know was underlying.
• 24:09
  Christie: Um, so it is important to get to those things that they do want to talk about it later.
• 24:14
  Christie: But most of the time, they're just collecting material to get what they're wanting.
• 24:19
  Christie: Because it's like a courtroom.
• 24:20
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 24:21
  Cheryl: Okay, we're both making our cases, but I can't do it either.
• 24:24
  Cheryl: And adults do it also.
• 24:25
  Cheryl: Bully pulpit.
• 24:26
  Cheryl: Right.
• 24:27
  Ellen: Well, I think it's a skill that when you learn now, and you teach children how to it carries them through life, because it's just a core, core skill.
• 24:34
  Ellen: Communication skills.
• 24:35
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 24:35
  Ellen: To
• 24:35
  Christie: isolate the issue at hand.
• 24:37
  Christie: And, yeah.
• 24:37
  Christie: Stay on topic.
• 24:38
  Christie: Right.
• 24:38
  Christie: And not get sucked into the emotions of all of it.
• 24:41
  Christie: Yes.
• 24:41
  Cheryl: One of the things recently that's really helped me.
• 24:46
  Cheryl: So it happens to be in the book of James in the Bible, in the first chapter, it says, be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to react.
• 24:53
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 24:54
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 24:54
  Cheryl: And always I'm going, Oh, if I could quit being quick to speak.
• 24:58
  Cheryl: So that's where I've, uh, I've focused most of my effort there is shut up and let the other person talk and don't interrupt, which is really good.
• 25:07
  Cheryl: But interrupting is
• 25:07
  Carol: bad But it's be quick to listen.
• 25:09
  Carol: And when I studied what that word actually means, it means to listen for understanding.
• 25:16
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 25:17
  Ellen: Wow.
• 25:17
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 25:18
  Cheryl: And that changes everything.
• 25:20
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:20
  Cheryl: Not
• 25:20
  Ellen: listening to give an answer.
• 25:21
  Ellen: Yes.
• 25:22
  Ellen: Yes.
• 25:22
  Ellen: But listening to understand the heart of what that person's struggling with or talking about or the real issue that's bothering them.
• 25:30
  Cheryl: That is so good.
• 25:31
  Cheryl: It has changed everything, and I have to remind myself, Oh, wait.
• 25:36
  Cheryl: Listen for understanding
• 25:38
  Christie: well, yeah, and we've all been on the receiving end of that when you know someone's just waiting their turn to get the reply more than they are listening to you.
• 25:46
  Christie: And I know that I, I will receive what that person's saying a lot more if I feel like I've seen and validated in what I've shared with them.
• 25:57
  Christie: But if I know they're just sitting on the edge of the seat waiting for their response, which I'm guilty of, then I feel like I'm not part of the equation here.
• 26:05
  Christie: They just want to be right.
• 26:06
  Christie: Or they just want to be, you know.
• 26:07
  Christie: Tell you what to do.
• 26:08
  Christie: Yes.
• 26:09
  Christie: Give you good advice.
• 26:09
  Christie: Right.
• 26:10
  Christie: For their own ego's sake.
• 26:11
  Christie: Yeah.
• 26:12
  Christie: I need to work on that too.
• 26:13
  Cheryl: Yeah, that it takes practice.
• 26:15
  Cheryl: Yes, and intentionality and Uh, even saying, I'm sorry.
• 26:21
  Cheryl: Right.
• 26:22
  Cheryl: I reacted really quickly to that.
• 26:24
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:24
  Cheryl: That's good.
• 26:25
  Cheryl: Would you forgive me?
• 26:26
  Cheryl: Let's back up and I really want to hear what you have
• 26:28
  Ellen: to say.
• 26:29
  Ellen: Because these are skills we can learn.
• 26:31
  Ellen: They're not just innate things that we have.
• 26:34
  Ellen: All of the, especially in the area of communication, these are things we all need to learn.
• 26:40
  Ellen: Everybody can improve their communication by just figuring out a few things and then thinking about.
• 26:45
  Ellen: What do I do to violate those things like you were sharing, Cheryl, I mean, I'm usually, you know, five steps ahead of what somebody's telling me and I realize I'm not really listening.
• 26:54
  Ellen: I've just formed or I'm thinking about the tower they're building in Oklahoma City.
• 27:00
  Christie: Well, and I, I, I have had people say to me, you know, I don't really know for sure what I feel about that.
• 27:08
  Christie: Could I get back to you?
• 27:09
  Christie: Yeah, that's great.
• 27:10
  Christie: And I've really respected that.
• 27:12
  Christie: And I think that's a good example to me to not have to feel like I'm, I need to give an answer right now or a response right now, because it may not be.
• 27:20
  Christie: The accurate response.
• 27:22
  Christie: It might not be the response I want to give if I really take some time to think about it.
• 27:26
  Christie: I want to grow in that.
• 27:27
  Cheryl: You know, and I'm thinking particularly as our children are aging, and they might have a different perspective on politics or faith or values or worldview or climate change or education, whatever it is, that we don't have to be there with all of them.
• 27:47
  Cheryl: Let me tell you my 10 reasons, but instead particularly if it's a little heated or weighted, to come back and say, Hey, I've really thought about what you said and show them great respect to listen to them.
• 28:01
  Cheryl: Absolutely.
• 28:02
  Ellen: And also having the judgment to go.
• 28:05
  Ellen: I'm not going there, right.
• 28:07
  Ellen: Not disrespectfully, but it's like, I don't need to convince them and they're not going to convince me.
• 28:13
  Ellen: And that doesn't
• 28:13
  Christie: have to be a defining point in our relationship.
• 28:16
  Christie: And I think that, that a lot of times that can be the, The braver and more humble way to go about something is I've listened to you.
• 28:23
  Christie: I hear your perspective.
• 28:26
  Christie: Don't agree.
• 28:27
  Christie: Yeah, but see how cute my dog is.
• 28:29
  Ellen: We're changing the subject.
• 28:30
  Ellen: Right, exactly.
• 28:32
  Cheryl: That we show respect.
• 28:33
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 28:33
  Cheryl: And that we continue not treating anybody as other.
• 28:37
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 28:37
  Cheryl: You know, but we can love each other and disagree.
• 28:41
  Cheryl: And I
• 28:41
  Ellen: think that's a really hard thing because, especially for our children.
• 28:44
  Ellen: Right.
• 28:45
  Ellen: Everything is polarized.
• 28:46
  Ellen: Yes, that's so true.
• 28:47
  Ellen: But I mean, we just assumed that our kids are going to have our values, agree with how we did it, you know, think all of these things, you know, were good.
• 28:57
  Ellen: And then when they do it a different way, and it might not even be a bad way, it's just different.
• 29:01
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 29:02
  Ellen: Oh, you're smarter than me.
• 29:04
  Christie: Right.
• 29:05
  Christie: I think that can be a really, um, it's not something I did, but I think it can be a really empowering and, um, helpful thing to do for our young kids of start to practice some of that, you know, Oh, do you like, do you like this kind of, um, you know, like the crayons or paint better?
• 29:22
  Christie: Well, I, I don't agree with you.
• 29:24
  Christie: I like the paint better.
• 29:25
  Christie: Well, that's okay.
• 29:26
  Christie: You know, we can like different things and that, that helps them have some freedom to be individuals.
• 29:31
  Christie: Right.
• 29:32
  Christie: That is good.
• 29:33
  Cheryl: So we're running out of time.
• 29:35
  Cheryl: This is so good.
• 29:37
  Cheryl: The nice thing about it all, because we could say, boy, I'm beating myself up for all the mistakes I did, but instead of that, remember, this is a process.
• 29:46
  Cheryl: All of life is a process.
• 29:47
  Other: Yes.
• 29:48
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 29:49
  Cheryl: And then just to give grace, I think grace and humility would be the two characteristics to bring to this kind of conversation that we love the others instead of just focusing on ourselves.
• 30:00
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 30:01
  Cheryl: That's really true.
• 30:02
  Cheryl: That's very good.
• 30:04
  Cheryl: Hey, y'all are great.
• 30:05
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 30:05
  Cheryl: Hey, parents, remember, hang in there.
• 30:10
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 30:13
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 30:20
  Hey, I hope you enjoyed our conversation today.
• 30:24
  Think back to your last family dinner.
• 30:29
  Was it a jumble of overlapping competing voices or a healthy exchange of thoughts and feelings?
• 30:39
  Our team's stories of miscommunication aren't just anecdotes, they're lessons from real life that we can all learn from.
• 30:48
  This week I challenge you to practice active listening with your family.
• 30:53
  Remember, it's not just about hearing words, but seeking to understand the person, the heart behind them.
• 31:02
  We'd love to hear how it goes and what challenges or successes you encounter.
• 31:07
  Reach out to us on our website, engage with us on social media.
• 31:11
  Or drop us a line at contact@theparentingpodcast.com.
• 31:17
  Your experiences could inspire and help others in our TPP community.
• 31:22
  Until next time, let's keep learning and growing together.
• 31:26
  Don't forget a single, thoughtful conversation could make a world of difference.
• 31:33
  See you soon.