Latest / Mama Making Podcast / Shree Rego | Stop Parenting on Autopilot: The Four Patterns Keeping Moms Stuck — and How to Break Them

Transcript

Shree Rego | Stop Parenting on Autopilot: The Four Patterns Keeping Moms Stuck — and How to Break Them · Mama Making Podcast

0:10
SPEAKER_01: Hello and welcome to the Mama Making Podcast, where we share stories of moms making impact in their own lives and in the world around them.
0:18
SPEAKER_01: I'm Jessica, and each week I sit down with women who are building businesses, leading communities, shaping culture, and redefining what success looks like inside of motherhood.
0:28
SPEAKER_01: Because motherhood does not have to stop your ambition.
0:31
SPEAKER_01: It can transform it.
0:32
SPEAKER_02: Now let's get into it.
0:38
SPEAKER_01: Hello everyone, and welcome to the Mama Making Podcast.
0:41
SPEAKER_01: I'm your host, Jessica.
0:42
SPEAKER_01: If you're new, welcome.
0:43
SPEAKER_01: If you're not new, then welcome back.
0:44
SPEAKER_01: Today I am thrilled to have Shri Rigo on the podcast.
0:48
SPEAKER_01: Shri is a coach, a single mom, and an entrepreneur who pursued her dreams while raising her kids.
0:54
SPEAKER_01: And she also built a practice helping working moms do exactly the same.
0:59
SPEAKER_01: Through her coaching, she helps working moms raise good humans while breaking down the generational patterns they inherit, building lives that are genuinely their own.
1:09
SPEAKER_01: Her work centers a core truth.
1:12
SPEAKER_01: Raising good humans starts with raising ourselves first.
1:15
SPEAKER_01: Through awareness, intentional modeling, and emotional teaching, conscious pattern breaking, she gives working mothers the tools to stop reacting and start leading in their families and in their lives.
1:27
SPEAKER_01: Shree, I am so excited to have you here.
1:29
SPEAKER_01: Thanks for being with us.
1:31
SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
1:31
SPEAKER_00: I'm so excited to be here.
1:33
SPEAKER_00: And it's always it every time I hear that, I'm hearing that introduction.
1:38
SPEAKER_00: I love hearing it.
1:39
SPEAKER_00: That's funny.
1:40
SPEAKER_01: I did do that.
1:41
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
1:41
SPEAKER_01: Well, tell us more about you, who you are, where you're from, whatever you're comfortable sharing.
1:45
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:46
SPEAKER_00: Well, as you mentioned, a lot of it, you did a great introduction.
1:50
SPEAKER_00: I've been coaching for gosh going on almost 10 years now.
1:53
SPEAKER_00: And I started just really wanting to help women know that they could achieve what they want to be really fulfilled.
2:00
SPEAKER_00: And I think most of us think we can't have it all.
2:03
SPEAKER_00: We may not be able to have it all at that one moment, but we really can.
2:07
SPEAKER_00: And I'm a single mom from the time my children were really young.
2:11
SPEAKER_00: They were both in diapers and raised them 100% on my own.
2:16
SPEAKER_00: And I really, it was important to me to help other women.
2:21
SPEAKER_00: But the what really happened is over time with my clients, they were all moms.
2:26
SPEAKER_00: I started with women and all moms, and they all had the same um issues or desires.
2:33
SPEAKER_00: And I found these common patterns.
2:36
SPEAKER_00: And then I really got into it because I didn't start as a parent knowing all of this, right?
2:41
SPEAKER_00: I had the patterns and I was really, really aware and I wanted to break those patterns.
2:47
SPEAKER_00: So most of us were parenting on autopilot are repeating patterns that we didn't choose.
2:53
SPEAKER_00: And so I work with moms to break that cycle and uh be able to raise good humans and get the close, trusting relationship that they've always wanted with their kids.
3:06
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's so incredible.
3:07
SPEAKER_01: And I think everybody can identify with the autopilot mode.
3:11
SPEAKER_01: And I think that nowhere, no space in our parenthood journey is gonna keep us from that.
3:17
SPEAKER_01: I think life gets crazy and life is busy and we just default back to what we know.
3:23
SPEAKER_01: I would love to talk more about where this all started.
3:26
SPEAKER_01: You gave you gave us a little bit of an introduction, but I think maybe it's best to go chronological, where it all started and then how you got here.
3:34
SPEAKER_00: Well, I think I was always from the time I was really young, I can remember being 16 and already doing clippings of my dream house and my career and imagination.
3:48
SPEAKER_00: And before vision boards were a thing, before we had Instagram, I had folders of clippings of quotes and everything.
3:55
SPEAKER_00: And so I was always a dreamer and I was always pretty optimistic.
3:59
SPEAKER_00: And life got in the way, and my own limiting beliefs and patterns ended up choosing the wrong person to marry, the wrong father for my children.
4:11
SPEAKER_00: I needed the career, first of all.
4:12
SPEAKER_00: I had to support my children financially, but I also wanted to work.
4:16
SPEAKER_00: I want women to hear that it's okay to want to work.
4:20
SPEAKER_00: And I still was able to raise great kids, they're now 25 and almost 24, be working and still having a great relationship with them.
4:31
SPEAKER_00: And did I mess up?
4:33
SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
4:34
SPEAKER_00: Um, but and that's where I started to really, as as I went on into the coaching career, I was in the corporate world forever.
4:41
SPEAKER_00: And I did coaching on the side for a while, and then I left 100% the corporate world three years ago.
4:47
SPEAKER_00: And I was always entrepreneurial, I always had businesses, left, went back, had a had a couple of businesses.
4:54
SPEAKER_00: And I did this all with little babies, with little kids, with with middle schoolers and high school and the and the whole and the whole thing.
5:01
SPEAKER_00: So I think, and I would hear like I would see women just settle or be really stressed or unhappy and think that they could not do it.
5:11
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, no, it's so and they'd say, why, why are you why are you able to do this?
5:15
SPEAKER_00: And so I really I made it my mission.
5:19
SPEAKER_00: It's we do not need to settle for a life that we don't want.
5:23
SPEAKER_00: We the guilt is so heavy.
5:26
SPEAKER_00: Um I had a mom that she worked a little bit, but she was mostly a stay-at-home mom.
5:32
SPEAKER_00: And I think that that's just what her expectation of me was going to be.
5:36
SPEAKER_00: So I had guilt that I wasn't that I was divorced, that I was raising the kids on my own.
5:43
SPEAKER_00: Uh, I had guilt for them that I took them away from that, although it was the best thing that I could have done for their their mental and emotional.
5:51
SPEAKER_00: So yeah, so that's where it started.
5:53
SPEAKER_00: Um just really, and and it's still my mission.
5:57
SPEAKER_00: If I help one woman or thousands of women, I'm happy.
6:02
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's amazing.
6:03
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think that I love the concept of women can do it all and moms can do it all because I believe that we can.
6:11
SPEAKER_01: But I think in something that you were getting at, it's not all gonna happen at once.
6:15
SPEAKER_01: And I think we have this idea, or um maybe it's like a cultural societal belief that you need to be building a business or or building climbing the ladder and having kids and being an amazing mom and being an amazing wife and friend and family member and sister.
6:33
SPEAKER_01: We have so much pressure on ourselves.
6:36
SPEAKER_01: And when we're not meeting all of that because it's physically impossible to do, we get that guilt factor of like, I'm not doing it enough.
6:44
SPEAKER_01: I'm not doing it well enough.
6:46
SPEAKER_01: I know I definitely experienced that as well, where I it took me a very long time.
6:51
SPEAKER_01: And I'm still learning through it that I can have everything I want to have.
6:55
SPEAKER_01: It's just not gonna all happen at the same time, and it's not gonna look the way that I thought it would.
7:01
SPEAKER_01: And um, I think as we continue to grow as moms and as people, that starts to evolve a bit and and we change what we see it looking like.
7:11
SPEAKER_01: Is that something that you experienced a lot, not only yourself, but then with the clients that you have worked with?
7:16
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and I think there's this whole work-life balance thing going on out there.
7:20
SPEAKER_00: And I am here to tell everyone, it's a bunch of shit.
7:24
SPEAKER_00: There is no work-life balance.
7:26
SPEAKER_00: There may be a time where you feel a little balanced, but there's a season, right?
7:32
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it's going to be crazy.
7:34
SPEAKER_00: I had two kids in diapers and I was getting out the door as a single mom, bringing them to daycare, feeling guilty because they were going to daycare.
7:42
SPEAKER_00: By the way, they thrived, so they were okay.
7:45
SPEAKER_00: And then you know, coming home and picking them up, and I'm there when I am in heels and all dressed up in my corporate job and making them dinner and giving them baths.
7:53
SPEAKER_00: So, no, there was no work-life balance at that time.
7:57
SPEAKER_00: It's how you determine where you can find a little bit of peace or you can have that self-care, which is so important.
8:04
SPEAKER_00: And we don't do that enough.
8:06
SPEAKER_00: We just don't.
8:07
SPEAKER_00: There's this misconception that yes, we can have it all, but when we have it all, it's balanced and it's perfect.
8:14
SPEAKER_00: It will not never be perfect.
8:16
SPEAKER_00: It can be perfect in how we feel to some degree, right?
8:19
SPEAKER_00: But it'll never be what we think is perfect.
8:22
SPEAKER_01: The adjusting of our expectations that we physically and quite literally cannot do all of these things at 100% all of the time.
8:32
SPEAKER_01: And it's just shifting.
8:34
SPEAKER_01: What is the priority now?
8:36
SPEAKER_01: I put have to put this on the back burner.
8:38
SPEAKER_01: And I think once we start to realize we're not gonna do 100% of it 100% of the time, and start to realize it's like a sliding scale.
8:48
SPEAKER_01: Whatever we're able to make happen at one time is is what it is.
8:54
SPEAKER_01: And I think that for me specifically, I know that guilt factor always exists.
8:59
SPEAKER_01: I'm I'm always like, well, maybe I should just burn it all down and stay home with my son and I won't feel like I'm missing anything.
9:05
SPEAKER_01: Or, but then the next day I'm like, I gotta work.
9:09
SPEAKER_01: I have things to do that are exciting and important for me.
9:12
SPEAKER_01: And I want my child to see me doing what I'm excited and passionate about.
9:18
SPEAKER_01: So there's that push and pull of what do I need to feel best?
9:22
SPEAKER_01: What do what does my family need for us to exist in a way that we're all thriving and happy?
9:29
SPEAKER_01: And I think it's just allowing yourself to fail and succeed and do all of it to see what fits.
9:37
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
9:37
SPEAKER_00: And I think you just you touched upon something that when you said you just burn it all and and guilty, and should I just be here with my son?
9:46
SPEAKER_00: And I have to tell you, I think one of the reasons why I have such great kids, they're they're they're self-sufficient, they're resilient, they're compassionate, but they're also the relationship I have with them is because I they did see me with a good work ethic.
10:07
SPEAKER_00: And they did see me there for them, but still doing other things.
10:12
SPEAKER_00: Like my daughter's 25 and she respects that I had a career.
10:16
SPEAKER_00: They don't hold it against me.
10:18
SPEAKER_00: They they admire that I did the things that I wanted to do.
10:21
SPEAKER_00: But I but because I was still there for them, I I did always find a way.
10:26
SPEAKER_00: There wasn't a single game that I missed, and I'm a single mom.
10:30
SPEAKER_00: And so there were sacrifices, and I don't even like to use the word sacrifice, right?
10:35
SPEAKER_00: There were choices that I made that were important to me that I think benefited my relationship with my kids.
10:42
SPEAKER_00: At the time, they were challenging for me, but it but I made that there's an awareness and I had an intention.
10:47
SPEAKER_00: I was like, okay, what do I want my children to grow up to be?
10:53
SPEAKER_00: And what kind of relationship when they're 25 years old, do I want with them?
10:58
SPEAKER_00: And I had a very different relationship with my mom and dad.
11:01
SPEAKER_00: God bless them.
11:01
SPEAKER_00: They're no longer here on earth, but and they did a really great job in so many ways, but they had patterns that were so deep-rooted that they passed on.
11:11
SPEAKER_00: And when you're a kid, you still look at your parents as they are perfection.
11:16
SPEAKER_00: They are supposed to know it all, right?
11:19
SPEAKER_00: You don't have the ability to recognize that they're just another human being.
11:22
SPEAKER_00: So it took me into my adulthood to realize my parents did the best they could.
11:26
SPEAKER_00: But I was so aware that I wanted a different relationship with my kids when they were teenagers than what I had with my parents.
11:35
SPEAKER_00: So that's also where it started.
11:37
SPEAKER_00: That's where I was, I knew there were different patterns that I needed to break in order to change.
11:43
SPEAKER_00: That it was gonna, I verbal abuse was so prevalent growing up for me.
11:49
SPEAKER_00: And I didn't want my kids to be to have a household like that.
11:53
SPEAKER_00: So that was a pattern that I knew.
11:55
SPEAKER_00: I have four patterns that I've studied that have become prevalent with my clients.
12:01
SPEAKER_00: And I'm sure that we could come up with more, but these are the four that are what I find to be most visible.
12:08
SPEAKER_00: And I was a reactive pattern repeater.
12:11
SPEAKER_00: So I would, I was always stressed.
12:14
SPEAKER_00: I was financially stressed, I was stressed with work, and I would yell.
12:18
SPEAKER_00: But I was like, I get triggered and I would yell.
12:21
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I can't, I can't raise my kids this way.
12:23
SPEAKER_00: This is how my dad was.
12:25
SPEAKER_00: I don't want them to grow up in this household.
12:26
SPEAKER_00: So that also started me on that, on this, on this path.
13:08
unknown: Yeah.
13:08
SPEAKER_01: So tell us this is the perfect segue.
13:10
SPEAKER_01: Tell us the four things that have come through your coaching that you have seen that are very common and prevalent for the people that you've Yeah.
13:18
SPEAKER_00: So I have five steps to help us recognize or to get through that.
13:22
SPEAKER_00: And then I have the four patterns that are determined through a quiz that I developed.
13:27
SPEAKER_00: So there's the overcompensating protector.
13:30
SPEAKER_00: And there was a little bit of me in this as well, because we want to rescue our kids and we want to give them what we didn't have.
13:39
SPEAKER_00: I was from a generation that my parents were the generation of World War II and the depression era.
13:45
SPEAKER_00: So it grew up very different.
13:47
SPEAKER_00: And I wanted to provide my kids with what I didn't think I had, right?
13:52
SPEAKER_00: I wanted more financial stability, more financial freedom.
13:56
SPEAKER_00: If they wanted to do horseback riding lessons and tennis lessons, I wanted to provide that.
14:00
SPEAKER_00: I was denied those things.
14:02
SPEAKER_00: So there's the overcompensating protector, where we could maybe say the helicopter mom comes into this, right?
14:07
SPEAKER_00: And then there's the reactive pattern repeater.
14:10
SPEAKER_00: This is very much me.
14:12
SPEAKER_00: It's it's derived a lot from stress.
14:14
SPEAKER_00: It's where the yelling comes in or the criticism or the shutdown or the control patterns come in.
14:22
SPEAKER_00: There's the high-functioning disconnector, which if you're a working mom or this go, and this goes to dads too, to be quite truthful.
14:29
SPEAKER_00: This is parenting.
14:30
SPEAKER_00: And that is where we are we are providing everything financially for our family, but there's an emotional disconnect because we feel like I'm giving them the home, I'm giving them the vacations, I'm giving them all of this, but I'm so busy.
14:46
SPEAKER_00: And then there's the emotional kind of shutdown.
14:48
SPEAKER_00: And then there's the conscious cycle breaker, which is the a good thing.
14:54
SPEAKER_00: And I would say that this is where I now fall into because we are never going to be perfect.
14:59
SPEAKER_00: We are always going to mess up.
15:02
SPEAKER_00: I still have moments with my adult kids where I mess up.
15:05
SPEAKER_00: And it's where you're more aware that that pattern, you got triggered, and you're like, okay, what just happened?
15:12
SPEAKER_00: And I gotta reel it in.
15:14
SPEAKER_00: So those are the four patterns, and I dive really deep after we determine what is some of us have two more than all four or one major, major one.
15:26
SPEAKER_00: And then there's, and I I just have to say too, this isn't like hard work.
15:32
SPEAKER_00: This is just being really aware.
15:34
SPEAKER_00: You're able to work on breaking the patterns.
15:37
SPEAKER_00: One, you're able to raise better humans because they're going to be emotionally resilient, they're gonna be better at problem solving, they're gonna be more compassionate.
15:46
SPEAKER_00: And we ourselves are, there's a self-improvement piece, right?
15:50
SPEAKER_00: It's helping us to have better relationships with our partners, with our colleagues, with our friendships.
15:57
SPEAKER_00: This this can apply to so many things, like things that trigger us.
16:01
SPEAKER_00: And yeah, so I think there's there's a lot of, it's not just figuring out a pattern and having to break it because we're a bad mom.
16:09
SPEAKER_00: It's figuring out things that trigger us so that we can have better relationships all around.
16:15
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
16:15
SPEAKER_01: And it's just adjusting your default patterns, your default settings.
16:21
SPEAKER_01: I definitely identify with this.
16:23
SPEAKER_01: My I come from a very loud family where we're yellers and it's not because we're angry or mad.
16:31
SPEAKER_01: It's just like our default mode.
16:33
SPEAKER_01: And it's something that I didn't even realize until I had my son and caught myself in moments of frustration or feeling like I wasn't being listened to or heard.
16:44
SPEAKER_01: That it's like a conscious effort to process it on my own.
16:49
SPEAKER_01: The awareness is so huge that just even coming to that moment and being like, okay, what do I do to start to change things?
16:58
SPEAKER_01: I feel like that moment of awareness of, oh, I didn't even know that I did this, or I didn't know that this was something that was was inside me that I've never experienced this until I became a parent.
17:10
SPEAKER_01: I remember when I was pregnant, I was like, I want to make sure I want to do things a little differently as a parent, really pick and choose the things that I want to bring in or leave out of parenting.
17:20
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, those things were still are still important to me and figuring out what things I want to bring in and keep away are still things that I I work on, but there were so much that has come to the surface that I didn't even know was there until I became a parent.
17:39
SPEAKER_01: What are some of those moments of awareness for whether it's you or your client or people you've worked with, that what is that moment of awareness like in your experience?
17:49
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
17:49
SPEAKER_00: Well, and I think you just touched on something too, that there are so many moms that come to me and either they have middle school age or teenagers, and the teenagers have already shut down.
18:02
SPEAKER_00: And I really always want to mention that one of the steps is is how we model the behavior, right?
18:09
SPEAKER_00: As parents, I think we think, okay, I have these child, a child or children now, and I have to teach them how to do everything right and what's right and wrong.
18:17
SPEAKER_00: And yes, there's there's there's the moral piece of things, right?
18:21
SPEAKER_00: But children learn from us modeling, not just telling them what to do.
18:26
SPEAKER_00: They learn from our behavior.
18:28
SPEAKER_00: They are watching us all the time.
18:31
SPEAKER_00: And I think that if you have a teenager that's shut down, there we have to realize that somewhere there was a disconnect.
18:39
SPEAKER_00: And it most likely came from one of these patterns, right?
18:43
SPEAKER_00: There could be the high-functioning disconnect where there's they're looking for more emotional connection, or they're not, if if you're yelling at them, then they're gonna shut down.
18:54
SPEAKER_00: So there's all these things that it comes from us, and it's nothing to blame ourselves about, it's just there's the awareness piece.
19:02
SPEAKER_00: But you really need to determine what is it that I want most?
19:07
SPEAKER_00: I want trust.
19:08
SPEAKER_00: I think most all moms want to have this trusting, close relationship.
19:13
SPEAKER_00: I think they want to know that their kids are gonna go into the world and be really kind and compassionate, but have a work be able to function on their own.
19:20
SPEAKER_00: And again, if you're overcompensating, you're preventing that.
19:24
SPEAKER_00: You're you're lessening their ability to be able to problem solve and handle stressful situations.
19:30
SPEAKER_00: So it it starts with, it always starts with us.
19:34
SPEAKER_00: But the modeling is so important.
19:36
SPEAKER_00: I remember when I would have my teenage years were really challenging with my parents.
19:41
SPEAKER_00: Fighting was all the time.
19:42
SPEAKER_00: We just didn't see eye to eye.
19:44
SPEAKER_00: And I was I was an emotional kid, I had a lot to say, and my dad was very controlling.
19:50
SPEAKER_00: And I can remember the next day after a big fight, it was like nothing happened.
19:54
SPEAKER_00: No one talked about it, no one said anything.
19:56
SPEAKER_00: If mean things were said, there was no apology.
19:58
SPEAKER_00: We just went on and it just, it just compiled.
20:01
SPEAKER_00: So I had no relationship with my mom because I I didn't trust.
20:06
SPEAKER_00: I knew she'd go back and talk to my dad, like all those things, right, that you don't want with your children.
20:11
SPEAKER_00: And I I started really early on.
20:15
SPEAKER_00: I asked my kids a lot of questions when I was putting together this work, this program for my clients.
20:20
SPEAKER_00: And they said, you always, even though you we were kids and we did kid things, you still treated us or shared with us or communicated with us like adults.
20:31
SPEAKER_00: And I would have friends say, You told your kids that.
20:33
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they they need to they need to know.
20:36
SPEAKER_00: It's how they're going to understand.
20:38
SPEAKER_00: And if I did yell, because I didn't correct it right on, right in the beginning, I would look at them and say, I didn't handle that well.
20:46
SPEAKER_00: And I apologize and I'm working on this.
20:49
SPEAKER_00: So they knew I was a work in progress.
20:52
SPEAKER_00: And that teaches them humility and accountability.
20:56
SPEAKER_00: So I think those are things that come up.
20:59
SPEAKER_00: I'll have a mom say, Well, I had a huge fight with my teenager or she won't talk to me.
21:04
SPEAKER_00: And then we have to go back a little bit and like and figure out where is this coming from?
21:10
SPEAKER_00: And it's it's usually a shutdown because of some form of these patterns.
21:17
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
21:17
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
21:18
SPEAKER_01: And I I also had a really hard high school teenage years with my parents as well.
21:24
SPEAKER_01: And I think that while I'm listening to you talk, I'm thinking, I think that's where a lot of my um decisions in parenting, and my son's only three, but I feel like a lot of what I feel like I missed and why our relationship was so contentious was I didn't necessarily feel like I was being heard or part of the conversation.
21:48
SPEAKER_01: And I think, yeah, and I think that that's so huge in my family and how I'm raising my son is to like we might ha battle it out because we don't agree with each other, but like at the end of it, we're gonna come to an understanding as to here's why I'm thinking about this, and not just this is the rule and this is what it is, and that's it.
22:10
SPEAKER_01: For me, I think explaining why things are the way they are, or giving a deeper understanding and really going back to that I'm a person too, and I'm learning.
22:21
SPEAKER_01: I've never had a three year old before, or I've never experienced this before.
22:27
SPEAKER_01: We are learning together.
22:28
SPEAKER_01: And I think that having that trust factor of I know that I can go to you and be like, hey, I made a mistake, I'm learning.
22:36
SPEAKER_01: And Know that me as the parent can um help them work through that.
22:43
SPEAKER_01: Because when they were three, we worked through an issue.
22:47
SPEAKER_01: And maybe there was yelling, maybe there was fighting, but at the end of it, we figured we got to a point where we're both learning.
22:54
SPEAKER_01: We've maybe both apologized.
22:56
SPEAKER_01: We've, like you said, taken accountability for whatever happened and didn't just like sweep it under the rug like that it is what it is now.
23:04
SPEAKER_01: You really had that full resolution, even if there isn't an exact tangible one, but had that back and forth exchange, whatever age they were, to show we're both just humans, we're both figuring it out.
23:17
SPEAKER_01: And I think that I really identify with that of not just sweeping it under the rug and pretending it didn't happen.
23:25
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's it's so huge because we think our parents know everything they're supposed to know, and we don't know everything we're supposed to know.
23:34
SPEAKER_00: And and then my kids know they have given me permission to talk about them on podcasts and different things.
23:40
SPEAKER_00: And my son was more, he triggered me a lot when he was young.
23:45
SPEAKER_00: He had a very type A personality, very logical brain.
23:49
SPEAKER_00: And I'm I'm I'm not, we're not the same kind of brain.
23:53
SPEAKER_00: And there were a lot of triggers.
23:55
SPEAKER_00: And I think that's another important, like that's where the awareness comes in.
23:58
SPEAKER_00: If you're reacting to something your child said or did, or a behavior, or they're having a tantrum, what is triggering you at that moment?
24:06
SPEAKER_00: Are you feeling frustrated, angry?
24:09
SPEAKER_00: Are you feeling out of control?
24:11
SPEAKER_00: Are you feeling like you can't handle this?
24:13
SPEAKER_00: Is it like whatever?
24:14
SPEAKER_00: Name it, figure it out.
24:16
SPEAKER_00: And it's what's a really good practice is you can name it for yourself, but you can also help your child to name their emotions.
24:24
SPEAKER_00: Like they may be really mad at you or mad at a situation and they're taking it out on you.
24:29
SPEAKER_00: And when you can teach them, okay, what are you feeling right now?
24:33
SPEAKER_00: Instead of yelling at them or shutting down or or realizing they're behaving badly, yes, like you don't want to excuse them, but naming it teaches them, gives them that awareness, that resilience that they need to be emotionally intelligent as they grow up and to be able to handle more stressful situations.
24:53
SPEAKER_00: And but I just there was such a level of distrust, distrust when I was a kid.
24:59
SPEAKER_00: I would hear my parents talking in the kitchen, whispering, and and I felt like there was no trust.
25:05
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I will not have this with my kids.
25:09
SPEAKER_00: And that's why I always shared so much with them.
25:13
SPEAKER_00: And I I think that's really important.
25:15
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I think that's the perfect path into talking about going from this reactivity to using it to lead them into their next phase.
25:25
SPEAKER_01: What you were just talking about with naming things, and I think it it it creates less conflict averse kids and adults, and that you learn conflict isn't that conflict is always gonna happen in your life.
25:39
SPEAKER_01: And if you can within your family learn how to have a conflict and have the conversation and and name your emotions that are happening and what's going on, I feel like as they become adults and teenagers, they're less conflict averse and are able to go into those uncomfortable positions and feel confident that they can express what they need and where their frustration lays in that situation.
26:07
SPEAKER_01: What are some other ways that we can start to take this reactivity cycle and turn it more into teaching our kids and leading for them?
26:16
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's where the so there's the awareness in the beginning, but then there's the emotional awareness, which is just like we were talking about, the respond instead of reacting.
26:26
SPEAKER_00: And this is where you're giving, you're helping your children with more tools.
26:31
SPEAKER_00: If you're in one of the patterns, especially the overcompensating protector pattern, you're you're preventing your kids from learning the tools to be able to go out in the world.
26:43
SPEAKER_00: And our goal is always raising good humans, having a great relationship with them when they're when as when they're adults, right?
26:50
SPEAKER_00: I think that's like to me, that was always the common goal with all my clients.
26:55
SPEAKER_00: And I it it's funny, when I would, my kids and I would have an argument when they were teenagers, I would call a meeting after we would all calm down and we would sit at the kitchen table, and I would say, okay, let's talk about this, and no one's gonna interrupt each other because we were interrupters.
27:12
SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, we couldn't, we couldn't get a word in edgewise, and we had to really work hard at not interrupting my kids.
27:18
SPEAKER_00: If they're listening to when they listen to this, they're gonna laugh and be like, I remember those days.
27:22
SPEAKER_00: And but it really taught them how to resolve and how to talk it out.
27:27
SPEAKER_00: And I didn't have that, like I said, and I didn't have the ability to recognize my part.
27:36
SPEAKER_00: My parents certainly had their share of faults, but I was wrong too.
27:41
SPEAKER_00: My behavior was not acceptable.
27:42
SPEAKER_00: So it teaches accountability on both parts, and they're learning that their mom is not human and that I want to work it out with them, and then you're developing more trust and more closeness.
27:55
SPEAKER_00: Uh, when your kids are older, even when they're young, you could sit them down and say, okay, that wasn't good.
28:00
SPEAKER_00: This is what I think I did wrong.
28:02
SPEAKER_00: How do you think you could have handled it?
28:04
SPEAKER_00: You can talk to a seven-year-old like that.
28:05
SPEAKER_00: You can talk to a five-year-old like that to some, to some extent.
28:08
SPEAKER_00: I'm not a psychologist, but to some extent.
28:12
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
28:12
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
28:13
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if I answered your question or not, but I went on my role because that was part of that's part of the snaps.
28:18
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I was gonna ask, what are some other things that you've seen up and just addressing generational patterns in your clients?
28:27
SPEAKER_01: What are things that come up that maybe someone else might be able to identify with?
28:31
SPEAKER_00: I think it depends on the age of the child.
28:33
SPEAKER_00: I there's a lot of things that come up with moms when they have really small toddlers and four and five-year-olds.
28:40
SPEAKER_00: And that's when your children are really developing into their own.
28:45
SPEAKER_00: And I think with my daughter, I don't know.
28:47
SPEAKER_00: She was so easy when she was young.
28:49
SPEAKER_00: And I always, my poor son, he just gets to the front of this because he was my challenging child.
28:55
SPEAKER_00: And I always tell him that.
28:56
SPEAKER_00: But it was just because he had such an inquisitive personality, and everything was why, why, why, why, why.
29:03
SPEAKER_00: And I was always wanting to get out the door, and I just I couldn't get him to get ready.
29:09
SPEAKER_00: And so there were all these, and everything triggered me.
29:12
SPEAKER_00: And let's just bring it back, right?
29:14
SPEAKER_00: It's not your child's fault.
29:16
SPEAKER_00: That child isn't being a bad child.
29:19
SPEAKER_00: And I think that that's what we need to recognize when we have toddlers and middle schoolers.
29:24
SPEAKER_00: They are just, it's their personality, and we have to allow that personality to come out.
29:29
SPEAKER_00: And we have to recognize what about that personality is triggering me.
29:33
SPEAKER_00: And is it is it a flaw in them that we need to help them develop, or is it just who they are and it's like triggering me because I can't handle it because I'm stressed or because I'm trying to protect them.
29:43
SPEAKER_00: It's where that awareness comes in, right?
29:45
SPEAKER_00: And then there's the teenager where there's a whole different level of things that come up.
29:51
SPEAKER_00: And I don't know, I remember people always saying, oh, the teenage years, you wait, I have to tell you, they were some of the best parenting years of of my life.
30:01
SPEAKER_00: And I think because I I built the structure, I was able to become aware earlier on than some moms once I recognized it.
30:10
SPEAKER_00: So I was able, doesn't mean I, believe me, not a perfect mom.
30:14
SPEAKER_00: I definitely had our arguments, definitely had our issues, but I was able to really recognize it sooner than some, so that I was able to build that trust.
30:23
SPEAKER_00: Doesn't mean I didn't find out that there were some sneaking around and things that happened that my kids, but I was like, I wanted them to be siblings that did fun things.
30:32
SPEAKER_00: But yeah, so I think the teenage years for a lot of moms, especially, are really hard because they've there's already a disconnect and they need to rebuild that trust.
30:41
SPEAKER_00: It's very, very possible to do.
30:44
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's so interesting you're saying that's so interesting you're saying.
30:47
SPEAKER_01: Myself and my cousin, our kids are six weeks apart.
30:52
SPEAKER_01: And so in the beginning, when they were like two years old or had just turned three, we would text each other to commiserate about what was happening.
31:01
SPEAKER_01: And at some point, we're like, oh, we're just like the trouble is we're just raising ourselves.
31:06
SPEAKER_01: And we were both really high energy, wild kids, had a lot of big feelings and emotions.
31:13
SPEAKER_01: And so I feel like we were both able to name that early enough to be like, I'm being triggered because this is something that is frustrating to me or whatever it might be.
31:24
SPEAKER_01: And so I feel like if you catch it early enough and you catch who this little person is becoming, they it's it's a little bit easier, maybe on the front end, to be able to be like, okay, is this something that I need to adjust about myself and how I react as the adult, which is I will say I'm absolutely a work in progress on that.
31:44
SPEAKER_01: Or is it something that I need to be like, okay, this is how your brain works, or this is how you operate.
31:49
SPEAKER_01: Let's figure out how to make this easier for you, or figure out a workaround to make everybody in the situation happier.
31:58
SPEAKER_01: But I think it is that uh again, that communication piece of being open and both with yourself and with your child of what we're experiencing together.
32:08
SPEAKER_00: I think it's like we can't fix, we don't want to fix our kids.
32:12
SPEAKER_00: I can think, and I won't say them here because I don't want to call out on my children too much, but there are definitely things that we all need to work on, whether they're the kids or they're us.
32:22
SPEAKER_00: But there are also things that we have to just let them work through it and guide them.
32:29
SPEAKER_00: And like I said, this is where the modeling comes in.
32:31
SPEAKER_00: So if we think if your child is reacting and not able to handle criticism, and that's something that they need to work on, we have to model how do you handle when someone hurts your feelings?
32:43
SPEAKER_00: How do you handle when you're angry because you didn't get picked for something?
32:46
SPEAKER_00: How do you handle that?
32:48
SPEAKER_00: You can't fix it.
32:49
SPEAKER_00: You have to model that.
32:51
SPEAKER_00: And I think there are there's a difference between if you have a child that's doing something that's morally not right, and yes, you need to correct it, or a child that's just being themselves, right?
33:01
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
33:02
SPEAKER_00: And then put the whole work balance in there and you're trying to run a company or work a really hectic schedule with work, and it it it does become challenging, but it's I think it gets easier if you are just more kind to yourself and don't let the guilt get in the way.
33:23
SPEAKER_00: I know that's easier said than done for most, but I think that you have to realize that we are so human and we're not supposed to be perfect.
33:32
SPEAKER_00: We're not.
33:38
SPEAKER_00: You can look at it that way.
33:40
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
33:41
SPEAKER_01: Anything else that you think it is important for people to know when they're coming up against figuring out how to dress their generational triggers or patterns and how to have a better relationship with your kids as you as they grow and as you grow.
33:56
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
33:57
SPEAKER_00: I think it's really important to know that as you're working to break the pattern, they're probably still always going to come up in some form, or you're still going to be triggered.
34:08
SPEAKER_00: Just last week, my son triggered me in a phone conversation.
34:12
SPEAKER_00: He did nothing wrong.
34:13
SPEAKER_00: But something he said, I took it personally based on my past and something that my dad did.
34:21
SPEAKER_00: Can you believe that?
34:22
SPEAKER_00: Still at this time, and it triggered me.
34:25
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I got really defensive, and I'm and and and I just kind of sat on the phone for a little bit.
34:30
SPEAKER_00: And he's like, Mom, I was just trying to help.
34:32
SPEAKER_00: And I said, you know what?
34:34
SPEAKER_00: I I re I want you to know that you triggered me, but it's not something you did wrong.
34:38
SPEAKER_00: And that's why I reacted that way.
34:40
SPEAKER_00: But think about that.
34:41
SPEAKER_00: I'm still having that conversation.
34:44
SPEAKER_00: So I think as long as you, if you really want that relationship that you dream of with your kids and you work hard at becoming aware and and understand the steps.
34:57
SPEAKER_00: And I I if if you take my free quiz, um, then I offer a very inexpensive guidebook that goes really deeper into the patterns and gives you some little tidbits on it.
35:08
SPEAKER_00: You really can have that relationship and you will have it with your kids.
35:13
SPEAKER_00: And but just take from this that will, it will never be perfect.
35:17
SPEAKER_00: It's not supposed, we're not supposed to be perfect.
35:19
SPEAKER_00: We're always going to be a work in progress.
35:21
SPEAKER_00: It's how we learn to break the cycle so that we're not carrying that 100% again to the next generation.
35:29
SPEAKER_00: It's up to us to stop it, and we can't.
35:31
SPEAKER_00: The previous generations didn't have the tools or the skills or the knowledge.
35:35
SPEAKER_00: My parents did the best they could and they did a great job, like I've said.
35:39
SPEAKER_00: But when I look at their childhood, thinking, my gosh, I can't even believe they were as great parents as they were based on what I now know as an adult of their childhood.
35:49
SPEAKER_00: So we are so much more developed and we have such a different skill set.
35:53
SPEAKER_00: So it's it's it's up to us to do them, to do the work.
35:56
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
35:58
SPEAKER_01: And I think I think conversations like these are so important because I think it can be so overwhelming when you, like you said, when you are on like you you are building a business or you have a busy job and you're raising a family and and you're a sister and a friend and all of these things to tackle these big, what seems like big patterns that you want to change.
36:20
SPEAKER_01: But I think these conversations are so important because in the we're seeing a lot more of I know families or people my age that are going no contact with their family and not having a relationship with them at all because people are afraid to do this work.
36:36
SPEAKER_01: So I think what's great about the this whole thing that you're working on is really helping people confront things that are uncomfortable and confront patterns that they don't like and want to change and break down that stigma and and really practically help them go through it to ensure a healthier relationship with not only their kids and their families, but in your workplace and and amongst your friends and all the different spaces of life that are important to us as people.
37:05
SPEAKER_00: Their leadership skills really, the things that we're doing in this awareness and the modeling, they're they're skills that will take everywhere.
37:11
SPEAKER_00: Like you said, and like I said in the beginning, is is it it it spreads to every relationship.
37:16
SPEAKER_00: And I think think about the pain point of if there's something that you did not like, and if I'm speaking to, I don't there are some people that have had wonderful, wonderful childhoods.
37:26
SPEAKER_00: And and again, I had a wonderful childhood, but there are definitely things that I would have liked to have been different.
37:31
SPEAKER_00: And if you think about what you did not like or what you felt was lacking or was painful for you, and there was pain from me, the verbal fights and the there was abandonment to some emotional abandonment from me.
37:47
SPEAKER_00: And I didn't want any of that with my kids.
37:50
SPEAKER_00: And when you think of that, when you really do that, I don't, I don't hate to say painful work, but and I have this phrase that I always tell my clients, you need to sit with your shit.
38:01
SPEAKER_00: Because when you when you really become aware of that stuff, there is freedom on the other side.
38:07
SPEAKER_00: And there is, do you want to have your kids be 25 and 30 and regret that you don't have that relationship or that you have the same relationship that you may have had with your parents, or do you dream of having a different relationship?
38:21
SPEAKER_00: Just know that it is so, so possible.
38:26
SPEAKER_00: There's that saying, oh, raising my kids, I used to hear it before I had kids, is the best thing I have, best accomplishment in my life.
38:32
SPEAKER_00: And here I was a career person with big dreams.
38:35
SPEAKER_00: Okay, yeah, raising kids is great.
38:37
SPEAKER_00: That's what you do, but don't you want to have a big, big career?
38:40
SPEAKER_00: And I have I can say that too about my career, but it truly is.
38:45
SPEAKER_00: I every day I say thank you for the blessing of the friendship of what I have.
38:50
SPEAKER_00: I I talk to my kids every day on the phone, almost every day.
38:54
SPEAKER_00: My son, he'll either text me or that's a blessing.
38:58
SPEAKER_00: I had to do the work though.
39:00
SPEAKER_00: We could have a complete disconnect.
39:02
SPEAKER_00: So know that it's so, so possible and uh not as hard as you think if you're willing to sit with it a little bit.
39:09
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
39:10
SPEAKER_01: Well, tell people where they can find you, um, what kind of things you have going on right now, um, social media website, whatever you've got going on.
39:17
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
39:18
SPEAKER_00: Um, my website is my name, Shree Rego.
39:21
SPEAKER_00: Social media is Shri Rego on my Instagram, raising good humans, just my name on Facebook.
39:28
SPEAKER_00: And right now, I am launching a group coaching program for the moms that want to be in a community that's safe, that they can talk about everything.
39:38
SPEAKER_00: We I give weekly coaching tips and workbooks and all kinds of information.
39:44
SPEAKER_00: And then I have my one-on-one, which if they want to go really deeper and just have it more private.
39:49
SPEAKER_00: And uh you can get the quiz on any of my social media posts or on my website.
39:54
SPEAKER_00: And it's fun.
39:55
SPEAKER_00: It takes a minute.
39:56
SPEAKER_00: It's the quiz is so quick, just eight questions, but you can really it'll it'll give you some insight as to where you need to start.
40:03
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's so amazing.
40:04
SPEAKER_01: Well, thank you so much for being on.
40:06
SPEAKER_01: I have loved to chat with you and dig a little deeper in this area.
40:09
SPEAKER_01: Um so grateful for your time.
40:11
SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
40:13
SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much.
40:14
SPEAKER_00: I loved it.
40:14
SPEAKER_00: I enjoyed it.
40:15
SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
40:16
SPEAKER_01: If this conversation resonated with you, I'd love for you to follow the podcast wherever you listen and share it with another mom building something meaningful.
40:25
SPEAKER_01: If you want deeper behind the scenes reflections that I don't share anywhere else, join my email list at the Mama Making Podcast.com.
40:33
SPEAKER_01: Thank you for being here, and I'll see you next time.