Latest / Real Money with Lisa Chastain / She Couldn't Leave Even Though She Wanted To | REAL MONEY

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She Couldn't Leave Even Though She Wanted To | REAL MONEY · Real Money with Lisa Chastain

0:01
Welcome to Real Money with Lisa Chastain.
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Lisa Chastain is a best selling author and money coach known for
0:08
her work in money mindset and financial transformation.
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Her approach focuses on the truth that money is emotional
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before it's mathematical, and that lasting financial freedom
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begins with changing the way we think, feel, and behave with
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money. On this show, Lisa explores the
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psychology of wealth, abundance mindset, financial literacy, and
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the deeper beliefs that shape everything from debt and income
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to entrepreneurship, side hustles, and building multiple
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income streams. If you're ready to shift your
0:37
relationship with money and step into a stronger wealth mindset,
0:41
you're in the right place. Here's your host, Lisa Chastain.
0:44
Welcome to REAL MONEY with Lisa Chastain.
0:47
There's a line that says men are afraid women will laugh at them.
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Women are afraid men will kill them.
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Whether or not that's exact, the data shows that women are most
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at risk from men we know. Today's conversation is with my
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dear friend Patty Stewart, owner of Defence and Heels, former
1:04
Miss Nevada, and she is on a mission to teach women how to
1:07
become personally safe. And with Defence and Heels,
1:11
she's doing that every single day.
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Today we're going to be talking about ways for you to know in
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your body how you're safe, how you're not safe, what to do when
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you're in situations that are not safe, things to look for in
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personal situations, patterns that perpetuate themselves in
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situations of domestic and violence.
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And this is for you as a woman today who's on a mission to
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become the leader of her financial life. self-defense,
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personal safety and money go hand in hand.
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And you've got to listen to this conversation.
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Let's get started, Patty. We made it.
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We did. We have been listening at, we
1:49
have been having this conversation and I know we
1:51
committed to doing this episode months and months and months
1:53
ago. And so we're finally here.
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And today, on Real Money, we're having a deep, honest, open
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conversation about personal safety.
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Personal. Safety for women, specifically
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guys if you're listening, because we do have guys
2:04
listening. Here's my invitation for you
2:06
guys who are listening. Understand what we are going
2:10
through. Understand our lens, our
2:13
context. We are not here to make you
2:15
wrong as men and we are here just to share our experience and
2:18
help other women advocate and be safe and take responsibility.
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And that is why Patty is on the show today.
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This is no men bashing. We don't hate men.
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This is unfortunately the society we live in.
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Women have to be able to learn how to protect themselves.
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We do, we do, and so let's start with this Patty.
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We were talking about it before I hit the record button.
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Let's talk about fuck you money. I.
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Love it, we all need more of it. Don't we don't we?
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I had I had a guy introduce that concept to me before it came
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from a movie, I guess, but that I've seen this moving around on
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social media. Who is that women stay?
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And then I'm going to let you share your perspective on this.
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Women stay in situations and partnerships that are not safe
3:02
for them for because of money. 100% yes.
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What do you what do you see in this arena when it comes to
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protecting women and safety? Like you said, they stay.
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We go off of National Statistics, have to leave 9 to
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12 times before they actually leave. 9 to 12 times.
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Yeah, and it's generally in a body bag.
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Not because I'm finally ready to leave, just like the random
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national standards. That's not even taking into
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account the financial aspect of it.
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Big part of the women staying is I have to be able to afford my
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bills. I have to provide for my
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children that he's going to take me to court and drag this down
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for years and years and years and I don't have the money to
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fight him. Those are the reasons often stay
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when they're when they know they need to leave.
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Once they finally made that click of I need to leave, it's I
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financially can't leave. It's crazy, y'all, y'all know
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how I feel about Dave Ramsey on the show.
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And this single conversation as it relates to money is what
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really makes my blood boil. And like, as soon as you were
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sharing that statistic, I felt the visceral reaction in my body
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of like, I want to throw up because there is a, there's a
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paradigm in financial framework and there are financial experts
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who tell women and men that they have to commingle their
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finances, that they have to, that it's biblical.
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And what you're saying specifically is that it's
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actually not safe for women to do that.
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Or, but keep in mind, a lot of those principles came about in
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the 60s and 70s. Women couldn't have bank
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accounts in the 60s and 70s until like the late 70s where
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women could get their own mortgages and their own bank
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accounts without their husbands signing off on it.
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I know concept of separating our, our, but that's because
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that's the way that the world has turned and unfortunately,
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there are unsafe people out there.
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There are situations that women place themselves in or men place
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women in that make it so that they need to be able to have
4:57
their own money, have their own life, have their exit plan and
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saying like, yes, you need an exit plan when you start a
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marriage. Not at all.
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You can mingle some stuff, but have your own pot, even if it's
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your own spending money. I have permission to spend that
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money. I also don't have to ask for
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permission to spend that money to leave.
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Yeah, I don't want to ask anybody permission for anything.
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My husband, you know, I'm on my second marriage.
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And, you know, he and I both agreed that Lisa wasn't asking
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permission for anything. And and that's, that's
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liberation. So it's actually, it's more than
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just personal freedom, though. It's what this boils down to and
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what this conversation is about today's it's about personal
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safety. And 90% of women who are
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murdered, lived by men are murdered by men that they know.
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What's that about? So they, we grew up in the time
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where it was stranger danger. Watch out for the strangers.
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The stranger's going to get you. Statistically speaking, there's
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less than a 10% chance there's a stranger that's going to do
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anything to you ever. All is somebody that you
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intimately know. Brothers, cousins, uncles,
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fathers, they're the people that are going to do something to you
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because they have access to you. Strangers like we were taught,
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like I would love that concept because I'd be so much easier to
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protect that grooming behavior, the slowly beating you down
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behavior, those are the things that we really need to watch out
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for and train ourselves and our children.
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Let's take that a step further. When did I did an episode on
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Jeffrey Epstein? And of course, earlier this
6:30
year, it was all the buys, all the news and it still is, but
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not making headlines the way it was when when the files first
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came out. But for me watching and
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listening to the survivor stories and listening from like,
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how, how did this happen? That was my question.
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Like, how did we get here? Every single survivor that I've
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listened to said that they knew before assault happened, before
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the crimes happened, that they felt it in their bodies.
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Yes. And I know you're doing
7:00
training. And so we're going to, we're
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going to shift gears here right after the break.
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But I'd love to hear your perspective on what we can do to
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listen to ourselves and what it is we're actually listening for.
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So we're going to take a break and we'll come right back for
7:10
that. Hey guys, I'm Patty with Defense
7:13
and Heels, where we're kicking butt, taking names, and keeping
7:17
you safe in every situation. In each and every episode, we're
7:21
going over women's empowerment, self-defense, and mindset
7:24
training. What would you do in this
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situation? OK, we're back.
7:41
They felt it in their bodies. They knew it was wrong.
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I do want you to introduce yourself to the audience.
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Patty was a pageant queen, yes, and turned self-defense expert,
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which is what you're doing now. But why don't women listen to
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our bodies? What happens?
7:58
Taught as young kids. Kiss that uncle.
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I don't care if he makes you uncomfortable.
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I hug that person. I don't care that grandpa gives
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you the heebie jeebies. Hug him anyways, I said so.
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Good girls are quiet. Good.
8:11
Don't talk back, just shut up and do what they're told.
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Told all these things growing up to when our gut's instinct is
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talking to us as a child. Hey, that uncle makes me feel
8:20
uncomfortable for a reason. I don't know it.
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Because you know you're 5712. Understand why your body's
8:26
telling you this. You understand your parents
8:28
telling you. It doesn't matter how you feel,
8:31
what's going on around you, you will do as you were told how it
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starts. And then we go a little bit
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older and boys are mean to you because they like you.
8:39
Assault and battery. It's boys like you, so they hit
8:42
you. We're taught it's OK to be hit
8:44
by men. And then we get a little bit
8:46
older and boyfriends in high school or middle school are
8:49
pushing things a little too far and hey, just deal with it.
8:53
Put it under the rug. This is a family issue.
8:55
This is not something that you bring to professionals.
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This is just something you deal with.
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So our whole life growing up, we are told that whatever your gut
9:04
is telling you, listen to it turn into adults.
9:08
Yeah, my stomach hurts and feels a little weird right now.
9:10
This guy's giving me the heebie jeebies, but that's OK because I
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was told my whole life that that I need to ignore.
9:16
Chip, so you're, you're saying that we have been conditioned?
9:19
100%. To not listen to ourselves and
9:22
conditioned and it's not our fault.
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To our children our our parents did it.
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To us, their parents did it, To them it society has conditioned
9:30
everybody to do to women. That's sick.
9:32
Yes, not something that's talked about enough speaks very much.
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Well, I I don't see why you think that Uncle is is creepy.
9:40
It hasn't been right yet. What's going on?
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Right. Right.
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And there's some kind of acceptance around it.
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Oh, he's just the awkward uncle or whatever that is.
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And for a woman that's listening to this who has been through
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that situation, or for women who are, you're listening because
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you want to prevent yourself from being in that situation or
10:00
your daughters from being in that kind of situation.
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What is it that we actually need to be listening for, and what is
10:05
it that we need to be communicating?
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So health that you need to be listening to that feeling and
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it's going to feel different now as an adult than it did as a
10:13
child because you conditioned yourself.
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Second, something feels off in that.
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That's a therapeutic thing. But if you're sitting in it
10:20
because you need to figure out why the reason you're getting
10:24
that weird feeling is because your brain is picking up on
10:27
something your body doesn't understand yet.
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Just listen to that, figure it out.
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Simple as this turn. Wait, why does my body not want
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me to take this turn? And then you find out you get to
10:38
work 20 minutes late, that there was a crash there.
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So listen to your intuition. Always listen to your intuition
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when it comes to things like our kids.
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It's that grooming behavior. Adults don't keep secrets from
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children to keep a secret. That's kind of awkward.
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Kids aren't supposed to keep secrets like that.
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Yeah, that's true. Yeah, things like the gym and it
10:59
can be something as simple as a shoulder touch kid kind of gives
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that little with it into that something else is going on.
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So watch your children, watch how they react, and also let's
11:12
separate it out. So for for an adult woman, first
11:15
of all, listen to your intuition.
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Yes. 2nd to keep yourself safe. There's those micro moments.
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First, there's situations where you're not to blame, right?
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And, and, and we live in a world that is crazy about blaming
11:30
women. What were you wearing?
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Where were you at? You shouldn't have been there,
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that kind of thing. So let's take that off the
11:34
table. And in terms of keeping yourself
11:36
safe when you find yourself in a situation, and we're going to
11:39
talk about like the physical safety piece next.
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If you are in a situation. But if you find yourself in a
11:45
situation and and you're saying this feels off, what do you do?
11:48
About it, do it and leave. And if it's something like
11:51
you're in a friend group, you can always have a code word.
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I always had the code word of my stomach hurts, something feels
11:57
off and I'm bouncing. Mine's pineapple.
12:00
There we go. See, we all need that word of
12:02
hey, I'm ready to go. Something doesn't feel right.
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I'm afraid to leave because those women were also very much
12:07
like, Oh no, I need to stay. I need to help.
12:10
It'd be rude if I leave. Screw that of the day.
12:13
Your safety, just your mental safety, is more important than
12:16
making somebody feel. Comfortable.
12:18
Yeah, yeah. And here's where power and money
12:20
come into play with this is that a lot of women have we
12:24
culturally put have put ourselves in rooms to have
12:27
access to modeling, entertainment, acting.
12:29
These are, you know, survivors of Jeffrey Epstein over and over
12:32
again said that I was promised something.
12:34
I was promised something. But going back to the beginning
12:36
of this conversation, if you have your own money and you have
12:40
your own autonomy and your own freedom financially, let's start
12:43
there first because then you don't rely on anyone.
12:46
You create savvy partnerships, which is something that I'm
12:50
doing in my business and I know you do in your business, but
12:52
we're not relying on anyone to make it happen.
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For us, it's the world. Known they are just someone that
13:00
is a tool or a vessel to help us to get there.
13:06
You are in the pageant world. OK, So take us back.
13:09
Take us back to younger Patty. We were sharing.
13:11
My son just enlisted into the Marines last week, which I'm
13:14
really proud of him. And you said you're an Army
13:15
wife, Former Army wife. What was what was young Patty's
13:19
life like? And how did you end up in the
13:20
business of self-defense? Well, I definitely fall into all
13:24
of the statistics. Not my motivating factor.
13:26
So do the therapy. Something that has happened to
13:30
me as a child, teenager, adult, that kind of thing.
13:34
And then when I was a military wife, Nevada and all that stuff,
13:38
I was placed in some situations that were uncomfortable, you
13:43
know, added some some more statistics.
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Kind of what kind of situations? I can only imagine.
13:49
I've not been in the pageant world.
13:50
I've heard a lot about it, but what specifically?
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In the pageant and in the modeling world, it's definitely
13:56
utilized in a bad ways. Now there are some great things.
13:59
I I'm still involved in pageants.
14:01
I love pageants for the confidence building pretty
14:05
dresses and being able to push yourself.
14:07
For some people though, that are not in it for the right reasons
14:10
and they use it to manipulate women, to coerce women actually
14:13
in modeling. They get those young children in
14:16
there. Teenagers like well to share
14:20
mind and have them yes, it's OK to wear a bikini at 12 years
14:24
old. Oh, show a little nipple at 12
14:26
years old. No, it's not.
14:28
They are a child, they are a baby.
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They're so brainwashed and I'm going to be famous.
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I'm going to be a millionaire. I'm going to be the first rich
14:35
person in my life. I'm going to watch run though
14:37
the runway for Vogue, the every little girl's dreams providing
14:42
that for me and all I have to do is show you a little nipple.
14:44
I'm OK with that. Mom in the other room, she won't
14:47
know Vlog right there too. Mom should not be in the other
14:49
room if have a child in there and then they're utilizing this.
14:55
I can, I can do it for you. I can make it happen.
14:58
You just have to do what I need you to do.
15:00
That coercion. Yeah, they're they're totally
15:03
twisting. That was definitely put into
15:05
some of those situations. And it also gets into things
15:09
like having a stalker, you know, as an adult and power dynamic
15:14
there too. Definitely, my mindset changed,
15:18
my brain waves developed the business further.
15:22
Was that your moment, having a stalker where you realized you
15:25
needed to advocate for yourself? Or was there a turning point
15:28
where you were like, you know what, this is really, really
15:30
important turning. Point I was in a class I was one
15:35
of the instructors, the type A aggressive male cop that was
15:38
teaching the class with me and he's pushing this information
15:43
down these women's throats and they're all survivors.
15:45
Everything in this room is a survivor and is you're this and
15:49
just yell, yell, yell and pointing fingers and just it was
15:53
aggressive and it just it shut me down totally a type A female
15:59
and and I was like, oh, you're shutting me down.
16:00
So like it was one of those like once I came to my senses of,
16:04
dude, I'm a survivor too, but hey, I'm your freaking partner
16:06
in this class. I'm in charge as well.
16:08
I'm being over. But you know, I had to like get
16:10
my brain back together for that, watching these women who were
16:14
also shut down together once I started teaching.
16:17
So it was, I can't do that if I don't like that.
16:19
I'm so quiet. All them going into their shell
16:23
and they started taking over the class and teaching.
16:25
You saw that power come back out and that confidence and they
16:28
were happy and excited to be there.
16:30
Literally like a fire in their eyes.
16:33
They can't do something and then they figure out the move and you
16:36
know, so I always break it down so they can understand.
16:38
It really clicks that they got it really like a fire or a
16:41
sparkle in the eye, the eye right there.
16:44
And that was when I was like, OK, I got to take over.
16:46
I got to change. I now do, and bigger and better
16:50
because defense to that point was dudes teaching teaching.
16:53
From shutting down women's nervous systems, Yes.
16:56
Exactly. Which is not helping.
16:57
I know I can't learn when our system has been shut down, so
17:01
everybody else can't either. Kind of my turning point that
17:03
that was it and why I needed to create this.
17:07
It was a survivor and had all those statistics behind me.
17:10
Also, I was working at a Police Department back then.
17:13
Like did that to me while I actually the same thing as you.
17:16
Yeah, that was that was my turning point there.
17:19
Yeah, and you realized you can do it better.
17:22
Yes, with With Love and Compassion was to change those
17:25
crank stats. So if I'm not well, showing you
17:28
I care, listening to you when you talk while utilizing
17:32
therapeutic techniques, but also hey, this is how you kick his
17:34
butt. But of both worlds, it's
17:36
completely different environment, and it's one where
17:39
you can actually grow and thrive and build yourself in it, as
17:42
opposed to full information down someone's throat.
17:44
Yeah, I love that. I love that you found a better
17:47
way to do it. That's what I'm doing in finance
17:49
and that's what you're doing in your industry.
17:51
So we're going to take a break and when we get back, hold, come
17:53
back after the break because we're going to talk about I'm 5
17:56
foot 1 Patty. Yes, I'm 5 foot 1 and 125 lbs
18:00
soaking wet. So we got to talk about how
18:04
women can actually own our power and protect ourselves and the
18:08
ways that we can do that and what we want to pay attention to
18:11
in our nervous systems and we'll be right back.
18:13
Pause. If you're successful on paper
18:15
but still don't feel as powerful as you know you can be with
18:19
money, the wealth within is where we change all of that.
18:22
Link is in the show notes. OK, all right, we're back.
18:29
Addie. I am 5 foot 1 and 125 lbs
18:31
soaking wet. My husband is literally double
18:34
my size. He is 6 foot tall, 140 lbs like
18:38
literally 2 of me. Yes.
18:41
And, and so for me, it's psychological, but it's also
18:44
physical. I was, I, my parents gave me a
18:46
four letter name, Lisa, because I was only 4 lbs when I was
18:50
born. And my whole life I've been, I
18:52
don't, I don't see myself this way.
18:54
And I like I'm an athletic person, but I have been, I have
18:58
this like little Lisa inside of me that I just my parents
19:02
treated me little, my brother treated me like a little girl,
19:05
right? And I, I personally, physically,
19:07
my son, even Connor, who's 18 is like, mom, you got to have that.
19:10
You got, I'm like, I don't want a gun, right?
19:13
So part of me having you here on this, on this episode is selfish
19:17
because I need to know what I need to know about personal
19:21
safety and I have personally shield away from it.
19:24
Monetarily, I am free. I have the ability to move
19:27
freely about my life. I have resources, I have a
19:30
thriving company, all of those things.
19:32
So financially, I have figured it out.
19:34
And there's probably some women listening right now who are in
19:36
the same boat where they make great money.
19:38
Financially, things are moving in the right direction because
19:40
they're listening to the Real Money podcast.
19:41
But physically I will say that this is probably my weakest link
19:45
because how am I ever going to protect myself against a 200?
19:49
And that's how does it make. Sense in my brain.
19:51
How most women view it until they take my place.
19:54
We say it's easier to take the big guys down than the small
19:57
guys. Date yourself now.
20:00
Steve Austin and Steve Urkel, of course.
20:02
I taught a college class the other day and they had no idea
20:04
who I was talking about. Know the new current references
20:07
cause how do you like have a comparative to Steve Urkel I?
20:10
Don't know, David and Goliath went out.
20:12
Yeah, if we use David and Goliath would be another
20:15
parallel I guess. That, yeah, OK.
20:17
It's the size difference. So yeah, I always say it is
20:20
easier to fight Steve Austin is to fight Steve Urkel because.
20:25
That makes no sense to me. Here they are, the easier it is
20:30
for them to fall. Pressure points work 10 times
20:34
easier on them. Things like being able to
20:38
scratch their back, unable to completely put his arm around
20:41
his back and scratch it. Or do you have to help him to
20:45
have less movement about them? They are not as flexible when
20:50
they go to the ground, it's harder for them to get back up
20:53
there. Is Steve Urkel lurpy and able to
20:56
wiggle out of everything Actually easier to fight Steve
20:59
Austin? A lot of the moves I teach are
21:03
designed for that because of that psychological aspect of
21:07
he's too big. Favorite with this is when my
21:11
daughter was 9. I was teaching in a safe house
21:14
and he was like this isn't going to work.
21:16
My pimp was double my size. Her husband is for you.
21:19
She's double my height, double my width.
21:21
There's absolutely this move you are doing right now.
21:25
Would work stay? I brought in my daughter who was
21:27
nine at the time and her do it to me time I was double her
21:31
weight and double her size 9 and itty bitty kiddo did the move
21:35
and got me off of her when I was fighting that guy suit so that
21:39
she could like really go to town that right there lady that this
21:43
move works if a nine year old kid could get a grown adult off
21:47
of them it's work of it as like a size disparity working in your
21:52
favor that he is bigger yeah it's all about techniques so
21:56
making sure that you're finding a good that teaches you this
22:00
kind of stuff. Jitsu techniques are my
22:03
favorite. It's because they utilize the
22:06
big guy versus the small girl in all of their training and.
22:10
That's what you teach. It's one of the many things I
22:12
teach. It's my favorite that as like my
22:15
core for a lot of my classes because it really does work.
22:20
I think it's statistically proven to work.
22:23
I'm just so lucky. Little Punch.
22:25
Here do this. Yeah.
22:27
What would be the difference between having a gun or my
22:31
husband makes me carry around not bear spray.
22:33
What am I trying? Pepper spray, bear spray, pepper
22:37
spray, a knife. What's the difference between
22:40
using these taxes? Because truly, honestly, I do
22:42
not want to carry a gun. I do not think that that I need
22:45
one. I don't like them.
22:47
My husband has them, which is fine.
22:48
But are these tactics more effective?
22:52
Yes and no. So I absolutely love weapons of
22:55
all kinds. I have the pepper sprays, the
22:57
Kubutans, the guns, the everything.
22:59
I love them. OK, one tools, great if you know
23:02
how to use them. Carrying a gun and you don't
23:05
know how to shoot it and you've never trained how to get it out
23:07
of your purse. It's worthless pepper spray, but
23:10
it's in your hands ready to go when you see that guy that's
23:13
giving you the heebie jeebies come up to you.
23:15
Be effective. Having these tools is great.
23:18
I love them totally use them. You know what you're doing with
23:21
them does make it so that there is against you.
23:24
When you have these kinds of tools, you have to know how to
23:27
use it. So that's the thing.
23:29
That's, yeah. No, that's great.
23:30
Thank you. And I need to take your class
23:33
and we're going to talk about ways women can jump into your
23:35
classes. It's something that we
23:36
absolutely, positively, I think should be advocating for
23:39
ourselves. There's a couple of things going
23:45
back to the 10% statistic versus the 90% statistic.
23:49
We are more likely to be harmed and unalived by someone who
23:54
knows us. Are there different one to the
23:57
statistic that you said? It takes what, 9 times on
24:00
average for someone to leave? A domestic violence
24:03
relationship. Because violence has been
24:06
normalized. I just worked with a woman last
24:08
weekend where her mom and her stepdad simultaneously, like she
24:12
lived in a very abuse household and she connected love and
24:17
violence. It was intertwined in her fabric
24:20
DNA and it was normalized. But then she grew up and was
24:24
like, this is not normal. This is not okay.
24:26
And I don't know how to like. I don't know how to attract
24:28
love, right, without violence. I love that she realized that
24:32
though because most people go back to their baseline normal.
24:36
In her case, be the violence equals love.
24:38
Yeah, yeah. So that's, you know, so for as a
24:40
listener, like that's something to pay attention to is what did
24:43
you normalize as a child and what is it that you internally
24:48
have work to do and healing to do?
24:50
But then also going back to that statistic, 90% of the people
24:54
that will harm us will be people that we know and self-defense
24:58
will get us out of a aggressive situation.
25:01
But what, what would you tell someone the first time or second
25:05
time to say, hey, get out now? How?
25:08
Like here are the signs, you know, what are the red flags?
25:11
What are the things that you should be looking for now?
25:13
It's not OK. And don't stick around get those
25:16
heebie jeebies even just in dating leave.
25:19
Also love journaling it out like why is my body feeling like this
25:23
and just journaling for like 10 minutes to figure it out.
25:25
And your brain will tell you they're in it.
25:28
You need to watch for the actual signs, like when it comes to
25:31
finances, are they not letting you spend your money, telling
25:34
you you can't spend money? Are they keeping money from you?
25:37
As to the violence, it usually starts with something simple
25:40
like I don't like that friend, but it's your best friend who
25:43
you've known for 20 years. You can get out with that person
25:45
anymore. You just told me I can't do
25:47
something like that's when your attitude should kick in.
25:49
Not you're right. I'll, I'll stop talking to them.
25:51
But that's what we do because we're normalizing their
25:53
behavior. First time you get hit leave
25:57
time is a test, not how bad it'll get.
26:01
What can she take before she leaves?
26:03
Wow. If a man, we're just speaking
26:07
specifically right now in male, female dynamics, so we wanna
26:10
keep the context straight. If a man hits a woman, will he
26:14
do it again? Yes.
26:15
OK. And if he does it a second time,
26:17
will he do it 1/3? Yes.
26:19
OK. And so if a man hits you once
26:22
and then apologizes, I'm sorry. That should have never happened.
26:27
I'm so sorry. I love you.
26:29
It'll never happen again. I won't do it again.
26:31
What you're saying is that first time should be the only time.
26:36
Yes, like punching walls. If they're willing to punch a
26:39
wall, they're willing to punch you.
26:42
That's right, There was a there was a situation I was in which
26:44
I've spoken honestly. So I won't go into the details
26:46
in my episode in this episode with you today.
26:48
But there was a situation that I was in where I knew I had to get
26:53
out the morning he woke up and he beat the bloody shit out of
26:58
my trash can. And I, and I will say that this
27:00
is this, this conversation has taken a serious, serious turn.
27:03
But I think it's so important that we we interconnect.
27:05
What we're really talking about here is that the signs are the
27:09
signs and how someone treats other people or treats property
27:13
or treats themselves. Eventually they will treat you
27:16
the same way. Eventually they will.
27:19
Yeah, a matter of if, It's a matter of when.
27:21
And, and hitting is not your fault.
27:24
You did nothing to 'cause it 'cause that's the other mind
27:27
fuck that women go through, is it?
27:30
This was me. I did something.
27:32
I, I was the cause of his anger or his frustration.
27:36
And so I have to change. But you don't.
27:38
It's not you that's the problem, right?
27:41
You're in an MMA class where you're designed to hit people.
27:44
You're in a relationship that's supposed to be loving,
27:47
supportive, and caring. Hit things that you love and
27:50
support and care about. Yeah, but how do we protect
27:53
ourselves? So leave, I get that.
27:55
Know that it's serious the first time, it's serious the first
27:59
time. It's not OK the first time.
28:01
But then what are other ways for us to protect ourselves and keep
28:04
ourselves safe in those situations?
28:05
Report it. I know that is not something
28:08
that we grew up doing and that is still something that is not
28:10
socially normal, but need that paper trail.
28:14
Maybe it may not be for you. It may be to protect the next
28:17
person in that he has as a victim.
28:19
So he because we're using that male female dynamic right now,
28:22
there are bath to be males as well.
28:23
We're just using this current dynamic on the paper trail.
28:27
When you start the paper trail, you get access to a victim's
28:29
advocate as resources galore for you.
28:32
When you are ready to make the paper trail and move forward.
28:35
Help somebody that doesn't want to be helped.
28:37
If you're not ready to leave, you're just doing this because
28:39
we told you to go anywhere. I understand that usually you
28:43
don't leave the first time. Do 100% Please do.
28:46
Please do. Yeah, just even if you have
28:48
kids, right, like getting out is one of the best ways and forms
28:52
of self respect and self-care and self compassion is choosing
28:56
not to be with someone in that situation there.
28:58
And there are resources. I was able to utilize those
29:01
resources here in the community and they're wonderful and
29:03
they're wonderful people and they want to help you and
29:06
support you and keep you safe, even if it isn't a life
29:09
threatening emergency. You can call 311.
29:12
Exactly and and you even mentioned get your kids out of
29:15
there willing to hit you. You think he's willing to hit
29:17
the kids. Oh, sure.
29:19
You're showing the kids what love looks like.
29:21
You're showing the children that they have to be hit in order to
29:24
be loved or it's acceptable. And and as Mama bears, we know
29:29
it's not OK to touch our kids getting hit.
29:32
So they think it's OK up for them if you won't get out for
29:34
yourself. Give them or to know what real
29:37
love looks like and can be the one to show them that if you get
29:40
out. That's right.
29:42
That's right here. Let's, let's, let's shift gears
29:45
here. We know, we know.
29:47
Many violent situations are preceded by patterns
29:50
controlling, stalking, intimidation.
29:53
What are the early signs that women ignore?
29:55
The early signs are the things like that.
29:58
You can't hang out with this person anymore.
30:00
Tell me exactly where you are and what's going on at all
30:03
times. You just got to work.
30:05
You got to work 3 minutes ago. Why didn't you tell me 3 minutes
30:08
ago, your friends, I don't like those friends come home right
30:12
now so you can spend money on drinks.
30:14
Little things that at first you're like whoa, 00 to
30:17
communicate better until you realize like it's been 3
30:20
minutes, dude, like minutes. Little things.
30:23
Your intuition, it's going to pop off.
30:26
Now you're 100% ignoring it. If it's gotten to this point now
30:29
you're going to start paying attention because we've talked
30:31
about it. You're listening to this whole
30:33
podcast. Gut instinct, what's going on?
30:36
Afraid to take that time to process it too.
30:39
The support system best friend, it can be your mom, it could be
30:42
a cousin, it could be some random stranger, it could be a
30:45
therapist somebody. I like the idea of a therapist
30:48
because they can talk it out with you and they're also a
30:50
mandated reporter who are not willing to report it.
30:52
They will that because then you'll still get the help to
30:56
help you want, but still going to help the early things to get
31:00
started with while you're processing believing.
31:04
It requires vulnerability. Yeah.
31:05
And, and for successful women, Patty, you and I are both
31:08
successful women. And I know when I was going
31:09
through some situations, it was very vulnerable.
31:13
And I felt like I would lose credibility for a lot of
31:15
reasons. It was really scary to speak my
31:17
truth and to share you you, we. We are here on this show exactly
31:24
in this moment to see Do not become another statistic.
31:27
To change that, you've got the financial aspect of it and I
31:30
have the personal safety aspect of it.
31:32
We do not want the crime stats to continue to go up.
31:35
We want to help be the change and help you, not be the
31:38
statistic. That's right.
31:40
A lot of women don't fight back, not because we're weak, but
31:43
because we freeze. So I'm talking about situations
31:46
and like in the moment women freeze our our nervous system
31:50
shut down. Exactly what you were describing
31:52
with the the trainer in the class.
31:54
How do you train someone to override that in the real
31:56
moment? So have what's called fight,
31:58
flight and freeze. This is of course, what we're
32:01
talking about, the worst possible place you can be in
32:03
because that's when shit hits the fan.
32:05
That is when things happen. So I want you to focus on free
32:09
or run away basically, or fight now at any time.
32:14
Always run away. But you also have to train
32:17
yourself to get in that position, which is yourself.
32:19
Defense classes, confidence training and mindset
32:23
development. It's not something you learn
32:25
instantly. This is all stuff that you have
32:26
to build up to because we have conditioned ourselves for so
32:30
many years with a self-defense class and a therapist or a
32:34
coach, even business coaches. I've had a lot of personal
32:37
growth with business coaches, but forget those.
32:40
So build yourself up, not freeze when things happen.
32:45
And then the self-defense class to mine, you have to do good
32:47
repetition. It takes 100 repetitions before
32:51
your body starts to remember things.
32:53
So they call it muscle memory. It's really brain memory, but
32:56
100 repetitions before your body remembers what to do.
33:00
Taking that class and you took it once 20 years ago in college
33:02
and you're like, I'm good. No, that was 20 years ago.
33:05
How often have you used it since?
33:06
Probably never once you need those constant classes because
33:10
then when shit does hit the fan you no longer freeze or fight or
33:15
you flee. And that's exactly.
33:16
What? That's right.
33:17
And that you women, we are, we are so much stronger, so much
33:21
smarter, so much more capable than the world has led on to.
33:28
And we are seeing in our generation, Patty, we're about
33:30
the same age, real time women standing up, speaking up, owning
33:35
our power. And what what excites me about
33:38
this conversation specifically is when we couple our personal
33:41
safety with our financial safety and stability and control and
33:46
freedom, these statistics change.
33:50
Get rid of that one and 9:00 to 1:00 and 1:00 and 12:00 and make
33:53
it. And so social media will feed
33:55
off of your fear. We are, we are not here to do
33:58
that. We are here to feed.
34:00
Feed into you and pour into you how friggin awesome you are and
34:04
how capable you are and how smart you are and how beautiful
34:07
you are. And we all need help and support
34:11
and the right people around us at all times.
34:14
Yeah. Just like it takes a village to
34:17
raise a child, it takes a village to be an adult.
34:19
Do this alone. I mean, look at how many times
34:21
you and I have called each other over the last decade.
34:25
Each other. We need people.
34:27
But build the tribe you want. You'll settle for the one that
34:31
treats you like crap. Build the ones that make you
34:34
feel like $1,000,000. Yeah, and I'll go, but there was
34:38
a time, and this is just a really, really good example of
34:41
how this works in community. So if I'm in Vegas, Patty's in
34:43
Vegas. You know, on the podcast, I
34:45
bring my Vegas people together. She's a powerhouse in Vegas.
34:47
And we'll talk about here at the end of the show how you can get
34:50
a hold of Patti, how you can take part of her her classes and
34:53
get to learn more. Most importantly, what I hope
34:55
you're hearing is that you got to get into the game and the
34:57
conversation of this. This is actually very motivating
35:00
for me to say this is what I'm going to focus on this year.
35:02
I've got some money stuff, figure it out.
35:04
I got some business stuff figured out, so now it's time to
35:06
really lean into personal safety and bring other women along with
35:09
me. But the situation, one of the
35:11
situations, and I'm so grateful that you were there for me and
35:14
it was just a phone call. Like we don't talk all the time.
35:16
We don't talk every day, but you know who your safe people are in
35:19
the community, right? So my son Range, he was right.
35:23
His mom had just died. So right out of that, he was
35:25
almost 12 years old and he was suicidal.
35:28
And we were going through some things with the hospital and the
35:31
police and we did not know our rights as parents.
35:33
And it was very confusing. And same thing in these kinds of
35:36
situations with domestic violence and partnership
35:39
violence and those kinds of things.
35:40
You may not know all of the answers, but here's the thing,
35:43
There are people who do have the answer.
35:46
And I was just like, Patty, I don't know who to talk to about
35:48
this. I just need some support.
35:50
And in 30 minutes, you were able to break some things down for me
35:54
to put Jimmy and I back into a chooser situation and feeling
35:58
like we had power in this situation versus feeling like we
36:02
weren't in control of anything. And that's easy to do when
36:05
you're vulnerable. Yes, it's but it's building that
36:07
tribe the right people. Don't just call your abuser
36:11
because you need help. The people that you trust and
36:14
the people that you know are going to lead you in those right
36:17
directions. We're all connected to
36:19
something. We all know something.
36:20
And if you in this moment don't feel like you have those kinds
36:23
of people, they're out there, Find them in a self-defense
36:26
course, find them in a coaching container, find them at church.
36:29
But realize, going back to the very first thing that we said at
36:32
the beginning of this conversation is that a lot of
36:35
what we're dealing with as women have been conditioned
36:38
experiences, conditioned to behave a certain way in
36:41
relationship, conditioned to not talk about certain things,
36:44
conditioned to not deal with our rage or someone else's rage.
36:47
And we run patterns in our lives, I mean, back from
36:51
childhood. So this is a little bit of
36:52
Lisa's world and neurolinguistic programming is you have to
36:55
understand what the patterns are actually in relationship.
36:59
You can read my book. We we start to dial that back
37:02
and really look at it in Patty's world, start really advocating
37:06
for yourself and saying it's my job to keep myself safe across
37:09
the board in my life. Personal physical safety should
37:12
be a part of that equation and be around safe people.
37:16
And you may not know what that looks like or what that feels
37:18
like in this moment, but we're telling you, I promise you as
37:22
two strong independent women that it's out there.
37:25
It's out there. And I hope that this podcast in
37:27
this conversation opens up something new for you, a new
37:30
possibility. And Patty and I would love to be
37:33
able to get you into the right support system network if it's
37:37
in Vegas or wherever you are. And in Vegas, there's, there's
37:40
a, there's a hotline, it's called 211.
37:42
If you need help from the community, you can just call 211
37:45
and they will start to troubleshoot for you and figure
37:47
out where you need to go. Patty, for you, what are some
37:50
resources that you utilize? And then let's talk about
37:53
defense and heels. Oddly enough, I love business
37:55
networking net resources where I have made a lot of my
37:58
friendships and those are the lifelong friendships in business
38:02
networking. And you don't have to have a
38:03
business to go to a business networking event.
38:05
You can just walk in and be like, I'm interested in making
38:07
friends and they will all bring you in with love and support
38:10
just like they do business people.
38:12
Connected to. Everybody like going to know
38:15
somebody because of business networking.
38:17
That's true. And and if they don't, they know
38:19
who to call to find that person. So then do some business
38:22
networking. Also do things like mom groups
38:26
love the positive mom groups because of course you know
38:28
there's always negative melodies everywhere in a mom group,
38:31
especially if your kids are little.
38:33
You need that support system. You need those play dates that
38:35
are in a safe environment where you can relax and breathe for
38:38
the first time in three weeks. Do that, break it.
38:41
Reach out to victims resources in your area, Just like we have
38:45
211 politans have something equivalent.
38:49
We're in a small town. I've actually seen most small
38:51
towns have more resources than these big towns that we live in.
38:54
Google it Cult of office be like, hey Social Security, I
38:59
know this is not it, but I'm trying to find the person that
39:01
you would know for this. The person on the phone would
39:04
help you too. Don't take no for an answer.
39:07
A lot of people will be like, I don't know, click and I tried
39:10
once I give up this office, they have lots of resources because
39:14
they want to connect their clients business not working.
39:17
They know everybody moms groups, especially if you get in the
39:20
bigger ones for somebody start getting into your tribe and your
39:24
circle that you've built help connect you into everything to
39:28
build your your support system. If you don't already have a
39:31
thriving, that's right. Give it away, give it back, give
39:34
it back tenfold. That's how we thrive.
39:36
So here are my takeaways from today's conversation of any form
39:39
of violence is a red flag. Any form of aggression is a red
39:43
flag. You do not have to tolerate or
39:45
put up with someone who is being aggressive towards you.
39:48
And realize that as much as we were conditioned about the white
39:51
van picking us up and offering, offering us candy as children.
39:55
Yeah, as much as that was a threat, the bigger threat are
39:59
the people around you and the networks that you're in.
40:02
And if you are not in a safe environment, it is your
40:05
responsibility to figure out a way to get out.
40:09
But you do not have to do it alone.
40:10
Sometimes all it takes is you raising your hand and saying,
40:13
you know what? I don't got this and I need help
40:15
but I want out. And and making that
40:17
acknowledgement that I want out I'm.
40:19
Ready. I'm ready and no one's coming,
40:22
ladies. No one's coming to save you.
40:25
There's no White Horse. It is your responsibility.
40:28
We have more resources available, more education
40:30
available, more personal finance.
40:32
We have credit cards. Don't let the major financial
40:37
experts tell you anything other than you got to do whatever you
40:42
got to do to get out, even if it doesn't make financial sense,
40:46
what you got to do to get out. And we'll figure out, you can
40:48
figure out how to clean it up afterward.
40:50
But I know for me, credit cards were amazing to have at my
40:54
fingertips as I was going through my divorce.
40:56
And in a pinch, I had to move because I was in an unsafe
40:58
situation. So I'm very grateful for the
41:01
resources I had available to me. And you can have the same
41:04
resources available to you too. And use them afraid to get into
41:07
debt because you need to get away.
41:09
I also did the same thing and that was how I survived my
41:12
divorce and all of the craziness after.
41:14
So don't be afraid like yes you got to fix it afterwards, but.
41:18
It's fixable, yeah. Tell us about defense and Heels
41:22
and where can people find you? Tells us by women for women
41:25
training. So it is that hands on training.
41:28
We also have the awareness training and the confidence and
41:30
we do everything from rolling on the ground in the worst possible
41:34
scenario, the right position all the way up to hair grabs.
41:38
We also do the less than lethal stuff.
41:39
So like how to use your pepper spray, how to use your spun
41:42
device and also do things like how to use a gun because we do
41:45
have women out there who do want to carry a gun to know how to
41:48
use it properly. So one of my classes is called
41:51
my husband bought me a gun. Now what?
41:54
All many women have guns and don't know how to use them.
41:57
Get down. And it again, it's it's all
41:58
women. You're in a women's only studio
42:01
or a building with only women in it right then and there.
42:03
And it's women teaching you. It is a safe, comfortable,
42:07
vulnerable area. We're going to ask the hard
42:09
questions that we would never in a million years ask if a dude
42:12
was around. I'm so glad that you're back.
42:15
She took you took a hiatus. And you know, we don't need to
42:17
go into the story of that. But I'm really, I'm really,
42:19
really glad that you're back in this way, that you're serving
42:22
this mission. I'm so glad that my community
42:25
and my listeners can hear from you specifically today, Patti,
42:28
you are a light in our community.
42:30
And we just keep intersecting. Our lives keep intersecting and
42:34
I can tell, I can feel it in my body that this is my call
42:37
forward to step in and lean into this particular part of my life.
42:40
And if I can do it, anybody can do it.
42:41
I'm 5 foot one. I'm 125 lbs.
42:44
My husband is an advocate for me.
42:45
He wants me to be safe too. So I know he'll be thrilled that
42:47
I'm taking your classes. But anyway, come and join me at
42:49
one of Patty's classes. Anything one last any, any last
42:53
thoughts that you want to leave with the audience today?
42:54
Pay. Attention to your surroundings.
42:56
That is my favorite. And it sounds so miniscule
42:59
because you're like, yeah, I pay attention.
43:02
No truly pay attention. 90% of crimes against women can be
43:06
prevented by paying attention. So not being on your cell phone,
43:11
keeping your head on a bobble. So as your car and as you're
43:15
going to and from the store, you're paying attention.
43:18
A weapon that's in your hands that is just a pen.
43:20
Middle pens are great weapons. You have, you know what's going
43:25
on around you, you're not oblivious to the world, and most
43:28
importantly, you're starting to listen to that gut instinct.
43:31
So pay attention. Well, thanks for being on this
43:34
mission. If there's something about what
43:36
you heard on today's show, leave a comment in the notes.
43:38
Let us know what you learned. Share this episode out with
43:41
someone that you love. Jump in a self-defense class
43:43
with a friend or a sister. It can be fun work to do.
43:46
It's empowering work to do. Most importantly, take care of
43:49
your personal financial life. Be the owner and author of your
43:52
finances. Because when finances and
43:55
personal safety come together, you are unstoppable.
43:58
And that's what Patty and I want for you and everyone on this
44:00
climate. Thanks for joining us today,
44:02
Patty.