Latest / The Built For More Podcast / Resentment is the Receipt

Transcript

Resentment is the Receipt · The Built For More Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: do something a little bit different today.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: So in the Daily Reflections book that I have, each month has a like a purpose.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: And each week is just an unfolding like idea of that central purpose.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: In October, the idea is the just nice guy fatigue and how do we dismantle this nice guy?
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: And the nice guy is essentially the person who's I'm saying yes because I want you to see me as the person who's easygoing.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to see me as the like the guy's guy.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: I want to I don't want to be seen as the funny guy.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: I need to be seen as whatever you need.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: I can read that and then I'm going to become that person.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: And in many ways that's very manipulating because we present ourselves as that nice guy, but it's it's with a like what we call a secret contract.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to be the nice guy.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: My expectation for my wife is that you love me as a result of I'm going to do the dishes do you see me doing the dishes I'm going to take the trash out.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Do you see me taking the trash out?
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Gentle parenting whatever it is, I'm doing this thing.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to recognize that I'm doing this thing because I'm doing this as a result of me wanting something in return.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: And we do this in relationships, we do this mostly in relationship, but we do it for work.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: We do it all these things.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: And this week in that unfolding of this idea is resentment is the receipt.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: And resentment usually comes from this idea that I'm going to do something for you.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: My expectation is you're going to give me something in return.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: Love, friendship, connection, arraise, whatever it is, when that thing doesn't happen, I I'm like secretly counting like okay it didn't happen that one time I'll I'll excuse it because I'm a nice guy.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: But over time I just start to get pissed and I I'm I have resentment.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I see this resentment in almost every category of what we talk about in being a man.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: So let's say a career I'm doing all these extra things.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: If if all these extra things don't result in like more money promotion whatever that thing is I'm going to hold resentment for that.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to say I'm not being rewarded for this extra work.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes bosses will take advantage of you for and if you don't speak up that sometimes happens.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: We do this in relationships where I am like I said I'm I'm doing the dishes I'm taking care of the kids and like I'm being the nice guy.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm being the accommodating husband I'm being whatever that modern version of being a husband is.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm doing it and then I'm like I'm not getting the the intimacy that I want in my relationship.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: And but I'm doing all these things.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Why can't she do her part?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: But that's largely I'm doing this thing expecting something in return.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: And if it's not I'm holding on to that resentment.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um I see this a lot when it comes to fitness and nutrition.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: People are like I I'm doing the workouts.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm eating right I'm just not seeing the result.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: It must be genetics it must be this other person has all this other type start coming up with all these excuses why why isn't working for me because I hold all this resentment I hold all these excuses.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: So resentment is the receipt that you're doing something and expecting something in return as opposed to it just being an outpouring of who you are, which is the goal.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like I want to be a good person.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be a nice guy but I want it to be just an outpouring of the core version of me.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Me living as my ideal version of me is a nice guy.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: And that nice guy does not expect anything in return.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: So how do I connect with that?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: So if I'm holding some resentment if I'm feeling some resentment it's proof that's the receipt that I'm still in this like nice guy personality.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: So all of October we're trying to like unpack what that means.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: So resentment is the receipt that's the topic for today.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um one main or two questions really to ask um why do we say yes?
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: Why do we do these things?
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: And then hold that resentment afterwards um or yes when we really don't want to do it.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I think a lot of it is we we desire the connection we talk a lot about our core need is love.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: And for us to experience love we need to be fully seen for all of who we are in every aspect we want to want to be fully known.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: And our way of achieving this is I'm going to have this job because I feel like having this job earns me respect.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be seen as a person who gets respect.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: I want this body and I want the six pack.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: I don't actually want the six pack I want to feel competent and respected from other people and I feel like this is a culmination of that.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: We have all these things that we do in these pursuits that are when you look back or look underneath the curtain it's really or look underneath the hood is probably the saying that it is it's really I want respect.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: I want purpose I want confidence I want like autonomy I want these like five or six things.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: But then underneath that is it's because I want to be seen I want to be fully known and known in this way.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: And as a result of that I feel loved.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: And that's we all want to be loved in different ways.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: We all experience love in different ways.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: But at its core is we want love.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: We feel love when we're feel seen and we feel seen when like respect is checked off when competence is checked off like all these things and that's how we really interact with each other.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: So in that pursuit of wanting to feel connected wanting to feel seen and wanting to feel like respected competent whatever it is we say yes to certain things because we feel like as a result of that we'll get this thing that we want.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: So we say yes to it.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: But when that respect, that competence connection whatever it is that we were trying to obtain does not return back to us, we hold that resentment.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: And so when you're saying yes, a good question to ask is what is it that I'm really trying to achieve with this?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like we can say like it's because I want to be a good dad um I want to be a good husband.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be a good worker but there's a layer underneath that that's I want to I don't feel as respected as what I really want.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel as loved as what I really want.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel this or that I don't feel as like I'm a good dad like I'm showing up as a good dad today.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to say yes when I have zero energy left or I'm going to say yes because like I feel like I'm not showing up in the way that I want it to so I'm going to say yes.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: So the first question is why are we saying yes when we really mean no and what is underneath that yes what are we hoping to get the respect the autonomy the the competence the purpose whatever it is what do we actually want when we say yes because if we can find that answer there's probably a better strategy to get that that's the first thing.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: So second question is what are you really holding resentment against?
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: So in many scenarios let's say it's at work I'm doing all this work the boss isn't giving me my raise or my promotion I'm holding resentment against the job and the boss if it's in this scenario I'm coming home.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: The kids are loud they're not behaving whatever I'm holding resentment against that the kids are just super loud and they're misbehaving or maybe my wife says can you wash the dishes can you do this?
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Can you can you help out with the laundry whatever it is I hold resentment against those people or against the organization or against the situation or I I'm holding resentment against something that isn't me.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: I want to challenge that idea because in many of these scenarios if I was actually showing up as the best version of me the one who's patient kind is managing my stress well so if I feel like like today is a great example.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: As I was coming home I can feel that just the angst underneath like my my words and how I'm entering into like I just needed some space some quiet time to cool down and I I just didn't get that I had to go straight into the house and the kids are screaming and I'm super hungry I'm tired all these things.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: And as a result I like I was did not show up as a great dad and immediately like I think about that resentment of why isn't like food on the table why are my kids behaving like I'm pushing that resentment onto the but in reality my resentment is back at myself.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: That resentment is I didn't manage my time and my stress and my anxiety and my day the way it should have been managed earlier in the day.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: And as as a result of that this is a byproduct of those mistakes and the situation I knew I was coming into because it's larger the same my kids are never quiet I just couldn't hold on to that.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: So I pushed that resentment onto them.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually resentment against me and my decision.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's the challenge that I want to leave you guys with is that as we hold these resentments and the checklist of things of I did this and I didn't get this in return it's one is it really the right strategy to get whatever it is you were seeking?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Respect, love connection friendship was there a better strategy?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because there probably was if it's something that resulted in resentment I can guarantee there is a better strategy to get that thing that you're looking for.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: And then the second part is as you hold that resent who are you really resenting?
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because I can guarantee it's not anyone but you not showing up as the ideal version of you which goes back to managing my stress better managing my activities better my anxiety having a better relationship with the emotions and what I'm really looking for out of all these interactions that I have throughout the day that resentment is the receipt that something's wrong that the nice guy is still in control that I'm I'm really searching for a core emotion with a wrong strategy and then I'm not showing up as the ideal version of me.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: And uh yeah that's the week that's the reflection for the week so um if you want to dive deeper into some of these discussions jump into our school group this is where we have those discussions and yeah see you on the next one