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Help, My Marriage Survived but Never Healed · Daily Devotions for Busy Lives

• 0:01
  Bart Leger: Picture a husband and a wife who'd been married a
• 0:03
  long time. A few years back, something happened between them,
• 0:07
  a and it nearly ended everything. they talked it through and they
• 0:11
  decided to stay together. And they did. The marriage seems to
• 0:15
  be working. They pay the bills together, they raise the kids,
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  and most nights they eat across a table from each other. But
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  there is a list of subjects neither of them brings up, and
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  they both know what those are. From the outside, the marriage
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  looks healed. Inside, it feels like a house divided. The truth
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  is, they saved the marriage and part of it is still waiting to
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  be healed. We'll come back to what healing looks like for a
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  couple like that, but first...
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  Welcome to Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. I'm Bart Léger.
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  I've counseled couples in this exact spot. The crisis is years
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  behind them. They stayed together, and they did the work
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  everybody told them to do, and now they're across from me
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  saying the marriage runs fine, but something still feels off. I
• 1:02
  have to admit, there have been couples I would have told you
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  were doing fine, and I was wrong about them. Some couples went
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  through a crisis or a string of them, and they decided to stay
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  married. That was the right call, I believe, and they lived with
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  it for years now. And the deeper wounds from what happened never
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  fully closed. You still avoid certain
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  but you know which ones they are, the marriage functions, and
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  something in it still feels haunted. Here's the I want to
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  get at. Most couples in this position have quit expecting
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  anything else. You're not in a crisis, and nobody's threatening
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  to leave. You made your peace with it up to a point, and you
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  assume what you have now is the finished product. As far as you
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  can tell, the healing stopped years ago, and you file the rest
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  of it under, this is just how we are. Paul wrote something to the
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  Ephesian believers also speaks to a situation like that. It's
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  in Ephesians 4, verse 32. Instead, be kind to each other,
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  tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through
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  Christ has forgiven you. Look at who Paul was writing to. The
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  verse right before this one lists off bitterness and rage,
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  which tells you plenty about what was going on in that church.
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  There were people with reasons to be less than kind to each
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  other, and he tells them to be kind anyway. And this is no
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  small platitude that he's handing them. Kindness is the
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  material you rebuild with after trust has been broken. It's what
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  stays available to you when the big conversations are closed off,
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  and neither of you is going to open them this month. Then look
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  at the standard Paul attaches to it. Just as God through Christ
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  has forgiven you, that's the measure. And it's also the
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  supply. You aren't being asked to produce this out of your own
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  tank. Here's what I want you to see. God has not signed off on
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  the status quo you've accepted. He is patient with the marriage
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  that stayed together. And patient means he's still working
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  on it. Two people under one roof for another 20 years is a lot of
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  ordinary days, and each one is a chance for a kind word nobody
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  had to ask for. When a single dramatic scene fixes a marriage
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  like this, what heals takes small acts over time. It's a
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  kind word on a rough morning and a cup of coffee brought without
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  being asked. It is choosing again and again to be gentle
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  where you could be sharp. Kindness is how you rebuild
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  trust after it cracks one ordinary day at a time. And the
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  couple who thinks the healing stopped years ago can bring that
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  unresolved hurt to God, because he's patient with a marriage
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  that lasts and he's not finished with it yet. Look at where the
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  healing comes from there. A cup of coffee nobody asked for. A
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  tone of voice you picked on purpose when you may have been
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  tempted to be snarky. Those look too small to matter. They are
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  also what trust is built on, along with giving the other no
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  reason to doubt your commitment to the relationship. Here's
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  today's challenge. Do one kind thing for your spouse today that
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  they don't ask for and won't be expecting. It doesn't have to be
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  a big thing. The coffee or the gas tank filled before they get
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  to it. Don't attach a conversation to it and don't
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  point it out later. Then pray a sentence you may not have prayed
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  in years. God, I thought we were finished healing. Or we pray
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  that you would do the rest with it. Father, thank you for
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  marriages that stay together. You know what that costs the two
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  people in them and you know which subjects still go
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  untouched at their supper tables. For every couple listening who
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  quit expecting anything more than what they already have,
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  give them one kindness to offer this week and let it be received
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  and do the work in them that neither one of them knows how to
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  start. In Jesus' name, amen. This podcast runs on the
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  generosity of listeners just like you. If Daily Devotions for
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  Busy Lives has encouraged you, would you consider supporting it
• 4:52
  with a one-time gift or by becoming a monthly supporter?
• 4:56
  Every contribution helps keeps these devotions coming every
• 4:59
  week. You can give at DailyDevotionsForBusyLives.com
• 5:03
  Thank you so much. Thanks for joining me on Daily Devotions
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  for Busy Lives. Remember, God is patient with a marriage that has
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  stayed together and He's not finished with yours. Do one kind
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  thing today. Come back next time for more encouragement to help
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  you live grounded in God's truth. Until then, God bless and have a
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  great day.