Latest / Overwhelmed Working Woman: Boost Productivity, Master Time Management, Overcome Overwhelm & Stop People Pleasing / #121| The One Productivity Hack You’re NOT Using (Stop People Pleasing!)
Transcript
- 0:00Michelle Gauthier: Every time you say yes to something that you don't want to do, you're saying no to something else.
- 0:10Michelle Gauthier: You're listening to Overwhelmed Working Woman, the podcast that helps you be more calm and more productive by doing less.
- 0:18Michelle Gauthier: I'm your host, Michelle Gauthier, a former Overwhelmed Working Woman and current life coach.
- 0:22Michelle Gauthier: On this show, we unpack the stress and pressure that today's working woman experiences and in each episode, you'll get a strategy to bring more calm, ease and relaxation to your life.
- 0:37Michelle Gauthier: Hello friend, if you had to guess at one thing that really keeps you from getting things done, what would that thing be?
- 0:46Michelle Gauthier: I will tell you what I think.
- 0:48Michelle Gauthier: It is based on my experience in coaching hundreds of women and that answer is people pleasing.
- 0:53Michelle Gauthier: We think a lot of times that in order to be productive, we have to have planners and apps and time blocking, and I agree that all those things are important.
- 1:02Michelle Gauthier: But if you were able to remove people pleasing, remove the habit, it's just a habit.
- 1:08Michelle Gauthier: Sometimes people say I am a people pleaser, but you just have the habit of people pleasing.
- 1:13Michelle Gauthier: If you could remove the habit of people pleasing from your life, you cannot imagine how much more time and space you will have in your brain and in your actual time to get things done.
- 1:24Michelle Gauthier: So today I'm going to talk to you about how people pleasing secretly kills your productivity, how to do the love and fit test, which is a super easy way to break the cycle of people pleasing, and then how to say no without guilt or even awkwardness.
- 1:40Michelle Gauthier: So by the end of this episode, you will have learned all the things that it takes to stop the habit of people pleasing, and I will give you a few very specific steps that you can start, starting today, as soon as you're finished listening to this podcast.
- 1:55Michelle Gauthier: I want to tell you right now if people pleasing is something that you really struggle with, and, although you'll listen to this episode and learn from it, if you end up thinking, okay, that's not enough for me.
- 2:06Michelle Gauthier: I'm going to need I've got a serious habit of people pleasing and I'm going to need a lot more than that I want to tell you that I do have a spot open for one-on-one coaching right now.
- 2:14Michelle Gauthier: If you have been thinking about potentially coaching to stop feeling overwhelmed, to stop people pleasing, to learn how to say no and just to make your whole life feel better, I've got a spot open.
- 2:25Michelle Gauthier: If your intuition is telling you that you should reach out to me and learn more about that, please do so.
- 2:31Michelle Gauthier: Click on the send me a message link in the show notes.
- 2:34Michelle Gauthier: Send me a message and we will figure out a good time for a free call.
- 2:39Michelle Gauthier: Let's get into it.
- 2:40Michelle Gauthier: Okay, let's first start out by talking about how people pleasing secretly kills your productivity, because a lot of times when I start working with a client and they realize that they're a people pleaser, they'll say things like well, I'm just trying to be nice, or I just I like to help others, or I was raised to help others, or whatever it is, and that's okay.
- 2:59Michelle Gauthier: You can do all those things without being a people pleaser.
- 3:01Michelle Gauthier: The problem is that every time you say yes to something you don't want to do.
- 3:06Michelle Gauthier: So let's say, at work they ask you to be in charge of the company picnic.
- 3:10Michelle Gauthier: It's got nothing to do with your job, but you're just kind of a social person and you're good at pulling things together.
- 3:16Michelle Gauthier: So they ask you to do it and you want to say no, but instead you say yes because you don't want anybody to be upset with you and you know that you could do a really good job at it and you know if someone else does it, it won't be as good as if you do it all those things.
- 3:30Michelle Gauthier: So let's say you commit to that.
- 3:33Michelle Gauthier: I want to emphasize that if you get asked to do the company picnic and it has nothing to do with your job, but it sounds super fun to you and that's something that you absolutely love to do and you say, yes, great.
- 3:45Michelle Gauthier: I'm not suggesting that you should never say yes to anything.
- 3:48Michelle Gauthier: I'm suggesting that you shouldn't say yes to things that you actually don't want to do.
- 3:52Michelle Gauthier: So let's think about how much time that this will take up.
- 3:55Michelle Gauthier: You say yes to the company picnic.
- 3:57Michelle Gauthier: That's hours and hours of meetings and planning and phone calls and coordinating probably some in the evening because you have to do your real job during the day.
- 4:06Michelle Gauthier: Then there's the day of where you have to get there early and recruit your whole family to help you set up and stay until it's over, and just the amount of hours.
- 4:14Michelle Gauthier: So let's just conservatively say that that's like 15 to 20 hours extra on top of your job, your family, your house, your kids' sports, everything else that you have going on.
- 4:26Michelle Gauthier: So how does that kill your productivity?
- 4:29Michelle Gauthier: It's a simple math problem in that case.
- 4:31Michelle Gauthier: So there's 15 to 20 hours that you have just dedicated to something that you don't want to do, and by doing that, you've lost 15 to 20 hours where you could be doing all those things I just listed your job, going to your kids' sports practices, I don't don't know.
- 4:46Michelle Gauthier: Making dinner for your family, laying on the couch and watching Netflix at night instead of like searching the best parks in the area as an example.
- 4:54Michelle Gauthier: So every time you do something like this, whether it be that example.
- 4:58Michelle Gauthier: Or you take on something extra if your kids on a team and they ask you to be like the team parent and you don't want to do it, or you're always the one who hosts the family holidays and birthdays and events and you don't want to be that person, or maybe you just find that you are constantly checking your phone because you feel the need to immediately respond to other people's texts so that they're not upset with you.
- 5:24Michelle Gauthier: That's people pleasing too.
- 5:25Michelle Gauthier: Every single time you do something like that, it is a time drain and it's taking time away from where you could, a be relaxing or, b getting something done that you actually want to do or need to do.
- 5:38Michelle Gauthier: So even though people pleasing can seem like a harmless habit, it's really taking up a lot of space in your brain and a lot of time.
- 5:46Michelle Gauthier: So what to do about this?
- 5:49Michelle Gauthier: I have a method called the love and fit test, and I've talked about this on other podcast episodes, but what it is is essentially a really simple way to make a decision decision.
- 5:59Michelle Gauthier: What I find a lot is that women who are people pleasers and don't know how to say no which are, you know, tied together very closely often say yes before they even stop and evaluate if they want to say yes or no.
- 6:15Michelle Gauthier: Just yes is their automatic answer, just like taking a breath.
- 6:17Michelle Gauthier: So this love and fit test is a way to train your brain to pause and stop and think about if you actually want to do the thing.
- 6:25Michelle Gauthier: So here's what you do.
- 6:26Michelle Gauthier: If somebody says to you hey, would you like to be in charge of the company picnic?
- 6:31Michelle Gauthier: I want you to ask yourself two things.
- 6:33Michelle Gauthier: This is the love and fit test.
- 6:34Michelle Gauthier: Number one do I absolutely love this idea?
- 6:37Michelle Gauthier: Is this something that is exciting to me, and would I do it even if nobody expected me to?
- 6:43Michelle Gauthier: So I gave that example at the beginning and said if you're the kind of person where running the company picnic sounds absolutely perfect to you, then great, you'd say yes to this.
- 6:52Michelle Gauthier: I would personally say no.
- 6:54Michelle Gauthier: And then the second question of the love and fit test is does this fit into the life I'm trying to create?
- 7:00Michelle Gauthier: So please note, this isn't just does this fit into my schedule, but does this fit into the overall life that I'm trying to create?
- 7:08Michelle Gauthier: I'm always trying to create a life that is free from overwhelm and is not stressful.
- 7:13Michelle Gauthier: So for me, for my example do.
- 7:16Michelle Gauthier: I absolutely love this idea.
- 7:17Michelle Gauthier: No.
- 7:18Michelle Gauthier: Does it fit into the type of life I'm trying to create?
- 7:20Michelle Gauthier: No, so that's easy.
- 7:22Michelle Gauthier: If it's no for both, then you just say no.
- 7:25Michelle Gauthier: And if you're right now thinking, but I don't know how to say no, I'm going to get to that in just a minute.
- 7:29Michelle Gauthier: So hold that question.
- 7:30Michelle Gauthier: If the answer is yes, for both, so, yes, I absolutely love this idea.
- 7:35Michelle Gauthier: And, yes, it fits into the kind of life that I'm trying to create for myself.
- 7:39Michelle Gauthier: So maybe you're trying to create a life that is more social, where you're doing more fun things, and this just sounds really fun to you.
- 7:46Michelle Gauthier: So if the answers are yes and yes, love it and it fits great, that's a yes, go for it.
- 7:51Michelle Gauthier: And then, if there's one yes and one no, that's where you have to pause and just be honest with yourself and decide.
- 7:58Michelle Gauthier: So we've got the absolute no and the absolute yes, and then we have kind of this maybe.
- 8:02Michelle Gauthier: So let's just talk through that.
- 8:04Michelle Gauthier: So let's just say do I absolutely love this idea is a yes, I love event planning.
- 8:11Michelle Gauthier: I'm really good at it.
- 8:13Michelle Gauthier: I know I'll be able to get it done.
- 8:14Michelle Gauthier: It sounds like fun to me to think about fun games that everyone can play at the picnic.
- 8:19Michelle Gauthier: And then the second question does it fit into the life that I'm trying to create?
- 8:24Michelle Gauthier: I'd have to say no, that isn't, because what I'm trying to do is work just from eight to five and not on weekends, and not do anything extra right now, based on where my family is and where I am.
- 8:37Michelle Gauthier: So you've got a yes it sounds like fun, you love the idea and a no to does it fit into the type of life that I'm trying to create?
- 8:45Michelle Gauthier: That's when you have to decide.
- 8:46Michelle Gauthier: So in that case I would say it's a no, because it depends how dedicated you are to the type of life that you're trying to create.
- 8:53Michelle Gauthier: But I would always say to choose that one for sure.
- 8:56Michelle Gauthier: Maybe the opposite is true, maybe it doesn't sound like any fun to you and you're a no on the.
- 9:03Michelle Gauthier: Do I love this idea?
- 9:04Michelle Gauthier: But you're a yes into is this in line with the type of life I'm trying to create?
- 9:08Michelle Gauthier: So maybe at work you're trying to get more visibility, or you're trying to spend more time with your co-workers or you're trying to do more fun things.
- 9:17Michelle Gauthier: So it's a no, I'm not that excited about it.
- 9:19Michelle Gauthier: Yes, it does fit into the type of life I'm trying to create, then you just have to decide.
- 9:24Michelle Gauthier: I personally would say that's also a no, but you decide for you.
- 9:27Michelle Gauthier: So, again, the main thing to do here is pause before you say anything and feel free to buy yourself some time with that too.
- 9:34Michelle Gauthier: If you need to do the love and fit test and you really need a second to think about it which I feel like you should, you would you can always say oh, thanks for thinking about me, I'll need to get back to you on that.
- 9:46Michelle Gauthier: It is not an emergency 99.9% of the time.
- 9:50Michelle Gauthier: It's not an emergency to get back to someone quickly, and you can always buy yourself some time to do the love and fit test.
- 9:57Michelle Gauthier: So let's say you go through it and the answer ends up being a no for you.
- 10:02Michelle Gauthier: The third thing is how do you say no without the guilt or the awkwardness?
- 10:07Michelle Gauthier: Just in general, saying no doesn't mean that you're mean or you're selfish or you're unhelpful.
- 10:13Michelle Gauthier: It just means you're clear and clarity is a gift.
- 10:17Michelle Gauthier: And thinking about if you know someone who says yes when they mean yes and no when they mean no, what do you think about them?
- 10:24Michelle Gauthier: Do you think that those people are mean and selfish and jerks?
- 10:29Michelle Gauthier: I don't.
- 10:30Michelle Gauthier: I'm thinking of the people in my life who are very straight up and direct and will tell me yes or no, and I am grateful for their clarity, because if they say yes to me about something, I know they really mean it.
- 10:40Michelle Gauthier: If they say no to me about something, I know they really mean it.
- 10:43Michelle Gauthier: I absolutely love it.
- 10:44Michelle Gauthier: I feel like it's very clear.
- 10:45Michelle Gauthier: So think about that.
- 10:46Michelle Gauthier: What you're doing is you're giving someone a clear answer.
- 10:49Michelle Gauthier: Don't judge that it's mean or rude or who else is going to do it, etc.
- 10:55Michelle Gauthier: Etc.
- 10:55Michelle Gauthier: So you kind of get it set in your mind and remind yourself I'm not mean or selfish or unhelpful, I'm clear.
- 11:04Michelle Gauthier: And then you have to just say the word no.
- 11:08Michelle Gauthier: A couple things about saying no.
- 11:09Michelle Gauthier: First of all, you can simply say no, thank you.
- 11:12Michelle Gauthier: I have a whole episode that is like 20 different ways to say no.
- 11:17Michelle Gauthier: So if you need more ideas, go back and listen to that episode.
- 11:20Michelle Gauthier: I'll link it in the show notes.
- 11:21Michelle Gauthier: But you can simply say no, thank you.
- 11:24Michelle Gauthier: No itself is a complete sentence.
- 11:26Michelle Gauthier: You do not have to give explanation.
- 11:28Michelle Gauthier: In fact, I think not giving explanation is much better than giving a whole bunch of explanation.
- 11:34Michelle Gauthier: So if I were to say no, I don't have the capacity to do that at the moment, but I hope you find somebody great for it.
- 11:41Michelle Gauthier: Done Instead of no.
- 11:43Michelle Gauthier: I'm really trying to spend more time at home with my family and I'm really sorry.
- 11:46Michelle Gauthier: My work is really busy right now and I really need to keep my weekends freed up.
- 11:49Michelle Gauthier: My kids are doing a bunch of sports and blah, blah, blah.
- 11:51Michelle Gauthier: You don't have to justify it.
- 11:53Michelle Gauthier: You can say no anytime you want to say no.
- 11:56Michelle Gauthier: So, even though it's painful, try to say no politely.
- 12:00Michelle Gauthier: No, thank you.
- 12:01Michelle Gauthier: However, you want to say it and then just leave it at that.
- 12:04Michelle Gauthier: You do not need to give a big, long explanation and just another reminder.
- 12:09Michelle Gauthier: A lot of times when we say no, we and we're people pleasers we're thinking a lot about what other people are thinking about our response.
- 12:16Michelle Gauthier: So if I say no, they're going to think I'm X.
- 12:18Michelle Gauthier: I just want to remind you that you can never know what someone else is thinking about you.
- 12:24Michelle Gauthier: You can guess, but you can never really know what they're thinking about you.
- 12:27Michelle Gauthier: So they might be thinking wow, good for her, she really told me the truth and stood up for herself.
- 12:32Michelle Gauthier: Or they might be thinking oh, she's not a team player, why wouldn't she do that?
- 12:36Michelle Gauthier: It doesn't really matter what they're thinking, it really doesn't.
- 12:40Michelle Gauthier: Just let them think whatever they want to think, not your problem, okay.
- 12:45Michelle Gauthier: So, to summarize, if you want to get more time back in your life, a quick way to do that is to stop people pleasing.
- 12:52Michelle Gauthier: And to stop people pleasing when someone asks you to do something, use the love and fit test and then communicate no as concisely and clearly as you can, without too much explanation.
- 13:03Michelle Gauthier: Give that a try.
- 13:05Michelle Gauthier: I would love to hear how it goes.
- 13:07Michelle Gauthier: Send me a message and tell me about your successes or troubles in saying no.
- 13:14Michelle Gauthier: Okay, let's talk about Michelle's do less for more success tip this week.
- 13:17Michelle Gauthier: My do less for more success tip comes from my niece Skylar.
- 13:23Michelle Gauthier: I learned this from her and what she does on Sundays is she's got like a rolling rack closet thing like you might see in a store.
- 13:31Michelle Gauthier: She has that in her room and on Sundays she hangs up what outfit she's gonna wear every day during the week.
- 13:38Michelle Gauthier: This was like a good tip when kids were little and I was trying to think about that stuff, but I wouldn't think about that for myself or for she's 18 years old or for you know, an older teen, but I absolutely love that she was doing that.
- 13:52Michelle Gauthier: Think about that for you and how easy it could be if, while you're putting away your clean laundry, if you just laid out the outfits that you're going to wear for the week.
- 14:00Michelle Gauthier: Give it a try and let me know how that works for you.
- 14:03Michelle Gauthier: Okay, if this episode resonated with you, I would love for you to pass it on to a friend.
- 14:09Michelle Gauthier: And if you want to dive deeper into boundary setting and taking back your time, make sure you're on my email list.
- 14:15Michelle Gauthier: This is something that I talk about and will often send out freebies and other tools that you can use to make the most of your time.
- 14:23Michelle Gauthier: The link is in the show notes.
- 14:25Michelle Gauthier: Have a great week.
- 14:32Michelle Gauthier: Thank you for listening to the Overwhelmed Working Woman podcast.
- 14:35Michelle Gauthier: If you want to learn more about my work, head over to my website at michellegauthier.
- 14:39Michelle Gauthier: com.
- 14:41Michelle Gauthier: See you next week.